ALLY AVA BABY_LUKE CARL DOCTOR_COOPER DRIVER DR_DIMITRESCU GUY_1 GUY_2 JACKIE JIM LEAH LUKE MAN MICHAEL MICHAELS_MATES MICHAEL_AND_MATES NURSE PAUL SOCIAL_WORKER_1 SOCIAL_WORKER_2 AVA I need a poo. ALLY I know, darling. You've said it 14 times already. It's literally all I can think about. LUKE Can we go in there? ALLY No. LUKE Why not? ALLY Because it's a shop selling designer luggage, and we have no money. We never go anywhere anyways, so Oi! LUKE Can I go inside? It looks amazing. ALLY No, it's not amazing. We need to get home. Come back here or I'll shoot you. LUKE That's murder. ALLY No, this right now, this is murder. Come on, we need to get home before Ava has an accident. AVA I'm gonna poo my pants like a big pig. LUKE Pigs don't wear pants. JACKIE Is this where your dad needs to go? PAUL No, Mum, Mum, come back here. Stop wandering off. We know where we're going. I know where we're going. It's just down here. JIM It's the foot department we want. Foot-checking department. Big old hospital, this. PAUL There's no "foot-checking department." You're just having your ankle looked at by the physio. JIM My mum- your gran. PAUL Yeah. JIM used to have a chiropodist visit. She was housebound, so this foot fella came to the house. PAUL Mm-hmm. JIM And the priest would be round, to say mass. PAUL Oh, man. JIM And the Corona lorry. PAUL Yeah. JIM Fizzy drinks. Laundry van for sheets. PAUL Fuck me. ALLY Hold it in, sweetheart. AVA Quick! Quick! I need to go! Hurry up! ALLY Right. Here we go. Upstairs, straight to the toilet. MICHAEL pissing on a jelly fish sting is a thing that... But pissing on a bee sting, that's a whole new territory. MICHAELS MATES MICHAEL Hey, sweetheart. Uh, don't worry. These awful bastards are on their way. Guys, Ally. Ally, these awful bastards. MICHAELS MATES How are you? / Hello. ALLY Hi. Ava, up you go for a poo. Shout down when you need wiping. Careful on the stairs. AVA Okay. GUY 1 Well, fantastic meal, Mike. MICHAEL Happy you enjoyed it. So, Lamb & Flag tonight? I might need a little help with the dirty business. GUY 2 Uh, no, no, no. We've got you covered, mate. Just no single malts. MICHAEL All right, agreed. Brandy it is. MICHAEL AND MATES MICHAEL On your way. GUY 2 See you at 7:00. MICHAEL Oh, no, no, no. I'm- I'll-I'll clear that up in a second. ALLY Were those the same men who were eating lunch here yesterday? MICHAEL Yeah. Couple of them. ALLY Mm. MICHAEL It's nice to give a meal to people. ALLY Mm. MICHAEL They're always buying me drinks down at the pub. ALLY Fucking hell, Michael. You've used up all the food again. Why didn't you just call me when I was at the shops? Because I was literally just at the shops. MICHAEL Yeah. Well, I-I have a minor issue with, uh, phone credit. And with not actually having a phone anymore. ALLY Right. And have you found a room yet, or? MICHAEL I'm getting there. Believe me, I want to be out of your har every bit as much as you want me to go. ALLY I don't want you to go, particularly. It's just. MICHAEL I need to hear about the National Insurance thing and find out what pension money I can claim. ALLY Right. MICHAEL Once I know how much I'm getting, I'll move into whatever place I can afford. As God is my witness. ALLY Okay. I mean, you are welcome to stay here, obviously. It's just that at the same time, you aren't. Does that make sense? MICHAEL ALLY We don't want you living anywhere too shitty. AVA I've finished my messy poo! ALLY You know what I mean. MICHAEL ALLY Excuse me. Coming. Oh, don’t forget, Mum's babysitting tonight, so please make yourself invisible. JACKIE Do you want a tea from the machine while we wait for your dad to have his doings seen to? PAUL Can we get a decent coffee from over the road? The-the machine stuff always tastes a bit like. JACKIE Piss? PAUL Yeah. Hot piss that burns the roof of your mouth. I want some nice Fair Trade piss from the caff. JACKIE Do they do tea? PAUL Yeah, of course they do. JACKIE No, I mean do they do it properly with loose leaves and nice tea- PAUL Mum! JACKIE Oh! PAUL Fuck. You just stepped in front of an ambulance. JACKIE I never. You broke my arm. PAUL I haven't. JACKIE You've fractured me. PAUL No, I haven't. I was saving her life. It's fine. Thanks. JACKIE Dear. PAUL You didn't see the big ambulance? JACKIE Oh, I don’t know. I’ve hurt. PAUL Um, but I'm sorry about this. Let me take this. We're gonna go sit down. JACKIE What, in there? PAUL Probably in there, yeah. In the hospital. There you go. Jesus Christ. JACKIE I was with Paul, just out the front there, and he went for me. PAUL "Grab her," she means to say that. JACKIE He went for my arm and then my stomach. PAUL Don't-don't say "went for." I was stopping you getting run over. DOCTOR COOPER If you could let your mother speak please, Mr. Worsley. PAUL What? With respect, I wasn't stopping her from speaking. DOCTOR COOPER I just want to hear what happened in Jackie's own words. PAUL Yeah. Me, too. And I'm trying to facilitate that. We're all on the same page here. JACKIE I'm very clumsy, aren't I? PAUL Yes, you are, but don't say that like I've asked you to say it. Don't look at me, look at her. JACKIE He hasn't ordered me to say anything doctor. I'm under no threat of any more violence. PAUL Any more vi- Christ. DOCTOR COOPER I might ask you to step into that cubicle down the hall, Mrs, Worsley. I'll have a colleague give you a further examination, see if there's any other bruising. JACKIE I hope you don't think it's Paul's fault I got hurt. DOCTOR COOPER We just need to look you over. Give you a bit of an MOT. JACKIE 'Cause he's a kind son, really. PAUL Mm-hmm. JACKIE Although he did once smack me in the face with a spade. PAUL A plastic one, not. Don't say that, Mum. Christ. It was tiny and plastic, for making sandcastles. It was an accident, I was three. JACKIE You could have had my eye out. He used to love being all nude on the beach when he was a toddler. PAUL Christ. JACKIE Running around with his funny little prawn out for all to see. PAUL Oh, man. DOCTOR COOPER My colleague will be with you shortly. JACKIE Thank you. PAUL Thanks. She really was about to get run over. DOCTOR COOPER How's your son, Mr. Worsley? PAUL My so- Luke, you mean? He's-he's fine, thanks. How do you? We've seen you before, right? With Luke? DOCTOR COOPER Yeah. PAUL Mm-hmm. DOCTOR COOPER Quite a few times. BABY LUKE PAUL Doctor! ALLY Hi. Our baby fell off the sofa. PAUL Yeah. He's hit his head. We left the room for one second, and-and he slipped off. ALLY We'd put we put little cushions around him, but. DOCTOR COOPER I'm sure he'll be fine. Come with me. PAUL Thank you. LUKE ALLY Doctor. He flew out the swing. PAUL I wasn't pushing hard at all. ALLY He's got quite weak arms for a man. PAUL Huh? DOCTOR COOPER Come this way. ALLY Hi. He, uh, put his Spider-Man mask on backwards and ran into a bin. LUKE Ow. PAUL All right, mate. It's all right, little man. Excuse me, mate. MAN ALLY Broken child here, mate. LUKE Ow! DOCTOR COOPER It seems like Luke's right shoulder has been dislocated. PAUL We were swinging him by his arms. In a fun way. ALLY Yeah, you know, when you each take a hand and you lift them up and swing them? PAUL Yeah. ALLY Yeah. No. PAUL Right. Uh.. well, Luke is fine. Thank you for asking. Very well, in fact. Thriving. DOCTOR COOPER Quite the catalogue of accidents. PAUL I wouldn't say a catalogue. A pamphlet, maybe. Leaflet. DOCTOR COOPER Everyone else in the family well? PAUL Yep. Uh, my dad's here currently. Uh, he had a fall. That was nothing to do with me. Not that my mum's injuries are to do with me. I mean, they are to do with me. I caused them, but for the right reason. DOCTOR COOPER Well, my colleague will check out your mum's bruises and see if any treatment is needed. LEAH Paul. PAUL Leah, come in. Thanks for doing this. LEAH You're welcome. PAUL We've been trying to get a table at this place for months. Apparently they do things with scallops beyond human imagining. ALLY Hi, Mum. There's not much food, but you can give the kids spaghetti with butter and Marmite. Or sardines on Ryvita? Sorry. LEAH Where is he? ALLY Who? LEAH Him. Your father. I smell Green Irish Tweed cologne and brown leather. PAUL I'm wearing aftershave. It might be that. ALLY I just bleached the sink. LEAH He's here. Why have you got that big shit in your house? PAUL Michael isn't here. LEAH He is. LUKE Michael isn't here. ALLY See? LUKE He's at the pub with his friends, and he won't be back until very late. LEAH Right. I can't be in a house that man is staying in. Sorry. ALLY PAUL Leah. LEAH PAUL Twat. PAUL We'd be on the grilled seabass by now if it wasn't for Luke. Do we need onions? ALLY We need everything. We have no food. Michael has fed the 5,000, and 3,000 of them had seconds. PAUL Right. So are we all having the. ALLY Spaghetti with butter and Marmite? Yeah. It's that or Shreddies avec Thai red curry sauce. PAUL I'll order a fridge-full of food. A Tom & Jerry fridge-full. ALLY Mm. Yes. PAUL A big ham and a shiny roast turkey and a trifle and cheese with massive holes in. ALLY Luke! Ava! Dinner's ready! AVA Coming! ALLY Oi, slow down. Careful on the stairs. Michael was talking about moving out today. PAUL Okay, good. Do you want him gone? ALLY Mm. PAUL Uh, Ava, what cheese do you want from the shop? AVA Monkey bum cheese. PAUL Well, and if they haven't got that? ALLY She likes Red Leicester. I don't know if I want him gone. Most of my life I've wanted him to come back. Luke, dinner's ready! PAUL Luke, down here now, you little sod. You're already in my bad books. LUKE Coming in a second! PAUL No, not in a second, mate. Now. Quick-smart, or your dinner goes in the bin. Run. Hurry, hurry, hurry! LUKE PAUL Oh, shit! LUKE Ow. Ow! ALLY You're mad. PAUL No, Ally, I'm serious. I'm deadly serious. We can't take him to hospital. LUKE It hurts. ALLY We are taking Luke to hospital. PAUL No! The doctor made it very clear. They already suspect that we are dodgy. And if we go in again, with another injury, another accident. ALLY But it was an accident. LUKE Ow! ALLY Do you really think they're gonna take Luke into care? PAUL Yes. Yes, I do. Or he'll have to live with foster parents. They'll probably be vegans. ALLY Oh, Paul. PAUL He hates chickpeas. ALLY Just calm down. Calm down. Right, and what do you suggest we do, then? PAUL Look, if it is broken... can we set the bone ourselves? ALLY Okay. How do we know if it was broken, and how would we reset a bone? PAUL YouTube? Everything's on YouTube. That's how I fixed the toilet. ALLY We could end up permanently disabling our son! PAUL Yes, I know, but it's either that or "Hello, King Herod, back again?" ALLY Oh, Christ. LUKE Ow. LUKE PAUL Oh, I can't get wet. ALLY Come on, darling. LUKE Ow! Ow. Ow. MAN ALLY It's okay, Luke. We're gonna go in and get your foot mended. Okay? PAUL Uh, yes, yeah. Listen, mate. You've got to tell them that mummy and daddy had nothing to do with this. All right? 'Cause we wouldn't hurt you. We love you. Don't we? I mean, you were running when you shouldn't have been. LUKE But you shouted at me to run. "Hurry, hurry, hurry." PAUL Okay. Well, I'm sorry about that. LUKE So really it's your fault I slipped. PAUL Listen, man. If you'd have come down for your fucking dinner when- All right. I'm sorry I shouted. Don't tell the doctor I shouter, okay? ALLY Just think about what you're saying, if they ask you questions, Luke. PAUL Mm-hmm. LUKE If I don't, will you shoot me like you said? ALLY Yeah. PAUL Come on. MAN ALLY All right, baby. LUKE It hurts. ALLY I know, sit back. LUKE Ow. Ow. LUKE Ow! NURSE Dr. Dimitrescu? DR DIMITRESCU Ah. What seems to be the problem with this young man? Running when he shouldn't have been? PAUL ALLY ALLY So, a bad sprain? DOCTOR COOPER Yes. A few days off from school. LUKE Yay! DOCTOR COOPER and RICE therapy- rest, ice, compression, elevation. Luke should be better soon. ALLY Well, that is a relief. PAUL Yes, that is. Thanks, doctor. DOCTOR COOPER And I'm going to ask that someone visit you, just to chat about child safety in and around the house. Just to see if we can make things a little less dangerous for Luke and Ava. ALLY So, um I'm sorry, do you mean that the social services are gonna visit? DOCTOR COOPER It is the local authority's Children's Services department who'll be visiting, yes. PAUL We're gonna get a visit from the social services? Hmm. ALLY PAUL Okay, well, if it's. Come here, mate. Come here. ALLY I'm so ashamed. We've got fucking social workers coming, Paul. PAUL No, I know. I heard. ALLY They're coming round to our house. I mean, that is serious, serious shit. We need to change how we are with the kids. PAUL You mean I need to change. ALLY No, we need to change. That's why I said "we" and not "you." PAUL Yeah, but I'm the one who shouts at them, aren't I? I'm the rager. I'm Hair Trigger Harry. I'm the one who made Luke run down the stairs. Ally, I... I'm not an abuser, am I? ALLY Of course not. PAUL I mean, I've never hit them. ALLY Luke's just had a lot of accidents. PAUL Well, some psychologists would say that that nothing is ever really an accident. JIM I have never beaten you. JIM An adult shouldn't beat a child, that's my motto. PAUL Not really sure you can claim that as yours. JIM I sometimes smacked you. Back of the legs. Fine. And your mum hit you. Women are allowed to hit. But you were never beaten. PAUL Many thanks. Though it is a fine distinction. JIM No. Beating involves a shoe. PAUL Oh, it does? Right. That's the UN definition, is it? JIM Well, a weapon of some kind- shoe, sliver, leather belt. Ideally, it's something you can wear so you always have it with you. You don't hit your two, do you? PAUL No. Of course not. Non-psychopaths don't hit their children these days. I mean, I want to, sometimes, Jesus. JIM Of course you do. Humans have walloped the living shit out of our kids since caveman times, right up until Live Aid. It's only in this last generation it's all changed. PAUL Yeah, it-it was always wrong though, uh, Dad. Y-You can't teach right and wrong through violence. JIM No? PAUL No, I mean, sometimes you can, I guess. Maybe a swift wallop is better than taking the iPad away for a week, or no chocolate for a month or whatever. It's quicker. But I couldn't physically hurt my kids. PAUL Do you think I'm subconsciously hurting Luke? ALLY Oh, don't be daft. PAUL No, seriously. Maybe I want to hit him sometimes, like I was hit, but I know I can't, so I hurt him in other ways, subconsciously, via swings or stairs or a dislocated shoulder. ALLY Uh, we both dislocated Luke's shoulder. PAUL That's sweet of you to say. ALLY Look, we are we're in shock. We just need to get some sleep. PAUL You reckon they'll go through the bins, see how much we drink? ALLY I don't know, Paul. I really don't, 'cause I've never been in a fucking Ken Loach film like this before. PAUL Ally. CARL Ah, it comes around, doesn't it? ALLY What's that, Carl? CARL Bin day. You think, "It can't be a week since I last put my recycling out," but of course it always is. You can't fight time. PAUL Carl, can we ask a favor? CARL Of course, I'll be quiet. PAUL No, no, it's not. It's, uh- Can we put some of our bottles in your recycling? CARL Oh, of course. Yeah, I've only got an olive oil bottle, a couple of Nutella jars. It should be all right. PAUL Thanks a lot. We've got some, uh. ALLY People are coming round to- not to, not to inspect us, just to observe. CARL Is it the social services? PAUL What? ALLY Why'd you say that? CARL Well, it's just that some sometimes you shout, Paul, at Luke and Ava, and people can hear. Neighbors. And you swear sometimes, and I know certain people have thought about maybe calling. PAUL Are they talking about me? About whether or not I'm a good father? Fuckers in these terrace, are they bitching about me? CARL Bitching is a strong word, but probably the right one. PAUL I don't need strangers to tell me I'm a bad father. I've got myself and the social services to do that. CARL How's your fridge? PAUL How do you mean? CARL Well, my sister had a visit when she was married to a sociopathic narcissist- no comparison intended- and she said they check the fridge for food what your kids will eat tonight, what they'll eat in the morning. PAUL Well, it's empty currently, but we have got another delivery coming- Fuck- right about now. Hon, we can't let them see how the fridge is now. It looks like a fridge you leaves by the road. Thank you, Carl. CARL Good luck. And if you need a character witness, tell them to call the Nokia. Number is in my newsletter. PAUL Okay. PAUL Hey, what's-what's this? It was in the recycling. MICHAEL What's what? PAUL Hmm? MICHAEL Oh. PAUL Oh. ALLY You're not eligible for any state pension because you didn't pay your stamp for long enough. Were you gonna tell us? MICHAEL Sure. Tonight. I don't know how this got in the recycling. I must have just put it in there by accident. PAUL Some psychologists say there are no accidents. MICHAEL Then they're morons. ALLY So, you have no money at all and no prospect of any money at all. MICHAEL I'll find a place. Don't worry. I'll take a job. PAUL Michael, you're 70! What are you gonna do for a living? Be the face of fucking L'Oréal? ALLY Now is not the time to deal with this. But I'm not having our kids taken away to be replaced by you. That is not a plan. MICHAEL Oh, I understand. I'll disappear before the child catchers arrive. PAUL Fucking hell. ALLY Where's our shopping, by the way? PAUL Yeah, I know. It's late. Do you want me to go and get some stuff? ALLY No, there's no time. And then we'll end up with two lots of shopping and look like mad over-caterers making our kids obese. PAUL Hello? DRIVER Is that Mr. Worsley? PAUL Yes, it is. DRIVER Your shopping's on the way. PAUL Oh, right. Supermarket delivery guy. ALLY Oh. DRIVER It's nose to tail here. There's an accident up ahead, so I'm gonna be late. Very sorry, sir. PAUL No, no. How late? You can't be late. DRIVER Uh, it seems like a pretty major accident. There's two air ambulances. Looks like there's definitely fatalities. PAUL Right, but I do need my shopping. Don't-don't judge me. If I don't get my shopping in the next two minutes, my children will be taken into care. DRIVER If you don't get your shopping in the next two minutes, your children will be taken into care? PAUL Sounds unlikely, I know, but yes. Now look, is there another of your vans just a minute or so from my house who can give me someone else's shopping? I don't care what the shopping is, as long as it's food and not just tampons and clingfilm. DRIVER You you can't have someone else's shopping, Mr. Worsley. PAUL ALLY God, this is dirty. They're early. PAUL Well, fuck you. When my kids are being diddled in a shed by some bearded nonce, it'll be your fucking fault. ALLY Hi. PAUL Hello. SOCIAL WORKER 1 Hello. SOCIAL WORKER 2 Hi. ALLY Do you want to. PAUL Please. ALLY Yeah. Come in. PAUL Great. Hi. PAUL It's three thousand a month, bills included. ALLY PAUL The boiler's, uh, just been serviced. SOCIAL WORKER 1 It is quite a challenging house for young children. PAUL Uh, yes. No. We bought it, uh, when we weren't thinking about kids. SOCIAL WORKER 1 PAUL Yeah. Not that we didn't want them. We did. We do. They mean everything to us. ALLY Yes. SOCIAL WORKER 2 How old are the children? ALLY Four and seven. SOCIAL WORKER 1 Uh, the stairgates seem brand-new. Ordinarily, with older children, we don't expect that. PAUL We panicked. They are new. Sorry. We j- We just put them in today. We're scared. Oh, we're scared. Uh... I'll be honest with you, we're fucking terrified. Excuse my language. We think you're gonna take the kids away 'cause I'm a monster. SOCIAL WORKER 1 Are you a monster? ALLY He's definitely not a monster. PAUL I try hard not to be a monster. And I love those kids. I don't want them hurt. I don't hurt them, but sometimes accidents just happen. ALLY Look at Princess Diana. Although you do sometimes thing that. PAUL Uh, and I'll save you the trouble of looking in the fridge. Uh, it's a barren fridge. Although we do, actually, have a food truck coming. Um, I can show you the receipt on my phone. ALLY Yeah. PAUL Yeah, see? one substitution, a different kind of ham. ALLY That's fine. SOCIAL WORKER 2 This is, uh, obviously a home where children are cared for. The number of books, a variety of clothes, bathroom toys... It's clearly a very child-centred household. PAUL ALLY Yes, it is. Thank you. Thank you. So, have we passed? SOCIAL WORKER 1 It's not a question of passing. ALLY Right. No. Yeah. But have we? SOCIAL WORKER 1 Uh, we just need to try and avoid any further accidents as much as possible in the future. PAUL Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. SOCIAL WORKER 1 If we feel there's any neglect of the children- and that includes preventable accidents- we can and will legally intervene. PAUL Understood. ALLY So, we're sort of on probation. SOCIAL WORKER 1 Well. ALLY Well, it could be worse, I suppose. Though it could, obviously- It could be a lot, lot better. So. PAUL Yeah. Excuse me. PAUL Uh Um. Is it com- ALLY You just have- If you lightly press lift and then. PAUL Right. You know what? I'm just. There you go. It's actually safer like that. ALLY Yeah. PAUL See you later. PAUL Oh. DRIVER Shall I bring the bags in, sir? PAUL Uh, no, just hand them over. It's fine. Cheers. Sorry for swearing at you earlier. DRIVER Go fuck yourself, you little shit. PAUL And we're-we're good with the ham substitution, by the way.