ALEXIS BERNARD CRAIG JP KELSEY

CRAIG
why’d we have to get these boring suits? why not scuba suits? or leftover halloween costumes? both were on sale! i mean you can’t pass on that kind of bargain! 
BERNARD
mom and dad don’t want you wearing a scuba suit or your dirty creek clothes to aunt tina’s this year. you need to dress up for the holidays. if you’re gonna represent our family, it takes a certain amount of finesse and attention to detail
CRAIG
BERNARD
ALEXIS
BERNARD

BERNARD
i’m freaking out! i’m freaking out! oh my gosh i’m freaking out! mom and dad will never let me drive alone again!


ALEXIS
oh sweetie, it’s such a small scratch. they probably won’t even notice. 
CRAIG
not unless someone brings it to their attention.
BERNARD
i’ll do whatever you want! just don’t tell mom and dad! 
KELSEY
you’re slain! you’re vanquished! you’re banished! you’re double banished!

JP
jp’s phone, jp here! oh, hey craig! 
oh, nothin’. kelsey’s fighting the air…
and i’ve been staring at the sun for a 
real long time. what’s that? i’ll ask her!
hey kelsey, wanna help craig extort his brother?

ALEXIS
hey guys!
JP
hey alexis!
KELSEY
hey alexis! 
ALEXIS
aww, this is so fun. it’s like we’re going on a roadtrip.
BERNARD
where you little monsters wanna go?
CRAIG
well, my tummy’s feeling a little rumbly.you guys thinking what i’m thinking?
JP
bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen!
KELSEY
bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen!
CRAIG
bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen! bur-ger queen!

CRAIG
mm, you know what’s weird? there’s so many 
sesame seeds on this burger bun, but all i taste is bread.
JP
i think it’s just an aesthetic choice.
BERNARD
okay, you got your dumb burgers. you ready to go home?
JP
piz-za pan! piz-za pan!
KELSEY
piz-za pan! piz-za pan!
CRAIG
piz-za pan! piz-za pan! 
JP
piz-za pan!
KELSEY 
piz-za pan!
CRAIG
piz-za pan!
ALEXIS
piz-za pan!

CRAIG
this pizza’s so cheesy! 
KELSEY
i fear that i am becoming more cheese than warrior… but i’m also fine with it.
ALEXIS
so, where are we heading next, captain craig?
BERNARD
how about home? there’s nothing else in this stupid strip mall except a dusty ol’pharmacy!
JP 
phar-ma-cy! phar-ma-cy! 
KELSEY
phar-ma-cy! phar-ma-cy! 
CRAIG
phar-ma-cy! phar-ma-cy! 
BERNARD
ugh!
JP
hey look, it’s a duck mart!
JP
duck mart! duck mart! 
KELSEY
duck mart! duck mart! 
CRAIG
duck mart! duck mart! 
KELSEY
look! it’s big boy roy’s lumber shack!
JP
lum-ber shack! lum-ber shack!
KELSEY
lum-ber shack! lum-ber shack!
CRAIG
lum-ber shack! lum-ber shack! 
BERNARD
that’s it! i’m done! 
BERNARD
i’m done driving you guys to any and every place you can think of! you can tell mom and dad about the scratch! i don’t care! <gasp>


CRAIG
uhhh… i think they’ll notice this.