ANN CLERK DAVE FATHER_MARSALA GENE GEORGE_MICHAEL GOB GREGORY LUCILLE LUCILLE_2 MEN MICHAEL REBEL RON SALLY SIGNS SIRI STEVE_HOLT TAYLOR TEXT TOBIAS TONY VALET VOICES RON Gob Bluth had just been told by his father to go work for his younger brother. GOB And then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last forty years! RON In fact, it was a brother with whom Gob was secretly competitive with. MICHAEL Hey, hey, hey, I got the right of way! GOB No. MICHAEL Okay. Ha-ha-ha. RON And perhaps it was that sense of competition… RON …that led to this tinkling match. GOB I met someone. Can't really give you any information, kind of famous-y. MICHAEL I also met someone. Also famous. I can't give you any information. GOB Is it Julie Bowen? MICHAEL No, it’s not--. Is yours Julie Bowen? GOB No, is yours Julie--. Oh, my God, Michael, you're seeing Julie Bowen? MICHAEL I am not seeing Julie Bowen, but if you are you tell me right now! GOB I want to hear you say the words "I'm not seeing Julie Bowen." MICHAEL I have not seen Julie Bowen. GOB Well, that's a funny way to phrase it, from someone who's clearly seeing Julie Bowen. RON This went on for some time, but eventually they started talking business. MICHAEL So no one is seeing Julie Bowen. GOB No one in this little group is seeing Julie Bowen. MICHAEL If it wasn’t for the movie thing, I would do it myself. They practically sell themselves. You just gotta bring the people in. RON But soon the Hard Lemonade softened their competitive edge. MICHAEL Lindsay. No. Maybe Tobias? RON And Michael confessed that he had grown estranged from him son. GOB I'll call him for you. You've given me a new sense of purpose. MICHAEL I don't want you to get your hopes up. When I said that--. That these places "sell themselves" I should have gone on to say, you know, that , uh, no , they don't. GOB Oh, I'm not talking about selling these mausoleums. I mean destroying Tony Wonder. I'm going to destroy his career in the same way that he destroyed mine. RON Gob was referring to an escape act he'd performed that had failed when the hidden compartment that held the keys to his escape hadn't opened. GOB It's not going work! RON Humiliating him in front of his bride… ANN He's not coming back. RON …uh, her, and all of Christendom. MICHAEL Destroying Tony Wonder is your sense of purpose? I thought you said "thanks to me." GOB Because he's performing at a gay club and I need you to act as my boyfriend to help me get in. MICHAEL I'm going to say no thank you. And don't you think it's a little inappropriate? I am your brother. GOB You sound like my son. RON Whom Gob had spoken to earlier that day. Ann, her name is Ann by the way. TEXT Earlier that day… STEVE HOLT Hey, you remembered! GOB How about you and I go to a magic show together. STEVE HOLT I love magic! Of course, I mean, my dad's a magician! Well, you're my dad. I mean, so you should know. GOB Right. Well, it'd be sort of a father son thing. At gay club. Well, technically a "gay night at a magic club. Hey, you know what would be funny? If you pretended to be my boyfriend so I can lock this guy Tony Wonder into his-- STEVE HOLT You know, I don't know. I don't think this whole thing is sounding like a good idea. Besides, last time we tried to do something together, you didn't even show up. GOB You know what? You're mad at me, I get it. I totally get it. And guess what, I'm mad at you. STEVE HOLT You know, Dad. That attitude might be why you're alone all the time. The way you treat people-- GOB What about you? I didn't even hear from you for your entire childhood. And then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last forty years! RON This was extra hard for Steve to hear on his actual birthday. MICHAEL And didn't you already try locking Tony Wonder in his trick? GOB Oh, yeah, but that wasn't for revenge. That was just on spec. GOB And it didn't work. Besides, that was before I knew that he locked me in my trick. MICHAEL You still don't know that he tried to lock you in your trick. GOB Hey, I do know. I have proof. I went in that cave and I found this. And we both know what that stands for. MICHAEL Jesus. GOB No, that would be a "j". This a "t". Tony Wonder was there in the cave the night that I did my big illusion. So when I went yesterday to the cave and I saw that this had wedged my compartment door shut, I knew that I’d been wronged. MICHAEL Okay. The only thing that we know is that you tried to lock Tony Wonder in his trick first. Right? So you're even. GOB No, no. Because mine didn't work. He got the last laugh, which, in this case happened to be the first laugh. I don't understand why you can't seem to follow me on any of this. MICHAEL You’ve got a chance to build a brand new life. Don't run away from it again. Don’t try to escape it. GOB I don't do that, Michael. Listen, if you insist on speaking to me like you're my wife, then don't be surprised if I might f*** you and then you never hear from me again. MICHAEL I'm offering you a good job, selling good homes, making real good money, and I’m not asking for anything in return. GOB What is this? MICHAEL Well, I’m asking for a little something in return. These—This is for the movie. This is for your life rights in perpetuity in the known universe and beyond. GOB Blah, blah, blah. Look at this. MICHAEL What does that mean, you’re not gonna sign it? GOB No I was just thinking that I should have my attorney Bob Loblaw look at this. MICHAEL Oh, he doesn’t need to. Pretty boilerplate stuff. GOB Yeah, no, I'm fine with it. I'm going to be in a movie! MICHAEL No, you're not. GOB Okay! RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Gob's Arrested Development. RON Gob was making good on a promise he had made to Michael… SIGNS ATTITUDES MEN GEORGE MICHAEL Hi, Uncle Gob. GOB I need to see you tonight. RON …to talk to his son. GOB It's about your father. And you. GEORGE MICHAEL Really? Is he upset? GOB Do I seem like a clown to you? GEORGE MICHAEL I got it. GOB Do I seem like some kind of a clown to you? GEORGE MICHAEL Look, I got it. I got it, Uncle Gob. Just tell me where. GOB Meet me tonight at the Gothic Castle. GEORGE MICHAEL I will. The Gothic Castle? GOB No, the gothic castle. Yes, the gothic castle. GEORGE MICHAEL No. I didn't say the Gothic Castle. GOB What, do you think, they call it the gothic castle? GEORGE MICHAEL No, I said the gothic castle. GOB It's the gothic castle. GEORGE MICHAEL Gothic castle. Okay. CLERK I think you look amazing. GOB I'll take it. CLERK Great. RON And so it was a very worried George- Michael that arrived to speak to his uncle at the Gothic Castle. Which that night did actually kind of resemble the Gothic Castle. I wonder if my Dad thinks I’m blowing him off because that’s starting to take off now. . GOB Well you should go find out, because I do know that your dad is really, really, really upset with you. GEORGE MICHAEL He is upset? I asked you that! GEORGE MICHAEL That was literally the first thing I asked you. You're giving me these crazy-- GOB Mad? Oh, what is that inky taste? GEORGE MICHAEL That's my stamp. GOB Oh, I’m so sorry about that. GEORGE MICHAEL That’s okay. I probably won’t come back in. I’m gonna go see my dad. GOB Yeah, you are. Because you're a good son. GOB Ow! You bit my tongue! RON Oh, no he didn't! I mean, oh, no, he didn't. GOB You’re always doing that. Thank you so much, George-Michael. Honestly, I owe you big time. Not a lot of nephews would do this for their uncles. Now get out of here! I never want to sleep with you again! I mean I probably will. I won't. But are we good? We're good. RON After successfully looking like he'd had a fight with his boyfriend ... RON …Gob put his plan into action. Knowing that Tony would go into the closet and pop out of somewhere else, Gob proceeded to lock everything he could find. GOB Who’s the dumbwaiter now? RON And that’s when he saw something that took him back to a moment when his life had reached its nader. DAVE You know, if tomorrow you won’t open up and let someone else in, then the treasures you have inside may never come out. TONY A magician has many secrets. But there was one I was forced to keep. By society. RON And Gob settled in to watch his revenge play out. TONY "Don't talk to us," they said. TONY “Keep your hands to yourself,” they also said. TAYLOR Magic is only for straight men. TONY "I don't want to look at you, son. Just go to work. Why can't you be like your brother?" VOICES There. Stay in there. We don't want you out hereTONY Well, I'm here, I'm queer, and now, I'm in a chair. TONY Did someone say "Wonder?" RON Nobody actually did that time, but I think he got away with it. TONY Didn’t expect to see you here. Wanna get a drink later? RON And believe it or not, it was this trick... TONY Now everybody's gay! RON ...that really brought the crowd to their feet. RON Although it was pretty easy to figure out how he did it, they started out gay. RON Gob was having a drink with a man he'd twice tried to sabotage. GOB Bean bag chair. I was wondering what you were going to pop out of. "ing?" TONY I always try to stay one step ahead of the audience. Vamanos! TONY Oh, hey, come on, man. Timing. Right? Hey, leave the mask! GOB Yeah, of course, mask. Yeah, that makes sense. I use a mask myself in my act! But you have to tell me how you do that beanbag trick. TONY Well, I guess since you're a magician too. But not a word of this though. TONY I did use the mask. I put it on another guy and then I was in the bean bag chair the whole time GOB Oh, well, that's-- That's why they put that sign on the bean bag chair that says “do not sit on this,” ‘cause… RON And the magicians shared the secrets of their ancient and mystical craft. TONY …and also it’s very hard to get out of at the end when I appear. So how have you been? I haven't seen you since your “wedding” when you did the Jesus gag. See, it’s like a quotation mark with a “W.” GOB Oh, yeah, right, I got you. I should start do that. TONY Hey, don't, okay? GOB I won't. GOB Well, the marriage wasn’t successful, I-- . I guess you could say I was a runaway groom. TONY Well, it makes sense now, doesn’t it? GOB What do you mean? TONY Well, I mean, you are gay, right? GOB Oh. Yes. Right. Yeah. Very. Because of the way I'm dressed. And my boyfriend was here earlier. And he bit my tongue! RON And that's when Gob did a magic trick of his own. GOB Wanna see? TONY No, I believe you. I'm just surprised, though, because you are the Christian magician. Although you did look awfully shredded on that cross. GOB You should have seen me when they took me out of the storage locker. TONY Hmm. GOB But how'd I get in the storage locker? TONY It’s okay, I know it didn’t work. It made the "Whoops" column in "Poof". TONY It's cool, though, man, I've been there. Your assistant probably sabotaged you . I don't even use one anymore. I've resorted to being my own legs in the saw the lady in half gag. I even shave 'em. Wanna feel? Wow, they are smooth. Like a lady’s. I think! TONY You're funny. Too bad we can't do this more. But, I don't know if it’d be great for my reputation to be seen with a fundamentalist Christian magician. RON And he was suspicious that Gob might not actually be gay. VALET Valet is closing. A Cabriolet. License plate, Anustart. GOB That’s me. TONY Aw, what the hell? Let's do it. RON And that's when Gob came up with a new revenge plan. GOB Yeah, let’s risk it. Right? Let's risk it. TONY Come on. The next day Gob shared his new plan with Tobias... TOBIAS …fun to be with. GOB Good, seems like you're done talking. I too am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge based deal. I plan on making this person fall in love with me, and then destroying them by breaking their heart. TOBIAS How do you make someone fall in love with you? Can you pass the mustard, please? GOB Yeah. Oh, it's easy when you’ve got so much in common. Last night for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies. RON As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies. They had a raucous good time. And I know they’re kind of cockeyed but they remind us both of my crooked smile. TOBIAS Sounds like you’re really into this girl. GOB Don't call me girl, friend! No, this is purely an act of revenge, filled with white hot hate. I'd tell you on who, but this person is something of a celebrity. TOBIAS Oh. Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity as well. RON And that's when Gob found a solution to filling one of the houses. TOBIAS You know, it’s funny, I’ve been looking for a place to live. GOB That’s great. When can you move in? TOBIAS Uh, duh! Now! Oh, the other sex offenders are going to be so jealous. GOB Wait a minute. You know of other people with similar needs? RON And that's when he filled the rest.) TOBIAS Oh, I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have. GOB Let me get a shot of mustard. That was all cheese. RON Not wanting to appear desperate, Gob waited till late afternoon... TEXT later that afternoon… RON ... to continue his plan to make Tony fall in love with him. TONY It's Tony. I’m not here right now because I'm right beyond you. TONY Made you look. But how did I know you looked? Because I'm right behind you. TONY Made you look again. GOB Hey, Tony, it’s Gob. Man, does anybody ever fall for that? Listen, uh, I was just-- I was thinking about you. What a fun night we had the other night. So just call me when you get a chance. ‘Kay? All right. GOB Well, that was fast, you hot little-- LUCILLE It's your mother. GOB Hi, sorry, I thought you were somebody else. I can’t tell you who ‘cause I’m dating someone famous. RON And that's when Gob was given a new job. LUCILLE You better start to build this wall pronto. I tried with your father but he can't do it. RON And that's when Gob was told to make it look like major construction had begun on the wall. LUCILLE Just make it look like major construction has begun on the wall. SIGNS DR. HOUSE IMPROVEMENT CENTER RON So Gob set out to find a crew. TEXT moments later… GOB My ears. Who wants to help me build a wall to keep Mexicans out of America? GOB All right. All right. Guys. Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It’s a different wall. This thing is loud! And so he decided to head to the border ribbon to put in some manual labor himself. GOB I'll show everyone that I'm not afraid of the sweet sting of sweat in my eyes. RON When he came across a local maca picker. CHINA GARDEN You need help to make your sign stand up? GOB Yes. No! I need to find some Mexicans to help build this wall. CHINA GARDEN Hey, you know what? You should get the Chinese to build your wall! We make great walls GOB That would be great. How can we make that happen? CHINA GARDEN I'm Chinese. I know all Chinese. I hook you up. GOB Well, that sounds--. That’d be great. GOB Would you get off my a**, Mother? TONY Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now. GOB It’s Tony! Hey, Tony. TONY Sorry I couldn't talk last night. But, uh, I’d really love to get together later. This week, or maybe Saturday, say five o'clock? GOB Great. TONY I’m thinking Little Ballroom. Little Ballroom good or are you sick of little ballroom? GOB I'll see you there. TONY Bye. GOB That was Tony. My friend Tony. CHINA GARDEN Oh, she sounds wonderful. GOB No. No, I'm going to get revenge on him and destroy his life. Her life. Our life. Destroy our life. Destroy our life. Doesn’t matter. CHINA GARDEN Wonderful. RON But Tony Wonder had a secret too TONY We're on. SALLY And he definitely thinks you're gay, right? TONY Don't worry. The only thing I'm better at than f****** women is pretending I'm gay. Trust me, I'm all man. Give me a little leg shave? SALLY All right, well, you have to be careful. If Gob finds out you're straight he'll use it to ruin you. And I'll lose the hundred grand I stole from Lucille Austero to rebrand you as the gay magician. RON It seems Sally Sitwell had a secret also. TONY I know that. Why are you telling me all this? SALLY Because if she finds out, we both go down. And I don't want to have to sell that closet as a sweat sauna on Craigslist. TONY Ow. SALLY Ooh, sorry. TONY It's fine. And as long as we're recapping things that we already know, an inside source tells me he's my ticket to internet billions. SALLY Inside source? TONY Oh, I didn't tell you that? SALLY No. TONY That’s new? It’s “in the bag.” RON Tony made that sound a lot cooler than it was.. GOB …that Fakeblock thing will scrub it away. GEORGE MICHAEL You know about Fakeblock? You know, that's my software. I wonder if my dad thinks I'm blowing him off… RON It took a lot of restraint for Tony to not pop out when he heard the word “wonder.” RON But he was carried into the audience before he could hear that Gob wasn't actually gay. TONY I don't want some Spanish guy sitting on me. TONY Once I get him alone, I get into his phone, get his boyfriend's information , hack into his software and make a fortune. Ow. How do you not know how to shave a leg? SALLY I've never done it before. TONY Anyway, he's half way to falling in love with me already. I mean, he actually sounded excited about seeing me tonight. TONY Poor guy doesn't realize I'm about to destroy our life. SALLY Our life? TONY I mean destroy our life with Gob. Just. I'm going to destroy our life-- My life. With Gob. Destroy my life with Gob. Destroy my life with Gob. SALLY Well, just be careful. Could be a house of cards. TONY Oh, ew, ah! Caterpillar. SALLY Yep, there it went. That’s exactly what that was. Ow. TONY Weird. SALLY Very weird. TONY Caterpillar. Then that weird fuzzy moth in the drain. RON It seems Sally had two secrets. RON And days later, Gob was feeling pretty good. China Garden had come through with a crew to build the wall... SIGNS AS SEEN ON TV'S TO ENTRAP A LOCAL PREDATOR" - YES WE HAVE NO INTERNET! YES WE HAVE NO SCHOOLS! KID FREE! GREAT POOL! TIRED OF EXPLAINING? SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CALL GOB BLUTH. NO QUESTIONS, NO ID HOMES AT REASONABLE PRICES. GOB BLUTH GOB BEE COMPANY- PRESIDENT, VICE PRESIDENT - MICHAEL B. COMPANY.) RON ... and with the help of a well placed ad, he'd successfully filled all the homes in Sudden Valley. RON And he was on his way to a hot date with Tony Wonder. GOB Siri, where is The Little Ballroom? SIRI I have three matches. GOB I’m gonna need the gayest. SIRI Did you say the grayest? GOB I need the, uh, gayest one. SIRI Did you say the grayest? GOB I need the gayest little ballroom. SIRI Okay, Gob . Try this one. GOB I've got to tell Michael that I saw another map car. He’s gonna be blown away. You don’t see them a lot. I’m fine. MICHAEL Well, looks like he's turning into a—To a parking lot. My little ballroom? Of course! Yeah, she's got a kid. He's acting like he's father of the year or something. I bet he's pretending Steve Holt is like 9 . I just saw him. He looks fifty! SIGNS "MY LITTLE BALLROOM". RON But of course, Gob was at the wrong Little Ballroom. GOB I do not get this lifestyle. MICHAEL Gob! GOB You're mistaken. MICHAEL Hi there. GOB Michael! Well, look who’s here. You. MICHAEL Yep. Where is she? GOB First of all, that's very dated of you, Michael. Hes don't like to be called shes. And I don't know who this he-man is that you're referring to MICHAEL No, no, no. It’s a she. My girlfriend, that’s who I’m talking about. Rebel. Rebel Alley. Where is she? GOB Never met him. MICHAEL It's a she. Nice try. Now what are you doing here? You’re gonna meet her here with her son, maybe, so her son can play in the ball pit? GOB That's disgusting, Michael. This is no place for a child. MICHAEL I know what you do. Mom told me you were bragging about seeing somebody in showbiz. Then I see a frozen dove in her freezer. GOB That could be anything. MICHAEL It said "love each other" on the foot-band. GOB Yeah, that does sound like one of mine. Whose freezer was it in? MICHAEL Rebel. Rebel Alley’s. Nice try, Gob. If I wanted to see bad acting I'd go see Tobias in "A Jew Comes to Dinner" RON But Gob wasn't acting. He'd just forgotten that he had met a still partying Rebel Alley. REBEL Oh, the little dove is so cute. RON And Rebel returned home to an unfortunate surpriseRON She felt bad, so quickly put it in a bag, wrote down the species and location from which she’d acquired it... RON …and then one further caution. RON It was a merry mix-up. But neither of them knew any of this. GOB I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, Michael. MICHAEL Yes, you do, I got you dead to rights. Dead to rights! GOB If ever we were going to have a fight, Michael, this would be the safest place to do it. MICHAEL Great, let’s do it. TEXT moments earlier… GENE Something that can filet a chicken and subdue an intruder. SIGNS "THIN WALLY'S KNIVES". GOB Back to My Little Ballroom? MICHAEL Yeah. This is the mid le of their work day-- Hey, you filled them? GOB Every last one of them. MICHAEL With who? GOB Well, with sex offenders. MICHAEL Hey, hey! Gob! Gob, you're out of the movie! GREGORY Thanks for ruining my birthday party. RON After fighting with Gob, Michael paid a return visit to his mother. LUCILLE Michael! What happened to your eye? Is that from Gob? Was I right about him? MICHAEL No, actually. You wanna hear a funny story? You're out of the movie. LUCILLE Hold on, George. I beg your pardon? MICHAEL Did you say George? Is that Dad? ‘Cause he's the one that told me to hire Gob. I actually owe him a call. MICHAEL Hey, Dad, how you doing? Yes, he did. With sex offenders. You want to hear something funny? You're out of the movie. Wanna hold for Mom? Yep. Bye. RON And later that night, Gob went to win back the trust... RON ...of the man he was still hoping to con. GOB Hey, look… RON Although he quickly lost sight of that plan. GOB You're mad at me? TONY You stood me up. GOB Oh, no. Siri sent me to the wrong ballroom and then I got in this fight with my brother that didn't hurt and it was just a whole--. TONY Uh-huh. Is that it? Or is it because your boyfriend is twenty and I'm nearly twice that? GOB You think that I care that you're three years older than me? No, I don’t--. Check my phone! Check my phone. TONY I don’t need to check your phone. Come on in. RON But getting Gob's boyfriends' contact information out of that phone was the reason for Tony's charade. GOB He hates me. The whole family hates me. TONY Damn it! RON Which he remembered too late. GOB Yeah, damn it. I mean, I even helped him fill his stupid homes with sex offenders and yet he still hates me! TONY Sex offenders need a place to live too. GOB Yeah, exactly. That’s what I always--. I’ve been saying. It’s like, God. You get me. TONY Well, you're an easy guy to get. GOB I can’t go home, he’s probably waiting for me. I mean, he's going to be my boss? He's the younger brother! TONY How old is he? GOB Forty-two? TONY Same! My younger brother's 42 also! GOB Same! That--. TONY I mean 32. GOB Thirty-two. Same. Same. TONY Same? GOB I was gonna say--. I was thinking the same--. Mine’s 32. TONY You thought 32 and then you said 42. GOB Thirty-two. God. Same. TONY That’s so--. Same. GOB Same. TONY Crazy. Do you want a glass of wine? GOB I love wine. TONY Red wine? GOB I love red wine. TONY Same. GOB Same. TONY That’s like, two sames. GOB That’s in-same. RON It turns out the guys had tons in common. TONY That’s so weird. GOB Weird. TONY Well, you can totally stay here if you need to. GOB Same. TONY That's so weird. GOB Weird. TONY Like the last time I went scuba diving. While eating captain crunch. Same. GOB Like the last time I went scuba diving. While eating captain crunch. Same. RON The hours melted away. And perhaps pretending to be gay allowed them the freedom to speak honestly. TONY ...when I started saying same. GOB Same! TONY That's about the same time I got into magic. You know, I think I got into misdirection ‘cause I just--. Maybe I was just trying to hide my feelings or something. GOB I was just doing it to get out of Gym. TONY Who's Jim? GOB No, I mean Phys Ed. Jealous! TONY Oh, kidding. Kidding. TONY Popcorn fight. TONY It almost went down my throat. GOB I'll get us some water. TONY Yeah. GOB Yeah. RON And Tony had another opportunity to get at Gob's phone. RON ...and chose not to take it. RON Gob also saw an opportunity to in some small way sabotage Tony's act. RON And he also chose not to. Although he did put the mask down his pants. TONY We were really thirsty. GOB Well, I guess I should get going. TONY Yeah. I’d say stay, but I just, I feel--. I just feel like we should take it slow. GOB Same. I would definitely stay and have gay sex with you, or normal sex with you, but I just… TONY Yea, I would totally have gay sex or whatever, but I just drank a lot of water. GOB I just--. I just had a lot of water too. TONY Yeah, I don't want to rush things. GOB Same thing. TONY You know, maybe we make a date to do it another time, and tonight we just--. GOB We can just sit and talk. RON Gob had never said anything like that before. TONY That would be amazing. RON And then he said something else he'd never said before. GOB I have feelings for you. TONY I have feelings for you. RON The feeling was friendship. But neither had ever experienced it. All they had to do now was avoid making any specific--. TONY Why don’t we have normal sex on Cinco? GOB Let's have normal sex on Cinco. We could do it at my place. RON I guess they both figured they could get out of it later. TONY/GOB To normal sex on Cinco! RON I'm not sure why they said that. TONY/GOB Same! RON It was the Newport Beach celebration of Cinco de Cuatro, and after taking care of some business, Gob ran into an almost ex- wife. ANN No, honey, on Cinco we break the stick and not the piñata. Okay? Look. Whoo! Huh? GOB Well. How long has it been? ANN It's been five years. GOB What are you doing here? ANN I'm taking my five year old to see Fanta tic Four. GOB” I m pretty sure that's an adult—Wait, you ha have a five year old? ANN Oui. GOB What? We what? ANN No, oui. It's French for yes. As in yes, I have a son. And his father's a magician. GOB Oh, it's not us. ANN Don't worry. It's not you. It was a real magician. He took advantage of how angry I was when you wouldn't come out of that cave. He promised me a life together. And after he had his way with me, he never wanted to see me again. I don't think there's anything wonderful about Tony Wonder. GOB Are you kidding me? Are you saying-- ANN Yes. GOB Tony's straight? RON Gob felt betrayed by a person he was starting to trust, and he decided to do something about it. GOB How would you like to spend the night making revenge love? ANN Jacqualine, would you? RON With a plan to get revenge on Tony Wonder taking shape… RON …Gob met with Ann at the model home. ANN I'm ready, Gob. GOB Yeah, okay, well, don't get ready yet. Tony's not going to be here for a bit. ANN Tony? GOB You're having sex with Tony Wonder tonight. ANN I thought we were having sex. GOB Oh, uh, no, thank you. Listen, here's the plan. This house is wired with hidden cameras from Entrap a Local Predator. There, there, there and there. GOB We’re gonna destroy Tony’s career by proving that he’s straight when he has sex with you’re while you're wearing this Gob mask! Oh, and this little black mini robe just to really sell that you're a man. ANN Why would I wear a Gob mask? GOB Because Tony's coming here, expecting to have sex with me. Look, in the act of having fake gay sex, you’re gonna take off the mask to reveal that you’re having real straight sex, destroying his career, and it's all gonna be captured on that camera right there! ANN I don't want to have sex with Tony. GOB Aren’t you just a little curious? ANN I have a child with him! GOB Okay. Yes. New plan. I'm gonna wear this Tony Wonder mask... GOB ...you’re gonna wear the Gob mask. And I am going to have sex with you. I'm sorry about all that. And then, again, you're gonna rip off the Gob mask and the world will think that he's straight. And it'll ruin his career. That’s great. Much simpler plan. Thank you. But the main event is us having this pretend gay but actually straight sex. Oh, you know what it is? It's a straight bait. I just realized it's a straight bait. You ever watch those? GOB Good, Ann, let me have the room. Yeah, I’m gonna need a little while to get same. Be the same. RON Downstairs, however, Tony had arrived early, and was looking for a place to pop out of in case Gob said “Wonder.” TONY Hello? Hello? Tony? TONY Hey…you. ANN It's Ann. Awfully funny time to run into you. TONY Yes. It is an awfully funny time to see you too, you. I know I owe you child support, don’t worry, I've got something big in the works. Actually, that's why I came here. What are you doing here? ANN Gob invited me. He's planning on getting revenge on you. TONY He would never do that. ANN Then why did he want to have sex with me with this on. TONY Wait a minute. Sex with you? Gob is straight? ANN Oh, yeah, he is. ANN Tony? TONY I just-- Why would he do that? I thought he was gay. ANN Tony, you're not gay either. TONY That s business! Why do you think David Geffen pretends to be gay? You think the Schubert organization would entrust a project like Dreamgirls to a straight producer? ANN How do you know so much about Dreamgirls? TONY ‘Cause it's my business to know about Dreamgirls. And if you wanted to be in a film version of a musical called the Magic Show done in 1974 by another secretly straight guy named Doug Henning, you'd make it your business too. I mean, they can't give everything to Doogie Howser, right? Biggest fake gay there is, by the way. But if I fund it, then they can’t say not to me. But it's big money, I mean, twenty, thirty, forty, mil. Fakeblock money! I can't believe I'm telling you all this. I've been over explaining the s*** out of everything lately. You can't tell a soul. ANN No one I know will care. Look, do you want to out Gob as gay so it will ruin his career as the Christian Magician? TONY Yes, of course. ANN Are you still your own legs? And do you have toe nail polish on you right now? TONY Are you asking "am I wearing any" or "do I have any extra" because the answer to both questions is yes. ANN Then we're covered. You and I will have sex and you wear this Gob mask and I’ll wear a Tony Wonder mask. TONY Okay, I have two questions. One, are you going to move his time, and two, why can't I just be me and you wear the Gob mask? ANN I just thought that if you had to have sex with a man, wouldn't it be more of a turn on to have sex with someone that looks like you? ANN Okay. Put these on, and then meet me in the bedroom in five minutes for some serious secular intercourse. TONY With myself. ANN Yeah. TONY/GOB Same. Same. RON And two men who never loved anyone but themselves prepared to ruin each other's reputation. TONY/GOB Become same. Same. Same. GOB I should dim the lights. RON And that's how Ann not only performed a real life version of Tony's most beloved illusion... TONY Now everybody’s gay! RON ... but was responsible for the first recorded instance of a Christian Straight- to-Gay conversion. RON Previously on Arrested Development RON Gob went downstairs to take a forget-me- now… GOB Is that you, Maria? RON ...when he bumped into a brother who also had a secret. GOB We did make quite a mess of that bed— Michael. RON And relished the opportunity to rub it in. MICHAEL You could not make me feel worse right now. GOB Well, I’d be willing to let you have your apology back if you give me the chance to try. Bad example, if you were ashamed of being in love with a man, and suddenly discovered these new feelings, something that you only allowed to happen because you thought he was gay and you were hoping to exact revenge, but then you found out he was straight, then you wanted to get even, so maybe you put a mask on someone and then tried to convince yourself that the sex you were about to have was "with yourself,” but it turned out to be him and all you ended up doing was proving that your feelings were real. Then I might say something like "Homo much." MICHAEL It's not that. GOB I said “Bad example.” TEXT moments later… GOB Hey, listen, Michael, if you want we can split this. MICHAEL No. Believe me, this is the last time I ever judge you for anything you ever do. TONY Oh, ****. MICHAEL Is that who you were with? RON And Gob decided to be generous with his last forget me now… MICHAEL No! RON And for the first time, it was Michael who forgot his shame. And Gob who remembered. GOB Stupid, forgetful Michael. RON On the next Arrested Development Michael wakes up and is reminded of something horrible. FATHER MARSALA Seven hundred thousand. Think about it. That is a very big number. Seven Hundred Thousand abortions every year worldwide. RON The amount of money he owed because Tobias wanted to mount this abortion. Fantastic Three And he does something that he never thought he’d do... LUCILLE 2 Vote for Lucille! MICHAEL Hey, Lucille 2. I was hoping that we could get together and talk about how I can repay you that loan. RON ...and had already done. RON And then, with nothing left to lose, he makes another call. MICHAEL Rebel. Yeah, Michael. I need to come over. I don’t want to act like it doesn’t matter to me anymore, ‘cause it does. REBEL Well, there's somebody here right now-- MICHAEL I don't care. The thing with the other guy, it's, you know, that’s over. So we don't ever have to talk about that ever again. It’s going away. REBEL Okay, well, you can come over later, okay? Goodbye. MICHAEL I'll see you soon. GEORGE MICHAEL Who was that? REBEL No one.