ACTRESS BOTH CARY CHARLES DANNY DIANE DIRECTOR DUKE FRANKIE GEORGE GROUP JEN JOHN MAN_ON_INTERCOM MAX RECEPTIONIST RECEPTIONIST_2 SAM SUNNY TRESSA WOMAN WOMAN_2 ZACK SAM Huh? What. DIANE Hello. Can-Can I have those? SAM Uh oh. Of course. Yeah. DIANE Wow. Your car is messy. You got kids, I can tell that. SAM Yeah, I sure do. DIANE Why are you sleeping in your car? SAM Oh. Uh, I'm tired all the time. I call it Momstein Barr. I try to power nap when I can. DIANE Yeah, you got to take 'em here and there, right, Mama? SAM Yeah. FRANKIE Oh, I have to go to Staples, remember? You promised. I have to get, like, five things off my list. MAX Wait, Mom, Mom, you're passing the Goodwill place! FRANKIE Mom, pay attention! MAX Stop! SAM Here. Take the jacket. DIANE Oh. SAM And what size shoe do you wear? DIANE Thank you. I-I wear a eight. SAM 'Cause I I don't know whose this is, but these are, like, a nine or a ten, maybe. DIANE Oh, man, you are such a nice lady. You're pretty. SAM Thank you. You're pretty. DIANE Oh, no. No. I used to be, but you got to take care of yourself. You know, get your car washed, get your hair done. How do you think you're gonna to get a nice man to make love to you? SAM Oh. No. None of that for me. I got rid of him. DIANE I'm not talking about a husband. I'm talking about a man. Don't you want a man to be nice to you? SAM Oh. Yeah, well. MAX I told Paisley we could to a vintage photo shoot, and I need wardrobe. FRANKIE Shut up, Maxie, shut up, Maxie MAX Shut your face! FRANKIE Sam, your daughter is a monster. DIANE You can't just be a mama all the time. You got to sometimes be a lady, with the man putting his full weight on you, making you feel good. SAM Yeah. I appreciate that, Diane, but there is zero time in the mom's schedule for being a lady. DIANE Oh, yeah, okay. I hear you with that. I raised four of my own. SAM So you know. DIANE Oh, yeah. I mean, you give 'em every second you got. You take 'em to school, you take 'em to their friend's house, music lessons. SAM Dance class. DIANE Yeah, sports. All those activities. SAM Endless. DIANE I got my oldest- he's a lawyer back in Minnesota. SAM Wow. DIANE Yeah. One of 'em's married in Oregon. Two of 'em are working back east. They got good lives. SAM And you gave that to them. DIANE Just like you. And now look at me. They leave you with nothing. You got to make time for you, Mama. They take everything, and then you're like me, hoping you find some nice lady to give you a jacket. SAM Get out. MAX What? FRANKIE What are you doing, Samantha? SAM Get out. MAX No way, Mom. FRANKIE Mom, you can't just leave us here. SAM There's a bus stop right there. Get on the bus. Take it home. MAX Mom, don't be a drama queen. That bus doesn't even go to our house. SAM No, it doesn't. You're gonna take the bus to Ventura, get out, walk up the hill. Bye! Bye! Get out! I mean it! FRANKIE Mom, we're sorry. We don't need anything. We'll help you with the groceries when we get home. Please. DANNY Shit, I don't know. Damn it. ZACK What'd the Network say about Eliza again? DANNY I don't know. She doesn't pop. Something like that. ZACK Oh. I'm sick of all these ladies. DANNY Jen, what did they say about Eliza? JEN Um, the note was "she's a bummer." ZACK Yeah, she is a bummer. I hate that we've circled back to talking about her. JEN The network already approved Manning Truesome. Let's just cast her. DANNY I'll kill myself first. ZACK George. GEORGE Yeah? ZACK Is there anyone we haven't thought of? GEORGE All right, look. I have someone. JEN Who? GEORGE She was in a pilot I directed about ten years ago. She was hilarious. Network fired her because she had no tits. JEN That's not good. DANNY Who? Sam Fox. ZACK I used to jerk off to her. JEN No way. No way. She's, like, 60 now. SAM Possible side effects include nausea, stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide, diarrhea, and, in rare cases, seizures or death. DIRECTOR Yeah, Sam, can you sound a little more cheerful during the disclaimer? SAM Possible side effects include nausea, stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide, diarrhea, and, in rare cases, seizures or death. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to sound cheerful about diarrhea. I'm sorry. Diarrhea, sir. Oh, diarrhea, everyone. Is it thoughts of suicide and diarrhea, or is it thoughts of suicide and also thoughts of diarrhea? There's DIRECTOR I know, buddy. I'm sorry. SAM What does this drug do, anyway? DIRECTOR It's a boner maker. SAM Oh. Well, anything for a boner. DIRECTOR Yeah, okay. SAM I mean, although, if a guy has a nice hard dick and he has diarrhea squirting out the back, it sort of ruins it, you know what I mean? Just sort of. SAM Okay, let's go. Is it you? Shit. SAM Oh. Come on. Bingo. Seriously? Oh. Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! DUKE Mama, what's happening? SAM Honey, I'm sorry. FRANKIE Mom, what did you do? SAM It's just the smoke detectors. FRANKIE Oh, my God, Mom! DUKE Mama, I'm scared! SAM It's okay. FRANKIE Mom, call Dad right now! SAM No! MAX What's going on? SAM Who are all those people in there? MAX Mom, who cares? Are we gonna die right now? FRANKIE You idiot! It's just a frigging smoke detector! MAX Shut up! SAM Everybody, stop! SAM I am so, so, so sorry. MAX Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. DUKE Shut up, Max! Mommy's doing her best! FRANKIE Mom, call Dad. The firemen are gonna want to talk to Dad. SAM I can talk to the firemen! I don't need your fucking father! I can talk to a fireman by myself! TRESSA I mean, I can send you out for any audition that you want. But you have to be careful about burning yourself out. I think, personally, that it's better to go out for just a few things every month. You know, to seem more selective. The interesting thing about you is that you can play a good range age-wise. ACTRESS Oh, definitely. I can play up to 25 and really down to 16. TRESSA Mm-hmm. RECEPTIONIST Phone call. TRESSA I'm meeting. RECEPTIONIST It's Jen Abrams. TRESSA Jen, hi. JEN Hey, Tressa, do you still represent Sam Fox? TRESSA Uh yeah. JEN So you don't. Did she fire you? TRESSA No, Jen, she didn't. I do represent her. Can I help you? JEN I'm checking her avails for a pilot. TRESSA Oh, for when? JEN It shoots in March. It's the lead. TRESSA The lead? Whose pilot is it? JEN Danny and Zack. TRESSA Okay. Well, I will give her a call. Um, is this. JEN Danny and Zack love her. Haven't checked the network yet. TRESSA Ah. Got it. Thanks, Jen. JEN Yeah. SUNNY See, I like that one. SAM Yeah, but sh. SUNNY It-it's subtle. Like, you don't notice, but you can totally tell. SAM It's shiny. SUNNY That's it's really good. SAM I want my face and neck to stop being old-looking, that's all. SUNNY Yeah. That's scary. That's just scary. She looks like an alien. SAM Hang on. It's my manager. TRESSA Hi, honey. SAM Hi, Tressa. TRESSA Hey, so, um, some people are checking your avails for March for a pilot. SAM Okay. TRESSA Should I say you're around? SAM Yeah, I'm around. I mean, you know I'm around. TRESSA Sure. SAM Wait. What's the pilot? What's the part? TRESSA You know, just the usual friend of the lead kind of thing. Anyway, I will let them know that you're around. SAM Yeah. Bye, doll. TRESSA Bye, hon. JOHN Hi, hello. SAM Hi. JOHN So nice to meet you. I'm John. SAM Hi. I'm Sam. This is Sunny, my friend. SUNNY Sunny, hi. JOHN Hi. Did you get a chance to look at the photos? SAM Yeah, we did. Um, I'm not saying that yours do at all, but I notice that sometimes people tend to look a little shiny and a bit like a potato, kind of. A wet potato. JOHN Right. Well, not here, because our technique is undetectable. You will not leave looking like a shiny potato face. SAM Wow. Okay. Well, we're here. I mean, this is for me. She's perfect. SUNNY Ha, ha, ha, no, seriously, what do you what do you think? JOHN How young are we now? SUNNY Um, I'm 38. JOHN You look great. SUNNY Thank you JOHN You both look great. I wouldn't really do anything on you. SUNNY Seriously? JOHN Yeah. SUNNY Wow. JOHN Okay, why don't you climb up onto this chair? SAM Okay. Okay. Awesome. JOHN Okay, let's have a look. SAM Okay, so. JOHN Uh-huh. SAM You see how kind of the left side of my face, it's melting? JOHN Mm-hmm. SAM Like, my right eye, it's really heavy, like I've been in a prize fight. JOHN Yeah. SAM And then my neck. Jesus. I mean, what's happening to me? JOHN Mm-hmm. SAM Show him the picture. SUNNY Oh, yeah. Um. JOHN Yeah. SAM There's a picture of me. SUNNY So, that's like, um. JOHN Ah. Yeah. SUNNY seven, eight. Maybe. SAM 14. SUNNY Maybe nine years ago. JOHN Yeah, right. See, here, you look fresh. And now you look tired. Just tired. SAM Oh. JOHN That's all. No big deal. We can remedy that. SAM Okay. JOHN Okay? Here, why don't you hold this? SAM Okay. JOHN Okay. Now, you see, if we do a partial face lift. SAM Mm-hmm? JOHN it would raise all of this up. SAM Okay. JOHN And if we did the neck lift, it would be very understated. Okay, watch. SAM Okay. Okay. JOHN Watch this. See this? Pretty. SAM Oh. JOHN Pretty. SAM Mmm. JOHN Huh? Pretty. Pretty. SUNNY He's right. It's kind of, It's kind of amazing. JOHN Huh? SAM Uh-huh. SUNNY Pretty. JOHN Pretty. SAM What about, uh, what about my neck thing? JOHN Okay, watch. Ready? Okay. SAM Mm-hmm. JOHN Uh-huh. Fresh. SUNNY Whoa. JOHN Fresh. SUNNY Wow, fresh. JOHN Huh? Fresh. Huh? So fresh. You see that? Fresh. It's like. SAM Mm-hmm. JOHN Mm-hmm, yeah. SUNNY You look like you went to, like, the Bahamas or something. SAM Yeah, wow. Uh, how long is the down time? JOHN Well, your face will be all bruises for about three weeks. SAM Oh, shit. JOHN Oh, but I anticipate a very youthful result. SUNNY W-What would you tell the girls? SAM Well, I'll just tell them I got attacked. That way, they won't be mad at me. At least they'll be nice to be for a day, maybe. RECEPTIONIST 2 So I have an opening on the 18th. SAM Wow. Well, how much are we talking here? RECEPTIONIST 2 Okay. For the neck lift, it would be 45,000. And for the partial face lift, it would run 50,000. SAM Oh, you know what? I-I'm just gonna- Can I take the price list with me today? 'Cause I'm going to think about it. I don't think I can go completely Garbo right now. RECEPTIONIST 2 Of course. CHARLES Sit, sit, sit. Everyone sit. Terrific. So we are very excited about your show. ZACK So are we. CHARLES Good. So what's up? What can I help you with now? DANNY So, uh, we know who we want for the lead. CHARLES Wow. Great. Have we seen her? ZACK All, right, so, Charles, I, I know you want to see choices. I mean, we've all been through this before. And I'd like to think we have some credibility here with our other shows doing so well. CHARLES We absolutely love your shows. I hope you know that. So who-who is it? Who are we talking about? JEN Sam Fox. Sam Fox is funny, and that's our bottom line. You've got cute all over the network, and there's cute in the show, but Sam Fox is, like, real people. She will score with every demographic. When we cast young, we leave everyone else out. Sam Fox has sex appeal, but the big move here is that she's hysterically funny and everyone likes her. She's an everywoman. CHARLES Works for me. DANNY Jen, great job. JEN She's not on the show yet. ZACK What are you mad about? JEN Because I just burned about 30% of my credibility with Charles Kemp. DANNY What, you didn't believe what you said in there? Because you seemed to. JEN That's my job. ZACK You're a gender traitor. You're putting down your own people. JEN My "people"? ZACK You know, start a test deal with Sam Fox. Call the reps now, please. TRESSA Uh, Charles said that? JEN That's what he said. So we need to start a test deal. TRESSA Wow. Yeah, well, send a deal memo to my office, and we'll get started. JEN Okay, Tressa, thanks. TRESSA Bye, Jen. RECEPTIONIST Should I get Sam on the phone? TRESSA No. And don't tell anyone about this. You got that? RECEPTIONIST Okay. WOMAN We create our own unicorn universe. SAM Just let me- FRANKIE Stop, Mom- Stop! Mom, shush. Pay attention. SAM I want to get your face in. FRANKIE Stop! SAM Fine! Jesus! WOMAN We're not misandrists, but the patriarchy must be stopped. WOMAN Now, Martin Luther King, he had one kind of a dream. FRANKIE Martin Luther King beat his wife. SAM What? FRANKIE Well, some people say that the FBI spread that story to discredit him, but other people say he cheated on his wife, and also people- SAM Wait, who told you this? FRANKIE Cary, Mom. My teacher? SAM Yes. FRANKIE Remember? SAM Yes. FRANKIE Mahatma Gandhi beat his wife, too. SAM Aah! I didn't know Gandhi was even married. Why would Cary be telling you these things? Like, is he trying to make you hate these people? FRANKIE No. He's just telling us the whole truth about them, or at least as it's known. He's telling us what's been said. I mean, yeah, maybe the FBI lied about King, but to say that he's this perfect human statue is-is a lie. SAM Hmm. FRANKIE It-it's important, Mom. Plus, they're still my heroes for the good that they did do. But their personal lives were just kind of sketched out. Anyway, woman is the nigger of the world. SAM Frankie, don't say that. FRANKIE John Lennon said that. SAM I know, but don't you say it. Do you know what he's saying with that song? Also, it's a direct quote from BOTH Zora Neale Hurston. FRANKIE Mom, I know. He wasn't being derogatory. He was being, like, metaphorical. Cary told us that. SAM Hmm. FRANKIE Also, Gandhi was pen pals with Hitler. SAM Oh, my God. ZACK This kid looks like Sam could be his mom. DANNY Why if we give her a black son? ZACK Like she adopted? Or shtupped a black guy? DANNY Shtupped. Yes, please. JEN We're ready for him. MAN ON INTERCOM I have Charles for you. JEN Hi, Charles. ZACK Hi, Charles. DANNY Hey, Charles. CHARLES Guys, I have great news. ZACK Yeah? DANNY Great, uh, let's hear it. CHARLES Rachel McAdams got a hold of your script. She wants the lead. She's amazing. She's funny, talented. We love her. So we just locked her down, and based on that, we're ready to move on to series. ZACK Uh, Charles, that-that's great. DANNY Amazing, yeah. We love her. CHARLES Congratulations, guys. I'm excited. DANNY So are we. CHARLES Good, we'll talk soon. ZACK Ow, it's. Yeah, right. DANNY Uh, all right, great. So let's, uh let's look at this stuff and figure it out. WOMAN 2 We're gathered here today because we know that there is an atrocity. SAM You know, I read that Mother Teresa used to take private jets and go to fancy dinners. FRANKIE Mom, that's not the same thing. She was a Catholic nun. There's nothing complex about Mother Teresa. She sucked. SAM I know, but Gandhi was so little. How could he beat up anybody? CARY All right, guys, let's start the mob. Just look to the lady in the pink T-shirt for the moves. Frankie, take the rest of these T-shirts, hand them out. FRANKIE Yeah, for yes, I can do it, yes. SAM She loves your class. CARY Well, Frankie is a rock star. SAM Yeah. Uh, listen, I got to ask a favor of you, buddy. Frankie's knowledge of the world is accelerating because of your class, good and bad, and that's great, but it's going really fast. SAM And I can't keep up. I work. I rarely get a download from her, and when I do, she's on a newer and bigger planet, like today- CARY Come with us to Stockton. SAM What? CARY Yeah, we're going on a class trip to Stockton. You would learn so much with Frankie, so then you'll be totally up to speed. FRANKIE Our song is next. SAM When is it? CARY It's the first week of March. She should totally come with us. FRANKIE Oh, Stockton? Mom's always got to work. She won't make it, Cary. CARY Well, that's good, Frankie. Your mom's an earner. FRANKIE I know. CARY: Shall we mob it up, madame? TRESSA Hi, Sam. SAM Tressa, hi. Listen. Is that pilot still happening? That pilot in March? TRESSA No, it went away. SAM Oh, good! Thanks, honey! Love you! TRESSA Love you. Have fun. SAM I'm gonna do it. GROUP Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!