ASSISTANT_DIRECTOR DAVID DUKE FRANKIE JEFF LAUREN MAN MAX MEL PHYLLIS SAM SUNNY WOMAN SAM God damn it! MEL So do me a favor and wake him up a bit. SAM Huh? MEL Just, it’s on him now, so I need you to surprise him because he’s, he’s too controlled now. SAM Okay. MEL Do you mind? SAM No. Totally, I, I think I got it. MEL All right, good. SAM Okay. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Okay, last looks, please. MEL So it’s the big turning point now, right? DAVID Yeah, yeah. MEL Right? This is on you, this is real close. We want to see this thing hit you, right? DAVID Yeah, I got it. MEL And, and the feeling. DAVID Right. MEL Mm-hmm. DAVID Hey, uh- SAM Thanks, Kunta. DAVID Are you, uh, above this? Because I want to. MEL You’re tight. You’re tight. DAVID All right, all right. WOMAN All right, finishing up. DAVID Here we go. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR All right, and let’s roll sound, please. WOMAN Rolling, rolling. MAN Quiet, please. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Sound speed. Marker. DAVID Uh. WOMAN Cameras are set. MEL Action. SAM So I’m really sorry. There’s nothing I can do. You lost custody of Maggie. DAVID Oh, my God, Maggie. SAM Yeah. You’re never gonna see her again, and it’s all your fault. DAVID What? MEL Cut! DAVID Why did you say that? That's- SAM Sorry. DAVID That’s, that's not in the script. SAM Sorry. DAVID That’s not in the script. That felt- That felt weird. MEL Big man, that was- that was amazing. DAVID Yeah? MEL It’s a great, great day. DAVID MEL It’s a great, great day. You’re doing- Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. DAVID Right. SAM Thank you. MEL Hey. SAM Hey. How are you holding up? MEL I’m all right. You know, it’s, uh, this is work. SAM Yeah. MEL But, uh, I’m blessed to be working. SAM That is right. MEL I just want to say I’m a fan from way back. I mean, you are great. SAM Oh, no, no. MEL You are so- SAM You don’t have to say that, Mel, but I do. I love your movies. MEL Well, I used to, too, when they were my movies. SAM I know, but you’re great, and it’s an honor to be working with you, really. MEL Oh, thanks, Sammy. Well, then it’s only fair to tell you that my brother and I used to say "Oh, stop it" all the time. SAM Oh, my God, that’s a nightmare. MEL No, no. Seriously, that show killed us. And when you did the sad episodes, we’d both pretend not to be crying. SAM Aw. MEL Yeah, the sad shows were the best. SAM I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody. MEL SAM Well, not to jerk each other off too much, but Move Down is my Bible. And it formed me. MEL Really? SAM Yeah. It did. A little bit. It did a little bit. MEL Well, that’s- that’s all right. DAVID Melly Mel! Mel, I found these, uh, Tibetan prayer beads over at, uh, props, and I-I want to wear them. Teak’s, uh, Teak’s going to wear these. I know it doesn’t match, but continuity’s for pussies, right? MEL Uh. DAVID So Teak’s a Buddhist now. Right? It’s cool. Or Hindu. MEL Prayer-prayer beads? DAVID Yeah. MEL He’s- SAM MEL Well we used to both do our own thing, and, uh, now we’re doing his thing. SAM Yeah, but it’s good to work with good people, though, along the way. MEL Well, that’s what keeps me going. SAM You doing okay? MEL Yeah. I mean, it’s hard for me being out here. I mean, I-I need my-my home comforts and, uh living in a hotel for a month, you know, gets old, but, uh, SAM Yeah, of course it does. MEL I’m whining. SAM No, no. Everybody needs to be home. You should come to my house for dinner. Come have dinner with me and my girls. And my mom. Just be with a family for a night. You could have some home-cooked food or some home-ordered takeout. Come on, Mel, we’re bros. MEL Seriously? Because, I mean, I mean, I’m-I'm tempted. SAM Yeah, you want to come tomorrow? MEL Um, I could swing tomorrow. SAM Good. You’re coming. Tomorrow. MEL You bet. SUNNY Wait. I’m sorry. Was that Mel Trueblood? SAM Yeah. SUNNY Are you having dirty with Mel Trueblood? Oh, my God, I love your life. SAM You love what you pretend my life is. And no, we’re not doing any dirty things. SUNNY You are. You totally are. SAM How would I not tell you? On what planet am I not telling you? SUNNY Okay, so you’re hoping. SAM No. No, he’s a nice guy. And, uh, he’s also a genius. SUNNY SAM Sunny, stop. That’s gross. SUNNY Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being gross. SAM Yeah. I mean, he’s cute, he’s sexy. And I’m pretty sure he’s married. SUNNY Let’s find out. SAM What are you doing? Don’t. SUNNY I’m googling your genius new boyfriend. SAM No, no. Not while you’re driving. We’re gonna get into an accident. I hate this! SUNNY Dummy. SAM This is nervous- SUNNY A Tesla. It drives itself. SAM Can you please put your hands on the wheel? This gives me a terrible feeling in my stomach. I hate it. SUNNY Aw, man, he’s wicked married. SAM Okay, good. Now you driving and not the robot doing it. Thank you. SUNNY Okay. Do you have to go right home? SAM Yeah, honey. I don’t want to go out. SUNNY No, just come over for a little bit. SAM Fine. SUNNY Oh! You know, you still could sleep with him. SAM Who? SUNNY Mr. Mo’ Money Farouk back there. SAM No. SUNNY You just have to promise to tell me if you do. SAM You promise to tell me if you do. SUNNY Pinky swear right now before we go into the house. SAM I’m not gonna do it. He’s married. SUNNY Uh-huh. SAM Will you make me a lemon drop? SUNNY Totally. JEFF Hey, Sammy. SAM Hi, Jeff. SUNNY Hey, hon. JEFF Hey, baby. Your I, uh, deal keeps making noise. SUNNY Yeah, I know. Can you look at it like I asked you? All my stuff is broken. JEFF Oh, Jesus, I’m so tired. You know what, though? Later, maybe. SUNNY So are you wasted right now? JEFF Okay, eat shit. Kidding. You know, but eat you some shit, though. Right? What? Baby! Eh, women, huh? SAM Yeah. JEFF Right? SAM Mm-hmm. JEFF Seriously, though, she’s often a psycho. Right, Sam? SAM Yeah. JEFF I mean I don’t want to preach to the choir. SAM No, totally. I get it. JEFF You’re awesome, Sammy. SAM Yeah. JEFF Hey, seriously, for a second, though, like, what would she do without me? You know? Or you, for that matter. I mean, I know I don’t have to tell you. It’s like you know- you know her forever. You guys go, like, way back. SAM Yeah. We go way, way back. You know this. My dad and I got in a fight, and, uh, he kicked me out of the house, and I was so scared, and she took me in, and she got me a job. JEFF Whoa. SAM Yeah, she was 19, she was already taking care of people. She was amazing. She was full of confidence. She was so beautiful. I mean, I never knew anybody who had so much potential. And then she met you, Jeff. Jesus, did she love you. JEFF Yeah. SAM And here’s Sunny- all right, this woman who loves so hard and she tries so hard, and she just ends up pouring all of that love into you for years. Jeff, do you know what that’s like to watch your friend, someone you love, someone who is like a goddess with the power to fly to the moon and shine a light on the world, and she ends up using all of that power just to keep her fat, shit, useless, boring stoner husband barely afloat? It’s just a shame, Jeff. JEFF Well, here’s the thing. I know that you have sucked your share of dicks, huh? I’ve heard about you. SAM That’s okay, buddy. Don’t bother. I don’t care what you know. JEFF Okay, well, here’s the thing. I’m gonna have to say that I cannot believe that you just said all of that to me. Jesus, I’m offended. Serious. SAM Don’t worry about it. You won’t remember. You know why I know that? Because I said all of this to you five years ago, and you don’t remember because you’ve smoked 10,000 joints since then, so good night, Jeff. See you at the next thing. JEFF All right, good night, Sammy. SAM Hello. I’m home! DUKE Mama, you’re home. I missed you. SAM Hi. SAM Oh! DUKE Where were you? SAM Mommy had to work today, remember? FRANKIE Hi, Mom. SAM I told you. Hey, come meet our guest! Mel, this is Max, and this little one I’m holding is Duke. She’s very small. MEL Hiya, Duke. DUKE Hi. LAUREN Sam? SAM Oh, this is my sitter Lauren. It’s Mel. LAUREN Can I talk to you? SAM Yeah. What’s up? LAUREN It’s just getting really difficult the way your girls talk to me when you’re not here, and I just think that they should learn some respect, SAM Oh, okay. LAUREN and I don’t know anything about- SAM Okay, I have to cook good dinner, and so thanks for coming. I love you. Bye. Frankie, come here. Mel, this is Frankie. FRANKIE Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. MEL Oh. Hi. FRANKIE Hi. MEL Hi. Hi. Hi. Wait, one more hi. Hi. FRANKIE Oh, then I got to do this again to make it even. Hi. SAM Put on pants. What? DUKE Are you gonna marry him? MEL Hey, Duke? You need to learn how to whisper. FRANKIE Wait, so you’re, like, an actor in the movie Mom’s in? MEL No, I’m the director. PHYLLIS Hello! SAM Oh. There’s my mom. You’re about to meet my mother. Hi, Mom. PHYLLIS Hello, sweetheart. SAM Mom, this is Mel. Mel, this is my mother Phyllis. PHYLLIS Oh. Hello. MEL Oh, hello, Mrs. Fox. It’s very nice to meet you. PHYLLIS Yes, well. SAM Mom, did you take our phone book? Because I noticed all the neighbors have their phone books. PHYLLIS No, no. Why would I take your phone book? I took my phone book, which was left at your step. SAM No, that’s mine. PHYLLIS I always ask for two phone books, and they only brought one, so the one at your step must be mine. SAM Mom! DUKE I learned a piano song, come listen. SAM Come with me to the kitchen. PHYLLIS Okay, off you go. I know this one. MEL Um, did you not tell your mother that you were bringing home a black man? SAM What? Oh, no. Of course not. That’s not- No. MEL I mean- SAM What? No! MEL You should've told her. SAM No, no, no, no, no. I’m telling you, that’s not a thing. My mother is just insane. She makes people feel weird. It’s like her hobby. MEL No, Sam. She’s over 70, okay? You warn her that a black man’s coming over, even if it’s to fix the cable box. SAM Oh, my God. I’m telling you, My mother is not like that. She marched for integration. MEL It doesn’t matter, okay? I’m not calling your mother racist. I’m calling her over 70. You tell an old white lady ahead of time, okay? You warn her. It’s the right thing to do for the old lady and the black guy coming over. SAM Okay. No. I think you’re wrong. MEL Mm-hmm. SAM I’m hearing you, and I know you feel certain of this, but I think that this is your thing. That’s not real. It’s not. SAM Oh, yeah, we don’t have a mezuzah. MEL What’s up with that? SAM We’re not that. MEL Yeah. FRANKIE Mm-mm! One time, Max was going to dance class, and she had this awful stomach virus. MAX Frankie, don’t tell that story. FRANKIE It was like a dress rehearsal for a dance concert. MEL Right. FRANKIE And she was wearing this white leotard. MAX Okay, stop it. SAM Frankie? MAX Stop. DUKE No, let her tell it. FRANKIE Come on. What? SAM Mm-mm. FRANKIE So she misses the, the dress rehearsal. She’s gonna be dropped out of the concert. MEL Mm-hmm. MAX Mom! FRANKIE But she has this stomach virus- SAM Frankie, you can’t tell this story 'cause we’re eating. FRANKIE Oh, come on. Mom- MAX No! Shut up! SAM Frankie, you’re stopping. FRANKIE Fine. Fine. Fine. MAX Thank you. FRANKIE Okay, I’m done. SAM You’re welcome. FRANKIE I’m done. And then, right in the middle of doing a big split, brown poop squirted out of her butt all over the perfect white leotard! MAX Mom! FRANKIE SAM Sorry, Mel. We like that kind of humor at dinner. MEL Oh, no, no, no. It’s-it's fine. SAM What are you doing? MEL Are you, uh, still studying dance? MAX I do this thing. It’s-it’s a modern class. It’s based on this thing called Alvin Ailey. I don’t know if- MEL Sure, I-I-I studied there, actually. MAX You did? MEL Yeah, in New York when I was in high school. That’s great that you’re doing that. Even if you don’t dance, which, you know, I gave it up when I was 19, but you’ll never regret it. I mean, it’s still a part of me. MAX Yeah? Thanks. MEL No, you’re lucky, because when I was your age and I was aching to be an artist, I had to explain that to my parents. My father was a janitor. My mom’s still a nurse. But they didn’t know from art. You’re lucky because your mother is an artist. FRANKIE Well, she’s not, like, an artist. MEL Yes, she is. She’s, like, an artist. SAM Well, thank you, Mel. That’s very nice of you, Mel. PHYLLIS The last time I was in London, I went to Harrods to buy pantyhose, and so, I go to the lingerie department, and Harrods had their own brand of pantyhose, and they’re the only ones I wear, and you can only buy them at that counter. And their hose has three colors Nude, White, and Nigger Brown. That was the name of the color. And that’s the color I always buy. So I go to the counter, and the young woman who was working there happened to be black. And I said to her, "I would like medium-size hose." And she says, "What color, please?" and so I said, "Nigger Brown." And she was shocked. I said it just like that. I could see she was upset. I said to her, "I did you the honor of not noticing your color. Would you do me the honor of getting my item for me?" So she went and got them, and after that, I paid for the hose. Just so you know. Oh, I need to use the loo. MEL You know, you have a really nice family. SAM Thank you. They love you. And I am sorry about my mom. MEL No, no, no. Don’t be sorry about your mom. Never be sorry about your mom. SAM No, Mel. I’m very sorry about my shitty mother. MEL Okay, well, I don’t know her. SAM No, you don’t. MEL Um. SAM Yeah. MEL I. SAM You know, I have a friend who is very invested in wanting us to have sex. MEL Really? SAM She needs us to do it. It’s pretty bad. MEL Well. SAM But I’m not about to get into a thing with a married guy. That’s just not, that’s not me. MEL Well, I mean, I’m going through a divorce right now, and I’ve been going through a divorce, and we’ve been separated for months. But I, uh, you know, am going back to New York tomorrow. SAM Yeah. MEL And as much as my brother would want me to throw down with Sammy Fox, I mean- SAM Hey. MEL Hey. You know. I don’t know. I mean I mean, I like you. But I don’t want to hook up with you. I mean, actually, I really like you. SAM Yeah, me, too. I mean, there’s. MEL No. Yeah. SAM a feeling there. Uh, it’s it’s a nice feeling. MEL Yeah. SAM But me, too. I-I’m- I don’t want to- I mean- MEL No, I- SAM Just like- MEL That’s- SAM There’s your ride. MEL That’s my ride. SAM Yeah. MEL Come here. SAM Mm. MEL Can I just tell you this was the first peace I’ve felt in a very long time? SAM Same. MEL Bye, Sam. SAM See you, Mel.