CLERK CONSTANCE DUKE FRANKIE GARY GIRL JOHN JULIE MAKEUP_ARTIST MAN MAX RICHARD SAM WOMAN WOMAN_2 WOMAN_3 WOMAN_4


SAM
Hi. Do you want to buy her the earrings? 'Cause that's why she's crying, because of $6 earrings that-- she has them at home already. But she wants them for right now, so-- You should go into that store and buy them for her. 'Cause I'm not doing it. Or stop looking. 
DUKE
SAM
You want a hotdog on a stick? 
DUKE

SAM
Oh. 
RICHARD
Yeah. What happened? 
SAM
Hi, Richard. 
RICHARD
Hey. Hey. Uh-

SAM
Look, uh, Richard-
RICHARD
Um, uh, uh, uh--
SAM
Yeah, look, Richard, I- I-
RICHARD
Uh-oh.
SAM
Richard. I'll see you at school things.
RICHARD
Yeah. O-Okay
SAM

DUKE
Who was that?
SAM
Sophie's dad.
DUKE
Eww. Eww!
SAM
Yeah. That was a big mistake.
DUKE
What about Charlize's dad?
SAM
What about him?
DUKE
Mm.
SAM
Is he tall?
DUKE
To me.
WOMAN
Listen, Jack. I started this firm, and you are not getting rid of me.
WOMAN 2
Listen, Jack. Listen, Jack.
WOMAN 3
Listen, Jack. I started this firm.
CONSTANCE
You're not getting rid of me.
WOMAN 4
I don't care what you and that bimbo try to pull, I will eat your goddamn lunch on this deal.
CONSTANCE
Listen, Jack. Listen, Jac Ugh. Figures.
SAM

CONSTANCE
Of course. Of course you're here.
SAM
Of course you're here. Listen, Jack. I started this firm, and you're not-
CONSTANCE
You're not- You're not gonna do that. Don't do that.
SAM
It's good to practice.
CONSTANCE
It is.
SAM
Shh.
CONSTANCE
How are you? What's goin' on?
SAM
Well, I wish for one boring day.
MAX
I really hate you, Mom. You are so unfair.
SAM
Good. Fine. Go live with your father.
MAX
Yeah, I'm leaving right now.
SAM
Very crazy good. House full of young girls kicking my ass.
MAX
You are so unfair!
SAM
Get in the house. Go to bed.
MAX
I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
SAM
Chewie! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
CONSTANCE
I hear ya. I only have one, so I can't even imagine.
SAM
You have kids? You have a kid?
CONSTANCE
I do. I have one.
SAM
That's so weird to me.
CONSTANCE
What?
SAM
No, I didn't- You don't seem maternal.
CONSTANCE
Thanks. I appreciate that.
SAM

CONSTANCE
That's what- They all say that, too. Um, are you dating Luke?
SAM
What? No.
CONSTANCE
I don't know. Somebody said that.
SAM
No.
CONSTANCE
No?
SAM
Eww. No, I'm dating my daughters. They're my love life. The whole day.
CONSTANCE
Oh. Okay. All right. Focus. Focus.
SAM
Listen, Jack. I started this firm, and you're not-
CONSTANCE
I mean, who writes this shit?
SAM
I don't know. I don't understand.
CONSTANCE
I mean, who is-
MAN
Oh, my God.
JULIE
I’m kidding you! I know.
MAN
It is so good to see you.
JULIE
Oh, it's so good to see you, too.
MAN
I'm glad you're back. I mean, this is gonna be great.
CONSTANCE
Are you kidding me?
SAM
Yeah.
CONSTANCE
Are you gonna go?
SAM
Yeah. It's Julie Bowen.
CONSTANCE
Yeah, you're right.
JULIE
Bye.
SAM
Wait! Don't go in there. The wizard will see us, and he'll try to rez us down.
SAM
Hello? Hi, Miss Jacobs. Yes. I'm sorry. Duke had her homework, but I forgot it in my van. I took her to the dentist today. Yeah. Yeah, I understand that. Yes. I know. Amanda, will you give me a break? I have three of them, and you know I work. No. No, he doesn't help. They haven't seen him in, like, a month. I didn't say that was your problem. I-Okay. All right. Amanda? And I'm so sorry. Thank you.
SAM
Whoo. Okay, Vernon. I am so sorry. One more time. Almost done. Adrenaline. Wait! Don't go in there. The wizard will see us, and he'll try to- Goddamnit.
SAM
That woman is pure shit on a stick. I cannot wait 'til my daughter leaves that school, so I can tell her what a cockfighting douche her fucking teacher was. Oh, Vernon.
SAM
Okay. One more for the wizard. Ooh.
SAM
Where is the freaking graph paper? I mean, this place is like a pre-apocalyptic nightmare.
MAX
Oh, calm down, mom.
SAM
Okay, graph paper, journal notebooks, dictionary.
MAX
That woman smelled like my dad's girlfriend.
SAM
Eww.
MAX
What?
SAM
What? Oh, headphones. That's great. And speakers, and calc Where's the freakin' graph paper?
MAX
I don't know, Mom. I'll get the binders and the rest of the stuff.
SAM
Does anyone actually work here?
SAM
Hello! Does anybody actually work here?
CLERK
Yes, I do! But I'm with customers right now.
SAM
Wait. But can you tell me at least where I can find the graph paper?
CLERK
Aisle eight.
SAM
This is aisle eight. Oh, here it is.
MAX
That was great, Mom. Just freak out in the store, why don't you.
SAM
I didn't freak out, just nobody works there.
MAX
I wish you smoked pot, Mom.
SAM
What?
MAX
It would be good for you. Stoners aren't losers, Mom. And it would mellow you out.
SAM
I'm perfectly mellow.
MAX
Can I ask you something? No. You now what? Never mind. You'll just freak out.
SAM
Okay, you don't have to, but now you know you're going to.
MAX
Could you get pot for me?
SAM
What?
MAX
Gabby Shuster's mom told her if she ever wanted to smoke pot, she'd get it for her. Like, don't you want me to have clean, organic pot? You should want me to have good nugs.
SAM
Good nugs? I don't even know what to say! That's amazing. I don't know how to get pot. I don't even know where to get-- Gabby Shuster's mom said that to you? Okay. That's great. I can't even get Gran pot for her arthritis. How about this? How about this? No. No, Max, I'm not gonna get you pot.
MAX
It's so easy, Mom.
SAM
Sorry. Oh. Oh.
MAX
You get a prescription, you just have to be 18.
SAM
Max, honey, can we just go back to the regular hard things, like school supplies?
MAX
You should be happy I'm honest with you. I could just get it and not tell you.
SAM
Oh, yeah, well, that might be a little better.
MAX
Seriously?
SAM
Yeah. These things are normal, but you should be ashamed of them. Little bit.

MAX
Why, you're- You're my mom, I want you to know if I have sex or if I want to get high.
SAM
Ah! No, hide things from me. Please.
MAX
Why? Wait, why'd she say that?
SAM
Come here. Yeah. You're a good dog. I'm a bad dog, mom.
MAX
Mom.
SAM
What?
MAX
What?
SAM
What?
MAX
Mom, I didn't say anything.
SAM
Neither did I.
MAX
Then why are you mad at me?
SAM
Baby, just I love you. What?
SAM
You want me to make you a burrito?
DUKE
Yeah.
SAM
This is a bur-rito, burrito, my little burrito.
DUKE

SAM
Did you brush your teeth?
DUKE
Yes.
SAM
Let me smell.
DUKE

SAM
Why do you say you brush when you didn't brush?
DUKE
I don't know. I'm so tired.
SAM
But isn't it easier to just go brush? Do you want to be a kid with orange teeth?
DUKE
I don't know. I'm so tired.
SAM
You promise to brush in the morning?
DUKE
Yes, Mama.
SAM
Okay. Good girl.
DUKE
Mama, come.
SAM
Oh, no, baby. I can't lay down. It's late. I have too much to do.
DUKE
Come on, Mama, please?
SAM
Okay. Just for a minute. All right.
DUKE
No, Mama, under.
SAM
No, no, I can't get under.

DUKE
Please?
SAM
No. And don't touch me. I swear to God, if your little baby hands touch me, I'll fall asleep and then I'll be in a lot of trouble. I'll play you a song.
DUKE
Okay.
SAM
Okay.
GIRL
No. It's- 
MAX
Hi, Mom. You were asleep, so I just had- Had them come over.
GIRL
Oh, my God, Sam, I cannot believe this is you. You were, like, Duke's age. Ugh, I love this show.
SAM
Yep, that's me. Life sucks.
GIRL

MAX
Mom. Can you get us some food, please?
SAM
Okay, fine.
DUKE
Mama.
SAM
Hi, baby. You're up. Why are you up?
DUKE
You left.
SAM
Yes, I did, baby, but I stayed in there with you for a long time. Long time. It's been a really long day.
MAN
Sammy. Wake up. Hey, wake up, baby. Hey! Hi. Hey, cookie. Sammy, cookie, you want to hear a story? I got a good one for you. Let me tell you-
WOMAN
Don't get in there and wind her up, I just got her down.
MAN
Shut up! Listen, Sammy, your dad had a great day. I had a great day. Okay, I got irons in the fire, kid. This guy called me, he thinks he wants to do one of my stories. You remember the one about the junk man? He could see things other people couldn't. Could turn garbage into gold. He thinks it could go to television. I'm talkin' TV, the big game. You, me, the big game. Everything could change. Even for her. Don't tell her I woke you up. All right, go back to bed. Goodnight.
SAM
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
FRANKIE
Mom?
SAM
No, don't come in here.
FRANKIE
Mom!
SAM
Don't come in here. Don't come in here. Don't come in here.
FRANKIE
Jesus, Mom, you're so bi-polar.
SAM
I said get out.
FRANKIE
Did you know that in Africa, girls get their clitoris cut off when they're, like, 13, on their birthday? What if I did that as, like, a protest? That would be so, like, real.
SAM
Get out. Get out of my room. Get out. Get out of my room.
FRANKIE
No.
SAM
Get out. Get out of my room.
FRANKIE
No.
SAM
Frankie! You didn't even knock. And no, you're not getting your clit cut off!
MAKEUP ARTIST
Oh, sweetie. Okay. What are you looking for? What do you want to look at?
SAM
Like I-I want to see something real. You know, I-
MAKEUP ARTIST
Uh-huh.
SAM
Real. Like, I want it to at least feel real. Can they just, li make it feel real?
MAKEUP ARTIST
What are your search words?
SAM
I don't- What? I don't know what that is.
MAKEUP ARTIST
Everything you want is out there. You just need to know how to narrow it down to search words. Close your eyes and picture anything, and there is porn of that on the internet. If you want to see a fat man farting into a girl's mouth, type in fat fart mouth.
SAM
Oh.
MAKEUP ARTIST
Try it. Think about what you really want, and boil it down to three words.
SAM
Mm.
MAKEUP ARTIST
What do you got?
SAM
Penis maybe close up. Don't-
SAM
You probably knew I was gonna say that.
GARY
I don't give a shit. I just want to be with you.
SAM
No, Stan, we're not a couple anymore. We're business partners.
GARY
Oh, screw the business. See, I'd burn the whole business to the ground if I could just get one sniff of your panties. Come on, baby.
SAM
Oh. Oh.
GARY
I want to taste you.
GARY
I love you.
SAM
Uh hold on. Hang on.
GARY
Huh?
SAM
Can I just- John. One Can I have one second?
WOMAN
Cut.
MAN
Cutting.
GARY
You okay? You all right?
SAM
Yeah. I'm okay. Thank you.
SAM
Sorry, Gary. I love you.
GARY
That's okay, Sammy, take your time. I love you, baby.
JOHN
Hey. You okay?
SAM
Hi. Yes. I just- Come here. I want to- John. Okay, you know I'm a gamer. I come here, I throw down.
JOHN
That That's why I love you.
SAM
Okay, so you know I have three kids. Girls.
JOHN
Yeah.
SAM
Daughters.
JOHN
That Hey, I love those guys. I know, I Why- When are they gonna ever come visit the set?
SAM
Huh?
JOHN
It'd be fun.
SAM
Okay, you remember Max, my oldest? Okay, she's in high school now, and in the interest of her carpool that I drive every morning-
JOHN:
What's the problem?
SAM
Okay, there's this one moment in this scene, a little detail, that I just want to dial down
JOHN
All right. Oh.
SAM
A tiny bit. I'm not sure that I want to live with it.
JOHN
Sure. Just, uh- What's the problem here? Just tell me Tell me what part.
SAM
It's the part where my legs are up in the air, and that one is eating my pussy, and his son walks in and sees us.
JOHN
Oh. You mean the funny part.
SAM
Yeah.
JOHN
Thanks. Sammy. You're the best.
SAM
I