ANDY ANNOUNCER APOLLO_13 ARGYLE ASTRONAUT_JIM BUSTER CARL_WEATHERS CHARETH_FLIRT CHILDREN COP DEBRIE DEBRIE_BARDEAUX DEBRIS DONNY_HIGH_SCHOOL_TEACHER EMMETT EMMETT_HOARDER FBI_AGENT GEORGE_MICHAEL GIRL_ASTRONAUT GOB GROUP GUARD GUARDS HERBERT_LOVE HOUSE_PILOT_DIRECTOR JOHN_BEARD JONAH_FEINBERG LINDSAY LOUISA LOVE LUCILLE LUCILLE_TWO MARKY MARK_CHERRY MARLA MICHAEL PREDATOR REBEL RECORDED_VOICE ROCKY_STUNTMAN RON SCANDALMAKERS SIGNS SINGERS TEXT TOBIAS TRAINING_CARL_WEATHERS WOMAN_IN_GROUP WOMAN_IN_RESTAURANT SIGNS AUSTERITY A FULL SERVICE WAY TO LIVE WITHOUT RON The Austerity Clinic was a well-known rehab… RON …facility that on this particular day was about to get a new therapist. TOBIAS Hello, everyone. I am Dr. Tobias Fünke, and I will be your therapist. GUARDS TOBIAS Yes, I’m getting to that. And I am also a registered sex offender. Now, let’s have a wrap about. I am here because Lucille Austero has given me the opportunity to pay my debt to society. I’m doing this pro bono, but that doesn’t make me anti the edge. RON Although technically it was society that owed him, as he was the victim… TEXT CAM 16 09:32:25 RON …of a merry mix-up. TEXT CAM 11 09:32:25 TOBIAS Is there a little girl here all by herself? Daddy needs to get his rocks-- RON We don't have to hear this again, but he was arrested, despite his innocence. TOBIAS Oh, hey, officers. Are you here for the raccoon? Oh, no! I’m not a raccoon! I’m-- SIGNS CAM 03 09:55:37 RON Because instead of asking for a lawyer … JOHN BEARD Because instead of asking for a lawyer, this creep chose to ask about… JOHN BEARD …a more pressing matter. TOBIAS Oh, is this going to be SAG or AFTRA? COP Get in there. RON And for the first time Tobias started to get recognized for his television work. TOBIAS Oh. No. Oh, no, no. That’s not representative of who I am. GUARD Anustart. TOBIAS Yep, that’s me. RON Fortunately, Tobias, who had once turned down an offer from Lucille Two… LUCILLE TWO How would you like to come work for me, at Austerity? TOBIAS Mmay-- No. RON …had, after a particularly vicious beating with a soup ladle, changed his tune, but didn’t wanna look too eager. TOBIAS Mmay-- Yes. TOBIAS I’m also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me… RON Prison had taught Tobias at least one thing … TOBIAS …a theralyst. Now, let’s have a wrap about, and what we’ll do is just take a comfy pose. I want everybody just to sit back and relax where they are and let’s learn about each other, and let’s find out about each-- Oh, my goodness. Wow. Well, uh, it seems as if we are amongst royalty here. I-- I’m sorry. How old are you? MARK CHERRY Twenty three. TOBIAS Ah. Well within my rights. Yes, why don’t you, uh, take the comfortable chair, and, um-- And we’re gonna start with you. And please, first names only. MARK CHERRY Hi, I’m Mark. TOBIAS Mark Cherry. We all know that. But-- But please, first names only. MARK CHERRY Mark is my first name. Cherry’s my last name. TOBIAS Oh, and Simon says you’re out! No. No, Mark Cherry, I was-- I was having fun. I-- I have a bit of a wit. Sometimes I have to tell people, ‘cause they can’t figure it out from when I say the things that I-- But, please, Mr. Cherry, first names only. MARK CHERRY So I got involved with drugs and there were bees and drinking and I just decided it was time to get away. In fact-- GROUP Go away, Getaway. Get away, Getaway. Go away, Getaway. TOBIAS All right, all right. All right. We’re not doing a musical here. MARK CHERRY Thank you. TOBIAS You’re hopeless, hopeless And speaking of hopeless, I think we all recognize this gentleman. EMMETT I’m not Andy Richter. I’m Emmett. RON Although he was Andy's… TEXT DONNY HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER TEXT ROCKY STUNTMAN / UNDERCOVER COP TEXT ANDY CO-STAR “MICHAEL B PROJECT” TALK SHOW SIDEKICK TEXT EMMETT HOARDER / SHY TEXT CHARETH FLIRT RON …identical quintuplet brother. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t allow us to show his face on camera. TOBIAS Emmett… TOBIAS …who? EMMETT Richter. TOBIAS Simon says you’re out! No, I’m being witty. What--? What’s wrong with you? EMMETT I hoard. TOBIAS Now that’s what we call a breakthrough. First sign of a breakthrough. RON And that's when a patient entered that was also looking for a new start … DEBRIE Sorry I’m late, everybody. TOBIAS Debrie! RON And found one. DEBRIE Tobias. TOBIAS I-- I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. Yeah, you look great. Very, very healthy. DEBRIE Yeah, I haven’t had anything for six weeks. Mark C, uh, checked me in. That’s Mark Cherry. TOBIAS I know! RON After a particularly devastating night of hard partying… RON …in Malibu … DEBRIE / WOMEN / ENTOURAGE DEBRIE MARK CHERRY She reminds me of my grandma. MARK CHERRY Like a-- A real sick version. DEBRIE So sweet. So how are you? TOBIAS Good. Gosh, great. Yes. Uh, after you left, I-- I booked a guestie on a hidden camera show. I-- Could you give me one second to organically get-- And I’m also a registered sex offender. How are you? DEBRIE Uh. Oh. ARGYLE So you two know each other? TOBIAS Yes, we do. We-- We were a couple of sorts. Uh, or are--? Are a couple, or I, uh--? ARGYLE Do you have time for a chat? TOBIAS Uh, yes. Excuse me. RON And that’s when Argyle Austero, the director of the clinic… RON …could no longer hold his tongue. ARGYLE If you and Debrie had a previous relationship, there is no way you can be her therapist. TOBIAS But I love her. Uh, surely there must be some way we can be together. ARGYLE I’m sorry. I can’t allow it. Sobriety is too important. I am only sober because musical theatre saved my life. TOBIAS Is that right? ARGYLE Mm-hm. TOBIAS I-- I’m somewhat of an actor myself. I just had something on the air three weeks ago. It wasn’t as myself, but whatever fills out the reel, yes? TEXT TOBIAS FÜNKE SIGNS ON CAMERA TEXT FRIGHTENED INMATE #2 RELEASED FROM FINAL CAST DUE TO CREATIVE DIFFERENCES TOBIAS I ain’t no squealer. TEXT SCANDALMAKERS “GEORGE SR.” ANNOUNCER --escaped to the country. TEXT SCANDALMAKERS “FRIGHTENED FBI AGENT #2” TOBIAS Mr. Weathers, Carl Weathers. FBI AGENT Carl Weathers. TEXT “THIS JEW IS… PITIFUL!...” HIS WORD MAGAZINE TEXT AND AS IT IS SUCH SO ALSO SUCH IS IT UNTO YOU “A JEW” HOUSETEXT AUDITIONS! TEXT HOUSE PILOT DIRECTOR T. FÜNKE TOBIAS I’ve come here as soon as I could. I’m Dr. House, and it’s called GVH. The graft is rejecting the host! TEXT AS HIMSELF! TO CATCH A LOCAL PREDATORTOBIAS Uh oh. TEXT TRAINING CARL WEATHERS PREDATOR TOBIAS You know, we could put on a musical. This place is littered with talent. I could direct. We could get Mark Cherry to do the music, and we can cast it with patients. RON It was a desperate attempt to get to be with the woman he loved. But Argyle had a professional responsibility… ARGYLE I don’t know if I want to risk patients’ sobriety with that kind of pressure. RON But like a dog's wagging tail, Argyle's tapping feet betrayed his true feelings. TOBIAS Well, well, when it comes to Debrie, you don’t have to worry about her being under pressure, because she’s a professional actress. TEXT TRAINING CARL WEATHERS RON Which also made its way onto Tobias' reel for some reason. TEXT CELEBRITIES I KNOW TEXT CARL WEATHERS TEXT DEBRIE BARDEAUX TOBIAS She was in the movie The Fantastic Four. ARGYLE Oh, my God. I was in The Fantasticks. TOBIAS Wha--? ARGYLE I, uh-- FANTASTICKS SIGNS THE FANTASTICKS TOBIAS Look at that. I-- ARGYLE My sister and I played the young lovers. TOBIAS Yeah. ARGYLE I can see it shining somewhere TOBIAS Shining somehow-- Somewhere ARGYLE And I’m ready, I can see it, shining somewhere. TOBIAS Ready, I can see to shine RON It was uncanny how much the two men had in common. ARGYLE They used to call me Mr. Fantastic. SINGERS Mr. F! TOBIAS Wait a minute, Debrie played Sue Storm, you played Mr. Fantastic, I have a suit made of rocks, if I can get it back from the State of California. We shall mount a musical of the Fantastic Four. ARGYLE I don’t like it. I love it! TOBIAS Huzzah! ARGYLE I can hear it, si-- TOBIAS I can hear, sing it, while-- Yes. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son-in-law who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Tobias’ Arrested Development. SIGNS AUSTERITY A FULL SERVICE WAY TO LIVE WITHOUT RON Tobias had found a way to spend time… RON …with the woman he loved. TOBIAS Please, Debrie, you’ve got to do this. DEBRIE I don’t know. I feel so uncomfortable. RON Now he just had to talk her into it. TOBIAS I mean, this could be good for you. And it could be a huge hit, and it’s really the only way they’re gonna keep us together. They won’t let me be your therapist, but they’ll let me be your director. I want the world to be able to see this angel face. DEBRIE Uh-- TOBIAS Oop. Oh, dear. Well, it’s a good luck sign on Broadway. On the East Coast, it’s “break a leg”, on the West Coast, it’s “lose a tooth”. Let’s get you some epoxy. RON And so, excited that he'd found a way to both be with Debrie… RON …and help her recovery… TOBIAS Beard? RON …Tobias went… RON … to Sudden Valley. TOBIAS Beard, I’m only here to pick up my car keys. GOB Tobias? TOBIAS Gob? GOB Ah, good to see you, old friend. What have you been up to? TOBIAS Oh, uh, things are good. Nothing much. I’m a registered sex offender, but things are good. GOB Yes, yes. TOBIAS And I’m working at Lucille Two’s rehab center, the one she owns, not the one she famously went to twelve times. GOB Can we finish this up over breakfast? I’m starving. TOBIAS Oh, is it finishing? Okay. RON And the two friends caught up. TOBIAS But if I wouldn’t have gotten arrested, I wouldn’t have ended up working at the rehab, and I wouldn’t have reconnected with my love. True, I can’t ethically ravage her body, I have to leave that to time, but she’s just so much to be with. GOB I too am in a relationship, but this person is sort of a celebrity. TOBIAS Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself. GOB Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us. Except that I’m broke. TOBIAS And I’m a sex offender. GOB Michael expects me to sell these split-level deathtraps. And how am I supposed to do that? I mean, there are no schools or libraries or internet or playgrounds within twenty miles of here. TOBIAS You know, it’s funny, I’ve been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have. GOB That’s great. When can you move in? TOBIAS Uh, duh. Now. RON And with his living arrangements taken care of… RON …Tobias returned to his court-appointed work release… TOBIAS People! One, two, three, four, five, six. Ladies and gentlemen, a workshop is not a playground. RON And so began an intense workshop to create the Fantastic Four musical, written and directed by Tobias. SIGNS FANTASTIC 4 TOBIAS FÜNKE TOBIAS Now, the script is in process, but the goal is that we all get a little outing on the Cinco del Cuatro where we’ll be performing it on a boat. I hope no one gets seasick. Okay. And Mark Cherry is going to be doing the music for us. MARK CHERRY And this’ll make my stay shorter, right? I’ll get out of here a week sooner? ARGYLE Well, sobriety is the most important thing, but we’ll see how good the music is. RON Tobias inspired the troops. TOBIAS All right, let’s get up! Let’s do intensive flounce. Intensive flounce. Loosen up. Loosen up. Very good. Very good. RON And after some initial trepidation Argyle set to work with the choreography. ARGYLE Back, step. Out, back, step. TOBIAS Back, step. Out, back, step. ARGYLE Try that. Out, back, step. Shuffle, ball change. Good. Shuffle, step, shuffle, step, shuffle, ball change, shuffle step. RON And even though Debrie had some trouble with the choreography at first … DEBRIE Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God. TOBIAS All you all right? DEBRIE Yes. TOBIAS Baby steps, Argyle. She’s brittle. ARGYLE Tobias, it does not get babier than this. DEBRIE Maybe I can’t do this. TOBIAS You can do it. MARLA Tobias, I can do. I used to be a hoofer. TOBIAS Don’t-- Well, now you’re a huffer, and that’s-- RON If dancing wasn’t her strength, Tobias had no doubt she’d wow them with her show-stopping solo. DEBRIE I don’t want to be invisible. I don’t want to be invisible. I don’t want to be invisible anymore. TOBIAS All right, good. Okay, good. Well, get out there. All right. Okay. Oh, I like this, too. I-- Oh, where’s Argyle? She’s choreographing. Let’s all do it, too. And we’ll just follow her lead. When she comes up, we’ll come up as a group. So, Debrie, when you come up, we shall rise with you. DEBRIE TOBIAS Go with her! Go! Follow her. Follow her! TOBIAS Go! Am I crazy or is this really good? RECORDED VOICE I’m gonna stomp all over your face. Even if my heart won’t snap back into place. DEBRIE I’m gonna stomp all over your face. Even though my st-- Heart won’t snap back into place. Fantastic Four! I can’t do it. I can’t do-- TOBIAS It’s good, it’s great. No, you’re great. The problem is with you. See, you keep writing this infantile, ridiculous melody over and over and over again. And I-- I say that as your director. As your therapist, I’m-- I’m happy that you’re expressing yourself. But as a director, I don’t have to like it, and I don’t. But also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But also, no. RON And as the music evolved, so did Debrie's confidence… GROUP Ooh, baby. DEBRIE Tobias? I just do this now. Just-- One. One move. TOBIAS Let’s work with that. Let’s use that. Good. DEBRIE Or no move. TOBIAS The-- The power. ARGYLE And she’s disappearing as we dance. And a big finish right to her. TOBIAS Yeah. DEBRIE Tobias, it’s bleeding again. RON And with the evidence tag off… RON …the rock monster suit, the project was coming halfway to life. EMMETT Fantastic One. GROUP One. Fantastic Two. TOBIAS Fantastic Three. GROUP Fantastic Three. Fantastic Four. DEBRIE TOBIAS Am I crazy or is this good? ARGYLE It’s really good. But we need some more money. RON And then Tobias asked the question that nobody was thinking. TOBIAS How much would it cost to do this right? I mean really right? ARGYLE To do a Broadway-level production of the eight minutes we have right now? TOBIAS Ballpark. ARGYLE Seven hundred thousand dollars. TOBIAS Hey! I can whistle. Ooh, we have to use that in the show. Now what if, say, I could raise between fifty and a hundred dollars? How much of the remainder could you generate? ARGYLE Well, if my sister could call in some debts, probably all of it. TOBIAS Oh. ARGYLE But that means we’d have to use the Cinco show as a preview and she would want to know that we have the rights. TOBIAS Of course. Of course. DEBRIE What do you mean? We don’t have the rights? GROUP TOBIAS Well, not yet. Not yet, but I was going to ask you about that. Who produced the one you were in? DEBRIE Uh, I think it’s uh-- Imagine Generic. Ron Howard’s company. RON Imagine Generic… SIGNS IMAGINE GENERIC RON …was a division set up to… TEXT APOLLO 13 RON …extend the rights to films that studios weren't prepared to make yet. GIRL ASTRONAUT I think it’s his way of punishing us for loving each other so much. I just hope the three of us make it back. ASTRONAUT JIM Three of us? Houston, we’re having a baby. TEXT THE END DEBRIE I don’t want to get arrested again… DEBRIE …because we don’t have the rights. GROUP TOBIAS Okay, no, don’t-- All right. Wait, no, no, all right. Settle down. Settle down. This has happened to every Broadway show in the history of Broadway shows, and I swear I shall acquire the rights. RON So Tobias went to do so, as Argyle set a dinner date with his sister at the… RON …Balboa Club… MICHAEL Imagine Entertainment. HERBERT LOVE Oh, is that Ron Howard’s company? RON …on the same night that Michael's date Rebel was finding her father's character under attack. REBEL I just wanna say that, uh, Ron is not like that at all. He’s actually a really great guy. In fact, he’s almost too generous. RON Of course Michael thought Ron was Rebel's boyfriend. MICHAEL Sounds like the Ron Howard man of the year awards, though, you know? RON And the evening broke up of its own accord. HERBERT LOVE …beautiful American ocean. REBEL My son is sick, so-- MICHAEL Oh, no. REBEL I have to go. MICHAEL Rebel, Rebel. Let me come. I’m great with kids. REBEL It-- It’s not about the kid. I-- I’m not comfortable here. MICHAEL Okay. Are you off to see him? REBEL Listen, if you’ve got a problem with me seeing other people, why don’t you just come out and say it? MICHAEL No, no, no, no, no. I can. What do you mean? I can handle that. We’ll see each other a la carte. You know? Like the eighteen-dollar baked potato you ordered that you didn’t touch. REBEL Yeah. You’re not comfortable. MICHAEL Yeah. No, well, listen-- Rebel? Rebel? Fine. See you later. Say hi to Ron Howard for me. RON And perhaps because neither Michael nor Lindsay could handle rejection, they blamed each other. MICHAEL Well, hope you’re happy. My girlfriend left ‘cause she can’t stand your right-wing American scallop-eating boyfriend. LINDSAY Well, he left because your chirpy little actress couldn’t keep her mouth shut. MICHAEL That’s it. You know what? You’re out of the movie. LINDSAY Fine. MICHAEL Good night. LINDSAY Good night. RON And with his evening freed up, Michael reached out to a son he'd earlier blown off. MICHAEL I gotta make a phone call. Take care. Good night. George Michael? Hey. Got out of it. I just-- I made a ton of people angry, but you know what I always say, family-- GEORGE MICHAEL Well, oh, gosh, you know, I really wanted to, uh, do that, but I just had this work thing come up, and, uh, it’s like-- It’s like you always say, family first, unless there’s a work thing and then work first. MICHAEL I have said that, too. I’ve got politics and producing stuff I can-- RON After being kicked out of his son's dorm and stood up at the Ealing Club, this particular rejection really hurt… MICHAEL Another time. RON …but he tried to put on a brave face when he ran into a woman he was in debt to. LUCILLE TWO Ooh! MICHAEL Hi. LUCILLE TWO This is Michael Bluth. MICHAEL Who is this? LUCILLE TWO Oh, this is my baby brother, Argyle. And here’s the family joke I’m a tall drink of water, and he’s the chaser. LUCILLE TWO / ARGYLE MICHAEL It should be flipped, right? ARGYLE No. Because here’s another joke you owe my sister seven hundred thousand dollars, and I’m going to chase you down until you pay up. MICHAEL Yeah, all right-- ARGYLE And if you don’t pay up by the fourth, you’re gonna be washin’ up with the rest of the broken piñatas on the fifth. WOMAN IN RESTAURANT Lucille! LUCILLE TWO Oh, hello. MICHAEL Who’s j-- Ow! Ow! God, what is on the bottom of those shoes? ARGYLE Taps. And I can tap dance all over your face, if you know what I mean. Even if my heart won’t snap back into place. MICHAEL I don’t know what you meant with the last part there. ARGYLE I’ll chase you down and find you, Michael. You can’t hide in a gorilla suit from me. SINGERS Mr. F. RON Argyle was wrong on that… SIGNS BALBOA BAY WINDOW THE MAGAZINE OF THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF LADIES WHO LUNCH SIGNS PROPOSITION APE LUCILLE BLUTH PROTESTS GAY MARRIAGE BY MARRYING A GORILLA SIGNS THE NEW NORMAL? RON ….count. It was Buster who wore the gorilla suit. ARGYLE He’s a producer, and he says he’ll pay up. ARGYLE Any progress on the rights? TOBIAS I’m in talks with Imagine. SIGNS IMAGINE ENTERTAINMENT RON Well, kinda. LOUISA Ron Howard’s office. TOBIAS Yes, this is Tobias Fünke. I’m a registered sex offender, and I’d like to talk to Ron-- ARGYLE Well, then, you’re gonna have to work with our new patient and good luck with her. We call her the B-word from the C-ward. Or is the C-word from the B-ward? RON And that's when Tobias got some more bad news. LUCILLE Hello, Anustart. RON And she never even saw the license plate. RON Tobias had no way of being around Debrie without the rights to Fantastic Four. And that's when he ran into an equally worried Michael. MICHAEL You okay? TOBIAS Michael! What a pleasant surprise. Please, make yourself at home. MICHAEL I am. I’m home. This is my-- I own all the homes here, actually, and Gob’s supposed to be selling these, so-- Where is he? Do you know? TOBIAS Oh, out and about. Me doth think he hath a lady. As doth I dooth. MICHAEL Oh. TOBIAS And they’re both bit of a celebrities. MICHAEL Well, that is odd, because I-- I’m also dating a celebrity. TOBIAS Oh, perchance a double date is in our future, eh, brother-in-law? MICHAEL I don’t know-- TOBIAS Tell me about her. MICHAEL I-- You know, I don’t-- I don’t think that-- That you’re the best one to talk to about my relationship difficulties. TOBIAS Fair enough. It’s only what I do for a living, Michael. What I’m trained to do. MICHAEL Well, let me-- Let me tell you a little bit about her, um-- TOBIAS Okay. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… MICHAEL So it’s a simple choice, really. If I keep seeing her, he’ll find out and kill the movie, so I either keep the girl and lose the movie, or I keep the movie, lose the girl. The whole reason that I did the movie was to get the girl. It’s… TOBIAS Michael, I appreciate your bravery, and I know everything seems doomed now, and believe me, I’m in a similar situation myself, but trust me, we are . We are . MICHAEL Oh, . TOBIAS I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens. But no, the best thing to do is just walk away, and we’ll lick each other’s wounds. I guess I’m just going to have to give up my dream and my love forever. MICHAEL I think I should just go tell Ron Howard that it is over. TOBIAS Yes. Ro-- Uh, Ron Howard? Ron Howard’s making this movie? MICHAEL Yeah. TOBIAS Michael, you can’t just walk away from this, you have to go talk to him. MICHAEL You just told me the exact opposite. TOBIAS Reverse psychology. It didn’t work. How’s this? What I’m going to do for you, Michael, is I am going to go there with you, for moral support. And I will act as your assistant. And maybe I’ll do my famous gay character. I don’t think you’ve seen that character. MICHAEL I think I have. TOBIAS MICHAEL, I don’t think so. SIGNS IMAGINE ENTERTAINMENT RON The next day, Michael… RON …sat down for a one-minute meeting with Ron Howard at Imagine. MICHAEL Hey there, Ron. Hi. Thank you for seeing me. RON Oh, well, that’s fine. But I should warn you this is what I call a haircut meeting, so we probably don’t have much time. MICHAEL Okay. FLOYD It would be so much better if we could just lose the baseball cap. RON We go through this every time. This is a hat on haircut, so you just cut what they can see. You got it, Floyd? I call all my barbers Floyd. MICHAEL I’m gonna make this quick. TOBIAS Are you not going to introduce me? MICHAEL Thought you were gonna wait in the lobby. TOBIAS Tobias Fünke. I am a producer as well. MICHAEL Hey. TOBIAS And, well, I’m also an actor. That’s probably what confused you. Um, I’ve done several inmate roles as well as a couple of And As It Such So Also As Such Is It Unto You’s. But I’ll get to you after. RON Well, that’s, uh, terrific. You notice that he’s already on my neck hair? MICHAEL Yes. Last time I was in here, we talked about I wouldn’t come back until I had all the release signatures. I wanted to give you an update on that. RON Terrific. You could just leave ‘em on Louise’s desk. MICHAEL Would--? Uh, but that, uh, that’s the update. I don’t have them. FLOYD Done. RON Okay, well, thanks for comin’. MICHAEL Well, um-- TOBIAS Don’t you have something else you wanted to say? MICHAEL Yeah. TOBIAS If not, I’ll do mine. MICHAEL Yeah. No, no, no. What? I don’t-- Ron, I care about someone deeply, and I think that you may also care about this person. RON Hey, that’s terrific. MICHAEL It’s Rebel. Rebel Alley. And she thinks that you’re gonna always be in her life. RON I’m glad to know she thinks that. MICHAEL Yeah. TOBIAS Tell him how you feel about her. MICHAEL Yeah, I-- You know, I’m crazy about her, and I-- I’m just not gonna be able to do anything about that until you let her go. RON She’s my little num num. MICHAEL Sure. RON You understand what I’m saying? MICHAEL Of course. RON I-- I’ve changed her, I’ve bathed her. MICHAEL Well, okay. TOBIAS Well, now you wanna bathe her. MICHAEL Yeah, it’s my-- It’s my time to bathe her. TOBIAS She should be your num num. MICHAEL She should be my num num, and you gotta just let her go, I think, once and for all. RON You know, a father doesn’t really like to hear that when it comes to his daughter. TOBIAS I haven’t had a chance to talk to her father. MICHAEL Yeah, I have-- I have not yet had a chance to talk to her father, but-- TOBIAS No, no. I was-- I was saying that. Because you are talking to her father. So… RON Did you not know that I’m Rebel’s dad? MICHAEL I knew that part. But I-- I also I thought that-- That-- That you might also be her-- TOBIAS Her lover? MICHAEL No. TOBIAS Well, this is hardly an episode of Happy Days. I get it. I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to. Now, about my project it’s a family piece-- MICHAEL Does this mean our project is dead? RON Listen, I never let personal matters interfere with business, however, you should know she’s dating someone else, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again. MICHAEL Incredibly fair of you. TOBIAS Well, that was a merry mix-up, eh? Now about my project it’s based on something that you produced in ’92, The Fantastic Four. RON Well, that was a favor that I did for Fox. TOBIAS Well, it turns out that one of the leads, Debrie, played Sue Storm. In fact, she’s the leading lady in my production of Fantastic Four The Musical. Which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen, and then I’d owe you one. RON Well, uh, thanks, but, um, I couldn’t do that. TOBIAS It-- It would just be so incredibly meaning and-- And-- And change so many lives. RON I can’t do it, but I also don’t want to. TOBIAS Hmm. You are ruining my life, Ron Howard! You are ruining-- MICHAEL No, no, no! TOBIAS I’m gonna start wearing a hat when I get my hair cut, too. MICHAEL What is wrong with you? You knew that Ron Howard was Rebel Alley’s father? TOBIAS Yes. Everyone does. I didn’t realize that’s who you thought the other man was. But the good news is, at least one of our projects is still going. Which, by the way, I haven’t signed this yet. Should I? MICHAEL Yes. Absolutely. Thank you. TOBIAS Okay. My movie rights. Tobias “Onyango” Fünke. MICHAEL Initial down here. TOBIAS This is exciting. MICHAEL Thank you. You’re out of the movie. RON Tobias was defeated. ARGYLE And the most important thing, we must never be distracted by because musical theatre saved my life. RON Without the play, he'd lose Debrie from his life. But he'd made his bed and he had no choice but to lie in it. ARGYLE He’s back. TOBIAS I got the rights. ARGYLE Oh! GROUP TOBIAS We’re gonna make the musical. RON Or just lie. TOBIAS Yay! DEBRIE Yay! TOBIAS Yay. DEBRIE Yay. Yay. TOBIAS Yay. DEBRIE I don’t wanna be invisible. DEBRIE / GROUP Invisible, invisible, invisible, invisible… RON And so the group went into their final rehearsal process, and although Debrie still had butterflies and worms, the play did have a new backer who had a few notes. TOBIAS Yes! LUCILLE Is anyone gonna tell her she needs to lose weight? Because I’m not buying invisible, and you don’t want to be out there on a raft that’s listing. DEBRIE No one can reach me. ARGYLE I can reach you. DEBRIE No one can reach me. ARGYLE I can reach you. RON Yes, Lucille had found someone to mother. DEBRIE No one can reach me. LUCILLE No one can reach me? Is that how she’s gonna say that line? No one can reach me? DEBRIE I-- RON But all the pressure was compelling Debrie to think about a slip. GROUP Fantastic Four. LUCILLE Maybe they should retitle this Fantastic Three and Lousy One. DEBRIE Oh, it’s my bad. I did-- TOBIAS Oh, Debrie! WOMAN IN GROUP Oh, is she all right? DEBRIE My ankle or knee. WOMAN IN GROUP You okay? DEBRIE I think I need some drugs. TOBIAS No, it’s okay. That’s okay. No drugs are necessary. We all want drugs, but that’s a no-no. Yes? SIGNS CINCO DE CUATRO RON And soon it was the night of their big show and Tobias and his rag-tag troupe of substance abusers showed up for their big moment on stage. LUCILLE In case you didn’t know, the stage adds seven pounds. Two words diet pills. DEBRIE Do you have any? TOBIAS Lucille, please. Okay, fan four. Company meeting. Now, I know everybody has made a commitment to stay in the program for at least thirty more days, but I think we can all afford one night of intense pressure, yes? ARGYLE We’re all hoofers. We can take the pressure, huh? TOBIAS Argyle! Not helping. Okay? Does anybody have any questions? EMMETT Yeah, I got a question. You’re sure the Hispanic community is okay with all of this? TOBIAS Hmm. I’m sure they think of this as an homage. Yes. Okay, well, I’m gonna go put on my rock monster outfit and pass out some flyers. You can take any boat to the float. DEBRIE Oh, Tobias. I don’t think I can do this. TOBIAS You can do anything I want you to do. And-- And you want to do as well. I-- We need this. I-- I mean, this will make all our old dreams come true. DEBRIE But maybe they’re old for a reason. TOBIAS No, you’re focusing on the wrong words. If we can get through tonight, Debrie, we can get through anything. All right? Don’t worry about it. The audience will be completely drunk, and if we’re not perfect, they’ll take it out on us, but that’s why you’re gonna be perfect. You have to be perfect. Okay. All right. RON But Tobias was about to discover a situation that was less than perfect. CHILDREN TOBIAS Oh no. I-- What? Oh no. Who would bring kids here? This is no place to-- I’m a registered sex offender. All right. I’m a regist-- I’m-- I’m a registered sex offender. I’m a registered sex offender. I’m Tobias Fünke, registered sex-- Sex offender. Registered sex offender. Registered sex offender. Registered sex offender. RON Tobias knew that wearing the Thing outfit would only make him more recognizable, so he was at a loss. TOBIAS Yeah. RON Debrie was also at a loss. Feeling frightened and fragile, she tried to keep it together in a very slippery place. DEBRIE Okay. Okay. Just look at the water. The calm water. RON And she probably would have made it, if the calming waves she was looking at weren't down-current from where Dr. Norman was flushing away the remains of his medical career. RON And so Debrie who had been in the safe harbor of a drug-free zone found herself in the free drug zone of an unsafe harbor. RON And that's when fate dealt Tobias a new hand. TOBIAS Buster! Oh, thank God. I need your help. I’ve got a show to do in ten minutes, and I haven’t got a Thing to wear. This Thing suit. It’s all pre-recorded, and the dance is simplicity itself. RON And that's how Buster was drafted to be in Tobias' musical. TOBIAS You’re a monster. You don’t have to be any good. BUSTER What? RON It wasn’t a great choice of words. TOBIAS Butch it up and Thing your heart out. RON Having recast the Thing, Tobias returned to check on his leading lady. SIGNS DEBRIS TOBIAS Debrie? No, I’m looking for a woman named Debrie. Debrie! DEBRIE Fantastic Four! TOBIAS Have you been drinking? DEBRIE Oh. No. It’s pills. TOBIAS Oh, God. How could you do this to me? Or did I do this to you? DEBRIE You to me. TOBIAS I should’ve left you happy and healthy and sober in that rehab instead of trying to rekindle the career that brought you there in the first place. DEBRIE Aw. LUCILLE TWO Is she drunk? TOBIAS Uh, no. DEBRIE It’s pills. TOBIAS Eh. LUCILLE TWO Can I talk to you for a second? TOBIAS Yes. Uh, yes. Yes. LUCILLE TWO That is unacceptable. Patients doing pills on a literal pile of garbage? That’s not what we’re about at Austerity. Where’s Argyle? It’s his ass-- TOBIAS I can’t let you blame Argyle for this. It would destroy his confidence, and he’s a little shaky on the lyrics as it is. He’s not very good. LUCILLE TWO Fine. Then I blame you. Someone has to pay for this. You’re putting Austerity in jeopardy. You’re out! TOBIAS No. Don’t fire me. I’m on a work release program. If you fire me, then I have to go back to prison. I can’t go to prison. And you’re investing in this show. What if we get killer notices? LUCILLE TWO We’ll talk about it on Monday. Now get rid of her. Before someone sees her with their camera phone. You know they have those nowadays? TOBIAS So I’ve got until Monday to fix this. That red-haired lady can’t throw her wad at that guy. Oh, Debrie. RON But on the other side of the dumpster, things hadn’t been so laughable. JONAH FEINBERG Hi, honey. DEBRIE Don’t hurt me. JONAH FEINBERG Are you in the play? DEBRIE Yeah. JONAH FEINBERG What is the play, honey? DEBRIE Fantastic Three! And Lousy One. So four. JONAH FEINBERG Four. DEBRIE Yeah. JONAH FEINBERG And who do you play? DEBRIE Sue Storm. JONAH FEINBERG Okay, Sue Storm and The Fantastic Four are both trademarked by the Marvel Entertainment LLC. This is a cease and desist letter. If you violate it, you will go to prison for a long, long time. And you certainly can’t wear a four in a logo. RON In fact, it wasn't even Marvel that owned the four in a circle. It… SIGNS 4 FEINBERG FEINBERG FEINBERG & FEINBERG RON …was trademarked by the Four Feinbergs. JONAH FEINBERG Hey, can… JONAH FEINBERG anyone just throw one of those little Mexican guitars off the dock? DEBRIE I don’t wanna go to prison. JONAH FEINBERG I’m gonna do it. TOBIAS Well, Lucille Two has threatened me with prison, but it’s gonna take more than one prison threat to-- Oh. You got one, too. Well, universe, you seem to be putting up all sorts of walls between me and my dreams today. Well, if we have any chance of beating this, it’s by putting on the best show possible. A real wowser. I just need to find a Sue Storm. Guess I’ll need this. Before I go any further with this, there’s no way a hot cup of coffee and a glass of the-show-must-go-on spirit will encourage you in any way, will it? DEBRIE Let me die. TOBIAS No. You are not in any shape to go out and perform tonight. RON Tobias knew he couldn't leave Debrie in the trash in a highly trafficked area, but also knew he had a show to put on… SIGNS FANTASTIC FOUR IN 15 MINUTES NO KIDS! RON …and so he went off to search for any Sue Storm in the port and when the search proved unsuccessful, he… RON …ended up finding one inside himself. TOBIAS Time to channel my inner Storm. RON And because he didn't have the costume, he created one out of some makeup he’d always had in case he got a call, and perhaps it was his muscle memory that led to this. TOBIAS Tobias, what are you doing? Oh, pardon the mess. I just blue myself for the first time in five years. TOBIAS Excuse me. Make way for Sue Storm. RON And the now almost invisible, invisible girl, got on the boat to head to the floating stage. Unfortunately, and not for the first time, Tobias got on the wrong boat, except this one was piloted by a man who not only expected a woman in disguise, but also had a real bad case of face blindness, and as it turned out, the woman he was expecting… LINDSAY Put up this wall! Put up this wall! Put up this wall! SIGNS LOVE RON …had just given a rousing speech and joined the Love campaign as they took the message that Marky had vowed to torpedo to the sea. TOBIAS I think this is going to make quite a splash. MARKY Oh, I know it is. RON On the next Arrested Development... SIGNS POOF! FIST ARGYLE I can reach you. I can reach you. GROUP No one can reach me. No one can reach me. TOBIAS Don’t want to be… GROUP Invisible, invisible, invisible, oh, oh. It’s not who we were. It’s not who we were. RON After weeks of rehearsal it becomes clear that the unauthorized Fantastic Four musical does not look like it's going to Broadway. But since they worked so hard we're going to run credits over it. GROUP I’m gonna stomp all over your face. Even if my heart won’t snap back into place. Invisible, oh, oh, oh. Invisible, oh, oh, oh. Invisible, oh, oh, oh. TOBIAS Invisible. GROUP Fantastic Two! Fantastic Two! Fantastic Three! Fantastic Three! Fantastic Four! It’s not who we were. It’s not who we were. It’s just who we are. EMMETT The only thing that can destroy me! Water! ARGYLE Nice ad lib. EMMETT Not an ad lib! I can’t swim! GROUP In your face TOBIAS