ARGYLE BARRY BUSTER CHONA DAYS DEBRIE EMMETT GENE GENE_PARMESAN GEORGE_SENIOR GEORGE_SR GOB INMATE_ONE INMATE_TWO JOHN_BEARD JUDGE_KORN LEM LINDSAY LOVE_SUPPORTER LOVE_SUPPORTERS LUCILLE LUCILLE_TWO MARKY MICHAEL MINNI MRS_OH MRS_OH_NOH NOH OLIVE OSCAR PARTYER PRISON_ANNOUNCEMENT REALITY_CONTESTANT REALITY_NARRATOR RECEPTIONIST_ONE RECEPTIONIST_TWO RESTAURANT_WORKER RON SINGER TEXT TOBIAS YOUNG_BARRY REALITY NARRATOR Meet the Jade Dragon Triad. They take no prisoners. REALITY NARRATOR ...because they are prisoners… REALITY NARRATOR …here at the Orange County Correctional Facility lite. REALITY NARRATOR They're the ruling gang in this four star hell-hole. And the Real Asian Prison Housewives of the Orange County White Collar Prison System. REALITY NARRATOR But now there's a new fish in their ranks, and she's causing trouble. NOH We are a gang. We stick together. NOH Uh huh. Although right now one of our members is a real b-word. We’re getting ready to do something about it. OLIVE She come in here and quickly become leader. And we get… OLIVE …sick of her bossy, bossy behavior. And now she got to go. MRS OH In civilian life, we'd just vote Lu out, but here, she's gonna end up on the wrong end of a noodle. Uncooked. You get me? LUCILLE Ignore them. Their… LUCILLE …bark is louder than the dogs they eat back home. And I got news for them. Anyone who comes after me is going to be one unfortunate cookie. I made a pun! RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one mother who had no choice but to keep herself together. It's Lucille’s Arrested Development. RON Years before her behavior had become “bossy bossy” with the… RON …Jade Dragon Triad, Lucille was fleeing the S.E.C.... LUCILLE Full steam, boys! RON ...when she got a call. LUCILLE Hello, Lucille. I still hope you're still coming to our little get-together. LUCILLE TWO You want to hear something funny? I never got an invitation! But I feel like I'm there because it's all over the news. Oh, honey! Is that you? I'm on my deck waving to you. But with those police boats following you, I guess I'm waving goodbye. LUCILLE Well, you must be mistaken, because I can't see you, and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig. LUCILLE TWO Oh, goodness that is you. I’m practically counting your crow’s feet. LUCILLE Oh, well, maybe I should turn back and show you another bird! Hello? Hello? Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello? RON But it was clear that Lucille Two hadn't heard it. RON So in a fit of what sailors call "sea- rage" she turned back… LUCILLE Coming about. RON …to show her the bird. LUCILLE Coming about, boys! RON But Lucille Two wasn't the only thing that got flipped that day. JOHN BEARD None of which would have happened if it had continued out to sea. JOHN BEARD But then the Queen changed course, heading back to shore, before crashing into the jetty in what can only be described as a 'sail-past' gone wrong. Why the alleged Shipjacker returned to shore is still unexplained... RON And that's when they got the good news from Barry. BARRY First of all, won’t be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees. GEORGE SENIOR What’s the good news? RON Correction. Good news for Barry. LINDSAY There’s nothing keeping us together. BARRY Actually, I can see how you think it's all bad news. It’s all bad news. RON Although he did have one good suggestion. BARRY You’re going away for a long time. Unless we can come up with a good alibi. BUSTER Mother! I fell in the ocean. Why didn't you come for me? LUCILLE And there it is. BUSTER What? LUCILLE I did! Buster… BUSTER What? LUCILLE …tell them how you were drowning and I commandeered the ship to save you. Tell them what I did. The truth. BUSTER Okay. She stole the Queen Mary to get away from the SEC. Oh, and she winked. Correction. It's a glare. BUSTER Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa, what are you doing? GEORGE SR Oh, God. You-- You’re gonna be fine. BUSTER Wait! What are you doing? What are you--? Wait, wait, wait, where are you going, where are you goin? Wait! She doesn't have her make-- I have her lipstick. RON But Buster knew that lipstick wasn't the only thing she'd be without. BUSTER Bring her back! Come on! Ah! RON So after she was released… RON …to await trial under house arrest, he made sure she was able catch up on what she missed. LUCILLE This is the same scene I came back to after Cancun four years ago. RON And after devising their… RON …their plan to build the wall, it was decided that George Sr. should move out. LUCILLE Our wall. We build the wall. GEORGE SR We'll build that sucker five… LUCILLE That’s my George! RON ...in order to make their fake divorce look real. GEORGE SR …miles high. LUCILLE This fake divorce has got to look real. After the trial, you can move back in. It's only a trial separation. I made a pun! Even in this time of stress. GEORGE SR You think you’re gonna be okay along with--? With Buster? LUCILLE If I need a moment to myself, I’ll step out on the balcony. GEORGE SR Your ankle bracelet? It’s gonna go off. LUCILLE So I'll make him stand on the balcony. He's happiest when he feels useful. RON Soon he was… RON …practically delirious. There was one bright spot when they simultaneously stumbled on a term… RON …they both secretly recognized... REALITY CONTESTANT Now it’s time to take this hot mess of a skirt and turn it into a pair of pants. RON …that would be useful in their future disagreements. REALITY CONTESTANT And my model is a hot mess. And I'm just-- I’m covered with glue. LUCILLE Hot mess. REALITY CONTESTANT And I'm like, this is a hot mess! BUSTER This is a hot mess. RON But as her trial grew closer, it was getting harder… RON …for Lucille not to alienate her alibi. BUSTER Here's your breakfast. LUCILLE This toast has hook holes. Again. I told you to get rid of that thing. It's hideous. Plus, what's gonna happen when they swear you in? You're gonna rip the bible in half. The jury’ll love that. BUSTER You're getting pretty snippy to your key witness, aren't you? LUCILLE What do you want? BUSTER Maybe you can hook me up with a little stimmy? Little stimmy. LUCILLE Are you trying to do this? BUSTER Yes. And I want stimmy to get a hook that'll do that! RON When no such hook was available, Lucille found other means to mollify her alibi. RON Both of which were unveiled at a family meeting. GEORGE SR --gotta keep you clean. You're the key witness in your mother's trial. BUSTER Wait, I thought I was the key witness. LUCILLE You're the star witness. BUSTER Oh. LUCILLE Because it was your life I was going after to save. He fell off the boat. He'll tell you in my own words. BUSTER Ah. Homosexuals kidnapped… LUCILLE Up, up, up. BUSTER Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joyride, and mother didn't wanna trample their rights so she let ‘em, then she realized that her son fell off the boat and into the water and she went back. Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle. That really happened. Should I keep it? LUCILLE Make it an eel. BUSTER Okay. It's gonna be an eel! BARRY Better! RON But alone with Buster, the tension grew worse... RON …and things came to a head the night before the trial. LUCILLE I just don't understand why I can't sleep in my own bed the night before my trial. Buster! I'm going to exhale! BUSTER No, please! I’ve had, like, seven in the past half hour. LUCILLE You're not the one staring five years in the face. BUSTER Well, right now I'm staring at a hundred years in the face! LUCILLE How dare you. Would you mind? BUSTER Careful, "defendant". Remember who you're talking to. It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness. LUCILLE Star witness. And are you threatening yourself? BUSTER Maybe I am. RON And, losing confidence in her star witness, Lucille… RON …decided to take a few keepsakes with her in case things didn't go her way. RON And that's when she discovered that the family she believed supported her had actually already begun divvying up her stuff in case she lost. LUCILLE Oh. And he's supposed to be the good one. This does not bode well for tomorrow. RON Actually, they'd claimed those things years earlier… RON …when she was having a sun spot checked. RON …but she was right to worry about the turnout for the trial. JUDGE KORN Does the defense have a witness they'd like to call? Any witness? LUCILLE Please tell me you're working on a strategy for us. BARRY Oh, it's us now? Well, we have Lucille Austero. She's the only one who showed. I don’t think that it good for us. LUCILLE Nonsense. She owns the company now. She’s got as much to lose as I do. And she’s a dear friend. I'll do it myself though. I need this to go well. RON And so it was Lucille who did the questioning of her new star witness, Lucille Two. BARRY We’d like to call Lucille Austero. LUCILLE Thank you so much for coming to be my witness. You're such a large shareholder. Oh! I've made a pun but-- LUCILLE TWO Oh, how could I not do it for my oldest friend. Oh, now I've gone and done a double! LUCILLE Oh, a double. Like your pre-surgery chin-- LUCILLE TWO Or your post-breakfast drink. Oh I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic. But anything to help that Keystone Cop family of yours. LUCILLE Keystone Cops. Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years. But my friend -- LUCILLE TWO You're right. I shouldn't joke. None of your family showed up, you poor thing. This is such a black mark on all of you. LUCILLE You should know about black marks. Your pillow must look like a Rorschach test. Not that there'd be anyone to see it. So as I was saying-- RON But unfortunately their thirty year passive-aggressive dance was losing some of its 'passive'. LUCILLE As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero. LUCILLE TWO Oh, what I knew was that you were stealing for years. We all did. That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat! LUCILLE And I knew you couldn’t wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company! LUCILLE TWO Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space. LUCILLE No further questions! LUCILLE TWO No further answers! LUCILLE TWO Am I done? BARRY Oh, that’s gotta be a treasure chest. LUCILLE You think that went well? BARRY I do. RON The judge kept Lucille on ice… RON …while she awaited the verdict. LUCILLE Have you heard anything? RESTAURANT WORKER Well, our cashier is pregnant. And she's not married. So… LUCILLE I mean about me. RESTAURANT WORKER Oh, you're guilty. Three to five. RON Lucille… RON …was checking in to her new home. MINNI Hello! Oh, Mrs. Bluth is here. For stealing the Queen Mary. We’re so happy to have you here. RON It was one of the so-called Country Club prisons that had become popular after the Enron debacle. MINNI So you are here, you will have to go here. So you’re gonna take this hallway to the elevators and then you’re gonna wanna go to the third floor. LUCILLE Slow down! You sound like the end of a Cymbalta commercial. MINNI Even the lifers get confused sometime. Don't worry, we can have a porter bring you to intake. You have a choice of… RON Even though it was a nice prison, it was still prison. MINNI …fresh scent, sport or floral for your delousing? Also, if you’re sexually assaulted by a guard-- LUCILLE A twenty dollar gratuity is appreciated? MINNI No, but press seven on your phone. If you go through the front desk, it’ll take forever. RON After Lucille got settled in, she received a visitor. LUCILLE You missed my trial, George. How could you. GEORGE SR I told you I'm sorry. I was unconscious on the sweat lodge floor. I lost two days. LUCILLE I'm losing three to five years. And those are the last years, George. The best years, where you can have sex and not worry about getting pregnant. GEORGE SR All right, here’s the good news they only got you on stealing the boat. They didn't even touch us on the financial stuff. You’re gonna get out of here. LUCILLE When? Better be before the money runs out. This place isn't cheap. GEORGE SR I know. And you are running up those spa bills. LUCILLE The same girl who hands me towels does the cavity checks. You tip. GEORGE SR Barry says he can get your sentence reduced if you agree to leave here and go to Lucille Two's rehab clinic. LUCILLE That’s the bitch who put me here. And I'm not going to fake having some sort of, I don't know, alcohol problem just so that sterile cuckoo bird can laugh at me. GEORGE SR I figured. Okay. I have another idea. Now, you know China Garden? LUCILLE I know the one by the harbor. GEORGE SR No, this one’s a person and that one closed. China Garden’s aunt Olive is very well connected with the Jade Triad gang. It’s a prison gang here and believe me, they will protect you. LUCILLE That's a gang? I thought they were tech support. PRISON ANNOUNCEMENT Ladies, come visit our new tennis court-- You don’t wanna miss-- RON It turned out they were a gang, and thanks to China Garden, Lucille… RON … was admitted as a probationary member. MRS OH You played mahjong before. LUCILLE Our beach club used to have a Jewish day. Your move, Olive Garden. OLIVE I can't concentrate. Playing mahjong without cigarette is like playing video poker without cigarette. NOH Why are we not allowed to smoke in this stupid prison? RON And that's when Lucille made her move. LUCILLE I know a loop hole. OLIVE Huh? Loop hole? MRS OH NOH Loop hole. Loop hole. RON It was a loophole that would get Lucille accepted as a full-fledged member of the Jade Dragon Triad... MRS OH You couldn’t have chosen a harder word to say. RON And soon the Dragons were taking drags on their cigarettes again. LUCILLE There's always a way to get what you want. OLIVE My husband is a very powerful man, Lucille Bluth. Perhaps we can help each other get what we want. RON And that’s how Lucille found a deep-pocketed investor to help build the wall. LUCILLE I got Olive Garden to offer us unlimited bread. Who better than the Chinese to help us build a wall, right? GEORGE SR So the Chinese will own a piece of the wall between the US and Mexico? LUCILLE They'll own all of it. But they'll make us very rich in the process. We just need to get Michael to sign a release. He sold his shares, but he could still claim that he deserves a piece. Or worse, find out and blow the whistle. Where the hell did we go wrong with that kid? GEORGE SR Probably where we went wrong with the others. I don’t know. I like the plan, I just wonder if we’re not in that treason-adjacent place where the, uh, government will retaliate and, uh, execute us? LUCILLE Oh, they'd never execute a woman for this. I have a good feeling about these people. GEORGE SR Well, that’s good enough for me. RON But the change in the economy led the government to put the wall project on hold. RON And as the months… RON …passed and the Chinese saw no progress on the wall, tension mounted. And Lucille was getting more controlling. LUCILLE She said you're fat. That's what you said, right? Or does that mean something different in Chinese? NOH No, it means "fat". OLIVE You keep causing trouble, you're going to end up with noodles in your belly. LUCILLE I like noodles. OLIVE Not this way. Very hard to digest. LUCILLE Ancient Chinese secret, huh? MRS OH It’s no secret. We'll kill you. RON She was even being controlling of the RAPHOCWCPS reality TV crew. LUCILLE Did you get that? LUCILLE Do you need a clean of her making the threat? I can lean back, but you will come around and get my reaction, yes? MRS OH Oh, I’ll say it again. We’ll kill you. TEXT DAYS LATER… RON But soon the threat was made real. LUCILLE --with my . MRS OH Hello. INMATE ONE Oh, my God! INMATE TWO There is is! LUCILLE Oh! She's got a sharpened noodle! She's trying to noodle stab me! LUCILLE This will even be more exciting if you jump cut it. OLIVE Quiet! You can't just come in and have bread for nothing around here. You have to pay bill some time. RON It wasn't a great time to find out George didn't own the right property to build the wall on. RON And so a new plan emerged. LUCILLE We make sure Herbert Love comes out against the wall. But after we get the government… RON They needed the government to kill the wall completely, but pay them anyway. GEORGE SR As much as I'd like to stay and lay some more pipe with you I better get moving on this thing. LUCILLE We've got to make this wall work, George. We know Lucille Two will oppose it. We just have to make sure Herbert Love does. GEORGE SR Oh, don't worry. That's why I asked Michael for help. LUCILLE Michael? What are you bringing Michael into this for? The only thing he should be doing is signing over his rights to the company. GEORGE SR I asked him to do this as well. RON He made it a condition of the now four favor family pact. GEORGE SR --do something for me. You know your mother is very hurt you haven’t visited her. It’s like you’ve given up on the family business. MICHAEL I have. GEORGE SR Yes, but not in writing. To protect all of us, visit her. Sign a little something saying it's all hers. Will you do this, Michael? MICHAEL Yeah. But I get to make you look bad in the movie. GEORGE SR Okay. MICHAEL Should we settle up? GEORGE SR All right, who owes what--? What to who? MICHAEL That’s-- I want that first. Sign on the X. LUCILLE Send me some evidence of a wall I can show the Chinese. LUCILLE And the government. We need to make this happen, George. The Chinese have more than a sharpened noodle with my name on it. RON And days later, that evidence arrived from George Sr. GEORGE SR We built this wall. We have miles and-- And miles of wall. Uh-- GEORGE SR There’s more wall, uh-- BUSTER Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! GEORGE SR And, you know, it-- It feels good to-- To be protecting our-- Our border. LUCILLE My God. He Steamboat Willied it. GEORGE SR Uh, it’s a heart project. BUSTER Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! GEORGE SR We love America. We love America. RON And that's when Lucille noticed something worrisome. RON It seemed her prison family was preparing for her to disappear as well. RON So Lucille took matters into her own hands. GOB Well, that was fast you hot… GOB …little-- LUCILLE It's your mother. GOB Hi. Sorry. I-- I thought you were somebody else. I can't tell you who, ‘cause I’m-- I’m dating someone famous. LUCILLE You’d better start to build this wall built pronto. I tried with your father, but he can't do it. GOB Well, I'm kind of busy right now. I'm working with Michael. LUCILLE What are you working on with Michael? GOB Dad made him give me a job. LUCILLE I see. So he thought it was a good idea to have you together. Isn't that nice? My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this? GOB Well, I don't know about "half-a-brain" but Tobias is living with me right now, and he's not very bright. Though he is working in that rehab where Lucille Two is. LUCILLE He is? RON And that's when Lucille came up with a plan to get transferred away from the Jade Dragon Triad. LUCILLE Hire a crew and start the wall. And not a word to your brother. I'm getting a transfer. It's time for Mama to put on the old drunk act. GOB That was an--? LUCILLE Hi. Lucille Bluth, would you please--? RON After a call to Lucille’s rehab center, where her drunk act was as good as anything you’d see at the Method One clinic… LUCILLE Fine. Lucille Austero. RON …Lucille was admitted as a patient, and soon met the therapist who held... TOBIAS I just want to say that I am thrilled that you chose me. RON ...the keys to her freedom. LUCILLE You look great. That suit looks very hetero on you. TOBIAS Well, thank you. You look very hetero as well. Now how are you? LUCILLE I'm as normal as blueberry pie. So write that down on a form, sign me out, I won’t have to go back to prison, and maybe you'll find a new car parked in your driveway. TOBIAS Uh, yes, well, it-- It doesn't work that way. We have to have a series of sessions and I have to swear in the best of my professional opinion that you have accepted and have made every effort at thoughtfully reflecting upon your weaknesses. LUCILLE Yes, write down that I did that. TOBIAS Oh, no I-- I don't work that way. LUCILLE You don't work anyway, this is your first paying job in 10 years. TOBIAS Oh, no, no, this doesn’t pay. It's part of a work release program. Uh, the state of California thinks that I'm a sex offender. Don’t worry about what the state of California thinks. The point is, we have a chance to be honest with ourselves. LUCILLE Fine. You don't look heterosexual in that suit. You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest. TOBIAS Ryan Seacrest is straight. LUCILLE And I'm forty! Sign the form. TOBIAS Well, at least we have a dialogue going. LUCILLE Dialogue? If you don’t release me you've heard the last I'm going to say to you in these sessions. TOBIAS Fine, but you will have to sit here with me for the full session. Every single session. Now, Lucille, I can't make you talk. But do you know what I can do? TOBIAS Hmm? Okay, I can't trick you into talking either. RON This went on for several sessions. TOBIAS Perhaps that's why they call this place Au-stare-ity. No? Au-stare, it-- Fine. Well, if you're not going to talk, I’m just going to write this up. RON Earlier that day, Tobias had encountered-- RON --a plot problem with the Fantastic Four musical. ARGYLE There is one thing we could use. A villain. TOBIAS I was thinking the same thing. I mean, why aren't the Fantastic Four fighting anyone? ARGYLE Instead of just dancing around, you mean. TOBIAS Right, it's like it’s all Sharks and no Jets. ARGYLE Then we would have a second act. EMMETT Lucia, right? I mean, that's their foe, Lucia Von Bardass. Have you guys ever even read one of these things? TOBIAS How much would it cost to do this right? I mean, really right? RON So Tobias was glad for the break in Lucille's session so that he could work on it. TOBIAS This woman is a villain... LUCILLE You think I'm a villain, too? TOBIAS No-- LUCILLE My children are all waiting for me to die so they can divvy up my stuff, my Chinese gang mates were getting ready to noodle-stab me, and even one of the guards called me Gangie, and he was talking about the monster movie. He thinks that horrible monster looks like me. So fine, you want to call me a villain, I accept it! I'm your villain! TOBIAS Uh, actually, I was writing down a casting breakdown for the role of Lucia for my Fantastic Four musical. LUCILLE This was all about your stupid play? I was about to cry for the first time in sixty years. I remember when the last time was, too. I hid under mama's porch during a thunderstorm and I found the remains of my ostri-- TOBIAS It's not a stupid play, it's a musical and I have to debut it on a boat at Cinco. LUCILLE It's on a boat? YOUNG BARRY Take to the sea! TOBIAS Yes, I'll sign everyone signed out for the night, but I guess I'll have to play the old sea-bitch myself. LUCILLE I'm in. TOBIAS Really? Oh, that’s wonderful. Well, I think we have made a breakthrough today. In-- In the musical. Not you. Oh, God, no. There’s miles of work to do with you. RON But of course he would make her audition. RON So Lucille wrote a song from the heart. LUCILLE ? My children despise me My husband defies me It doesn't surprise me! The hell with them all! I'll put up a wall! You think I'm a villain A villain I'll be! My heart is in pain I just want to flee from me. TOBIAS Wonderful! ARGYLE Terrifying. TOBIAS Isn't she? Betty you can leave. Lucille, would you please stay? RON But staying was the last thing Lucille… RON …had in mind. LUCILLE Hello? OSCAR I want to be with you. I-- I have needs. LUCILLE George, is that you? RON It wasn't. RON It was Oscar, who, living as George and feeling more amorous, went to visit Lucille Two for an afternoon delight. OSCAR Guess who? RON When she wasn't there, he found her work number. RECEPTIONIST ONE Austerity. OSCAR Lucille Two, please. RON But of course at Austerity… RON …this woman is Lucille Two. LUCILLE Hello? OSCAR I wanna with you. I-- I have needs. LUCILLE George, is that you? RON But a newly virile Oscar figured in a pinch any Lucille would do. OSCAR Yes, this is George. Where are you? LUCILLE I'm in rehab. You know that. OSCAR Why don't I swing by, and we can conjugate? LUCILLE Let's do our business over the phone. OSCAR May not have a lot of time, but, um, all right, here goes. I wanna pull your panties off with my-- LUCILLE Real business, George. OSCAR I'd very much like to pull your underwear off with my-- My teeth. LUCILLE No. OSCAR If that would be okay. LUCILLE At Cinco. We're getting on a boat. We're leaving the country. OSCAR But what about Love? LUCILLE Easy. Gene Parmesan got photos of Herbert Love with some red-headed whore. I'm giving his wife a taste so he knows we know. If he wins, we should be able to get him to do whatever we want with that wall now. OSCAR I'm not completely following the wall-- LUCILLE Oh. Hold on. RON And that's when Lucille finally had a visit from her son. LUCILLE Hello? RECEPTIONIST TWO Michael Bluth here to see you? LUCILLE Send him up. OSCAR --with my teeth, and, uh-- LUCILLE Michael's here. OSCAR Oh, okay. LUCILLE This is my chance to make sure he doesn’t get too cozy with Gob. OSCAR Why? LUCILLE Bad things happen when brothers collude. OSCAR When can we have sex? LUCILLE After Cinco. OSCAR Cinco? LUCILLE Just get a boat ready, and we'll make our getaway. OSCAR Okay. So not-- Not today. RON And that’s when she saw Michael for the first time since the last time he left the family. MICHAEL Thank you very much. Hello there. Thank you. MICHAEL Wow. This is a step up from prison. LUCILLE How would you know? You haven't come to visit me once. MICHAEL Yeah, sorry. I feel bad about that. LUCILLE So you're here to make "amends"? Because you know your mother will always take you back. MICHAEL And because I know my mother wants me to sign away any connection to the family business. LUCILLE I just need a signature. MICHAEL I’m happy to help. If you do something for me. LUCILLE --for me. Yeah, I heard that’s been happening. I'm happy to help you, honey. MICHAEL Me, too. RON And that's how Michael got his mother's rights to the movie. But not right away. MICHAEL So happy to help. LUCILLE Me, too. LUCILLE So everything else is good? MICHAEL Yeah. LUCILLE You've talked to your sister, the radical? MICHAEL Yeah, she's a red head now and she's dating Herbert Love, but other than her looks and her belief system, she's the same old Lindsay. LUCILLE Ah. So that's Lindsay in the photo. I hear you're dating an actress. Who's also dating Ron Howard? MICHAEL No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She is not dating Ron Howard, Mother. Ron Howard is her father. Okay? Your mind. I did, though, actually find out out who she is dating. RON Michael had found out… RON …earlier that day when he visited her apartment to head off… RON ... any ill feelings she might have about this... MICHAEL A surprise for when she gets home. CHONA It is so big. RON I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again. RON ...or this. TOBIAS You are ruining my life Ron Howard! MICHAEL Nice, right? CHONA Is too big. She likes small. LEM May I please have ice cream? CHONA No, no. You are a Depardieu! No sweets. MICHAEL Getting excited about Cinco? Your Cinco, not ours. RON Michael wasn't proud of what he was about to do. MICHAEL Hey, Lem. I can reach the ice cream. And you know in my family, we play a game called "If you do something for me." MICHAEL Rules are meant to be broken, huh? I will give you this Dove bar if you do something for me. LEM We have Dove bars? MICHAEL We do. Look at that. Tell me what you know about this George Maharis. LEM Not much. He's old. MICHAEL Is he older than me? LEM A few years. He looks like you. MICHAEL So handsome. RON And that's when… RON …Lucille found a way to keep the brothers from colluding. LUCILLE George Maharis? George, that’s your brother's name. George Oscar Bluth. MICHAEL Yes, uh, George is Gob’s first name. Yeah. RON And that's when Michael remembered… RON …something else strange. MICHAEL I probably should have expected that. RON ...and then stranger. MICHAEL “Love each other.” LUCILLE Oh… LUCILLE … that definitely sounds like Gob. LUCILLE And he did say he was seeing someone famous. GOB Sorry. I-- I thought you were somebody else. I can't tell you who, ‘cause I’m-- I’m dating someone famous. RON And Michael remembered hearing about that as well. TOBIAS Me doth think he hath a lady. MICHAEL Oh. TOBIAS And they're both a bit of a celebrities. MICHAEL Well, that is odd, because I'm-- I’m also dating a celebrity. LUCILLE If I were you I'd put a tail on him. Get a PI. MICHAEL Where the hell am I gonna find a PI? GENE PARMESAN Gene Parmesan. GENE PARMESAN At your service. LUCILLE Ah! Gene! He does this to me every time! MICHAEL What's he doing here, Mom? LUCILLE Oh, he's working for me. MICHAEL Why'd you scream, then? LUCILLE I thought he was that guy. MICHAEL Hmm. RON At Lucille's behest Michael borrowed the family PI to follow his brother. GENE PARMESAN He just drove by. Pick me up. MICHAEL This is the great disguise, huh? Fry cook? GENE Oh, no, no. This is my horrible night job. In fact, I was hoping you could drop me off at Chicken Dan's when we're done. MICHAEL Chicken Dan's, huh? That was embarrassing. GENE This from a man who’s driving around a mapping car. You know, I don't even think these things work. That's why I rely on these babies right here. The old binocs. Let's see if we can't find this target. GENE You know, the great thing about these is there’s no software to update-- MICHAEL Oh, God, what are you doing? GENE Sorry. MICHAEL GENE These binoculars make me nauseous. MICHAEL Yeah, well, of course they do. Why don’t you--? Just use the maps. We're… GENE No. MICHAEL …riding in a satellite-linked mapping car! GENE No, no. Sometimes the old ways are the-- You better pull over. MICHAEL All right. GENE Pull over! RON And while Michael was waylaid... ARGYLE And two… RON ...Lucille was working on her tap dancing. TOBIAS ? You look down on Thing But that is ‘cause you haven't heard me sing! ? ARGYLE Two. LUCILLE Excuse… TOBIAS ? When I was a little, bitty bo-- ? LUCILLE Excuse me! RON Correction, her tap dancing... LUCILLE She missed a step. Tell her she missed a step. She can't do it like that. RON ...on people's feelings. TOBIAS Oh, uh, D-- Debrie, you might have missed a step, so-- DEBRIE Sorry. I think that I-- I hurt my leg. TOBIAS Oh. DEBRIE And so I need some Tylenol with c-- Codeine? Or maybe a little morphie morph? TOBIAS No, DeBrie, come on. Don’t you wanna get back on that horse? DEBRIE Even better! RON She was the best villain casting since Shirley MacLaine in Gangie Four. RON And on the night of Cinco, Lucille's escape plans got a step closer to completion. Oscar did indeed borrow a boat and left it idling. RON …which unfortunately was what this man was looking for. RON And Lucille slipped away from the cast looking for her husband. LUCILLE There you are! GEORGE SR What are you doing here? LUCILLE What are you mean what am I doing here? We made plans! To escape on the boat! GEORGE SR I never made plans with you. LUCILLE We talked about it on the phone when you were trying to talk dirty to me. GEORGE SR Oh, oh. LUCILLE What is wrong with you? GEORGE SR This is-- This is embarrassing. Full disclosure. Uh, that was Oscar who may have been the one you were talking with. He's been filling in for me occasionally. LUCILLE Filling in, as in visiting me? You sent your brother to have sex with me? GEORGE SR No, I sent him to listen to you one time. And then he found out about the wall and tried to get you talking about it, and this was his way of shutting you up. LUCILLE He told you this? GEORGE SR No, you told me when I visited. I got in there a couple of times, too. But not for sex. I just don't have the tiger in my tank anymore. Maybe I do need a vacay. So tell me about this trip. That's interesting. Where are we going? LUCILLE I'll tell you where we're going. We're going to court. We're getting a real divorce. You're out of the marriage. GEORGE SR Lucille? RON And that's when she came face to face with the man whose face she'd just faced, but it was a different fa-- OSCAR Hey. Hey, hey. Are you ready? LUCILLE Hello Oscar. RON It was Oscar. LUCILLE You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law. OSCAR I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You-- You got me. I was gonna-- I was gonna tell you. I was acting when I pretended to be George, but I am dead serious when I say you are the hottest woman I know. I'm here tonight because I want to run away with you. LUCILLE Oscar, really? OSCAR Of course. What, do you think I'm here for the donkey punch? Which I do love, and it’s the only night you can get it. But you are the only woman for me, Lucille. LUCILLE Bring me those thin, pot-stained lips. OSCAR Oh, honey. LUCILLE What's this? OSCAR I have no idea. RON And that's when she found the latest thing that was hers that had been claimed. RON He'd actually acquired it earlier that night, when he was polling for Lucille… RON …Two. OSCAR I, um-- LUCILLE She's claimed you. Everyone I know wants to take everything away from me. OSCAR No! That’s not true. I love you. I don't know if it's the maca, I've just been so randy lately, but you're-- You-- You're my kind of Lucille. LUCILLE Get away from me, you liar. I can't believe you were with her. She's finished. And the Oscar goes, too! OSCAR To... LUCILLE Get out of my sight! RON She was in an emotional storm and could have used a therapist. LUCILLE Oh, my God. TOBIAS Lucille! Where are you going? RON …when she ran into a therapist who could have used a Storm. LUCILLE To disappear! That's what everyone wants me to do. TOBIAS Lucille, you are not the villain. LUCILLE I'm so tired of being the villain. TOBIAS Well, those days are over. What you are is the invisible girl. You make it impossible for people to see you in order to protect yourself. RON And somehow in that moment, something changed for her. LUCILLE I do do that. TOBIAS And in this way you launch sneak attacks and you create a force fields to keep people away. LUCILLE Right. I'm not a villain, I'm the invisible girl! TOBIAS Yes. That's what I'm saying. LUCILLE Oh. You know, it's funny. I never would have come to this if it hadn't been for Lucille Two's rehab. I need to pay her back for everything she’s done to me. I'm going back to rehab. I just have to make one quick stop first. SINGER ? I don’t want to be invisible Invisible, invisible, ooh yeah ? TOBIAS I don’t think we have time. Do you want to change into the wig, or--? Are you--? RON And that's the night that Lucille decided she didn't wanna be invisible anymore. TOBIAS I’ve got to do this. RON And perhaps ironically it was also the night that Lucille Two became the invisible girl. RON On the next Arrested Development... RON Tobias boards the boat originally meant for Lucille's escape. RON And after making one stop faces the awful truth. MARKY They're going to be talking about this bomb for years. TOBIAS God, it is bad, isn't it? Lindsay was right to discourage me. MARKY Tobias? TOBIAS Marky? MARKY If you're not Lindsay, then where is Lindsay? TOBIAS Isn't that her on the Love boat. MARKY But I just put a bomb on the Love boat! TOBIAS What? MARKY Lindsay! TOBIAS Lindsay! MARKY Lindsay! TOBIAS Lindsay! MARKY Lindsay, there’s a bomb! LOVE SUPPORTER Put up this wall! Whoo! RON Lindsay remembers she's on a boat that Marky had intended to bomb. TOBIAS A bomb! A bomb! A bomb! MARKY You’ve gotta get off the boat! Go on! Get over the side-- RON And it turns out to be kind of romantic... PARTYER Woo hoo! RON ...that Lindsay and Tobias had matching suitcases. LOVE SUPPORTERS Put up the wall! Put up--