BERNARD CRAIG CRAIG_DITTY DUANE JASON JESSICA NICOLE CRAIG phone, purse, staff… ready to head home! CRAIG DITTY tonight’s the night sloppy joe night gonna sip the slop on the drippity drop— CRAIG CRAIG jason! ah! what are you doing here?! trying to get your jump scare badge?! JASON uh… no. CRAIG well then… are you gonna write me up for something…? JASON no! though i should point out you are storing water balloons too close to a domicile… but i’ll let it slide this time. CRAIG thanks. well have a good night. JASON craig! i know you and i have had our differences, but i need to ask you a favor. would it be possible for me to spend the night at… your house? CRAIG my house? uh… isn’t it a school night? JASON it’s just that – i forgot to grab my keys this morning and now i’m locked out of my house. and when stuff like this happens i usually ask tony or boris if i could stay at their houses, but… tony went home sick after getting that sewing badge removed from his chest, and boris is on vacation at his family’s ox farm. and i don’t really, uh… have anyone else i can ask. CRAIG m… uh, well… JASON forget about it. i’ll be fine. i’ll just spend the night in the creek. this is the perfect chance to earn my survival shelter badge! JASON hm, let’s see… i just need a few saplings, and some leaves for insulation. ooh! and maybe a little walk-in closet… JASON ahh… perfect! CRAIG uh… i guess i could ask my parents when they get home. JASON i’m fine! really! CRAIG yeah, let’s just go to my house. CRAIG uh… you want some? JASON i don’t know, i wouldn’t want to spoil my appetite… CRAIG suit yourself. BERNARD hey craig, who’s your friend? CRAIG oh, we’re… we’re not really friends. we’re more like, um… co-workers. BERNARD i don’t care. i have to go help gibson with the homecoming float. he lost it… in a race… with a motorcycle gang. CRAIG again?! BERNARD yeah. so, i need you to do the dishes for me before mom gets home. CRAIG what?! that’s your chore! just ask jessica to do it! JESSICA i am very busy. BERNARD jessica doesn’t wash dishes! she just runs water over the food! JESSICA that’s how you do it. CRAIG all right, fine. i do the dishes for you, you have to take the trash out for me! tonight! cuz it’s sloppy joe night, and the only mess i’m tryin’ to deal with is the mess on my plate! BERNARD you can’t just do me a favor one time?! CRAIG trash! tonight! take it or leave it! BERNARD this is an emergency! CRAIG do you know what it’s like get garbage juice on your legs! BERNARD gibson’s life is at stake, craig! JASON and… done. CRAIG huh? BERNARD huh? BERNARD well, works for me. CRAIG jason, why did you do the dishes? JASON i just wanted to save you guys the arguing. besides, it’s what a good house guest does. CRAIG ahhh, is it now… NICOLE ahh, the sound of my kids doing their chores. now that’s what i like to hear. CRAIG hey mom! JESSICA welcome home, mother! NICOLE well i-i-i-if y’all are watching tv, then who’s vacuuming?? CRAIG jason! don’t forget to get under the coffee table. NICOLE craig! what is going on here?! it looks like this boy is doing your chores! CRAIG nononononono… jason here is teaching us about vacuum cord safety. right, jason?! JASON huh?! NICOLE now you explain to me what’s going on with your little friend here? CRAIG well, y’see, he’s not really my… my “friend.” um, jason’s more of an associate who got locked out of the house and wants to stay the night. JASON i’m sorry, ma’am. a scout never means to put anyone out. if my presence is a burden, i can be on my way… you wouldn’t mind if i set up camp in the backyard, would you? NICOLE hold on. jason was it? do you have a number of someone i could call? JASON oh! uhh… sure… NICOLE i’ll see what’s goin’ on. JASON s-sh-should i put the vacuum back? CRAIG did you do the hallway already, or no? DUANE faaaamily! oh… DUANE faaaamily! JESSICA daddyyyy! JASON hello, sir! DUANE hey baby! did we get a housecleaner? who is a child? i thought the scouts just sold cookies… JESSICA you have cookies?! CRAIG this is jason. he’s just a colleague. JESSICA he’s spending the night! DUANE spending the night, huh? that’s funny, cuz last time i checked it was a tuesday… baby, it’s still tuesday, isn’t it? NICOLE thank you, that’s fine. we can take him in tonight. goodnight. NICOLE it’s actually a special tuesday. CRAIG sloppy joes. NICOLE so… we’re having a special guest. CRAIG sloppy joes! NICOLE jason, how do you feel about… eggplant parmesan? CRAIG slop— wait, what?! but i thought we were having sloppy joes tonight?!? NICOLE since we’re having a guest, i was thinking we’ll have more of a home-cooked meal. JASON it sounds delicious, mrs. williams! CRAIG but i was gonna sip the slop on the drippity drop… this is gonna throw my whole night off! NICOLE alright y’all! let’s eat! CRAIG it’s sloppy, but it’s no joe. DUANE where you going, jason? sit down! stay a while! NICOLE don’t play with your food, craig. JASON do you always eat together at the table? CRAIG yeah? doesn’t everybody do that…? JASON well… boris and tony’s families both eat on the couch and watch tv. and i usually just eat in my room. CRAIG oh… can i go eat in my room? NICOLE no. JESSICA why’re they called eggplants?? BERNARD ’cause they look like chicken eggs. CRAIG pfft!! you don’t know what you’re talking about, bernard! you really think a chicken would lay a purple egg?! haha, thought you were taking a.p. courses! haha, where did that go?! JASON actually, bernard’s right. BERNARD hah! JESSICA does that mean there are purple chickens?!?! JASON well, no. there’s lots of different sizes and colors of eggplants. some are small and white, and they look just like chicken eggs. so, here in the north america, we call them eggplants. but in other places like europe, they call them aubergines. DUANE aubergines… he’s right! NICOLE wow! you sure know a lot about plants! JASON yeah. being a scout is great! they teach you all kinds of stuff, like kayakking, how to tie knots, even how to set up a tent and make a campfire! i like it ’cause you’re supposed to help people. but also… if you don’t have anyone helping you, they teach you how to help yourself. CRAIG heh, yeah, well… i could never be a scout. i’m too much of a rebel. i don’t need no group to tell me how to play outdoors. BERNARD pah! you ain’t no rebel! remember that time you got chased by a squirrel in the backyard? JESSICA oh yeah! you cried! CRAIG okay! that squirrel was as big as a dog!! even bigger, probably! DUANE well it was small enough to crawl up your pant leg! NICOLE and you remember – he took his pants off and was running around in circles in his underwear! NICOLE we never did find his pants!!! DUANE no he didn’t!!! CRAIG love to see people laughing at my trauma. NICOLE phew! BERNARD thanks for dinner, mom! NICOLE alright, y’all go clean up. JESSICA jason! have you met small uncle yet? JASON i’ve met a big uncle… NICOLE uh uh. not you, craig. why are you being so rude to your friend? CRAIG i told you! he’s not my friend! and it’s super weird that he’s here… we don’t even know each other like that. DUANE well maybe tonight’s your chance to change that. NICOLE and if you’re not gonna treat him like a friend, as least treat him like a guest. JASON thanks for dinner. and for letting me borrow your pajamas. CRAIG yeah, well, don’t get toothpaste on them or anything. CRAIG and here’s your blanket. you can lay it right here on the floor. JASON but, uh… you have a bunk bed. CRAIG oh… yeah, i need both of these. you see, it’s important to have choices. some nights i feel a bit full, so i wanna be closer to the ground. other nights i’m flying high after dessert so i wanna lay up top. CRAIG you can take the top bunk. JASON i’m sorry for all the trouble today. i know we’re not really friends, but i appreciate you all letting me stay over here. your family is so… nice. everyone gets along. CRAIG yeah, families… JASON i know you can’t choose who your family is… but if i could, i’d choose one like yours. CRAIG mmm… JASON i feel like my dad only pays attention to me when he wants to brag about me to his co- workers. and sometimes i feel like my stepmom wishes i was a chihuahua. CRAIG oh… uh… a chihuahua? JASON yeah. she has like four of them and trains them as a hobby, so maybe she’s more comfortable around them. CRAIG i… i never knew you guys had chihuahuas or any of that. but i guess i never really asked you either… CRAIG goodnight, jason. BERNARD gibson! how’d you get on an oil rig?! ugh, i’ll be right there! JESSICA mommy! have you seen my markers? NICOLE check under the couch, baby. JASON thanks for washing my uniform, mrs. williams. NICOLE oh, it was no trouble at all. JASON and… thanks again for letting me stay the night. NICOLE anytime! JASON and thanks for breakfast… NICOLE don’t worry about it. JESSICA found them! BERNARD thanks, mom! NICOLE one for you, miss jessica. and one for— oh isn’t that strange? i think i accidentally made an extra lunch. jason! you wouldn’t mind taking this one off my hands, would you? wouldn’t want it to go to waste. JASON thank you, mrs. williams. NICOLE y’all have a good day! JASON uh… my bus stop is back this way… so… i guess i’ll see ya. CRAIG hey jason! why don’t you wait with us? JASON are you sure?? CRAIG yeah! what else are friends for? JASON thanks, craig. JESSICA jason! last night i had a crazy dream! JESSICA there was this big purple chicken! and it was laying purple eggs! and inside the purple eggs were little bernards! and they kept saying “ber-nard! ber-nard! ber-nard!” [Type text]0[Type text]0[Type text]