ALLY AVA BINMAN BINMAN_1 BINMAN_2 BOY CARL DAD DARREN DRUNK_MAN_1 DRUNK_MAN_2 GIRL JACKIE JIM LEAH LUKE MALE_VOICE MUM PASTOR PAUL POLICE_OFFICER POLICE_OFFICER_2 WAITER PAUL Don't do this, mate. Don't do it. It doesn't help. You go in there and you scream, they cry, you hate yourself. Breathe. Talk to them. Do it better, Paul. Be better. PAUL Jesus fucking Christ! How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet!? No, tell me. How many times have I told you? You think I'm going to put up with this? I'll fucking go. I don't give a shit. In fact, I'm gonna go. Tell-tell Mummy that Daddy's gone. Right? Because he couldn't stand to be around the fucking noise any more. And then when you told her that, you can watch her cry. And then you can cry some more, you'll all be fucking crying. Sorry. I just need you to be quiet. I'm working. I didn't mean any of that. Um I'm sorry. I'm sorry. ALLY Nicely finessed, ambassador. PAUL Oh. ALLY You all right? PAUL Yeah. It's just the level of noise. Do you know what I mean? It's, uh I've got to prep for this thing tomorrow and. ALLY Yeah I know, Paul. They can be real pricks. PAUL I would die for those kids, Ally. But often, I also want to kill them. ALLY Yeah. It's a conundrum isn't it? Trying to work out which duvet to suffocate them with. PAUL Well, the tiger one's thicker. No, I would definitely murder our children with the tiger duvet. ALLY LUKE ALLY PAUL ALLY PAUL You better believe it. PAUL WAITER Disfrutaste tu comida? ALLY Uh, si, estuvo bien. PAUL That is so hot. ALLY All right, I'm just going to use the little girls' room to have a massive piss. PAUL Have fun with that. Try a standing up one. ALLY I'll pay the bill on the way out. PAUL Love you. ALLY Joint account. PAUL Fuck you. BOY Daddy! ALLY Shh. GIRL BOY Daddy, I want to play! DAD A minute. Give us a minute. WAITER Buen provecho. MUM Oh, gracias. Oh, Charlie. DAD You eat yours, then we'll swap. MUM No, no- pass her here, you eat yours first. You hate lukewarm food. DAD You eat yours while it's hot. I'm good. GIRL PAUL Uh, excuse me- you don't need a hand, do you? DAD Thank you so much for that. PAUL Oh. DAD That was such a brilliant thing to do. PAUL You're welcome. Don't mention it. MUM They love you. I take it you've got kids? PAUL Uh, not yet. Or maybe ever. Who knows? Nice to meet you sunshine. MUM Thank you. Bye-bye. DAD Thanks. PAUL So shall we go back to the hotel. ALLY Mm. PAUL and fuck each other stupid? ALLY Oh, yes. Let's fuck each other mental. Like if you could turn someone schizophrenic just by fucking them hard enough. PAUL You can't. Not even Sting can do that. And he's had a good go. ALLY ALLY I really thought we were done with the sleepless nights. Ava's got a bit of a cold, she's ripped to the tits on CALPOL. But, Luke, I don't know. PAUL I think he might have had a bit of a nap today... at my folks', so. ALLY He had a what? PAUL It's fine, he'll sleep. Mum said it was just two hours. ALLY Two hours?! You can get to Brussels on the fucking Eurostar in two hours. You can watch The Godfather. PAUL Mmm, you can't, it's nearly three. ALLY He'll never sleep again. What were your parents thinking? PAUL They were looking after our kids, Ally. For free. LUKE Mummy! ALLY Luke's got his fire madness again. PAUL Christ- it's the fucking fire safety class he had at school. ALLY He thinks we're all going to burn to death. He asked Father Christmas for a sprinkler system. LUKE Daddy! Mummy! PAUL Sh-Shall I go? ALLY What time's your meeting tomorrow morning? It's 8:45, right? PAUL No, it's eight. ALLY I thought you said 8:45? PAUL But I should be there for eight. 7:50-ish, you know. 7:45 sort of thing. ALLY Why? PAUL Get prepared. Get sorted. So that means up at 6:30. You're working from home tomorrow, right? 'Cause Darren's sending you edits to listen to down the line? ALLY Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't need to sleep, does it? PAUL No, uh, God, I know, I know. ALLY 'Cause work from home is still work, isn't it? PAUL I know. Yeah. LUKE Daddy! ALLY Okay. Let's split it through the night. 90 minutes on, 90 minutes off? PAUL Mmm. ALLY Like World War I sentries or prostitutes. LUKE Daddy! PAUL Okay. ALLY Good luck. PAUL So what's on your mind, sunshine? LUKE I don't want to be in a fire. PAUL Course you don't. Last thing anyone wants. That or drowning. Not drowning, that's not going to happen to us. Okay? LUKE Okay. PAUL Seriously, mate. Serious-- we are safe here. My job, mummy's job is to keep you and Ava safe. That's always been our job. That's like our only job. It's what mums and dads are for. LEAH Fucking nightmare, the whole thing. Half of them don't speak any English. That's not a racist complaint, it's a purely practical complaint because I need to communicate with them. You know? Words, ideas. They stare back at me like I'm the one talking in a foreign language. I have hot water now, I don't know, maybe three days a week? If that. Astonishing given the amount I'm fucking paying. ALLY He's called Luke, Mum. LEAH Who is, love? ALLY My new baby. LEAH Oh God, yes, of course. Sorry to be boring on about the stupid building work. You've had a lovely baby. ALLY Do you want to hold him? LEAH I've got this elbow thing, so I won't. He's unlikely to remember any of this anyway. Have you thought of any names? ALLY He's called Luke, Mum. LEAH Nice. Biblical. Or Star Wars. JACKIE We've arrived, and to prove it, we're here! JIM Stand by your beds! Not literally. Hello Leah. That's a nice top. PAUL Hey. JACKIE Oh, is this little Luke? ALLY Yeah... you want to hold him, Jackie? JIM You don't want to drop him. JACKIE I won't drop him, Jim. I think I can hold a baby, thanks. JIM Drop him on his head, he'll turn out like this one. PAUL Oi. JIM I'm joking, he's fine. Although he was on beta blockers for his A-levels. PAUL I'm going to get some more chairs. JACKIE Oh don't bother. I don't mind standing. As Elton John sang. Did he sing that? PAUL It's all right, I'll get a couple from out here. JACKIE You don't need any more palaver. JIM We're fine, we don't want a fuss. PAUL No, it's not a fuss, Dad. Getting some chairs - it's not a fuss. You refusing the fucking chairs, that's a fuss. JACKIE Sorry for the turmoil, Ally. ALLY Oh, honestly, it's fine. Totally fine. JACKIE Oh, what a beautiful baby. Look Jim. JIM I can see him. JACKIE Paul's going to be a terrific dad. PAUL Oh, thanks. JACKIE Superdad. PAUL JACKIE Mmm, mmm. PAUL So, you know what this is? LUKE Smoke alarm? PAUL Mm-hmm. And what does it do if it smells smoke? LUKE Beeps. PAUL More than that mate. It mega beeps, incredibly loudly. Like a lorry reversing into a heart monitor. And that keeps us safe. All right? LUKE If the sofa was on fire would we be safe? PAUL Yes we would. LUKE If the telly was on fire? PAUL Yeah. LUKE Table? PAUL Yes. LUKE What if the carpet? PAUL Whatever's on fire, Luke, even if it's a big fire, we'll all be safe. LUKE A big fire? Can we climb out that window? PAUL Well, it's locked, but there is a key. Although we don't keep it near the window. LUKE Why? PAUL B-Because a burglar might be able to smash the glass, reach in and get the key. LUKE Are there burglars outside? PAUL No need to worry about burglars. I shouldn't have mentioned burglars. LUKE I'm worried about burglars. And drowning. PAUL Well, I thought you were worried about fire? LUKE I am. PAUL So can we just worry about one thing at a time, please? Or not worry. Let's not worry. Because you don't need to be worried. PAUL Front door, right? Keys by the side. So we can easily get out. LUKE No we can't. PAUL Yes we can. LUKE No we can't. PAUL Yes we can. LUKE I can't get out of the fire! PAUL There's no fucking fire, okay?! And you shouldn't be able to get out anyway, because you're seven years old, you'll get run over. No, you wouldn't. Don't start worrying about that now. Christ, how many times? You're madder than the fucking smoke alarm. Hello, Ally. Hi. This is all fine. It's all under control. It's not rage. I'm not angry with Luke. I was just explaining a few things, uh, safety things, you know, and all of a sudden it just got a bit. ALLY It's almost my time to take over anyway, so just go to bed. PAUL Good. Fine. Thanks. AVA PAUL Do you ever feel like your brain is going to be sick into your own skull? ALLY I get that relentlessly, most days, yeah. PAUL ALLY Come here. JIM Do you remember Micky Partman? PAUL Is he dead? JIM Yes. How do you know? PAUL Because whenever you ask if I remember someone, they're dead. JIM Broken heart. PAUL Mm. JIM His wife had gone eight weeks before. I think if your mam dies before me I'll just step in front of a lorry or drink bleach. PAUL Be a nice gesture. JIM I can't even boil an egg. Or line up my pills in that plastic thing. Can't work the printer. PAUL You never need to print anything. JIM Well, it's a fucking good job, isn't it? You cook don't you. PAUL We share it, yeah. JIM It was a different era when I was young. I don't mean sex crimes- childcare, cooking, all that. No, I went to work, your mam did everything else. I don't think I was ever as nice as you are. PAUL Mm. I'm not nice. I'm not a nice man. I-I've found that out. You know, I thought I was, for 30-odd years. I was convinced I was nice. But I'm not. I'm nasty. JIM Is this about shouting at the kids? Everyone shouts at their kids Paul. PAUL It's different, Dad. Believe me. PAUL There's a good boy, you're going to stay asleep. Go on. All right. That's a good boy. Easy peasy. There. LUKE PAUL Oh motherfucking... Be reasonable, you prick! Be fucking reasonable! PAUL The rage. No one has ever made me feel rage like that, like they do. I am medically deranged when they wind me up. Full-on fucking Broadmoor. JIM You and Ally okay? No fights? PAUL Yeah, we're all right. Mostly. JIM Me and your mum have never had a stand-up row in 50 years. Not one. PAUL Yeah, you see it's. JIM What? PAUL Well, that's always been our family, hasn't it? No rage. No shouting. Just passive aggression. That's how you and mum operate. Passive aggression and bottling stuff up, and sulking, when the better thing would've just been to have the row and move on. You see, I never learned any of that. That's one of the reasons I'm so all over the fucking shop now. JIM Well, I'm sure we're both very sorry we ruined your life. We didn't mean to. PAUL Dad. JIM I'll tell your mum you love her. PAUL Dad. AVA Read it! ALLY One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and pop, out of an egg came a small and very hungry caterpillar. And what did he do Ava? AVA Looked for some food. He's very hungry. ALLY He's very hungry. He's a very hungry caterpillar. That is his whole thing. AVA That's his whole thing. ALLY On Monday he ate through one apple. But was that enough? AVA No. ALLY ALLY Mummy? ALLY On Tuesday he ate through two pears, but he was still hungry. What did he eat on Wednesday? AVA Three plums. ALLY Then he was full. The end. Good night. AVA No Mummy! Wake up! ALLY Oh my gosh. Stop this. It's so exhausting. DARREN What are you calling her? PAUL She-Ra. After my aunt. ALLY Ava. DARREN That's beautiful. PAUL Hmm. DARREN Hi Ava. It's your uncle Darren. Not genetically. I'm one of those men who pretend to be your uncle. I don't mean. Two kids man, amazing. Two. PAUL I know. Two. DARREN No, but two though. ALLY I know. It's mad. DARREN PAUL How are you then, mate? DARREN Yeah, never better. Brilliant Ally has set up things in the studio so I only really have to work about half the year now. ALLY Where were you last month, Darren? Tell Paul. DARREN Croatia. Three weeks. Beautiful. Knocking around on the boat with Karen. Maldives in a month. PAUL Yeah. So you're soldiering on then. DARREN No, don't get me wrong, um... I'm a lucky, lucky guy, but stuff is just stuff, I mean this, Ava, and Luke, you know, you can't put a price on that. You know Karen and I still can't. PAUL Mmm. ALLY Sure. Yeah. DARREN It's been years now. Still no dice. IVF and so on. It's sperm trouble. 'Jizz biz.' PAUL Yeah, you said. That is sad news. I might just go and ring my mum and dad. ALLY Do it. DARREN And they thought for a while it was varicocele, which sounds like an Italian dessert but is actually abnormally dilated veins around the testicles. PAUL I'm not a lover of puddings, really. DARREN You know, I'd do anything to have kids. ALLY Mm-hmm. DARREN Do anything, I'd pay anything. I'd pay. AVA DARREN I don't know eight- 800 grand each for your-yours. ALLY PAUL ALLY Are you serious? DARREN No, of course I'm not serious. AVA PAUL Mm. Fuck you, ticking on right like some cunt. Fuck your hands. Fuck your numbers. Time. One more time. PAUL ALLY Time to wake up I'm afraid. PAUL I was, I was awake. I haven't slept. ALLY You were asleep then. PAUL Fuck, for one second. It was literally for one second. ALLY Yeah, sometimes it can feel like a second when it's actually been. PAUL Hon. It was a second. Believe me. ALLY Okay, sure. PAUL Okay? Thanks. ALLY Ugh. I'm going to plug up so be sure to shake or electrocute me awake. PAUL Are we, um are we letting Ava have the iPad or is the blue light. ALLY PAUL How? That's. PAUL I want you to just lie here. Right? Don't even think about going to sleep. If you lie here still and quiet uh, you'll just drift off. I promise you. LUKE Safety Man said smoke alarms are important because most fires happen when you're asleep. PAUL The Safety Man made you scared, didn't he Luke? So how about I just push Safety Man down a fucking stairwell, then he won't be Safety Man any more, will he? I've got to sleep, mate. Do you think you can? LUKE I'll try. PAUL Good boy. Love ya. Okay, bye-bye. LUKE Daddy. PAUL PAUL No. Mm. BINMAN Heya. BINMAN 2 Alright? PAUL Hello. BINMAN 1 We're your binmen, recycling and, you know, food waste, all that. PAUL Oh, is this about a Christmas tip? Is that-- I didn't think that was allowed anymore with all the contracting out. BINMAN 2 No, no, we're sorry to bother you. We just wanted to say that, um... well, we've both been there buddy. BINMAN 1 Yeah. Been there. Roll a T-shirt, built a leg on a model. PAUL Sorry- been where? BINMAN 1 The abyss. BINMAN 2 Look, we collect your glass recycling and we're worried. PAUL About? BINMAN 1 There's a lot of bottles. A lot of bottles. I mean a lot of bottles. BINMAN 2 Yeah, yeah, we rotate... it's what? BINMAN 1 About 100 units a week. 120, something like that. CARL Everything okay Paul? PAUL Yeah, all good. Thanks, Carl. CARL Is this about the new blue bins? PAUL No. CARL Right. PAUL I-I think you're way off on the units, aren't you? I mean, t-there's four people who live in this house. Yes, two of them don't really drink, but, you know, we have people around to drink. And do other things as well. Obviously, it's not a speakeasy. BINMAN 2 Look, we're not here to judge you. PAUL Although, you are monitoring me. BINMAN 1 Maybe now's not the time to deal with stuff, just like I said, we-we're both recovering and. BINMAN 2 Yeah, and we agreed that we'd feel guilty if we said nothing, so. BINMAN 1 So up to you now, yeah? PAUL Well, thanks for your thoughts. I'll be sure to put them on the pile. BINMAN 1 Hey, remember. Buck always stops with this guy. I mean, not me, you. BINMAN 2 Stay strong. PAUL Arms shoulder width apart. Like this. And up. Bend your arms. Bend your arms. Okay, or-or not, yeah. Good. Well done. LUKE It's hard work. PAUL Yeah I know, mate. Come on, five more reps, then you can swap. PAUL PAUL Uh, showtime. Sorry. I was trying to tire them out but I think I just made them stronger. AVA PAUL MALE VOICE A powerful bleach for heavy-duty sterilizing and stain removal. ALLY They've cocked up the timings. We need to take out all the air but keep the clarity. MALE VOICE sterilizing and stain removal. DARREN Can't he come back in and record it again? ALLY No budget. The bleach guys are tight as arseholes. Bleached arseholes. MALE VOICE a powerful bleach. DARREN Have I updated you on the 'Great IVF Egg and Sperm Race'? ALLY Yeah, no, I think so. I think you have, yeah. MALE VOICE Stain removal stain r- stain removal. DARREN I say it lightheartedly, but it's been grim. I won't go into the biology of it all, the grisly ins and outs. ALLY Mm. Brilliant. How's Karen about it all? DARREN Yeah, I think she's less bothered than me to be honest. ALLY Mm. MALE VOICE A powerful bleach. ALLY Have you thought about adoption? DARREN Who'd have me? Yes, we have, uh, discussed it. Are you guys happy? You and Paul? ALLY No. Don't be daft. DARREN Oh? MALE VOICE Stain. ALLY I mean, we're fine. We're fine. We're not unhappy. Well, we are unhappy, but you know. DARREN Not really, no. ALLY Well, who is happy with two kids under seven? I mean properly happy, like you are when you're in Portugal and you've just had a couple of beers and a big tomato. Right, if someone is climbing Scafell Pike with a mini fridge tied around them on a bit of washing line, and then you tie another mini fridge on, then they're not going to be happy. No. They'll probably make it to the, to the summit, but it'll be a slog, not a pleasure. Maybe there's a nice view, but the mini fridges have just shat themselves. DARREN Got you. MALE VOICE Bleach. ALLY Underneath all the madness, me and Paul love each other very, very probably. But, you know, exploring that is not currently a priority. It's just... Little shitting mini fridges, tied around us. That is the image that you have to remember. DARREN Understood. And if you ever need to talk to anyone. ALLY I just have. That's-that's-that's what I was doing. DARREN Of course. PAUL But if God knew we would sin, w-why does he demand a sacrifice? No, it's like, h-he sets us up to fail and then punishes us. He's a psychopath. PASTOR We failed Him, my friend. But whatever you want to call Him, He continues to love you. Because his love is unconditional. PAUL All right, thanks. DRUNK MAN 1 Don't fucking come here, you bollocks! I thought you. PAUL Uh. no, no, no, no, no. No. DRUNK MAN 1 I thought you told her?! DRUNK MAN 2 Did I say I did? LUKE Who's shouting? Is it burglars? PAUL LUKE You said we could get out that door. PAUL It's all right, mate. DRUNK MAN 1 Finn fucking said he fucking- PAUL Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you. DRUNK MAN 1 What? PAUL You heard. I said I'll kill you. Shut your fucking noise. DRUNK MAN 2 Come here. Fucking come out here. PAUL Yeah, I-I'll come out there. I'll come out there you ugly cunt. I'll kill you. I'll kill both of you. DRUNK MAN 1 Oh, leave it Josh. He's like 60 or something. PAUL Six- What the fuck? I'm mid-40s, mate! DRUNK MAN 1 Look, he's got his fucking slippers on, look. DRUNK MAN 2 Go fuck yourself, mate. PAUL I'll kill you! I will kill both of you! Mm. Oh...! Luke, can you open the door? LUKE I can't do it. PAUL Yeah you can. Just, just turn the latch. LUKE What's a latch? PAUL Oh God. It's-it's-it's the sort of sticky-out thing, it should be sort of out- ow! Motherfucker! LUKE I can't open the latch! I can't get out the fire! PAUL No, no. it's, no. AVA PAUL Where is the fire? Look around. There's no fire, is there? Jesus Christ. Okay. Stand up. Right. See the metal thing, just above your head? If you turn that, and then you can open-- there you go. Good boy. All right, it's okay. There you go. Oh, look, there's that Ava. Hey, d-don't... It's okay, oh, we nearly had you asleep there, didn't we? All right. PAUL Let's all just calm down. You have some water. I'm going to have a little fag. Shh. Ow, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. Mm. No, fuck! LUKE There's a fire! PAUL There's no fucking fire, Luke! Okay, it's that-- we've talked about that. Right! Shut up. Shut the fuck up, cunt! Fuck you. Okay. Okay. Okay. You need to sleep. We're going old school. PAUL ALLY Mm. ALLY I'm coming. Hey. Shh. Coming! CARL Hi Ally. ALLY Hi. CARL Just checking everything's okay? ALLY Uh, yeah, I think so. Why, what time is it? CARL Quarter to nine. No, it's just in the early hours, I thought I heard Paul shouting about killing. ALLY Killing? CARL Shouting "I will kill both of you. I will kill you both." I was concerned. ALLY CARL Now it-it-it. ALLY Paul?! Paul?! Luke?! Ava?! "The Tiger duvet is thicker." POLICE OFFICER Please step slowly out the car, sir. PAUL Hmm? What-what is this? Is this a joke? Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? POLICE OFFICER Calm down, sir. PAUL What do you mean calm down? AVA POLICE OFFICER 2 Good boy. PAUL Christ. Don't wake them up. We were just having a sleep. A nice little car-sleep. POLICE OFFICER Let's get this sorted, Mr. Worsley. Come on. PAUL Get what sorted? Jesus Christ... What the fuck is this about? Sorry. ALLY Sorry again. PAUL It's fine. ALLY I didn't really think that you'd... well, I mean, I-I thought it with my mind, but I didn't really believe the thoughts. Does that make sense? PAUL Not a lot of sense, no. ALLY Well, what would you have thought? PAUL I wouldn't have thought you'd murdered our children, Ally. I wouldn't have thought that, to be honest. LUKE Mummy. Daddy. I can smell a fire! PAUL