BOTH CHIP CROWD DALE ED KATO LUCKY MAN MARCUS MARTHA MONSIEUR MRS_BASKETS NARRATIVE NARRATIVE_TITLE PENELOPE TEACHER WAITER WOMAN MONSIEUR NARRATIVE TITLE Académie de Clown Français MONSIEUR NARRATIVE TITLE 207: Clown Theory CHIP Are you okay? MONSIEUR CHIP Oh, there's a thing. There's a thing. MONSIEUR French Horn? CHIP Uh, you're-- Want me to do something with the... handkerchief. Um... MONSIEUR Bozo? Huh? Le Ronald McDonald. Huh? Ronald McDonald. TEACHER MONSIEUR CHIP Monsieur.. MONSIEUR Eh? Jerry Lewis. CHIP Monsieur? Monsieur? MONSIEUR CHIP Bye, Bouge. Are you gonna go to the-- Uh, listen, monsieur, I was hoping, like-- You could probably tell that I'm struggling in your class due to the fact that I don't speak French at all, um, and I was hoping that maybe you could tutor me clowning in English. Because being a clown is the most important thing in the world to me. Hello? Bye. CHIP Hi. Um, I'll have the number 57, please. WAITER Sir, that's the price. CHIP Oh, price. Oh, in that case, I'll have the number 4. WAITER A carrot? CHIP Yes, a carrot, please. Penelope, I'm so elated that you're here tonight with me. PENELOPE Oh, you know, free food. CHIP Darling, listen to me. I'm flunking out of clown school. Things aren't going the way I planned. They don't-- I don't know, they don't-- they don't get me here, I guess, and I-- I think-- (sighs) Take a breath. WAITER Sir, your carrot. CHIP Thank you. Penelope... I have a question to ask you. PENELOPE Oh. Oh, no... Oh, no. So embarrassing. CHIP Will you marry me? Are you thinking about it? PENELOPE Barely. CHIP Darling, listen to me. I've run out of money. I kind of need to go home... PENELOPE Where is home? CHIP Bakersfield. California, in the-- in the Sunshine State. PENELOPE Okay. I marry you. CHIP PENELOPE Okay, look. You must understand I don't love you. I don't think you're very attractive. But, uh, I want to go to America, get green card, but then when I maybe, uh, find a different guy that's better looking, I go with him and I leave you. CHIP You're gonna love Bakersfield. PENELOPE I'm sure I love it. CHIP NARRATIVE TITLE Bakersfield, California NARRATIVE TITLE: Buckaroo Rodeo Six Months Later ED It says here that you studied clowning at "Dey Clown Francez." CHIP Yeah. ED "Academy de Clown Francez." CHIP That's correct, at the Académie de Clown in Francois. ED So, uh, Chip, Chip, uh, Baskets? Oh, my God. What a name for a clown. CHIP That's my real name. That's my, uh-- ED Nah, you're Baskets the Clown now, pally. CHIP I have another clown name and I prefer to go by that, if you don't mind. ED Okay. Well, what-- what's your clown name? CHIP My clown name is Renoir. ED What? CHIP Renoir. ED Can't have no clown here named "Rain-whah." You're Baskets. Baskets the Clown. You know how many of you clowns end up in a basket? That's the most perfect clown name I ever heard. CHIP Great. ED You're hired. CHIP I am? ED Sure. Don't take nothin' to get hired around here other than walk in that door right there, tell me you're damn fool enough to want the job. CHIP Thank you very much. ED I don't pay enough. CHIP Mm-hmm. ED They all quit. You'll quit, too. CHIP I'll take it. ED Okay. Care for a cup of coffee before you leave? CHIP No, I'm okay. Thank you. ED Okay, well, get on out there, head-butt me some bulls. CHIP Sorry, say that again? ED Head-butt me some bulls. That's what keeps them stands filled to the rafters. Yeah. Ain't nothing like a clown bein' hauled off unconscious. That'll fill 'em up all weekend LUCKY Hey, you! You Baskets? CHIP Renoir. LUCKY Whatever, man. Get your shit, we got to go. CROWD CHIP Hey, what's goin' on? LUCKY Listen, man. You're gettin' killed out there. You gotta step it up. What the hell they teach you in France, anyway? CHIP I don't know. I don't speak French. LUCKY All right, man. Don't let 'em get a bead on it. CHIP Okay. Yeah. LUCKY All right. Hey, Chip! Take this T-shirt gun and make yourself useful. CHIP Ow! MAN Ow! CHIP Go for Baskets. PENELOPE Chip? CHIP Hi, darling, how are you? PENELOPE Don't call me that, okay? Look, I need $40 for HBO. D'accord? CHIP Okay. PENELOPE Did you get that job? CHIP Yeah, I did. PENELOPE Oh, really? And how much money there is? CHIP Uh, it's $4.00 an hour. Four American. PENELOPE That's shit pay, huh? Why don't you work at the roast beef sandwich shop? CHIP Because the-- the Arby's doesn't hire clowns. I've told you this. PENELOPE Well, you're not a "cloon," okay? CHIP Why do you hurt me so? You know that clowning is-- Just-- just the usual, Gerry. Okay, what were you saying? PENELOPE You are not a "cloon." CHIP Listen to me. I am a clown. I've always been a clown. And I always will be a clown! I need-- don't-- don't throw that out, please. Put that back. Yeah. Thank you. Okay? What you're saying is hurt-- No, not that one, either. I had a cigarette back in there, yeah. Don't throw the ciggys out. Thank you. PENELOPE I need $40 for exclusive all movie pass on hbo. CHIP Yeah, hbo, $40. But I'm a clown. Okay? PENELOPE Chip, you look like a "cloon," but you are not a "cloon." CHIP I am a "cloon"! CHIP Get out, bee! Go around! I have a bee! Go around! Out, bee! MARTHA This is a really interesting motorcycle. I'm not sure if we're gonna be able to find replacement parts for it. We may just have to get you a refurbished scooter. CHIP No, I-- This is from France, and they make scooters better, so I-- I want this one back. MARTHA All due respect to your scooter, we actually make some pretty good ones here in America. CHIP What are you, Lee Greenwood? MARTHA Um, no, sir. My name's Martha Brooks. I'm-- I'm your insurance agent. CHIP Okay. MARTHA Okay, take care. I'll-I'll speak to you shortly. CHIP Okay. MARTHA Mr. Baskets. CHIP Yeah? MARTHA I actually could give you a ride, if you'd like. CHIP You don't have $40, do you? MARTHA My niece and nephew together might have it. CHIP How old are they? MARTHA Um, he's six and she just turned seven. Irish twins. CHIP Uh-huh. Hey, can you pull over? There's a Que Rico over there-- I'm parched. MAN Welcome to Que Rico. Can I take your order? MARTHA What do you want? CHIP Uh, tangerine Fanta, please. MARTHA Um, tangerine Fanta, please. MAN Uh, we do not have that. MARTHA Um, they do not have that. CHIP Tab is fine. MARTHA Um, just a Tab then. MAN Nope. MARTHA No. CHIP Pepsi lime? MARTHA Pepsi lime? MAN We have Coke. MARTHA They have Coke. CHIP New or classic? MARTHA Is it new or classic? MAN Just regular Coke. CHIP Okay, Schwepps, then, Schwepps. MARTHA Okay, just a Schwepps, then. MAN Did you say Schwepps? MARTHA Schwepps? CHIP Schwepps. MARTHA Yeah, Schwepps. MAN You're breaking up. Say it one more time. BOTH Schwepps. MAN I'm sorry, I heard two people. MARTHA Okay, Schwepps. MAN Say that again. CHIP Schwepps! It's a Schwepps! Can I be over there, please? You don't know what you're doing. MAN Welcome to Que Rico. Can I take your order? CHIP You have any milk water, like a Yoo-hoo? MAN We don't have that. CHIP Anything from the Slice family? MAN Don't have it. CHIP Anything from the Welch's family? MAN No. CHIP Do you have anything that has any kind of baja blast in it, whether it be Mountain Dew, Pepsi, anything? MAN Again, no, sir. CHIP I'll just take a water, then. MAN Please pull forward to the next window. MARTHA Ooh. Oh, shit. MARTHA So this is where you live? CHIP Yep. It's only permanent. MARTHA Huh. Well, okay, I will, um, let you know the progress on your scooter. CHIP Okay, thanks. Aah. Thanks for everything. MARTHA Sure. You left all your stuff. CHIP Right. Right. Sorry. Knee jerk reaction. MAN So I filled my F-1 when I pulled into the gas station the other day. $4.35 per gallon. Nice, guys. He's gonna take me on a date before he bent me over. MARTHA It's Martha. CHIP Martha from where? MARTHA Uh, Martha from insurance. CHIP Hold on. Let me grab something. MARTHA Ooh, sorry. CHIP Hi, Martha from...Oh. MARTHA Um... CHIP You never seen a man in Spanx before? MARTHA No, um, sorry I interrupted your private time. Um, I just-- I just wanted to, uh, give you a progress report on your scooter. CHIP Oh. And what is that? MARTHA Um, no actual progress yet. We're still waiting. CHIP Okay, good. Great. MARTHA So I was thinking maybe I could give you a ride. MARTHA So, where are we going? CHIP We're going to my Mom's to get that $40, since your nephew and niece didn't come through. MARTHA Okay . CHIP Isn't that great? I'm borrowing $40 from my mom at my age. MARTHA I wouldn't worry about it. That's what mothers are for. CHIP Do you just sit around all day thinking of nice things to say to people? MARTHA Well, it's not necessarily during the day, but I do like to be nice to people. You should try it. CHIP I like how you... took a shower curtain and made it into a dress. MARTHA Well, it's not a shower curtain, but thank you. CHIP It looks like a shower curtain. I was just trying to be nice. MRS BASKETS You seem like a nice girl, Martha. MARTHA Thank you, Mrs. Baskets. MRS BASKETS Mm-hmm. How long have you been going with Chip? CHIP Mm-mm-mm-mm. MARTHA Oh, we're-- We're not-- CHIP Mm-mm. MRS BASKETS Oh! If anyone saw you on the street, they would think you're a couple. MARTHA There's no sex vibe between us. MRS BASKETS No? MARTHA No. MRS BASKETS Did he tell you he's a clown? MARTHA No. So, what kind of clown are you? CHIP Just like a clown that does the-- Entertain-- That does things in a more-- In a different take on clowning. MRS BASKETS Not even with Ringling Brothers. MARTHA Wow. MRS BASKETS Rodeo. Went to Europe to go to school. To be a clown. CHIP In France. In Europe. MRS BASKETS Europe. It's in Europe. CHIP No, I know, but some people don't know. MRS BASKETS Oh. Hm. Ooh. That hit the spot. Anyway... CHIP Can I, um... MRS BASKETS I just want Chip to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. So he wanted to go to clown college, I said okay. Do you know how much that school was in Paris? I paid in Euros, so I don't know exactly how much it was, but there were a lot of Euros on that check. He's always got to go to the bathroom. Whenever there's anything, he runs right in there. I hope he doesn't take all the toilet paper off the roll. I hate when he does that. But I have hundreds of rolls of toilet paper 'cause I've been to Costco. Here's Chip and his brother. MARTHA Oh, are they twins? MRS BASKETS Yes, my first set of twins. MARTHA Wow, you had more than one set of twins? MRS BASKETS I did. MARTHA Wow. MRS BASKETS The other ones are right here. And they are something. He is a race car driver. He climbs Mt. Everest. They're gorgeous. They've got so many girlfriends. He's dating a model, I think. He runs through 'em like, you know, I run through cheese. You have a photo album of your family? MARTHA Uh, not on me. MRS BASKETS Mm-hmm. Well, who would carry it? Although, you do seem a little like a pack rat. Are you? MARTHA A little. MRS BASKETS I get that vibe from you. Well, don't become a hoarder. 'Cause once you do that, then you'll be on that show. And that's a picture of Ronald Reagan. MARTHA Oh. MRS BASKETS Next to a picture of me. MARTHA Oh, that's a good picture. MRS BASKETS And here are the twins when they were ski racers. MARTHA Now, are the-- Which twins are these? MRS BASKETS The adopted. MARTHA Okay. MRS BASKETS Chip and Dale never raced at all. They weren't fast. MARTHA Oh. MRS BASKETS And then, uh... CHIP I've got... uh, I'm gonna go. MRS BASKETS Oh. CHIP Thanks for the muffins, the hospitality, and thanks for wasting money on me all these years. I'm gonna take off. Martha. Come on. MRS BASKETS Well, you're gonna... MARTHA Sorry, Mrs. Baskets. MARTHA Wait, uh, wait. Did we get the money? CHIP We-- No, I didn't get the money. MARTHA Oh. CHIP I gotta go get it somewhere else. MARTHA Okay, where are we going? CHIP My brother's. MARTHA Okay. Is that easier? CHIP It's harder. MARTHA Oh. Well, what does your brother do? DALE Hello, I'm Dale Baskets. NARRATIVE TITLE Dale Baskets DALE Dean of Baskets Career College. I look forward to meeting you, and getting your career off to a great start. In this competitive job market, NARRATIVE TITLE education that matters DALE Bcc will give you the upper edge you need to make it out there. Sports Management. Cell Phone Repair. Learn how to become a legal guardian. Ice Cream Truck Repair. Ice Cream Truck Management. Learn to make homemade condiments. All kinds of chutneys. Gero-- Mm. Learn how to personalize your license plate. I did. DALE I just graduated with a degree in college management. Not only am I the dean, I'm also a student. And I'm also the janitor. Bcc, the place to be for me. And the place to be for you. Open to minorities. DALE I thought I smelled a ponytail. If it ain't my evil twin brother Chip. How you doin', Chip? CHIP Hey, Dale. DALE Did you like my commercial? Who's this? MARTHA Hi, I'm Martha. DALE Martha. Hey, Dale Baskets. Nice to meet you. Martha, Martha, Martha. There we go. Got it memorized. MARTHA Oh. DALE Yeah, if you just say the name three times. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Got it memorized. Dale, Dale, Dale. I'm kiddin'. I already know my name, of course. What do you need? CHIP Um, it's-- I need to-- MARTHA He needs to borrow-- CHIP I need to borrow some money. Please. DALE Oh, what a surprise. I'm being sarcastic. He's always lookin' for money. That's a cute top. Are you a real lesbian? MARTHA No. Thank you, though. DALE How much do you need? CHIP Four... $40. DALE What's it for, more clown makeup? He thinks he's tryin' to be a clown. CHIP I am a clown. DALE Well, if you're a clown, where's your red nose? CHIP Not all clowns need noses. DALE $40. There you go. CHIP Thank you. DALE You're welcome so much. It's so nice to meet you. I like that dress. Where did you get that? MARTHA Well, I got it from a-- DALE Thank you for stoppin' by, guys. MARTHA So this is your wife's place? CHIP Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You can just leave me here, Martha. I'll, uh, catch you later. MARTHA Okay. Are you still in love with her? CHIP Well, uh, she's not in love with me. That's, uh, the important thing. MARTHA Well, I've been there, Chip. Actually, um, I was in love with this guy who didn't-- He didn't feel the same, um-- Okay. Well, be in touch about your scooter. CHIP Have your, uh, 40-- I have your $40 for the HB-- I have your $40 for the HBO. PENELOPE Okay. Bye. CHIP Wait. Penelope. Wait, wait, wait. Thanks for waiting. Listen. Can you hear me? PENELOPE What? CHIP I was wondering-- If I-- If I quit clowning and get a job at Arby's or something like that, would you-- would you get back together with me? PENELOPE See you. CHIP Being a clown is the most important thing in the world to me. PENELOPE You look like a "cloon," but you are not a "cloon." CHIP I am a "cloon"! MONSIEUR Le Ronald McDonald. Ah! MRS BASKETS There were a lot of Euros on that check. DALE Oh, what a surprise. MARCUS Ladies and Gentlemen, now to sing the national anthem from the O.J. trial, Kato Kaelin. KATO Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light CHIP Hey, Marcus. MARCUS What-- What do you need? CHIP Can you, uh, put this on for me, please? MARCUS Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that? CHIP It's a-- I don't know what they call it, but this is my swan song. MARCUS Get it out of here, okay? CHIP No, no. I need you to put this through the P.A. system, please. MARCUS No, no, no, no. CHIP Shh, shh, I like this part. KATO And the rocket's red glare The bombs bursting... CHIP Okay, so, listen, just feed this through the P.A. system-- MARCUS Listen to me. No clown gets his own music, okay? CHIP Please do this for me once! MARCUS I can't put it on. CHIP I'm going through a lot in my life right now, and I need to bury a flower, please? Before I bloom again. Just put a spotlight on me and just-- You'll never see me again. MARCUS All right. CHIP Okay, this is my last... MARCUS Shh! CHIP ...clowning. MARCUS All right. Fine. KATO And the home of the... CHIP How's your wife, good? MARCUS Yeah, fine. KATO Brave. MAN You suck! WOMAN MAN Get off the stage! CROWD MARCUS Let's hear it for Baskets the clown, y'all! CROWD Baskets! Baskets! Baskets! LUCKY That was some weird-ass shit you did out there, Renoir, I love it. CHIP Thanks, Lucky. LUCKY All right. I'll be seein' you around. Take care of yourself. Oh, yeah, Ed. I quit, man. ED Okay. Well, I lost another clown. I told you they all quit. Since you stuck it out there so long, I guess you're head clown then now. Don't mean a whole lot. Couple of more bucks an hour. See you Saturday. CHIP Yeah, thanks, Eddie. ED One other thing. I don't care so much for all that-- Fi-la-di-da fancy France shit you did out there tonight. Just keep the bull hittin' you, and we'll do good. CHIP All right, Eddie. ED See you later, Renoir. CHIP It's Baskets. Baskets the clown. NARRATIVE TITLE fx presents NARRATIVE TITLE Baskets MARTHA Hey. CHIP Wow, Martha. Impressive. Thank you. MARTHA You're welcome. You know, I meant to tell you the other day, I lost my virginity at this motel. CHIP What room? MARTHA Um, 13. CHIP Okay, good. MARTHA I guess that's all our business together. Unless, if you wanted, I could, like, keep taking you places. CHIP No, thank you. But, uh-- But thank you. And thank you, but no, thank you. Thanks. MARTHA Okay. CHIP Thanks, Marcia. MARTHA Okay, well, bye. CHIP Yeah, I guess, uh, come by here and pick me up tomorrow around 8:00 a.m. MARTHA Okay. CHIP And you can, uh, polish my roller blades tomorrow, too. MRS BASKETS Here's one more picture I wanted you to see. This one. Ha, ha! Look at-- MARTHA That is, uh-- MRS BASKETS Chip, playing in a box. MARTHA Oh, that's cute. MRS BASKETS He's in a box. He thought it was a toy. MARTHA That's really cute. MRS BASKETS Yeah. You know? I should have known he was gonna be a clown. Look at him. Like, you know how an animal will play with a box? He was just like that. He's a little animal. MARTHA That's cute. How old is he there? MRS BASKETS Who knows?