ACOLYTE_1 ACOLYTE_2 BARRY BUSTER CHINA_GARDEN CROWD DR DR_NORMAN GEORGE_SENIOR GOB GOOGLE_MAPS GUESTS_WORKERS_ACOLYTES HERBERT_LOVE LINDSAY LUCILLE LUCILLE_TWO MICHAEL OSCAR OSCAR_CHINA_GARDEN OSTRICH_MAN REBEL RON SIGNS SMEE SURVEYOR_1 SURVEYOR_2 VOICES WAITER RON George Senior had come to… RON …a political fundraiser to get support for a… RON …wall project. LUCILLE To separate the U.S. and Mexico… RON …that some considered insensitive. LUCILLE My idea! GEORGE SENIOR It was your idea. RON …even though he himself… GEORGE SENIOR Oh. Tender. RON …was feeling more sensitive by the day. GEORGE SENIOR Curious feeling. RON …but he tried to muster the old self-confidence for his face time with Herbert Love. GEORGE SENIOR And I- I just think there’ll be a lot of support flowing in this relationship, and your base, I mean- HERBERT LOVE You got a point behind all those teeth of yours? GEORGE SENIOR If you support the wall, I’ll give you a piece of the action. HERBERT LOVE Action? GEORGE SENIOR Yeah. HERBERT LOVE Action Jackson? GEORGE SENIOR Yes, sir. HERBERT LOVE What do I look like, Carl Weathers to you? GEORGE SENIOR Oh no. RON Not at all. HERBERT LOVE Do not think so. RON This… RON …of course, is Herbert Love. HERBERT LOVE My name is Herbert Love, and I want you to say ‘hi-low’ to my low-hi plan. RON A candidate whose campaign was embraced by everyone from the very wealthy… HERBERT LOVE The low is for low taxes. And who doesn't want low taxes for high income? And who doesn’t want a high income? RON …to their bankers and tax attorneys. HERBERT LOVE High low, high low, it’s off to work I go. For you. My name is Herbert Love and I most definitely approve this message. HERBERT LOVE Do I look like someone who eats at C.W. Swappigans? See, I stand for three things. One gettin’ Barack Hussein Obama-wamma-comma-mama-on-a-llama outta office. GEORGE SENIOR It’s a crazytown name. HERBERT LOVE Two low taxes for high income earners. That’s my low-high plan. GEORGE SENIOR I know it. HERBERT LOVE And three gettin’ a little something in my slushie fund so that I’m nice and loose and can help make numbers one and two happen. I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but I happen to be fond of redheads and greenbacks. RON George Senior had neither. GEORGE SENIOR I- I- How would you like both? HERBERT LOVE Get it for me tonight and I’ll make your wall thing the third point of my three point plan. All I got right now is “You wanna reach yourhand into my pocket to pay for your birth control? I get to put my hand in your pocket to put it in.” Uh, but when I unveiled it in Garden Grove, I had duck a woman’s pump and a mini pizza. Oops. RON Coming up with money, however, would be difficult for George Senior, who hadn’t been acting like his old self… RON …something his twin brother Oscar had done much more successfully earlier that day, when in retribution to a brother who lied to him… OSCAR You know, the wall? LUCILLE Have you baked your brain in that pizza oven? OSCAR Aha. So we only did buy that land for personal gain. Well, Oscar… LUCILLE Oscar. RON …Oscar chose to lie with George’s wife. OSCAR Call me Father B. RON And although too explicit for an American audience, the lovemaking was intense and beautiful, but for one small misunderstanding that occurred during the afterglow. OSCAR N- No. I- I mean, it’s good to be out of that sweaty old hot box at the compound. No, this was, uh… LUCILLE Oh. OSCAR …amazing. RON And Oscar finally got more information about his brother's plans. LUCILLE Speaking of that, we may need to have a president ready to go if something should happen to Lucille Two while we’re building the wall. OSCAR So we are building a wall. Right where Oscar thought he would be spendingthe rest of his life. LUCILLE Turn him around three times and put him in Fullerton, he won’t know the difference. OSCAR Fullerton. LUCILLE Y’know, I think we should send our son down there. Give him some training, show that he has a job - let him sweat a little. OSCAR Buster? No. No, I won’t- I won’t hear of it. It could kill him. LUCILLE I meant Gob. OSCAR Oh. Oh, fine. Yeah, send him down. I love that. RON Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one father who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's George Senior’s Arrested Development. RON Unaware that he was being cuckolded by his brother, George Senior was struggling to find money to bribe Herbert Love. WAITER Didn’t someone die in one of these things? GEORGE SENIOR Oh, no. Not in one of ours. RON Although his pitch had lost some of its luster. GEORGE SENIOR And, you know, I mean, it’s better than dying in the snow. I mean, not- not that you would die, but if you had to choose, uh, I mean, brr, you know? WAITER Well, I’ll think about it. Would you like a mini-quiche? GEORGE SENIOR Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a successful Republican strategist. I am so sorry. WAITER Why? ‘Cause I’m black? GEORGE SENIOR Oh, no. You- It… RON It was over. But at least he could go home… LINDSAY Cindy’s gonna love these. GEORGE SENIOR Excuse me, Red, you’re not the only one who wants coconut shrimp. RON …with some coconut shrimp. LINDSAY Well, I should’ve known you’d be here. Supporting this right wing, dangerous crack pot. GEORGE SENIOR Lindsay! I forgot. You died your hair. What are you doing here? LINDSAY I’m supporting Love as well. We’re both doing that. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, honey, I- I’ve wanted to contact you every single day since last May. LINDSAY I haven’t seen you since January. GEORGE SENIOR Yeah, the first four months I was in denial. How are you? LINDSAY GEORGE SENIOR Are you-? Are you good? Do you have any money? LINDSAY Not really. GEORGE SENIOR Oh. LINDSAY Oh, except for a fifty thousand dollar check your wife sent to my daughter for plastic surgery. What kind of a woman does that? GEORGE SENIOR I thought there was no money left. LINDSAY Oh, no. Oh, no. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, that’s awful. I mean, she’s just precious the way she is. Does Maisie even know about this? LINDSAY No, thank God. And her name is Maeby. GEORGE SENIOR You don’t think Maisie’s cuter? GEORGE SENIOR You know what I wanna do? I wanna take this and I wanna deposit it in a trust fund that she can’t open until she’s 21. LINDSAY I guess I can’t use it anyway. GEORGE SENIOR Are you kidding me? You are the most beautiful little girl I know, and if you have any more work, your cartilage is gonna collapse. Let me see if I can- There you go. RON And that's when George Senior finally tipped a black man. GEORGE SENIOR Hey! Got the check! HERBERT LOVE Uh, whoo! Hey, you got the check. GEORGE SENIOR Third party. HERBERT LOVE Oh. Oh, man. I am gonna put this on my wall. GEORGE SENIOR Oh. RON George Senior left the hotel hoping he'd accomplished something... RON …and on the news the next day… HERBERT LOVE We have got… HERBERT LOVE …to build a wall between us and Mexico. The Chinese, they’ve got a great wall, but we… GEORGE SENIOR Yeah! Yeah! RON …and aside from hating the wrinkles he saw in the rear view mirror around his eyes and brow, George Senior was happy. GEORGE SENIOR ? All you need is smiles. Lots and lots of smiley smiles. All you need is- ? GEORGE SENIOR What the f**k is he smiling about? GEORGE SENIOR Hello. SURVEYOR 1 Oh. We’re just doing a survey for the U.S. government, ma’am. GEORGE SENIOR Oh no, I’m a man. I was just wearing, uh, this blouse because I was, uh, driving and I hate my arms. What’s the tape for? SURVEYOR 1 Laying out border coordinates. For when they put up the wall. SURVEYOR 2 Shh. You’re not supposed to tell him what it’s for. SURVEYOR 1 Well, he already mentioned the tape. And he looks American. SURVEYOR 2 Yeah, but he’s in Mexico. GEORGE SENIOR Wait, guys, no. No, Mexico starts back there by the gully. SURVEYOR 1 Whoever told you that’s probably chompin’ on the maca, if you know what I mean. GEORGE SENIOR So what you’re saying is that on this side of the tape, I’m in Mexico, but when I come over here and- SURVEYOR 1 Whoa, whoa. We’re gonna need to see a passport, sir. SURVEYOR 2 Pasaporte. RON George Senior liked to make men who disappoint him suffer. But things change. GEORGE SENIOR You really hurt my feelings, guys. SURVEYOR 1 No hugging. GEORGE SENIOR I’m sorry. SURVEYOR 1 Ma’am. GEORGE SENIOR RON George Senior had just discovered that the millions of dollars of American property… RON …he owned was worthless... GEORGE SENIOR How did you not notice? You saw the papers. RON …and in Mexico. BARRY You can’t expect me to read every page of that deal. Besides, that one was particularly difficult because it was all in Spanish. It says very clearly on my business card, “Se Habla Espanol.” “I Do Not Speak Spanish.” And it was your brother Oscar who told me it was on the border. GEORGE SENIOR How did he not know? RON Unfortunately, Oscar… RON …missed the signs. DR NORMAN You think it’s okay to burn these? OSCAR Well, this is America. If they don’t want us to burn signs, they shouldn’t write ‘em in Spanish. CHINA GARDEN Everybody! OSCAR CHINA GARDEN ? Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. ? RON Only Heartfire knew the truth… OSCAR CHINA GARDEN ? Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the signs ? RON …but the singing was so loud, no one could hear her thoughts. GEORGE SENIOR I bribed Love to push for the building of the wall! GEORGE SENIOR And I don’t have the land to build it on! BARRY Shh. Shh. Shh. Call Herbert Love. All right? Tell him you would greatly appreciate it if he’d rescind his support for the wall. GEORGE SENIOR And make him a flip-flopper? I can’t do that. RON Actually, he’d tried, but couldn’t afford it. GEORGE SENIOR HERBERT LOVE It’s a forty for the flip and a forty for the flop, and since it’s gonna cause a flap, I’d say another forty. So it’s a flat forty forty forty flip-flop and a flap fee. BARRY Well, then find someone who has influence with him. GEORGE SENIOR Hold on. A client is, uh, coming, and I don’t know where Oscar is. He’s disappeared, and there is something up with him, because he is scary now. He has changed. BARRY Hey, you’ve changed, you big p***y. You’re acting like a little girl lately, and not in a good way. Pull yourself together, act like a man. GEORGE SENIOR You’re right. You’re right. Okay. Love you. BARRY Love you, too. Bye. Cash. No receipt. ACOLYTE 1 Hot day, Father. GEORGE SENIOR Hot day. ACOLYTE 2 Hot day, Father. GOB Hello, Father. GEORGE SENIOR Don’t call me that. What are you doing here? GOB You and Mom talked about it. GEORGE SENIOR We did? Oscar. RON In… RON …fact, it was Oscar who spoke to Lucille about hiring Gob. LUCILLE Gob. OSCAR Oh. Oh, fine. RON …but not before an ominous warning. OSCAR But, you know, he has magical abilities. He can handle a lot more than we give him credit for. LUCILLE I know. What? GOB I would’ve been here sooner, but I had to go down to San Diego and loop my way back up because they put up that border ribbon, which is totally new, and I wasn’t… GEORGE SENIOR Shh! GOB …expecting it. It’s fine. Anyway, Father, you’ve gotta give me a job so I can be prepared to be president. GEORGE SENIOR All right, you gotta keep this “Father” stuff to yourself. I can’t have these people think that I raised a limo driver. GOB I’m not a limo driver. I'm a gentleman honey farmer. The only thing I’ve got back there are my bees. GEORGE SENIOR Beans? GOB No, bees. GEORGE SENIOR Bees? GOB Bees. GEORGE SENIOR Bees! Oh! Bees! GOB The boxes fell over on the way here when- when I had to swerve to avoid an ostrich. GUESTS WORKERS ACOLYTES GEORGE SENIOR You gotta do something about this. These people paid a lot of money. Do something! GOB No, they won’t listen to me. They’ve all got CCD. GEORGE SENIOR CCD? GOB Colony Collapse Disorder. The guy sold me just really sick bees. Don’t worry, Dad. They’re gonna hive. They always hive. RON Usually by seeking out a structure that most resembles a hive. CHINA GARDEN Ah! Bees! Wonderful bees! GEORGE SENIOR It’s okay! It’s okay! GEORGE SENIOR Gob, get in there and get ‘em out! GOB Okay, I’m on it. RON But then George Senior got some more bad news. OSCAR Hello, brother. Thought I’d find you in a blouse and a beekeeper hat. GEORGE SENIOR What are you doing? You- No, no, no, no, no. We cannot be seen next to each other. I’m DR NORMAN! OSCAR Well, if you don’t wanna be seen then you go in the sweat lodge. You owe me. GEORGE SENIOR Is that a fact? Listen, you told me the property was on the border. It is fifty feet south of the border, Oscar! OSCAR Well, excuse me, but they hadn’t put up the tape yet, so I was going off Buster’s map. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, God, it was Buster's map RON Buster had indeed made the map as a cartography student because the class where you get to see naked people and draw them was full. OSCAR And you lied to me. You told me you brought this property to live on. No. You bought this property to put up a wall. GEORGE SENIOR I told one lie, but I- I was gonna share the money with you. Two lies. OSCAR And why do I think that you charged more than five dollars for lemonade? GEORGE SENIOR Three small lies. Now, will you do me a favor? Just get in the tent. Gob’s getting rid of the bees, and we’ll push the matinee till three. OSCAR No, I’m sick and tired of being in that hut pretending to be you. Maybe I should go out there and pretend to be you. So goodbye, George. This is the last you’ll see of me. I’m just gonna use the can for one second. CHINA GARDEN There’s two DR NORMANs! RON Moments later, as… RON …Gob went to collect his bees, he had an eerie feeling of Deja Vu. GOB My cave. RON It was Gob’s cave. GOB Get in there. RON He had used it for an illusion that had failed when the hidden compartment that held the keys to his escape didn't open. GOB RON Humiliating him in front of his bride, uh, her, and all of Christendom. GOB Why didn’t you open? RON And that's when he noticed something wedged in the compartment. Ann, by the way, her name’s Ann. GOB T. Tony Wonder. Tony Wonder. RON George Senior headed up north to see his wife before his brother could. GEORGE SENIOR I need to come and talk to you. RON But he soon found out he was too late by a day. LUCILLE Oh, I know what you’re coming up to do. GEORGE SENIOR Right. What? LUCILLE Yesterday, you were amazing. Georgie, I can’t stop thinking about it. You haven't been like that in years. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, right. You mean slow-witted? LUCILLE I hope you’re ready for more of the same today. GEORGE SENIOR Uh… RON George Senior had a few problems. His brother was sleeping with his wife, the property he was going to sell to the government to build the US wall on was in Mexico and his sweat lodge colony had just collapsed. So he had to deal with first things first. GEORGE SENIOR All right. All right. Okay. If my identical twin brother can… GEORGE SENIOR …get it up, I mean, shouldn’t I? DR NORMAN Have you had any sexual feeling at all lately? GEORGE SENIOR No. DR NORMAN You know, the Hopi Indians believe that this spot here… GEORGE SENIOR Okay. DR NORMAN …when manipulated can create sexual feeling. GEORGE SENIOR That’s my penis. DR NORMAN Oh, you don’t have to tell me. Nothing? GEORGE SENIOR No, just a little curiosity as to why you’re checking your second hand. DR NORMAN Oh, this isn’t my office. GEORGE SENIOR You know, I don’t- I don’t get it. I’ve been poppin’ the pills, and I mean- I mean, nothing. DR NORMAN Are you under any pressure? GEORGE SENIOR Oh no. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean, there’s some violating Federal law stuff that would put me in prison for the rest of my life, but I’ve made love with treason charges over me before. Yes, but no, it’s something else. It’s not just the sex. I feel- I feel wrong. Somehow. And I’m becoming weak. DR NORMAN Sorry. Had the old thinking cap on. Let’s go to the lists. RON And DR NORMAN proceeded to run through a checklist of alternative medicine questions. DR NORMAN Okay, did you drink some water that might have a homeopathic memory of some molecule? GEORGE SENIOR Do you keep track of the molecules you ingest? DR NORMAN Well, with homeopathy, it’s the molecules you don’t ingest. But I’m the one who can get hard, so let’s focus on you. RON He then went on to explore some supernatural… RON …or high-concept premise possibilities. DR NORMAN Any earthquakes in a Chinese restaurant while you’re trying to prove something to your mother? GEORGE SENIOR No. DR NORMAN And and wishes you may have phrased badly, or while a child was blowing out a candle? Have you come across… GEORGE SENIOR No. DR NORMAN …any ancient games, let’s say glowing games, uh, either board-based or carnival-based which may have played against the wishes of your best friend? GEORGE SENIOR No. DR NORMAN Curses, hexes, spells, shamen, medicine men? GEORGE SENIOR Wait. OSTRICH MAN The strong will become the weak. The weak will become the strong. GEORGE SENIOR I did hallucinate one ancient foreboding warrior harbinger while I chewed maca root about a year ago. Could that be something? DR NORMAN No, it’s not the maca. Your body wants the maca. It’s not the maca. RON But finally out of desperation he turned to Western Medicine. DR NORMAN Okay, tell you what, let’s get some film on you. I’d like you to get on an MRI machine and try to ride it to climax. I’m gonna send you over to Orange County Imaging. They do a ton of that. GEORGE SENIOR Okay. Do I get magazines? DR NORMAN Yeah. I’ll write you a scrip for that. We’ve got a place right around the corner that plays ball. GEORGE SENIOR Thank you. VOICES DR NORMAN Oh, s**t. Run. GEORGE SENIOR Huh? Oh. RON And soon, after getting his prescription filled… GEORGE SENIOR Uh, hola. I have a, um, magazines? RON ... he was on his way to debase himself in an MRI machine when he ran into a son with whom he'd lost touch... MICHAEL Dad, what are you doing here? GEORGE SENIOR I wanted to speak to you in person. MICHAEL Then you’re here to apologize. Is that right? RON …although he covered pretty well. GEORGE SENIOR Sure. And- And of course, to see you at Orange County Ima-gine. MICHAEL I went to you for a simple signature, and you told me to go to hell. RON Actually, it was the newly potent Oscar… RON …who like… MICHAEL Dad? RON …one of Gob's sick bees, was pollinating one barren flower… MICHAEL Why? RON …after another… RON …who told Michael to go to hell. OSCAR Go to hell. MICHAEL Huh? RON Which is how George Senior was left with just Senor Senoritas. And that's when he got a lead on his wall problem. GEORGE SENIOR Do you know a guy named Herbert Love? MICHAEL I know a lot of people. Sure. RON And soon he surprised Michael by giving him his rights for the movie project. GEORGE SENIOR Shh. Shh. Shh. I don’t know it was about lying to a girl. Gimme the release. MICHAEL You’d do this for me? GEORGE SENIOR Of course I will. RON And then didn’t surprise him. GEORGE SENIOR If you’ll do something for me. MICHAEL I knew it. GEORGE SENIOR Michael, you gotta get this Love guy against the wall between the U.S. and Mexico. That’s not right. MICHAEL You’re really opposed to this wall, huh? When did you become pro-immigrant? GEORGE SENIOR I have changed, Michael. I cry at the drop of a hat. And I hate the way I look. I actually had… MICHAEL What? GEORGE SENIOR …one cute hat and it- it blew off in the CVS parking lot. Then this whole car full of black kids ran over it. For no reason. And they saw it! They saw it! Michael, anyway I live down there now, and I care for these people who just wanna come into this country and ply their wares and let us freely fill the bay with their culture. MICHAEL Hey, don’t get me started on the cinco. Dad, I haven’t been to one in twenty years. There’s- There’s gonna be blowback there. It’s just gonna happen. You can’t swim in that bay for a month without getting nacho cheese sauce in your hair. It’s comin’. GEORGE SENIOR Could you help me, then? With Love and his speech at Cinco? Can you do that for your dad? RON What he didn't tell Michael was that the family would go broke if they had to build the wall... MICHAEL Of course I will. RON ... maybe if he had, Michael wouldn't have overplayed his hand as a big shot producer who knew "lots of people". RON But a deal was soon struck. MICHAEL Thanks, Pop. GEORGE SENIOR All right. RON And Michael, signed contract in hand, went to show off at the Ealing club, while George Senior, magazine in hand, went to **** off in an MRI machine. RON George Senior finally went to visit a wife who was under the impression that he was "back for more..." LUCILLE The wrong land? GEORGE SENIOR It’s under control. I'm trying to get Love to come out against the wall. We can't afford to build it if we're not selling the land back to the government. It’ll ruin us. LUCILLE It’ll ruin us if we don’t build it. George, you’ve gone puny again. Where’s the man who took ahold of me yesterday and bent me over this couch? GEORGE SENIOR Okay, okay, let’s not sully its memory. LUCILLE Look, we make sure Herbert Love comes out against the wall right after we get enough of it up to trigger the government payment and speaking of getting it up, give it up, what’s going on down here? Do you need a little more Marilyn like I did yesterday? ? Happy Birthday, Mr. President...? GEORGE SENIOR I- I don’t wanna be Mr. President. LUCILLE Especially with all this going down. Oh, and speaking of president, what’s happening with Gob? You gave him a job? GEORGE SENIOR Yes, but then I- I fired him. He caused my colony to collapse. LUCILLE Oh, my God. George, get him another job. You must have some favors you can call in somewhere. And then you can have some of my favors, Mr. President. GEORGE SENIOR As much as I’d like to stay and lay some more pipe with you, I’d better get moving on this thing. RON And so the next day George Senior once again called upon his son. MICHAEL Michael B Project. GEORGE SENIOR Yeah, you gotta give Gob a job. Something in the, uh, building company, or, uh, hey, I think he'd get a big kick out of the movie business. MICHAEL No, no, no. Dad, hey, he knows nothing about producing. GEORGE SENIOR Look, I don’t care if it's producing a movie that's never gonna be made, or selling houses that no one’s gonna buy, I just want my son to have a job where his incompetence won't be out of place. Anyway, he's on his way to Sudden Valley now. MICHAEL No, he isn’t. No, no. Come on, Dad. No, no. Now? GEORGE SENIOR What? What? He’s gonna make it less valuable? Which I told you was gonna happen, by the way. MICHAEL Oh, here it is. Here it is. Yeah, there it is. Knew it was comin’. RON And even though George had imposed on Michael, it was Gob… GOB What the hell? RON …who felt he had a cross to bear. MICHAEL What the hell? SIGNS GOOGLE MAPS MICHAEL Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I got the right of- Hey, hey! GOB If you- No, don’t. It’s mine. MICHAEL Okay. Comin’ through here. Nice. GOB Right. Ha. Low. No, no! My right of way. There. High. MICHAEL Okay. Hey, hey. MICHAEL Gob! GOB Michael! RON And the two brothers reunited… MICHAEL Hey, Gob! GOB Michael! RON …happy to see each other... MICHAEL Gob. RON …at first. GOB Michael. So hear you need help moving these memorials to the death of the housing market. MICHAEL Actually, that was a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman. GOB I knew that. I brought one, too. Size of the man’s heart. Just gotta figure out how to get it out of the car. If I could remember how I got it in. MICHAEL That's not from your Christian magic act? GOB Christian magic act? If I were Muslim, would you say Muslim magic act? MICHAEL No. But it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to a glittery cross and living to tell about it. GOB Yeah, the Christians aren’t so sh*t hot about it either. MICHAEL Hmm. Well. RON Michael could see that his brother was unhappy, and that his life had not worked out the way he had hoped. MICHAEL Things are incredible for me. I’m having an incredible year. I am a movie producer now, producing a movie. So. They’ve got me in this enormous office. I told ‘em, “I don’t wanna be driving to Beverly Hills every single day,” so they put me in an enormous office just over here. Rental. GOB My personal life is off the charts. I met someone. Can’t really give you any information. Kind of famous-y. MICHAEL Wow, good for you. I also met someone. GOB Did you? MICHAEL Also famous-y. Can’t give you any information. RON In fact, Michael didn't even find out who she was… RON …until one night earlier. MICHAEL Oh, my God. I’m dating Ron Howard’s girlfriend. RON Although he did have some of the details wrong. RON She’s an actress. You know her. RON She was Ron's illegitimate daughter… MICHAEL I do? Yes, of course I do. Your girl. RON …a fact unbeknownst to many. Well, we kinda like to keep that quiet. A woman who… RON … like Bryce Dallas and Paige Carlyle, was named after where she was conceived. RON And she actually had worked for some A- list directors. She did a Terence Malick. REBEL Are we the same? RON She got… RON …the lead in a Woody Allen film… REBEL But I felt like I was in The Iceman Cometh, but, you know, in my case, he faketh. RON ... and was once… RON …even directed by her own father-- And action. REBEL Next time, don’t pocket it. Pay for it. Shoplifting not cool. RON And cut. --in a Public Service Announcement, which, like all of Ron's work-- Hey, do you wanna just try another one? You know, I think we got it. RON --was inspired by a photograph. Rebel was indeed a rebel. RON But Michael didn't possess that information. MICHAEL I can give you some information about your airless office you’re gonna be spending most mornings in. GOB You know what I could go for is some guac. MICHAEL Well, you don’t live there anymore. Gob. GOB This heat just makes- makes me want guac. MICHAEL Now- now, uh, now, I’ve got these things, uh, very, you know, meticulously maintained. MICHAEL There’s-- There are some vultures. I think they might still smell Pete. If it wasn’t for the movie thing, I would do it myself. They practically sell themselves, you just gotta bring the people in. GOB I’m ready to move in today. MICHAEL No, well, people other than you. Bring those people in. GOB I’m starving. MICHAEL Starving? No, you’re not gonna find anything here. They’ve been abandoned for- MICHAEL Lindsay. No. No, this. Maybe Tobias? RON It was John Beard. MICHAEL Shall we? GOB Well, the value of these homes is gonna go down if we don’t sell one today. MICHAEL Let me see if I can find a, uh- GOB Do you have a bottle opener? MICHAEL Great idea. RON And after… MICHAEL Cheers. GOB Yep. RON …a few more drinks and a little more depreciation, Michael admitted he had a rival for his girlfriend. GOB You don’t have to worry about Ron Howard. Uh, he’s not competition for you. MICHAEL Really? GOB Well, no, the guy’s, like, a hundred years old. What’s he gonna do, uh, poke you in the eyes? MICHAEL No, you’re confused. Ron Howard directed Apollo 13. You’re thinking of Moe Howard, the angry stooge who’s been dead for a quarter century. GOB Well, that’s good… MICHAEL Yeah. GOB …‘cause the whole time I’m thinkin’, like, “Unless she likes a guy who’s funny.” MICHAEL Sure. GOB ‘Cause that guy’s funny. ‘Cause the whole time, you’re like, “Is he gonna poke me in the eyes?” MICHAEL You know, I- Gob, I don’t think that the- the movie, the- It might not even happen, because I don’t think that I can ask my son. What happened between him and me was very disappointing. GOB You don’t need to tell me about disappointment and sons. Let’s not forget Steve Holt. That's the story of our relationship. MICHAEL Right. Well, I was talking about a son disappointing a father. GOB Yeah, that does make it different. Look, Michael, he- he doesn’t respect you, so you have to make him respect you. Show him that you’re a big shot, that you don’t need to live in your son’s dorm. MICHAEL No, I just live in my parents’ penthouse now. GOB Well, then take him to the Ealing Club. It’s all showbiz. I used to hang out there all the time, it’s just actresses and stuff like that. MICHAEL I don’t know if I could pick up the phone and call him and ask him. GOB You know what, Michael? MICHAEL Hmm? GOB I’ll call him for ya. MICHAEL Really? You’d do that for me? GOB It’s the least I could do. You’ve given me a new sense of purpose. MICHAEL Did you actually have an old one? ‘Cause it always seemed like you were always lookin’ for the easy way out. GOB Yeah, that was it. GEORGE SENIOR Hi, I’m George Bluth of the Bluth Company, and, uh… RON George Bluth, meanwhile, was finding an easy way out of the wall problem. GEORGE SENIOR …we’ve built this wall. We have miles and- and miles of wall. Uh, will you confirm that, soldier? BUSTER Yes. GEORGE SENIOR It’s a- about protecting our border which is why, uh, we have a member of our armed forces with us today. Say hello. BUSTER GEORGE SENIOR It’s, uh, triple-reinforced, steel-reinforced, and, uh, I don’t really know how to- how to say that, uh, what it does is it protects, um- BUSTER It’s Mexican-proof. GEORGE SENIOR It’s- Oh, can’t say- Well, gosh darn it, it is Mexican-proof. BUSTER GEORGE SENIOR Sit up. Uh… BUSTER Daddy, my tummy’s turning. GEORGE SENIOR Uh, all right. Um, uh, it’s, uh, triple-reinforced. BUSTER Daddy, I gotta go. I gotta go now. GEORGE SENIOR Uh, you’re gonna fi- Oh, for God’s sakes. Get up! BUSTER I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out! GEORGE SENIOR We’re not gonna- Uh, we’ll edit this part out, and, uh- Anyhow… RON But George Senior hadn't built miles of wall. BUSTER RON He'd just found a roundabout way to make it seem that way. RON And one week later, at Cinco, George arrived hoping to hear Herbert Love… GEORGE SENIOR No thanks. I already crushed one with my car. RON …sway public opinion against the wall, so the Bluth Company wouldn't be on the hook to build it for real. GEORGE SENIOR Hi. Hey. Hi. Michael! MICHAEL Yeah. GEORGE SENIOR What happened? MICHAEL Oh, the- It’s a terrible week, but I’m gonna fix things once and for all right now. GEORGE SENIOR Is this about Love? MICHAEL No. It’s about money. But I’m- I’m- I will pay her back, uh, one way or the other. GEORGE SENIOR Who? MICHAEL Lucille Two. I’m gonna get her against the wall. GEORGE SENIOR No, no, no, no. No, no. She cannot know about this wall. MICHAEL Fine. I’ll get her, uh, against the top of the staircar. I don’t care. It’s gonna happen, though. GEORGE SENIOR I am talking about Herbert Love. Is he going to oppose the building of the wall? MICHAEL Ah. Yes. I took care of that. He is going to announce that in his speech tonight. GEORGE SENIOR That is great news. MICHAEL Yeah. GEORGE SENIOR Listen, I- I- I have to go. I have to see if I can pass this testosterone test. MICHAEL I do, too. GEORGE SENIOR And listen, not a word to- LUCILLE TWO How dare you? GEORGE SENIOR Lucille. Two. LUCILLE TWO Did you think I wouldn’t find out? GEORGE SENIOR I was gonna cut you in. I was trying to protect you so they wouldn’t link you to it, but it turns out that we can’t afford to build it anyway. LUCILLE TWO Build what? GEORGE SENIOR The wall. In Mexico. The high wall? Uh, what were-? What were you talking about? LUCILLE TWO I was talking about you giving money to Herbert Love in his campaign against me. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, no. No, no. That was to get Love to support the wall. Oh, I tell ya, I’ve been all over the place on this one. LUCILLE TWO I can’t be running a company that’s building a wall I campaigned against. GEORGE SENIOR Listen to me. It’s taken care of. I just ran into Michael, he’s got Love against the wall. It’s done. It’s gonna be in the speech tonight. It’s over. LUCILLE TWO It better be. Or I’ll talk about in my speech tonight. Now, I’ve got a staircar to wave from. And I can’t be seen with you. GEORGE SENIOR Because I’m fat. It’s because I am fat. You think I’m a fat person. LUCILLE TWO You are such a drama queen. RON George Senior was worried. GEORGE SENIOR Fat arms. I don’t understand this. RON And so it was in a state of agitation that George Senior arrived for his doctor’s appointment. GEORGE SENIOR Excuse me, DR NORMAN? DR NORMAN You’re mistaken. GEORGE SENIOR DR NORMAN, it’s me, George Bluth. DR NORMAN Oh, George. Yes, thank you for meeting me here. DR NORMAN I like to do a little housecleaning on the Fourth. Old quinceañera candles. GEORGE SENIOR I was wondering if you could tell me my test results. DR NORMAN Oh, yes, yes. Uh, well, your testosterone numbers are off the charts. GEORGE SENIOR DR NORMAN Below the charts. Under the charts. I don’t know how to say that. You have almost no testosterone at all. I don’t know the exact numbers, but it’s somewhere in the baby range. On the plus side, your estrogen levels are that of a very healthy woman in the throes of her menses. GEORGE SENIOR May I see my results? DR NORMAN I wish you’d asked me about five minutes ago. I think I dumped it with a pot pipe and a bottle of cheetah sedative. Also, the people at Orange County Imaging said that you were masturbating in an MRI tube? Oh, no. GEORGE SENIOR But, doctor, you- you told me to. DR NORMAN I did no such thing. Oh no. No, no, you can’t do that. That sounds like something I would say when I had my thinking cap on. You, sir, are a very funny lady. GEORGE SENIOR That’s what they always say to the unattractive one. RON It was finally time for Herbert Love to make his speech, when the party was suddenly ransacked. Of course it was Cinco so it took a while for anyone to notice. It appeared the Hispanic community had had enough of Cinco de Cuatro. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, God. The blowback. RON But the blowback created a greater blowback as the crowd that had gathered to hear Herbert Love speak was whipped into a frenzy. CROWD Put up this wall! Put up this wall! Put up this wall! RON And that's when George Senior knew he was in real trouble. RON Fortunately, he was able to find a disguise. GEORGE SENIOR Oh, God. RON Unfortunately... GEORGE SENIOR This feels right. RON On the next Arrested Development... RON Lindsay surprises Michael… LINDSAY Michael. RON … after a long absence from his life. MICHAEL Lindsay. LINDSAY It’s been a long time. MICHAEL I know. LINDSAY Well, it’s, uh, a little embarrassing. MICHAEL But I have been meaning to get down there, so let’s just… LINDSAY You’re right. I mean, it’s not like we’re even technically related. MICHAEL That’s true. LINDSAY Okay. Well, then, I’ll start with a smear. RON And George Senior gets more comfortable in hiding. GEORGE SENIOR Yes? SMEE Uh, Detective Smee, Orange County police. I need to speak with you. Lucille Austero went missing last night. SMEE Mind if we ask you a few questions? GEORGE SENIOR Oh, I- I don't allow men in my apartment without my husband present.