ALL ALLISON CHARLIE CHET DELIVERY_CLERK DUDLEY HANK MARGARET PARTY_PLANNER PHILLIPS SID HANK Okay boys, this one's for Jerry. May he rest in peace. One for me. One for you. And one for you. SID No. Do not peer pressure me, I haven't taken my pills yet. Do you know what happens when you mix prescription drugs and alcohol? HANK Yeah, a good time. CHARLIE Well, I wouldn't do it. I once mixed six tabs of acid with some New England hard cider. Long story short, I can't eat apples with my clothes on anymore. HANK Let's raise a glass. Jerry, what can I say? You were the most ornery, foul-mouthed, mentally deranged son of a bitch I ever met and thank God I did. CHARLIE Yeah. HANK We gonna miss you old pal. CHARLIE We are. HANK To Jerry! CHARLIE To Jerry. SID To Jerry! HANK CHARLIE SID So... should we talk replacements? HANK Have you lost your mind? SID Well, it is a prime seat, we got to move fast. HANK Now, look, guys. You know we can never replace Jerry. The man was a legend. So, I say we honor his legacy the way it should be honored with an empty seat. MARGARET Do you mind? It has been a bitch of a morning. HANK Uh... Hey baby, you must be lost. MARGARET Don't start, fly boy. I'm not in the mood-- and I am not interested. HANK Look lady, I don't know who you are, but you can't sit there. MARGARET Why not? Who are you guys? "The Cool Kids?" HANK Damn straight we are. MARGARET You? Really? Him? Wow. HANK I don't know where you came from, but you can't just sit wherever you want. You got to be invited. SID He's right. You have to earn that spot. MARGARET Fine. I'll arm wrestle you for it. SID Fine. HANK Wait. Sid-- SID CHARLIE Did better than I thought. HANK Look. You gots to go. That seat belongs to Jerry. MARGARET Is that right? Where is this Jerry? ALLISON Good morning Shady Meadows. I'm sorry to announce that Jerry... Walsh passed away yesterday. There'll be free balloons and a cheese plate available in his memory. Have a nice day. MARGARET Jerry? HANK What is your problem? Why do you wan to sit at our table so bad, anyway? MARGARET You know, honestly, I don't. But then you told me that I couldn't. So, now you are gonna need a hearse to drag me out of here because nobody tells me what to do. Nobody. SID You want me to arm wrestle her again? I think I'm getting a second wind. SID That woman is violent. I think she broke my elbow. HANK Times sure have changed. I mean, in the 50's, a woman wouldn't dare just come sit at our table like that. CHARLIE In the 50's, you wouldn't have been allowed in the restaurant. SID I would’ve been allowed in, but I'd have to talk like this. HANK Plus, she disrespected Jerry. And speaking of Jerry, we need to talk about his memorial service. SID Why do we have to talk about it? Aren't they gonna give him one? HANK A cheese plate and balloons is not a service. Jerry liked to party. CHARLIE Yeah. HANK He would want something epic. You know, like kegs and a DJ, fireworks. People getting butt naked up in here. We need to throw something like a Burning Man. SID You want to burn a man? CHARLIE No, it's a sex festival in the desert. I go every year. SID Well, Allison is not gonna let you throw a party. She runs this place like Alcatraz. HANK Don't worry about Allison. We’re gonna go around her. CHARLIE Yeah, but a party like that is gonna cost a lot of dough. SID Money? Oh, that's not gonna be a problem. HANK Well, why? You came into some scratch? SID Well... I got this. HANK Is that Jerry's credit card? How the hell did you get Jerry's credit card? SID Well, how does anything happen Hank?! You're not the only one with good ideas. CHET Why is this still loose? DELIVERY CLERK Hey, do you know where the supply closet is? CHET No, nuh-uh-- Do you know how to fix a table? HANK Psst! Come on, over here. Hurry up man, come on. Sorry to be so sneaky, but you probably do this all the time. DELIVERY CLERK Not really. Okay. Can I get your credit card? HANK Yes you may. And, uh, I am Mr. Jerry Walsh. DELIVERY CLERK Okay. And, uh, photo ID. HANK Say, what now? DELIVERY CLERK I mean, obviously you're old enough, it's just company policy. Is that gonna be a problem? HANK Nah, that's not gonna be a problem. I mean, why would it be a problem? You know? I'm sure I got it here somewhere... somewhere-- Run! SID Run? I haven't run in 30 years. HANK Come on, you can do it. CHARLIE No, actually, I can't. I've got three fake hips 'cause of a bet I lost to that Doctor in Costa Rica. HANK All right, look. On my cue, we're gonna snatch that credit card and make a break for it. I'm sorry, where were we now? DELIVERY CLERK Just to let you know, I can hear everything you guys were saying. HANK Run! DELIVERY CLERK You don't have to run. I'm not gonna chase you. ALLISON What are you guys trying to do to me? I mean, it feels like it's becoming personal. Is it personal? Did I do something to offend you? HANK Well, you took our credit card. ALLISON You know, some of us aren't retired, Hank. Some of us are trying to keep our jobs. HANK That sounds like a "you" problem. ALLISON No. Actually, it's a "you" problem. Actually, actually, it's a "you and you and you" problem. Because of you three, I've got higher blood pressure than half the people in here. HANK That sounds like another "you" problem. ALLISON I'm sorry about Jerry. But if we threw a rager every time a person died, this place would look like Bourbon Street. SID Bourbon street's okay. The best streets are... a few blocks over. ALLISON What I'm saying here, Sid, is that people want peace and quiet. HANK Peace and quiet? I'm gonna have plenty of peace and quiet when I'm dead. I wan to party. Jerry wanted to party. And nobody wants to party with balloons and a cheese plate. ALLISON What's so bad about that? HANK Jerry hated cheese. The man was lactose intolerant! ALLISON I don't know what to tell you, Hank. The rules are the rules. You don't like them, you can leave. You do realize you're all here voluntarily. CHARLIE What? We are? ALLISON Yes. It's a retirement community, not an insane asylum. CHARLIE My kids are liars. SID Well voluntary or not, the rules stink. And what qualifies you to come up with these rules anyway, Missy? ALLISON I went to Harvard Business School. SID I never heard of it. ALLISON You've never heard of Harvard? SID Oh. Harvard . I thought you said barn yard. I can't hear a thing today. That's a great school. ALLISON All right guys, time to get out of my office. HANK Well if you’re not gonna let us throw a part at least move "what's-her-face" from our table. ALLISON Who? Margaret? No, she can sit wherever she wants. There's nothing I can do about it. HANK Oh... I get it. So, you saying there's nothing you can do. ALLISON Right. HANK So, you want us to handle it. That's what you're saying. ALLISON That's not at all what I'm saying. HANK Ah... It's cool, I hear you baby. ALLISON I feel like you don't. HANK Nah... I got it, say no more. ALLISON I feel like I should. HANK Let's roll, boys. CHARLIE Walked right into that one, Harvard. SID You want me to flirt with her? I don't think I can do this. HANK You want this woman sitting at our table forever? Trust me, this will work. SID But, it should be you, or Charlie or at least somebody straight. HANK Sid, only a gay man can hit on a woman these days. If I so much as bump into the side of a ta-ta, I could wind up in jail for six years. CHARLIE I did six years in jail. Wasn't so bad. I was in the best shape of my— HANK Charlie. Now, Sid. Your mere presence makes most people uncomfortable. Now, all you got to do is-is take that dial it up to like an 11. She'll be running to another table in no time. SID Fine. Here goes nothing. I'll take off my glasses so I look more butch. Well hello, little lady. MARGARET Are you all right? SID You mind if I join you? MARGARET How can I resist? Where are your friends? SID Well, they're not hiding if that's what you're asking. MARGARET I wasn't. SID So, I know a man is not supposed to say these things when sitting with a woman these days, but if you really want Jerry's seat. I know a way you can earn it through me MARGARET Really? What would I have to do? SID Well, you know, uh… Man-woman stuff. MARGARET I don't know. Why don't you give me the details. SID Well, you know, when a... man takes a woman and... unhooks things and... takes liberties with her person. You know the rest. MARGARET No, still lost. SID He puts his lips on things. And-and his hands go everywhere. Cheese and crackers, don't make me keep saying it! MARGARET Well, all right. Why don't we go back to my room and you can show me instead? SID No, I think I've made myself perfectly clear. MARGARET No, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to show me. Come on, lover boy. Get up. HANK Well, maybe this will work out in our favor. I mean, if you slept with Sid, would you really want to sit next to him all day? CHARLIE It's Sid I'm worried about. If she goes anywhere near his penis, his heart could explode. I've seen a man's heart explode once. It's not pretty. HANK When did you see a man's heart explode? How you gonna see that? It's inside his body. CHARLIE Well it-it came out. Way out! HANK All right. All right, Charlie. I'm gonna stop asking you questions. MARGARET So three hours, I wake up on the floor, next to a longshoreman with a rubber tube in my hand and I'm thinking to myself, "did this guy get the enema or was it me?" SID My God! I've been there. MARGARET Ah... HANK What the hell is this? MARGARET Oh, speaking of enemas, look who just showed up. HANK You told her, didn't you? SID I'm sorry, Hank. She knew what I was doing and she flipped it on me. HANK You supposed to scare her away, not swap booty stories with her. SID She found my weakness. HANK Come on, Sid. Let's go. SID No! Actually, I want to stay. HANK You want to what? SID I want to hear the end of the story. CHARLIE Plus, I wouldn't mind hearing the first part of that story. HANK I can't believe you guys. You want to sit here eating chips with this seat stealer, then you go right ahead. I hope your guacamole taste like betrayal. HANK $75. Do I hear $75 for a chance to sit at the best table in all of Shady Meadows. DUDLEY $75! HANK Dudley?! No, man, you must be kidding me. SID Hank, what's all this about? HANK Well, since you all are disrespecting Jerry, I decided I'm gonna auction off your seats so I can raise money for his memorial service. CHARLIE What? You can't sell our seats. DUDLEY $90. CHARLIE $95. DUDLEY $100. CHARLIE $110. DUDLEY $115. CHARLIE $1,000,000. DUDLEY That's too steep for me. I'm out. HANK You know you don't have no $1,000,000. CHARLIE Well, not on me. But if you've got a shovel, we can go out to the desert. MARGARET Who is this fossil? HANK That's Phillips. That's his chair now. He paid $11 for that seat. PHILLIPS I don't need this! I'm out of here. HANK No refunds, Phillips! Woman, you are working my last nerve. SID Hank, maybe it's time to let it go. We're not gonna have a big party. We're just gonna sit here, eat cheese, break wind and stare at Jerry's ashes. HANK Wait, hold up now. Ashes? They can't cremate Jerry. CHARLIE Why not? HANK The man is Irish. And the Irish like their dead bodies in an open box in the middle of a bar. Then they drink whiskey. Then they sing songs and they fight each other. Sometimes they fight the dead body. SID What the hell are you saying? HANK I'm saying we've got to hop in a cab and go on down to that morgue and get Jerry the hell out of there. SID Have you lost your ever-loving mind? We can't do that! Plus, no cab driver will let you transport a dead body. CHARLIE I did it all the time when I was a rickshaw driver in Bangkok. HANK Charlie, I'm gonna take my thumb. I'm gonna push it on your eyeball until it pops out your ear. Now, does anybody here have a-- have a car? MARGARET I can drive you guys. HANK Aw, hell no. Anybody else? DUDLEY I can drive. If you guys tell me what I'm seeing out the windshield. MARGARET It's your life. HANK Okay, fine. But this doesn't make us friends. And I'm driving. SID Watch your blind spot. HANK All right. SID She's braking. HANK Mm-hmm. SID Pull over-- HANK Man! Sid, why do you got to sit like that? You blocking my view. SID Well, I can't see out the window if I sit in the seat, Margaret's blocking my view. MARGARET Do you have to see out the front window, it's a car. They have windows on the sides. SID I get motion sickness! I'm scared I'll spit up. HANK Don't you spit up on me. SID You really have to slow down, Hank. You're going too fast. HANK Well, it's too late for all that. They're probably popping Jerry in the oven as we speak. And that said, how fast am I going? Which one of these dials is your speedometer? MARGARET I don't know. HANK You don't know how to read your own speedometer? MARGARET It's not my car. HANK Well, whose car is it, then? MARGARET It's that Dudley guy's. I swiped his key. HANK I thought you said you had a car. MARGARET I said I could drive a car. I never said that I had one. HANK So I'm driving a stolen car? SID Oh, Lord! We're getting pulled over! I told you to slow down. HANK No! This is no good. A black man in a stolen car with a white woman! All right, everybody just relax, act like we have Alzheimer's. SID Well, the good news is they bought your dementia story. The bad news is Jerry has seen better days. MARGARET Oh, I don't know. I think he looks good in red. HANK Woman, don't you start with me. This is all your fault. From the moment you came up in here, ain't been nothing but trouble. 'Cause of you, Jerry will never get his open casket. MARGARET Why don't you just flip the lid? HANK Don't you touch him. Don't you touch him. Shoot. Knowing you, you're liable to drop him. SID Ah! HANK Oh! CHARLIE Boy, you don't see that every day. MARGARET Maybe I can find a broom. We could sweep him into a little zip-it bag. HANK A dag zipit? Then put the zipit a thunda snug?! SID He's talking gibberish. MARGARET Is he having a stroke? CHARLIE He might be. I say it's best we all just walk away. HANK We got to get the Jerry pieces back in the bottle. Yeah, bring-bring, get the glue with-with the thang on it, man. Oh, Lord! HANK Okay, Jerry. I'm gonna rent a cannon, then I'm gonna tuck you inside, and I'm gonna blast you right upside that woman's head. CHARLIE You know, Hank. I think it's time to let it go. You know, when I was in the Navy, I had a little saying "When the sea gets choppy, don't go on the boat." Of course, the sea is always choppy, so I got a dishonorable discharge for dereliction of duties. SID I had a whole different saying about the Navy. But now is not the time or the place. CHARLIE Now, Hank, my point is that I don't think you're mad at that woman. And I don't think you're mad about Jerry's party. I think you're scared. We all are. 'Cause one day, it's gonna be about our crappy party and who gets to sit in our seat. And just like that, we're forgotten. HANK You know, Charlie. That's the most lucid thing I've ever heard you say. And you are 100% incorrect. You guys remember when I lost my wife to the big man upstairs? SID I thought your wife left you. HANK She did. For the retired football player who lived in the penthouse. See that's when I moved in here and I met you guys. I tell you what, Jerry, even at my lowest, he showed me that life could still be fun. CHARLIE Hmm. HANK And if I'm scared, maybe I'm just scared that it's not gonna be any fun around here anymore, now that Jerry's gone. SID Well... maybe we don't need Jerry to have fun. Hell, we had one heck of a day with that woman. CHARLIE SID Jerry never got us arrested. CHARLIE Yeah, he never stole a car, and that was fun. HANK Yeah... But that woman, she just gets under my skin. SID Well, Jerry got under everybody's skin. He used to replace my beta blockers with boner pills. HANK It was a joke. SID Not to my poor, little pecker. CHARLIE Okay, okay, Sid. HANK What the hell is that? MARGARET Oh, I'm sorry. You guys can't come in here. You have to be invited. I'm just kidding. Surprise! Here's your party. HANK This was you? You did this? MARGARET You're welcome. SID How? What did you tell Allison? MARGARET Well, I said, "Please let me throw this party for the boys. I mean, I'm all alone and nobody likes me very much. Please!" CHARLIE And that worked? MARGARET No. So I slipped her a sleeping pill and knocked the bitch out. SID See? She's way more fun than Jerry. HANK You know, I've talked everything over with the guys, and despite their objections, I think you should take Jerry's sit. MARGARET Well, I accept. HANK On a probationary basis. Just as long as you know I'm still gonna be calling the shots around here. MARGARET Well, we'll see about that. HANK What-what do you mean by "we'll see about that?" MARGARET Never mind. HANK What? No. I changed my mind We shouldn't be doing this. MARGARET Ah... You know, I think I might take your chair. I believe it has a better view. HANK No, no, no, no, no, no. No! Uh-huh! She can't put the-put the-put the thing on the-on the moova. MARGARET CHARLIE So, there I am, half time at the Super Bowl, operating camera five, and I... and over my headset I hear, "Cut to Janet Jackson." ALL PARTY PLANNER Excuse me, Ms. Walsh? MARGARET Oh, you can call me Jerry. PARTY PLANNER I hate to bother you, but your credit card has been declined. MARGARET Oh, no. There must be some mistake. PARTY PLANNER I tried it several times. MARGARET All right, well, hold your horses. I'll get you a different card. I'm gonna go, uh, get my... I'm gonna... Run! PARTY PLANNER Sir? Oh!