BAART BIFF BOY CHICKOLINA CLARA ENSEMBLE ERNIE GAVIN GNOME KAREN MAN_IN_STREET NISSE PAULINE VOICE_ON_PHONE ERNIE What I am now about to recount is a true Christmas story. ERNIE And like so many stories, this one begins far far away. ERNIE So far, in fact, that you should allow for a pee break or two. ERNIE Here among snow covered fields and row upon row of apple trees ERNIE Lies a small farm. Cattle Hill. ERNIE I was here that I learned the meaning of Christmas. GAVIN Shouldn't we… hey, hey, hey… Uncle Baart! Uncle Baart! BAART Right, let's give it a shake, get the snow off, It's coming… Move, Gavin, move! GAVIN Shouldn't we… hey, hey, hey… Uncle Baart! Uncle Baart! BAART Oh, great. ERNIE We all have our expectations of how Christmas should be. ERNIE Maybe you think it's the high point of the year, with cakes, decorations and presents. ERNIE But for me, Christmas is about something else entirely. ERNIE And who would have thought that a determined little girl would be the one to show me. CLARA Oh. CLARA Let's see… There, there, and there you are! CLARA I think that was all of them. You're welcome. MAN IN STREET Thanks, and have a good Christmas. CLARA You too. CLARA I hope you have a really great Christmas. CLARA Bye now! VOICE ON PHONE I'd like two kilos of spare ribs. Two kilos. VOICE ON PHONE Excuse me? Two kilos. CLARA Christmas! CLARA Hi, Mum. KAREN Wait a moment Clara, I'll just find it. Hang on… CLARA Christmas has officially started. KAREN Ooh! Ah! Wow! KAREN Well, the power company is going to have a good Christmas, anyway. CLARA Well, it's only once a year, you know. KAREN Yes, I know. You and Christmas, Clara. KAREN Dad's going to have his hands full with you this year. CLARA We’re going to bake ginger snaps, go tobogganing, have snow ball fights, open presents, sing Christmas songs... KAREN Yes, sure, Clara. But even if it is your first Christmas at Cattle Hill, you don’t have to go over the top. CLARA When's Dad coming, do you think? KAREN Oh, I'll bet he'll be on his way soon. KAREN Come on, Clara, let's open up. BIFF No, no, I'll be…. Typical, BIFF No one wants broken ginger snaps. BAART No, Gavin, w...wait…. BAART You can't go running off now? BAART We've only reached item 38 on the list, and there are just two days left until Christmas. GAVIN But Uncle, we've been at it since this morning. BAART Yes, but now we have to fill the stockings, and all that… BIFF Hi there! BAART It's one of the most import….. BIFF Getting all worked up about Christmas again, Baart? BAART No, this is the year, Biff. BAART This year Sætra is going to win Christmas House of the Year. BAART And I am going to be on the cover of Sheds and Wildlife BAART ....you'll see. Guaranteed. BIFF Well, come on Gavin. Let's be off. GAVIN Bye. BAART Yeah, 'bye, and don't die on that thing Gavin. And Biff, remember the electric plugs! GAVIN Yeah, yeah, yeah! BOY Look, they've got those sugarfree cola pigs! BOY Oh, they've got so much here! GAVIN Gosh, they certainly like Christmas here. GAVIN Did you see that? GAVIN That was the Emigos. They're my favourite band. GAVIN They play the best EDM. BIFF EDM, is that one of those, uh, computer games? That what you mean? GAVIN No, no, EDM. Dance music. BIFF Ah, yeah, dance music. Yeah. BIFF I play that too, you know, so… BIFF So we could jam together, eh. Yeah… GAVIN Great. ERNIE Ooops…ooops… CLARA Morning, Ernie. ERNIE Hi. Look, sorry about this… CLARA No worries. What can I do for you? ERNIE Oh, I’m just out taking some photos for the Christmas issue of Sheds and Wildlife ERNIE And I thought I could take some here, in your place? CLARA Yes, of course you can. ERNIE Oh, great. CLARA So who is going to get Christmas House of the Year this time round? ERNIE That's a secret that is, Clara. ERNIE And smile… You'll just have to wait for the Christmas issue. BIFF Hi, Clara. CLARA Dad! BIFF Wow! BIFF It's so good to see you, honey. GAVIN Hi. CLARA Gavin! You got away! BIFF Gavin and I are going to be jamming together on Christmas Eve. CLARA I thought we were going to play something together. BIFF Would you two help me bring the goods in? GAVIN I've composed a banging Christmas song for us. CLARA Terrific! I'm looking forward to that. KAREN Thanks for having Clara this Christmas. BIFF Uh yeah, I… KAREN She's really looking forward to celebrating Christmas with you. BIFF Yeah, and I'm looking forward to spending Chrsitmas with her, too. BIFF I don't usually do a whole lot about this sort of thing, but… BIFF Well, right. And what about you? BIFF Maybe you ... CLARA Shall we go? BIFF Yeah, sure. I just have to bring in these last boxes, then… BIFF Yeah! CLARA Bye then, Mum. KAREN Goodbye, honey. CLARA I'm going to miss you, Mum. KAREN And I'm going to miss you, Clara. CLARA Bye, Mum! KAREN Bye, Drive carefully. BIFF Yeah, sure. CLARA Merry Christmas! GAVIN Merry Christmas! GAVIN Yeah! We've got load of Christmas decorations up at our place. GAVIN Uncle Baart's got this big Christmas book, with a schedule we have to follow. GAVIN Eighty-nine tasks that have to be done for Christmas to happen. GAVIN And we still have to hang up the dangly hook, make the almond cake, dance the Gnome Dance... CLARA Gnome Dance? GAVIN Yes. So the Gnome doesn't get sore. CLARA Do you really think there's a Gnome at Cattle Hill? GAVIN Think? There is a Gnome. CLARA Hardly. GAVIN It's true! CLARA have you actually seen a Gnome? GAVIN Not exactly ... GAVIN But my grandfather often used to tell me a story… GAVIN Once upon a time there was a Gnome who looked after a huge farm. GAVIN A farm with a beautiful orchard full of cherry trees and red currant bushes… GAVIN And the Gnome used to help everyone who lived there, often without them knowing it. GAVIN And he protected the farm from illness and vermin and fire. GAVIN The farm flourished. And the family grew in size,and they had many happy years together. GAVIN But then one Christmas, everything changed. Because the children had been teasing the Gnome. GAVIN And they hadn't given him the single bowl of porridge he was supposed to get every Christmas, either. GAVIN So the Gnome left the farm. And everything started to go wrong. GAVIN The fruit rotted on the trees, the raspberry bushes withered, and mice ate up everything in the food stores. GAVIN So the family was forced to leave. And no one has seen them since. GAVIN And no one has seen them since. CLARA Gosh, so the Gnome really does help out? And is he nice, as well? GAVIN Well, a farm without a Gnome won't be a farm any longer. BIFF Anyway, we're almost there GAVIN He's not always nice. Uncle Baart got called the black sheep of the family for years after the Gnome threw dung in his bed. GAVIN Chucked it right in there, so he lay down in all that poo. BAART Well, that's a pretty good hole, right there. BIFF Hi, Baart! BAART Well, that takes care of the Tatty Trousers curse. GAVIN It's when we bury all the trousers that have holes in them. CLARA Huh? BAART Nope, there won't be a Christmas if that's not done. BAART Coming to the Rekost Mart then? BAART Mighty fine prawns this year. BAART Biff, did you remember the extension cable? BIFF Sure. BIFF Careful, Baart! BAART Oh yes, yes, yes, yes! CLARA Oh, cool! Wow! BIFF Gosh! BAART Sheds and Wildlife are going to wet themselves with seasonal glee. BAART It's the front cover for us this year. Guaranteed. BAART And maybe a ewe will show up… and the ewe will... BAART Hey, where are you going?Get back here, on the roof! No, no… BIFF Yeah well, just let me know if you need any help, Baart. Come on, you two… CHICKOLINA (sings) Give me a great big rooster… CLARA Chickolina! CHICKOLINA Great to see you. I was in the middle of a trance dance here, praying to the Moon Man. CLARA Huh? CHICKOLINA Comb! BIFF You need to clear the snow off your roof there. CHICKOLINA That Baart is coming here to help me, so we'll see about that. BIFF Well, that's good. BIFF Bye. CLARA See you. CHICKOLINA See you at Moon Shift. GAVIN You lot in town have such a cool sense of humour, hee hee… GAVIN A tea bag? On the tree? CLARA What is this? BIFF Umm... You talking about the new curtains? BIFF Yeah, right Chickolina made them. Nice, aren't they? CLARA Haven't you put up any decorations? BIFF Uh, not that many. CLARA I'd been really looking forward to coming here, spending my first Christmas with you, and you haven't done a thing. BIFF But I've - uh - got some old things in the barn. BIFF We can go and take a look, and fix things up in here tomorrow. CLARA Tomorrow? If I'd known it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have come up here. BIFF What? CLARA I'd have stayed in town with Mum. BIFF What, stayed in town? CLARA Yes. BIFF I have to take this. BIFF This is Biff. PAULINE Oh Biff, this is terrible. I'm snowed in. BIFF Snowed in? PAULINE At Hog Haven. CLARA Why hasn't he done anything about Christmas? BIFF Hog Haven? GAVIN Uh, I don't think he celebrates Christsmas, actually. GAVIN Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a Christmas tree or Christmas decorations here. PAULINE You have to come here! CLARA That rightt? BIFF No, I can't come now. Clara has just arrived, and… PAULINE May I remind you that it's your job to clear snow? You're to come now! Right away. BIFF Pauline has got herself snowed in, and I'd better get over there with the plough to… uh… BIFF But listen, I've arranged a surprise for you both in the barn. BIFF You can check it out until I get back. BIFF And we can fix things up here when I come home, Clara. BIFF OK? CLARA Yes. OK. BIFF Bye. GAVIN Bye. GAVIN Are you all right, Clara? CLARA Yes. GAVIN Come on. Let's go and take a look at the surprise in the barn. CLARA Yeah. GAVIN Wow, that is so cool. GAVIN Wowsa! It's a Molon Q-30! GAVIN He's done us pretty proud, eh? GAVIN And it's got a spectral analyzer. Wowsaroony! It's got an arpeggio button. CLARA Right. GAVIN And it's got a spectral analyzer. Wowsaroony! It's got an arpeggio button. GAVIN Oh, great... CLARA Why does he have all these Christmas decorations when he doesn't use them? GAVIN So cool! Look at that light, and... CLARA Wow, look! There's lots of great stuff here GAVIN Some great speakers, and... GAVIN Just imagine him setting all this up for us, Clara? Hmm… OK… Let's see here… CLARA Crikey, look at this! CLARA Here are Mum and Dad, and me as a baby. CLARA Look! CLARA Oh, look! Look how lovely it's been here. CLARA That big Christmas tree. GAVIN Wow. CLARA It's terrific. CLARA Gavin? Is Dad usually by himself at Christmas? GAVIN Yes, I think so. I think he works quite a bit. CLARA Works? On Christmas Eve? GAVIN Yeah. Uncle Baart, like, complains about the racket the tractor makes when he's listening to the Silver Boys' Choir. CLARA Oh. GAVIN But now you're here, I'm sure he's really looking forward loads to having Christmas with you. GAVIN Hey? CLARA Yeah? GAVIN Are you ready? CLARA What for? GAVIN To hear my new song? CLARA Oh yes! Let's hear it! GAVIN OK. But I've only spent half an hour or so on it. CLARA Ok GAVIN Plus a few days. CLARA OK. GAVIN Well, a week, but...... CLARA Gavin! GAVIN OK, but it's a bit weird. CLARA Gavin! Play it! GAVIN Oh, uh, all right. Ha ha… CLARA Yahoo! Brilliant! BAART Are, there you are, you little rascal. BAART You always come back. BAART Listen, what are you thinking, having this much snow on your roof? CHICKOLINA The snow drifts down and settles where it wants to. Who am I to clear it? CHICKOLINA Be careful, now. BAART I am being careful. CHICKOLINA I meant, with the snow. BAART Snow? Clearing snow/What a way to go… BAART My grand piano? CHICKOLINA Jumping Giblets! Baart? Baart? Where are you? BAART My hotplate? CHICKOLINA Jumping Giblets! Baart? Baart? Where are you? BAART My accordion. That's out of tune now. CHICKOLINA That is the wrost thing I have ever witnessed. BAART Yup, that didn't go too well. BAART At least it'll be perfect for the summer. CHICKOLINA The summer? What have you gone and done? BAART Who, me? I haven't gone and done anything. No. Your roof tried to finish off old Baart here. CHICKOLINA Oh! My satellite dish! BAART Well, that'll be covered by the insurance, right? CHICKOLINA I don't have anywhere to stay over Moon Shift. I'm going to have to stay with you. CHICKOLINA Until… you've fixed the roof. BAART U… no. No, no, no. CHICKOLINA Yes. And you have to fix the dish. PAULINE At last. Did you have to go all the way around the ring road, or what? BIFF But.. You're not snowed in? PAULINE Can you clear snow? BIFF That little pile? Surely you could have managed that yourself? PAULINE Myself? There are lots of things here I need help with. BIFF Oh? What? PAULINE Well. Let's see. The icicles are a real hazard. They need to go, and I can't reach them. PAULINE That drive is slick as soap. It needs sanding, and I have back trouble.Ouch… PAULINE The porch needs clearing, and I can't find the shovel. BIFF It's right behind you? PAULINE Huh? BIFF Did you get me all the way out here to do things you can't manage to do yourself? PAULINE Have you had a good Christmas so far, Biff? PAULINE How are things going with your Uncle Arne? BIFF I don't have an Uncle Arne, Pauline. BIFF And this, I can't be doing with it. PAULINE What? I can't remember my internet password. BIFF Talk soon, Pauline, and I hope you have great Christmas. BIFF No. There's an avalanche. PAULINE What? BIFF Avalanche! PAULINE Oh. BIFF Take cover! PAULINE Absolutely. Terrible internet cover up here. Useless. BIFF We're snowed in PAULINE Oh. So you're going to be here for a while, then. CHICKOLINA Baart? BAART Be careful. BAART SONG: “American Woman" begins. CHICKOLINA I've seen worse damage. Today. GAVIN It's good. CLARA Really good. GAVIN You liked it? CLARA Yeah! Mega cool. GAVIN What was that? CLARA Where did it come from? GAVIN From the barn's ceiling. GAVIN Maybe it was a mouse? CLARA Mice couldn't have done that. CLARA Let's go and take a look. CLARA Come on, then. GAVIN Yeah... CLARA Look, Gavin, look… GAVIN What? CLARA What is it? GAVIN Wow GAVIN It must be where the Gnome lives. CLARA Yeah. The Gnome. CLARA Look how nice it is in there. CLARA The spoon. Look. CLARA N I E L S, Niels CLARA Shall we? Shall we go inside? GAVIN But Clara… GAVIN Maybe we shouldn't really be here. GAVIN The Gnome shouldn't be disturbed. We could drive him away, or something. CLARA Is he dangerous? GAVIN No, I don't think so. GAVIN I think I may have hit my head. GAVIN I can hear this ringing sound. CLARA It's the phone, Gavin. GAVIN Yes... CLARA Maybe it's Dad! CLARA Hallo? Cattle Hill? BIFF Hallo? CLARA Dad? BIFF Hi there, Clara! Listen, something's happened here. CLARA What? BIFF There was an avalanche, and I'm snowed in with Pauline. CLARA Oh gosh, are you both all right? BIFF Sure thing, we're fine for the moment. But we're snowed in. BIFF So I won't be home before tomorrow. BIFF There's a whole lot of snow here. BIFF Hallo? Clara? CLARA Hallo? Dad? BIFF Clara? Clara! No… PAULINE What a tragedy. The battery's dead. BIFF Hallo? CLARA Dad's snowed in with Pauline. GAVIN Oh, poor him. And with Pauline as well. CLARA So he won't be back until tomorrow. CLARA Gavin! We can do it, right? GAVIN Yes! It! Uh… what? CLARA We can make Christmas at Cattle Hill! GAVIN Yeah. CLARA Think how great it'll be. We can give Dad the best Christmas ever. GAVIN We can ask Uncle Baart for help. GAVIN He's Mr.Christmas around here. CLARA Yes, that's a great idea. GAVIN He's got some fairy lights up in the attic. CLARA Yeah! And we can... CHICKOLINA Baart? Baart? BAART There. That's it… Yes? CHICKOLINA Baa..baa Baart? CHICKOLINA Are you hanging up Angel Root? BAART No, this is mistletoe. BAART Number 84, that is. It's my favourite. BAART Maybe a suitable ewe will show up this year BAART And if we end up under it together, well… CHICKOLINA Hallo? Baart? CHICKOLINA Baart? CHICKOLINA You and your strange traditions, Baart. BAART What's that? BAART Ugh. I get nauseous so easily. CHICKOLINA The scent of sandalwood. BAART This smells of sweaty feet and dingleberries, or rotten eggs or something. CHICKOLINA Oh no. It's good for the soul, Baart BAART Good for the soul, maybe. But not for the nostrils. CHICKOLINA Yeah, yeah. BAART This smells of chicken that's gone off. GAVIN Uncle Bart! Will you help us? BAART With what? BAART Hallo? BAART With what? CLARA We're going to decorate Cattle Hill for Christmas. Surprise Dad. BAART Now? GAVIN + CLARA Yes! BAART Hahaha, you've got to be out of your minds! BAART Coming here two days before Christmas, saying you want to get things ready now?? BAART Just think about what today's called BAART Tiny Little Christmas Eve? And there are only two days to Christmas. BAART Oh, help! BAART I have so much to fix up and get ready here. BAART Chickolina! BAART No alien elements on my Christmas tree, thank you. CLARA But... GAVIN I can help you! BAART No, Gavin. You have to be here! We have to complete number 75. BAART Empty the latrine bucket. BAART With all the clementines you're going to be stuffing your face with BAART You know you're going to need an empty bucket. GAVIN I can come and help you tomorrow. CLARA Yeah. OK. CLARA I can make a brilliant Christmas for my Dad all by myself. CLARA Just imagine how happy Dad's going to be when he comes back home to a proper Christmas atmosphere. CLARA Right then, I've decorated Mum's shop, so I can do this as well. CLARA What do I need? CLARA A great big tree, out in the yard. Which has to be chooped down and carried. CLARA Fairy lights.. Which have to be strung from the roof. CLARA Oh no, I can't do this by myself. CLARA Yes! CLARA The Gnome helps Dad with the farm. CLARA So I'm sure he'll help me too. CLARA Dad is going to be so proud of me CLARA It's going to be just fantastic! CLARA There! CLARA OK. Mhm. Aha. CLARA Yes, that one. CLARA Decorate Christmas tree! CLARA OK. And that one. CLARA (sings) Baparapa! CLARA Mr. Gnome? CLARA I've brought you some porridge. CLARA Mr. Gnome! Time for some Christmas porridge! Gnome! CLARA I'll set it down here. Like that. CLARA Mr. Gnome? CLARA Don't be frightened. CLARA I'm not dangerous. CLARA If you help me, you can have as much porridge as you want. CLARA Yes. NISSE Porridge. PAULINE I've discovered I like those baroque style Christmases. PAULINE It strikes the richest seasonal tone. PAULINE He's fun, isn't he? Isn't he, Biff? PAULINE Biff, I've had an idea. PAULINE Why don't we just spend Christmas here? You and me? BIFF No. I have to get off home. PAULINE But it's so boring just sitting here, watching you dig. PAULINE We can play charades. Yatzy. We can play poker! PAULINE For money! Lots of money! You can borrow some from me. PAULINE Biff? Do you want to come and see my Christmas decoration? BIFF Huh? GAVIN Wow! GNOME Porridge. GAVIN Clara? CLARA Hi, Gavin! GAVIN Hi! GAVIN Did you do all this? CLARA Yep! GAVIN Wow! CLARA Jump on! GAVIN Where are we going? CLARA To find a Christmas tree, of course! CLARA All aboard! The Christmas Tree Express is ready to depart! GAVIN OK, but not too fast, then. GAVIN We're going in there, OK? GAVIN Golly. GNOME Look! Look! CLARA Look! GAVIN It's a bit steep. CLARA Yes, it's over here. GAVIN Oh no, stop! GAVIN You forgot to put brakes on it, didn't you? CLARA Gavin. GAVIN Clara! CLARA Yes? CLARA No, you don't have to be scared. He's really nice. GAVIN Huh? CLARA Come on out. CLARA Gavin isn't dangerous. GAVIN Wowsa! GAVIN So it was he who helped you decorate the place? CLARA Yep! GAVIN How did you manage that? CLARA I made him porridge. GAVIN Porridge? I don't think the Gnomes are supposed to have porridge before Christmas Eve. GAVIN Grandpa said that he shouldn't have too much. GAVIN Just one bowl a year. CLARA Gavin. One bowl? That's just a fairy tale. CLARA I've been giving him porridge all day, me. CLARA Looks like it's going all right. GAVIN Yes, but... GNOME Tree, tree CLARA This is our tree GAVIN Gosh. It's really great. CLARA Wow! That's the best, most beautiful tree I've ever seen. CLARA Come on, let's decorate it! BIFF That's it for me. BIFF I have to get out of here! PAULINE You can help me decorate a bit. BIFF No! BIFF No more digging. No more nagging about plastic trees or playing Happy Families. BIFF No more complaining.. BIFF Pauline? PAULINE Yes? BIFF I'm stuck. PAULINE I thought we weren't having any more complaining in here. PAULINE Eaten too many apple pies, then? PAULINE What? You get out through the flue, that's how. CLARA Good, Gavin. Cool! GAVIN Yahoo! Yeah! CLARA Yeah! CLARA Great! GAVIN See, he's digging it! Hee hee hee… GAVIN Where did he get to? GAVIN Hey! CLARA Yeah! GAVIN Wohoo! GAVIN Wow! CLARA + GAVIN Yeah! Woohoo! CLARA Let's see now. Yes, this is porridge, right. GNOME Porridge. CLARA Shall we go inside and have some breakfast? GNOME Porridge. Porridge. CLARA Yes yes, you'll get some soon. CLARA Come on, Mr. Gnome. GNOME Porridge. CLARA Let's see now… CLARA Here you go. GNOME Porridge. GNOME Porridge. GNOME Porridge? CLARA Have you eaten it up already? GNOME Porridge? CLARA No, you've had enough, now. CLARA O dear. GNOME Porridge! Porridge. CLARA Oh. GNOME Porridge! PAULINE Whatever are you up to, Biff? PAULINE are you supposed to be Santa? BIFF Help me out of here. PAULINE How on earth am I going to do that? BIFF You'll have to pull. PAULINE No, ugh. You'll have to pay for the cleaning. BIFF What was that? PAULINE Uh, what was what? BIFF You've got a phone? And you didn't say anything? PAULINE Well, yes? BIFF Pauline? PAULINE I only have a top-up card, so… BIFF Give it here! GAVIN What is itt? BAART Oh, goodness gracious! BAART I've received a letter. BAART Guess who's coming here today. GAVIN Santa? BAART Hahaha! Sheds and Wildlife! BAART They're going to put Sætra on the cover! GAVIN I'm off to see Clara now. BAART Sheds and Wildlife. GAVIN So long, see you later. BAART You know, this is the biggest thing that's happened to me since... BAART Is it even possible? BAART Christmastide, ho ho ho. BAART There's something about Christmas, Chickolina? Eh what? BAART When Christmastide decends upon us, as it were BAART What? Huh? Chickolina, what are you doing? CHICKOLINA It's Zumba, Baart. CHICKOLINA It makes laying eggs so much easier. BAART Hey, Gavin! Wait, I'm coming with you! BIFF Clara? CLARA Dad? BIFF How's it going? CLARA It's all good here BIFF What was that? CLARA It's just Gavin, fooling around. GNOME Porridge, porridge? Porridge porridge porridge. CLARA No no no no no no no, stop that. GNOME Porridge, porridge? Porridge porridge porridge. CLARA Bad! BIFF Clara! What's going on? CLARA Gavin knocked something over, that's all. BIFF Knocked? PAULINE No no no, not that! BIFF Clara? Hallo? Whatever is happening, Clara? PAULINE No no no! No, wait! PAULINE Porridge! BIFF Nope, something crazy's going on at Cattle Hill. PAULINE Business as usual, in other words. BIFF Pauline? PAULINE Yes? BIFF I need you to help me. BIFF I'll do anything BIFF If you'll help me out here. PAULINE Anything? PAULINE Well, as yet I don't have any plans for this evening. BIFF Huh? PAULINE I don't want to impose, but... can I come and spend Christmas with you? BIFF Yes… OK, you can come and spend Christmas with us. BIFF If you just help me find a way to… PAULINE Use your head, Biff! BIFF Huh? PAULINE I knew you were slow, but are you deaf as well? BIFF That's enough. PAULINE Oh you dumb ox, you! BIFF Pauline ... PAULINE You drive like an old blind mouse. BIFF Enough, now!! PAULINE Bravo! Your apple pies taste like snot! PAULINE You stink of dung. PAULINE That's settled then. Christmas Eve at Cattle Hill. Vamos! PAULINE Ah, we're free! We're free! Come on, Biff. We have a party to get to. BAART You didn’t help me choose the tree.You weren’t there to help fill the stockings. BAART That's two whole items you've missed. BAART So, you don't want to…? BAART What on earth has happened here? BAART But it can't loook like this. Sheds and Wildlife won't… BAART They're going to eliminate Sætra. BAART Have you had a hand in this? GAVIN We got some help from the Gnome. BAART The Gnome? GAVIN Yes, the Gnome. GNOME Porridge. CLARA No, you've eaten up all the porridge. There isn't any left! GNOME More! CLARA You can have a carrot and a glass of cold milk. GNOME Porridge! Porridge! CLARA Wait! BAART How did you manage this? Did the Gnome do everything? GAVIN Yes! The Gnome is really nice, and he… GAVIN He helps with.... GAVIN Oh… we're best friends. GNOME Porridge, porridge. CLARA Stop! GAVIN I mean it, he's really nice! CLARA No no no. CLARA No no. There's no porridge out there! Stop! CLARA There now, that's it. Come to Clara. GNOME Porridge! CLARA No! BAART Where's the little beast got to, then? CHICKOLINA Oh. Ayeee, caramba. GNOME Porridge. Porridge, porridge! CHICKOLINA Hallo? Baart? Baart? GNOME Porridge, porridge, porridge, porridge! Porridge. Now! CHICKOLINA Aaagh, the Moon Man! CLARA He's a real cheeky Gnome. BAART So. You've gone and created a Rampaging Gnome. BAART What have you done? CLARA I haven't done anything. I've given him a bit of porridge, that's all. BAART How much? CLARA Just two or three. BAART What, spoonfuls? CLARA Er, no, pots. BAART Do you realise what you've done? CHICKOLINA Baart! Come back! PAULINE Didn't they take it? BIFF No... PAULINE Can you at least try the tractor? BIFF If you can get it to start, then… PAULINE What are we going to do? We'll have to walk, then. BIFF Uh no. Maybe we can call. And hope it's not too late… KAREN Ah, typical. OK, then. Yes, wait up! I'm coming. KAREN Earth to Table. Welcome. PAULINE I am not terribly impressed with the transport you've laid on, Biff. PAULINE I think you should give it two stars. KAREN If you don't shut up now, then… PAULINE Look out! ERNIE Whoa, whoa. That was a close one. PAULINE I'm stuck. Hallo? ERNIE Smile! ERNIE Is this the way to Sætra? BIFF Uh, yes. ERNIE Room for one more? PAULINE Help me up. I can't move. Don't stop. Biff! BIFF Well, I think we can squeeze one more in. Right, Pauline? PAULINE Oh, I have to pee, I have to. I have to pee. PAULINE No, it was just gas. I can't move. Biff! BAART Chickolina? No, look! No, that as well!! CHICKOLINA What is it? BAART No… look! CHICKOLINA It was the Moon Man. BAART No that wasn't any Moon Man. CHICKOLINA Yes it was! BAART It was the Gnome! Clara gave him an overdose of porridge. CLARA I'm sorry, Baart. CLARA I was just trying to decorate the place forn Christmas. I didn't know the Gnome was going to wreck everything. BAART What am I going to do now? BAART Sheds and Wildlife will be hear any minute! My life is over! ## CHICKOLINA No, Baart, calm down. Have a crystal. BAART We have to get rid of the Gnome. CHICKOLINA There there, there, now… BAART We have to chase him away BAART Before he wipes us all out. GAVIN But Uncle, if the Gnome leaves, then.. CLARA There won't be a farm. BAART There's not much of a farm left, right now. CLARA What have I done? CLARA OK, we have to find him and get him to stay on the farm. CLARA He's Cattle Hill's Gnome. Our Gnome. And he always will be. CHICKOLINA Yeah! GAVIN Yeah! BAART So, what's the plan? CLARA Shush! Quiet. I think he's in the barn. CHICKOLINA Baart, I didn't know you played hockey? BAART Oh, I blat a puck around now and then. CLARA Look, Gavin. Look. BAART No actually I was trying for the circuit, but it didn’t work out that well. I missed a shot and hit someone with my stick. Then I got a back injury... CLARA What's that? CLARA Not good. It's his spoon. BAART Shush! BAART Well, here comes Biff now. In the nick of time, tee hee… BAART Get out of here! GNOME Porridge! GAVIN We have to get away. GAVIN Uncle Baart, run for the barn! BAART The Gnome! CHICKOLINA Baart! Oh, Baart. BAART Where is he? GNOME Porridge! CLARA No, no, no, no! CLARA No! GNOME Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! GNOME Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! Porridge! CLARA Stop, stop, stop, stop! There's nothing out there. There's nothing left. Listen! GNOME Porridge! CLARA No! No, no, no! Not the tree! GNOME Tree! CLARA Stop him! CLARA No... BAART What? No, how…?... BAART No! Leave that alone. It has to… No! CLARA No no no no! CLARA No! BAART Where did it get to? There it is. GNOME Porridge, porridge, porridge. GNOME Porridge, porridge. Porridge? BAART That's it. Just stay there. Don't move. GNOME Porridge. Porridge? CLARA Are you all right? CLARA Mr. Gnome, I'm sorry. I didn't know that… . GNOME Porridge. CLARA All this isn't your fault. It's mine. GNOME Porridge, porridge. Porridge. CLARA Mr. Gnome? Mr. Gnome, no. GNOME Leaving. CLARA Don't leave. You belong at Cattle Hill. We need you here. GNOME Leaving. CLARA Mr. Gnome? Oh No... CLARA We have to go and look for him. Shall we go and look for him? BIFF What on earth KAREN Goodness. What has happened here? ERNIE Oh my goodness me. PAULINE You've been decorating the place? BAART Do you think he'll be back again? Did he get upset? I don't quite get it. He disappeared behind here, didn't he? BIFF Clara? CLARA Dad! Mum! KAREN My little calflet. BIFF What… What's happened here, Clara? CLARA I've ruined everything. CLARA I hust wanted to make a really great Christmas for you, and now the Gnom has disappeared, and… CLARA …I've ruined the whole of Christmas for everyone. BIFF It’s all right, sweetheart. The main thing is that you're fine. BIFF Where is the Gnome now? CLARA He… he ran off. BAART Well, there won't be a Christmas. That Clara, she's wrecked everything. BIFF Oh come now, she didn't mean to. Everyone can make mistakes. BAART Yes, but some farms make more mistakes than others. BIFF Yeah, yeah. Will you relax, Baart? BAART Relax? BIFF This is going to be just fine. BAART And how that going to happen, do you suppose? BAART You can't possibly have a farm without a Gnome. CHICKOLINA No. GAVIN I have an idea. GAVIN He likes music. CLARA He does? BAART He likes music? GAVIN Yes, he danced around like a flamingo when he heard that song. BAART A flamingo? CLARA Yes! We have to play for him. BAART Play for him? GAVIN + CHICKOLINA Yes! CLARA Let's play your new song! BAART My song? CLARA Gavin… GAVIN OK. CLARA Gavin GAVIN I've only spent half an hour on it, though. BAART Haven't you been practising? CLARA+BIFF+CHICK+KARI Baart! BIFF What do you need, Gavin? GAVIN All the instruments we can lay our hands on. CLARA Come on! GAVIN Uncle Baart, you must fetch your fiddle! CHICKOLINA I can go and get my accordion! BAART Chickolina, I need a G string. Do you have a new one? ENSEMBLE (Song) "Shining Star" GNOME Go... Go... Go... GNOME Home PAULINE Look out! PAULINE And I can hold that note for much longer… CHICKOLINA Have a crystal. CLARA The Gnome! CLARA Just wait a moment. How are you doing? CLARA Thank you for coming back. This is where you belong. This is your home. Here, at Cattle Hill. GNOME Home. GNOME Porridge? CLARA Oh no, not again. CLARA Huh? CLARA I think you’ve had enough porridge this year. ERNIE Is that…?. PAULINE Yes. I think that's a hippie. ERNIE Ah, brilliant. BAART What are you doing? ERNIE Oh, just going around taking some photos for Sheds and Wildlife. BAART What? ERNIE Well, I was going to go to Sætra, but this is much more exciting. BAART No, no… BAART Tell me you're joking. ERNIE And smile… BAART Nooo…! BAART No. Stop. Stop. No. ERNIE Nope, I be off, so we can get this to press. BAART But… ERNIE Merry Christmas. BAART Oh no. No, stop. Stop. BAART 89 items and all in vain. GAVIN It's fine, Uncle Baart. There'll be another Chrsitmas next year. BAART No, no, no! BAART Noooo! KAREN Whoa….! CHICKOLINA Baart, calm down. Have a crystal! CLARA Christmas has offically started! BIFF Well, let's get the farm fixed up for a proper Christmas Party! BIFF You're excused. You've done more than enough for this year. BIFF Right, but first we have to tidy up. GAVIN We need to sort the instruments out, but they'll have to stay where they are until we get home. CLARA And Gavin's composed so many new songs. And they're Christmas songs. Loads of Christmas songs. You can play those, Gavin. BAART Brrr, it's too cold to wait.. ERNIE We at Sheds and Wildlife have always thought that Christmas is special. ERNIE It should be beautiful, and bring that Christmas feeling to all of us. ERNIE But a visit to Cattle Hill has made me ask the question, what is it that’s beautiful? ERNIE What gives that Christmas feeling? ERNIE Is it the decorations we put up? ERNIE All the traditions we follow to create that Christmas feeling? BAART There. Like that. Awesome! CHICKOLINA Baartt! Maintenant, je joue de la guitare. ERNIE From what I’ve just experienced, it doesn’t matter that much if the tree is decorated, or broken in two. ERNIE Because when all’s said and done, Christmas means nothing if you can’t share it with the people you’re fond of. BIFF Kari! ERNIE And if you can do that, then the tree can fall over, the baubles can get smashed, and the food burned.... KAREN Ah, this is so nice and cosy. When you were little, we used to celebrate Christmas in here. ERNIE For Christmas comes around every year, and the Christmas they are having at Cattle Hill showed me that all one needs are good friends and family... BIFF Yeah, yeah, yeah. ERNIE .And to never forget that the Gnome can only eat one portion of porridge CLARA Mr. Gnome? It's Christmas! ERNIE And he has to have it on Christmas Eve. CHICKOLINA Christmas Eve. Baart my dear, this is nice. BAART What? BAART No! BAART Good heavens, why did they use that photo of me? BAART I don't exactly look much like a ewe magnet now. BAART This is going to be the worst Christmas ever. CHICKOLINA Baart? BAART Yes? CHICKOLINA We have to go now. They're waiting for us. BAART Yes. CHICKOLINA Oh. CHICKOLINA Yuck. That tasted of lamb stew. BAART Made me want an omelette. CHICKOLINA Oh, that was weird. BAART Christmas just got a bit better. BAART Hey, Chickolina. It was written down. We had to do it. CHICKOLINA Yeah, sure. But next year we can have Kwa-kwa-kwanza. CLARA Thanks a million for your help, Gavin. KAREN How nice you've made it in here! BIFF Isn't it? GAVIN There. Yes, there! CHICKOLINA Ho ho BIFF Hi there! GAVIN Hei, Chickolina CLARA Chickolina! GAVIN Uncle Baart, you can sit here! CHICKOLINA Here you go, Clara. I've put I’ve put an appetite crystal on it. That will help. CLARA Have you fixed it? GAVIN Great. BIFF Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. GAVIN I was thinking I should apply to that Paul McCartney school. BAART Well, I sqaw the cover of Sheds and Wildlife. BAART It's the next best photo, but it's brought results. I've already had messages from some ewes. GNOME Porridge. CLARA He's Cattle Hill's Gnome. GNOME Porridge. CLARA And he always will be. PAULINE Hey, tell me, weren't we supposed to be celebrating Chrtistmas here. I'm ravenous as a pig. PAULINE I'm just getting started. PAULINE My blood sugar. Is that it? I could eat an ox. And you Biff, could eat a whole one. KAREN It'll be exciting to se who gets the almonds in the porridge. CLARA Me! Me! I never get it. PAULINE I'll have that. Thanks. Thanks for that. BIFF Merry Christmas! CLARA Merry Christmas! BAART Merry Christmas! GAVIN Merry Christmas! PAULINE Yeah, right. Merry Christmas! CHICKOLINA Kwa-Kwa-Kwanza! PAULINE Is there any more porridge? I didn't mean that ox thing, Biff. Have a bit more. Thanks. KAREN Oh, this is nice! GAVIN Are you going to have something, Uncle Baart? CLARA Dad! KAREN And now it'll be New Year soon, and I haven't changed my tyres. Stupid of me. How can I be so dumb? KAREN I'll just have to remember to do it next year. Can't you remind me, Biff? Or you, Clara? KAREN Clara, tell me in July, "Time to change your tyres". You can do that. I think you should. KAREN I've fitted my winter tyres. Is that a bit much, Biff? Winter tyres?