ANDY_RICHTER ANN ANNE_MURRAY AUCTIONEER BARRY BARTENDER BETTY BINGO_CALLER CHRIS_KAZMIERCZAK CHRIS_TRAUB COAST_GUARD DAVE DEBRIE FATHER_MARSALA FATHER_VEAL GEORGE_MICHAEL GEORGE_OSCAR_BLUTH_II GOB JBJ JOAN JOCKEY JOHNNY_BARK JOHN_BEARD JONATHAN_TYLER_TAYLOR JOSH JOSH_ABRAMSON LINDSAY LORNA LUCILLE MAEBY MARK_CHERRY MERCADO_CLERK MICHAEL MIRACLE_NETWORK_ANNOUNCER MORT_MEYERS PAPARAZZO PASTOR_VEAL REBEL RON SECURITY_GUARD SIGNS SIMON_AND_GARFUNKEL SINGERS STEVE TEXT TOBIAS TONIGHT TONY_WONDER TROUT TRUCK_DRIVER TWINK UNCLE_PAUL VEAL_FAMILY WOMEN SIGNS CHINA GARDEN RON Hollywood Boulevard at night is the playground of the hip, young and successful. SIGNS AND JEREMY PIVEN RON It was into this world that Gob Bluth had finally arrived, surrounded for the first time in his life by a group of admirers that comprised LA's latest young elite. RON There was Mark. TEXT MARK CHERRY RON A pop star who had a level of fame he could neither appreciate nor handle. RON Trout. TEXT CHRIS TRAUB “TROUT” RON A southern boy with a northern man’s taste in women. RON JBJ… TEXT JOHN BEARD J. “J.B.J.” RON …a weekend weatherman, an all week party boy and a huge disappointment to his father. RON Chris K… TEXT CHRIS KAZMIERCZAK “CHRIS K” RON …who was a lot like Trout but without the accent. RON Oakwood. TEXT JONATHAN TYLER TAYLOR “OAKWOOD” RON …a studio teacher, who might have had his own entourage if his part hadn't been cut from the pilot of Modern Family. RON And of course there was the man they called Getaway. TEXT GEORGE OSCAR BLUTH II “GETAWAY” RON Gob had come far in the years… RON …since his girlfriend was less than an hour from turning eighteen. GOB Look, why don’t we run the clock down on this thing? Why don’t you just go change into something a little less unflattering, and I’ll uh-- RON And he was getting everyone in the mood for romance. GOB Guess I’ll take my clothes off. RON While Ann less-unflattered herself up… TEXT MOMENTS LATER… RON …Gob had an unexpected visitor: Ann's ex-boyfriend, George-Michael… GEORGE MICHAEL Her? RON …who as it turned out, hadn't completely let go of the relationship. ANN GOB You’re lucky that I’m chasing after our girlfriend, or I’d have to flatten you-- GOB Way to plant, Ann. ANN You told me George Michael knew about us. GOB Well, he does now, my darling Plant. ANN Ann. GOB And, after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's a mouse behind your-- ANN GOB Well, as surely as there’s a mouse behind your-- ANN GOB Mouse behind-- ANN GOB Okay. You’re like the only person I know who doesn’t just love magic. RON A poll would confirm she… RON …was far from alone. JOHN BEARD …and it’s not even close. For the fifth year in a row, your least favorite entertainers are magicians. A close second: talk show sidekicks. SIGNS OUTWEST IN LOUNGE SIGNS OUTWEST MAGAZINES AVAILABLE ONLY TO TICKETED PASSENGERS EXCEPT IN SIGNS POLL AMERICA’S LEAST FAVORITE ENTERTAINERS SIGNS AND ITS NOT EVEN CLOSE. FOR THE 5 EAR IN A ROW YOUR LAST FAVORITE ENTERTAINERS SIGNS A CLOSE 2D TALK ANDY RICHTER Hm. F*** you, too, America. JOHN BEARD You can add newsmen to that list, ‘cause I quit. ANN We have… ANN …to make things right with George Michael. Otherwise, you don’t get to fourth base. RON Of course Ann's concept of fourth… RON …base… RON …was very different than Gob's. SIGNS JOCKEY ANN But… ANN …you have to promise me you’ll always be faithful. GOB Faithful? Of course I can be faithful. ANN Until tonight, when we’re together. GOB Oh, until tonight. Well, of course I can be faithful. Don’t be stupid. You think I can’t keep it in my pants in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family? Don’t be stupid. Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister, Lindsay? Don’t be stupid. She’s my sister. That’s gross. Now, you, you got some mice to scoop out of the sea. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Gob’s Arrested Development. RON On the day of the Queen Mary party, Gob remained faithful to Ann, even in the face of tremendous temptation. GOB Not related. RON But there would be no career making magic show. It seemed the only her Gob would be getting off that day was the Queen Mary. SIGNS COAST GUARD JOHN BEARD But then the Queen… SIGNS PURSED LIPS SINKS SHIP JOHN BEARD …changed course, heading back to shore, before crashing into the jetty and leaving most of its occupants all wet. SIGNS COAST GUARD GOB I want all these on the insurance form. Okay, these were all part of an act I was gonna do. Two drowned white doves for ‘Flowers to Doves’. This was a rabbit, for ‘Doves to Rabbit’, also drowned. These were mice-- TOBIAS For ‘Rabbit to Mice’! GOB No. That can’t be done. No, these were part of, uh, something I called ‘Mice-ellaneous.’ ‘Mouse in Purse’, ‘Mouse in Drink’, “Here’s a mouse, now it’s gone.” LUCILLE Fine. We’ll say they took it on a joy ride. TOBIAS How’d he do that? RON But it was another man that Gob needed to make things right with… GOB George Michael. RON …if he was ever going to deflower Ann Veal. GEORGE MICHAEL Uncle Gob. COAST GUARD …victims of the Bluth Family. GOB Are we good? GEORGE MICHAEL No. GOB No. How could we possibly be? But--? But are we--? Are we good? GEORGE MICHAEL No. You stole my girlfriend. GOB That’s a tough thing. And, you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself, “Are we good?” GEORGE MICHAEL Is it over between you guys? GOB Oh, no. But are we good? GEORGE MICHAEL I don’t know what you wanna hear from me, Uncle Gob. I mean, yes, we are good-- GOB There it is! There it is! Ah, from a nephew to his uncle, and just the ‘yes’. The much-vaunted ‘yes’. As good as it gets. Look at you, full of ‘yes’! Look at how much ‘yes’ is in you! I knew it. I knew I’d get that ‘yes’ from you. Look who got a ‘yes’! Got my yes! I got that big yes. RON And Gob realized that there was finally nothing standing in the way of a loving, committed relationship with Ann. LINDSAY My life is a fallacy. SIMON AND GARFUNKEL Hello, darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you-- TOBIAS Is that a gal I see? No, it’s just a phallus. Eee! RON So that night, as he broke into her house to break up with her… GOB GOB ANN Gob. GOB Oh. For a second, I thought that was a real guy. So listen, I talked to George Michael, and everything is cool. I need to tell you something, though. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I- I just don’t-- RON But as she unzipped her pajamas, it reminded him of past situations which he'd successfully been aroused. GOB Well, it can wait till after. RON And later, Gob once again tried to find a compassionate way to end the relationship. ANN So how did you like your egg? GOB I said you were fine. ANN So was there something you wanted to talk about when you came in through my window? Gob, what is it? GOB What- What is it? I- You- It’s the, the, the, the, the, the, the questions. You have so many of these- of these- of these, these, these questions that, that, that, that you keep asking the- the- for me to ask for- for- for- for- should--? Should--? Should--? Should I? Should I? Should I? Should, should, should, the--? Should the--? Should the g--? Should, should the guy? Should the guy in the fifty--? Should the guy in the--? In the thirty two do--? In the-- In the thirty two dollar pink b-b-b bath--? Should--? Should--? Should--? Should the--? Should the girl in the six thousand dollar tuxedo--? Should--? Should, the guy--? RON Gob was uncomfortable with the question. GOB Should--? Should-- In the thirty-two doll--? In the thirty-four hundred dollar--? Should the guy--? Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. ANN Just-- Just- Just- Gob, calm down. Listen, we had a great night together. I understand if you need your freedom. GOB Oh, marry me. ANN Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you, Gob! RON Of course, Gob meant it in the show-bizzy way his niece had always… RON …used when she was accused of being too young. MORT MEYERS What are you, like, fifteen? MAEBY Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. And may I add, marry me. RON But like many Evangelicals, Ann took it literally. ANN I’m getting married! VEAL FAMILY MRS. VEAL Oh! Praise Jesus! RON Gob was surrounded by unconditional love from a family for the first time in his life. SIGNS HOLY BIBLE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL Hello darkness, my old friend GOB I’ve made a huge mistake. SIMON AND GARFUNKEL I’ve come to talk with you again RON Gob shared his happy news at a meeting with his family. MICHAEL I’m sure Gob helped himself to the money. GOB Hey, I got mouths to feed. MICHAEL Mouths? GOB Mouth. Her. MICHAEL Oh, hey, Mouth. I didn’t see you sitting there. ANN We rode up in the elevator together. MICHAEL I’m blanking. GOB Yeah, me and Blank are gettin’ the old Christian magic act back together. I mean, you don’t expect people to actually believe that I’m Jesus if I’m walking around in rags. MICHAEL You’re resurrecting that mumbo-jumbo? GOB Look, everybody’s got a gimmick. Tony Wonder’s making a fortune with that gay magician act. SIGNS TONY WONDER I’M HERE I’M QUEER NOW I’M OVER HERE! RON Gob's long-time nemesis had come out of the closet and used it to great advantage in his act. GOB Besides, I… GOB …have to do something for the wedding. MICHAEL Who’s getting married? GOB Her. MICHAEL Who’s marrying her? GOB Me. Did I not open with that? MICHAEL You sure didn’t. GOB Yeah, I’m getting married! GOB I didn’t wanna make a big deal about it. MICHAEL You haven’t. GOB Well, my wedding’s gonna be religious-y and epic. And expensive, which is why I need more of that stimmy, Mummy. Thanks, Mike. MICHAEL And of course, Lindsay returns from her spiritual journey to get her hands in-- RON And perhaps it was all the talk of spirituality that led to this. SINGERS And As It Is Such So Also-- And As It Such So Also Such Is It Unto You. SIGNS AND AS IT IS SUCH SO ALSO AS SUCH IT IS UNTO YOU FATHER MARSALA And welcome to And As It Is Such So Also As Such Is It Unto You. FATHER VEAL Excuse me, Father Marsala, I hate to interrupt, but I am so excited today. My lovely Ann-- FATHER MARSALA Who? FATHER VEAL My daughter. FATHER MARSALA Oh. I didn’t know you had a daughter. FATHER VEAL You’ve met her several times. FATHER MARSALA Oh. FATHER VEAL She’s sitting right next to you. FATHER MARSALA Oh, that’s why she’s there. I thought you were hair. FATHER VEAL Hair? No, she’s my daughter, and she’s getting married. To this good man. FATHER MARSALA Well, and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you, young man. GOB You got it. Unto you as well, dear f-- Heavenly fathers. FATHER MARSALA Well, we have a really great show today, surrounding the scriptures-- GOB We have an announcement to make. I have an announcement to make. That we would like to televise our marriage here on this show. ANN No thanks. FATHER MARSALA Oh, um, we hadn’t heard of that. Did you--? FATHER VEAL Well, no, but that’s-- No. What an idea. I think-- FATHER MARSALA Well, this show is about the spirit of inclusion, so I would love to say-- GOB Well, great. Then I too, have an announcement to make. At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions. That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no god before me, because of its spectacularity. GOB And of course, I only propose to do this out of love for-- ANN Ann. GOB And God. Love for and God. Let me pray. SINGERS And As It Is Such So Also-- And As It Such So Also Such Is It Unto You. GOB Dearest… RON Gob was feeling bolder. Which was perhaps… TEXT TWO WEEKS LATER… RON …why Michael returned home to find this. GOB And yea, is it to be arisen, the third or fourth day, with all the magic of-- Jesus Christ! MICHAEL Sorry. Wasn’t on there too good. GOB MICHAEL You okay? GOB Yeah, it’s just part of my illusion for the wedding. MICHAEL Yeah? What’s the illusion? That you actually love the bride? GOB Hey. That’s good patter. Except for I need people to root for the Jesus character. MICHAEL I don’t remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder. Is it in there? GOB Oh, no, no, no. The boulder’s my escape plan. They think I’m somewhere else. I’m actually in the boulder. MICHAEL Huh. GOB But I didn’t come here to talk about my magic act, Michael. MICHAEL Okay. GOB I came to ask you to be my best man. Slash assistant. And then we’ll walk through the act later, of course. I mean, not now. At some point, though. MICHAEL Yeah, we’re not going to, ‘cause you know I’m out of the family? Did you not get that when I announced it over at Mom’s place? GOB I feel like I was out of the room at that point. MICHAEL I am… MICHAEL …done with this family. I hope you’ve saved some money, ‘cause you’re gonna need every dime now. SIMON AND GARFUNKEL Hello darkness, my old friend MICHAEL Well, the gist of it was… MICHAEL …“You know what? I’m done with this family. I hope you saved your money, ‘cause you’re gonna need every last dime now.” GOB Maybe you could be a centurion. Kinda standing over where they think that I’ll be. MICHAEL I’m not gonna be in the act. GOB Might be a great promotion for the Bluth Company. MICHAEL No, the Bluth Company’s done. I started my own company, Michael B Company. GOB I have a bee company. You stole my idea? MICHAEL Uh-uh. I did not steal your-- We sell h-- It would take hours. How’s that going, by the way? GOB Uh, not so good. I’ve been keeping the bees in my apartment. I was using my magic smoke on them. And my bees are dropping like flies. And I need them to fly like bees. And so I’ve got them out at the bee hospital, which is not cheap, which is another reason I need to be a famous magician. The whole thing is-- MICHAEL Yeah, well, listen, you’re with my son’s ex, so I can’t support the wedding. GOB What if I don’t actually get married? MICHAEL I don’t think you’d need a best man then, right? GOB No, I guess at that point, it’d really be more… assistant.’ MICHAEL Is this an escape act? Are you running again? GOB Yeah, what do you want from me? Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she’s not into it. Meanwhile, I’m working out like crazy, my diet has become insane… MICHAEL Yeah. GOB …and this Jesus character, I mean, he was shredded. Meanwhile, we have sex one time and then she’s just, you know, over it. Lets herself go. Her stomach’s out to here. MICHAEL You know, your whole life is an escape act, and this girl seems like she really likes you. Why don’t you just try to work it out and just stop running-- MICHAEL Yeah, I know you’re in the boulder. GOB But how’d I get in the boulder? RON And on the day of the wedding… RON …even though Gob didn't take it seriously, he was a little hurt to discover no one else in his family did, either. ANN I know it’s bad luck for you to see me in my gown before the wedding. SIGNS PASTOR VEAL GOB Well, hopefully I haven’t. ANN You’re angry. GOB Why? Because none of my family showed up and the only person I recognize out there is Tony Wonder, who’s only shown up hoping that I’d fail. ANN I don’t know what your surprise trick is, but I know it’s gonna be great. And as for your family, you have a new family now. GOB I don’t want these. GOB Tobias! TOBIAS Gob! GOB Thanks for coming. TOBIAS Well, how could I not? I’m playing Roman Centurion Number Two. What--? What are you playing? GOB I’m the groom. TOBIAS I didn’t know there was a groom part. You know, Betty at And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You casting told me this was all biblical. GOB Wait, you’re not here for the wedding? TOBIAS Well, thank you very much for your vote of confidence. I’ll have you know I worked for The Miracle Network a number of times. MIRACLE NETWORK ANNOUNCER Coming up next… SIGNS THE MIRACLE NETWORK MIRACLE NETWORK ANNOUNCER Father Marsala’s searing docudrama… SIGNS TONIGHT ON: THE MIRACLE NETWORK @6PM FATHER MARSALA’S JOHN THE BAPTIST SIGNS TONIGHT ON: THE MIRACLE NETWORK @8PM FATHER MARSALA’S EMBRYO DAN: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL LIFE SIGNS TONIGHT ON: THE MIRACLE NETWORK @10PM FATHER MARSALA’S A JEW CAME TO DINNER MIRACLE NETWORK ANNOUNCER …Father Marsala’s John the Baptist, then the anti-abortion drama Embryo Dan: It Would Have Been a Wonderful Life. And later, break out the bagels. It’s time for Father M’s light-hearted comedy, A Jew Came to Dinner. The Miracle Network. SIGNS IT’S GOOD, BY GOD! TOBIAS I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but… TOBIAS …His Word magazine called my Jew ‘pitiful’. RON But soon the wedding began. FATHER VEAL So it truly is a blessed day. I believe that we are all blessed, uh, to be gathering here at the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture. SIGNS HER? FATHER VEAL Uh, we have almost arrived at that glorious moment where we join together these two very special people, but first, my almost-son-in-law has something he’d like to share with all of us, so, um, ladies and gentlemen, uh, please enjoy a magical, uh, trick. GOB Thanks for that killer intro. It’s true, this is a magical trick, if what Jesus did was a trick. I say it wasn’t. It was an illusion. TOBIAS Ooh, they did not like that one. GOB I don’t take notes from you, Centurion Number Two. Just turn this thing around. GOB I am not the real Jesus. SIGNS LOVE EACH OTHER GOB I am the Amazing Jesus! No? I thought that that would be up your alley. Yes, the real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave a dead man. RON And Gob's escape boulder was wheeled up to the trick. GOB But was he crazy enough to do it handcuffed? TOBIAS Handcuff the King of the Jews! GOB Don’t have words here. No. Pastor Veal, if you don’t mind, please go up into the cave and assure everyone that there’s no way to escape. No trapdoors, no secret compartments, no way to get out. Thank you very much. SIGNS SHHHH! GOB Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God. You cannot tell a lie. Right? Nothing out of the ordinary? FATHER VEAL No, I- I didn’t see anything. GOB Yes! Jesus went into the cave, and he arose three days later, but I’m not gonna lock myself in a cave for three days before this wedding ceremony. No, no. No, no, no. I plan on beating his record by two full weeks! TOBIAS Into the cave with you! GOB No, I said don’t underline the ‘you’ in that. RON Unfortunately, Gob was not able to open the secret compartment that contained the handcuff key. GOB Not gonna work. Okay, uh, this isn’t gonna work. Let’s do-- Let’s do Mouse in Drink. Let’s do Mouse in Drink. Just get these people some drinks, we’ll just get a mouse. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. You know not what you do! You know not how this trick works! Oh no. Oh, please-- RON But it very clearly said in the Centurian's script to ignore the magician's protests. Which meant that, still handcuffed… GOB But if my hands are handcuffed, I’ll never-- RON Gob was unable to break his fall and was therefore knocked unconscious and as the Gob dummy was sealed inside the cave, the real Gob's fate was sealed as well. SIGNS CHURCH OF THE HOLY ETERNAL RAPTURE FATHER VEAL Well, I guess we’ll wait two weeks. And see if he’s in there. Is that okay with you, Ann? ANN He’s not coming back. RON Gob was stuck inside a fake boulder in the parking lot of a church. GOB Hey, kids. RON …while inside the church, the daily routine proceeded as usual. BINGO CALLER I-eighteen. I-eighteen. RON And the anticipation grew to a fevered pitch. FATHER MARSALA Eleven exciting days. Um, although nothing’s really happened. FATHER VEAL Day Eleven. Once he gets out, it’s going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding. ANN He’s not coming back. RON But it was Betty from And As… SIGNS ANNE MURRAY LIVE!! RON …It Is Such So Also As Such Is It Unto You that would render Gob’s escape act a disaster. TRUCK DRIVER You’ve gotta get of this thing. I got Mrs. Murray’s trailer here. BETTY Well, I guess if he comes back from the dead, we could just get a stepladder. Guys, this, too. RON And a hoarse, weakened, Gob was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit in Tustin. RON Although a keen eye could see that Gob was alive but not well. SIGNS HELP RON And that's why this particular chair was empty at the trial of Lucille Bluth. SIGNS CHURCH OF THE HOLY ETERNAL RAPTURE FATHER VEAL Well, I can’t thank you all enough for returning. RON At the end of two weeks, the big day finally arrived. Again. FATHER VEAL Now, let’s count down. Let’s have some fun. Uh, from five. Four… FATHER VEAL / CROWD Three, two, one. TOBIAS The dead will walk amongst us. N- No, he shan’t. For he ith not here. ANN I knew it. TOBIAS Oh, there’s a note. “If I have not yet returned, I am in the rapture.” Oh, and then it says, “Love each other.” SIGNS LOVE EACH OTHER MRS. VEAL What does he think we’ve been doing? UNCLE PAUL I- I loaned him a thousand dollars. RON Gob didn't fare much better than the bride... RON …finally being discovered on an episode of the auction reality show Locker Hawkers. SIGNS LOCKER HAWKERS SOMETHING SMELLS TERRIBLE EDITION AUCTIONEER Moment of truth, people. LORNA It’s a masker. BARRY Jesus. There’s a man in there. AUCTIONEER Packed, stacked and all that. Let’s get the bid started. A hundred dollars? Anybody? DAVE Nope! GOB LORNA He’s hissing. TEXT BUSTED MAGIC BIBLE BOULDER $0.00 FERAL JESUS $0.00 TOTAL: $0.00 LOCKER HAWKERS RON After a week in the hospital, Gob was happy to finally see a familiar shape. ANN You humiliated me. You made a mockery of my religion, and you ruined our wedding. GOB Our first fight. And like all fights, you’re a little right, I’m a little right. ANN I sold your cave on Craigslist. GOB So it was all worth it. We have money to start our life together. Now we have our nest, Egg. Ann. Now we have our- our nest, Ann. ANN I'm leaving you, Gob. I don't love you anymore. I feel sorry for you. And you're gonna be alone forever unless you let the holy ghost inside you. GOB The- The holy- Shh- Shho- Shoo- You shou- You show- You show- You show- ANN You know what? I hope you read this. SIGNS “O LET THE SON OF GOD ENFOLD YOU.” RON And maybe it was the fact that he had nothing in his system but two weeks of candy vines, but it did get through… RON …to him. GOB Steve! It’s me. Uh, I want- I want to let you know that I am- I’m- I’m ready to- to- to let the son of Gob enfold me. Have you been to the club ‘And’, owned by Jeremy Piven? I’m gonna be there tonight about eight. Maybe you could join me. I don’t-- Obviously, it’s- it’s me, your fa-- Ah, he got it. Okay. SIGNS AND JEREMY PIVEN RON Gob was waiting to meet his son… RON …at a bar and feeling a little vulnerable. GOB I lost my wife, lost my career. When I was in that storage unit at the bottom of that rock, it was-- It was like I hit-- STEVE Rock bottom? GOB No, no. Not that. More like a trending downward moment that just-- I don’t know. Maybe I’m being tested, like that guy Job from the bible. BARTENDER Job. GOB Yes? BARTENDER Job. GOB Yes, sir? BARTENDER Job. GOB Yeah. STEVE Look, I- I feel sorry you, Pops. GOB Hey, pal. Not that much older than you, guy. STEVE GOB No, I’m just here, I’m looking for my son. Trying to get some cash out of him, actually. STEVE You--? You have another son? I have a brother? Oh, man. GOB Yes, Steve. STEVE Yeah. What’s his name? GOB Dave. STEVE Dave Holt! GOB Yeah, Dave Holt! RON Yes, Gob had been speaking to his son for an hour and a half. TEXT 90 MINUTES EARLIER… GOB Wait, your mom’s name is Eve? Oh, my God. I f****d a chick named Eve once. Biggest mistake of my life. RON And perhaps it was because Gob was inadvertently was so warm to his son, that Steve offered him a job. GOB …really don’t owe that much money, but I don’t even have a job. STEVE Would you wanna come work with me? I mean, I-- GOB Are you serious? STEVE I- I mean, I- I’m in pest control, but “Father and Son?” What a great team. GOB It would be a great team. I mean, I don’t care. Pest control. I don’t know. As long as I’m not being a pest to you. STEVE No, never. GOB I mean, I’m kidding. Where is this--? Uh, where--? Where is your place of business? STEVE One eight one. GOB One eight one. STEVE Manville. GOB Manville. STEVE Manville. GOB What time do you start this pest control? STEVE Seven a.m. GOB I’ll be there at six forty-five with two cups of coffee. STEVE Oh, Dad. This is the greatest day of my life! GOB No. This is the greatest day of my life. STEVE Oh, gosh. RON And perhaps it was because it was such a great day that Gob decided to stayed at the bar and show off a little. GOB Right there, six forty-five. STEVE Six forty-five! GOB Six forty-five. GOB I bet it’s been a long time since you’ve seen your cherry. LUPUS SUFFERER I have lupus. GOB Could’ve warned a guy. RON But showing off did catch the attention of someone. JBJ That was the real deal, huh? How ‘bout this? How ‘bout you do that cherry trick for my boy, Mark Cherry? GOB Mark Cherry, the baby-faced singer, or Mark Cherry, the baby-faced show runner? JBJ Baby-faced singer. Right over there, man. He has loved magic ever since he was a kid. RON Which was two years earlier. When Mark Cherry was the star of a cable teen sitcom… SIGNS POP A R.O.T.C. RON …called Pop-a-ROTC, created by a longtime writing veteran of the TV.. show Cheers. Soon, Mark Cherry became a pop sensation off his co-written hit single "Practice Kisses.” MARK CHERRY Practice kisses JBJ I’ve got a gentleman who is… JBJ …about to do a magic trick for you. Ho! GOB No, no, it’s an illusion. A trick is something a whore does for-- JBJ Do a trick and I’ll pay for your bar tab. GOB Who wants a trick? MARK CHERRY Yay! What, what? Whoa! RON Gob had them in the palm of his hand. He even got the attention of a still out of control Rebel Alley, who was there doing research for an upcoming PSA… REBEL Do it again! Do it again! Let me see! GOB Fireball! REBEL Fire! Fire! RON …she'd soon be required to do by law. REBEL Never yell “Fire” in a crowded place. It’s never funny. REBEL That’s always funny. RON And she was intrigued by this magical man. REBEL Whoa! ENTOURAGE Whoa! REBEL That is a David Spade. GOB Check your purse. ENTOURAGE JBJ Nice. PAPARAZZO Hey, Mark! Look over here! JBJ Aw, man, paparazzo. REBEL What? Oh! Shoot! Great! The last thing I need is to be seen partying with some tweens. I’m trying to clean up my act. TROUT Dude, network’s gonna flip if there’s another drunk photo of you. MARK CHERRY I know. JBJ We gotta get you away from this place, okay? GOB Getting away is kinda my specialty. Don’t worry, I’ll have us out of here in a flash. TEXT SECONDS LATER… GOB All right, let’s get outta here while they still got lighter fluid in their eyes. JBJ Go, man. We got-- MARK CHERRY Nice. Nice moves, Getaway. TROUT Oh! GOB Okay. ENTOURAGE / MARK CHERRY RON Gob had been accepted into the group, which was bad news for Cherry's business manager’s son, Josh Abramson. SIGNS JOSH ABRAMSON “THE LEVEL-HEAD” RON Gob actually did end up… RON …driving down Manville at 6:45am. GOB This is it! This is--! I’ll be with you in a sec. I’ll be right there. Start without me. Just start without me! SIGNS STEVE HOLT! AND DAD PEST CONTROL STEVE He’s not coming back. RON Gob was living the dream and felt like he was in the center of the entourage. Even though he was three away from the center at the closest. And it was pop star Mark Cherry's dream. GOB Hey. No, I’m with- with the guys. MARK CHERRY Keep the limo running, Getaway. GOB That’s my job. RON The next few months were a blur of partying… ENTOURAGE GOB Do the-- RON …and shame. ENTOURAGE SIGNS HEY JOE WHATEVER FUN NITE PS I HAVE SIFALUS RON But Gob had a trick for helping him forget the shame. TEXT THE NEXT DAY… RON Unfortunately, it also helped him forget that he tried to forget the shame. TEXT LATER THAT DAY… GOB Hey! Remember me? I have myself a little bit of a empty bottle. RON And soon Gob found himself experiencing what on the street is referred to as a roofie circle. GOB I won’t forget his. RON Whereby a roofie is taken the day… TEXT THE NEXT DAY… RON …after a degrading event, too late to erase the memory of the degrading event itself. TEXT THE NEXT DAY… RON …but not too late to erase the prior days' attempt to erase the event. TEXT THE NEXT DAY… GOB GOB Hey! Remember me? RON Thus, with no memory of taking the roofie… GOB Do you still sell, uh--? RON …but the memory of the event very much alive... GOB Been a while. Ooh, I should grab a, uh-- Oh. RON The victim of the roofie circle… TEXT ONE MONTH LATER… RON …finds himself constantly trying to re- erase the memory… GOB What’s with the scary guy? Caliente. TEXT THREE DAYS LATER… TEXT THE NEXT DAY… TEXT TWO DAYS EARLIER… RON …but only succeeds in erasing the memory of the attempt to erase the memory. TEXT FIFTEEN DAYS LATER… RON Days turn into weeks… TEXT THREE WEEKS LATER… RON …weeks turn into months. GOB I saw the Christmas decorations. MERCADO CLERK They just came for yesterday… GOB Hey, by the way, I’m out. RON As relationships get testy. GOB TEXT SIX WEEKS LATER… RON And what begins in shame. GOB Hey, remember me? MERCADO CLERK No! No mas! No mas! No mas, no. No, no. GOB I remember seeing you. You remember me? RON …almost always ends in a Mexican hospital with stage four syphilis. GOB Remember me? RON Gob was also wearing out his welcome with Mark and the other hangers on. GOB See? Told you I knew him. TWINK Can I get a picture with him to show my five-year-old? GOB You have a five-year-old? TWINK A granddaughter. GOB Oh, yeah. TWINK Thank you. GOB MARK CHERRY What the hell? GOB Run. Run! Run! RON And perhaps it was this incident… MARK CHERRY F*** Getaway. RON …that inspired… RON …Mark Cherry to actually write a song about Gob. MARK CHERRY Why don't you go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway, Getaway, stay away, you're hopelessly hopeless GOB I know guys just like that. RON But the lyrics were too subtle for Gob to notice. MARK CHERRY Getaway RON And as his life in the Malibu colony was falling apart… MARK CHERRY Stay away SIGNS JOHNNY BARK BEE COLONY KING OF THE BEES RON …he got a call that his bee colony wasn't doing much better from a very much alive Johnny Bark. SIGNS QUARANTINE JOHNNY BARK Look, you’ve gotta get your bees outta here. They’re sick. They’re gonna collapse the whole colony. JOAN Did you tell him about the sick bees? JOHNNY BARK Jesus, I just said that! RON And Gob returned just in time to catch his friends going out for the evening without him. MARK CHERRY Guys, hurry before he sees us. Come on. GOB Hey, guys. Where are we goin’? I- I’ll-- I’ll drive. I just gotta put my sick bees in the trunk. RON And perhaps this was the moment that Gob could sense the tide was turning. JBJ It’s my fault, guys. I made a mistake. RON In an effort to remain popular with the gang, Gob stopped in front of a club to pick up some women. SIGNS AND JEREMY PIVEN WOMEN GOB Who wants to party with Mark Cherry? WOMEN Us. DEBRIE Uh, me, me, me. I do. GOB That’s one forget-me-now saved, huh, fellas? Ah, looks like we got a real live one. And by ‘live’, I mean ‘barely alive’. JBJ When I say "take off your"-- ENTOURAGE Clothes! JBJ Take off your-- ENTOURAGE Clothes! JBJ When I-- We’re having a good time. GOB We are having a great time. WOMEN Yeah! MARK CHERRY Hey, Getaway? GOB Yeah? MARK CHERRY You know what would be really cool? If you shut the partition. It’d be like, uh, like a joke. Like you’re our limo driver. GOB Yes, that would be hilarious, right? Oh, yes. Very good, sir. Very good. Right? It’d be, like, “Hey, I’m just driving the Queen of England.” But we’re still-- We’re taking our clothes off. RON But perhaps if they had not excluded Gob, he could have prevented this from happening. DEBRIE You guys have anything harder, like, in here? What’s in here? You have a good stash in here? TROUT Watch my drink, my drink. What are you doing? ENTOURAGE / WOMEN MARK CHERRY Oh, my God! Oh! GOB A lot of traffic out here today, Miss Daisy. ENTOURAGE / WOMEN MARK CHERRY / GOB I said, go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway Getaway, stay away RON On the plus side, Gob's bees were feeling good enough to sting again. GOB And I see these boats, and I’m like, “Those are police boats.” So everybody ran, and I said, “It’s not…” RON To the entourage, the evening was a complete disaster. GOB Everybody together! RON Drunken, sick and covered with bee stings, they had truly hit bottom. RON For Gob, however, it was an amazing night and he couldn't wait to forget it. GOB Fun night. GOB Fun night. GOB Fun night. RON The next day… RON …Getaway awoke without a care in the world and snuck to the front door trying not to arouse the gang he assumed would be blissfully sleeping it off all day. GOB Wake up! RON But Gob had slept through the seven ambulances that had arrived after Josh… RON …Abramson had swung by to pick up an old computer. JOSH Listen to me! I just friend with them? I’ve come to There’s fourteen of them. They’re all… One of them is Mark Cherry. He’s a singer! SIGNS CALLER: [UNINTELLIGIBLE] LISTEN TO ME! I JUST [UNINTELLIGIBLE] FRIENDS WITH THEM? I’VE COME TO [UNINTELLIGIBLE] THERE’S FOURTEEN OF THEM. THEY’RE ALL… ONE OF THEM IS MARK CHERRY. HE’S A SINGER! [UNINTELLIGIBLE] 911 OPERATOR Calm down. How many ambulances? SIGNS 911 OPERATOR: CALM DOWN. HOW MANY AMBULANCES? JOSH Five! Ten! Maybe. Seven at least! SIGNS CALLER FIVE! TEN! MAYBE. SEVEN AT LEAST! RON Nonetheless, later… RON …that evening, Gob arrived early at the Opies, an… SIGNS THE OPIE AWARDS DOWNSTAIRS BALLROOM RON …awards show that honored youth… RON …in Hollywood, to make sure that Mark Cherry would be well taken care of before his scheduled performance. GOB Where’s the coconut shrimp? Come on, my guys love coconut shrimp. Especially if they can get it with a little bit of… SIGNS T.W. CLOSET STAGE HAND Come on. Move. GOB …gelato. RON It was then that Gob noticed the presence of a competitor from his past. SIGNS SCHNOODLE KEY NOTE EVENT TONY WONDER GOB TW. Tony Wonder. RON Gob realized that where there was glitter, there must also be Tony Wonder. SECURITY GUARD Hey! Hey, hey! RON And that's when Gob decided to take advantage of an unexpected diversion and have a little fun by wedging shut a panel on the podium he knew Tony Wonder would pop out of. SIGNS ATTITUDE TONY WONDER I’M HERE I’M QUEER NOW I’M OVER HERE! GOB You guys wanna see a real failed magician you might wanna get down to the Opies tonight. It’s gonna be hysterical. RON And that's when Gob found out that Mark Cherry had checked into rehab. GOB What? Look, come on, you guys. I mean, it’s just a little alcohol poisoning never killed anyone. RON Actually… SIGNS ALCOHOL RELATED DEATHS 4,000 RON …alcohol poisoning is responsible for over four thousand deaths a year. REBEL Binge drinking. Not cool. GOB Well, that’s a drag. I thought we were friends. SIGNS LOVE RON But of course, they weren't. MORT MEYERS But Schnoodle’s coming out now, too. Just like Tony Wonder! RON And that’s when he saw Tony Wonder come out of a speaker. TONY WONDER I’m here! I’m queer! And now I’m in a speaker! MORT MEYERS No one can stop-- RON It was in that pivotal moment Gob realized he had lost his fiancée, his career, his family and his entourage. GOB I have no one in my life who cares for me. SIMON AND GARFUNKEL Hello, dark-- SIGNS STEVE HOLT! MOBILE MARK CHERRY Getaway, stay away, Getaway GOB Great. And now my boss is on my ass. RON On the next Arrested Development... GOB Get away, Getaway MARK CHERRY Get away, Getaway, you’re hopelessly hopeless RON Gob nurses the loss of his new family, when he gets a call from his old one. GOB This is Gob. LUCILLE It’s your mother. We’re going to Plan B. Go see your father in the desert. He wants you to prepare to be president of the Bluth Company. GOB Yes! Finally! I will not disappoint you, Mom. I am the perfect person to look out for this family. Whoa. MICHAEL Hey, I met a girl today. GOB Get away, Getaway. RON And after collapsing yet another colony, Gob makes a startling discovery. GOB My cave. RON And decides to investigate. GOB Why didn’t you open? RON Only to discover that someone had wedged shut his secret compartment on the day he deserted his Christian bride. GOB “T.” Tony Wonder. Tony Wonder. SINGERS And As It Is Such So Also-- And As It Such So Also Such Is It Unto You.