AVA BRODY CALVIN CAPT_MILANO COOKIE DEAN EMMA GLORIA JESSIE KEVIN LIZZIE LUCAS MARIAH MAYOR_DANIELSON MCNAMARA MIKE PAUL RENEE ROSARIO GLORIA There's the Mayor. Let's see what she has to say this time. MAYOR DANIELSON Sixth robbery in two months? Hmm. Imagine if this wasn't a "safe and sound" community. CAPT MILANO I promise you, Mayor Danielson, we are doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this. MAYOR DANIELSON You know what? My nanny could've cracked this case faster. CAPT MILANO Well, maybe we should put her on the Force. MAYOR DANIELSON Do you know how embarrassing this is? I live here! MAYOR DANIELSON Every day, I have to reassure my neighbors that the police are "this close" to catching the perpetrator. And now this. MAYOR DANIELSON Poor Jim Donahoe in the ICU with severe head trauma. CAPT MILANO Well, at least his wife was out of town escaped injury. Got to be grateful for that. MAYOR DANIELSON I am. But when people start getting hurt, that's a line in the sand, and you know that. You also know what a tough re-election campaign I'm fighting, getting tougher by the robbery. MAYOR DANIELSON Captain Milano, I want--need you to escalate this case. Whatever it takes. And I'm talking yesterday. CAPT MILANO First, a reminder that our good buddy and colleague, Griff Hoolahan, will be retiring next week after 37 outstanding years of service. MIKE 37 years! That's amazing! Whoo! CAPT MILANO Griff's exit opens up the new lead slot on the Poplar Point investigation which, due to the increase in violence, is now the number-one priority for Mayor Danielson and this department. CAPT MILANO Losing Griff also opens up a level-two position here in Robbery. In plain English a promotion. What're you looking at, Logan? The only upgrade you'll be getting is on a rent-a-car. Rosario? ROSARIO Captain, I'm about wrapped up on the Third Street case, so-- CAPT MILANO And just let me say, great work, Detective. ROSARIO Thank you, sir. As a result, I could jump right into Poplar Point. If you agree. Sir. MIKE What a kiss-up. CAPT MILANO Did you say something detective? MIKE Oh, just, um how terrific it is for the precinct that Detective Ramos so capably closed in on Third Street, sir. She looks good, we look good. CAPT MILANO Detective Ramos, see me in my office in five minutes. The rest of you back to work. MIKE How do you like that? CAPT MILANO They got this great new invention. It's called "knocking." MIKE I’ve got to be on Poplar Point. CAPT MILANO Not a chance. MIKE Give me one good reason. CAPT MILANO I can give you six! One for each robbery, plus a victim still in ICU MIKE Is he going to make it? CAPT MILANO Ah, it's touch-and-go. Last report, he was still unconscious. MIKE Ouch! CAPT MILANO Exactly. Do you know what the Mayor said to me today? Her nanny could've solved the case faster. MIKE Double ouch. CAPT MILANO I don't think she even has a nanny. MIKE That's it! I’ve got to go undercover. As a nanny. "Manny." Whatever. To get in there and infiltrate Poplar Point. CAPT MILANO Well, Hoolahan's already ruled out an inside job. MIKE All due respect, sir Hoolahan has had one foot out the door for, like months on— CAPT MILANO Hey! MIKE What you need is somebody that's hungry and committed to bust through this. CAPT MILANO That's why I'm putting Ramos on it. But I do like the undercover nanny bit. It's inventive. MIKE I know! I thought of it! CAPT MILANO Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day, Logan. Now, if you'll just— MIKE No. Captain you're not-- you're not hearing me. I thought of this. This is my idea, my case. I deserve this. CAPT MILANO Ramos deserves it for cracking Third Street! You know, frankly, Logan, you're just a little too-- MIKE Inventive? CAPT MILANO Impulsive! You can't just jump in half-baked. Not with the Mayor breathing down our necks. MIKE Your neck, which is exactly what I'm trying to help save here. CAPT MILANO Okay. What do you know about kids? Aside from how to avoid having any of your own. MIKE I am just waiting for Miss Right, and I know plenty about kids. I grew up with four younger brothers and sisters. I helped my parents out with them, like, all the time! I just need a little brush-up on the basics and I will be good to go. CAPT MILANO That's Ramos. MIKE Captain, I want this! I want to protect that neighborhood. I want to put that thief behind bars. I want to get the Mayor back on our team! CAPT MILANO There's an employment agency that fronts us on cases like this. They'll put you in their system and we'll go from there. MIKE You will not regret this. Ramos, I love the vest. Okay... "Always utilize currencies important to your child to incentify appropriate behavior." Makes sense. Okay. "Never utilize currencies important to your child to incentify appropriate behavior." "Don't overestimate your child's apparent problem." "Don't underestimate your child's apparent problem." Or just flip a coin. CAPT MILANO Logan! Just heard from the employment agency. You're in luck. Couple from Poplar Point, pair of lawyers just lost their nanny. They need a new one A.S.A.P. MIKE Later, Calvin. CALVIN Later. MIKE And they're okay with a male nanny? CAPT MILANO Well, the last one was a woman and that didn't work out, so, yeah, they're open, and they have a son, so a "manny" could be a plus. MIKE What happened with their last nanny? CAPT MILANO How would I know? Just go and meet with these people tomorrow morning first thing, make 'em like you. Tall order I know. Hoolahan's notes on the case. Oh! Don't forget these. MIKE Key? For what? CAPT MILANO Your new vehicle. Our treat. CALVIN Chicks are going to love this. MIKE Well, at least I'll have an excuse for being dateless. What's yours? Best "manny" ever! AVA Who are you? MIKE Hi! I'm Mike. Who are you? AVA I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. You could be the robber. MIKE Well, I promise, I'm not the robber. Is your mommy or daddy home? LIZZIE Ava I told you-- no opening the door by yourself. You must be Mike. Hi, Lizzie Bannerman. MIKE Hi. LIZZIE Sorry. We've all been a little on-edge since the robberies. MIKE Well, I'm here to serve and protect. Figuratively speaking. LIZZIE Please, come on in. And I apologize in advance for the mess. Come on Ava. I need you to finish your breakfast and get ready for school. KEVIN No. Yeah-- no. It's, uh... Agnes Edwards. Yes. Lethbridge, Minnesota. LIZZIE No, don't go in there. KEVIN I'll talk to you in a few minutes. Okay. Bye-bye. LIZZIE Here you go. KEVIN Okay, thanks, babe. All right. LIZZIE Yeah. No. I got that, too. KEVIN Hey. Kevin Bannerman. Uh, listen, I am crazy late for court, but Lizzie'll talk to you. Thanks for stopping by. All right. MIKE Okay. LIZZIE All right, kids, we got to hurry. Bus is going to be here in two minutes. AVA Mommy, I don't like my pigtails. LIZZIE Oh, honey… LUCAS Mom, my stomach hurts. I should probably stay home. LIZZIE Okay. Ava, your pigtails look fantastic. Lucas, honey you can't have a stomach ache every day. When you get to school if you still don't feel well, just give me a call and then-- No, I'm going to be in depositions all day long. Call Mike here, and-- What's your number? MIKE Do I have the job? LIZZIE The agency did their background checks, said you were the best, so, yeah. I-- Oh! Okay. It's okay. AVA Mommy did my pancakes die? LIZZIE Yeah. Okay, that's okay, honey. Just grab a scone. Chester-- MIKE Chester! Step away from the pancakes! LIZZIE Oh… Let's just give it a try, shall we? Okay, guys, let's go. Let's go. Let’s go. We're going to just... oh, gosh. Um... I'm sorry, Mike, but could I ask you to tidy up around here a little bit? MIKE Your mess is, uh, is my mess. I got it covered. LIZZIE Thanks a million. Our cell phone numbers are on the fridge, and... We'll see you later. Don't forget doors locked at all times. MIKE Got it. LIZZIE Okay. All right, guys! Let's go. MIKE Have a great day, Bannermans! Really? JESSIE I would love for somebody to say that to me, actually. MIKE Hello! Hello, ladies. Hi. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Mike Logan. I'm the Bannermans' new nanny... "manny." Or whatever. Just happy to be onboard. And you are? MARIAH Mariah Kingsley. "Miss" Mariah Kingsley. MIKE Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Mariah Kingsley. GLORIA Gloria Mueller. Been a nanny longer than you've been alive. Longer than most people have been alive. MIKE And the third Musketeer is? JESSIE Uh, Jessie White. I work for the Warners across the street. MIKE Oh! Great. We're neighbors. Nice to meet you. Warming' up for something big? JESSIE Just getting my steps in. 12,000 today, that's almost 6 miles. MIKE Wow, that's very ambitious. You must be in great shape. JESSIE Mm-hmm. What do you do for exercise, Mike? Besides, uh, working out your pick-up lines? MIKE I will race you any day, Jessie. JESSIE Okay. MIKE So, I guess it's been a little bit scary here lately, right? With all the, uh, the break-ins? GLORIA What's scary is they didn't catch the son-of-a-gun after the first five robberies. Now violence. MARIAH Loser cops. There's more chance one of us could catch the guy. MIKE Have you guys seen anything or anyone, you know, weird? JESSIE You know, come to think of it there was that strange guy hanging around lately. We should probably look out for him. MIKE Really? JESSIE Yeah. Yeah. He’s, um… He's about 6'2", brown hair blue eyes. Drives a red van, calls himself "Mike." Just a little new-nanny humor. MIKE Ah. JESSIE Good luck, Mike! MIKE Thanks. GLORIA Wait up! JESSIE Keep up! MIKE That's a lot of pink. MIKE Wha-- Chester. No, no, no, Chester. Off the bed! Off the bed. Bad dog. AVA Loretta's head fell off. Can you sew it back on, please? MIKE You want me to sew? Like, now? Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay! I'll sew. I'll sew. Ahh! AVA Did you hurt Loretta? MIKE Ow! No, Ava… Loretta is just fine. LIZZIE Kids, the bus just drove away. Didn't you hear the horn? LUCAS This guy hasn't even made breakfast. Or lunch. MIKE Ohh! Uh, it's, uh-- getting there. LIZZIE Well, this is... interesting. MIKE That is a work in progress. - LIZZIE Oh! MIKE Sorry about that. And don't worry about the bus, I will-- I will take the kids to school. LUCAS In that Mary Poppins-mobile? No way! AVA Oh, my gosh, I love Mary Poppins. Chim-chiminey. Chim-chiminey. Chim-chim-cher-oo. KEVIN Morning, troops. Hey, shouldn't you guys be on the bus? AVA Mike messed up. But he's driving us so he doesn't get fired. MIKE Kids! KEVIN Yeah. Lucas? What say me and you shoot some basketball this weekend, huh? Get you ready for tryouts? MIKE Basketball? Really? Because you're looking at one of the sport's secret weapons, right here. KEVIN Well, maybe you should coach Lucas. You know? He really wants to be on the team. LUCAS No, I don't. Basketball is stupid. LIZZIE Okay, let's just get to school. We can argue about sports later. KEVIN Up top. LIZZIE Oh! Mike. Can you cook up a tofu stir-fry for dinner? Everything you need's in the fridge. MIKE You got it. LIZZIE Thank you. Okay. MIKE Yeah. LIZZIE Bye, kids! AVA This is pathetic. MIKE See? On time after all. Just like the bus. LUCAS Only because the bus driver makes, like, a million stops. You drive like an old lady. BRODY Hey Lucas Puke-as." Don't even think about joining basketball. Loser. MIKE Everything okay here, bud? LUCAS Yeah... great. See you. MIKE Morning. JESSIE Hi! MIKE Hi. Jessie, right? JESSIE Yeah. Uh. Is that-- Do you do you have peanut butter in your hair? MIKE Oh...Yeah… Bye! Bye! EMMA Bye. JESSIE Bye, guys. AVA Bye. JESSIE You, uh, missed the bus, too, this morning? MIKE Yeah, slight breakfast malfunction. Those two are pretty close. JESSIE Yeah, yeah. They are play date pals. You know, they're neighbors, so it's easy. MIKE Oh. Are the neighbors all pretty close? JESSIE Yeah. Some-- some are. You know, some keep to themselves. Honestly, a lot of people have clammed up since the robberies. MIKE Hey, we should get the girls together for a play date after school today, maybe go to the park or something. JESSIE I can't. It’s the baby's nap time. MIKE The baby? They baby's a baby! He can sleep anywhere. JESSIE Uh, it's a she and I'm pretty sure that even you know that that is not true. Besides, I-- I've got to study. MIKE Oh? Study for what? JESSIE I'm getting my Master's Degree in child psychology. MIKE Okay, that's scary. JESSIE Why? Worried you're going to be my first client? MIKE No. I mean, how do you possibly find time to go to school with all this? JESSIE Well, I take classes online, so that helps. And besides, you know what they say, if you want something done, just ask a busy person to do it. MIKE Exactly! Which is why a super-multitasker like yourself should be able to squeeze in a little play date. You knit, too? What don't you do? JESSIE It's, uh, it's not knitting, it's crocheting. I love it. Totally relaxes me. I'm making a blanket for Carly. MIKE Oh, very cool. Lucky baby. JESSIE So, where did you work before Poplar Point? MIKE Downtown. I mean, for a family that used to live downtown. One of those fancy lofts, but they moved, far away, to Canada. But I didn't, you know, move. How long you been with the Warners? JESSIE Oh, coming up on a year. In August. Yeah, I adore Mrs. Warner. She's a-- she's a great mom. MIKE Mm-hmm. And Mr. Warner? JESSIE He's a good dad. He's a workaholic. You know the Tires On The Go stores? Those are his. MIKE Whoa! He must do pretty well. Hey, what did you mean earlier, when you said everyone's "clammed up" since the robberies? JESSIE Just that people are looking over their shoulders more. MIKE Do they think that someone around Poplar Point is the burglar? JESSIE Maybe. Yeah. Although I heard that the police don't think so. MIKE Do you think so? JESSIE I mean, If I had to guess? Yeah. JESSIE I mean don't listen to me, though. I'm just an amateur sleuth at heart. MIKE Really? Me too. Especially the "amateur" part. AVA Can I have a juice box? MIKE A juice box? Uh... JESSIE Mike, where's your stuff? MIKE My stuff? JESSIE Yeah. All your kid stuff. MIKE Uh… AVA I really want a juice box! MIKE Um… JESSIE I got one. MIKE Okay. There you go. JESSIE There you go. Uh-huh. MIKE There’s a juice box. JESSIE Want one? AVA Can you open it? MIKE Yeah. JESSIE The straw goes in the little hole on top. LUCAS Worst nanny ever. JESSIE There's a little hole. MIKE There's a lot of pressure in these things. JESSIE Right there. MIKE My last kids, they were-- they were a little bit they were a little bit older. They were past the whole juice box thing. JESSIE You're a weird nanny, you know that? MIKE Okay. AVA Want to play "Princess"? MIKE Yeah! Just give me a few minutes, okay? AVA Okay. MIKE Okay. CALVIN Whoa. Purple is not your friend. MIKE Shh, shh, shh! I'm playing with the kid, man. Calvin, you are such a life-saver. CALVIN You better get down with the cooking thing, bro or you are toast. No pun intended. MIKE I know. I'm on it. Just a lot going on. AVA Mike! Come on! MIKE I'll be right there! CALVIN Yeah? What are you finding out? Aside from how to grant wishes? MIKE That I got to get these people to start talking, but first, they got to eat. Thanks again, Calvin. CALVIN Classic. LIZZIE Mike! That looks gorgeous. MIKE Just a little something I whipped up. LIZZIE I don't remember leaving you peppercorns to add in. KEVIN And what is that? Black bean sauce? MIKE Yeah, I just, uh put my own little personal spin on it. LIZZIE Mm-hmm. MIKE Don't wait for me, though. Please, everybody, dig in. AVA Mike and I played "Princess" today. KEVIN You did? Wow! LIZZIE Mike, did you know that Ava wants to play the princess in the class production of Sleeping Beauty? MIKE What? AVA Could you help me rehearse for it? MIKE Absolutely! As long as I have time to practice B-ball with the Luke-man. LUCAS Would you let it go? MIKE Nope. Ava's going to be in the play, and you are going to make the basketball team. Now eat your tofu. KEVIN This is great, Mike. It's as good as they make at the Panda Kitchen. LIZZIE Well, that's the last of 'em. MIKE I could've got those. LIZZIE Please, you're doing enough around here. Besides, I still have three hours of case work to finish tonight, so I'm kind of stalling. MIKE You like being a lawyer? LIZZIE I like the law. I like bringing the guilty to justice. MIKE Exactly! I mean-- so you must have some idea of who's breaking in around here. LIZZIE Not really. But if I've learned one thing as a lawyer, it's that most answers are hiding right in plain sight which can also make them the hardest to see. MIKE Hmm. LIZZIE Oh. That reminds me-- be sure to set the alarm anytime you leave the house. Something tells me this burglar isn't finished with Poplar Point. Honestly? I've even taken pictures of all my jewelry, just in case. MIKE I promise, the alarm will be set at all times. LIZZIE I'm going hold you to that. MIKE 'Kay. JESSIE ...Gets a juice box from me, can't open the thing, looks at it like he's never seen one before— GLORIA What? JESSIE He's fumbling with it, it's going everywhere-- oh, he's coming up right now, so let’s-- MIKE Don't stop talking on my account. GLORIA We were talking about you. MIKE Aw. I'm flattered. MARIAH Don't be. JESSIE I was telling them about your battle with the juice box. MIKE Yeah, well, I can't be good at everything. MARIAH What are you good at? MIKE Well, I can play the song "Chopsticks" with chopsticks. GLORIA I think I'd rather see you open a box of juice. JESSIE Yeah, me too. MIKE Well, bring it on. JESSIE All right. MIKE I'm serious! JESSIE All right, me too. 10 seconds. Go. GLORIA Oh, yeah. MIKE 10 seconds? I got this. This is easy. Has the clock started? This is-- This is-- This is fixed! MARIAH Go, Mikey. Go, Mikey! JESSIE Tick-tock. MIKE This is the tricky part! MARIAH Come on! GLORIA Time's ticking. MIKE Who's your daddy? JESSIE Okay, it's a juice box, it's not the Super Bowl. MARIAH See you later, Jess. JESSIE Bye, guys. JESSIE Hey, Mr. Warner! You home for lunch? PAUL Nah, I forgot some contracts this morning. Stopped by to grab them, and to put up this game-changer. Hey, Carly! MIKE You're voting for that guy and not your neighbor? PAUL "That guy" just happens to be an old fraternity brother of mine and a mighty fine candidate. And, uh who are you? JESSIE This is Mike Logan. He just started working for the Bannermans. PAUL Paul Warner. Sorry, uh, Matt, was it? MIKE Mike. Mike Logan. PAUL Ah. Well, welcome to Poplar Point, Mike. You're going to like it here. MIKE Except for the robberies, I guess. PAUL Yeah. Yeah, messy business. Jim Donahoe's still in the ICU. Might be days before he wakes up. If he wakes up. MIKE Look, I know I'm the new guy here, but we should probably tell each other if we see anything strange, don't you think? PAUL Sure. Forewarned is forearmed. Hey, uh, don't forget, vote McNamara. Bye! JESSIE I should go. Meanwhile, you should work on your juice box technique. I still got you beat by six seconds. MIKE Six seconds? CAPT MILANO That's it for today. Thank you. CALVIN Hey, Princess. Your highness. CAPT MILANO Oh, sweet. CAPT MILANO Now get your royal highness to my office, would you? MIKE The boy, Lucas, has that moody-cynical thing going on, but I think it stems from a lack of self-confidence. Ava, the six-year-old, warmed up to me pretty quickly even though she's stuck playing Princess with me. CAPT MILANO Logan, the robberies. MIKE Right. CAPT MILANO What are you finding out about the robberies? MIKE Sure. Um... Well, as you can imagine, the whole thing has spooked the residents. I mean, a lot of people still think that the perp is an insider. CAPT MILANO Of course they do. Okay, what else? MIKE Well, mostly, I've been working on the nannies, trying to get them to open up. Especially this one nanny across the street Jessie. CAPT MILANO Could she be a suspect? MIKE What? No. No! I mean, I can't imagine that she would be. CAPT MILANO Why? Are you into this Jessie? MIKE It's not like that, sir. And I thought you already questioned the nannies. CAPT MILANO I'm asking you, Mr. It's-Not-Like-That. MIKE Well, in reality, anybody over the age of 10 could be a suspect. And if the campaign signs are any indication, Mayor Danielson is not making any new friends over there. CAPT MILANO The robberies are killing her numbers. Check this out. CAPT MILANO She dropped, what, five points in the last week alone. MIKE Think this McNamara's any good? CAPT MILANO Well, he's got a decent rep, a fair businessman lots of charity work, good family. Who knows? Okay, Logan. Keep on it. We'll, uh, nail this crook. Well, that's all. Go bake brownies or do laundry, or whatever it is you nannies do. AVA Bye! EMMA Bye. MIKE Hey, guys! AVA I'm hungry. MIKE Uh, I put some snacks out in the kitchen. Go help yourself. AVA 'Kay. MIKE So what do you think? Bought it this morning at the sporting goods store. LUCAS What part of "I'm not interested" don't you get? MIKE None of it. I know you want this. Okay, let's do it. All right, Luke-man, let's see what you've got. Okay! All right. That's was a good start. All right, I want you to try it again but this time, I want you to square up to the hoop. Okay? That means both your feet should be pointing right at the rim. Just like that, and it's so important to bend the knees a little bit. Yeah, get a little comfortable there. When your hand’s on the ball your fingers should be nice and wide like that and it's one smooth motion up, and I want you to follow through right to the hoop. MIKE Kind of like that. Now you try. Okay? So much better! LUCAS But it didn't go in. MIKE But… but your form was way better, and you see how much closer you got? I mean, do you think Kobe and LeBron aced it their very first time? LUCAS Yeah, I do. MIKE All right. Try it again. You're doin' great. You're doin' great. That was great! Very close. Follow through. Oh! Follow through right to the hoop. Believe you can do it. You've got to believe it. Right on target! You see what I mean? That's what I'm talking about! Bend the knees and follow through. Boom! LUCAS Okay, now you're just showing off! MIKE Yeah, and you will too. Real soon. JESSIE Come on, Dean I can’t. MIKE Hey, uh, kids? Maybe you should head in and finish your homework, okay? All right? Luke-man, awesome job today. I mean it. I mean it. Great job. JESSIE Dean— MIKE Hey! Jessie! JESSIE Hi. MIKE Hi. JESSIE Mike, this is-- this is Dean Bartons. He works for Mr. Warner, at "Tires On The Go." This is Mike. He works across the street. MIKE Oh, yeah? DEAN So you’re, uh, a nanny? MIKE Yeah. DEAN Lucky man. You get to see this pretty lady all the time. MIKE Yeah. I also get to see how hard she works. DEAN Which is exactly why I keep telling her she needs to get out, have a little fun. MIKE Let me guess. With you? DEAN Hey! MIKE Hey, Jessie, we-- we got to get going. We're going to be, uh, we're going to be late for that thing-- you know, the, uh the, uh, the "Nanny-Palooza." JESSIE The Nanny Palooza! I-- I totally would've forgotten about that. Listen, Dean, uh, thanks for stopping by. I'll see you around. DEAN Count on it. JESSIE "Nanny-palooza?" MIKE I don't know. JESSIE Thanks for that. MIKE Well, he's very persistent, isn't he? JESSIE Well, you can't fault a guy for trying, right? MIKE But dating him would be, what, like a conflict of interest ‘cause he works for your boss, or...? JESSIE So what's for dinner, Mike? MIKE A mess, probably. JESSIE Well, when in doubt, go with spaghetti. It's fool-proof. MIKE That's a good boy. That's a good boy. MIKE How're you doing? Hi! Hi. I don't think we've met. I'm Mike, I'm the Bannermans' new nanny. RENEE Renee Donahoe. Hello there, Mike. MIKE I'm sorry about your husband, but I-I hear he's doing much better, right? RENEE Seems that way. And that's soon-to-be "ex-husband." MIKE Oh, I-- I didn't know, but I just moved in, so... RENEE Then you probably also don't know that your boss is Jim's divorce lawyer. MIKE My boss? Mr. Bannerman? RENEE Uh-huh. MIKE You're right, I did not know that. So, uh, should we be talking? RENEE As long as that's all we do, there's probably no harm. MIKE You're for McNamara, I see? RENEE In a big way, yeah. My husband's for Danielson, of course, but, well, that's just one more thing we disagree on. RENEE See you again neighbor. MIKE Hey! JESSIE Hey. What's going on? MIKE Just, uh, taking Chester here for a walk. JESSIE Listen, thank you for yesterday, the whole "Nanny-Palooza" thing. MIKE Always glad to help a damsel in distress. Or potential distress. That is a lot of diapers. JESSIE Well, a good nanny never runs out of diapers. MIKE And here I thought it was patience. JESSIE That is a close second. MIKE Hmm. So other than diaper-duty, you busy right now? JESSIE No. Mrs. Warner has the baby, so I'm just out and about. Why? MIKE Want to go grab a coffee? Swap recipes? JESSIE So tell me, what does "Mike the Manny" really want to be doing? MIKE What do you mean? I'm doing it. JESSIE Come on. A guy like you? This… this is just a pit stop. This isn't the final destination. Like take me. I—I love children. I love being a nanny, but I want to do something to really make a difference in their lives, really help them. MIKE And you will. No question. Me? I just-- I just go with the flow. JESSIE And so, what about-- what about relationships? You ever been married? Come close? MIKE I was engaged once, long time ago. It was a total impulse move, would've been a disaster. But we realized it and we broke it off. MIKE Pretty much ever since then, it's been me, my work, and I. With the occasional "her." By the way, no one ever told me, why did the Bannermans' nanny quit? JESSIE Cookie? Oh, she didn't quit. She was fired. MIKE Fired? For what? JESSIE Ineptitude mostly. I mean, she was sweet. She was friends with all the nannies, but she was a bit of a mess kind of flaky and possibly was skimming off the top of the expense account. MIKE Cookie had her hand in the cookie jar, huh? JESSIE Well, Mariah was really good friends with her, and she swears that it was just a rumor. And then Dean and Cookie are second cousins, which is kind of weird, but anyway, Dean's known her his whole life and he promises that she would never steal anything. Listen thanks for, um, getting me out like this. This was nice. MIKE It was, wasn't it? JESSIE Oh, no! It's Mariah's house. Gloria, what happened? GLORIA Mariah's people left for vacation this morning, so she's out doing chores, and bang! Somebody breaks in. She's talking to the police right now. MIKE I'm going to check it out. Um Maybe you guys should just wait here. CAPT MILANO All right, Miss Kingsley, if we have any more questions, we'll be in touch. MARIAH Be careful, Mikey. Your place could be next. CAPT MILANO "Mikey?" MIKE She's a fan, what can I say? CAPT MILANO Yeah, well, your "fan" remembers setting the alarm before she left, but can't swear to it, which I'd say sounds convenient, except, frankly, I've done the same thing myself. MIKE Still, it points to somebody who knows this place, or, again, at least knows the alarm code. CAPT MILANO So get inside that house. Bring the nanny a pie or whatever, nose around, see what stinks. MIKE Maybe I'll bring her some of this special meat loaf that I'm making tonight. It's turkey loaf. The Bannermans don't eat any red meat or anything like— CAPT MILANO I don't care if they eat rocks, "Mikey," just find me the perp. MIKE I'm on it, sir. Okay dig in! LUCAS I don't know whether to eat it or dribble it. MIKE Well, I made it in your honor, Luke-Man. Keep up the great hoop work. AVA Can you make one in the shape of Sleeping Beauty? MIKE That's a little bit of a tall order, but I can do my best. And, hey, don't forget we need to rehearse later for your audition. AVA Yeah. LIZZIE Thank you. MIKE Tell me the truth-- you're bionic. It's the only possible way you could have that much energy. JESSIE What? Sorry. I, uh, I couldn't hear you. I was listening to an audio textbook. For class. MIKE Like I said, bionic. JESSIE Listen. Since I have you here, do you have a minute? MIKE I have 10, then I have to help Ava with her Sleeping Beauty audition. JESSIE Nice! Do you remember how we said we should tell each other if we saw anything strange? I found it really strange and out of the ordinary. MIKE And you say you saw him standing right outside of Mariah's house? JESSIE I drove right past him, right after I ran into you. I didn't think anything of it until we got back from the park and, well, the robbery. MIKE Maybe he was a gardener, or... an exterminator? JESSIE No. I doubt it. Gardeners are Monday, Wednesday, Fridays. Pest control is every other Tuesday. Today's Thursday. MIKE Cable guy? U.P.S. man? JESSIE Uh, wearing sweat pants and a baseball cap? MIKE But you only saw him from behind? JESSIE Honestly, I can't even be sure that it was even a him. It happened so fast, but whoever it was had on a backpack, one of those camouflage ones. Do you think I should call the police? MIKE I have another idea. I appreciate you coming out this early, but you know you don't really need to be incognito. We're just kind of nosing around a little bit. JESSIE Just playing "Detective," I know, I know. I mean, it is kind of risky. The police are still investigating. MIKE And they're nowhere on this, so maybe we can help. Just us. You know, on the QT. And don't worry, I'll protect you. JESSIE It's kind of exciting. It's like Turner and Hooch, only we're both humans. MIKE I love that movie! MIKE Here we are... JESSIE Scene of the crime. MIKE Do you remember where "Backpack" was standing? JESSIE Yeah, he was right here in the driveway. MIKE Hmm. Let's go, Pups. Come on. MARIAH The family can't get back till tomorrow, but I told them "Don't rush. It's not like anyone's going to break in again." JESSIE Well, how can you be sure? MIKE They never hit the same place twice. Plus, all the big stuff is gone. Stands to reason. MIKE Doesn't it? MARIAH Yeah, those fools knew just where to look and just what to take. MIKE What window did they come in and out of? MARIAH Now, how did you know that? That it was the same window? JESSIE He's seen a lot of cop shows. Ever seen Turner & Hooch? MARIAH Hmm. That one over there. MIKE Okay. MARIAH Next, you two are going to say I robbed this place. MIKE Why would we say that? MARIAH I don't know. That's how rumors get started. How Cookie lost her job and, let's face it, handsome, how you got yours. JESSIE Mariah you're being paranoid. Cookie lost her job because she was a crummy nanny. MARIAH Girl had her issues, but she was no thief. Hand over that prize-winning meat loaf I keep hearing so much about. MIKE Right? You have to admit, when it comes to made-up detectives, nobody beats Sherlock Holmes. DEAN Hiya, Jess! JESSIE Oh, what's he doing here? Hi! DEAN I was just going to leave these for you at the door. A little something to brighten your day. Yeah. JESSIE Wow. DEAN Mike, right? How goes it, sport? I should probably get back to the shop, but enjoy, okay? Talk real soon. JESSIE Thanks. What girl doesn't like flowers? MIKE Mm. But the note can make or break the whole thing. JESSIE He says, from experience. You know what's better than flowers? Chemistry. I should get her inside. MIKE Yeah. Okay. We can, uh, play Sherlock Holmes again real soon. JESSIE Okay, you got it. AVA Bye! EMMA Bye. AVA Mike! Mike! I had a great audition! MIKE That is so fantastic, Ava! AVA And I did just what you told me to, I pretended I was Sleeping Beauty and I showed them how I'd sleep. I was so good! LUCAS Don't sell any tickets just yet. There was a lot of kids auditioning. MIKE But Lucas and I are both crossing our fingers for you! AVA Me too! MIKE All right! Hey, will you take Chester inside for me? AVA Okay! MIKE Okay, go ahead. Okay, just hold on one sec’. LUCAS What? MIKE Who put sugar in your gas tank? LUCAS What's that supposed to mean? MIKE It means, you want to talk about it? Not talking about it won't make it go away. LUCAS If Brody calls me "Lucas Puke-as" one more time, I'm going to lose it. MIKE No. Don't lose it. Okay? But do stand up for yourself. You tell him you want him to stop right now. Okay? Trust me. The biggest bullies are also the biggest babies. So... What are we waiting for? What? Nothing but net! Whoo! You nailed it! All right. Let's keep it up. KEVIN Getting a jump on the morning? MIKE Anything to get the kids out on time, you know? KEVIN Now, if you could just help me get out on time. MIKE I heard Mr. Donahoe's out of his coma. That's, uh, that's good news. KEVIN That's great news. He's actually coming home this weekend. MIKE Oh! Well, Mrs. Donahoe must be very relieved. KEVIN Renee? KEVIN I think she's probably rooting for an early demise. Uh, the Donahoes are going through a divorce. I'm Jim's attorney, so... I guess I'm a little biased. MIKE Is that weird for you? Defending a neighbor? KEVIN No. No, not really. I mean Jim and I have never really been that close, and anyway, it was his idea. MIKE Mm. So, what? He just came knocking on the door, looking for a lawyer? KEVIN It was fluky, actually. Uh, Cookie, our ex-nanny, she had a cousin who used to work for Jim and— MIKE Cousin? Dean? The guy who works for Mr. Warner, at Tires On The Go? KEVIN I don't know, Cookie never mentioned. Uh, anyway, uh he mentioned to her that, uh, he had an ex-boss that was going through a divorce, and Cookie says, "Wow, small world. My boss handles divorces,” and Jim came knocking. He probably thought I'd give him a neighborly discount. I did not. MIKE Well, good luck on the case, I guess. KEVIN Thanks. Don't, uh, don't work too late. MIKE Has anybody seen Cookie since she worked for the Bannermans? JESSIE Mariah said that she went to work for the McNamara campaign. I mean, she probably put up half of these signs. Why do you ask? MIKE Just wondering. JESSIE You think Cookie is the Poplar Point thief? Come on! MIKE Don't kid yourself, Jessie. We're all suspects. JESSIE She might've stolen a little bit of money from the Bannermans, but she's no criminal mastermind. MIKE How can you be so sure? JESSIE Elementary, my dear Watson. Hey Carly. How are you, sweet girl? What? MIKE Nothing. Just thinking what an excellent mom you'll make. JESSIE All right, let's get back to the real investigating, huh? MIKE Thanks. COOKIE Hiya! MIKE Hi. COOKIE Did you come to volunteer? MIKE Well, I was just passing by, and I wanted to see what all the excitement was about. COOKIE Oh! It is about a mayor who can protect his citizens and has a terrific new business and development plan. MIKE Sold. COOKIE Great! Pin? Oh! MIKE Oh. Oh! COOKIE Oh. MIKE Oh! COOKIE Ow! I'm so sorry. That's better. I'm a little bit of a klutz. MIKE No, you're not. You're just someone who obviously has a lot of responsibilities. COOKIE Thank you. I wish my last employer saw it that way. MIKE Hmm. What were you doing before you were a, uh... campaign superwoman? COOKIE I-- I was a nanny. Not a very good one, I'm afraid. It got complicated. MIKE Life is complicated. So, what brought you here? COOKIE My cousin knows Gil. Actually, knows somebody who knows Gil, old college buddy or something. But here I am, "outreach coordinator." MIKE Hm. COOKIE What do you say? You want to join? We could use loads of help. MIKE I'm going to think about it, but I will take you up on the button. COOKIE Sure thing. Oh! Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Again. MIKE Why don't I put that on myself? COOKIE Good idea! MIKE Okay. COOKIE Well, I hope to see you around, uh...? MIKE Calvin. COOKIE Cookie. MIKE Cookie. COOKIE Okay. Great. Bye. MIKE Bye. MIKE It was Renee Donahoe. I saw them. JESSIE Are you sure it was McNamara? MIKE Like he just jumped right off of one of his campaign posters. JESSIE Wow. Wouldn't Mayor Danielson like to know that juicy little tidbit about her "happily married" opponent? MIKE He'd probably just deny it and play the "I'll keep you safe" card. JESSIE I mean, if he'd cheat on his wife, he'd cheat on Bellingham, and he'd probably cheat to become mayor. MIKE I don't know, but if they don't catch this burglar soon, it's going to be "Hello, Mayor McNamara." JESSIE Well, all the more reason to keep playing detective. AVA Am not! EMMA Are too! AVA I am not! MIKE Hey! Whoa... What's going on, guys? AVA Emma called me a bank robber. I'm not a bank robber! I'm not an anything-robber. JESSIE Emma? Why in the world would you call Ava a "bank robber?" EMMA Not bank robber, "bankrobbed!" That's what my dad told my mom they are, 'cause they have no money. Do you have any money? See? Then you're bankrobbed. Just like me. LUCAS The word's "bankrupt," stupid. MIKE Okay! Um... Hey, girls? Why don't you go feed the ducks, okay? AVA Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! MIKE Yeah? We'll be there soon. EMMA Let's go! MIKE What was that? JESSIE The Warners don't know that I know this, but I overheard Paul telling Mrs. Warner that he filed Chapter 11 for Tires On The Go. He said that they were bleeding cash, and, evidently, Emma knows, too. MIKE No wonder he's been so preoccupied. JESSIE I just keep waiting for them to tell me that they can't afford to keep me on anymore. Then, I guess that would mean the cat's out of the bag. MIKE Might soon be anyway. JESSIE Hopefully not. Poplar Point is all about perception. MIKE Especially when your neighbors are also your clients. JESSIE Exactly. So can we just...? CALVIN Well, according to these internal records Tires On The Go is in a whole lot of quicksand. Warner's in big trouble. MIKE Which includes keeping up appearances, which takes money. From somewhere. CALVIN You sound like he's robbing his neighbors. Do you really think that Mr. Tires-On-The-Go is sneaking around Poplar Point with a pistol and a ski mask? MIKE Or maybe somebody's doing it for him. Later, pal. MIKE So, I'm driving, and I'm sitting there, literally, thinking about what I'm going to cook for dinner, and then I hit the pothole, and tire blew. DEAN Happens. A lot. Lucky for us. MIKE Hm How's business? DEAN We're hanging in there. Can't always be Christmas, right? Tire's in stock. Autograph there and there, and we'll get that tire changed out for you as soon as we can. PAUL Hey! Nanny Matt. What brings you to my humble establishment? MIKE It's "Mike," Pete-- Paul. "Mr. Warner." Had a fight with a pothole. PAUL And you lost, obviously. Well, we'll fix you right up, won't we, Dean? DEAN Absolutely, boss. PAUL And you be careful. Okay, guy? DEAN How's that gig working out for you? You know, the nanny thing. MIKE It's good. It's really good. It's hard, but very rewarding. DEAN Like getting to spend all your time with Jessie? MIKE You like her, don't you? DEAN You don't? MIKE Yeah, I do, but we kind of work together. And you work for her boss so... DEAN So you don't think that I should date her? MIKE I think that's pretty much up to Jessie, don't you? DEAN What can I say? I'm an optimist. Anyways, why don't you go grab a seat, and we'll get that minivan of yours all changed up in about 20 minutes. MIKE Hey! Let me guess-- you're here because you heard I was experimenting with Mariah's chili recipe, and you want a preview right? JESSIE Listen. I got a strange phone call from Dean. Did you go by the tire store today? MIKE Yeah. JESSIE Did you tell him he shouldn't go out with me? MIKE What? No! No. I mean... I may have mentioned that his work might get in the way but, look, look who you go out with is absolutely none of my business, and if you like this guy, then... go for it. Really. JESSIE Mike, you want to protect people, and that's-- that's great, really, but I don't-- I don't need any protection from anybody. Okay? I'm a big girl. MIKE Yeah. Sure, okay. I'm sorry. JESSIE Okay. I hope the chili's a hit. I'll see you later. MIKE Ava... What is it? What's wrong? AVA They gave the part to Tara Goldfarb! Said I could "understudy." I don't want to study! I want to act! MIKE I'm so sorry. AVA You should be! Your advice was stupid! They didn't care how Sleeping Beauty actually sleeps. MIKE Well, I mean, that was it was the only part of the whole-- Holy moly. How did you get the black eye? LUCAS By standing up for myself. Only Brody stood up bigger, faster and stronger. MIKE Are you okay? LUCAS Do I look okay? MIKE Truthfully? You look like one tough dude that I would never mess with. LUCAS You're a jerk, Nanny Mike. MIKE Can anyone guess the shape of tonight's meat loaf? It was a map of the United States. And by the way, uh Ava, you're about to eat Florida. Just saying. You know what we should do? Just for fun? Learn Sleeping Beauty's lines anyway. Just like you got the part. I'll help you out. Hey, Luke-man, I got an idea. After school tomorrow we should head down to the college, and practice a little bit on a real regulation-size court. LUCAS Why don't you keep your ideas to yourself? LIZZIE Lucas. KEVIN Hey! LIZZIE You're being rude. MIKE Okay, you guys have an awesome day at school today. When you get home, we're going to do something super-fun! Huh… Okay... JESSIE Rough morning? MIKE I have officially lost my Superman status with Ava and Lucas. JESSIE The nanny game can be brutal. MIKE Mm. Hey, I'm sorry about the other day. I really didn't mean to make you mad. JESSIE I should get going. MIKE Want some company? I promise to keep up. JESSIE Sure. MIKE Okay. I'll go lock up. You get started, and I'll catch up. JESSIE Look, Mike, I like you. You seem like a really good guy. But— MIKE Ahh! The dreaded "but." JESSIE But anything more is just too close for comfort. You know? We'd have no privacy. People would talk, it could get in the way of our work, and— MIKE And, not that I was even asking, but let's just say that I was. Are you saying that you want to play it safe rather than take a chance on the unknown? What kind of detective does that? JESSIE Not a very committed one, I'm afraid. I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE Chester, please tell me you did this? MIKE Captain? Logan. Bad news. That... there. Well... goodbye. AVA Even if it is your fault we were robbed, I don't think it's your fault I wasn't picked for the show. MIKE I was just trying to help. AVA You didn't, but that's okay. LUCAS I'm sorry I called you a jerk. MIKE I have been called way worse believe me. LUCAS I believe you, and I'm still going to try out for the team next week. MIKE Lucas, that's great! MIKE Remember square up, bend those knees... Follow through. LIZZIE Kids, can you give your dad and me a minute to speak with Mike? Thanks. KEVIN Mike, Lucas's black eye... LIZZIE We understand that, you know, these things happen, but... how, after I specifically asked you to set the alarm whenever you leave the house, could you forget? MIKE That's just it, I didn't. I did not forget the alarm. I'm sure of it. I'm…pretty sure. KEVIN Well, either way, a beat was missed on your watch, and our home was invaded. LIZZIE What if the kids had been home? MIKE But I mean, they weren't. MIKE Isn't that what's most important? KEVIN We hate this, we really do Mike but you've lost our trust. That's what's most important. MIKE Well, um... say goodbye to the kids for me. LIZZIE Of course. KEVIN We will. MIKE You can't take me off this case! I have a ton of leads, I'm zeroing in on a suspect and I finally have the trust of the people of the neighborhood! CAPT MILANO Yeah... until your family's house, of all possible houses, was robbed. I'm sending in Rosario. MIKE What? That wet blanket? She is not going to last one day at the Bannermans. CAPT MILANO Maybe a day is all she'll need. MIKE Frank, please, at least let me keep working it from here. CAPT MILANO I can't. I've already reassigned you. Have fun. MIKE "Pet psychic" fraud? What am I, in detective jail? CAPT MILANO That's all, Logan. DEAN Hey! JESSIE Hi. DEAN Been looking for you. JESSIE Yeah? DEAN You have a minute to talk? JESSIE Sure. DEAN I got you something. You like it? JESSIE Um, wow, Dean, it's gorgeous. I can't take this. It's too expensive. DEAN Just think of it as a special gift for a special woman. Go on, try it on. Jess, just give me a chance. You won't be disappointed. I promise. GLORIA Oh, Jessie! That is beautiful! MARIAH Girl, he’s got it bad. Are you finally going to go out with him? JESSIE We’ll see. MIKE I just hope Jessie doesn't end up dating Dean. She deserves a lot better. CALVIN Like, oh, I don't know, you? MIKE He shouldn't have ratted me out like that. He totally twisted my words around. Not cool. CALVIN It's simple. He pegged you as the competition, and wanted you out of the picture. MIKE Mm. CALVIN In fact, Bannermans’ getting robbed, you getting fired-- perfect timing for that dude. MIKE Couldn't have worked out better if he'd planned it himself. CALVIN Seriously? MIKE Bankruptcy can make strange bedfellows. What if Dean is doing Warner's dirty work? CALVIN Mike, I really think you've got to let this one go. MIKE Yeah, okay. You're right. CALVIN Mm-hmm. MIKE Besides, I, uh, I've got a fake pet psychic to apprehend. ROSARIO Nice try, Lucas. LUCAS "Nice try" doesn't get you on the team. Are you any good? ROSARIO Well, I played a little in high school but… LUCAS You're worse than I ever was. ROSARIO Just a little rusty, that's all. LUCAS I guess that means you can't help me practice my lay-up. ROSARIO Maybe you should ask your father. LUCAS I'll never make the team. AVA Want to play “Princess”? ROSARIO How do you do that? AVA I don't know! You just do. Nanny Mike knew how, and he was a man. ROSARIO Obviously, a very versatile man. AVA I'll play Sleeping Beauty, and you can play the ugly sister. ROSARIO I have work to do. CAPT MILANO At least we know you're not the Poplar Point thief. MIKE What does that mean? CAPT MILANO Robbery number nine just went down. See you MIKE Wait! I'll go with you. CAPT MILANO No, you won't. You're not a cop, remember? Not at Poplar Point. MIKE I'll go in disguise! No one will know. I can help. CAPT MILANO You already went there in disguise for three weeks and helped no one. GLORIA I was at the park, come home, and we're robbed. CAPT MILANO Have you noticed anyone new or unusual in the area in the last few days? GLORIA No. Nothing. At all. MAYOR DANIELSON We are taking this very seriously at City Hall. We have the police working 24 hours a day. This is something we will not stand for in our community or our city. We are going to use any resource available to us. CALVIN Driving under the influence, bad checks couple petty thefts. Pretty good hunch after all. MIKE Now we just got to get Milano to listen. CAPT MILANO Once the prints come back from the lab, we'll know for sure. Get back to the Bannermans and keep in touch with... CALVIN What are you doing? MIKE My job. CAPT MILANO Logan, we're in the middle of something. MIKE You need to run this for prints. CAPT MILANO A pen? MIKE A "Tires On The Go" pen. It's a bit of a long shot but I think it's connected to the robberies. ROSARIO The robberies you're no longer on. MIKE Fine. You know what? You give it to the Captain. If it works you can take all the credit. Just please, do it. Hey how are Lucas and Ava? ROSARIO Delightful. MIKE Good. Captain! What are you doing here? CAPT MILANO Needed to talk to you in person, in private. MIKE Okay. Sure, come on in. Sorry about the mess CAPT MILANO Uh, that's okay, I've seen your desk. I'll stand. MIKE Pizza? CAPT MILANO Logan, just listen to me. We ran that pen you gave us. A print showed up. A partial match with one from today's robbery, and some others we have on file. MIKE Dean Bartons'? You going to bring him in? CAPT MILANO I would if I could. Can't, 'cause he's gone. Vanished. MIKE Wow. Did you question Warner? Or Jessie? Jessie probably knows where he is— CAPT MILANO No. That's your job. MIKE Wait, what are you saying? CAPT MILANO Nanny Mike is back in business. You're returning to the Bannermans. MIKE Really? What about Ramos? CAPT MILANO Long story short-- they hated her, missed you, want you back. Tomorrow morning, first thing. The agency told the Bannermans you're starting a new nanny job, but will stay until they find someone else. Uh... is that pepperoni? MIKE Yes, it is. Go ahead. CAPT MILANO Hmm. ROSARIO Just so you know, I'm still going for that promotion. MIKE Just so you know, you can have it. I'm here to crack a case and to watch out for a family. AVA Nanny Mike! You're back! MIKE Hey! Aww... LUCAS That lady was such a loser. I had to teach her how to play basketball. AVA She wouldn't play "Princess" with me. And her meat loaf looked like poo. LUCAS Will you come to my tryouts later? MIKE Yeah! You got it, man. AVA And my play after? MIKE Wait! You're in the play? LIZZIE The school just called. Tara Goldfarb got the chicken pox. MIKE What? But what about all the dialogue? AVA I did what you said, I pretended I got the part, and I learned all the lines. All by myself! I'm going to be a star! KEVIN Not if you don't get to school on time. MIKE All right, guys! Go, go, go! See you later! AVA Bye! LUCAS Bye! MIKE Bye! Hey, Luke-man! Remember, you got this! LUCAS I know! You know why? You. LIZZIE We overreacted after the robbery. We are so sorry, Mike. Forgive us? MIKE Absolutely. KEVIN Welcome back, Mike. MIKE Great to be back. LIZZIE We're late, as usual. There's your key. We'll meet you tonight at… at the kids' events. Meanwhile, the kitchen is a total disaster. So… MIKE No worries. I got it. LIZZIE Thank you. KEVIN Yeah, thanks, buddy. MIKE Have a great day! KEVIN Bye, babe. Love you. LIZZIE Bye. You too. MIKE Hey. Chester, hi. Hey, buddy. Stay right here. I'll be right back. Okay? I'll be right back. Hey, hey, Mr. Warner. PAUL Well, look who's back on the block. MIKE Yeah, you look like you're in a bit of a hurry. PAUL Yeah, it's a madhouse at work today. MIKE Oh. PAUL Well, see you later, Matt. MIKE Uh, it's Mike, actually. Is Jessie at home? PAUL Jessie? Nah, I haven't seen her all morning. She's probably out buying diapers or something. MIKE "A good nanny never runs out of diapers." PAUL Yeah. Well, she's gone, my wife's with the baby I'm running late. That's all I know. MIKE It’s a madhouse at work, huh? Yeah, right. MARIAH Oh! MIKE Miss me? MARIAH What do you think? GLORIA It was great to have a "manny" around! MIKE Oh! Thank you. Hey, have you guys seen Jessie recently? MARIAH Not since the break-in at Gloria's. GLORIA Maybe she ran off with that Dean. MARIAH Oh… yeah. MIKE With Dean? What are you talking about? MARIAH Well, boy gave her a fancy bracelet. I would've said yes. MIKE What kind of bracelet? GLORIA Twisty gold thing, little diamonds. Must've cost a pretty penny. MARIAH Yeah. He didn't snatch it out of some box of Cracker Jacks, that's for sure. MIKE Yeah, I bet he didn't. What a guy. Anyway, I've got a house to clean, so I'll, um, I'll see you guys later. Okay. GLORIA Sure. MIKE Yeah, it's Logan. Listen, meet me at Tires On The Go, and bring back-up. PAUL Matt. What are you doing here? MIKE For crying out loud. It's "Mike." Where's Dean? PAUL That's what I'd like to know. Today, of all days, he's a no-show. MIKE You're lying. I know he's here. PAUL What are you talking about? And who are you to call me a liar? You're just a nanny. MIKE Is that right? PAUL And what's that? MIKE This is exactly what it looks like. And I know you hired Dean to rob Poplar Point to get you through bankruptcy. So where is he and where are you holding Jessie? PAUL Jessie? I already told you, I haven't seen her. W-What's this all about? Oh. Oh, okay. Yes my company is currently under Chapter 11 and if you really must know, yeah, I'm broke, but I don't know any more about these robberies than, frankly, it seems that you do. What have you been doing this whole time, anyway? Playing "Undercover Nanny"? Mike, Mike you don't have to do this. All right? I may not be the nicest guy in the world, but I've never cheated anyone, ever. Maybe if I had cheated I wouldn't be going to bankruptcy court. MIKE Don't ever say that anyone "is just a nanny" ever again. You got that? Nothing here, guys. Let's move on. CAPT MILANO Logan, what the heck is going on? MIKE I think I'm onto something. Just follow me. CAPT MILANO Okay, let's go! Let's go! McNamara Headquarters? What is this, Logan? MIKE You can fire me if I'm wrong. CAPT MILANO I can fire you if you're right. MIKE Fine. You ready to catch this guy or not? CAPT MILANO Calvin hold back and follow Logan's lead. You other guys, just hang out here. COOKIE Okay. Thanks. Calvin! Welcome back. Did you come to volunteer? That's great! We're super-swamped and we can— MIKE Where's Dean Bartons? COOKIE What? Who's Dean Bartons? MIKE Your cousin. COOKIE I don't have a cousin Dean. I do have an uncle named Don, but he lives in Spain, so that's prob-- Calvin, who are these people? CALVIN Mike... why is she calling you Calvin? MIKE Cookie, please direct us to Dean Bartons and Gil McNamara or we will arrest you on suspicion of the Poplar Point burglaries. COOKIE So that's a "no" on volunteering, then? CAPT MILANO You got 10 seconds, ma'am. COOKIE Okay. Follow me into our warehouse. Excuse me. Excuse me. Go ahead. They're up there. CAPT MILANO Keep an eye on her. CALVIN Hey, grab her! MIKE Hey! Stop her! CALVIN It's locked! CAPT MILANO Your star witness just locked us in. You're killin' me, Logan. CALVIN Check upstairs! MIKE Okay, it’s wedged in. Help me. COOKIE It's me, Cookie! Open up! Don't ask any questions. Just get her out of there. Now. MIKE Hey! JESSIE Cookie, I can't believe that you're a part of this. Mike? M-- MIKE Cover the back! CAPT MILANO Everybody out of the van! Get out! Out! Out! CALVIN Everyone! Let's go! Everyone out! Let's go! CAPT MILANO Let's go! DEAN Okay, okay. CAPT MILANO Come on, get over there! Get over! JESSIE Mike? What are you doing here? DEAN Yeah, that's what I'd like to know! CAPT MILANO Captain Frank Milano, 19th Precinct. Let's uncuff this lady. MIKE Sir. Yes, sir. JESSIE Mike, why are you with the police? MIKE I've been working undercover as a nanny to help solve the robberies. Are you okay? JESSIE Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? You're a cop? MIKE A detective yeah. A real one. DEAN I knew it! I knew that there was something wrong with this guy! CAPT MILANO Great, now how about telling us what's been going on here? MIKE Allow me. Captain, this is all about politics. McNamara was down in the polls and so he needed to cook up some kind of scandal to sabotage Mayor Danielson. What better way to do that than a string of robberies right in her own backyard to show that the Mayor couldn't even protect her own neighbors? And through his good buddy, Paul Warner, McNamara found the perfect guy to do the actual stealing Dean Bartons. MCNAMARA You are way out of line, pal. MIKE Meanwhile, Dean here's so sadly trying to get Jessie out on a date, for, like, forever decided to bribe her for a date with a fancy gold bracelet. Is that the one? JESSIE That's the one. MIKE The bracelet that he took from the Bannermans when he robbed the place a couple days ago. DEAN I didn't rob anyone! And that bracelet was not a bribe. JESSIE Oh, give it up, you liar. I went over to Dean's the other night, to return the bracelet. I told him that a gift like that didn't feel right like it didn't feel right to go out with him. I can’t take this. It's too much. It doesn't feel right. And then before I knew it he was accusing me of accusing him of stealing it. DEAN What doesn't feel right? I mean, you're acting like I stole the bracelet or something. JESSIE And so I finally said, "Well, did you?" MIKE What'd he say? JESSIE Nothing. He just glared at me like he was going to take my head off, and that's when I saw it. It was the camouflage backpack. I tried to run, I tried to scream, but he was too fast, and he pulled me inside. He locked the door. MIKE Dean obviously called McNamara and told him that Jessie was onto them and took her to campaign headquarters, panicked, locked her in the Winnebago until they could figure out what to do with her. CAPT MILANO That's abduction by the way. CALVIN I'm curious, how did you bypass all the home alarms? MIKE Cookie? You want to take this one? COOKIE When I started at the Bannermans' I had awful credit card debt. Like scary awful, and I mentioned it to Dean… MIKE Your cousin. COOKIE Oh. Step-cousin. Well, he told me that he would pay off my credit cards if I could get him some information that he needed to, well work his way into a few houses. I was so desperate so I-- JESSIE So she befriended the nannies. She would walk us home, for coffee chitchat, while secretly memorizing the security codes on the alarm systems. She even found made her way into the Donahoes' while skimming money from the Bannermans, making copies of their keys. COOKIE Wow. Jessie, you are good. Yeah, something like that. MIKE I mean, I could go on, Captain. Like about your affair with Renee Donahoe-- CAPT MILANO Okay. That's enough. Good work... Sergeant Logan. Hey! MIKE Okay-- CAPT MILANO Hey, hey, hey, hey! MIKE Drop it! DEAN All right, just drop your guns and let me go! MIKE Dean! CAPT MILANO Put them down. Down, down! MCNAMARA What are you doing? MIKE Take it easy! You got him? Jessie, you okay? JESSIE Yeah. MIKE You sure? JESSIE Yeah. CAPT MILANO Let's get these crooks to the station. MIKE Are you okay? JESSIE Yeah. Yeah. You… you saved my life. MIKE Hey you weren't doing so bad yourself right there! What, do you take self-defense classes, too? JESSIE Just every other Saturday. MIKE Of course you do. I am-- I am really, really sorry that you had to go through all this. JESSIE Looks like I needed your protection after all. Thank you, Sarge. MIKE I didn't want to lie to you. I really didn't. I was just-- I was just doing my job. JESSIE Well, listen, you seem like a really good cop. Almost as good a cop as you are a nanny. MIKE Well, you know, I am a pretty big stud with a juice box, thanks to you. Hey! I got to-- I got to go! The kids' events are, like, happening right now. JESSIE Okay. MIKE Um... You want to come with me? I mean, it'll be fun. JESSIE Uh, yeah, after 15 hours of that, I'm in. It sounds fun. MIKE Great. Great, and then maybe later, we could just go out for a nice, romantic dinner no kids, no cops, no robbers just... just us. JESSIE Just us? I like the sound of that. MIKE Let's go.