BARTENDER BOUNCER CHARLIE CLUB_GIRL CLUB_GOERS GOTH_GIRL HANK HANK_CHARLIE JENNIFER LUCAS MARGARET SID HANK Morning. MARGARET CHARLIE Morning. MARGARET Good morning. It is a great morning, isn't it? HANK Any reason why you pouring rum on your pancakes? MARGARET Any reason why your breathe smells like a graveyard port-o-potty? HANK It's the morning Margaret. CHARLIE Yeah, he's a post breakfast brusher. MARGARET Oh, why does his smell like that at dinner too? HANK Whoa CHARLIE Whoa CHARLIE Maraget, you're pouring rum on your pancakes. You're lashing out at Hank, for what is admittedly a problem. What's going on with you? MARGARET Nothing. I'm great. HANK CHARLIE Oh... CHARLIE Oh... CHARLIE Well that's really a relief to hear. Good for you. HANK You weren't very good as a parent, were you Charlie? CHARLIE I think I was, I mean, they all sued me, but none of them won. HANK No, seriously Margaret, what is going on with you? JENNIFER There's the birthday girl. Happy 65th! HANK CHARLIE Oh... CHARLIE Oh... MARGARET Okay, let's just don't make a big deal of this. HANK Of course not. We got a dusty crusty right here. JENNIFER All right, gang. We're gonna sing my favorite song ever written. Happy Birthday. ? Happy b-- ? MARGARET You really need to go. Just nobdoy say another word about my birthday. SID ? 65! ? ? 65! ? ? Our favorite girl is still alive! ? Bad time? SID Ma'am, you are being unreasonable. No, you're being unreasonable, Ma'am. Ma'am? Get this, they won't take the cake back once you've been inside of it. Guess I'm out $400 because somebody doesn't like birthdays. MARGARET Well, I'm sorry I'm just not excited about being a senior. There's something about that word. For the first time in my life, I feel... old. SID Well, too bad there isn't something to make you feel childlike and young like, oh, I don't know, a cake! HANK Who said being a senior means you're old? We're seniors. And we're in the primes of our lives. And I tell you so-- CHARLIE I happen to like being a senior. Nobody liked this sweater when I was a teenager. SID I don't consider myself a senior at all. I count my age from when I came out to my wife and my new life began. New Year's Eve 1999. I was so scared about that Y2K I just... blurted it out. Far as I'm concerned I'm 18! Barely legal! MARGARET Is that why you started dressing like an ice cream cone with extra sprinkles? SID Oo-- I know what this is about. Hank, it's because she's a woman. MARGARET Excuse me? SID Shh. Margaret. I'm talking to Hank. You see, men age gracefully. As we get older we become either distinguished fancymen or grizzled cowboys. CHARLIE Or in my case, a grizzled fancyman. SID Whereas with women, it's either invisible or scary forest witch. MARGARET Oh, screw you. SID What? I didn't say it! I'm just repeating what society told me, Margaret. HANK My boy is right. You're not old. You're just upset because society has tricked you into thinking you are old. MARGARET Did you just mansplain gender politics to me? HANK Hey. Listen. I don't think you're using the term, mansplaining properly. MARGARET Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me? CHARLIE Don't answer. It's a trick. MARGARET Well, I am certainly excited to become a scary forest witch. I'm just sorry you guys won't be around to see it with your short little male lifespans. But, here's a preview for you-- "You're old Hank! You're all old!" And now, if you'll excuse me, I'mma go whip up some Long Island Iced Teas in my cauldron! HANK You know what we need to do? CHARLIE Yup, grab a couple flasks and go hit that cauldron. HANK We need to take her out for a night on the town and convince her that she is wrong. We are not old and that my breathe smells good. SID I'm in. I mean, you would think a $400 cake would have cheered her up, but... I'm over it. You know it's about respect! It's just-- HANK ? Her name is Margaret ? ? She's 65 ? ? She like to party ? ? She don't take no jive ? CHARLIE Yeah. HANK ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? ? Go Margaret ? MARGARET What the hell is this? HANK Margaret, put the liquor down, we taking you out to get drunk. MARGARET No, you guys, I am fine with my P-Booze-and-J and what the hell are you guys wearing? You look like extras in the Beat It video. HANK This is ver-sace. MARGARET You mean versace ? HANK No, I mean ver-sace, I couldnt afford the -ace. Are we taking you out for a good old fashioned young person's night? SID I don't think young people call it young person's night. MARGARET And I know they don't wear fannypacks. CHARLIE Well, they should. 'Cause there's everything in here a young person could want. There's reading glasses, comfort insoles, rolling papers, calcium toffee chews for growing bones. HANK You got my breathe mints right? CHARLIE Oo, I hope so. MARGARET Guys, let me hide from my birthday the way I want to. Okay? I'm gonna finish my little P-booze-and-J. I'm gonna make a little beer-rito for dinner. I'm gonna pound five or six cocktails for dessert. Make a little nightcap and I'm off to bed. HANK You can eat all that crap tomorrow. Hell, we'll even eat it with you. But tonight, you gonna have the best birthday of your life/ SID Put. This. On. HANK Welcome to the coolest jazz club in all of suburban Tuscon. Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe. I'm gonna make sure we all get taken care of 'cause you know, I know Ronnie. MARGARET Wow Hank, I had no idea you were such a big shot in the outer metropolitan night life world. HANK You know, uh, Prince came up in here one night. And I, myself, gave him directions to the club he was trying to get to. SID Can you hold this ChapStick? 'Cause it's standing room only in these pants. CHARLIE Well, let me see, no room in the front. Let me check around back. HANK You're wearing two fanny packs? CHARLIE No, I'm wearing one because I only want half my stuff. HANK Listen, we're almost to the bouncer. Can you guys be cool for 10 seconds? Let me handle this. What's up my man! My man, my man, my man, my man, my man, my man, my man. How you living, large? Listen, uh, I'm a friend of Ronnie's. BOUNCER I don't know any Ronnie. HANK Well, sure you do, isn't this Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe? BOUNCER No, this is Twerk Lab. MARGARET If only there was a way we could've known? HANK Well, what happened to Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe? BOUNCER It became Twerk Lab. MARGARET Well, that was fun. Time to go? I wanna get home and journal about this while it's still fresh in my mind. HANK Going home is what four old people would do and we are not old. Uh, my good man . I got four dance scientists who are prepared to enter the Twerk Lab. BOUNCER None of you are coming inside, I would immediately be fired. CHARLIE How about for three calcium chews? BOUNCER Guys, that's enough. CHARLIE Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Four calcium chews. BOUNCER Did you say four calcium chews? CHARLIE Uh-huh. BOUNCER Okay, all right, you got it, come on in. HANK You serious? BOUNCER No, I'm not. Back up please. HANK Joke's on that hater 'cause I know another way in. So, y'all can just thank me now after I open this-- Damn. Ronnie never locked that door back when I used to come here. MARGARET Maybe that's why Ronnie went out of business. CHARLIE You know, I bet someone can crawl through there and open the door for us. If only one of us was little enough... SID What? No, no, no, no, no. I know what y'all are thinking. Everybody loves to hoist the little guy. HANK We're a team, Sid. We all have a special skill. Mine is my big ass brain that works good. And yours is... well I lost my train of thought. SID Here we go again, I have heard it all before. Sid, climb under that fence. Sid, squeeze through that doggy door and grab my keys. Sid, hop on the conveyor belt and go around baggage claim and see what the hold up is. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. MARGARET Fine. Doesn't matter anyway. Hell, I don't think you would fit with those extra pounds. SID Oh yeah? Watch me. Here it comes. SID Unisex bathroom. Oo... tres chic My pashmina's in the pee pee. No! Oh, oh I flushed it. I flushed it. Help! Can I get some help? Help! Help me! Going down! CLUB GOERS MARGARET God, I hope those gun shots are part of the song. HANK What are you talking about, Margaret? This is place is over the chain. MARGARET Really? You into this sick beat? HANK Why yes I am. This is probably one of my favorite current tracks. MARGARET Who is this artist? HANK This artist performing right here? MARGARET Yeah. HANK This probably uh, Lil-- DJ... You Betcha. MARGARET Lil DJ You Betcha? HANK You betcha! Uh-huh. And singing this hook right here? That's um-- I believe that's my girl Shadoinka. MARGARET Shadoinka? You know, I don't think I've heard of either one of those artists. HANK Well, that's because you don't follow the charts like I do. SID Let's hit that dance floor birthday girl. MARGARET SID I'm feeling the beat in my seat. Just follow me, I'm your wingman, we're in this together. MARGARET Uh. Sid! SID Dammit, Margaret, I'm busy! Read the room LUCAS Hi sweetie. Are you lost? MARGARET Uh... Is it that obvious? I have no idea what I'm doing here. LUCAS Well, maybe we can figure it out together. MARGARET Uh. This isn't real. This can't be real. LUCAS Oh, it's real. I promise it's real. MARGARET Oh my damn. HANK Man, it's loud in here. You ever gonna answer your phone? CHARLIE My phone's not ringing. HANK That's not good. CHARLIE Can I have a Harvey Wallbanger, please. HANK He doesn't know what that is. CHARLIE That's why I brought along a recipe. See? If you accept that you're old, you can be prepared. HANK I'm not old. And I'll prove it to you. I hope you got binoculars in your little, uh, belt purse, because you're gonna wanna see these moves. CHARLIE Do I have binoculars? I do. LUCAS Where do you live? I'll take you home. MARGARET Oh, you move fast Lucas. And I like it. LUCAS I just don't want the people who take care of you to worry. I know what it's like. My Nana was always wandering off, too. MARGARET Wait a minute, so you mean you're not trying to sleep me? You creep! You should be ashamed of yourself. Your loss, buddy, because this body knows things. HANK Evening, ladies. You gals like fresh trout 'cause the moves I'm about to show you are off the hook. I tried to bust a move, but the move busted me. CHARLIE Yeah, you ripped your pants and your underpants, you got a lot going on back there, pal. HANK Listen, cover for me, Charlie. Let's make it to the bathroom. SID I truly am having the time of my life. HANK You know earlier a young man called me Mr. T. Now, the fool I'm pitying most is myself. How's it coming with my pants, Charlie? CHARLIE Uh, good, almost done sewing up your butthole here. HANK Well, we're old. Happy birthday Margaret. MARGARET Would've been much happier if I was in bed eating a booze-nana split right now. But, you two dragged me down here and I got blue-balled by some jailbait hottie who mistook me for his lost granny. CHARLIE Well, I got nothing in my pack for that. But, if it would help, I'd be happy to hit on you. MARGARET Aw, thanks Charlie. CHARLIE Hello, gorgeous. What do you say you and I find a... mossy clearing in the woods and do what nature-- MARGARET Charlie, I meant, thanks, like I'm good. SID I need a break. I keep telling these boys not to fall in love, but they will not listen. MARGARET You know what the worst part about getting old is? SID Oh, this sounds like fun. MARGARET Used to be excited to so many big things. Live in Paris. Be a famous folk singer. Learn how to make a fritatta. And now. Not gonna happen. SID Honey, you can still make that fritatta. It's just eggs. HANK You wanted to be a folk singer? MARGARET I almost was. I recorded a folk album back in 1971. CHARLIE Yeah, she played me a couple cuts, it's pretty good. MARGARET A minor record label picked me up. I wrote it about this relationship that I was in where I was stepped on and ignored and taken for granted. It was called Carpet. HANK Well, that's awful. MARGARET Hm. It was a tough time for me. HANK No, I meant the album title. MARGARET The worst part is the day before Carpet came out, Carol King released Tapestry. HANK Now that's a professional title. MARGARET Anyway, Tapestry blew Carpet right out of the water. CHARLIE I thought you were gonna say that Tapestry swept Carpet under the rug. You missed an opportunity. SID Okay! Maybe that joke will up the mood in here. MARGARET I used to care about so many things. SID Well, crud. MARGARET Now I don't give a crap about anything. CHARLIE But, Margaret, you're missing the point. Not giving a crap is the greatest thing about growing old. I mean look at these two, okay. CLUB GIRL She's wearing the same dress as me! I am an idiot! CHARLIE Ah... remember how it felt to care about everything all the time? It was terrible. And getting old, you can just be yourself. SID Oh, I wish I could have been myself earlier. I should have come out of the closet the minute I knew I was gay at age-- uh, well five. Well, no four or five, whenever I saw Ben-Hur. MARGARET You guys are right. You know what? Being young sucks ass. And not giving a crap, that's kind of my thing. I just-- I let a number on the calendar make me forget that. HANK Yeah, I mean, so what? I took a chance, I danced, I ripped my pants. SID Now I know you were trying to be serious, but that rhyming made me giggle. MARGARET Hey! I have got 10 minutes left in my birthday and I am not drunk enough. HANK Oh, I can remedy that, it's your 65th, so we gonna do 65 shots each. CHARLIE Hank. I'll die. CHARLIE Okay then... uh, combined. SID Party time! MARGARET/HANK HANK Ain't nothing going to slow us down now. MARGARET Yes, let's go! HANK BARTENDER Okay, 65 shots of premium tequila. That'll be... $900. HANK Here's $50 keep the change brother. BARTENDER Um, I said $900. HANK I can't hear you. We very old. Start drinking, Margaret. CHARLIE It's my friend Margaret's birthday, and she would like to sing a song from her 1971 poorly title album, Carpet. MARGARET What is that banana head doing? CHARLIE Come on Margaret. You don't give a crap what think. Remember? In the bathroom? After I said we should have sex in the forest. MARGARET Stop talking! I'm coming. BARTENDER Hey, uh, sir, this-- this isn't a credit card, man, this is a room key. HANK So, what's the hold up? Charge it to my room. SID Put a couple burgers on there too. MARGARET Hi, uh, I'm Margaret. This one is called "A Fresh Shag, Parenthesis Can't Cover An Untreatable Stain, Close Parenthesis." SID My girl needs some mad title help. HANK I just drank 15 shots or does this sound kind of good? MARGARET HANK To Margaret! BOUNCER It's time for you guys to go. HANK All right, we going. Um, Sid, grab the bottle. Come on guys, we gotta go now. MARGARET Thank you Tuscon! Good night! GOTH GIRL Hey, your song was pretty cool. MARGARET Oh, thanks, I-- I didn't do it for you, loser, I did it for me. MARGARET Thanks you guys for last night. Screw you guys for this hangover. HANK I really should be dead. SID I'm not certain I'm not. CHARLIE Why are you all screaming? SID I can't reach my juice. JENNIFER Pancake party. Wow, you guys smell. HANK I'm a post breakfast brusher. JENNIFER No, I meant you smell like alcohol. I guess somebody had a good time last night. SID Miss Jennifer. When I get my strength back, I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you. What? No syrup? MARGARET Okay, I gotcha. Here are the dog boys. HANK Well, we did promise to give these a shot. Oh hell yeah! Why didn't we just stay home last night and eat these!