ADDICT AIRPLANE_PASSENGER_1 AIRPLANE_PASSENGER_2 ANGRY_DRIVER ANIMESH BARRY BITEME BUS_PASSENGER BUS_PASSENGERS CLINIC_SUPERVISOR CLINIC_VOLUNTEER COAST_GUARD DEBRIE DRIVER FEMALE_CONCIERGE GOB GOT GOVENNAH JAIDEEP JAMES JOAN JOHN_BEARD JUDGE_KORN LINDSAY LORETTA LUCILLE MAEBY MALE_CONCIERGE MAN MARKY MICHAEL RON SHAMAN SIGNS SINGERS SINGER_ONE SINGER_TWO SKATEBOARDER TOBIAS VEEJAY YOUNG_BUSTER YOUNG_LUCILLE RON On the top… RON …of a hillside, deep in the mountains of Shuturmurg, India… RON …sits a mystical retreat long sought-out by those seeking answers… LINDSAY Is this real? RON …to the questions that define us. LINDSAY I mean, is any of this real? How do I know what’s real? RON This is Lindsay Bluth-Fünke. ANIMESH You see me before you, yes? I am real to you. And this bag next to me, it is as real as you or me. LINDSAY I know. I know that one’s real. I meant the other one. The Louis Vuitton. I don’t remember ‘Vuitton’ having two ‘e’s. RON The hillside was also known for their bargains on designer handbags. ANIMESH Oh, no, no. Look. That’s how they do it here. You can’t go wrong. Best bag on the mountain. VEEJAY I love this bag. I give you sixty for it. It’s the best bag on the mountain. LINDSAY Uh, excuse me. ANIMESH I just promised it to her. LINDSAY I’ll give you seventy dollars. RON Lindsay Bluth had come to India for both reasons. ANIMESH Seventy dollars. VEEJAY Ninety one English American dollars. LINDSAY Uh, I’ll-- A hundred and twenty. ANIMESH You just bought the best bag on the mountain. Congratulations! VEEJAY Best bag on the mountain. LINDSAY RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one daughter who had no choice but to keep her life together. It's Lindsay’s Arrested Development. RON Lindsay was on a spiritual journey to let go of all possessions, and to find something cute to keep her stuff in. LINDSAY This is gorgeous. RON Months earlier, Lindsay had lost her bearings… RON …after finding out she wasn’t born to the family she couldn’t bear. LINDSAY I’m adopted? RON So after getting… LINDSAY I’m not a Bluth! RON …briefly creepy with her brother-- MICHAEL I’m just not that into older women. RON Don’t worry about it. LINDSAY Bastard! MICHAEL RON She… RON …shared some resentments with her family at the boat party. GOB Kitty likes to scratch. GOB Oh, good--! Mom! RON But before she could disassociate herself from the Bluth name… LINDSAY Because now I know that we’re not related. LINDSAY …I’m gonna marry Michael. LUCILLE Oh, my God. It’s the… LUCILLE …SEC. RON ...the Bluth name would become… JOHN BEARD ...but for now, the Bluth family is as… JOHN BEARD ...sullied as Newport Bay on the fifth of May. LUCILLE They are persecuting me. It was an accident. This is ridiculous! JOHN BEARD And finally, the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies last tonight drew one of the highest ratings of all time. I wouldn’t wanna be their competition. LUCILLE If I told them we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they’d have thrown me a parade. Let’s tell them we were taking a bunch of gays to get married. LINDSAY Yeah, I don’t think your record on that issue’s gonna back that up, Mom. RON In fact, it was an issue of… RON …the Bay Window magazine that would most damage her with the gay community. LUCILLE Fine. We’ll say they took it on a joy ride. LUCILLE And you have no right to criticize me. At least I was able to turn my queen around. TOBIAS None taken. RON This is Tobias Fünke.. RON …who should have taken more. TOBIAS Oh. LINDSAY You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you? LUCILLE Adopted daughter. And that’s not true. COAST GUARD Can I have the Bluth family over here, please? COAST GUARD And over here, the victims of the Bluth family? RON And that’s when Lindsay found a label more fitting than Bluth. TOBIAS Oh, Lindsay, you’re going to the wrong area. Kenny, Chet, Curtis, Mike, Bix and Gator are over here. We should be over here at the Bluth area with Gob and Buster and, uh- uh- Uh, your brother. Uh- LINDSAY Michael? TOBIAS Michael. Yes. Sorry, I was thinking of Mike the hot seaman. Where is Michael? GOB I got the big yes! LINDSAY It doesn’t matter. He’s not my brother. This isn’t my family. You know, I have spent years- GOB Mr. Yes Man! Yes. Got my yes. I got that big yes. LINDSAY I’ve spent years trying to fit into this family and it’s not me. My life is a fallacy. TOBIAS Oh… ? Is that a gal I see? No, it’s just a phallus. Eee! ? We loved that. Where is that from? RON It’s from nothing, but it made her realize this, too. LINDSAY I don’t know if there’s a right time to say this, but this marriage of ours, it hasn’t been working. Yeah, I- There’s nothing keeping us together. MAEBY TOBIAS But I believe we’re thinking the same thing. MAN Oh, God! LINDSAY We should end it. TOBIAS Let’s give it another shot. To the head. Kill it. Yes. RON Lindsay was looking for inspiration before she set out on her new… RON …path, and… RON …it only took until the ‘pray’ section of Eat, Pray, Love for her to find it. LINDSAY Hmm. RON Soon she was beginning a journey… RON …to reinvent herself. LINDSAY I’m doing it again. I have to let go of these material things. RON To leave the trappings of her old life and try to live with less. LINDSAY Ah. There. RON Her… RON …immersion into Indian culture began even before reaching the airport. LINDSAY And, uh- And so this daily prayer, it connects one to the whole. DRIVER Yes. The whole of humanity. Yes. Look at this guy! Huh? LINDSAY Stay in your lane, Anus Tart. DRIVER You ****ng Anus Tart. LINDSAY God. DRIVER You know, you sense the oneness in all. LINDSAY And they have normal toilets, right? RON And after an hour… RON …or so with Skymall where she was proud of herself for only buying two things a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat, and an inflatable hat box, in case she ever got a hat… RON …she got to a great article in the In Flight magazine, and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance. RON I mean, not right away. LINDSAY What is she doing back there? AIRPLANE PASSENGER 1 RON That passenger had been pushing on her seat for, like, four hours. Lindsay’s… RON …journey to let go of her baggage got off to a bad start at baggage claim when she picked up the wrong baggage. RON And her Western notions of the value of life were challenged on the bus ride to the hotel. TOBIAS LINDSAY Oh, my God. Did-? Did we just hit something? Shouldn’t we stop? BUS PASSENGER No, it wasn’t a cow. It was just a tourist. BUS PASSENGERS RON And that’s how Lindsay’s path to living with less… LINDSAY Wait. This isn’t mine. How am I supposed to find out who I really am dressed like this chick? RON …took a brief detour into… RON …a shopping spree at India’s… LINDSAY It’s cute on me. RON …famous mall mountain. LINDSAY But I thought it was supposed to say “Kate.” JAIDEEP Oh, no. Anything under a small is considered a “David Spade.” ANIMESH I love this jacket. I’ll give you sixty for it. Best coat on the mountain. LINDSAY Sixty five. I’ll give- ANIMESH Seventy. JAIDEEP Seventy-five. ANIMESH It would look great on my wife or my sickly son. LINDSAY A hundred bucks. JAIDEEP A hundred dollars, yes. LINDSAY Yes! JAIDEEP That is the best jacket on the mountain for a hundred dollars. RON And soon she was back… RON …at the hotel and ready for her spiritual experience. LINDSAY Yeah, hi. Uh, were you able to book my three o’clock shaman? MALE CONCIERGE Oh, yes. Did you want the deep wisdom or just a light ego-cleanse? We do those by the pool. LINDSAY There’s a pool? FEMALE CONCIERGE It’s hard to tell because there are so many people in it, but yes, it is a pool. LINDSAY Oh, yeah. By the pool, then. And, uh, do you think you can get someone to remove the smell of lamb from my room? MALE CONCIERGE Of course. And which animal smell would you prefer? FEMALE CONCIERGE Which do you prefer? RON But at her three pm… RON …shaman… SHAMAN You are living a life without love. RON …Lindsay got a deeper treatment than she had hoped for. LINDSAY How do I learn to be happy? You know? To love? SHAMAN When love is near your heart, you’ll be happy. You must live life truthfully. LINDSAY Yeah. No, I- I- I do live truthfully, but, uh, I shouldn’t- I’m just so full of passion. SHAMAN You are so full of s***. LINDSAY Yeah. Yeah. Although in my culture, full of ***t is kind of like a dig. You’d never say it to a customer, but, uh, yeah, no, I- I know what you mean. SHAMAN This bag is as fake as you are. LINDSAY Well, how do I learn? SHAMAN Just look at the spelling. LINDSAY God. No, I- SHAMAN Pull your head out of the sand. Love is where you left it. LINDSAY You mean back home? God, the only person back home is Tobias? SHAMAN You have no children? RON Lindsay thought she was being hit on. LINDSAY No. Why do you ask? Uh, wait a minute. You’re saying I’ve come halfway round the world to find out I need to go back home? God, I haven’t even gone to the beach yet. RON She had. It was just too crowded to see the water. RON It was a moving experience, but after leaving the tent, it wasn’t just the shaman’s words that got through to her. LINDSAY Excuse me, I’d like to talk to you about my shaman appointment. Specifically, what is your policy on damaged-? RON It was this. MALE CONCIERGE I’m sorry. Your Amex was declined. Your account is maxed out. We had to cancel your shaman appointment. LINDSAY No, no. I just talked to the shaman, just right back at- MALE CONCIERGE Get out, get out, go away, get out, get out, get out! I’m sorry to yell at you, but as I said, it was declined. So get out. RON But fortunately, the universe offered a solution to her financial problem that wasn’t… RON …too far off from what her shaman had said. LUCILLE Oh, I’ve got money for you, sweetie, but it means my loving daughter smiling next to her husband sitting behind me at the trial. LINDSAY Would you take a grimace? RON So it was with this dual intention that she reached to a husband she’d left behind, with a new sense of inner peace. AIRPLANE PASSENGER 2 RON Of course, there was still some outer stuff she needed to work through. TOBIAS Hi, it’s Tobias. I’m off to a new start. Leave a mess- LINDSAY I’m ready to make this work. RON It was with a sense of enlightenment… RON …that Lindsay returned from her spiritual journey. MICHAEL --and of course, Lindsay returned from her spiritual journey to get her hands on this stimulus money, too, right? Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you’re out of ideas. Seriously, shoot me if you ever catch me doing that. LINDSAY Says the least spiritual man I know. MICHAEL What deal did you strike with her? What part of her soul did you buy? LUCILLE All I’ve asked is that she testify that I was a wonderful mother who did her best. MICHAEL So all of it. LINDSAY No, Michael, I’m not a whore. I don’t get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing. But I’m not here just for the stimmy. I’m here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it. Which, after much soul-searching, and by process of elimination, is Tobias. TOBIAS I got the part. RON And so Lindsay and Tobias… RON …took another shot at being husband and wife. And although they wouldn’t have money… JAMES It is so great to see you again. RON …until after the perjury, they set about buying a home. JAMES Are you ready to make a move? TOBIAS As you can see, I’m ready for a lot that’s new. JAMES Oh, good heavens. Right. Well, this is a great area. There’s some wonderful surgi-centers nearby. LINDSAY We’re doing it. We’re really doing this. JAMES Yes. We’re gonna get you in the right house. It’s just the two of you? You have no children? LINDSAY We don’t. TOBIAS We should be honest here. We have no income flow. No incoming income flow. We have plenty of outgoing income. LINDSAY No savings, no credit. LINDSAY I mean, we had some stimmy, but that went to his hospital bills, but there’s one thing we do have. JAMES Work ethic. LINDSAY Right. No work ethic, but there is one thing we do have. We do have a daughter. I was just on autopilot before when I said we didn’t. TOBIAS Yes, no, I- I should have caught that, yeah. MAEBY I could’ve spoken up, but I just wanted to see if you guys got there. JAMES Well, you guys seem like a great family. We have to be realistic. I’m in the real estate business, it’s 2006, that’s all good enough for me. We’ll gonna put you in a ninja loan. No income, no jobs, no assets, and you don’t have to pay a penny for two years. TOBIAS Oh, ninja please. So we’ll take something cozy and intimate. A- A one bedroom. LINDSAY Or bigger. JAMES Yeah, how about something nice? A three-bedroom? LINDSAY Three does sound bigger. TOBIAS Oh, it definitely is. RON You have to remember that this was a time when banks were eager to create as much debt as possible. TOBIAS The five-bedroom, four-car garage. JAMES And I know that you guys are gonna be okay with just one master bathroom, because a lot of people do prefer two. You know, they like to just have it. LINDSAY Maybe separate, so we have it. TOBIAS So we have it. That way we have it. JAMES That way you have it! TOBIAS Do you think we really need one? JAMES I’m- I’m just gonna interrupt for a second. You don’t need a wine cellar if you wanna do wine tastings in your butler’s kitchen. LINDSAY I mean, this really isn’t what we discussed. TOBIAS Well, we didn’t discuss any of this, but, uh, yes, uh, I guess that way we- we have it. LINDSAY Oh. Yeah. JAMES That way you’ll definitely have it. JAMES And then once you have it, that way you’ll have it. TOBIAS But do we… TOBIAS …need a gatehouse? JAMES I just put John Beard into a house with a double gatehouse. Now that’s John Beard. He’s on television. No one’s gonna look down on you just ‘cause you have less than John Beard. TOBIAS Is this crazy? LINDSAY I think so. We’ll take the double gatehouse. TOBIAS Oh, is that what you thought? LINDSAY Well, that way we’ll have it. TOBIAS We have it, we have it. JAMES And that way you have it. RON There was a lot of this going on back then. TOBIAS This way we have it. RON And soon they were starting their new life… JAMES That way you have it! Good point. RON …in their new, beautiful… RON …home. LINDSAY Mother’s Day Eve… LINDSAY …was the most joyous day of the year. Maeby, you’re gonna be late for school. RON And what they lost in coziness… LINDSAY God, they grow up so slowly. RON …they made up for in cavernous… LINDSAY And the robot’s dead again. TOBIAS RON …unfurnished space. TOBIAS Poor little guy. Ran outta juice before he could reach his-- RON With her mother’s trial coming up, Lindsay made an effort to work on her testimony. LINDSAY My mother, she is caring. When I was cold, she clothed me, when I was hungry, I- LUCILLE Go on. LINDSAY You don’t want me to say this next part, do you? LUCILLE I think it tells the story. LINDSAY But am I accidentally being funny or am I purposely being funny? LUCILLE It’s not supposed to be funny. LINDSAY “Suckled at her champagne-glass breasts” isn’t a joke? LUCILLE Buster wrote it. LINDSAY Recently? LUCILLE I adapted it from a letter he wrote from camp. YOUNG BUSTER I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times. When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry- Uh, how do I say this? YOUNG LUCILLE Suckled at your champagne glass breasts. YOUNG BUSTER Oh, that’s good. YOUNG LUCILLE It doesn’t matter. I’ll be proofing it anyway. LINDSAY Oh, God. LINDSAY This is from Camp Kiss-A-MeMommy? LUCILLE Just read the copy. You’re getting paid for this. LINDSAY No. You know what? The money is not important to me. My shaman said- LUCILLE Oh, don’t give me that mystical nonsense. You think you’re better than I am, but you’re a lot more like me than you think you are. Now let’s take it from “I hope she gives me bubble baths forever.” And I wanna smell the suds. RON But worse news was around the corner. JOHN BEARD The collapse of the California housing market is taking a personal toll with… LINDSAY Uh-oh. JOHN BEARD …layoffs here at the station. In addition, I’m leaving the …keys to my ten-thousand square foot home in Harbor Shallows here on the desk for Countrywide to collect. TOBIAS It probably shouldn’t affect our area. He’s over by where the fountain is. JOHN BEARD And might I say to them good luck getting that f*** raccoon smell out of the gatehouse, because I never could. LINDSAY But you and I are okay, right? I mean, this works, right? TOBIAS Never better. RON And the week of Lucille’s trial, they got some even worse news. TOBIAS What’s this? Mother’s not going to pay? LINDSAY She actually said she’d only pay me if my testimony is believable. That- TOBIAS Lindsay! LINDSAY How am I supposed to say something like… TOBIAS Lindsay! LINDSAY “…I love you, Mother,” and sound believable? TOBIAS Well, Jes- Jesus C. Penny, you know, I wish I had the luxury of not sounding believable, but that’s not an option for an out-of-work actor, is it? LINDSAY Or it’s why you’re out of work. TOBIAS Well, I beg one’s pardon, but I have been dying to go to that Method acting clinic that I see on my nightly drives, but you won’t let me. LINDSAY Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weather’s master acting class. TOBIAS Well, I’m sorry, but I’m such a starf***er that I didn’t pay attention to anything he said. LINDSAY Oh, well, then maybe I should go to your Method acting class to make my testimony more believable. TOBIAS That’s actually a good idea. Maybe you could- TOBIAS Oh. I- Yes. Well, perhaps we should go together. LINDSAY Yeah. Might be good for us as a couple. TOBIAS I do hope so. I really wanna make this work. LINDSAY Me too. I really love you, Tobias. TOBIAS Oh, Lindsay. We have got to get you to that acting clinic. LINDSAY And that was with me picturing fudge. TOBIAS Fudge. RON To bond with her husband and prepare for her testimony, Lindsay... RON …had decided to attend an acting class with Tobias. TOBIAS So exciting. LINDSAY Yes, it is. This is the first time I’ve actually done something like this with you. I think I always kinda looked down on it. TOBIAS You know, Lindsay, I think you’ll find that some of what used to seem clueless about me is actually something I’m quite good at. This is where I belong. CLINIC SUPERVISOR If you’re new here, you need to go to the window. Uh, fill out this form first, and there’s some personal questions on it like, uh, how you first got hooked. TOBIAS Well, that’s an easy one. You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. N- Uh, no. Mame. No, Ma’am? You’re a Good Ma’am- You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. CLINIC VOLUNTEER Would you like to start? Come up here and be as truthful as possible. DEBRIE Okay, this is f***ing overwhelming. TOBIAS Oh! They’re starting the monologues. I think this is from Songs For My Father. DEBRIE …like, sleep for three hours and, um, like, this s*** is f****d up. LINDSAY What did you say the name of this acting class was again? TOBIAS Method One Clinic. LINDSAY Okay. I’m gonna go get coffee. TOBIAS Garden Grove Method One Clinic. RON And… RON …moments later, as Lindsay once again found herself questioning her husband’s choices, one of… RON …hers was questioned. MARKY That’s not free trade, and if it’s not free trade, it’s piss. I wouldn’t. SIGNS GOT QAT? LINDSAY You don’t look like a junkie. MARKY You do. What do you weigh, like ninety pounds? LINDSAY That is so funny. Um, God, um, thank you, but- but no. If I’m addicted to anything, it’s alcohol. I’m Lindsay, and you’re-? Oh, “Biteme”? SIGNS BITEME MARKY No. I don’t like giving my name to any state organization, especially after I got kicked off the voter rolls, ‘cause I accidentally signed up for the wrong political group. LINDSAY What group was that? MARKY You know, I don’t even remember. Just some guy in a booth on the boardwalk. RON He joined Al Qaeda. MARKY And I only signed up ‘cause he was givin’… MARKY …away a free beard brush. RON That says “Al… RON …Qaeda” on it, but maybe he thought it was the… RON …designer of the brush. MARKY I’m Marky Bark. LINDSAY Of the tree freer Barks? RON Marky was the son of Johnny Bark… RON …an activist that Lindsay had once helped save and then kill a tree. LINDSAY Oh, God. I remember him. I remember… LINDSAY …thinking one day he was just gonna fall out of a tree and break his neck. Whatever happened to him? MARKY He fell out of a tree and broke his neck. LINDSAY Oh, God. MARKY No, I’m just kidding. LINDSAY Oh. So how is he? MARKY Oh, he’s dead. But natural causes. Bunch of deranged bees chased him out of a tree and he fell to his death. LINDSAY So are you here alone or-? MARKY No, I’m with her. She’s a committee member. LINDSAY Which committee is that? MARKY Itty bitty t***y. LINDSAY What a wonderful sense of humor. MARKY Listen, the only time Debrie can keep food down is for about twenty minutes after she comes crashing off the methadone, so… LINDSAY Oh. MARKY …would you care to join us as we rustle up some grub to shove down our mouths? LINDSAY I would like that very much. MARKY Okay. RON So Tobias and Lindsay drove to meet their new friends for lunch. LINDSAY They are such… LINDSAY …a neat couple. TOBIAS Are they neat? It’s so fun to have another couple to go out with. LINDSAY He’s amazing. I mean, so passionate about real issues. He’s a real activist, like me. TOBIAS And she’s a real actress, like me. Oh, she used to be in big movies, but then, like a lot of actors, the teeth go. LINDSAY Mm. TOBIAS But she is the perfect age to be a Hollywood actress. Forty-two. LINDSAY Is that all? Oh, I think this is the place. It’s a barter restaurant. Marky doesn’t believe in money. TOBIAS Do I like barter? LINDSAY No, it means they don’t deal with money. That’s why I swiped that methadone tray. TOBIAS Hm. What interesting friends we made! LINDSAY I think this is exactly what our marriage needed. TOBIAS Ah. RON Lindsay and Tobias gathered with their new friends… LORETTA Hi, y’all. This your first time at C.W. Swappigans? RON …at C.W. Swappigans, a chain that sprung up after the economic collapse. LORETTA Well, we are like a Salvation Army meets a soup kitchen meets a gastro pub meets a Marxist or Leninist-type social structure. These are things that you can order, and these are things that we will accept. As you see on the bottom, we don’t have the fish, and we’re not taking any more lava lamps. Uh-oh. I can see this one’s got that deer-in-the-headlights look. LINDSAY Oh, no, he just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray. Oh, speaking of that, how about mozzarella sticks for the table? LORETTA Cocktail tray, light scratching, for mozzarella sticks. GOVENNAH Six, no sauce. MARKY And maybe some sparkling water for the table. LORETTA Oh, I’m sorry, sir. We’re no longer taking hotel soaps. LINDSAY This is fun. MARKY A lot of people couldn’t handle a dumpster dive for their first double date. LINDSAY Is that what this is? LORETTA Tennis racket, good strings, for the hot plate. GOVENNAH Twelve chicken wings. TOBIAS Wait a second. I wasn’t driving? LINDSAY It’s just so refreshing to meet people with real passion about changing the status quo. TOBIAS Lindsay and I don’t have a single friend. LORETTA Bath mat… DEBRIE Is the food here yet? LORETTA …for French onion soup. DEBRIE I’m not hungry, but- but, uh… GOVENNAH No cheese! DEBRIE Oh, look. It’s butter! MARKY Debrie. DEBRIE Whoo! Oh, num num num num num num num. MARKY Debrie, that’s our butter. We were gonna swap it for dessert. TOBIAS No, she’s improvising. Uh, yes, ma’am, you seem to be liking that butter substitute at Swappigans. DEBRIE Mm, num, num, num, num. TOBIAS Uh, yes and, wh-? What could you else-? Could you swap for-? Uh, uh, yes and uh, uh- Oh, I’m out. She’s too good. I- I- I don’t know who my guy is. I don’t- I don’t have a guy. LORETTA Personally signed copy of the chili fries. GOVENNAH Blue cheese or ranch, doesn’t matter. MARKY No, she just likes butter. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Don’t touch anything. TOBIAS Marky, I’ll take her. Y- You two just got here, have a chatabout. I’ll clean her up. MARKY TOBIAS Come on. DEBRIE Um, num, num, num, num. MARKY I’m sorry. LINDSAY Don’t be. I- I love it here. My mother would hate this place. MARKY You know, Lindsay, I have to tell you, when I first met you, I thought you were one of those typical uptight snobby Newport Beach vapid- Nutbusters! You know, one of those monsters that lives in a ten thousand square foot house that they destroyed the wetlands for. GOVENNAH Veal frittata. No rice. LINDSAY Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle. MAEBY What do you mean you didn’t make dinner? LINDSAY I didn’t realize it was Thursday, okay? There’s gotta be something here. LINDSAY Oh! TOBIAS Oh! Oh! Oh! Get it! Get it! LINDSAY Chase it into the oven! LINDSAY Here, duck. Come on. Be a good duckie. TOBIAS That’s a good duck. LINDSAY Okay. Good duck. TOBIAS In you go! This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever! LINDSAY It’s a miracle. Well, I… LINDSAY …actually do live in a fairly large house right now, but we’ve never made a payment on it. MARKY So you’re sticking it to big banking. That’s cool. LINDSAY Yes. In fact, I’m only in America because a shaman told me that love would come to me when I accepted who I am and didn’t run away. MARKY Sounds like a good shaman. LINDSAY Oh, he was the house shaman at the Four Seasons Mumbai, so you figure he’s gotta be pretty good. Oh, and turned into an ostrich at the end. So they’re not gonna have that at the Embassy suites. MARKY That’s funny. I actually run an ostrich farm. SINGER ONE ? Coincidence. ? LINDSAY That’s not a coincidence. SINGER TWO ? Yes, it is. ? GOVENNAH Mini-pizzas, no pepperoni. LINDSAY Marky, I gotta tell you, talking about these social issues, it’s the first time I’ve felt like myself in a really long time. MARKY That’s because I say what I mean, I do what I feel. No lies. RON Lindsay felt guilty because she was about to go into a crab-house/courtroom and do just that. MARKY That's why my motto is "live truthfully, and skate through life." RON Marky felt guilty because it wasn't his motto. It was the motto of a surf and… RON …skateboard company. SKATEBOARDER Live truthfully. Skate through life. LINDSAY That’s… LINDSAY …amazing. MARKY I haven’t felt this deep a connection with someone in a long, long time. Other than Debrie. LINDSAY I can’t believe we just did that. MARKY I can’t believe how little give your teeth have. LINDSAY So where do you keep your ostriches? LORETTA Sheraton mini-soap for taco salad? GOVENNAH We don’t take hotel soap. RON And perhaps it was to get back at her mother… MARKY Leave a tip! Leave a tip! RON …or to get out of a relationship that had been over for a long time, but that's when Lindsay hopped off… RON …to pursue a life she felt was her destiny, and the new lovers discovered each other the beautiful female body, the horrible male. SINGERS Oh, love takes its time. LINDSAY Wow, that was so fast. MARKY Thanks. Well, I didn’t know how long we’d be stuck in traffic, so… Oh, and it sounds like it’s moving. ANGRY DRIVER Move it! ANGRY DRIVER Come on, come on, let’s go! MARKY Careful! RON And as they drove they learned so much about each other. MARKY I was always just in such a rush to grow up and change this world. Foolishly, the teeth I pulled were my adult teeth. So this guy all the way to that guy back there that’s a- just a piece of wood I stick in there. I mean, they’re just chewing tools. I don’t care about looks. LINDSAY But you find me pretty though, right? MARKY No. I have no idea what you look like. I have this condition called face blindness. I mean, I can tell you’re a woman. LINDSAY Oh, stop. MARKY But honestly, no, all I see is, like, eyes and nose, you know, hair, I- ears and- But I can tell you got a great heart, Lindsay. I can tell you’ve been living a lie. You and I are gonna change this world together. Whoo! LINDSAY You know, my shaman told me that I should stop caring about appearances. You know my life that’s all anyone has ever praised. All my mom ever cared about. Because I’m really pretty. Just thought I’d tell you that so the story made sense. MARKY I don’t care if you are. LINDSAY But I guess it’s kinda karma that I ended up with someone who wanted to make love to me no matter what I look like. MARKY Also wanted to make sure you weren’t a dude. I can tell with voices usually, but some guys, they’ll- they’ll fool ya. That’s what they wanna do. Hey, are you smiling at me? RON Lindsay decided it was only fair to let her… RON …husband know their new start had reached a new end. LINDSAY I left. I guess you noticed. Um, but I’m sorry. I really do care about you, Tobias, but we’re trying to save something that just couldn’t be saved. LINDSAY And I have to follow my shaman’s advice. I- I have to be true to myself for once. And Marky, he sees me for who I really am. He respects me- MARKY Come on, lady! You wanna wrap this up? My lady needs to call her loser ex. LINDSAY Marky, it’s me. It’s Lindsay. MARKY Oh. I thought you were taking a dump. I must have scared the **** off that lady in the bathroom when I threw the door open and told her I loved her. LINDSAY He loves me? MARKY Sorry, false alarm! I don’t love you! LINDSAY Uh, I gotta go. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby? MARKY She’s good, she’s fine! RON And soon the lovers arrived and discovered the joys of their new desert home, dancing and making love all night. LINDSAY Now that time… was also very quick. MARKY And now we free the night up to dance again. Come on! LINDSAY Oh. Sure. RON And the next day… RON …Lindsay awoke to discover the destiny foretold to her in India in drab colors before her. JOAN Get away from her! Don’t mess with her! She’s none of your business. LINDSAY Oh. Oh, thank you. JOAN I said get away from her, you slut. You’re scaring the bird. MARKY No, no! Mom! Mom, she’s with us. She lives with us now. And, Mom, she tells me she’s pretty. LINDSAY I have the worst f***** shaman. RON On the next Arrested Development... BARRY The defense calls to the oyster bar thing where they sit, the adopted daughter Lindsay Bluth. RON Another chair is empty at Lucille’s trial. BARRY Lindsay? JUDGE KORN Mister Zuckerkorn, shrimp shooter night starts in fifteen minutes. Is your witness going to appear? BARRY A pier? Oh, I thought the one on the pier was a Bubba Gumps. RON And in an effort to be less glamorous, Lindsay cuts her hair, only to discover, much to her frustration… LINDSAY Great. Even cuter. RON And Tobias… RON …becomes addicted… ADDICT I’m an addict. RON …to his new profession. ADDICT And I’m starving. TOBIAS Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? I could give you some butter, and, uh, you can pay for it with a shoe. Um, I’m sorry, but, uh, his guy’s not giving my guy anything, uh, to react to. Uh, could-? Could I get some more of that, uh, acting juice?