ARMSTRONG BARRY BUSTER CARL CHECK_OUT_NURSE COL COL_GRIMM COL_SMALLS DAVE DONNY_RICHTER DREW FAKE_GENERAL GENE GENE_PARMESAN GEORGE GEORGE_MICHAEL GUARD GUNNER HERBERT JEREMY JOE JUDGE_KORN JULIUS LITERAL_DOCTOR LUCILLE LUCILLE_TWO LUPE MAEBY MAGGIE MARINES MICHAEL MOCK MOTHERBOY_TROPHIES OPHELIA PARAMEDIC PETER PETERS RON SANDY SERGEANT_MELNICK SIGNS SOLDIER TEXT TOBIAS TRIPPLER RON It was Tres de Cinco, or the day before… RON …Cinco de Cuatro, and Buster Bluth… BUSTER Ah. TEXT BUSTER BLUTH FITTING IN RON …had finally found a family he fit in with. BUSTER Where's your mother? BUSTER Okay. Oh, way to go. Way to go. BUSTER Hi. I know you've been down today. So I brought you this. BUSTER They're for Cinco. In case you wanted to make confetti out of something other than the pictures that they sell of the chubby Linda Ronstadt. OPHELIA I'm so blessed to have you in my life. BUSTER I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Just six weeks ago I was a hot mess. I was desperate for a mother. And I don't think I could admit it. RON As you'll see, he admits it plenty. BUSTER But now look at me. I'm with a beautiful, elegant woman and I think we should take it to the next level. RON Buster had come a long way since his fear of boats... RON ...was conquered... BUSTER What a f**king baby. RON ...and then rekindled, only to find himself facing a bigger fear... BUSTER Oh, come on! RON But his biggest fear wasn't confronting a wet loose seal... RON ... it was losing one. BUSTER Whoa, what are you doing? GEORGE SR. Oh, God. BUSTER Wait, where is she going? Wait, wait, wait. Wait! She doesn't have her make up! I have her lipstick! Mother! BUSTER Michael! MICHAEL Yeah, it’s a tough one, because there’s about four hundred witnesses that are ready to throw her underneath the boat. I don’t think I can even help. RON Buster was distraught. RON …and made some foolish mistakes. BUSTER Hello, Lupe. LUPE Oh, Buster. RON Like this. LUPE Are you going to be all right? BUSTER Oh… LUPE You want me to stay? I was planning to visit with my family. BUSTER Oh, no. Just watch! Mother is gonna come waltzing through that door any day now, and she is gonna be screaming, "Make sure you frisk that girl before--" I'll be fine. I’ll be fine. BUSTER LUPE That’s my perfume. BUSTER Good. Okay. Good. She wouldn’t wear that. RON When his father didn't return either, Buster stuck to his daily routine. BUSTER Ah. You're welcome. RON Laying out Mother's clothes... BUSTER Good. The vodka goes… BUSTER …in, you pour it in a glass… RON ...making Mother's breakfast... BUSTER …olive on top, then you call your M-- BUSTER Mother. BUSTER Oh. This is bugging me. RON ...and amusing himself with little jokes… BUSTER Ah! Finito! RON …he thought she'd appreciate. BUSTER Except for the hair. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… BUSTER You have reduced! Well, you're not that skinny. BUSTER Welcome home, chubs! laughs) No, you will kill me for that. I don't want that blood on my hands. RON And with his mother gone, it was… RON …nice to get a chance to use the sewing machine. BUSTER Aha! Oh. RON Still, he found ways… RON … to feel good about himself. BUSTER …very much, Mother. Buster. You always come through. Oh, Mother, that’s so… No, no, no. I mean it. It's amazing work. Oh, Mother… RON But he knew it wasn't real. BUSTER Okay, I need to stop. Or I'm gonna be committed. RON ...at first. BUSTER What? But that would take hours. BUSTER Oh, this is gonna be just stunning. You are always so right. Then the waiter came back and he said, “Oh I'm sorry, who are you?” And I said, “I'm Buster Bluth. That’s the fourth time I’ve told you.” RON Soon, he had run out of food... RON ...that he knew how to make. RON But everywhere he looked he found… BUSTER Aha. SIGNS NO-SALTINES RON … mocking reminders of the woman he lost. SIGNS MOCK MOTHER’S PIE BUSTER SIGNS SERVES 3-5 BUSTER RON He did find some supplies from one of his mother's "I can quit anytime" stints. BUSTER Ah. Cute! RON But the emotional lift was temporary. SIGNS NOT AVAILABLE BEHIND BARS RON And before long, things… RON …things had gotten weird. BUSTER The olive on top and you set it down for Mother. RON To an uninformed observer it looked a little like that Vince Vaughn movie Psycho. BUSTER Oh, I agree. Dancing with the Stars has gone completely downhill. This pasta's way overcooked, Buster! Well, you didn't leave me the simplest recipe, Mother RON Finally… RON … Lucille was released under house arrest, and everything returned to normal. LUCILLE Huh. BUSTER Oh. I was just thinking about you. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Buster’s Arrested Development. RON Buster was passing time with Lucille... BUSTER Chinchilla! RON ...by playing games like "Guess the Fur". BUSTER The one that you got after Dad had the affair with the chubby intern from Riverside. LUCILLE You win again, Buster. BUSTER LUCILLE I know what's gonna stump you. Close your eyes tight and plug your ears. LUCILLE Just plug one ear and press the other one to the couch. RON But after three months of being cooped up with her youngest son… BUSTER Ma! Stop! Mother! No, Mom! RON …Lucille was growing restive. BUSTER If the alarm goes off and they catch you, they'll take you away forever! LUCILLE I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here. I don't care. I can't keep playing "guess my fur" six times a day. I need a smoke. BUSTER Oh, God. Right to the smokes, huh? Give me a minute. Let me catch my breath. RON And… RON …Buster refined a testimony that was meant to spare Lucille from jail. BUSTER Oh, and then a fish swam by my ankle. RON ... at a legal defense strategy meeting slash graduation party. LUCILLE Make it an eel. BUSTER It’s gonna be an eel! BARRY Better! MICHAEL Congratulations, Mother, you've managed to combine people's fear of homosexuals and eels into one alibi. LUCILLE And he'll be wearing his Army uniform so I can pretend I’m proud of him again. BUSTER I couldn't find my Army uniform. Oh, but I thought the jury might like it if I show up as John-John Kennedy. LUCILLE Oh, yeah, that went over great last time. SIGNS BALBOA BAY WINDOW ETERNAL FLAMES OFFEND AT MOTHERBOY LUCILLE And it was offensive. Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing. BUSTER Good! I'm glad they saw it. It was like a Motherboy Ball, right? Huh? GEORGE MICHAEL Hi. BUSTER Hi. LUCILLE Put on your new uniform. With long pants, and keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay. LUCILLE So you can see why I need the testimony of someone who's not a hot mess. BUSTER You're a hot mess! LUCILLE You're a hot mess! MICHAEL Let me get this straight. You won’t let me help with… RON And the night before the trial, tensions had only gotten worse. BUSTER And it sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness. LUCILLE You need me just as much as I need you, cookie. BUSTER Oh, really? Because you can be replaced, you know. RON Can she? BUSTER And even if… BUSTER …you can't, you're not the boss of me. Can I go to--? I'm going to the park! LUCILLE TWO Oh, Buster. Hello. BUSTER Hello to you too, Two. Oh, look at all this produce. LUCILLE TWO I'm juicing now. Would you like to join me? BUSTER It's two o'clock in the afternoon. LUCILLE TWO Honey, it's eight am somewhere. Oh, I forgot. Your mother wouldn't allow it. BUSTER I-- I don't care what she wants-- Don't care what she wants. I don't do everything she tells me. Let's get juiced. RON The next morning, Buster awoke with a vicious juice hangover. BUSTER Hmm. Well, that was a freebie. Mother's trial! BUSTER Key witness! Key witness coming through! I’m a key wit- I’m a key-- I was making too bad-- MARINES BUSTER BUSTER Is it over? JUDGE KORN No, no, the grab-a-crab-fest just started. BUSTER Oh, God. No. Help me! Is--? Is-- Is there a verdict in the my mother stole the Queen Mary thing? MAGGIE It's all up on the dailies board. BUSTER Dailies? What? Clam chowd-- Ah! SIGNS TODAY’S SOUP NEW ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER TODAY’S VERDICT GUILTY NO PAROLE LUCILLE The fish is frozen here! It's frozen! Do you really wanna spend thirty dollars on frozen fish? Buster! Where were you? This is all your fault! BUSTER No! I was making-- I was making a banner. I was making two bann-- LUCILLE Save it. I can smell the cran-apple on you from here. BUSTER When are you--? When are you coming home? LUCILLE I'm serving three-to-five. BUSTER Like the salt-less pie? LUCILLE I hope your juicy blender bender was worth it. Don’t come to visit me, because I won’t see you. Oh, and good luck with your night terrors. Now no one will be there to hear your screams. BUSTER LUCILLE Won't miss it! BUSTER Where do--? Where do I go? What do I do? Where--? Where'd you get the pirate hat? Where do--? Where do I go? RON And so… SIGNS WELCOME HOME MOTHER! BUSTER MADE THIS! SIGNS THIS IS WHY I WAS LATE! HA HA! FROM BUSTER! RON …Buster went back to the penthouse, feeling guilty and alone, and he couldn't bear to relive the time he was there without Lucille before. BUSTER I can't go through another two days like that. RON And that's how Buster decided to make another go… RON …at making another go at Lucille Two. BUSTER LUCILLE TWO Buster. BUSTER My mother's gone away, and I thought you’ve always been like a-- LUCILLE TWO Girlfriend? BUSTER Not what I was gonna say! Anyways, I was over there, and my friend's over here and I thought, maybe I should just move in, because I love to hear about all of your medications and ailments and whatnot. Is that baby toe of yours still crawling over the others like a weird weed? LUCILLE TWO Oh, Buster, how sweet of you to remember. BUSTER Oh, it's in one of my night terrors. LUCILLE TWO But listen, Buster… LUCILLE TWO …before I invite you into my arms… BUSTER Mm-hm. LUCILLE TWO …my bedroom, my bathtub with the railing… BUSTER Mm-hm. LUCILLE TWO …I have to ask you something. BUSTER Okay? LUCILLE TWO Are you sure you're ready for this? BUSTER So that pretend kid’s bedroom? Is that not an option? LUCILLE TWO No. That room is all storage now, honey. BUSTER Mm. LUCILLE TWO So. Yes or no? Are you ready to let go of your mother? RON Buster thought he was. Although there was one ominous sign. BUSTER I'm ready for that, Lucille. RON Did you hear it? LUCILLE TWO Wait, did you just drop the two after my name? BUSTER Oh, I hope not! That would be creepy! LUCILLE TWO / BUSTER RON Before you accidentally skip back too far and wind up in the middle of the Maeby episode, trust me, no "two" was spoken. RON Every… SIGNS LITE SECURITY RON …day Buster visited the prison where his mother was incarcerated. BUSTER Buster Bluth and pie for his mo-- Lucille Bluth. RON And every day she refused to see him. LUCILLE No. JOE She doesn't wanna see you. BUSTER Excellent. RON He even pretended to be… RON … an old college flame of Lucille's to gain admittance. BUSTER Hello. LUCILLE Alex Trebek? RON She then rephrased it in the form of a question. LUCILLE Who is Alex Trebek? JOE Buster. JOE No, Buster. BUSTER Oh. Do you have a pie or a small sponge cake available? BUSTER Ah. JOE There you go. RON And while his days were spent… RON ... trying to get his mother to love him, his nights were consumed with getting his lover to mother him. LUCILLE TWO Oh, Bustie, just in time. I hope you are in the mood for a hot tomato. BUSTER Mm. Soup? Little grilled cheese sandwiches on the side? LUCILLE TWO Buster. That was innuendo. BUSTER Oh. Uh… LUCILLE TWO My Lord, it's like we're speaking different languages here. BUSTER No, it’s not. It is working. I'm getting hungry. LUCILLE TWO For love? BUSTER Okay. Is this… BUSTER …another one of those nights where nothing is as it seems and there’s no cream pie for dessert? LUCILLE TWO Holy Toledo, Buster. Sometimes I think I'm nothing but a Horn and Hardart to you. BUSTER Oh! What happened to innuendo! Let’s do it quick. We’ll do-- LUCILLE TWO It's an old restaurant. BUSTER Old restaurant? I don't care if it's old. Look who I'm dating! Let’s go there. Let’s go there now. LUCILLE TWO Buster, you can either be a son or a lover, and right now you're no good to me as a lover. BUSTER Maybe you're right. Maybe this has been wrong from the start. So... "Mom"? LUCILLE TWO Out. RON And since he couldn't bear to go back to the penthouse… LUCILLE TWO Out. TEXT LOCKER HAWKERS SOMETHING SMELLS TERRIBLE EDITION DAVE You know, if tomorrow, you don't open up and let someone else in… RON …Buster needed to raise some money. DAVE …then the treasures you have inside… BUSTER This is my Motherboy Four medal. That’s when I was a kangaroo in her pouch. What’ll you give me for it? RON But Buster wasn't the first Motherboy to hit hard times. SIGNS MOTHERBOY TROPHIES $1.50 BUSTER What will you give me for these? All time low. RON And that's when Buster found inspiration. SIGNS JOIN THE ARMED FORCES MAKE HER PROUD BUSTER She certainly looks proud of her son. SIGNS U.S.ARMY BUSTER I'm back. Buster Bluth? Look who’s back. RON As it turns out Buster returned on the very day that the Army policy regarding sexual orientation had changed. DREW Are you gay? BUSTER No. DREW You can tell me. BUSTER I'm not. PETERS It's okay! Drew, tell him. DREW I'm gay. BUSTER Oh. DREW Peter’s gay. BUSTER Oh. DREW Sergeant Melnick’s gay. SERGEANT MELNICK Bye. DREW Oh, sorry, he's bi. SERGEANT MELNICK No, I'm going home for the day. I'm gay. PETER Yeah, really makes no difference to us. We’ll find something for you. BUSTER Perfect. I was looking for something. You said something, right? RON And that's how Buster officially re-enlisted in the Army. RON And it's why six months later, Lucille Bluth got some bad news. SGT. BRIGGS Lucille Bluth? LUCILLE Yes? SGT. BRIGGS I'm here to see you about your son. LUCILLE Oh, this is a ploy. He's trying to get me to see him. How do I know you're really in the Army? Who did Larry Kert replace in Company? SGT. BRIGGS I don't know. I know who he thought he was replacing. And it was Dean Jones. But he didn't come close. LUCILLE My Buster! RON And Lucille rushed… RON … to the hospital. LUCILLE What happened? Where's my son? LITERAL DOCTOR Mrs. Bluth. Your son went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan. LUCILLE Oh, my God. LITERAL DOCTOR He deserves a big hand for that. And we gave him one. I’m afraid besides that there's nothing we can do. BUSTER Hi, Mother. LUCILLE You look fine. The doctor said you went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan. BUSTER Oh, yeah, the plane was in Afghanistan. RON It seems… RON … the Army had taken advantage of Buster's child-like interest in games... BUSTER This is so much more fun than "Guess the Fur". RON ...and his child-like inability to distinguish between games and reality. BUSTER Oh! RON So they set him up as a drone pilot… SIGNS ANAHEIM PLAZA RON …here. SOLDIER Want to go to lunch, Private Bluth? BUSTER Not till I take out the hospital! COL SMALLS Tell you, this kid's amazing. If I had him back in the sixties, Cuba would be the fifty-first state. BUSTER You're not gonna get away from me, little nurse! Next time! RON He had been playing for forty-seven straight hours. BUSTER Take that Taliban Wedding! RON But like anyone who plays video games for too long, he started to make mistakes. TRIPPLER Hey, Bluth. You just took out an art museum in Madrid. BUSTER Oh. You can go to Spain in this thing? TRIPPLER Maybe you should take a break. You could have hurt some innocent people. BUSTER Innocent people? You mean I've been hurting guilty people? Oh! RON But Buster was a peaceful man. BUSTER Oh, God! TRIPPLER Pilot down! RON It was the kind of emergency that the drone pilot paramedics had long been waiting for. TRIPPLER Medic! Where the hell's the medic! I got a man down! PARAMEDIC Sorry we're late. Some kid swallowed an eye at the Build-A-Bear. TRIPPLER Why do they have us at a mini mall? RON It was the first known injury… RON …to a drone pilot and the Army took it seriously. COL GRIMM Apparently no one told him that they were real planes. If this guy comes after us, they would pull funding for the whole program. COL B. ARTHUR So how do we buy off old one arm? COL GRIMM First we gotta find something he needs. COL SMALLS Well, we do have the bionics program. PRIVATE Ice cream! COL SMALLS Maybe we shouldn't be discussing this here. COL GRIMM I think we're at those kids' table. LUCILLE So you… LUCILLE …fell out of a chair and for this the government gives you applause. BUSTER No, a big hand. LUCILLE I thought I recognized that literal son-of-a-bitch. This is why you can't keep a job at one hospital! Why does it have to be so big? BUSTER Well, they said the miniaturization comes later. I mean, you remember how big your first cell phone was? LUCILLE That was a phone. This looks like you're pointing to a place that buys your gold. BUSTER Mm, I haven’t learned how to control it. They're gonna work with me. LUCILLE So you had me come out here under false pretenses? BUSTER You wouldn't come here any other way. You haven't seen me in a year. It's why I went to Army! To win you back! You have to forgive me. GUARD LUCILLE It's not about forgiving you. Although I don't. You need to grow up, Buster. Because I can't take care of you anymore. I need to "Get away - get away." You're hopelessly hopeless, Buster. It's as if they wrote that song for my own son. I'm glad you have a new hand, but you need to find someone else to hold it. Tell the prison limo to come around. GUARD Bring the limo around. BUSTER Fine! I got my own family now. Army! And they want me! You guys want me, right? LITERAL DOCTOR Oh, yeah. They're not gonna invest this kind of money without wanting you for keeps. BUSTER Oh, great. LITERAL DOCTOR Once you learn how to work that thing, they're gonna turn you into a killing monster. BUSTER Monster? LITERAL DOCTOR This doesn't make me look sexy. Throw it out. BUSTER Well, that explains the photo shoot. SIGNS TOP SECRET MAGAZINE BEING READ AND DESTROYED FOR OVER 40 YEARS MONSTER HAND! IT WORKS! RON And so Buster began a rehab program he was terrified to succeed at. SANDY Okay, uh, open the cabinet, please. BUSTER Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. SANDY Oh. BUSTER Too hard. SANDY Uh, I think that was too hard. BUSTER Okay. SANDY Yeah. Okay, let’s just grab, um, that toothpaste. BUSTER Okay. SANDY Use your new hand. BUSTER Okay. SANDY Oh. Um… BUSTER I got some on you. SANDY Uh, yeah. You did get some on me. BUSTER Yeah. Too hard? RON Buster seemed slow to master the challenges. ARMSTRONG Oh. GUNNER Yeah, that’s-- ARMSTRONG Oh. GUNNER That’s on her. ARMSTRONG He got a little-- GUNNER It was too hard. ARMSTRONG I think it was as well. SANDY Let's go ahead and fast forward through the commercials. Okay, that's too fa-- Okay, stop. Well, there's Jon Cryer. Stop. That’s Jon Cryer. Well, look at that, we're back at the Progressive Insurance lady. BUSTER I'm better off just watching the commercials! SANDY Don't say that! BUSTER RON But behind the two way mirror, hope wasn't in abundance. GUNNER Hope this guy likes the music acts on Saturday Night Live, because he's gonna be watching a lot of them. How many remotes do we have? ARMSTRONG That was the only one. GUNNER There’s seven monitors here. We have one remote? Do we have anybody from pinky team? SANDY Guys, he can’t do this. RON And around week five, the Army finally realized that Buster was in no hurry to leave. BUSTER Ah! I blew it again! I'll never do it right! I’m a mons-- Do you have any ice cream? Maybe it would work with ice cream. GUNNER Now he wants ice cream. ARMSTRONG He's using us. COL SMALLS Yeah, it might be time for the Q-test. GUNNER The Q-test? BUSTER Oh. ARMSTRONG I’m sorry we're running behind with your testing, Buster. We'll just be a few more minutes. BUSTER Okay. BUSTER RON And it was then that Gunner learned why it was called the Q-test. BUSTER Oh! Aren't you the Cu-test! BUSTER You don't think I'm a monster, do you? I know. I know. COL SMALLS Now, he can’t see us at all. That’s correct? GUNNER Why wouldn’t he be able to see us? COL SMALLS Because it’s a mirror. BUSTER Are you looking around? Are you looking around? ARMSTRONG No, it’s a window. BUSTER Oh, hi. You don’t think I’m a monster. COL SMALLS Okay, let’s take it down. BUSTER No, you d-- I know. I know you don’t think I’m a monster. COL SMALLS Send in the authority figure. BUSTER Hi, you little guy. FAKE GENERAL How are you managing with that hand, soldier? BUSTER Uh. Uh. Uh. SIGNS VA HOSPITAL RON Buster… RON …was being discharged from the Army. BUSTER So where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I-- I have nowhere to live. CHECK OUT NURSE Should have thought about that before you let that cat live. RON And that's when he met Ophelia Love… BUSTER Oh, I’m sorry. SIGNS HERBERT LOVE FOR CONGRESS RON …the devoted wife of the candidate Herbert Love… BUSTER I have nowhere to go. RON …who was on a tour of the Veteran's Hospital. OPHELIA Excuse me. You're a veteran and you have nowhere to go? BUSTER Oh, it's not Army's fault. I'm a monster. OPHELIA And what makes you think you're a monster? BUSTER What do you see when you look at this? OPHELIA I see a veteran whose hand I'd like to shake. Not that one. I think you should meet my husband. We may have something for you. BUSTER Perfect! Wait, you didn’t say nothing, did you? OPHELIA Something. BUSTER Something. OPHELIA Mm-hm. BUSTER Got it. HERBERT Look how… HERBERT …big his hand is. RON But Herbert would be less enthusiastic. HERBERT And you want him to live with us? OPHELIA He's a vet, Herbert. And you yourself said you need something to compete with the woman you're running against. SIGNS VOTE FOR LUCILLE IT’S UP TO YOU NEWPORT NEW-PORT! RON Lucille Two had recently adopted a Hispanic boy, named Perfecto. OPHELIA And since you're never around, I mean, he could help me with the boys. It's like that movie, The Blind Side. HERBERT I suppose we could use a Blind Side Monster. OPHELIA Well, we shouldn't call him a monster. HERBERT That's why I love you, Ophelia. You've got a heart as big as that Blind Side Monster's hand. OPHELIA JULIUS OPHELIA Oh! RON And so it was decided Buster was to stay with the Love family. BUSTER He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. HERBERT My. OPHELIA It’s okay. BUSTER Yeah. HERBERT Welcome to the family. BUSTER Oh! HERBERT RON He'd found a home at last. BUSTER Ah! HERBERT Oh! BUSTER Oh! Uh uh uh uh uh. HERBERT Yeah. RON In the following weeks Buster came in handy to the entire… HERBERT BUSTER Oh! RON …Love family. Helping the boys at school... JEREMY This table is for National Honors Society members only. BUSTER Really? What about these two guys, were they invited? Light drizzle and thunder. JEREMY What? BUSTER See, Light Drizzle will just annoy you, but you see, Thunder will "F" you up! RON This got the attention of Perfecto Telles, vice president of the student anti-bullying squad. RON Buster even received a badge from an undercover cop who was posing as a teacher. DONNY RICHTER You're never too old to stand up to a bully. Whether he’s an attention hog who looks just like you or whether he's half your size. BUSTER RON He used his finely honed skills… RON …as a doting son to give the long neglected Ophelia some much deserved attention. BUSTER You pour in the liquor, don't want the boys-to-see, you throw in some cola, got a Coke and Hennessy. Just for you, Mother Love. OPHELIA Buster. BUSTER Hmm? OPHELIA You are the most considerate man… BUSTER Aw! OPHELIA …I have ever met. BUSTER Oh, stop. You're embarrassing me. OPHELIA And sweet, and… BUSTER No, I’m serious. Stop. Stop. OPHELIA But your other hand is waving me on. BUSTER Oh, is that going again? I think it's on demo. Do you have a pencil or a paper clip? RON And he helped Herbert on the campaign trail. HERBERT They done messed up! Let me show you what a government handout looks like. Hold your government hand out! Yeah, and let's give freedom from government a big thumbs up. HERBERT Oh! Whoa! RON Although he hadn't achieved complete mastery. HERBERT It-- Come on, Buster. Dance. BUSTER I don’t wanna dance. HERBERT Come on, dance, Buster! RON Buster was enjoying his new role as a symbol of government waste. HERBERT And this hand ain't the only thing Government wastes money on. It’s like I said about contraception. If you want me to pay for her diaphragm. I get to put my hand-- BUSTER Shoe! HERBERT Nice stop, Blind Side Monster. Buster! Blind Side Buster. RON And he was feeling more confident every day. HERBERT Let's all give him a big hand back! RON Arguably, too confident. HERBERT Hey! Uh, hey, hang on now. Oh, whoa! HERBERT Ha! Whoo! RON Although after this appearance, he spent a lot less time with Herbert... RON …and a lot more time with Ophelia. RON Which is what led to this. BUSTER That’s funny. No smoke came out. OPHELIA Smoke? BUSTER Wait, what just happened? OPHELIA This. BUSTER Huh? Okay. Okay. Okay, so you don't think that the next level is adult adoption, do you? OPHELIA Come on, Buster. You've been flirting with me since day one. BUSTER What? OPHELIA Bringing me these flowers, offering to undress me. And what about the singing? "Sealed with a Kiss" through the door while I bathed. BUSTER Right, 'Mother stuff.' I mean, you're married. BUSTER What is this? OPHELIA That is my husband with a prostitute. BUSTER I’ve worn a Captain's hat with someone who had hair like that. But I-- I can't-- I mean, you're like a mother to me. OPHELIA You can be either a son or a lover to me. And I already have two sons. RON And perhaps it was the fear that she'd throw him out, or he finally did grow up, but that night Buster acted like a man. RON After spending the night with Ophelia Love… RON …Buster proudly went to visit his mother. BUSTER I came here to thank you. You were trying to push me out of the nest, and you were right. LUCILLE Really? BUSTER Yes. I've grown and I'm in love. LUCILLE Hamster or turtle? BUSTER No, Mother. Hamsters are gross. It's a female. Human. Female human. Whole thing. So, your parental responsibilities are complete. LUCILLE Hot. BUSTER Hot. I no longer need you. LUCILLE Well, you don't have to go that far. BUSTER I'm not a mother boy anymore. I'm a mother man. LUCILLE Use your good hand. BUSTER Guards! RON And on his way back to his new love, Buster ran into Michael - who was trying to get the life story rights from one of the few remaining family members he hadn't thrown out of the movie. MICHAEL Yeah, I don’t have George-Michael yet. BUSTER What about Mom? MICHAEL I have her, but I’m about to throw it in her face when I see her. And I can't go to my son. BUSTER Well, I have nothing to be ashamed about. I'm in love. And do you want to hear something so surprising? She started out as my "mother" figure. MICHAEL Not surprising. BUSTER Oh, okay. RON And he returned back… RON … to his Love nest to tell Ophelia the good news. BUSTER Ophelia? Ophe--? Oh. I'm out of the thing. How did yours go? OPHELIA It's over. I talked to Herbert. I told him everything about us. And it's over. BUSTER Mm. I know it's scary. I just got out of a long relationship, too. But I'm here for you. And, girl, I ain't goin' nowhere. OPHELIA I need you to leave. BUSTER Mm, so let’s get it o-- Wait, what's happening? OPHELIA He wants to try to change. He wants a second chance. And I want to give it to him. BUSTER W-- So you were-- You were just using me to hurt him? OPHELIA Yes. Thank you. BUSTER But what a--? What about me? What happens to me? I-- I certainly can't go back to you as my mother. After I've zipped down, you can't expect me to zip up. OPHELIA I know that. But you have to leave. BUSTER Oh no, I'm okay with the mothering. I mean, he had you first. I'm here to stay. This is a little mother/son bump in the road. Mother, I ain’t going nowhere. OPHELIA Your hand is broken again. BUSTER No, it's just my heart. Oh, it's my hand, too, actually. OPHELIA I'm sorry, Buster. RON Buster was blindsided. BUSTER Ophelia! Tell me this. Who is the better lover? OPHELIA He is. BUSTER He is. Okay. What about son? RON Buster was hurt. RON And perhaps that's why he availed himself to the photos of Herbert and the prostitute. And, Buster, furious, decided to expose Herbert himself. BUSTER Ow! RON But not before using the wrong hand to punch a picture of Herbert. BUSTER Stupid Bust-- RON Unfortunately it was the night of… RON …Cinco, and no one was home to find him. BUSTER Said! Said! SIGNS FLING FLAN SIGNS SERAPE SHRED RON Buster came to and rushed to Cinco to share the photos with Herbert Love's political enemy when he ran into Tobias, who enlisted Buster’s help for a musical that was becoming less fantastic every minute. TOBIAS Buster, oh thank God! I need your help. I've got a show to do in ten minutes, and I haven't got a Thing to wear this Thing suit. BUSTER But I've gotta find Lucille Two, I've gotta give her pictures, I don't know the songs. TOBIAS It's prerecorded. You're a monster, you don't have to be any good. BUSTER What? TOBIAS Now just go Thing your heart out, and don’t be put off by the freakishly large-- What? Oh, God! Okay, well, g- Well, good. Then-- Then just the, uh, one glove will do and, uh, perfecto! RON As fate would have it, Perfecto Telles was also in need of a monster. TEXT MOMENTS EARLIER… MAEBY He’s a bully. So I want you to bad cop him a little for me, okay? RON And that's when he heard his name. TOBIAS Perfecto! PERFECTO And he's a real bully. He's taking money from this innocent young high school girl. BUSTER Oh, I don't think I can help you. I don't wanna be a monster anymore. PERFECTO Can't you just show him a little thunder? Just to scare him a bit? RON And that's when Buster saw the woman he'd come for. BUSTER I'm sorry. I have to take care of something. BUSTER Lucille Two. I've been looking for you. LUCILLE TWO Buster? You look different. Something's happened to you. BUSTER Yes. I've been with a black woman. LUCILLE TWO I was talking about your hand. BUSTER Oh, this huge thing? Yeah, it's new. Of course, the week after I got it the six came out. You can play a flute with that one. It comes with a flute. But I'm not here about that. I'm here about this. LUCILLE TWO What is this? BUSTER Oh, just pictures of Herbert Love with a lady of the night. And he's gotten himself into some pretty hot ham water this time. I want you to humiliate him and win the election. LUCILLE TWO That's my wig. Buster, this is priceless. Why are you giving it to me? BUSTER Because I want to hurt him. LUCILLE TWO I've never known you to wanna hurt anybody. BUSTER Well, I hurt my mother, didn't I? I missed her trial and she cut me out of her life, but I'm over that! LUCILLE TWO Really? Then you have me to thank for that. BUSTER What do you mean? LUCILLE TWO Oh, Buster. You think missing her trial was an accident? BUSTER Yes. LUCILLE TWO Buster, I helped you with that. BUSTER What? RON Although "helped" might not be the best… RON … description of what she did. In fact, she’d been laying in wait for him. TEXT THE NIGHT BEFORE THE TRIAL… LUCILLE TWO Oh, Buster. Hello. RON And once she'd gotten… RON … Buster into the apartment, she eschewed the all-natural juice for the kind with cartoon animals and riddles on the box. RON The type Buster had been known to have a weakness for. BUSTER Thank you. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… RON And soon the partying was off the hook, with Buster drinking right out of the box. LUCILLE BUSTER Ah, this is just like Mother's Day Eve! This is brilliant. BUSTER Comes right into the restroom while I was tinkling. RON Although at one point, he did have something close to an insight. BUSTER I mean, how do you miss a sign like that? SIGNS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STICK YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND? SIGNS DON’T BE SURPRISED IF SOMEONE USES YOU AS A FOOT STOOL BUSTER I was tinkling! BUSTER You kept me from Mother! You sent her to prison? And this whole time I thought about getting back together with you! LUCILLE TWO Well, you're a little late, honey, I've been dating your father for the last couple of weeks. RON Buster was in a whirl. Confused and betrayed, he wanted to punch something. Which is why he went here. SIGNS DONKEY PUNCH BUSTER Hey! I need to punch something. Even if it is a poor little donkey. RON But it wasn't that kind of donkey punch. GENE Oh, no punch for you. Juice. BUSTER Oh, I need some juice. GENE PARMESAN Perhaps uno mas, senor, to feed to the fishes. Gene Parmesan, this is not my real job. HERBERT Okay, I'll talk to you later, I've got to go give my speech. RON And that's when Buster heard his target. BUSTER You! HERBERT Oh, hey, it's the Blind Side Monster. RON And so he blind-sided him and became one. RON And it was amidst the rampaging of the blowback... RON ... that a juiced up Buster noticed something horrifying. TEXT CAM BUSTER Oh, no. I'm in the movie. Oh no! RON On the next Arrested Development... RON Buster tries to cover his tracks. BUSTER Hey, nephew. GEORGE MICHAEL BUSTER New hand. GEORGE MICHAEL It’s cool. That’s cool. BUSTER You know that super-duper privacy software you have? Does that work on security cameras? GEORGE MICHAEL Of course, yeah. It works on everything. BUSTER May I borrow it? GEORGE MICHAEL One second. GEORGE MICHAEL Here you go, uncle Buster. I put it on a hard drive for you. Just please be careful with it. BUSTER Of course. Of course. You got one with a case? BUSTER Hey, Carl. CARL Buster! RON And Buster visits a Balboa Towers guard he'd known for many years for an impromptu lesson on how their footage is gathered and stored. BUSTER Hi. How are you? What is all this? CARL Why, this is, uh, the reason why I get to watch everybody. BUSTER And this is what? Uh, there’s the back and there’s the-- May I use your phone, to, uh--? RON But when Carl steps away… CARL Yeah, right over there. BUSTER Okay. CARL I’ll be right back. BUSTER Mm-hm. RON …Buster goes into action and attempts to fakeblock the footage. BUSTER Oh. Sounds like it's working. BUSTER CARL Buster. BUSTER Hey, Carl. CARL Everything okay? BUSTER Mm-hm. Bye Carl. CARL Bye bye, Buster. BUSTER Okay. BUSTER CARL What she did to this boy.