BARRY BARTENDER CARTER CONCIERGE CREWMEMBER DAVID DONNY DONNY_RICHTER GEORGE GEORGE_MICHAEL GOB HERBERT_LOVE HIGH_SCHOOL_GIRL_ONE HIGH_SCHOOL_GIRL_TWO JIM_CRAMER KIDS KITTY LINDSAY LOVE_SUPPORTERS LYNDA MAEBY MAEBY_FEATHERBOTTOM MAEBY_FINKE MAEBY_FLUNKE MARKY MICHAEL MORT REBEL REPORTER ROCKY RON SALLY SALLY_SITWELL_LUCILLE SECURITY_GUARD SENIORS SHAMAN SIGNS SLUT STEVE_HOLT TAYLOR TEXT THE_WIDOW_CARR TOBIAS TYLER WAITRESS RON High school seniors often find themselves in their first relationship. PERFECTO How was that? MAEBY Perfecto. RON This is Maeby Fünke. And during her senior year she was dating this boy. TEXT MAEBY FÜNKE HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR TEXT PERFECTO TELLES BOY RON His name was Perfecto Telles. And she was rewarding him for doing her English homework, even though English was his second language. MAEBY And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French. RON Everyone could see that they had… RON …chemistry together, but it wasn’t until… RON …Donny Richter's Algebra class that the real bonding began. DONNY I don’t wanna embarrass anyone, so everyone close your eyes. Close ‘em. Now, if you passed the test, go ahead and get up and exit the classroom. CREWMEMBER Does that include the crew? DONNY RICHTER No, of course, the Babies Having Babies crew can keep their eyes open. PERFECTO Thirty-eight. MAEBY Nope, forty-three, but that’s because I’m good with num-- Oh, no, actually, it’s thirty-four. PERFECTO Well, if it’s dumb to stay behind with you, call me a dummy. DONNY RICHTER We don’t say ‘dummy’. And unfortunately, you two alge-tards are gonna need some special tutoring. RON Which is how they found themselves headed to the local college along with the other math-challenged students. KIDS ? Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around-- ninety-seven / ninety-five / eighty-three --bottles of beer on the wall. ? PERFECTO Hey, when we get there, don't forget you're Perfecto's woman. I don't wanna hear about some smooth college guy who stole you away from me. MAEBY Are you kidding me? What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids? RON This kind. GEORGE MICHAEL Hey, you must be-- What? MAEBY George Michael? GEORGE MICHAEL Huh? What is this? Maeby, what are you doing here? MAEBY Oh, my God. GEORGE MICHAEL As I live and breathe, I-- I thought you were the girl. I’m supposed to tutor a kid from… MAEBY High school. Yeah. That’s me. GEORGE MICHAEL Crazy. That is just-- MAEBY Mm-hm. GEORGE MICHAEL --crazy. Well, wait. Why are you in high school? Didn’t we graduate together five years ago? RON It was a decent question. After all it had been several years… RON …since the two high school seniors got somewhat intimate. GEORGE MICHAEL You might not even be related to us. RON But later, while fleeing… SIGNS C-WORD RON …the boat party, George-Michael got some advice on the matter from his father. MICHAEL She might not be a blood relative, but she is still family. RON So after… RON …returning, worn from the harsh winds of the sea… GOB I got a whole bunch of yes! Yes! RON …George-Michael found the girl he now had to back away from… GOB Look who got a yes! RON …on her back. GEORGE MICHAEL Maeby! Are you okay? What are you doing? MAEBY Shh. Shh. I’m trying to get my parents to notice me. I’ve been here for like an hour and a half. RON It had been seven minutes. GEORGE MICHAEL Do you think it would help if I went over and said, like, “Hey, Maeby’s dead”? MAEBY No, that would just mean that they notice you. GEORGE MICHAEL Well, obviously, they’ve just got a lot on their plate right now. I mean, they’re clearly busy. TOBIAS ? No, it’s just a phallus-eee! ? GEORGE MICHAEL What is that from? MAEBY It’s from nothing. GEORGE MICHAEL Why don’t you cough or something? MAEBY Oh, right. Like I’m dy-ing. LINDSAY There’s nothing keeping us together. GEORGE MICHAEL / MAEBY TOBIAS I believe we’re thinking the same thing. GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, God! But, you know, I’m actually-- I’m glad to have a moment alone with you, because it gives us a chance to talk about us. You know, I really care about you-- MAEBY Oh, boy, here we go. You wanna get more serious. RON And Maeby didn't. Because, and I never told you this, but George-Michael wasn't a very good kisser. RON It seems he both used his tongue to fend off the intruding tongue, but also laterally moved his lower jaw while constricting his lower lip. The upper lip meanwhile tended to retract, revealing an exposed area from the front teeth to the canines, ultimately creating more pain than pleasure. Really, just rookie mistakes… RON …but all of it conspired to make Maeby concerned about him wanting to get more serious. GEORGE MICHAEL No, less serious. MAEBY What? GEORGE MICHAEL Well, my dad doesn’t think that it’s such a good idea for you and me to be together. MAEBY And that doesn’t make me hotter to you? GEORGE MICHAEL No, I could see that argument, I-- I-- You know, I think we should just be cousins. MAEBY So first my parents don’t notice that I drown, and now my cousin doesn’t care that I’m at the height of my sexuality. GEORGE MICHAEL Well, sure I care, and it-- You know, I’m right there with you. We’re a couple of, uh, forces of nature. MAEBY What? GEORGE MICHAEL Forces of nature. Or-- But, I just really need to focus on graduating right now, and maybe you should, too. You know? Maybe that’s the best way to get your parents’ attention. MAEBY That’s a great idea. I’ve got two whole months to flunk. That’s gotta disappoint them. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one daughter who had no choice but to keep her life together. It's Maeby’s Arrested Development. RON Maeby was trying to… RON …get her parents to notice she was flunking-- MAEBY So for some reason, they didn’t send me a cap and gown, and I was gonna make one out of sheets, but I couldn’t find-- RON …--only to discover that Maeby's graduation wasn't "top-of-mind" for her parents. MAEBY They left town. RON So she put her plan to put her graduation on hold on hold-- RON --and headed off to India-- MAEBY No, we don’t need that many extras. RON --where she’d… RON …be working at what was once just her after-school job. LYNDA Well, it might be more expensive to use less, because you’ve gotta clear them from the shot. MAEBY Right. Okay, do we have to pay them in money or in rice? LYNDA If they’re in the union, you have to pay with rice. MAEBY These unions are killing us. RON The movie she was supervising was the latest in her Terrifying-Grandmother… SIGNS PRINCIPAL DIGITOGRAPHY HAS BEGUN ON… GANGIE V GANGIE ON THE GANGES EAT, PREY, LOVE, RUN! RON …Gangie franchise, this one taking place in India. MAEBY All right. I say we get ten thousand extras, and then that way we have it. LYNDA That way we have it. MAEBY Yeah, we have it. LYNDA It’s good to have it. TOBIAS I am going to start wearing this back home. MAEBY You’d think someone would tell her to shave her arms, the poor thing. RON And soon she and… RON …her team arrived and headed off to the hotel-- MAEBY Gangee on the Gan-jeez? That doesn’t even make sense. RON --where she found out why her mother wasn't at the graduation that Maeby also wasn't not at. LINDSAY You don’t get it. Not used to Third World hotels. CONCIERGE No, you don’t get it. You’re so full of sh--. MAEBY Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Do we have a hair and makeup crew with us? LYNDA Pretty makeup or scary makeup? MAEBY Scary. LYNDA Well, I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. MAEBY Perfect. RON And that's how Lindsay ended up receiving this spiritual advice. LINDSAY --so full of passion. MAEBY You are so full of sh--. LINDSAY Yeah. Yeah. MAEBY Pull your head out of the sand. Love is where you left it. LINDSAY The only person back home is Tobias. MAEBY You have no children? LINDSAY No. Why do you ask? Well, yes. A daughter. She’s away at a boarding school in England. MAEBY Is that where we left it? RON Although you'd think this would have given her away. SHAMAN Please don’t squeeze the shaman. RON And while it did bring… RON …the family back together-- MICHAEL Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you’re out of ideas. LINDSAY Says the least spiritual man I know. RON --it did make it harder for Maeby to make this insult stick. MAEBY Don’t you think it makes you seem a little, um, what is that saying? Full of sh--? LINDSAY Thank you, Maeby. That’s actually a compliment in India. MAEBY My own fault. LINDSAY I’m here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it. RON But soon the Fünkes took their new spirit of love and togetherness into a place where they would seldom… RON …run into each other. MAEBY Okay! MAEBY Going back to school! Senior year! RON And Maeby enrolled in a new high school for her senior year. MAEBY No? No one cares? This is usually a tough time for teens. This is when drugs often become an issue. RON …to see if her parents would notice she should have already graduated. MAEBY Time for babies havin’ babies! TOBIAS Is Babies Having Babies on? That’s my favorite show. Oh. Ow. Ooh. LINDSAY Mother’s Day Eve was the most joyous day of the year. Maeby, you’re gonna be late for school. RON And although they did share one Thanksgiving… TEXT TWO MONTHS LATER… RON …together-- TOBIAS It’s not on. RON --they didn't realize they were doing so-- LINDSAY Why would they preempt Babies Having Babies for a turkey cartoon? RON --having celebrated it one week earlier, when they found… TEXT ONE WEEK EARLIER… RON …that duck in the cupboard, tried to cook it… RON …alive… TOBIAS Duck l’orange. RON …got scared and then ended up… SIGNS CHINA GARDEN RON …eating it in a Chinese restaurant. WAITRESS Okay, yeah. We cook the duck for you. SIGNS MAEBY FÜNKE CLUBS: EALING, FRIARS QUOTE I’M OUT OF HERE! RON Nonetheless, Maeby was doing well in school… RON …and might have graduated had this not happened. LINDSAY I’m sorry, Tobias, but we’re trying to save something that just couldn’t be saved. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby? TOBIAS Lindsay, I have met someone. It’s not important who it is. TOBIAS Erase this message and I’ll leave her a message. LINDSAY Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone. RON But at least her father was choked up. TOBIAS Maeby, your daddy’s not gonna be around anymore. TOBIAS Excuse me. Uh. swallowed a bug there. Uh, your daddy’s not gonna be around anymore. THE WIDOW CARR This is the Widow Carr… SIGNS CARR REALTY GROUP THE WIDOW CARR …and for some reason, it’s my job to tell you that since you never made payment, your house is being foreclosed. Also, Tobias, you got a callback for something called The Big Bang Theory. RON Having lost her parents… SIGNS CARR REALTY RON …and her house, Maeby stopped bothering with high school, skipped… RON …her grandmother's trial, and… SIGNS IMAGINE ENTERTAINMENT RON …headed to L.A. She now had to make sure that she had an income. KITTY Guess what? MAEBY What? KITTY I'll just tell you 'cause I feel like-- MAEBY Yeah. KITTY …we'll be here forever and I have a meeting. Um, you're fired. MAEBY Why? KITTY Well, because you don't have a high school diploma, and we have a very strict policy here that everyone has to have a high school diploma on account of the fact that Ron never graduated. MAEBY Is this really happening? KITTY Actually, I was thinking I wasn’t even gonna have to fire you, ‘cause it’s been on Deadline all day. MAEBY How did they find out? SIGNS TOLDJA! FÜNKE FLUNKS IMAGINE. NON-GRAD, RON MAD KITTY Does it even matter anymore? MAEBY Yeah, it does. KITTY I told them. RON With no parents, no job, and no place to live, Maeby had squat, which is… RON … exactly what she decided to do at her grandparents’ penthouse. and that's when Maeby did what we in the entertainment industry call-- MAEBY Come on. RON …--deadlining MAEBY What? RON On the plus side, each parent thought she was with the other-- LINDSAY We’re not moving in, we’re occupying this place. RON --so Maeby was as free as that bird. MAEBY MARKY Cindy? Are you okay? All right, this’ll be where she goes. RON So she retreated to the long… RON …abandoned model home, where she discovered it's a lot harder to get out of a Bluth home, than into one. MAEBY Pieces of sh--. RON And maybe it was because she had never fully disappointed her parents, and they were getting older… RON …or perhaps it was because there was no internet at the model home-- SIGNS NO INTERNET CONNECTION MAEBY That is it. This is like living in 1999. RON But that's… SIGNS SENIORS SIGNS MAEBY FINKE QUOTE: %0.5 OF THE GROSS, WITH BUMPS FOR EVERY TEN MILLION OVER FIFTY. RON …when Maeby became a high school senior for the third time, and then a fourth. SIGNS MAEBY FEATHERBOTTOM RON And then it just sort of… SIGNS YOUR SENIOR CLASS SIGNS MAEBY FLUNKE QUOTE: LIFE IS A ROOFIE CIRCLE HOBBIES: HIGH SCHOOL RON …became what she did. And it ultimately led to this. MAEBY So I’m still gonna stay in high school. Until they notice me. You know, just, like, let them think, “Oh, no. Should we be worried? Is she really that immature?” GEORGE MICHAEL Yeah. Well, I mean, isn’t it, uh, kind of a little immature to try and make your parents worry like that? MAEBY Oh, that's good. I’m gonna try and work that in there. GEORGE MICHAEL No, I think it’s in there. Yeah, well, let’s get you in here before our-- Our third roommate shows up. That’s Paul Haun. MAEBY Hi. So there’s three people who live in here? GEORGE MICHAEL Yeah, well, one guy is just kinda crashing here. MAEBY Well, it can’t be worse than living with your dad. GEORGE MICHAEL It’s not. No, it’s not worse than that. RON And later, she was joined by her uncle. MICHAEL Didn’t say it was your cousin. Now, that’s smart. Let ‘em think there’s a girl in here. MAEBY Yeah, we were just complaining about roommates. MICHAEL Mm. P-Hound. MAEBY I thought it was the other one. GEORGE MICHAEL No, it was-- It was P-Hound. Yeah. MICHAEL Just he’s the worst. I think if George Michael and I didn’t have each other as roommates, we’d be going crazy. RON And for a moment, Maeby felt superior to her cousin. And her uncle for that matter. MICHAEL Actually, have you told her about your software? MAEBY No. Software? MICHAEL He’s got this privacy software, keeps people from stealing your stuff. Tell her, pal. RON Maeby tried to hide her jealousy. MAEBY So it’s privacy software that’s also anti-piracy? Do you have a way of doing this? GEORGE MICHAEL Well, it’s just a Boolean-driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps" which uses false meta-data on top of a Fortran architecture to create a fake profile that misdirects and reroutes copiers--or users away from anyone's personal information and property, so, you know, no matter what, you can even have friends over, you know-- RON But as she listened to her cousin discuss computer technology she had no understanding of, she lost that feeling of superiority. And her self-esteem plummeted as she started to question the entirety of what she had done with her life for the last several years. GEORGE MICHAEL --you’re-- You’re listening to music and they wanna steal your music and copy your movies, or-- Or just look at your photos, you know, this prevents that. It just neutralizes that so it’s not even a threat. It’s called Fakeblock. MICHAEL Great name. GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, you know, it’s super low-hanging fruit. Someone’s gonna do it. We’re just trying to be those guys, you know? MICHAEL I don’t understand a word of it, but it works. You should see his Facebook page. Doesn’t have a friend on it. RON Of course, that last part had nothing to do with Fakeblock-- GEORGE MICHAEL Thank you, Dad. RON --but it did help George Michael's self- esteem. RON Maeby was feeling discouraged as she got back on the bus for high school. HIGH SCHOOL GIRL ONE Hey. Do you wanna get high with us behind the gym? HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TWO Wait. We don’t know her. I hear there’s an undercover cop at school. HIGH SCHOOL GIRL ONE Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they’re in their twenties? HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TWO MAEBY Well, it’s pretty gutsy, right? I mean, it’s better to take the risk, right? HIGH SCHOOL GIRL ONE Yeah, maybe you’re right. HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TWO Yeah, maybe you’re right. Cop. HIGH SCHOOL GIRL ONE Cop. PERFECTO Hey. How was your tutor? He’s not gonna take you away from me, is he? MAEBY Well, not until his software hits and he can buy me an apartment. I’m living in a -hole. PERFECTO I hear they’re hiring at Chipotle. RON And that's when Maeby realized maybe she should have graduated high school. MAEBY Could I get a Macallan Twelve neat? Water back. BARTENDER ID? MAEBY Actually, can we make it a-- Marry me. A Wild Turkey? BARTENDER I still need to see some ID. MAEBY Right. There you go. BARTENDER I’m supposed to believe you’re seventeen? MAEBY Oh. Nope. Sorry, that’s my fake for sneaking back into high school. Here you go, twenty-three. BARTENDER Oh, you’re Maeby. Well, you can have one, but you got quite a bar tab. MAEBY I’ve gotta graduate. I mean, I gotta start bringing some cash in, you know? BARTENDER Yeah. MAEBY Everyone’s just passing me by. George Michael, Kitty Sanchez-- CARTER Drinks for the house. MAEBY This guy. BARTENDER These guys are making a fortune off that To Entrap a Local Predator show they’re on. TAYLOR Were. They won’t let us shoot in Laguna. MAEBY You guys looking for a new bait house? RON And that's how she made enough money to at least pay for her bar tab. PERFECTO Hey, guys. CARTER Hey, Perfecto! BARTENDER Isn’t this guy a little too young to be in here? TYLER No, no, no. He’s with us. RON But later, when returning from the restroom, she noticed this. PERFECTO There you are. CARTER So are you fitting in over there? At the high school? MAEBY He’s a cop. CARTER They accepting you? RON And… RON …as she returned to the high school for eighth period, even getting a diploma seemed to be in jeopardy. MAEBY Barry? BARRY Maeby. You scared the besh-- out of me. MAEBY What are you doing here? BARRY Well, I could ask you the same thing. MAEBY I go to high school here. BARRY I could answer the same thing. I was just looking for something more believable. MAEBY Speaking of believable, I was going ask you a question about that. Um, can somebody get kicked out of high school if they’re too old? I think I was made at a bar. BARRY Ah. I know this part of the law very, very well. After twenty-one, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk-- Lurk. What, have they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can’t even see into the locker rooms from here. MAEBY Okay, so what do I do? Because the guy who caught me goes to school with me. BARRY Oh, well, that’s easy. You get something incriminating on him. Call me in the office, we’ll discuss it. And then I can also keep a record, you know, for billing and so forth. MAEBY Yeah, well, maybe I’ll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill. BARRY Very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono. RON Knowing that she could very well be kicked out school, Maeby went in search of an overdue… SIGNS BALBOA TOWERS RON …check at the penthouse. RON And as she was checking out the mail-- MAEBY Oh, my God! Oh! RON --she ran into an ostrich in heat that was interested in checking out the female. MAEBY And she wouldn’t even let me buy a cat. RON And after freeing the ostrich to eventually find love on the adjoining balcony, she was back searching for a long overdue royalty check. SIGNS PAY: FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS AND 00 CENTS SIGNS TO THE ORDER OF: MAEBY FÜNKE SIGNS FROM: GANGIE 4: FACELIFT RON In fact, it had arrived one day earlier. LINDSAY “From Gangie for facelift.” Mother. RON But she did find that she was being honored at an award show dedicated to the achievements of young people in the entertainment business. SIGNS MAEBY FÜNKE THE OPIE AWARDS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD MAEBY I’m getting an Opie? RON And it did boost her esteem. MAEBY Hey. RON The only bigger… SIGNS OPIE AWARD RON …honor would be having an award like that named after you. I guess. RON Days later, however, she was called to Donny Richter's classroom. MAEBY Hey. You wanted to see me? DONNY Mm, yeah. I got you tacos. I hope that’s okay, because you’re gonna sit here through lunch and study. MAEBY No, I can’t. I can’t. DONNY Young lady, you better pull it together or you’re not gonna graduate. What is it gonna take to get you to focus? Are you on drugs? Because, from what I hear, there might be an undercover cop in this school. RON In fact, it was an undercover cop she was searching for a way to incriminate. DONNY How long do you wanna stay in high school? You’re seventeen. RON And that's when she remembered that Perfecto thought she was seventeen, too. MAEBY You know what? I think I will do better once I get a little Mexican in me. SIGNS CENTURY PLAZA SIGNS BLUTH COMPANY RON Maeby got her cousin to drive her to the Opies so she could impress him with her achievements. MAEBY Well, I’m gonna go mingle with a bunch of thirteen-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade. Have fun. GEORGE MICHAEL I’ll catch up. SIGNS THE OPIE AWARDS RON And Maeby ran into her old studio boss, Mort Meyers. MORT As I live and breathe. MAEBY I’m actually getting the Lifetime Achievement Opie tonight. MORT I’m very sorry. MAEBY Yeah. MORT No. They only give that award away to somebody after they die or, even worse, after your career is dead. MAEBY Really? MORT Well, consider yourself lucky. They told you your career was over. I didn’t find out until I was locked out of my office, ‘cause, see, I-- I passed on Hunger Games. It wasn’t the most graceful of exits. MORT That’s the way the cookie crumbles. MORT This is for you. Thanks, man. No, actually… MORT …the exit was pretty graceful. I think I just remember it that way ‘cause it got dicey when I was sneaking back in to take a sh-- in Sid’s desk. MORT But do what I do. When… MORT …they kick you out of the business, save face by starting your own internet company. We’re having a big announcement today. MAEBY You started an internet company? MORT It’s the real deal. It’s a system that automates provisioning and programmable overlay for multi-tenancy across multi-user overseas-- RON And once again, she found herself with someone who had not only moved on with their life, but done so in ways she couldn't understand. MORT --financial transactions. It’s called Schnoodle. MAEBY Schnoodle. MORT Take a hat. We got eighteen thousand of ‘em. RON And that's when Maeby ran into a friend she knew from her days at Imagine. MAEBY Rebel. Hey. Hi. How are you? REBEL In hell. Uh, I hate the Opies, but whenever Bryce gets pregnant, guess who gets a call. And you’re getting a lifetime achievement award, huh? MAEBY You know, I can laugh about it. I can laugh, because I’m actually on the upswing. I was just telling Mort here that I’ve actually started my own internet company. I was just about to tell you. MORT Well, if you need a name, I’m the guy who came up with Schnoodle. How do we know each other? REBEL We don’t. MORT That’s what it is. MAEBY Well, Schnoodle’s dead. Fakeblock is the next big thing. It’s called Fakeblock. GEORGE MICHAEL What’s this? You’re talking-- Talking about Fakeblock? MAEBY Yes, your privacy software. REBEL Oh. How does your privacy software work? GEORGE MICHAEL Huh? It’s private. Can I talk to you, please? Thank you. I don’t want people to know that I’m doing this. MAEBY Everybody has to know about this, okay? This could be big for me. I could make Fakeblock huge. GEORGE MICHAEL No, Maeby, there is no company. Fakeblock is just a software that I’m developing, and the whole point is that it’s private. So you can’t be telling people about it. MAEBY No, we gotta tell people about it. I just got a lifetime achievement award. I’m finished. And also, I think you should consider calling it The Fakeblock. It’s cleaner. Like The Netflick. GEORGE MICHAEL It-- It’s just not ready. Okay? There’s still a bunch of programming problems. MAEBY You can get it ready, George Michael. What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo? GEORGE MICHAEL No, that would be a bloodbath. MAEBY Yeah, a total bloodbath. GEORGE MICHAEL We have no money to start a business. MAEBY Don’t worry. I’ll get the ball rolling with some free publicity when I accept my award. Come on, this could be my only chance to be a Harris. GEORGE MICHAEL A Harris? MAEBY All right, fine. You can still be the boss. Okay? I just don’t want people to know that I’m working with my cousin. So you are not my cousin. You are not George Michael Bluth. GEORGE MICHAEL Done. I’m-- I’m great with that. In fact, you know what might really help us sell is-- Oh, heiress. You meant to-- You don’t pronounce the ‘h’, and that’s not what heiress means. MAEBY I pronounce the ‘h’. GEORGE MICHAEL No, but that’s not how the word is said. You know, we say words the way we same them for a reason. REBEL So, what is this? Is this another one of these social networking things? Because I am so over those. I tried to deactivate my Facebook profile. It’s easier to get out of Scientology. MAEBY Well, this is actually the opposite of Facebook. It is the anti-social network. It prevents piracy. Right? REBEL Really? Rebel Alley. GEORGE MICHAEL George Mi- Harris. REBEL George Miharis, huh? RON And that's how George Michael finally got that new name. It felt like a good fit. Strong, rugged… GEORGE MICHAEL Yes. RON …untainted. GEORGE MICHAEL Yes. George Miharis. MAEBY Perfecto. GEORGE MICHAEL De nada. MAEBY That’s my undercover cop boyfriend. I’m trying to get him in bed. RON And Maeby set to work entrapping him into becoming a predator. MAEBY I know why you’re here. PERFECTO Promise me you won’t tell anyone at school. I’m-- I’m just a huge fan of teen stars. MAEBY Yeah. PERFECTO Yeah. MAEBY That’s very convincing. You’re a better actor than most of the kids here. Even Zack and Cody. PERFECTO Are they here? I thought they were filming a movie in Maui. MAEBY Look, I may only be seventeen, Perfecto, but I know you’re a cop. Yeah, there it is. That cop stare. I gotta tell you, I find it very sexy. PERFECTO Okay. Okay, all right. I’m a cop. I’m working here undercover. We’re hunting down an ex-CIA operative named Estevez who’s gone rogue, and-- It’s the kids from Modern Family. Sorry. He’s become a drug kingpin, and his son goes to Newport. There's something going down tonight or possibly even at Cinco, and that-- Rico! MAEBY Wow. You are good. PERFECTO I have to be. Young lives depend on it. MAEBY To be continued. PERFECTO You better believe it. Rico! RON On her way to accept her award, however, figuring she wouldn’t be at an event like this again, she stopped for some coconut shrimp, but narrowly missed the fifty-thousand dollar check with her name on it that her mother gave to her grandfather-- GEORGE SR. --that she can’t-- RON --who gave it to this man-- GEORGE SR. Got the check. HERBERT LOVE Oh, man. I am gonna put this on my wall. RON --who gave it to this man. RON Although in that moment she did gain some respect for her mother. LINDSAY --random act of senseless non-violence. RON And perhaps that's why she chose to share her problems with her. MAEBY I’m getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business. LINDSAY I tried. Tell your therapist I tried. MAEBY I’m not in therapy. LINDSAY Then I must have done something right. RON And soon she was saying farewell to Hollywood in a way… SIGNS THE OPIE AWARDS RON …she hoped they'd remember. MAEBY Thank you, Kirk Cameron, for that incredibly Bibley introduction. Okay, so tie yourself to your chair because this is gonna be a rough f--ing ride. I'm leaving this sh--ty dying business to join the software game. Double f--ing newsflash: I'm starting Fakeblock with George Miharis, the world's first anti-social network. So you know what? You can take this Opie and shove it up your a-! All right? Because I will f-ing punt the next g-- bon- who tells me I'm finished, you f---ing a--hats! So you can all go f-- yourselves. What? Sure. Please welcome the talented voices of Phineas and Ferb. Go f-- yourself. F-- you. RON And although… RON …she was pursued, she was able to shake security when a bigger problem occurred. SECURITY GUARD Right this way, sir. RON And after the explosion… RON …Maeby saw her mother whoring out her principals, and quickly lost the respect she had briefly held, and decided to call her on it. MAEBY Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that? LINDSAY I am not a whore. MAEBY Yeah, you’re a whore. RON As it turns out the exchange was witnessed by Herbert Love’s campaign manager, who, in possession of a third party check from "Gangie 4: Face Lift", was looking to trade some greenbacks-- DAVID Ma’am, is she yours? RON --for a redhead. MAEBY Unfortunately. DAVID Herbert Love would like to see her. You can arrange that? Obviously, discretion is appreciated. RON And that's how Maeby both got the seed money for her company-- MAEBY I’m the discretiest. DAVID Just to clear, I wanna hire her for prostitution. MAEBY Yes. No, definitely. Uh, that was clear. I’m gonna charge you for that. RON --and became her mother's pimp. Of course, the plan required… RON …getting back into her mother's good… RON …graces to trick her into turning a trick. LINDSAY Hi, sweetie. MAEBY Freebie. Hi. RON But the universe seemed to like the plan, and that’s how… RON …Maeby was able to get her mother to meet Herbert at the club that Maeby still belonged to. LINDSAY --call him. MAEBY I can call him for you, and I’ll-- RON Technically, she still had to talk her mother into having sex with him, but this was a woman who once wore… LINDSAY It is… SIGNS SLUT RON …this to a men’s… LINDSAY …obvious I’m not wearing a bra, right? RON …prison, so she felt she’d be okay. MAEBY Can you believe this? RON And soon she was pimping out George- Michael's software company as well. MAEBY Fakeblock, it’s exploded. I got my PR company fanning it, I even got it to the attention of Jim Cramer. GEORGE MICHAEL Jim Cramer? MAEBY He’s a guy I’ve worked with, and he even mentioned it on Mad Money. JIM CRAMER This Fakeblock thing is… SIGNS MAD MONEY JIM CRAMER …poised to explode! I never do this. It’s not even a stock yet. For all I know, it’s not even real! But I think this might be going through the roof! I’m calling it my first hypothetical buy! SIGNS HYPOTHETICAL BULL JIM CRAMER And this weekend, don’t forget to catch me in Gangie Four. Here’s a taste. SIGNS MAD MONEY SIGNS GANGIE IV COURTESY OF TANTAMOUNT PICTURES JIM CRAMER This old lady’s crazy! I’m raising the alarm level from ‘Don’t Leave the House!’ to ‘Board Up Your Windows!’ MAEBY Got it? DAVID Oh, I got it. RON Over the following days, Maeby was able to discreetly bring in cash from Herbert Love-- MAEBY Oh. Oh, shoot. RON --for services she got her mother to unknowingly render. MAEBY Why don’t you take him out to dinner? Hmm? Guys who are used to being charged, I mean, ‘in charge’, sometimes like it when the other person takes control. LINDSAY Hmm. Well, maybe I will. MAEBY How ‘bout the Balboa Yacht Club, huh? Put it on the family tab. LINDSAY Of course. MAEBY All right, have fun. I wish I could go out to dinner. What am I doing? This is disgusting. I’ve got money coming in. RON All the while putting money into the company… MAEBY …the ultimate privacy on the web until now. If you don’t believe me, do-- Do a something search on it. SIGNS FAKEBLOCK “…PUT UP THIS WALL” RON …and bringing in more cash as a result. Her self-esteem growing every day. Soon she had enough money for an apartment… RON …and to set up Fakeblock office. MAEBY All right. Um, you want some stock options? Yeah? All right, well, split it up with everyone. That’s for everybody. RON She even got George-Michael a cool retro company car. GEORGE MICHAEL Hi. You actually rented a little office. MAEBY Yeah. I don’t want you to see it yet, still setting it up with a little help from a wealthy benefactor. Lucille Two. GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, Gangie. MAEBY No. Lucille Two. Austero. GEORGE MICHAEL I don’t know who that is. MAEBY You don’t? GEORGE MICHAEL Never met the woman. MAEBY Well, she’ll be the one driving the staircar from now on. It was part of the deal. GEORGE MICHAEL You gave her my car? MAEBY Yeah, it’s technically hers anyways, ‘cause of the Bluth Company. But I did get you her 1988 yellow Cadillac. She only uses it to and from hip replacements. Uh, I guess that’s only funny if you know who she is. RON And with the extra cash even got around to… RON …spraying for pests at the model home where she was squatting. GOB --that I never got from you for the last forty years. MAEBY Hey, so, what do I owe ya? STEVE HOLT There you go. MAEBY That’s funny. I actually used to date a guy named Steve Holt. STEVE HOLT Steve Holt! MAEBY Yeah. That’s the guy. STEVE HOLT Ah. Yes. RON Although the house wouldn't remain pest free for long. STEVE HOLT Heck of a birthday this is shaping up to be. SIGNS CHABAD MITZVAH TANK RON In fact. It was about to get worse, and Maeby's privacy was about to get violated when her uncles… RON …barged in unannounced. MICHAEL Now, now, uh, no, I’ve got these things, uh, very, you know meticulously maintained-- MAEBY MICHAEL There’s-- There are some vultures. They might still smell Pete. RON And she still managed to continue seducing Perfecto into… RON …seducing her. MAEBY I’m, like, this top is completely see-through. I’ll put it on and show you. I’m, like, “Where am I supposed to wear this?” RON This high… RON …school senior was working three jobs. DAVID We have to be discrete. MAEBY What? RON And she did her jobs well. DAVID We have to be discrete. RON And soon… RON …it was time for Maeby to show George Michael the office. MORT Welcome! MAEBY I’m a softy. I hired the guy. He’s more like a mascot than anything. Mort, where’s my coffee? MORT Oh, damn. Oh, stupid Mort. MAEBY I know. It’s okay. Just focus. I’m gonna take the cart, and show George Michael his new office. Speechless, huh? MORT How do I get back? MAEBY Of course, when Fakeblock hits, we’re gonna have to ramp up real fast. This hangar can hold over five hundred nerds. GEORGE MICHAEL Maeby, we can’t afford this. And my software isn’t even ready. MAEBY Don’t worry about that. Just worry about the app being done on time for the big, public unveiling at Cinco. I’ll get the money. GEORGE MICHAEL Isn’t that in, like, three days? MAEBY Uh, no, that’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Quatro’s in two days. But we’ll be doing it on a boat, so I hope you don’t get seasick. You're doing the keynote. You're responsible for all of this. Come on. GEORGE MICHAEL What? No, I-- I-- I think we, uh-- MAEBY All of this. GEORGE MICHAEL All? I think we should delay the keynote. MAEBY You know, I’d say yes, but I don’t think we can. Just because of the sheer amount of money that you have on the hook for it. GEORGE MICHAEL Maeby, you’re fired! SIGNS BALBOA TOWERS RON Maeby had just lost a big career option… RON …when she ran into the current squatter of the penthouse. MAEBY Hi. MICHAEL Hey. Maeby. MAEBY Hey. MICHAEL Wow. What are--? What are you doing here? MAEBY I’m just here to see Lucille Two, actually. RON In fact, she was there to see Lucille Two’s so-called foster child, Perfecto. MICHAEL Oh, don’t-- Don’t wanna-- She tries to kiss me a lot. Come here for one second, I wanna talk to you about something very important. MAEBY Yeah, um, uncle Michael, I’m-- I’m really sorry about that whole voting you out of the dorm thing. MICHAEL Yeah. MAEBY You know, we never really meant it to get-- MICHAEL Ah! I knew it. I knew you didn’t understand it. I knew you guys were all-- ‘Cause I didn’t-- I don’t think I explained it very well, and it was very, very simple. I made it complicated. It was a four person vote. See, I voted against myself so that P-Hound… MICHAEL --and that’s the way that that scenario woulda worked out. What I later realized that was another scenario-- Maeby? That there was another scenario-- MAEBY Yeah. MICHAEL A C scenario. Scenario C. MAEBY I really gotta get going. MICHAEL Where you-- Okay. MAEBY I gotta-- Yeah. MICHAEL All right, well, before you do, I just need your signature here at the bottom. Doing a movie about the family. Right there. Thank you. MAEBY Yeah. Is that still happening? MICHAEL What do you mean? MAEBY I gotta tell you, I-- I think movies are dead. Maybe it’s a TV show. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… MICHAEL Thank you. MAEBY Mm-hm. MICHAEL I owe you one. MAEBY No, you don’t. RON And now a half hour late, Maeby went back to her plan of seducing an undercover cop. MICHAEL Hold-- Hold on one second. MAEBY Yes. MICHAEL Okay. RON And that's when Lucille Two saw a very real girl in her imaginary boy's room. RON And after, secure that she had something with which to blackmail Perfecto, she sought out a late payment from the Love campaign at Cinco. As it turns out, the Love campaign had just taken care of a threat of their own. LINDSAY Why can’t I do this? RON And that's when Maeby ran into her mother. LINDSAY Oh, Maeby. MAEBY Hey. LINDSAY Oh, hey, I need to apologize to you. That check you’ve been looking for, I had it. MAEBY Had. LINDSAY It’s not everything, but here’s some money. MAEBY Ma, let go. LINDSAY It’s dirty money anyway. Love gave it to me. RON Maeby felt bad. MAEBY He gave you money directly? LINDSAY If you can believe that. Anyway, this is your money now. And if you choose to do facial reconstruction, I mean the nose, right? RON But Maeby was more concerned about losing yet another income stream. MAEBY So he’s trying to snake the bottom bitch from my stable? RON And more importantly, her rep on the street, and she knew just who to go to about it. MAEBY He stole money from me. He’s a bully. So I want you to bad cop him for a little. Okay? PERFECTO So where is this bully? MAEBY He’s right there. PERFECTO The little guy with the cigarette? MAEBY No, the ripped black guy behind him. PERFECTO Oh. RON Perfecto was nervous-- PERFECTO I just-- I just didn’t look up high enough. RON --but headed off to do as told. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… DAVID Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? RON And later, after Herbert Love didn’t return, Perfecto did. MAEBY Hey. Did you do it? PERFECTO It’s taken care of. MAEBY All right. RON But that's when the party got out of control. LINDSAY What’s--? What’s going on? MAEBY Guess the blowback has started. Thank God I’m with an undercover cop. Pull out your gun. PERFECTO I don’t have a gun. MAEBY What kind of cop doesn’t have a gun? PERFECTO Okay, I’m not a cop. MAEBY But I saw your badge at the bar. RON In fact… RON …it was an anti-bullying badge. PERFECTO I just came by to thank you for getting me into that foster home. RON He’d received it from a police-run… RON …anti-bullying program at school. DONNY You’re never too old to stand up to a bully. PERFECTO I made up all that stuff to… PERFECTO …impress you. I’m just a senior. MAEBY A señor? PERFECTO I’m seventeen. Ha! MAEBY You’re seventeen? PERFECTO Yeah. MAEBY I’m twenty three. PERFECTO Oh, that’s a relief. I wasn’t supposed to be driving with you. MAEBY But we messed around. RON Oh, they did more than that. PERFECTO Don’t worry. Nobody saw. RON Except… RON …Lucille Two. And that's when Maeby, who… LOVE SUPPORTERS / LINDSAY Put up this wall! Put up this wall! RON …had spent so long lying to others and even herself finally had to admit she had made a huge mist-- MAEBY Ah, no. I’m fine. RON On the next Arrested Development... SIGNS SALLY SITWELL LUCILLE AUSTERO’S CAMPAIGN MANAGER CH9 NEWS RON Lucille Two becomes less of a threat to Maeby SALLY I have my own ideas now, but this is an ongoing investigation. We are pretty certain that this is where Lucille Austero landed. It is the way she usually falls. REPORTER Are you gonna run in her place? SALLY Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Let’s not bury her yet. We are all still holding out hope that she is indeed found. SIGNS VOTE FOR SITWEL RON But a new threat to Maeby emerges. MAEBY Shh. Stop it. What? PERFECTO Can’t we at least have break-up sex? MAEBY No. You’re seventeen. I’m a twenty-three-year-old woman. If anyone found out that we already had sex, it would be a major felony. DONNY Congratulations. You got your first ‘A’. MAEBY Oh, thank God. This ‘A’ is finally gonna get me out of high school. DONNY No, sex offender. Your ‘A’ is going to jail. MAEBY You can’t arrest me. You’re an algebra teacher. ROCKY Donny Richter is an algebra teacher. I’m Rocky Richter. I told you there was an undercover cop in this school. MAEBY Oh, God. I’m gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.