BALBOA_CLUB_HOSTESS DAVID DERRIN EALING_CLUB_HOSTESS GEORGE GEORGE_MICHAEL GOB GUARD HERBERT_LOVE JOAN LINDSAY LUCILLE LUCILLE_TWO MARAUDER MARKY MICHAEL PRISON_ANNOUNCER REBEL REVELER RON SALLY SHAMAN SIGNS SINGERS TEXT TIFFANY TOBIAS YOUNG_LUCILLE RON Even though it was only a hundred miles from her hometown of Newport Beach, the desert created a whole new value system for Lindsay Bluth. LINDSAY I’d give twenty thousand dollars for a lemonade right now. RON For the most part. It was here that she’d moved with her activist boyfriend. JOAN Marky! Mommy needs mescaline! MARKY It’s in the fake rock! RON And his mother. JOAN And tell your girlfriend, DeBrie, to shovel that ostrich crap. LINDSAY It’s not DeBrie, Ma Bark. It’s Lindsay. You know, I just cut off my hair. JOAN I know who you are. Now start shoveling. God, you’re lazier than Lindsay. LINDSAY Marky, hurry! There’s another dead iguana. MARKY Oh. LINDSAY What does this mean? MARKY It’s probably those bastards next door. RON The… RON …bastards next door were actually a gathered group of CEOs. GEORGE SR. Come on, Daniels! You ran Bear Stearns, for God’s sake! RON Who were attending a midsummer sweat and squeeze. MARKY They want us off their land. MARKY Probably so they can build a border wall. They just wanna separate the whites from the browns. LINDSAY You really are color blind. MARKY Face blind. Fortunately, I can see color. That’s how I can tell the browns are the Mexicans. Anyway, I thought I scared those bastards off. MARKY By scaring their leader. The strong will become the weak. The weak will become the strong. But I think I overdid it first on the maca, ‘cause I ended up seeing two of him. MARKY But to kill an innocent iguana. This beautiful creature of the desert. Oh! Lizard bastard! It bit me! LINDSAY Oh! God! Who keeps numbing these desert animals? MARKY Run, run, run! We’ll kill it later. LINDSAY Okay. MARKY Mom, lizard bite. Mom, Mom, Mom, look. JOAN Put some rubbing mescaline on it. RON Lindsay hated her new life… MARKY You don’t care. You don’t care about anything. RON …but even more, she hated herself for hating her new life. LINDSAY Marky, I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m surrounded by squalor and death, and I still can’t be happy. MARKY Yeah, well, it’s only gonna get worse. LINDSAY MARKY ‘Cause they’re chasing us off the land. I mean, where are we gonna go? JOAN Hey, new girl. I just heard about your mother’s trial. She was sent away. RON Lindsay had missed her own mother’s trial, and for that, she’d never be able to forgive hers-- LINDSAY Hey, I know of a place that just opened up. RON Herself. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one daughter who had no choice but to keep her life together. It's Lindsay’s Arrested Development. RON Lindsay wanted to move to her mother’s empty penthouse, but Marky wouldn’t think of leaving the old bird behind. MARKY That’s great. You dropped your shovel there. Mom. RON So it was a party of three that had to sneak into the Balboa Towers. Although Marky was having trouble accepting what appeared to be a lavish lifestyle. MARKY Come on, Cindy. LINDSAY What do you think? MARKY It smells weird in here. What is that? LINDSAY I think it’s just not urine. And we’re not moving in, we’re occupying a space with central air. MARKY Cindy? Are you okay? Oh, look, Lindsay. Cindy already marked the master. Okay. This’ll be where she goes. LINDSAY So we’re staying. And we’ll change the world and hold our heads high. And it might be nice to live like normal people for a change. MARKY Let’s put some newspaper on these windows. LINDSAY TEXT ONE YEAR LATER… RON One year later, however, the only thing they’d actually changed was getting the not-urine smell out of the penthouse. LINDSAY You’re looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay. MARKY Oh. Hey, Linds. How was beg? LINDSAY Beg was good. I found some, uh, tres leches cake. MARKY That’s great. LINDSAY Hey, did you clean up? MARKY No, no. no. I just cleared out a space to work on the love bomb. LINDSAY Oh, okay. I’ll, uh, change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie. I don’t think I’ve washed it. MARKY No, I meant what we’re gonna do to this guy. LINDSAY Oh. RON Herbert Love was a very conservative candidate for a very conservative seat… RON … in the very conservative House of Representatives. HERBERT LOVE Am I guilty of anything? Yes. Of having a great sense of humor. But the two women who accused me of this crime do not have a great sense of humor. Look, in fact, I’ll tell you the joke and let you be the judge. See, I invited her to sit on my lap… RON Although he was prone to the more than occasional harassment scandal. HERBERT LOVE I forgot the joke. MARKY Oh, he’s… MARKY …about to be harassed all right. I’m gonna spray the bastards with ink and glitter. It’ll be in their ears for weeks. Thing is, I can’t find the glitter anywhere. Did you take the silver glitter? LINDSAY No. I mean, I’d say check the junk drawer, but I can’t differentiate anymore. MARKY Where is it? LINDSAY Oh, God. What is this? MARKY Oh, okay. Good. Perfect timing. Because this is where you come in. A lot of this has to do with ink compression, oxygen capacity, expulsion pressures, but the point is three days before the event, I’m gonna take the explosive and hide in the podium. On the night of the event, at exactly seven thirty, I’m gonna pull the pin to the tank, then you’re gonna knock on the podium door to let me know that the coast is clear. When Love steps up to the podium at exactly eight o’clock, blam! The podium doors burst open and he and everyone will be… LINDSAY Blue in the face. Yep. MARKY That’s better than what I had, actually. I was gonna say ‘covered in ink and glitter’. LINDSAY Or we can support Lucille Two, who he’s running against. She’s right across the hall. MARKY No, no. She’s part of the problem. Wait, you haven’t been going over there, by the way? No one can know we’re here. LINDSAY Of course not. Does it look like I’m lying? RON It did. But not to a man with face blindness. MARKY Yeah, no, I guess not. RON Because Lindsay could only spend… TEXT EIGHT MINUTES EARLIER… RON …so many hours with a shrill feathered creature. LUCILLE TWO You look marvelous in that. Look. LINDSAY God, I can’t believe how much I’ve missed the feel of anything that isn’t hemp. LUCILLE TWO And try this on. Isn’t that funny? I used to wear that with the Captain, and I was-- LINDSAY Tennille? LUCILLE TWO And not make eye contact. Yes! Oh, what am I gonna do? Cut it down for my foster child? RON That is what she wanted to do. RON Until he threatened to call social services. LINDSAY Oh, look what… LINDSAY …I made you. SIGNS I’M FOR LUCILLE2 4CONGRES LUCILLE TWO Oh, I love it. It’s glittery, like me. RON Lindsay was no stranger to making campaign posters. TEXT 1982 SIGNS VOTE LINDSAY BLUTH FOR CLASS PRESIDENT RICH PRETTY THIN RON Having made several in her seventh grade class president campaign against Sally Sitwell. Sally ultimately proved successful with a more fact-based campaign. SIGNS SALLY SITWELL FOR PRESIDENT I WON’T LEAVE FOR TWO MONTHS AND COME BACK WITH A NEW NOSE LIKE LINDSAY DID. SIGNS YOU’RE KILLING ME, BUSTER LUCILLE TWO A couple of tiny notes, hun. There are two S’s in Congress. And I just call myself Lucille-- LINDSAY Lucille One. I’m so sorry. LUCILLE TWO No, just Lucille. But I love it. Oh, I wish you’d officially work for my campaign. We could make such a difference. LINDSAY Well, Marky says that’s not the way we should make change. Oh, speaking of, do you mind if I go through your couch cushions? LUCILLE TWO Oh, honey, I wish you’d take the rest of this tres leches cake. It’s from a dear Hispanic supporter, and I’ll never get it into the bay in one piece. LINDSAY Honestly, Lucille Two, you’ve been like a mother to me. LUCILLE TWO Ah. LINDSAY Except kind and-- LUCILLE TWO Mm-hm. LINDSAY --loving and willing to let me eat. That just blows me away. RON Lindsay knew she had to keep her secret life of luxury hidden… LINDSAY You’re looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay. TEXT MOMENTS LATER… RON … from a boyfriend that was preparing to squat in a podium for three days with a paint bomb. MARKY Yeah. LINDSAY But, Marky, I mean, won’t you go crazy in there? MARKY Oh, no, that’s nothing. I once did a week and a half in an oil drum just to throw a pie at Arnold Schwarzenegger. LINDSAY I never heard about that. MARKY Oh, yeah, well, the press tried to spin it as ‘hippy tries to play pie tin Frisbee with the governor’, but this time I’m eating beforehand. LINDSAY Yeah, I- I see that. Hey, can I get you a fork? ‘Cause that’s my brother whose face you’re licking. MARKY That’s a face? Everything I do is wrong. I knew you wouldn’t be on board with this, Lindsay. I’m sorry to say this, but you are losing your passion. LINDSAY What passion? You don’t even look at me. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, it’s not important or anything, but I am really, really pretty. MARKY I’m the straightest guy you know! LINDSAY Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me? MARKY What? Quiet! Cindy’s in heat. You know how much she hates it when we argue. LINDSAY Oh, God. MARKY Now, listen to me. This protest of mine could really make a difference. LINDSAY Yeah, but it’s gonna land you in jail. MARKY Oh, there it is. No, yeah, so that’s-- Oh, yeah. LINDSAY So I don’t want jail-- Oh, God. MARKY You know what? You are just as selfish and money-hungry as you ever were. Yes, you are. LINDSAY That’s not true. LINDSAY Ooh, a Nieman’s catalogue. RON But it was what she found stuck inside the catalog that got her attention. And that's when she found the mother lode. SIGNS PAY FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS AND 00 CENTS SIGNS TO THE ORDER OF MAEBY FÜNKE SIGNS FROM: GANGIE 4: FACELIFT LINDSAY “From Gangie for facelift.” What a load of-- Mother. RON And this time she did make a court appearance. LUCILLE Cheryl, you’ve got no backhand! I’m working the whole court and you keep hitting the balls d*** high. PRISON ANNOUNCER Good afternoon, inmates. Sacred yoga begins at four pm. LUCILLE Oh, great. Looks like we’ve got another high-end hooker in here. LINDSAY Oh, thank you, Mother. LUCILLE So let’s cut to the chase. LINDSAY I wanna talk to you about a check for plastic surgery. LUCILLE I already wrote you a check for that. RON Lucille had… TEXT 1982 RON …back when Lindsay thought she was only twelve years old. SIGNS PAY TO: LINDSAY BLUTH YOUNG LUCILLE For nose. RON Worrying it would hurt her daughter’s feelings, she put a fun spin on it. YOUNG LUCILLE Put a Y in there. “Nosey” SIGNS FOR NOSEY LUCILLE And you should be thanking me for that. LUCILLE You looked like a can opener. LINDSAY No, a check for my daughter. She’s gorgeous. And I love her just the way she is. LUCILLE When was the last time you saw her? LINDSAY She’s been living with her father the past year. It’s been really hard. LUCILLE I’ll be out on parole by the time you work up a tear. What makes you think I wrote a check to your daughter? Nosey? LINDSAY It came to the penthouse. LUCILLE Well, well. Little Miss Lives Off The Land is living in my penthouse. LINDSAY Okay, so you figured it out, Gene Parmesan. LUCILLE Just goes to show the apple does not far from the tree fall. LINDSAY I am like you nothing. You’re not even my real mother. I am a political activist. LUCILLE Oh, you’re a lot more like me than you know, sister. Except I can back up my bad choices. I’m doing hard time. DERRIN Your three pm hot rock massage is opening. PRISON ANNOUNCER Hello, inmates. Arts and crafts therapy at the courtside café. LUCILLE Thanks for coming. RON But Lindsay wanted to prove that she wasn't like her so called mother. And that's why she did this. LINDSAY I’m in. Let’s bomb the bastard. It’s Lindsay. MARKY Aw! Yes! Yeah! RON Lindsay and her boyfriend Marky arrived in, get this, Beverly Hills to prepare for their act of glittery social protest. But Lindsay was having second thoughts. LINDSAY Hey, Marky, look, um, I have this check that my mother wrote for my daughter. It can buy us a lot of leaflets against Love. And also a lot of Nature’s Miracle. You know, there’s a huge sale going on right now at Petco. MARKY No, never! Rip it up! No money! And don’t worry. I’ve thought of everything. RON He had. MARKY Except for someone to watch Cindy. But she’s locked in, what’s the worst that could happen? LUCILLE TWO LINDSAY Good luck. MARKY Ah, what a great day to step out onto an over-irrigated golf course and play a game that wastes vast acres of usable and farmable land. RON And after a few nights in the trailer… SIGNS THE CENTURY PLAZA RON …Lindsay showed up in… RON …Lucille 2's Tenille wig to be ready to release Marky from the podium at the appointed time and then stroll out together in disguise. SIGNS TANKS? GLITTER X RON I think that's what this refers to back when the disguise was going to be a two part horse costume. RON But soon she ran into a father she hadn't seen in over a year. LINDSAY Supporting this right wing dangerous crackpot. GEORGE SR. Lindsay, I forgot you dyed your hair. Do you have any money? RON And that’s how Lindsay parted with the check for Maeby that Marky had told her to rip up. RON And it was then she ran into a daughter… LINDSAY Maeby. RON …whose fifty thousand dollar check she'd just given away. MAEBY Mom. RON …stealing some coconut shrimp. MAEBY Of course you’re here. I should’ve known you’d be supporting this right wing dangerous crackpot. LINDSAY No, no, no. I am here undercover with my boyfriend. We are gonna take down Love with a random act of senseless non-violence. RON Maeby felt a foreign feeling. MAEBY Wow. I actually respect that. LINDSAY Thank you, Maeby. RON Which is why, for the first time in her adult life… LINDSAY So, what are you doing here? RON …Maeby was totally honest with her mother. MAEBY I’m getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business. LINDSAY I tried. Tell your therapist I tried. RON But realizing she was still too early to let Marky out of the podium, Lindsay headed to the bar. And that's when she met the man she was there to sabotage. HERBERT LOVE Is it just me, or are we the only two people who don’t fit in with all these Orange County phonies? RON And had no idea who he was. LINDSAY They are a bunch of phonies. I usually don’t even go to these things. RON And perhaps it was because he reminded her so much of Tobias when they first started dating, that Lindsay flirted back. HERBERT LOVE What’s your name, princess? LINDSAY Cindy Featherbottom. HERBERT LOVE Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms? LINDSAY Are you trying to find out where I live? HERBERT LOVE And your favorite kind of jewelry. RON Lindsay hadn't heard the word jewelry in a long time, but tried to stay strong. LINDSAY How do I know you’re not one of these phonies? HERBERT LOVE The only phoney I’m interested in is your phoney-number. LINDSAY RON And like Cinderella at the ball, Lindsay really felt like a princess for a change. LINDSAY Okay. It’s, uh, 714… RON But, also like Cinderella, she lost track of time. HERBERT LOVE Mm-hm? LINDSAY RON And had forgotten to release Marky from the podium. And that's when she was struck with an eerie sense of deja vu. SECURITY GUARD Right this way, sir. Right this way. MARKY Lindsay? LINDSAY Oh, God. He blue himself. SIGNS THE CENTURY PLAZA RON Lindsay's attempt to create a disaster for Herbert Love was a complete disaster, and as she tried to slip away without drawing attention to herself she was once again approached by the congressional candidate whose name she never got. HERBERT LOVE Cindy Featherbottom. Here’s my private number. Gimme a call. Perhaps we can engage in some sexual congress. RON But that's a total giveaway, right? LINDSAY What a wonderful sense of humor. I’d like that very much. DAVID Sir, the press awaits. HERBERT LOVE Now, I don’t know what-- MAEBY I thought you were supposed to be sticking it to the man, not the other way around. LINDSAY Maeby! You think he likes me that way? MAEBY No, mom, that’s Herbert Love. The man you’re here to protest? HERBERT LOVE --and I hear the guy with the bomb snuck up here from Mexico. That’s why I say we have got to build a wall between us and Mexico. The Chinese have got a great wall-- LINDSAY Oh no. MAEBY How could you not recognize him? RON In fairness to Lindsay, it was Marky's… SIGNS LOVE RON …face-blindness that led him to mistake this photo for the candidate. Why Lindsay failed to recognize musical icon Nat King Cole cannot be explained. LINDSAY But he’s so modern-looking. I mean, obviously, I didn’t know it was the man whose politics I’m here to protest. I guess I was just having fun pretending I had my old life back. Well, we’ll just be friends, and I’m gonna keep it light and fun with him and not talk politics at all. MAEBY I can’t believe you’re such a sell-out. Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that? LINDSAY I am not a whore. MAEBY Yeah. You’re a whore. LINDSAY I am not a whore. Look, I am still committed to my ideals, and to my Marky. MARKY Lindsay! Lindsay! Lindsay! MAEBY Well, you certainly have a type. MARKY Lindsay? Have you seen a woman named Lindsay? If you see a woman named Lindsay, tell her to bail me out. LINDSAY I’ll do my best, sir. MARKY Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! LINDSAY Taxi! MARKY Tell Lindsay to feed Cindy. She thinks she’s people. LINDSAY Taxi! RON Lindsay was as blue as one of her men, when she returned to the penthouse. SIGNS EVICTION NOTICE SIGNS WARNING: OVULATING ANIMAL INSIDE OSTRICH DEPARTMENT RON And that's when she decided to get half in the bag. RON But even though she felt bad… MICHAEL Hello. RON …she was at least able to turn a man's head. MICHAEL Gentlemen, start your engines. RON Although perhaps had his head not turned… MICHAEL Love, Gob. RON …he would have seen the ostrich warning on the door. RON After another night… RON …in the trailer, Lindsay went to the model home… RON …to give a daughter who called her a whore a piece of her mind. LINDSAY Hi, sweetie. MAEBY Hey. Hi. RON Of course she needed a place to stay, so she couldn't just jump right into that. LINDSAY I thought I’d surprise you with a visit. MAEBY Yeah, well, the bags are certainly a surprise. Not thinking of moving in, are you? LINDSAY What? No. MAEBY Yeah, because I don’t think Dad would be cool with it. LINDSAY No. Of course not. Is he in? MAEBY No. LINDSAY Ah. Oh. What happened there? MAEBY Kids. Or people who like kids. So where’s Marky? LINDSAY God. Marky will be in jail for quite a while. RON She… RON …actually had just come from visiting him. MARKY So it, uh, turns out the glitter was shrapnel-grade. LINDSAY Oh. MARKY They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism. This is where you letting me out of the podium would’ve really helped. LINDSAY Why didn’t you just come out? MARKY I couldn’t do it. Someone locked me in. RON In fact it was Gob, thinking he was trapping the magician Tony Wonder into one of his illusions. GOB Hey, Mark. You guys wanna see a real failed magician? You might wanna get down to the Opies tonight. It’s gonna be hysterical. MARKY I need you to bail me out, Lindsay. MARKY I need you to use that check. That- that check-- LINDSAY Oh, uh. I don’t have that check anymore. MARKY What? LINDSAY You told me to rip it up. I thought you said you didn’t believe in money. MARKY I didn’t until I realized what it could keep me from. Jail’s a lot like Swappigans, except there’s only one thing to swap. It’s scary. GUARD Anus Tart! TOBIAS Yep. That’s me. MARKY Oh, God. That could’ve been me. Lindsay, listen to me. I’m scared. I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I’m really scared. GUARD No touching! LINDSAY Actually, it’s kind of nice… LINDSAY …to have a little me time. MAEBY Oh, of course. That’s why you were giving Herbert Love a little you time last night. You were flirting with him to get Marky out of jail. LINDSAY Well, yeah, that is what I should’ve been do-- What I did. Yeah. Yeah. MAEBY Mm-hm. LINDSAY That’s exactly what I should have and did do. MAEBY And it’s not that bad an idea, actually. You can get him to do anything, ‘cause he’s probably one of those shallow guys who’s only interested in looks. LINDSAY I miss that. Missed that. Yeah, you know, maybe it would be a good idea if I got in touch with him. I mean, he did give me his card. Although I could never call him. MAEBY I could call him for you. And I’ll tell him it has to be tonight. LINDSAY Well, the sooner the better. MAEBY Gotta get Marky out of jail. LINDSAY That’s why the sooner the better. RON So Maeby arranged for a meeting that… SIGNS EALING CLUB RON …evening at Hollywood's exclusive Ealing Club… RON …between Herbert Love and Cindy Featherbottom. HERBERT LOVE I like this place. No cameras, no phones. Everyone’s cool. LINDSAY Well, thank you for being willing to meet. HERBERT LOVE Meet, greet, sure are sweet. What a treat. What did the lamb say? LINDSAY Baa? HERBERT LOVE Bleat. LINDSAY Ah. Yes, of course. I was just wondering, is anything really bad gonna happen to that blue guy from the rally? Do you wanna press charges? HERBERT LOVE Who can think of little boy blue when I’ve got this beautiful face in front of me? LINDSAY Oh. Thanks. Haven’t heard that in a long time. HERBERT LOVE Your cheekbones are even higher than my approval rating. LINDSAY Your brain can register my cheekbones? HERBERT LOVE I’d register ‘em to vote. LINDSAY HERBERT LOVE Your lips are like a Murphy bed. They don’t take up much space, but they are there when you need ‘em. LINDSAY Okay. You are a poet. You’re wonderful. But, um, yeah, I- I do wanna talk to you about a couple of issues. HERBERT LOVE Can we just have one night where we don’t talk about politics? LINDSAY Yes. Yes. Just one night. We deserve it. Uh-- HERBERT LOVE Let’s get a room. LINDSAY Yes! No. What? Uh, I- Okay. We can talk in a room, I guess. RON And… RON …later, down in the lobby, as Herbert went off to do some business. HERBERT LOVE Uh, you hang tight. I’m going to meet with some of my, uh, constitutues. RON Lindsay ran into her brother Michael. HERBERT LOVE Hello. LINDSAY Michael? MICHAEL Hi. LINDSAY How are you? MICHAEL I’m good. Good. I almost didn’t recognize you. LINDSAY It’s my hair. MICHAEL That’s some of it, but it’s also you’re with a guy that pretty much represents everything you pretend to hate. Was that Herbert Love? LINDSAY Right. Now I remember why we fell out of touch. MICHAEL No, no, there. Kidding, kidding, kidding, kidding. I’m so sorry. I’m sure that you’re having a great influence on him. You know? LINDSAY Thanks. MICHAEL But if you really wanna blow him? Away? You know the wall issue that everyone is talking about? The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? LINDSAY Tell him to take it down? MICHAEL Well just not to put it up. No wall yet. LINDSAY Oh, no. There’s- No, I knew that. Yeah. MICHAEL If you could get him against the wall. Lindsay… LINDSAY Well, I had no idea you were this socially conscious. RON He wasn't. RON In fact, he was just using her Love connection to make good on a deal he'd struck to get his father's movie rights. GEORGE SR. Could you help me, then? With Love? MICHAEL Of course I will. If you’d do something for me. GEORGE SR. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. MICHAEL I would like to use your membership at the Balboa Club. The girl I’ve been telling you about, she likes nice things, and if everything goes well tonight, I think I may wanna take her out for a nice dinner. GEORGE SR. You really like this girl. MICHAEL She’s Tracey. GEORGE SR. Aw. Fat Tracey or Thin Tracey at the end? MICHAEL I think just on this you owe me the membership. GEORGE SR. You know, we’re kinda maxed out at the club, but if you show them my card, I’m sure they won’t turn you away at the door. MICHAEL You’d do this for me? GEORGE SR. I will if you-- LINDSAY Yeah, sure. Fine. MICHAEL Yeah? LINDSAY Yeah. I’ll talk to him about the wall. MICHAEL Good. LINDSAY I mean, I wanna change politics. MICHAEL Great! LINDSAY What’s in it for me? MICHAEL So not completely change them. What do you want? LINDSAY Well, actually, I want you to talk to that warden guy about getting my boyfriend out, ‘cause I really don’t think Herbert’s gonna help with that. MICHAEL I have a script notes call with him on Tuesday. Yeah, I’ll talk to Warden Gentles. LINDSAY Great! Thank you! MICHAEL This is good. Of course. LINDSAY I’m glad we ran into each other. MICHAEL If you do something for me. I’m making this movie, and I need everybody’s rights. If you could talk to-- LINDSAY I’ll do it. I’ll do it. RON And that’s when Lindsay agreed to give Michael her rights-- MICHAEL Great! RON --for his movie. LINDSAY Thanks. MICHAEL That’s it. RON But it shouldn't have been, because he should have asked for help to get into a club he was about to discover was members only. MICHAEL Hi. EALING CLUB HOSTESS I need to see your membership card. MICHAEL This is a membership place, huh? EALING CLUB HOSTESS It is, yes. Members only. MICHAEL Yeah. I’m meeting my son up there. Maybe he’s already up there. Could you maybe page him up there? EALING CLUB HOSTESS I’m not getting any response. RON And when the page proved fruitless… MICHAEL You’re gonna make me look like a big shot in front of my son. Thank you. RON …Michael decided to head George Michael off before he could get to the club's lobby with a small lie. MICHAEL Hey, buddy. It’s Dad. Um, I am having real trouble getting up there. Uh, this traffic is unbelievable. RON Which led to a slightly bigger lie. MICHAEL We got a light aircraft right in the middle of the freeway. You know--? RON And then some effort to make it foolproof. MICHAEL Um, and, uh, the kicker is that there’s no news crew. I mean, I guess they can’t get in either, ‘cause of the traffic. So no one’s gonna be able to see this. Um-- RON But perhaps had Michael not have lied, he wouldn't have felt suspicious when, moments later… TEXT MOMENTS LATER… RON …he received a return call from his son. GEORGE MICHAEL You know what? I bet we’re sitting in the exact same traffic. This is a mess. But you know? We can just do this another time. RON …cancelling the get-together entirely. GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, God. They’re forcing us off. Now they’re closing the lanes. RON Meanwhile, in… RON …Herbert's hotel room, Lindsay was worried she was too quickly abandoning her principals. LINDSAY Wait. I can’t do this unless you promise to be against the wall. HERBERT LOVE What the hell? Better for my back anyway. LINDSAY Thank you! Thank you. TEXT MUCH LATER… LINDSAY That was so not quick. HERBERT LOVE I paid for six hours. I wanna get my money’s worth. LINDSAY Imagine what would’ve happened if you had the room for the whole night. HERBERT LOVE Oh, I got it for the whole month. LINDSAY You crack me up. Can you believe this is happening? I mean, we’re such opposites and yet we’re so in sync. It’s like we finish each other’s-- HERBERT LOVE Sandwiches! What’s the point of raising funds and I’m eatin’ sandwiches? LINDSAY Hmm. HERBERT LOVE I got something for ya. LINDSAY Oh. Really? SIGNS TIFFANY RON And perhaps it was the heart that made her wonder if Herbert… RON …was the love the Four Seasons shaman spoke of. SHAMAN When love is near your heart will be happy. HERBERT LOVE This way… HERBERT LOVE …you always have a little love near your heart. SINGERS ? Coincidence. ? LINDSAY LINDSAY Ah! Jesus Christ! HERBERT LOVE Oh! I’m sorry. LINDSAY Why would you do that? HERBERT LOVE No, I thought it was cute. I saw it in a movie, okay? LINDSAY Okay. Okay, great. Thank you. Ah, I feel so special. HERBERT LOVE You are special. RON Lindsay wasn't special. SIGNS GARDEN GROVE METHADONE CLINIC SIGNS BROTHER BROTHERS COMPRANOS ORO! RON But he'd gotten the necklaces on special. LINDSAY So when can I… LINDSAY …see you again? HERBERT LOVE The only way we can see each other is if you work for my campaign. You are gonna be my key advisor. RON She would be enacting social change after all. LINDSAY I would like that very much. HERBERT LOVE HERBERT LOVE She’s gonna need a key to my room, and I’d advise you to use it when I call you. RON Since Herbert couldn't officially spend money on Lindsay… RON …and Lindsay hadn't told Herbert who she really was-- LINDSAY Oh, why don’t you go make the rounds and, uh, I’ll get us checked in? HERBERT LOVE Okay. RON Lindsay had to pay for dinner the way she always had. LINDSAY Bluth. I made a reservation. RON By secretly putting it on her family tab. HERBERT LOVE Hey, hey. Nice to meet you. BALBOA CLUB HOSTESS Oh, I’m sorry. The Bluths have been seated. RON But she wasn't the only Bluth pretending to be something they weren't that night. LINDSAY Who’s the cheap red head? Well, hello. MICHAEL Hello, indeed. Look at you. What are you doing here? LINDSAY I need the membership. I’m taking my boss out to dinner. MICHAEL It’s too late. I already made a deal with Dad for it. This is why I had to ask you for the in with Herbert Love. LINDSAY Exactly. And that’s why you are leaving and I’m gonna stay, because I’m the one who did the favor. I’ve got Love against the wall. Plus, I’ve got to impress him. He’s making me part of his campaign. I’m sorry. There seems to have been a mix-up. MICHAEL A merry one! LINDSAY Ah! MICHAEL A merry one! I already paid you back for the favor when I talked to the warden about getting Marky out of prison. LINDSAY Oh, God. Not now. When? MICHAEL I don’t know, but listen, I haven’t been on a date in a very, very long time, and she’s already going out with Ron Howard, so I need to impress her. RON Actually, it was Ron’s daughter. But Michael still didn't know that. MICHAEL Great to see you, and you look so good. LINDSAY And so do you. I do hate the campaign, okay? But I’m changing him. I’m his key advisor. RON Although without an office, she was forced to advise him in the back of his limo, and soon she was advising him all over town. HERBERT LOVE Mm-hm. Mm-hm. LINDSAY And he respects me for it. He… LINDSAY …respects me for who I am. MICHAEL So does mine. Listen, we’ll share it. Okay? Got it? Great. LINDSAY Oh, and my name is Cindy Featherbottom. MICHAEL Oh, and I- I- I used to be a real estate tycoon, now I’m an impressive producer. Got it? LINDSAY Got it. MICHAEL Eat light. This is my date. This is Rebel Alley. LINDSAY Oh, and my boss, Herbert Love. HERBERT LOVE Hi-lo. REBEL “Hi-lo,” just like your plan to hurt the poor. LINDSAY I thought that was about neglecting the poor. HERBERT LOVE I guess the special tonight is red snapper. REBEL How do you know this woman? LINDSAY Huh. MICHAEL Uh, she is, um-- LINDSAY MICHAEL I just-- I mean-- LINDSAY Look at you. MICHAEL High school. LINDSAY Brother and sister. MICHAEL We can’t be brother, sister. She knows about the family. We don’t. LINDSAY Just met. MICHAEL Yeah. So, well, let’s eat. Good. RON And that's how Lindsay found herself on a very awkward double date with her brother. LINDSAY Is everybody’s food as delicious as my side salad? RON And a couple of glasses of white wine in, Rebel started to espouse her liberal agenda. MICHAEL Are you not enjoying your lobster? REBEL It’s just a little hard to sit two feet away from someone who doesn’t believe in paying for a woman’s contraception. LINDSAY Well, to be fair, you know, he does pay for the room. HERBERT LOVE Is there anything better than the great American scallop? REBEL Look how he changes the subject. Aren’t you glad your teenager’s not here to see this? LINDSAY You have a teenager? MICHAEL I’m a movie produce-- Movie producer. Producing a movie right now. Rebel’s in it, for Imagine Entertainment. HERBERT LOVE Oh. Is that Ron Howard’s company? REBEL Yes. MICHAEL Uh, yeah. REBEL Mm-hm. HERBERT LOVE I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but I hate that guy. He’s just another Hollywood liberal big shot. MICHAEL Mm-hm. There are a lot of those Ron Howards out there that do abuse their power, but I will tell you, sir, that I do not do that. LINDSAY Don’t you have to have power to abuse the power? REBEL Um, I am not gonna sit here and defend Ron Howard to someone who’s never achieved half of what he’s achieved. MICHAEL Are you saying that to him or to me? HERBERT LOVE I forgot how touchy these Hollywood people could be. LINDSAY MICHAEL Oh, I’m not. I’m not. You saying that I am? Maybe Ron Howard is, but I- I mean, I don’t know, but I’m not. And I am also not one of those Beverly Hills billionaires who can’t go two minutes without putting his phone to his-- I gotta take this one. Hold on one second. Hello? MICHAEL Hey, George Michael. Are you-? You stuck in traffic, pal? GEORGE MICHAEL No. You know, I just feel terrible that we couldn’t get together the other night, and, uh, I miss you. You know? But I’m free all night if you wanted to-- MICHAEL W- Listen, I- I- I- I- I’m in the middle of a- of a film meeting-- RON But Michael was still stinging… GEORGE MICHAEL Yeah? RON …over his son not making it to the Ealing club. MICHAEL I can’t get away this time, you know? Maybe, uh, we’ll- We’ll do it another time. I do need to talk to you. RON Even though Michael had lied to him about it first. MICHAEL You know, just I’m a super-busy guy. So… REBEL I can’t believe that a woman would support this guy. He’s a misogynist-- RON And Lindsay found herself torn-- REBEL --and I assume by being with him, you just parrot his values. RON --between who she was with-- LINDSAY Now, I don’t appreciate you saying that, okay? I have my own values, Rebel, and believe it or not, they’re closer to yours than you think. RON --and who she wanted to be. LINDSAY ‘Cause I do appreciate you saying that. REBEL But what do I know? I’m just some shallow Hollywood- Oh, God. Gotta get this. Could be my agent. Hello. HERBERT LOVE Now that is one red head I do not wanna have sexual relations with. LINDSAY Well-- HERBERT LOVE So are we havin’ dessert? LINDSAY No. MICHAEL No. Uh-uh. HERBERT LOVE Well, I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but if we are not gonna have dessert, then I think I am going to leave. LINDSAY Oh, no. But- But weren’t we gonna discuss those new positions tonight? Wasn’t that the plan? HERBERT LOVE I think the best position for me to be in tonight is with my wife and tomorrow I’m taking my wife and children to see the beautiful American ocean. RON Lindsay was trying to figure out who she was, when she ran into a man who couldn't tell either. LINDSAY Marky? MARKY Lindsay? Oh, Lindsay! Oh! LINDSAY Marky. MARKY I did it. I beat the system. LINDSAY Ah. MARKY I got out my way. LINDSAY I thought my brother asked Warden Gentles to get you out. MARKY No, I mean from the dumpster. You wouldn’t believe the scallops they’re throwing away here. But I got out of that dumpster my way. I’ve really missed you. LINDSAY Yeah, I missed you, too. I feel like I really lost my way for a while. MARKY Me, too. It’s almost like maybe we shouldn’t skip town after this next one. LINDSAY Next one? A- Another paint bomb? MARKY No, a real one. On Cinco de Cuatro, Love’s boat is going to-- LINDSAY Sinko. MARKY --go into the wat- Yes, sinko. See, the coast guard’s gonna be busy that night. So after it’s done, we slip away and make our way down to Mexico and reunite with Mom. Just have to find a boat that won’t get chorizo caught in the propeller. RON Lindsay was torn. Her head was with Marky, but it was Love who was close to her heart. RON So the next night at Cinco, she felt she had no choice but to betray one to protect the other. LINDSAY Herbert! Hi. Uh, listen, I’m here undercover ‘cause I have some inside information that you really need to know about. RON But as it turned out, Herbert had some undercover information for her, too. HERBERT LOVE I got some undercover information for you, too. I cannot be under the covers with you anymore. It’s over between us. My wife found out, and I told her that there was nothing emotional, but that you were just a prostitute. LINDSAY I’m not a prostitute. HERBERT LOVE Oh, I know, I know. The point is, we are through. Here’s a little severance package for servicing my package. RON Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face, but she didn't have the muscle memory for it. DAVID She’s keeping it. HERBERT LOVE Oh, good. Uh, and don’t forget to vote. LINDSAY This isn’t over. I’m not some taco you can throw into the bay. RON Lindsay wanted to get back at Love. LINDSAY I can’t do this. RON But not by blowing him up and heading to Mexico to be with Marky's awful mother. And that’s when she ran into her own awful mother. LINDSAY Mom. What are you doing here? LUCILLE Lindsay, I thought you were a hooker. Again. LINDSAY It’s a wig. No one recognizes me now. LUCILLE Oh, I recognized you. Let me rephrase that more kindly. I hear you’re hooking now. With Herbert Love. LINDSAY It’s called ‘hooking up’. And yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now. I’m back to being severely liberal. LUCILLE Well, like I said the one time you were nice enough to visit me, you are who you are: a blonde, WASP-y Orange County princess who doesn’t care about anything but herself, and that’s okay. LINDSAY Ah. Sarcasm. LUCILLE No. I’m a Bluth and so are you. LINDSAY You really know how to twist the knife. But you are right about one thing. RON Lindsay was done pretending to be red. LINDSAY I don’t need this anymore. RON And she decided the best way to get back at her mother and Herbert Love was by working for their mutual rival. LUCILLE TWO Here’s a bag of Spanish rice for you to throw in the bay. LINDSAY Lucille Two. I’ve got great news. LUCILLE TWO Oh! LINDSAY I’m finally available to become your campaign manager. LUCILLE TWO Oh, that’s lovely, dear. But I found someone more qualified than you. SALLY Hello, Lindsay. LINDSAY Sally. RON It was Sally Sitwell, a woman who'd long been Lindsay's rival. SALLY It’s been a while. LINDSAY Mm. Why was she more qualified than me? LUCILLE TWO She has integrity. And look at this hair. Look at this beautiful long hair. LINDSAY I made you a banner. Look, I can really help this campaign. LUCILLE TWO You already have. More than you know. Now, give her a little show and tell. SALLY Mm-hm. LINDSAY Show and tell? SALLY Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he’s cheating on his wife with. LINDSAY Who took these? SALLY The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertson’s parking lot and the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club. LINDSAY God, that was a photo booth? SALLY Mm-hm. LINDSAY No one can know about this. SALLY I’m afraid they’re going to. Lucille has copies. She wants to go viral with this. Herbert Love with his hooker? She’ll win for sure. LINDSAY I can’t let her do that. SALLY I don’t think you can stop her. Anyway, it was so great running into you again. RON Lindsay was horrified that the world would view her as Love's prostitute. DAVID Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? RON And Lindsay ran into someone else who was looking for Love. LINDSAY I’m Cindy Featherbottom. DAVID I’ve been looking for you! Love’s gone missing, and I’ve gotta find someone to jump onto that stage and to show everyone here that we are the party that has complete con- con- complete con- con- con- con- complete con- LINDSAY --Trol? DAVID Giant. --Trol. RON And that's when Lindsay found an opportunity. LINDSAY I’ll do it. RON --to put a spin on the looming photo scandal. DAVID Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you. An- And I’m so sorry about that giant crack earlier. Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker! SIGNS LOVE RON So like many before her, Lindsay would accuse Herbert Love… LINDSAY Can I have everyone’s attention? RON …of sexual harassment. LINDSAY I am Herbert Love’s key advisor. Uh, thank you. Uh… RON But first she had to turn his supporters against him. LINDSAY Listen, I have a few things I’d like to tell you about Herbert Love. Love wants to put up a wall. No, no. I mean not- not just any wall, a wall to keep out the Mexicans. Oh. Wow. What a great crowd. RON And that's when the blowback began. LINDSAY But no, you don’t understand. He wants to separate-- Oh! Oh! MARAUDER LINDSAY That’s my necklace! LINDSAY What-? What’s happening? What’s-? What’s-? What’s going on? REVELER The marauders, lady. A bunch of young Mexicans are taking over Cinco de Cuatro. They don’t find it funny anymore. LINDSAY But that was my necklace. I mean- God. They don’t belong here. We belong here. I mean, someone should put up a wall. RON And that's when Lindsay found herself saying this. LINDSAY We should put up a wall. Put up this wall. Put up this wall. LINDSAY / CROWD Put up this wall. Put up this wall. RON Which was originally her mother's idea. Although horrible news for her father. But that's when Lindsay found out who she really was. LINDSAY My name is Lindsay Bluth. And this is who I am. RON A Bluth. DAVID She’s a gamechanger. RON Just like her mother. RON On the next Arrested Development... RON …Herbert Love is discovered in a coma. DAVID They think it happened during the blowback. They found him behind the Kick-A-Goat. The doctors say he may come out of it in a week to ten years. So I have one question for you. Would you consider-? LINDSAY Yes. DAVID Would you consider-? LINDSAY Yes. DAVID Would you consider-? LINDSAY Yes. DAVID Would you consider running in his place? LINDSAY Yes. DAVID Fantastic. Sweetheart, could you work his thumb? RON And she even gets Herbert’s endorsement. DAVID And, uh, honey, can we see some pupils… DAVID …over here? RON And Annyong tries to… RON …stick the Bluth family for a tomato juice that costs him seven hundred dollars and ultimately his freedom. Goodbye, Annyong.