ALLY AVA BABA_AVA BABY_AVA BOTHCAB_DRIVER DARREN ESTATE_AGENT JACKIE JIM KID KIDS LEAH LUKE MAN MICHAEL PATRONS PAUL PAUL Fuck's sake. How can we be late again? Unbelievable. We should win some sort of award. ALLY We'd miss the ceremony. Um, hurry up... PAUL Luke, telly off. Come on. Coat on. LUKE I don't want to go school. PAUL "To' school. Yes, you do. And even if you don't, tough tits. LUKE Tariq said there's no Father Christmas. ALLY Shh... Michael's still asleep. PAUL All right, Ally. He's not a baby. He can wake up. LUKE Tariq said you two buy the presents, hide them, and then put them under the tree when I'm asleep. PAUL Well, maybe Tariq knows something... ALLY Tariq is a tiny idiot. Of course there's a Father Christmas. LUKE Is that true, Daddy? PAUL Huh? ALLY Okay, look, just go, go and brush your teeth, now. All of them. PAUL He hasn't brushed? I've just put his coat on. Did you not— ALLY Shh... Go. Up, up, up, up, up. Come on. He's only seven. Don't shit on his dreams just yet. Wait till he's eight. PAUL I'm just not comfortable lying. ALLY Since when? PAUL Since forever. How can you not know that about me? ALLY What, so are you saying that you've never lied before? PAUL Not about anything important. To anyone important. PAUL/ALLY ALLY Hello? My name is Paul. PAUL Hi, it's Paul. I'm sorry, I won't be able to come in today—come on, wait-- because... 'cause there's been a, there's been a death in the family. Yeah. It's my girlfriend's dad. ALLY PAUL Called Mic-- Yeah, Michael. It is a shock. We were very close. I'm so sorry. Hey. Thank you, bye. I will fuck you up. ALLY No, you won't. Please don't. PAUL ALLY Open wide. Ooh, lovely Mwah. Love you, chooch. Love you, poop. Love you, berk. AVA Bye! LUKE Bye, Mom! PAUL Bye, bye. ALLY Bye. Don't slam the-- MICHAEL I don't know why you're all whispering, I'm not asleep. Why don't I make us pancakes? ALLY Because I've got a job. And in this country, we only eat pancakes once a year. It's something to do with using up eggs and the crucifixion. Bye. MICHAEL Weird. DARREN Off to meet the European money guys. Tie or no tie? I mean, does it make me look a bit jowly? Or does it add a bit of formal heft? ALLY What? DARREN I wish you'd come to this meeting, Ally. These guys love you. Hmm? Everyone wants a piece of Ally, me included. Your talents. ALLY So, it's all looking good? DARREN Well, fingers crossed those shares of yours will be worth gazillions soon. Today Europe, tomorrow more of Europe, and... and who knows about the day after tomorrow. ALLY Isn't that a film about the apocalypse? DARREN Right, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Bleak. ALLY Oh, God. Imagine that though, a studio in Paris or Rome. DARREN More likely to be Berlin, but yes. ALLY Oh, Berlin's exciting. I'm not sure why. It's very hip, isn't it? Lots of clubs and stuff. DARREN It's the city of the future. Blade Runner. Bowie. I love Bowie. ? Little drummer boy. ? And the edgier stuff. ALLY I couldn't live out there, Darren. You know that. So don't ask. DARREN I'm not going to ask that. Yet. MAN Could you get that? KID Yeah. PAUL Good day? LUKE Don't know. PAUL No, it's a tricky question, that, isn't it? Any trouble with Tariq? LUKE Don't know. PAUL I had a great day, thanks for asking. Saw a dog riding a motorbike. LUKE Did you? PAUL No. Would be good if I did, though, wouldn't it? Make life worth living. LUKE Grandad Michael saw a dancing bear once. PAUL Of course he did. LUKE Is Grandad Michael staying forever? PAUL Not a chance. LUKE I like having him in the house. PAUL Yeah. Me, too. Love hearing him knocking around downstairs 24 hours a day, playing The Lovin' Spoonful and clearing his throat. Hey, there he is. LUKE Hey, Grandad Michael! MICHAEL Hey, buddy. PAUL Hey. MICHAEL Hey. PAUL You moving on? You found somewhere? MICHAEL Well, uh... PAUL Penthouse or flophouse. Hang on, this is my stuff. MICHAEL Yeah. Sorry. This is off to the junkyard. Ally's on a de-cluttering rampage. But I assure you, Paul, I am this close to finding my own place. PAUL You didn't do a gesture to show how... close. M-Mic-- Michael? PAUL Excuse me, Ally. I bought this for my aunty Jan on our first foreign holiday. She died before I could give it to her. ALLY Oh, she probably won't miss it, then. PAUL Do I get to decide what I can keep? ALLY Yeah. If you apply my simple criteria. PAUL Which are? ALLY If you don't like it or use it, then bin it. PAUL That... that is most of what I own. Luke's BabyGro? This is the first thing that touched his newborn skin. ALLY One of the first things. It was from a 12-pack from Mothercare. Just let it go. It's just stuff. I can't bear stuff. Ideally, I'd only have what fits in a small suitcase. PAUL Why? Where are you going? Stuff's nice. It's memories and context. ALLY We've got no room. We're surrounded by crap, like we're on a documentary about hoarders who keep their turds in Tupperware. MICHAEL You're not getting rid of Dr. Flump? ALLY No. I'm getting buried with Dr. Flump. And a phone, just in case. MICHAEL PAUL Whoa. Why are you wearing my pajamas? ALLY The same reason I run the taps every time I do a shit now-- 'cause there's a man I don't know that well living in my house. PAUL Ah. I like it. ALLY Mm. Nope. Sorry. I can't, I can't. Not while Michael's downstairs. PAUL But... how about you leave the bathroom with the taps on? ALLY Mm-mm. PAUL Are we okay? ALLY Yeah. PAUL Huh? ALLY Aren't we? PAUL Yeah, I think so. ALLY Yeah. It's-it's only 'cause Michael's here. He's out on Saturday night, if you want to pencil one in. PAUL Great. Is he actually looking for a place? ALLY Mm-hmm. MICHAEL Ooh... ALLY "Three young professional girls looking for a housemate." MICHAEL I'm not thinking of it at all sexually. It would just be fun. Nights in, drinking prosecco. ALLY I think that one is more you. MICHAEL "Live-in carer for housebound widower." You know, I'd probably still drink prosecco. More for me if the guy's on medication, right? ALLY Look, I don't want to put a downer on your prosecco lifestyle, but how the fuck are you gonna pay the rent? MICHAEL I'm doing some Reiki massage at the health center. ALLY Right. Are you qualified? MICHAEL I have a certificate. ALLY From where? MICHAEL The... Reiki... Institute. Or Reiki Me dot com. One of those. Oh, Reiki Barn. Yeah, whatever. It's, uh, it's trimmed in gold. It's got a little... wax seal. ALLY Wow. Well, then you're... you're clearly a doctor. MICHAEL Yeah. More or less. Ooh, houseboat to share. "No questions asked." ALLY MICHAEL Kind of vague, isn't it? PAUL Hey. ALLY Hmm? PAUL You know how you like to throw everything up in the air and sort of fuck it off? ALLY Since when? PAUL Always. Your music training. Your last relationship. ALLY If things aren't right, I move on. PAUL Are you saying things aren't right and you want to move on? ALLY Oh, my God. I want to move on with you and the kids, you idiot, to a bigger house. PAUL Bigger? Really? ALLY Mm-hmm. We need separate rooms for Luke and Ava. Less lethal stairs so the social services don't come to knacker us again. A garden with a shed at the bottom of it to put Michael in so I can shit in peace. PAUL Well, he's not gonna be here forever. ALLY Mm-hmm. PAUL I think we should downsize, don't you think? ALLY Really? What? No. I will go through the mortgage stuff tomorrow and do some sums. Do you know where it is? PAUL No. In a pile somewhere. I don't want to move. ALLY Great. Well, that's that, then. MICHAEL Okay, so what are we looking for? LUKE Christmas presents. MICHAEL You do realize it isn't Christmas? LUKE Tariq says sometimes you can still find them. AVA I don't want to. MICHAEL It's best just to go with the flow, Ava. AVA What's the flow? MICHAEL It's what everybody else wants to do. And then when they're not looking, you just do your own thing. AVA LUKE Grandpa Michael, I found a present! MICHAEL Okay. LUKE What is it? MICHAEL Oh, that's your... that's your mom's wedding album. MICHAEL Look. Hold on, oh, look how gorgeous I am. That was a great suit. Ozwald Boateng. I loved that suit. And there's younger, sexier grandma, and your mom and Liam. LUKE Where's daddy? MICHAEL Oh, this was a billion years before Paul. This was The Liam Epoch. He was a huge dumb-ass, but he meant well, and he had a lot of idiot energy. He smashed four 8K peaks before his 25th birthday. ALLY What? Bloody hell, Ava. AVA All my baby toys have come back. ALLY You need to clear up, or the messy police will come and put you in messy prison. AVA I want to go to messy prison. ALLY No. Messy prison is disgusting. The pillows are made of plug hair and breakfast is ear wax on toast. Oh, you clever little girl. I've been looking for these. LUKE Why is his hair wet? Was it raining? MICHAEL No, that's self-inflicted. He was addicted to hair gel. ALLY Hi. I'm not staying. Hang on, why is that out? That should be in the cupboard. MICHAEL Ah... LUKE Aw... MICHAEL I see your wedding album escaped The Big Cull. ALLY Yeah, well, they're the only photos of you and Mum not scowling like chimps. LUKE Why are you married to that man? ALLY He was just practice, for the real thing, which is Daddy. LUKE Do you love that man or Daddy? ALLY Daddy, of course. MICHAEL People fall out of love with other people. It just happens. LUKE Will you fall out of a love with me? ALLY Oh, no, no, no. It's not the same with children. LUKE Will you fall out of a love with Daddy? ALLY No. LUKE You never will? Promise? ALLY I promise I will never ever, ever fall out of love with Daddy. Okay? MICHAEL Though of course, as Greasy Liam can attest, there are no absolutes when it comes to love. LEAH Thank you for dinner. Lovely. ALLY You barely ate anything. LEAH I had the soup. How do you think I stay so trim? No solid food after 600 p.m. It's very hard to keep the weight off after babies. I ballooned with you. Almost burst me in two coming out. ALLY I'm so sorry. It wasn't deliberate. LEAH Any baby plans, you and lovely Liam? ALLY No. No, I mean, he means well, but I just don't love him. LEAH Right. Can it be papered over with sex or is it divorce time? ALLY Well, we tried fixing it, but it just keeps breaking down, so I think we need to send this one to landfill. MICHAEL Oh! Excuse me. I need to go look at a place. Uh, to live in, not just a random place. ALLY But I've got work. I thought you were babysitting? MICHAEL Oh, I thought that was just a soft pencil. Did we firm the pencil? ALLY Yes, we did. During the conversation that went, "If you let me stay, I will babysit whenever you want." MICHAEL Yeah, okay, okay. I can cancel. ALLY No. Just go. You need a place. I'll ask Jim and Jackie. MICHAEL Yeah. You can always count on those guys. ALLY Yes, you can. LUKE Bye, Grandpa Michael. MICHAEL Bye, Luke. ALLY MICHAEL Thanks for coming, wingman. PAUL Yeah. MICHAEL PAUL Never really understood what "wingman" meant. MICHAEL Is it a prison thing? No. PAUL Has Ally mentioned anything to you about selling up? You know, moving, mortgages. MICHAEL She doesn't really come to me me for life advice. Life is not my stronger suit. ESTATE AGENT Mark? MICHAEL Michael. ESTATE AGENT Okay, but I've got Mark written down here. Uh, are you Mark? PAUL No, I'm Paul, and he's Michael. ESTATE AGENT Well, I've got Mark written down. MICHAEL ESTATE AGENT Do you know what? Let's go in anyway. PAUL Jesus. MICHAEL This is good. Not, uh, too showy. PAUL Is this a halfway house? ESTATE AGENT It can be anything you want, Mark. Sort of a... a blank slate. So, this is £150 a week plus bills. MICHAEL Is there any room to maneuver? ESTATE AGENT Um... You could shove that bed an inch to the other wall. That might work. MICHAEL No. I-I... I mean on the money. Uh, my budget is, like, £100. ESTATE AGENT Yeah, that's... that's a bit unlikely within the M25. Look, maybe we could do a deal, or I could talk to the landlords. £125? Maybe? Do you like the place? MICHAEL I love it! ALLY Okay, Nana and Granddad are here. LUKE If Nana and Granddad are Daddy's Mum and Dad, who are Liam's Mum and Dad? ALLY Do you know what? It's best just not to mention Liam anymore. LUKE I have to tell a lie? ALLY No, just don't say it. LUKE What if they ask me? ALLY They won't, though, will they? "Hello, Luke, was your mummy married to someone else?" LUKE Then I say "no." ALLY No, no. I'm saying they won't mention it. It won't come up. JACKIE Cooee! ALLY Oh. Coming. Sorry. Hi. Thanks so much for helping out last minute. JIM That's what we do. We're the fourth emergency service. Police, Fire, Ambulance, Jim and Jackie. JACKIE What about the coast guard? JIM Fuck the coast guard. Showoffs. JACKIE You go, love. We'll see you later. ALLY Thanks. Bye. JIM Bye. LUKE Hi, Nana and Granddad. I've got a thing I can't say. JIM Ooh, what is it? Is it a swear word? Is it "tits?" JACKIE Jim! JIM Not "fanny," is it? 'Cause that used to be a woman's name. LUKE Mummy's married to another man. KIDS PAUL Hey. Who's there? What you got? What do you got? AVA Daddy! I had two ice creams! Two! PAUL Two ice creams? What a lucky girl! JACKIE She wanted two. PAUL Oh, well, you never got me two ice creams. JACKIE No. Well, you were horrible. Ava's lovely. I'm joking. You didn't like ice cream, it gave you headaches. PAUL Not true. JIM Ava, I'll give you 50p if you can count all the ants by that tree. PAUL Go do it. Do it. Get that 50p. AVA JACKIE Sit down. PAUL JACKIE Your father's got something to tell you. PAUL What? Jesus. Which one of you? JIM It's not cancer. It's Ally. There's something you should know. PAUL What? JIM Were you aware of this other guy? PAUL No. What other guy? JIM He looks like a polished bollock. JACKIE Luke found the wedding album. "Liam." PAUL Him? I don't care about that. JACKIE Really? PAUL No. JACKIE Is that why Ally won't marry you? Because of this "Liam?" PAUL Ally won't not marry me. JACKIE But she married this "Liam." PAUL Stop saying his name in inverted commas. JACKIE A white wedding, in a church. Flower girls and page boys. PAUL I'm not, I'm not bothered about marriage, Mum. JIM You proposed once, though, didn't you? Said to me, "This is the woman I'm gonna marry." JACKIE Or maybe she's still married? That's why she can't marry you. PAUL No. We don't want to get married, okay? It's just a piece of paper. Now, Ally and Liam had the paper, but me and Ally have the kids. And kids beat paper in kids, paper, scissors. JIM Although, scissors beat kids if they run with them. PAUL You know it's not a real game? PAUL All right, run in, you two. If you're in the bath in two minutes, you can watch funny dogs on YouTube. LUKE/AVA Yay! PAUL Yay! Ooh, a drop of that wine going? AVA Wait for me! Wait for me! ALLY When were you planning on telling me that you fucking remortgaged the fucking house? PAUL Right. ALLY Right? PAUL I did release some equity... on the property. ALLY You went behind my back. "I never lie. How do you not know that about me?" You're a fucking liar! PAUL I didn't want to bother you. You had just had Ava, you had a lot on your plate. You're allergic to admin. ALLY Bullshit! What is this really about? Are you fucking gaslighting me? PAUL I nev-- Uh... I didn't say anything because you never said anything, but when Ava was tiny... you weren't coping very well. You'd just gone freelance, and we didn't have any maternity cover. I wanted to hire a maternity nurse, right? But she cost a bomb, so I took some time off. ALLY What the fuck are you trying to say? PAUL That we needed the money because you had postnatal depression. ALLY How fuck-- Fuck you. I did not have postnatal depression. Name one thing, one thing that would make you think that. BABY AVA ALLY PAUL Hey. Ally? BABY AVA ALLY No, I'm done. Let me go. Let me go. PAUL Ally, Ally. No, no, wait. No, no. BABY AVA BABY AVA JACKIE Is Ava from Ava Gardner? JIM Was it Ava Braun or Eva Braun? BABA AVA ALLY See, you can't! How dare you! Fuck you! Seriously, fuck you! MICHAEL Okay. It feels weird that I heard all that. Do you want any pancakes? ALLY Ow. Fuck's sake. LEAH So, who's your new man? ALLY How do you know if I've got a new man or not? LEAH Because you have a glow. Almost invisible but there. ALLY JACKIE Who is he? ALLY Just a guy. Paul. He's a really, really good guy. Not flash or cool, but he's honest, solid, reliable. LEAH We're very different, you and I. PAUL I've fucked things, haven't I? MICHAEL Things have been thoroughly fucked by you, yes. Should I talk to Ally? PAUL About what? Her favorite Bond? Her hobbies? 'Cause you should probably covered some of the basics before you move on to the chat about postnatal depression. MICHAEL I accept that. I've missed a lot of Ally's life. She calls me Michael, not Dad. Like I'm just some guy. Some generalized Michael. PAUL Yeah. I know, that's tough. MICHAEL So this has been a golden time, being here with you guys. Playing Dad and Grandpa, and skulking around the den, and making use of your excellent facilities. PAUL Well, then you should probably stay. For a bit. Get a job so you can find a decent place to live. MICHAEL I would love that. PAUL Don't take the piss, though, Michael. Let's say, three weeks tops. MICHAEL Mm. PAUL I'm gonna call Ally. MICHAEL Good luck. Be firm but also utterly abject. PATRONS ALLY Hi. Thanks for meeting me. I need to get pissed, but I don't want to sit on my own like an alcy. DARREN Happy to be a plus-one. ALLY Oh, fuck's sake. DARREN Everything all right? ALLY I've been thinking about-about what you said. About us. DARREN Really? Oh, okay. Well, wow. Really? ALLY No, no. I mean, me, being a shareholder in the business, Berlin, all that. You wouldn't want me if I were some sort of mental liability, would you? DARREN No. ALLY No. Like, for instance, after I had Ava? DARREN Right? ALLY Yeah, because I came back to work when Ava was eight weeks old. And I couldn't... I couldn't have done that if I had postnatal depression, could I? DARREN No, no, of course not. ALLY No. ALLY Do you know, she's gonna be eight weeks tomorrow? Oh, my God, it's so lovely to be back at work. Can you shut the fuck up? Shut the fuck up! It's my breastfeeding app. It keeps going "bing, bing, bing, bing." I'm trying to... wean her off my boobs and on to formula. Do you think she's gonna be okay? DARREN Oh, yes. Yes. ALLY Because formula's like... basically dust, right? And who... who would feed their baby dust? Sorry. It's fine. Okay, okay? Fine. What are we doing? What-what's the job? DARREN Um... Um... CAB DRIVER Bye, love. ALLY Oh. MICHAEL Uh, what time do you call this? ALLY Have you got any drugs? 'Cause I need to smoke some drugs. MICHAEL What makes you think I smoke drugs? ALLY Mm... MICHAEL Yeah. Well, as it happens, I may have a small nugget of medicinal red Leb on my person. ALLY Cool. MICHAEL I'll just grab it. MICHAEL ALLY Oh, my God. Drugs are so disappointing. MICHAEL Now listen. Father hat on. About the mortgage, the house business... ALLY What do you know about it? MICHAEL I may have overheard. You didn't run the taps during that chat. Paul has a point. After Ava was born, you were a little preoccupied. ALLY But he's saying that I had postnatal depression. MICHAEL You did. ALLY Fuck off. MICHAEL No. I think it runs in the family. Your mom had it, too, with you. When you came out, you were this sweet troglodyte. They-they used to put all the babies in one big room at the hospital in those days. And Leah insisted they'd swapped her real baby for you. "This is not my baby! Is this even a baby?!" Crying, lashing out. ALLY This is strangely comforting. MICHAEL Of course now it's postnatal depression, but back then you had to just shut up and pretend to be happy, even if you'd birthed a monster! ALLY But Mum never told me. MICHAEL Mm. Well, she probably wanted to spare your feelings. BOTH ALLY God, she was so cute. PAUL Mm-hmm. ALLY All I saw back then was a fat Polish plumber with a very flat head. PAUL I tried to tell you that rhombus-shaped skulls run in our family. ALLY Okay, let's just say for arguments sake that I was... a little bit distracted. PAUL Mm-hmm. ALLY Why couldn't you talk to me about it? PAUL And say what? ALLY "Oy, Ally, you leaky nutjob, get a grip or I'll sell the house." PAUL Mm. ALLY Sorry. PAUL It's all right. Uh, Mum and Dad saw your wedding album. ALLY Ooh... PAUL I tried to explain that marriage isn't a big deal for us, but you know how they are. ALLY It's no big deal. PAUL Mm. Absolutely. But they were on about the whole fucking marrying thing. You know, us getting married. ALLY Yeah, but you told them that we weren't bothered? We've got kids. And w-- We're not bothered about being married, are we? PAUL Mm-mm. ALLY You know what? Actually, hang on. I'm just gonna take this one 'cause I look really, really fit. PAUL ALLY Love you. PAUL Love you. Liam. Greasy. Cunt. Married. To. My. Ally. MICHAEL I didn't see any of that.