BAD_ACTOR_1 BAD_ACTOR_2 BALBOA BUM BUM_2 CHINA CHUCK COP_1 DEBRIE DIRECTOR DRIVER DR_TILIVE GARDEN GEORGE_SR GOB INDIAN_MEDICAL_STUDENT_1 INDIAN_MEDICAL_STUDENT_2 INDIAN_PASSENGER JAMES JANICE JOHN JOHNBEARD JOHN_BEARD LINDSAY LITERAL_DOCTOR LUCILLE LUCILLE_2 MAN MAN_1 MAN_2 MICHAEL NARRATOR NURSE OFFICER_CARTER OFFICER_THREE PRIEST PROCESS_SERVER_1 PROCESS_SERVER_2 RON SHANNON_RYAN SIGNS TEXT TOBIAS TOURIST TOURIST_DAD TOURIST_DAD_2 TOURIST_KID TOURIST_KID_2 WOMAN MAN Keep your eyes open. JOHN BEARD All right, guys. What have we got? SHANNON RYAN It's quiet out there. MAN Stand by. JOHN BEARD Yeah, we, uh-- We better be ready. JOHN BEARD Yeah. I'm a man. Don't make it look like makeup. COP1 Car. COP2 Car. JOHN BEARD Is that guy one of ours? OFFICER THREE Lookatthelicenseplate. JOHN BEARD Looks like we got ourselves an anus tart. RON Tobias Fünke was on his way to reconnect witha daughterhe'dlosttouchwith. TOBIAS Hey there, it's big daddy. I thought I'd try to call you before I surprised you. Things are really looking up, and, uh... Hello? Damn it, what Sudden Valley does to thesecell phones. RON Unbeknownst to Tobias, however, the Sudden Valley home he was on his way to visit... OFFICER CARTER Anus tart is turning on Tracey Lane. RON ...had beenrentedouttoatelevisioncrew. DIRECTOR He's creeping up George-Michael. JOHN BEARD All right, guys. Let's entrap a local predator. Come on, he’s a lowlife. We gotta put this piece of s**t away. JOHN BEARD Who, What, When, Where, Why, How... Who, What, Where, When, Why and How... Who, what, when, where, why and how. COP 1 Anustart is approaching the portico. RON Yes, Tobias was finally about to get a starring role on a hit TV show. TOBIAS Is there a little girl here all by herself? JOHN BEARD And now the story of theawfulpeoplewhoareaboutto loseeverythingandtheonenewsmanwhohadnochoice but to entrap them all together. It's John Beard's "To Entrap a Local Predator." Supercreeps. TEXT JOHN BEARD’S TO ENTRAP A LOCAL PREDATOR SUPERCREEPS ORANGE COUNTY EDITION RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son-in-law who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Tobias' Arrested Development. RON Five years before Tobias was to appear on John Beard's TV show, his acting career was as washed up... TOBIAS None taken. RON …as his family. TOBIAS Look at you, huh, soaked to the bone RON ... andthosemenhe was touchingfor some reason. And his wifechallengedhimtoreexaminethe other parts of his life as well. LINDSAY There's nothing keeping us together. LINDSAY It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working. You know, your acting career, this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham because you're gay-- TOBIAS I'm sorry, "everyone thinks I'm gay?" LINDSAY Well, I mean, it's kind of arunning joke in the family. I mean, you know that, right? Because of the misleading way you talk sometimes. TOBIAS You’resayingthe way I talk makes mesound gay? When in the last year I've said anything remotely mis-- TEXT 11 seconds earlier… TOBIAS ? It's just a phallus-eee ? TOBIAS --leading. Is this because I want to be an actor and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay? LINDSAY I don't think that all the leading men in Hollywood are gay. TOBIAS Oh, honey. LINDSAY Look, we're chasing things that aren't real. Maybe we need to go out there and find out what we're meant to do. RON His wifewas givinghim thecoldshoulderandafterkissing it goodbye, he satwithher family feeling lost… TOBIAS You look how I feel. RON …and very misunderstood. GOB Gay? TOBIAS No, I... No. RON Tobias knew it was time to find out what he was truly meant to do... RON ... so when he came across a book the universehadplaced inhis path, hewasopen to its inspiration. TOBIAS Oh, they'restill reading it, but, well, Iguess I can leave them some love. RON So he just took eat and pray. RON Eatwas easy, althoughit providednocosmic answers for him. RON But it was the part about India that really got to him. RON And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray, Tobias decided to get as far away from his wife as possible. RON And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India. TOBIAS And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India. RON And soon he discovered his wife was also preparing to go somewhere... TOBIAS I think you have my suitcase? RON ...far away. LINDSAY I'm so sorry, Tobias. Look, I'm already packed. Can I just use this one? TOBIAS Oh, what the heck. I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore. And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual. TOBIAS Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions, and that is why I'm making a new start. LINDSAY A new start. Filled with compassion and love. I like that. TOBIAS Well, I've already gotten the license plate, so go cry in your pie. RON Andso Tobias, hopingtostraightenouthis image, set out on a new start. RON Beginning with a trip to the airport in anoutfithepretty muchputtogether himself. TOBIAS Iguess this is why youneverseethemdriving convertibles. RON I'll havetocheck onthatone, butitcertainly wasn't embraced... LINDSAY Get in a lane, anustart! DRIVER Anustart! RON ... by the local Indian community. DRIVER Yougetatruesenseoftheonenessofall. RON And his quest hit a bump early on, as he struggled to learn the customs and gestures of the culture he hoped to adopt. TOBIAS Oh, God damn it. Am I the only one who still dresses to fly? TEXT moments later… TOBIAS Well, there we go. India clean! Now, how did I...? No. No. RON Unfortunately, recreating the look of the traditional Indian garb turned out to be more difficult... INDIAN PASSENGER Are you finished? TOBIAS I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus. RON ... without the aid of Pradeep the helpful Indian salesman... TOBIAS I feel like there was less up top. RON ... at Bed Bath and Beyond, who helped him learn how to tie it. TOBIAS No, I can’t even see. I’ve got it. Okay, that’s-- Yes, I actually like this better. TOBIAS Yes? CHUCK Canadian? TOBIAS No, I'm American. CHUCK Oh, yeah. I'm Canadian. TOBIAS Oh, sorry. RON But because it was a long flight, he figured he'd wait a beat on finding his truecalling andwatchsomethingtotakehis mindoff Lindsay. TOBIAS How could they not have Failure to Launch? RON Who he knew was far away at the time. TOBIAS Oh, God damn it. RON Andaftertakingthe wrongbag at theairport... WOMAN All unattended goats will be confiscated. RON ... Tobias finally arrived…. TOBIAS And so Tobias Fünke embarked on a—Oh, dear Lord. It's hot! RON …in India, yes. Where he was very uncomfortable. Not only because the wind whipped up his queen-sized fitted mini- sarong... TOBIAS Oh! RON ...but because he looked the wrong directionwhen steppingintothestreet. RON Andso Tobiasexperienced India fromtheinside of a hospital room, where the staff was being trained... LITERAL DOCTOR This man herebrokehis skull in two places. RON ... by thesamedoctorhe'dhadin America. LITERAL DOCTOR Once outside the airport and once in the elevatorwhenhis sheetgotcaughtand hewas pulled off his gurney. RON Literally. INDIAN MEDICAL STUDENT 1 Two places indeed. INDIAN MEDICAL STUDENT 2 This is very funny. It’s like that new show we just got, Laugh In. TOBIAS My name is—Oh! Now I’ve broken my skull in a third place. On this elephant guy statue! RON Tobias hadwantedthe universetoprovidehim a sign... INDIANMEDICALSTUDENT3 You should be a comedy actor! RON …and finally it had. TOBIAS This is the sign I've been-- RON -- looking for. And after two more weeks in the hospital, it was time for his flight home. RON And that's when he got another sign: a call from Lindsay. RON Althoughhewouldn'tbeabletoreachthephone for hours... LINDSAY I'm ready to make this work. RON ... due tohis already weakened spine. SIGNS BALBOA TOWERS RON Tobias and Lindsay shared the news of their newstart atafamily gathering. LINDSAY ... and by process ofelimination, is Tobias. TOBIAS I got the part. TOBIAS You know, it's funny, for I too find that I am on a journey. Although as we discovered when our MasterCardbillcameback, itwasthe same one she took. But mine has confirmedthat Ishould redoublemy efforts toachieve the unachievable dream of being an actor. A journey that has left me eager to connect with my true love, particularly if she finds her way clear to covering a two thousand rupee City of Hopelessness hospital debt. LUCILLE The trick is goingtobegettinganyoneto believe thatherhusbandisstraightenough to have a "true love" that's a woman. TOBIAS What are you implying? MICHAEL Oh, I don't think therewas any "implying" going on at all. Didn't hear any implying. LUCILLE I wasn't implying. TOBIAS I'm sorry, mother, it’s just I've got a bit of a stick up my "bung hole" about what I've now found is a running joke about me. But let’s be honest, for two thousand rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey. Yes, Michael? RON Atthe time of this family meeting, Two thousandrupees was thirty-six dollars. MICHAEL I wouldn't. GEORGE SR Of course you wouldn’t, Michael. You never accept help from anyone. RON And hoping to do things differently this time, Lindsay immediately started spending money she didn’t have… SIGNS neighborhood JAMES And you're ready to make a move? TOBIAS As youcansee, I'mready foralotthat's new. JAMES Oh, good heavens. RON …while Tobias pursued the life of a professional actor. TOBIAS I'll catch up with you later. TOBIAS Listen, I'm an actor. You're an agent. You do the math. I want you to represent me. In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating. JAMES You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator. I sell giant houses to very poor people who can't afford them with predatory loans. TOBIAS No, see, that's the money stuff I don't understand. All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, because I can't do it believably. What do you say? JAMES Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work. TOBIAS Huzzah! Okay, here's the number of my current agent, Mike Matthews. He’s at Allstate. Fire him. RON Tobias started… RON ... seeing positive career signs everywhere he chose to put them. RON And at his new agent’s suggestion, he even snuck ontoa studio lot tohandout headshots to extras and other show business insiders. TOBIAS Taft-Hartley pending. RON Things were looking up for the Fünkes. RON They even celebrated their first home-cooked Thanksgiving. TOBIAS Duck l’orange. TOBIAS Lindsay. Lindsay, get the scooper. Throw oranges at it! I think it's still alive!! Hot orange! Hot orange! It’s throwing it’s voice! LINDSAY It’s still alive! RON Andsotheywenttothe Fountain Valley China Garden, instead. SIGNS CHINA GARDEN RON Andif thecollapseof thehousingmarket... RON ... his lack of auditions... RON ...oreventhewritersstrikecouldn't deter Tobias from his dream... RON ...the suicideofhis ruinedand despondentagentcertainly could. PRIEST Ibelievehediedasawarning, inaway. His message, perhaps, to live within our means, and be realistic about our lives. RON And yet it didn't. TOBIAS Well, then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain. Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes. Carry on. RON Andhesoonfoundhimselfbringinghis wife to an acting class... RON ...in aneffortto jump start his career and marriage. NURSE If everyone's good, you'll getyourjuice. LINDSAY Whatdid yousay thenameofthis actingclass was again? TOBIAS Method One Clinic. LINDSAY Okay, I'm going go get coffee. TOBIAS Garden Grove Method One Clinic. RON And Tobias found himself captivated by one of the monologues. DEBRIE And I made it in that movie, uh, The Fantastic Four. Uh, but it wasn't fantastic for me. Uh, I got carried away, and I’m like, this **** is ****ed up. And I’m gonna get my **** together or I’m gonna be ****ed too. Anyways, now I'msoberand I'm trying. It's super hard. Thank you. RON It was a devastating and personal story. TOBIAS Okay, notes: Um, first of all, it seemed you were slurring abit there. And I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those words. Get it out there. This **** is ****ed up, sir. I'm sorry, I’m not familiar with the piece, so… DEBRIE No, no, that's it. TOBIAS But I am familiar withyour work in the Fantastic Four however. DEBRIE You’ve seen that? TOBIAS Of course. RON Twenty years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux hadplayed Sue Storm in the low budget version of the Fantastic Four, produced by Imagine Entertainment. RON When, during Imagine's Christmas party, a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose therights if they didn't make the film in the next six days. RON After a two-hour search, they foundtheirentirecast. SIGNS IMAGINE XMAS PARTY‘93 THE CAST RON They alsoprovedusefulsix days later at the wrap party. SIGNS FANTASTIC FOUR WRAP PARTY DEBRIE I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl. I can't believe you saw me. TOBIAS Well, I thoughtitwas“fantastic.” RON Actually, most of the performance that had so captivated Tobias… MST3 Hey. Maybe she came into this Lightbulbs Unlimited. Henchman She was here a minute ago! RON …was performed by afishing line. MAN 1 Wait, grab that urine sample and let’s get out of here. MAN 2 This is the gayest Starbucks ever. MST3 Did his fishing line break too? DEBRIE Well, my acting career is over. TOBIAS Oh, don't say that. You've got to say, “Keep the dream alive.” That's what helps me. DEBRIE Well, this is what’s helping me. It's really good. TOBIAS Oh, Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice, butthen he’daddfivedollars toour credit card. Well, here is to our "acting" addiction! DEBRIE Yep. TOBIAS May we never be cured. DEBRIE Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. Oh, it's a nosebleed. Oh, thank you so much. RON Tobias had found a friend. DEBRIE You're neat. TOBIAS You're neat. DEBRIE You’re neat. TOBIAS You’re neat. RON And after a not very cute meet-cute, Tobias continued to find DeBrie's behavior delightful, evenwhenthe methadone made her think she was a piece of toast. TOBIAS There. Now I can see a pretty face under all that butter substitute. And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else. DEBRIE I've done some things I'm not proud of. TOBIAS Episodics? Been there. RON It wasn't episodic. RON She had been in a series of soft core pornmovies aboutwomen leadingstraight men into gay sex called Straight Bait. DEBRIE He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you’ve gotta have to have sex with him first. BAD ACTOR 1 And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay. BAD ACTOR 2 I'll show you how not gay I am! RON She did six of these movies, and after lunch, did three more. DEBRIE It's nice to be recognized though. Marky Bark, sometimes he doesn’t know when I'm in the same room. And sometimes it feels like it's notthe face blindness, you know? TOBIAS Same with me and Lindsay. I know she's trying, but she doesn't believe in my acting career. Maybe she's right. I've yet to make more money as an actor than I ever did as a doctor. And that's with Country Wide behind me! DEBRIE You're a doctor? You can write scrips? TOBIAS Well, I'd like to think so. DEBRIE You should never give up a dream if you can write scrips. You seem like you'd be a good doctor actor. RON Itwas the first positive reinforcement Tobias had had since India. DEBRIE You remind me of Billy Crystal- RON Itwouldhavebroken Tobias' heartifhe'dknownshewas abouttosay Billy Crystal Meth, a funny drug dealer. TOBIAS I got a bit carried away when you compared me to Billy Crystal. DEBRIE You remind me of Billy Crystal-- RON Once again, she was going to say, Billy Crystal Meth. TOBIAS I'm sorry, DeBrie. I've never met anyone who understands me like you do. Or at all. DEBRIE Maybe with someone like you I could have a new start. TOBIAS Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Did you see my license plate? A - N - U - S - T - A - R - T. DEBRIE Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Did you see my Straight Bait movie of the same name? DEBRIE Weshould be together. We should run away. TOBIAS Wait, what? Really? Oh, my gosh, well, this is happening so fast. What do I do about Lindsay? I mean, can I just improv my way out of a marriage? Yes, and let's do this. DEBRIE Black out. RON Unawarethatasimilaroff-menuswaphadjust occurred at Swappigans... RON ... Tobias broke the news that he was leaving Lindsayina phonecalltoher. TOBIAS You are going to be really happy for me for I have met someone. It's not important who it is. It's Sue Storm! I'mso sorry,but DeBriebelievesinme. And she stopped my heart too. RON Ifyou'rewonderingwhat"too" referred to, it was this. TEXT moments earlier… TOBIAS Let’s do this. DEBRIE Black out. TOBIAS And scene! As they say…. TOBIAS Her heart stopped. She’s dying. Please. Someone. She had too much butter. She’s a very famous actress. DR TILIVE Did someone say butter out here? Oh, my God. That's a butter face. DR TILIVE How much butter did the patient have? TOBIAS I don't know, a Star Trek chess sets' worth? DR TILIVE Damn it, that Swappigans puts more people in this hospital. Make way, people! We got a sixty-one year old male in full cardiac arrest coming through! DR TILIVE You’re gonna have to wait outside, sir. TOBIAS Be careful of her face! She's an actress! Ahh! RON It'sworthnotingthat Tobiashadheard this hospital in Orange County was a favorite of show business bigshots seeking plastic surgery. TOBIAS We're both actors! Ahh! RON On the day of Lucille's trial... RON ...Tobias was in a hospital with a woman he’d both fallen for andhadrushed into an ICU. TOBIAS See? Makeup makes everyone feel a little better. DEBRIE You didn't leave me? Everybody leaves me. I've been left in dumpsters and on the curb. TOBIAS I wouldn't dream of it. DR TILIVE Excuse me, could you, uh, leave us alone for a minute? Thank you. TOBIAS Yeah, absolutely. Yes. DEBRIE No, I’d like him to-- To stay. DR TILIVE Really? DEBRIE Yeah. DR TILIVE Okay. I’m afraid that you've tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trico- monitis, non-gonococcalurethritis. All the -itises really. And there's also a host of -osises. You know, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl. TOBIAS Well, will she be okay? DR TILIVE Well, we can treat all of these things but if she's really going to be okay, uh, she's going to have to tackle this drug problem. TOBIAS Youdidn'ttellmeyouhad adrugproblem. DEBRIE We met at a Methadone clinic. TOBIAS Are you high? We met at an acting class. The Method One-- DR TILIVE There it is. I'm going to let you guys hash this out. DEBRIE Iguess Ishouldn'thaveliedaboutbeingclean when I took that methadone. But I'll do better this time. Or are you going to leave me now that you know that I'm a druggie? TOBIAS DeBrie, look. Some people struggle with addiction. Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something. And, it’s my professional opinion that your drug use is a direct result of your abandoning your dream of acting. You are a gifted actress. When I first saw Straight Bait, there weretwo men makinglovebut Icouldn't take my eyes off of you. DEBRIE You watched Straight Bait? TOBIAS Oh, just two, four and nine. You were with a guy who didn't careabout you, but stick with me and I'll make you famous.By cashing in on your most celebrated role. TOBIAS Come on, come all! Get your photo taken with Sue Storm, from the Fantastic Four! TOURIST Hey, is that Jessica Alba? TOBIAS No! This is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux! TOURIST Who? TOBIAS The original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux! No, no. No free pictures, kids! Now scram. Get out of here. Go. Get out of here. DEBRIE I don't think this is working. Maybe I need to get a regular job. I do have a law degree. TOBIAS I know, Iknow,and I'’madoctor. But,no, let's not settle. Look, it's the Fantastic Four. No one recognizes one alone. I've got an idea. TOBIAS Ten dollars gets you a picture with real Hollywood characters. What do you say? Ten dollars. That’s certainly cheap. Oh, hello, young man and his... Uncle? Neighbor? TOURIST DAD Father. TOBIAS Oh! That's terrific. Well, how would youliketohaveyour picturetakenwithreal, Hollywood movie land characters? TOURIST KID Are you the Smurfs? TOURIST DAD No, no, no. They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo. TOBIAS Oh, I assure you, there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the human flamer! And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter in law. Now watch as I get— No, I have special effects— Look. Children love fire. DEBRIE This isn't working either. TOBIAS You're right. Two people in blue doesn't say "Fantastic Four.” You know what, though? I think I may have just the thing. Just the thing. Cut to... TOBIAS Now that I'm the iconic rock man The Thing, no one will misunderstand. I'm sure the Blues Brothers here will know who we are. PROCESS SERVER 1 Excuse me. Are you Sue Storm and The Thing? TOBIAS Oh, who’s smart now? Indeed we are! RON Infact, they were Orthodoxmembers of the law firm Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg and Feinberg. PROCESSSERVER2 We're from the firm Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg and Feinberg. SIGNS Feinberg Feinberg Feinberg & Feinberg PROCESS SERVER 2 We represent Stan Lee and Marvel Enterprises. This is a cease and desist orderingyoutostop impersonatingany ofour trademarked characters. DEBRIE Oh, letmetakealook at that. Ihavea law degree-- TOBIAS No, DeBrie. I've got this. Mr. Feinberg, uh, would it change your mind if I offered you a free Sue Storm arm band? RON It did not change his mind. RON Andalthoughthehatecrimecharges weredismissed, they weretoldtheycouldnotcontinue to pose as the Fantastic Four. DEBRIE Cantheyreally makeusleave Hollywood Blvd? TOBIAS Apparentlyinthisinstance, paperbeatsrock. DEBRIE You have rock? TOBIAS No, I am your rock now. DEBRIE Oh. So, what are we gonna do now thatwe don't have the rights? TOBIAS Well, we’ll just go off brand. We'll just change the names and do a cheap, generic knock off. Kids don't care. RON Tobias took them down to a street near Harbor Blvd., where his friend Gary Goose told him they didn't police very much. TOBIAS Rock Monster and Ability to be Invisible Person! TOBIAS Hello, young man. What brings you to at least 500 feet past the entrance of Disneyland? TOURIST KID 2 Dad, can I get my picturetakenwiththe Thing and Invisible Girl? They're the Fantastic Four! TOBIAS Well, actually, technically, I’m Rock Monster and this is Ability to be Invisible Person. TOURIST DAD 2 Hey, you guys want the ten dollars or not? DEBRIE Yeah. Yeah, yeah. TOBIAS Uh, yes, okay. We’re the Thing and the Invisible Girl. TOURIST KID 2 You’re under arrest. TOBIAS What? TOURIST DAD 2 Boom. Turn around. Get up there. Come on. TOBIAS Come on, now. TOURIST DAD 2 No, no, no. We're not going to kill them. We're just going to handcuff them. DEBRIE Youcan'tshoot us, ‘causeit's notafelony. TOURIST DAD 2 Keep your eyes on her. I'll be right back. TOURIST KID 2 Okay. DEBRIE If it happens again, youknow, itwill be athird strike. Three strikes law is up for review in the appellate courts but they really shouldn’t be charging-- TOBIAS Iknowofastreetin Garden Grovewhere they don't police very much. DEBRIE Okay. RON Things werelookingdown... RON …and over the following weeks, their financialsituation grewdireenoughforthis tohappen. DEBRIE We’re broke. TOBIAS But you can’t sell your Fantastic Four costume, I mean, that would be like a fisherman selling his fishing costume! DEBRIE No, I was going to have sex with him. For money. TOBIAS What? No! Put that back on. You don't have to degrade yourself this way. BILLY CRYSTAL METH Hey. I'm not a thing. TOBIAS Hey, I am a thing. RON And so with no other options, Tobias returned to his in-laws penthouse, desperate enough to ransack the place... RON ... when it appeared someone had beaten him to it. TOBIAS Michael. No, George-Michael. RON And that's when he heard what sounded like two ostriches making love to a pop hit. But was actually this: TEXT moments earlier… LUCILLE 2 ? Why don't you go away, go away? Getaway, get away Stay away You’re hopelessly hopeless ? LUCILLE 2 Stop the chicken! Somebody help! TOBIAS Lucille 2! TOBIAS Help her! Help! Kevin! Give me a hand. Get Dr. Bowmick. Or Alicia. Either one. This woman’s been attacked by an ostrich. JANICE Oh, Tobias’ got a new girlfriend. RON Tobias had acted like an actual superhero and saved Lucille 2. LUCILLE 2 There's my hero! Youknow, thedoctors said if that bird had gotten through my second layer of makeup, it could have done permanent damage to my skin! And I want to repay you. You're a doctor and you're out of work. How would you like to come work for me at Austerity? TOBIAS The rehab center? That's yours? LUCILLE 2 Well, my brother Argyleruns it day today, but weare so understaffed. You'd be such a gift. It would only pay 120 grand a year to start. RON Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly sold her body for money in front of him, knew that everyone at some time had to face reality. RON But this wasn't the time. TOBIAS No. DEBRIE You turned it down? I almost aguyfora hamburgerandyouturndown a hundred and twenty thousand a year? TOBIAS To keep our dream alive? Yes. I did. I thought you'd be proud of me. After all, a doctor in India told me that I have a gift to make people laugh. Why are you crying? DEBRIE You're worse than Marky! He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me! RON Thesetbacksentanemotionallyfragile DeBriebacktoher oldways, andbeforelong she was picked up by a limo for a night of being passed around amongst Hollywood creeps. GOB Who wants to party with Mark Cherry? RON For three weeks, Tobias waited, hoping DeBrie would return. RON Perhaps it was the morning he awoke to find two bums using him as a pillow that he realized she wasn't coming back. BUM Who are you supposed to be? TOBIAS Oh, I’m The Thing from Fantastic Four-- BUM You've been served. TOBIAS Oh, f**k me. Are you undercover as well? BUM 2 I'm CIA. I'm not here for you, though. I’m scoping out Imagine Entertainment. RON So with nowhere to go… TOBIAS I thought I’d try you again, hoping to catch you… RON …and no one to help him out of his rock suit… TOBIAS You read comic books, yes? RON …he went to see if his daughter would give him a place to stay. TOBIAS ? Is that a gal I see No, it's just a phallus-eee ? SHANNON RYAN The fun begins, right Officer 3? OFFICER THREE I'll say. JOHN BEARD --why and how. Who, what, when, where, why and how. TOBIAS Is therealittle girl hereall byherself? RON Andperhaps it was this thatwouldfinally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way. TOBIAS Daddy needs toget his rocks off. RON On the next "Arrested Development"... TEXT JOHN BEARD’S TO ENTRAP A LOCAL PREDATOR SUPERCREEPS ORANGE COUNTY EDITION NARRATOR On the next To Entrap a Local Predator: JOHN BEARD I'll be down in a minute. Have some lemonade! NARRATOR Predator gets its first rock solid case. JOHNBEARD Pretty good lemonade, huh? TOBIAS It is. Is there alcohol in here? John Beard! JOHN BEARD Please have a seat. TOBIAS Okay. JOHN BEARD Why are you here? TOBIAS I'm here to see my little girl. I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing! What are you doing here? JOHN BEARD I'm doing a, uh.... A local interest piece. SHANNON RYAN Okay, in there, boys. TOBIAS Oh, really local. JOHN BEARD That’s right. Yeah. TOBIAS Is this about my daughter? JOHN BEARD Oh, soit's yourdaughteryou'rehere to see. TOBIAS Yes. Maeby. SHANNON RYAN Ifhe’sgotadaughter, thenhow old is she? JOHN BEARD Let me ask you this: How old is she? TOBIAS Oh, heh. Why do you put me on the spot? Um, I want to say nineteen? But I like to think of her as 15. JOHN BEARD Well, you'refree togo, she’s not here. NARRATOR Butthis creepwon'ttake"go" forananswer. TOBIAS Oh, uh, no, that's all right, I'll stay, I'll wait. NARRATOR And this creep makes himself right at home. JOHN BEARD Give me just a minute. SHANNON RYAN He’s not leaving. OFFICER THREE He’s not leaving. JOHN BEARD He’s not leaving. SHANNON RYAN Tellhimthere's araccooninthebackyard. JOHN BEARD Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio. TOBIAS Ha, bull****! TOBIAS Where is that little guy? NARRATOR Andthisguyturnsouttobearealcomedian. TOBIAS I justbrokemy skull inafourthplace, the patio!