ACTOR_IN_VIDEO ACTOR_ON_VIDEO ACTRESS_IN_VIDEO ACTRESS_ON_VIDEO ALLY AVA BOTH BOTH_ACTORS CARL CHILD_ON_TV CPR_WOMAN DARREN DRIVER JIM LEAH LEAN LUKE MICHAEL NURSE_ON_TV PASSERBY PASSERSBY PAUL POLICEWOMAN WAITER WOMEN ALLY He's been off his food for days. PAUL Hmm. This cage stinks, is that shit or death? ALLY PAUL Poke him. ALLY You poke him. PAUL Oh. Cool. ALLY Ugh. PAUL Okay. ALLY Ugh. We could try CPR, apparently you do it to "Staying Alive," it's like... ? Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive ? PAUL With a tiny gerbil-sized heart? Don't think so. It's got to be something quicker, like the Benny Hill theme. No, he's gone. I'm calling it, Sprout's dead. ALLY Oh, shit. How are you going to tell the kids? PAUL Me? ALLY Yeah. Oh. I told you to take a key. MICHAEL Okay. Kids deposited at the indoctrination center, breakfast bought, I'm making myself indispensable, aren't I? ALLY No. MICHAEL Okay. MICHAEL Artisan sourdough, only they have no idea how to make real sourdough. Terrible coffee they think is great coffee, and what they call Danish pastries, which have zero to do with actual Danish pastries. ALLY Yummy. MICHAEL All this for only 15,000 pounds. PAUL Uh, Ally, I'm gonna stick Sprout in the freezer till we decide what to do with him. ALLY The gerbil's dead, Michael. MICHAEL That would also be my diagnosis. You should replace him before Luke and Ava get home. ALLY No way. They need to learn about life and death and saying goodbye. MICHAEL It's what we did with Frank, Ally's fish. There must've been at least five Franks. He was a different size every time. PAUL Any luck with finding a place to live, Michael? MICHAEL Oh, yeah. Loads of leads. Just a ton of possibilities, bubbling away, really. ALLY He's never gonna leave, is he? PAUL Christ, no. CHILD ON TV Can I go home now? NURSE ON TV The doctors and nurses need to check a few things first, but you're so... PAUL Hey, you two. Hey, kids. LUKE Don't turn the telly off, Paul. PAUL Paul? ALLY Daddy's got something to tell you. PAUL Right, uh, sometimes when you get very old or very ill, your body just sort of shuts down. You know, like a. ALLY A computer. PAUL Hmm. ALLY Uh, no, more final. Uh, like a coal mine. PAUL Thank you. Sprout died, I'm afraid. He's dead. LUKE PAUL Oh. ALLY No, it's okay. Sprout's gone, but he's part of the universe now. LUKE But Mrs. Fisher says the universe is huge. How will we find him? PAUL Oh, look, mate. If the old gerbils don't die, then the new ones can't come through, can they? ALLY Hmm. PAUL It's like the circle of life. You've seen The Lion King. LUKE But Sprout was only two. PAUL I know, but that's like Grandpa's age, isn't it, in gerbil years. ALLY Yeah. MICHAEL Kids, Sprout's not really dead. PAUL That's not helpful. ALLY He sort of is dead. MICHAEL Luke, can you see Sprout in your mind? LUKE I think I can. MICHAEL Yeah. Ava, can you hear him drinking from his little water bottle? AVA Yes. PAUL Hmm. MICHAEL Do you love Sprout? Will you remember him forever? LUKE Yeah. MICHAEL Then he's not dead. He just lives inside you now. That's all. LUKE Is that true, Paul? PAUL Uh, yeah, in a... in a way. This is because you call your dad Michael, you know, all this Paul bollocks. MICHAEL I just have to run out for about a half an hour. ALLY Take a key. MICHAEL Yeah. ALLY Are you okay? LUKE Hmm. PAUL Well, that's not really teaching them about death, is it? Telling them the gerbil's not really dead. ALLY They seem fine. I guess that's what religion is, right? Heaven and that shit. PAUL I'm so glad Sprout's dead. ALLY Oh, fuck me, yeah. The smell, having to have him looked after when we went away. PAUL Mm-hmm. ALLY And gerbils don't give affection. They're just little eating and shitting tubes. We mustn't get another one. PAUL Hell no. MICHAEL Hey, Sprout 2.0, you're gonna be a surprise for a couple of really nice kids- WOMEN Oh, my God! / Oh, shit. DRIVER I didn't see him, right. PASSERBY He's moving. DRIVER He stepped out, I didn't see him. PASSERBY Get your phone out, get your phone out, quickly! PASSERSBY CPR WOMAN Um, can you, can you head me? Can you hear me? "Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, staying alive, staying alive. Ha, ha, ha, ha, staying alive, staying alive." ALLY Telly off. Dinner's on the table. LUKE Okay, coming. ALLY I told you to take a key, you mad old wanker. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. POLICEWOMAN Does a Mr. Michael Grant live here? ALLY What has he done? POLICEWOMAN It's all right if I come in. ALLY Yeah. He doesn't, like, actually, like, really live here. He's just staying here temporarily. POLICEWOMAN Is Mr. Grant a relative, a friend? ALLY He's my, uh, father, my dad, but I don't, I don't call him dad. I call him Michael. He's dead, isn't he? POLICEWOMAN I'm sorry, yes. Mr. Grant was involved in a collision. ALLY I'm so sorry. Are you are you absolutely sure that he's dead, because he was alive like an hour ago? POLICEWOMAN Efforts were made to revive him, but unfortunately he was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. ALLY Where was he? POLICEWOMAN On Church Street. We believe he'd just made a purchase from the Alpha Pet Store. Uh, a gerbil. ALLY Ha! Is it safe? POLICEWOMAN We don't have it. Is there someone I can call? A friend maybe? ALLY Do you have people out-out looking for him, for the, for the gerbil? Because they can't survive in the wild like foxes and stuff. POLICEWOMAN Perhaps you have a partner I can contact? ALLY No, I- Oh, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. My boyfriend, uh, is gonna be back soon. He's just gone out to get some booze, because we've had a bit of a day of deaths actually. POLICEWOMAN Oh, I'm very sorry. ALLY No. Um, do you want some pasta? I've made some pasta, it's vegan, but- Oh, shit, no, I put che- I put cheese in it. PAUL Hey, remember what we talked about before, when Sprout passed on? And eventually you were very brave. Well, this afternoon Grandad Michael- you know, Mummy's daddy- he left us. He died. He's dead. Which is obviously very sad. You got any question? LUKE No, Paul, I haven't. PAUL Do you understand what I'm saying? LUKE Yes, Paul. PAUL But you're not sad? LUKE No, because Michael said when people die, they live inside of you. PAUL Mm-hmm. LUKE So he's not really dead. PAUL He is, though. What about if I died? LUKE I think you would live inside us, too. PAUL Well, that's probably quite a nice way of looking at it, actually. Hmm. LUKE Can me and Ava from dying? PAUL Oh, mate. I would do everything humanly possible to keep you and Ava safe. You know I would, but truth is, eventually, everyone... LUKE PAUL Hey, hey, hey. There's no need to be sad. Listen, listen, mate. That's not going to happen for a long, long, long time. Hey, haven't you... you must have known that. Luke? Oh, Christ. I'm sorry. I didn't... Oh, right. Excuse me, darling. Hey. ALLY Um, I'm just gonna call Mum. Is everything okay? PAUL Yeah, no, Luke's just upset about your dad. ALLY Aw. PAUL It seems he was really important to both of them. ALLY Mm-hmm. PAUL But, uh, I've got this, don't worry. You go and call Leah. ALLY Oh, thank you, darling. PAUL All right. BOTH Mm. Mm. Mm. PAUL All right. LEAH Ooh, well, don't you two look fancy. LUKE We found them in Grandpa Michael's suitcase. I found a scarf and Ava found a bracelet. AVA Look. LEAN Take that off! AVA No. ALLY Just let her wear it, Mum. LEAH She can't, it's a cock ring. ALLY Oh, my God! Come here. AVA No! I want to keep it! LUKE LEAH I gave it to your father. I can't believe he kept it all these years. It's quite touching, actually. ALLY Ava's wearing Dad's cock ring as a bracelet. PAUL Well, there's a thing. ALLY Hmm. LEAH I wasn't expecting to feel this emotional about the big shit's death. ALLY Paul's going to identify his body. PAUL Mm-hmm. LEAH Well, I think I should, as his widow. ALLY Widow? LEAH We never divorced, so technically I am still Mrs. Big Shit. ALLY Actually, sorry. Can you stop calling him that please? LEAH No. He was a big shit in life, and he's a big shit in death. PAUL Well, I think Michael should be identified by someone who doesn't think he was a big shit. LEAH Good luck finding that person. PAUL Actually, Leah, that person is me, even though he may have had shitty qualities, he wasn't as much of a twat as admittedly he first appeared to be. And the kids liked him, so, Leah, I'd like you to stop referring to Ally's father as a big shit. LEAH Fine. Sorry, Paul. PAUL Well, it's not me you need to apologize to. LEAH Sorry, Michael. PAUL No. No. Your daughter. Apologize to Ally. LEAH Sorry, Ally. PAUL Okay. I'll see you soon. ALLY Hey, thank you for saying that to Mum. PAUL It's all right. ALLY Mm. Hurry back because I'm strangely very, very horny. PAUL ALLY Mm. PAUL Blimey. CARL Ah, glad to catch you, Paul. I'm objecting to the sheltered housing scheme, and I wondered if you'd like to object separately. PAUL Can't talk now, Carl. I'm sorry. I'm just off to identify my father-in-law's dead body. CARL Oh, God, no! I'm so sorry, I-I. PAUL Oh, look at that. CARL Grief can be a strange beast. PAUL Yes. I'm gonna. PAUL Come on, you can't do this to me. I don't even know what your dad looks like. ALLY Look, I'm really sorry, I can't leave. I'm-I'm trying to make a good impression on Darren. PAUL Hang on, I'm supposed to be making a good impression on your dad. ALLY Look, it was your idea to meet him. It'll be fine. You'll probably get on like a house on fire. PAUL Okay, fine. Fine. You'll hear about it later, I guess. Love you. ALLY Yeah, love you, bye. PAUL Fuck's sake. PAUL Uh. Looks like she's not gonna make it, so do you want to put a pin in this until we can actually get together with Ally? MICHAEL Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's been very pleasant almost meeting you. PAUL You, too, Michael. MICHAEL Yeah. Oh, uh. PAUL I've got this, it's fine. MICHAEL Yeah, I think I'll head to somewhere a little more Turkish. PAUL Ah. MICHAEL You're welcome to join me, Liam. PAUL It's Paul, and you're good, thanks. MICHAEL Oh, sorry! Christ. You know, Liam was this dull-witted knuckle-dick. I hated him. PAUL You know what? I-I've got time for a quick one. MICHAEL Do you? Good. PAUL Yeah. PAUL Oh. Hmm. I just want you to know that I'll look after Ally. Probably better than you ever did. Sorry, that was below the belt in the circumstances. Anyway, just, uh. Yeah. Well, thank you for having such an amazing daughter. You have a rest, mate. Mm-mm. PAUL Hello. ALLY Hi. Was it awful? PAUL The policewoman said it takes strength, but. ALLY Oh. Mm. It happened again. I laughed when I told my cousins about Michael being. PAUL Dead. ALLY Ha! Oh, my God. PAUL ALLY Am I going mad? PAUL No, it's-it's a bereavement thing. It's paradoxical laughter. ALLY Thank you for being so brave and so strong. It's so sexy. Come here. BOTH Mm. ALLY We we can have that Bolognese tomorrow. PAUL No, no, I'll make another one. ALLY No, we're out of garlic. PAUL I'll use the granules. I prefer them, anyway. ALLY Okay. BOTH ACTRESS IN VIDEO No, this is wrong. ACTOR IN VIDEO No, this isn't wrong. This is all kinds of right. Come with me tonight on the train to Ipswich. ACTRESS IN VIDEO Yes! BOTH ACTORS Mm. DARREN Oh, she's here. Thank God. I am so, so sorry. ALLY Oh, no, it's fine. No, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. DARREN You didn't have to come in. Really? You stay away as long as you need to. I mean it's chaos without you. ALLY Sorry. DARREN I'm joking. We can cope. Sort of. You go home, take all the time you need, but before you do, could you see if you can mix the strings high enough to make the moan less powerfully erotic? ALLY Sure. ACTRESS IN VIDEO Yes! DARREN You're bloody incredible. ALLY I haven't even done anything yet. ACTOR IN VIDEO Ipswich. DARREN I'm talking about your dad passing. ALLY Oh. DARREN Stupid word. Dying. When Ma died, I was a soggy mess. I went to a grief specialist. I could give you her number? She's this fantastic full-bodied older lady. She held me in her fleshy arms and rocked me like a baby for 45 incredible minutes. ACTOR IN VIDEO Wrong. ALLY Yeah, I'm not sure that's quite my thing. ACTOR ON VIDEO Ipswich. DARREN Oh, no, no. It wasn't sexual. ALLY No, brilliant. DARREN Don't contain the grief. Let it bleed through your pores. ALLY Darren, I'm just trying... DARREN Purge yourself of it. Flush it through. ALLY Darren! Darren, I'm fine. It's all fine. I barely knew Michael. I mean, you know, I'm sad he's dead, but there are more important things to me. Kids, Paul, my job. DARREN I hear you, yeah. In Dolby 5.1. ALLY I'm not sure you do, but thanks. DARREN I admire and respect your strength and positive agency so, so much. ALLY Cool. ACTOR ON VIDEO Come with me tonight on the train to Ipswich. ACTRESS ON VIDEO Yes! ACTOR IN VIDEO Mm. Mm. ALLY Literally everything you're going is turning me on. We've never had sex like that before, not even in our sex heyday. Last night, it was, it was dirty. PAUL Was it okay to- I mean, is it even all right to do what we did? It seemed a bit modern. ALLY Mm. It was great sex, Paul. It was better than cocaine sex. PAUL But we've never had cocaine sex. ALLY No, but. PAUL Have you had cocaine sex? ALLY Just a little bit. But that was the best. PAUL Right. ALLY Hey, talk admin to me, tell me how organized you are. Go on. Do it. It'll work. PAUL Okay, uh, I had to play hardball with Michael's solicitor. ALLY Hmm? PAUL Because his will states. ALLY Mm-hmm. PAUL that his corpse should- ALLY Mm-mm. PAUL Not corpse, not corpse, his body. ALLY Hmm. Mm-hmm. PAUL should go- sorry- to medical science and there's to be no funeral. ALLY Mm-hmm. PAUL So this, fucking hell. ALLY You can do it. PAUL Uh, to be no, um poems. ALLY Okay. PAUL No songs, no people dressed in black. I'm going to kiss you now. ALLY Oh. Mm-hmm. BOTH PAUL Uh, are-are you sure I'm not taking advantage of your grief? ALLY No, I'm not grieving, get busy. PAUL Uh-huh. ALLY Paul. Oh, Paul. LUKE Paul! Paul? PAUL Oh, Christ. I wish he'd still called me Dad. ALLY JIM What's grief sex when it's at home? I've never heard of it. PAUL Yeah, but you've never heard of soya milk. JIM If grief sex was a thing, every funeral would be a gang-bang. And I've been to a lot of funerals lately, and let me tell you, that's simply not the case. Is Ally okay with all this? PAUL Oh, yeah, she started it. And it's the best sex we've had for years. But it feels wrong somehow, exploitative, of both of us. JIM Bereavement’s a mad fucking ride, Paul. Oh, it's tough to stay sane. Promise me you won't have grief sex when I die. PAUL Why not? I mean, I won't, but why not? JIM I don't want you two going at it like shipwrecked sailors while I'm barely cold in the ground. In fact, can you abstain out of respect for, say, a month. My dying wish. PAUL Sh-Shouldn't your dying wish be me looking after Mum or something? JIM No, she'll go first. High cholesterol. MICHAEL I know you. PAUL You don't know me. MICHAEL I know you're not like me. If I had been in your situation tonight, I would have run away immediately. Like, "Nah, I don't need this meet the patriarch shit." PAUL Hmm. Oh. MICHAEL Oh, the poison fairy has come. Thank you. PAUL Thank you. Cheers. MICHAEL It's only gonna go to waste. PAUL Fucking hell. MICHAEL Notes of corduroy. Very nice. Ooh. Um, you want to dine and dash? PAUL You'd do a runner? MICHAEL Yeah. PAUL I'm not doing a fucking runner! MICHAEL Oh, oh, you're one of those. Oh. PAUL Oh, Jesus, really? MICHAEL Come on, I know you got a spine in there. Just bring it on out. PAUL MICHAEL There's a whole world out there waiting for you, plunge through it, come on. PAUL Listen, if you're daring me to do it, then I'll do it. MICHAEL All right, dare you to do it. PAUL You want me to do a runner? Done. Fucking done. Right. Okay. On my thing. MICHAEL On your thing. PAUL Fucking hell. MICHAEL Okay. PAUL Ready? Okay, one, two Fuck! WAITER Don't you run! What?! Hey! PAUL Shit! BOTH MICHAEL PAUL Fucking. Oh. Oh, man. That was incredible. It was exciting. MICHAEL Yeah. PAUL I feel alive! That was- This is the real me. Always on my toes, nimble. MICHAEL No, it isn't. PAUL Hmm. MICHAEL The real you is the exact opposite of that. PAUL No, it's not. MICHAEL Tell me you're not gonna go back to that place tomorrow and pay them. PAUL Oh, yeah. I'm gonna do that. MICHAEL Yeah. PAUL Oh. Oh shit. MICHAEL Treat her well. Don't be another me. PAUL Hey, you all right? MICHAEL Give her a kiss from me, and apologize for my breath. PAUL PAUL Mm. ALLY Oh, it's so lovely and peaceful. PAUL It's too peaceful. Luke hasn't done his smoke alarm and perimeter checks yet. ALLY Mm. LUKE PAUL Oh, um. ALLY Sweetheart. PAUL Hey. LUKE I miss Sprout. I used to tell him all my secrets. ALLY Baby. I'm so sorry. Was he a very good listener? LUKE He was. I-I can't really feel him inside of me. I lied. ALLY He's always there, even if you can't feel him. PAUL No, I think we need to bury Sprout so we can all have a proper goodbye. ALLY Yeah. PAUL All right, mate. Sprout's been in the freezer long enough. LUKE Sprout's in the freezer? PAUL Shh, there, there. Fuck. PAUL Does anyone want to say a few words? LUKE Sprout was my friend. My best friend. He liked eating, he, um uh I don't know what to say. ALLY Sprout had a, uh, a zest for life. He was an adventurous little soul. We didn't see him much, but it was always reassuring to know that he was somewhere there under the hay. Not that he ever really was there, though. I mean, he let me down all the time. Where was he when I graduated? When I gave birth to Luke, he was up a fucking coconut tree in Oman. Oh, God, he could be selfish and erratic and mad and lazy. But he was him, he was just, he was Sprout. The egotistical and magical, infuriating, charismatic, sweet, lovely... gerbil. And we're gonna miss him. PAUL Come on. ALLY Sorry. PAUL Hey, all right. It's all right, darling. All right. LUKE Can we go home now? PAUL Sense the tone.