BARRY_ZUCKERKORN BUSTER_BLUTH DEBRIE_BARDEAUX DOCTOR GEORGEMICHAEL_BLUTH GEORGE_BLUTH_SR GOB_BLUTH JOHN_BEARD JONI_BEARD KEYSTONE_COP_1 KEYSTONE_COP_2 LOTTY_DOTTY LUCILLE_BLUTH MAEBY_FUNKE MA_BARK MICHAEL_BLUTH MURPHY_BROWN OSCAR_BLUTH PARADE_CLOWN PARADE_ORGANISER PARADE_SPECTATOR_1 PARADE_SPECTATOR_2 PARADE_SPECTATOR_3 PARADE_SPECTATOR_4 PARADE_SPECTATOR_5 POLICE_OFFICER PRISMO_AUTOMATED_ASSISTANT PRISON_INMATE RETIREMENT_HOME_RESIDENT RON_HOWARD SALESMAN SALESMAN_2 SALESMAN_3 SALLY_SITWELL STAN_SITWELL STEVE_HOLT TOBIAS_FUNKE TONY_WONDER TV_REPORTER WARDEN RON HOWARD Gob had been preparing for a parade illusion, to allow him to reunite with Tony Wonder. SALESMAN Here it is. SALESMAN 2 Christian magician goes into one closet, gay magician into the other, they spin around, then you come out of the opposite closets, okay? Except now, he's straight and you're gay. SALESMAN You can go back and forth the whole parade. SALESMAN 3 GOB BLUTH I love it, but the big question is, will Tony? I mean sometimes, I'm really into something and he hates me. SALESMAN SALESMAN 3 Well, there's only one way to know. RON HOWARD And so Gob called a man he had tried to forget by purchasing a closet conversion store in the first place- it's hard to explain. GOB BLUTH GOB BLUTH Yeah. GOB BLUTH Okay. GOB BLUTH Okay. GOB BLUTH Okay. GOB BLUTH Sure. GOB BLUTH He's in. SALESMAN 3 Yeah! SALESMAN Yeah! SALESMAN 2 Yeah! GOB BLUTH And breath a word about this to anybody and you're fired. RON HOWARD Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything. And the one son who had no choice, but to keep them all together. RON HOWARD It's Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Lucille was visiting Buster for the first time since his incarceration. WARDEN Five minutes. LUCILLE BLUTH Well, I'm not going to be the one who apologizes if that's what you're waiting for. BUSTER BLUTH Well, I'm sorry but- LUCILLE BLUTH Apology accepted. BUSTER BLUTH WARDEN No, you said it. You said, "I'm sorry." LUCILLE BLUTH You said the words. BUSTER BLUTH Did I exaggerate about her? PRISON INMATE She really is just like the mother in "Two and a Half Men." LUCILLE BLUTH No, you did not- BUSTER BLUTH Start watching that show? Yes, I did, mother. And you lied to me. There's no scary half man that I couldn't handle. LUCILLE BLUTH I don't approve of that show. BUSTER BLUTH Well, there's a lot of stuff I've done in this prison that you might not approve of. I touched a mouse, I read an illustrated Quran for kids. And at recess once, I sat in blacks only. LUCILLE BLUTH Yard. BUSTER BLUTH I don't know why I keep doing that. BUSTER BLUTH But maybe what you really don't approve of is me. LUCILLE BLUTH If you must know the truth, I'm not thrilled with you. BUSTER BLUTH Okay. LUCILLE BLUTH The last time I saw you, you told me, you didn't need me anymore. BUSTER BLUTH Okay so, I'm to believe that's what your upset about? Not that you think I'm a murderer or that I touched a mouse? LUCILLE BLUTH I happen to know for a fact, you're not a murderer. LUCILLE BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH What? LUCILLE BLUTH Lucille two's fine. But she can't come back right now. BUSTER BLUTH You know where she is? LUCILLE BLUTH I know who she's with, and that's all I can say. BUSTER BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH Well, why don't you say it to someone to get me out of here? LUCILLE BLUTH I can't do that right now. You'll just have to sit tight and trust me for a little while longer. BUSTER BLUTH So it's like that again. History repeats. LUCILLE BLUTH You remember that? BUSTER BLUTH I remember you paying me off by letting me go to the fourth of July parade, but I'm a man now. Paying me off isn't going to be that easy. BUSTER BLUTH You'll need the warden's permission and then you'll have to sponsor me for my furlough and they probably won't let me on the float again but that's just my thing. LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, God, it's still the parade, is it? We're still talking about it. BUSTER BLUTH Oh, we're talking about it. LUCILLE BLUTH Buster, please. The parade's in two days, the whole city will be there. The last thing this family needs right now is a Bluth in a chain gang picking up trash. BUSTER BLUTH Well, it's either that or I'm gonna start spewing it. BUSTER BLUTH And your job's not gonna be easy since, of course, I got dinged because I screamed, "turn it off" after they showed the half man. BUSTER BLUTH It's like they need another reason to call me. LUCILLE BLUTH Half man? BUSTER BLUTH Jon Cryer. LUCILLE BLUTH RON HOWARD Soon George Michael sought out Maeby, where she was living as the sexagenarian, Anette. MAEBY FUNKE Oh, one minute. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH It's me. MAEBY FUNKE Oh, where are my glasses? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH It's me. MAEBY FUNKE Oh, they're right on top of my head. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH It's me, it's me. RON HOWARD Who wasn't feeling very sexogeneric. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Hey. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH So, you're not going to believe this. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH What are you doing? MAEBY FUNKE I'm doing another scrub and run. My sex date is tonight and there's no other way out of it. And honestly, if I wanted a hairless lover, I'll probably go underage rather than overage, you know? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH What's that? MAEBY FUNKE No. I mean, not that I would do it on purpose, I'm just saying if I had a gun to somebody's head. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH If you had- MAEBY FUNKE What do you want me to do? You want me to shoot a kid? What kind of monster are you? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH I'm not sure how I became the monster there- But what happened to your plan to make Anette forgetful? Like she can't keep track of things to get out of the date. MAEBY FUNKE Well, it ended up having the opposite effect. RON HOWARD Because when Maeby showed up late, she saw something troubling. KEYSTONE COP 2 Close the door Charlie. Come on, let's go. STAN SITWELL Oh, what a relief. I thought you disappeared on me. MAEBY FUNKE STAN SITWELL STAN SITWELL STAN SITWELL Thank God. MAEBY FUNKE Before I could even act confused, he already called the cops. RON HOWARD Well, not exactly. They weren't cops. STAN SITWELL This is wonderful, I've always wanted to be a Keystone Cop. It would be my honor to wear this handlebar mustache on the second of July parade. KEYSTONE COP 1 That's right, it's your first parade not playing the jailbird. So you should know those can be tricky to stick on. STAN SITWELL Hey, I think I know what I'm doing. KEYSTONE COP 1 I know what I'm doing. MAEBY FUNKE And these were like senior guys, you know. Long coats. MAEBY FUNKE He's not gonna let her go. Which means, I have to. MAEBY FUNKE Goodbye, Anette. MAEBY FUNKE Goodbye two hour teeth, they make it look like I'm smiling so I don't have to. MAEBY FUNKE MAEBY FUNKE And you, I'll miss you most of all, neighbor's pain medication. I never even got the chance to. MAEBY FUNKE No, I'll just take you with me. MAEBY FUNKE So, now that you found out your dad's sneaking around with your girlfriend, looks like you need a roommate too, huh? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH No, that's what I came to talk to you about. He wasn't going to see Rebel in Mexico, the whole thing was just a crazy paranoid idea. MAEBY FUNKE Who knows where we get these ideas from right? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Well you, I got that from you. It's always from you. MAEBY FUNKE Oh, yeah, I was going to say that sounded like one of mine. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, so I was going down there to catch my father in this lie an it turns out that I was the one caught in a lie. Because there's a picture of the stair car in Mexico. RON HOWARD Something George Michael discovered while trying to be honest with his father... on the way to purchasing 12 new tires. MICHAEL BLUTH So, George Michael why did you follow me down here? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH The truth? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH I-I thought you were coming down here to meet Rebel. MICHAEL BLUTH Come on, I'm so over Rebel. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH You were lying about so many other things, Pea Soup Andersen's, and being at the barbecue. MICHAEL BLUTH No, no, you're right. How about starting right now, no more lies. BARRY ZUCKERKORN That doesn't include me though, does it? MICHAEL BLUTH No, no, no. you'd be out of business. And by the way, Barry you had the best lie of all, saying that they had a picture of- of Lucille two, and Oscar and the stair car. BARRY ZUCKERKORN That is not a lie. You said, keep it as real as possible. MICHAEL BLUTH Prismo, texting mode. PRISMO AUTOMATED ASSISTANT Self drive on. MICHAEL BLUTH This was real? If they've got this, there's no reason for them to hold Buster and they know it. Did you know about this, dad? GEORGE BLUTH SR Are you kidding? Thanks to your mother, I can't even feel your son on my lap. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Can I see that dad? MAEBY FUNKE So Lucille two is alive? Great. That's another reason, I got to get the hell outta of here. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH No, it wasn't her, it was us. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH From when we went to Mexico with Steve Holt. Don't you remember how we got there? RON HOWARD It was just after Cinco when Maeby suggested fleeing the country. MAEBY FUNKE I know Mexico sounds far from Perfecto. MAEBY FUNKE Screw it, no rules, anything goes. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Just the cousins. MAEBY FUNKE Hey, why don't we take that? STEVE HOLT Primos! GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH So anyway, now my dad and everyone else thinks that they have proof that's going to exonerate Buster, that I know isn't true, and I'm not sure whether I should- MAEBY FUNKE Lie to him. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH What do you think? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Oh. Okay, you just told me. Really? Even though we just left the stair car there when it broke down. I mean, what if they find it? MAEBY FUNKE I'm sure somebody got it working and it's long gone. MAEBY FUNKE And it's not like you're actually lying to you dad. You're just letting him believe something that isn't true. MAEBY FUNKE You know, like how people think the world's melting because people drive cars, or that Hillary should continue to roam free. RON HOWARD And Maeby realized she had something else to say goodbye to. MAEBY FUNKE Goodbye Fox and Friends. RON HOWARD Meanwhile Lucille was growing concerned, that her daughter Lindsay wouldn't be back in time for the parade. TV REPORTER SALLY SITWELL I think the more important question here is, where is my opponent, Lindsay Bluth? SALLY SITWELL Maybe she's hiding behind this wall she wants to build. If she does indeed show up at the parade, I will be very surprised. SALLY SITWELL Though I may not look it. No further questions. GEORGE BLUTH SR Hey hey. LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, George, I've been worried sick. GEORGE BLUTH SR About Buster being stuck in, in that jail. They are making him a patsy, parading him around, frightening the masses before the Fourth of July. LUCILLE BLUTH It's on the second this year, and being in the parade was his idea, like it was in 1982. We're trying to get Lindsay elected, and Buster wants everyone in the world to see him in an orange jumpsuit. GEORGE BLUTH SR So he'll be out in public. LUCILLE BLUTH I don't want to tell you what I had to give the warden to make that happen. GEORGE BLUTH SR I don't want to hear it. LUCILLE BLUTH Meanwhile, we still don't have a Lindsay, and Sally is calling us out about it. We've got this elaborate float to help distract from the fact that there's no stair car this year and nobody to put on it. LUCILLE BLUTH RON HOWARD Fortunately, Tobias was finally calling. LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, thank God it's Tobias. LUCILLE BLUTH You better have found my daughter. Sally is now in the race and she's pointing out that no one has seen Lindsay in a week. TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, I didn't want to get your hopes up, but I'm in Mexico and I have found Lindsay. LUCILLE BLUTH LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, thank God. TOBIAS FUNKE to be very stubborn. Oh damn it, I just did exactly what I said I wouldn't do. Anyway, I'm at Ma Bark's, and she tells me, Lindsay should back this afternoon, before I'm out of my postal plumage. Of course, when she does come back, I'll still need to get her into the car. LUCILLE BLUTH Well, say whatever you need to. TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, I was thinking I would just say, "Your mother is so sorry she upset you." LUCILLE BLUTH Out of the question. TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, it felt a little out of character. TOBIAS FUNKE How about, I just make it about me. It's incredibly important to me and my life. LUCILLE BLUTH Where is this going? TOBIAS FUNKE and if you do this for me, I'm sure Lucille will make me a permanent member of the Bluth family. That way, you're not lying to Lindsay- LUCILLE BLUTH You are. Well, that sounds like the best of our diplomatic options, but you're in Mexico for God sake. Please tell me you prepared a few against her wills. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, my gosh, I do miss that wit, mother. LUCILLE BLUTH It's Mrs. Bluth, I wasn't joking and you're right. We need her standing and dressed and ready for the parade. TOBIAS FUNKE On it. In the meantime, wow, what a trip! Murphy Brown saw an armadillo, men held us up at gunpoint and I got to dress up as an ost- RON HOWARD It would be five minutes before he would realize she was no longer on the phone. LUCILLE BLUTH RON HOWARD And as Tobias awaited bringing Lindsay home, Maeby was reluctantly leaving hers. RETIREMENT HOME RESIDENT You're Anette's granddaughter aren't you? MAEBY FUNKE Yeah, I am. MAEBY FUNKE I'm getting outta here, saying goodbye to her. RETIREMENT HOME RESIDENT Well, she's in good hands. Stan would do anything for your grandmother. If that woman told them to jump off a bridge, he would. MAEBY FUNKE He would, wouldn't he? RON HOWARD And she found herself feeling reflective. MAEBY FUNKE Naw, I love this place. I'll just tell him it's over, and kick him out. RON HOWARD It was the second of July, and the Funkes had just finished working off their water and phone day. MURPHY BROWN I buried all the dead ostriches. Anything else you'd like Ma Bark? MA BARK I guess you earned your shower. TOBIAS FUNKE This thing does not breathe. MA BARK I'll tell you, who doesn't bitch like that, your son. I'll give you 500 bucks cash for this youngin right now. RON HOWARD And maybe that's when Tobias learned what it meant to be a father. TOBIAS FUNKE My son is not for sale. MURPHY BROWN Thanks dad. MA BARK Then shower's off. There's your wife. Now you can both go. TOBIAS FUNKE Lindsay? DEBRIE BARDEAUX Tobias? TOBIAS FUNKE Debrie? DEBRIE BARDEAUX No. You were right the first time. DEBRIE BARDEAUX I've been pretending to be Lindsay the past few months, on account of Marky's face blind. But Marky's buying it. DEBRIE BARDEAUX You should hear him, "Oh, Lindsay, you've let yourself go. Oh, Lindsay, why'd you stop showering?" TOBIAS FUNKE You're missing some back teeth there. DEBRIE BARDEAUX Yeah, just like that. But I don't think I can be Lindsay anymore, they're so critical. And I fall apart at criticism, and Marky doesn't see me for who I really am. TOBIAS FUNKE I see you for who you are. Debrie Bardeaux. A first-class Lindsay Bluth impersonator. Now let's go to Newport Beach and you could be Lindsay there. DEBRIE BARDEAUX Oh, I can't go back to Newport, 'cause that's where Marky's heading right now. To protest the second of July of parade with a paint bomb. DEBRIE BARDEAUX You know what, I could go to Newport. RON HOWARD And soon preparations for the second of July parade were underway. TOBIAS FUNKE Let's do it. LUCILLE BLUTH Tobias, where the hell is Lindsay? We're 20 minutes from float off. But at least nobody's noticed that the stair car is not here. RON HOWARD And that's when Sally arrived in a float that would make sure they did notice. SALLY SITWELL Well, hello. What do you think of the new stair car? I had to make one, because yours disappeared. LUCILLE BLUTH Sally Sitwell! Well, you're no stranger to stuffing tissue places when you don't have the goods. SALLY SITWELL Well, what we don't have is the candidate that would've been Lindsay's opponent. But we made one and put her up top. SALLY SITWELL Although she's not as hollow as your candidate. Oh, where is she? LUCILLE BLUTH She went off somewhere to pretty herself up for the parade. Aren't you in it too? Tick-tock, the sun is nobody's friend. SALLY SITWELL Speaking of which, where is that friendless son of yours? Buster? Is it true, he's in prison? LUCILLE BLUTH Well yes, in the Keystone Cop skit, in your father's old role. BUSTER BLUTH RON HOWARD Something Buster had only discovered. POLICE OFFICER Bluth, you're not on cleaning detail. RON HOWARD moments earlier. BUSTER BLUTH What? Is this because I accidentally choked Ron Howard, because they already made me pay for that. POLICE OFFICER They chopped your hand off? BUSTER BLUTH No, they just downgraded me to a manual. Listen, I don't mean to name drop, but mother was supposed to have already arranged for me to follow the parade. POLICE OFFICER Sorry, I got a note from the warden himself. You're in the cage on the Keystone Cop float. BUSTER BLUTH What? BUSTER BLUTH You mean I'm in the parade? BUSTER BLUTH Are there dressing rooms for the talent? SALLY SITWELL Oh, well, at least Buster's being held. Which is more than he had as child. RON HOWARD Sally wasn't that sweet after all. LUCILLE BLUTH When this is all over, lets get coffee. RON HOWARD And Tobias made sure his son was occupied while Debrie prepared for her role as Lindsay. TOBIAS FUNKE Okay, Debrie is to be filming, and I will leave you here, and what could be more exciting then to be backstage at a parade! MURPHY BROWN MURPHY BROWN Been watching theparade! TOBIAS FUNKE No, with the curb huggers, no. I meant for one whose dream it is to be a clown. MURPHY BROWN Oh, yeah, 'cause he'd be like, this is the one place where I'm not embarrassed of my dream. TOBIAS FUNKE Hey, no, never apologize for your dream. MURPHY BROWN No, I was- I was making fun of the guy. TOBIAS FUNKE What guy? MURPHY BROWN Whose dream- whose dream it is. TOBIAS FUNKE It's your dream. We just talked about dreams, and you said you could unicycle and juggle. MURPHY BROWN Oh, that's because my uncle, he taught me that stuff, when he used to come over to cheer me up on Father's Day. TOBIAS FUNKE Robbie knows how to juggle. MURPHY BROWN Who's Robbie? TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, yes off course. You wouldn't know my brother. PARADE ORGANISER Are you one of our parade clowns? MURPHY BROWN M- Me? I'm too shy. TOBIAS FUNKE No, yes, yes he- y- yes he is. Yes. This is uh, Relucto, the apprehensive clown. MURPHY BROWN No, I'm not, what are you doing? TOBIAS FUNKE There's the catch phrase. PARADE ORGANISER Let's get you into a chair. TOBIAS FUNKE Well, I- I bet right now there's- there's a very, very jealous man out there who would- who would give anything to- to trade places with you and get up on that- Oh I can't, because I have to be her husband in that stupid Lindsay float. PARADE ORGANISER Come on, let's go. Let's go. RON HOWARD Meanwhile, Gob was second guessing his float as he waited for Tony Wonder, who had yet to show up. GOB BLUTH Damn it! MICHAEL BLUTH Hey Gob, have you seen mom? GOB BLUTH No, um, hey, how would you like to have me in a double closet sexuality switch, two hander, float illusion, no credit no money. Oh, and you turn gay. MICHAEL BLUTH I'll pass. GOB BLUTH Yeah, that's why I thought of you. Look, we're gonna pull out of here in five minutes, and Tony's not here. What if he doesn't show? MICHAEL BLUTH Gob, you'll be fine. You remember high school commencement, when they asked you to represent all the kids that were being left back? GOB BLUTH Mm-hmm. MICHAEL BLUTH And then you had to quickly find a replacement for Buster who was too afraid to be sawed in half. GOB BLUTH So you're saying, nothing's worse than the sound of the dogs screaming? MICHAEL BLUTH Or, I just bet, you're not a very good magician. RON HOWARD And that's when Gob noticed a less discerning brother, who also happened to be his former magician's assistant. GOB BLUTH Hey. BUSTER BLUTH Hey. GOB BLUTH Oh. GOB BLUTH Sup? BUSTER BLUTH Sup. GOB BLUTH Listen, I'm glad you're here. I might need you to fill in for Tony Wonder in my illusion. It's gonna involve you being put into a small confined space and you come out gay. BUSTER BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH If that's a swipe about me being in prison, I understand that. GOB BLUTH Oh, right, you're in prison. What are you doing here? BUSTER BLUTH Mom arranged it. Although it is nice to be able to see family again, because not to be rude. But you didn't visit me in- GOB BLUTH Oh, there's a dog! RON HOWARD And Tobias and a nervous Debrie approached Lucille to pitch their deception. LUCILLE BLUTH Tobias! And if it isn't, what is it again? La Trashe? DEBRIE BARDEAUX Hello again. LUCILLE BLUTH Those last few teeth aren't going without a fight, are they? DEBRIE BARDEAUX Thank you. LUCILLE BLUTH So where's Lindsay? You said you had Lindsay. TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, but it turned out to be the professional actress Debrie. LUCILLE BLUTH The only acting this one's good at is feigning interest in her drug dealer's hobbies. DEBRIE BARDEAUX You do see a lot of aquariums. TOBIAS FUNKE But she was coming off a three month run as Lindsay, in front of a sold out audience. TOBIAS FUNKE of one face blind man. The point is, if she can fool him, why not have her violate federal election guidelines by fooling the entire electorate as the next representative of the great 48th congressional district of Cali-forni-a. TOBIAS FUNKE Upon a float, where unless she gives a perfect performance, she goes to jail for fraud. LUCILLE BLUTH Fine, you've left me no choice. Maybe if you turn away from the bleachers, and cover your face with your hand. I'm sure that's not the first time you've been told that. DEBRIE BARDEAUX Oh, God, no. I can't do this, that- this is why I gave this up. I'm shy. TOBIAS FUNKE No no- You- No you can, you can do this. DEBRIE BARDEAUX No. No, no, no, I'm shy. I'm really shy. TOBIAS FUNKE You can. You can't be this critical. Not too shy, not shy. TOBIAS FUNKE No, happy, good. Good happy. Good happy, not sad. DEBRIE BARDEAUX No, I'm good, happy, sad, sad. JOHN BEARD Radiators float off in five minutes! DEBRIE BARDEAUX TOBIAS FUNKE Don't worry Lucille, I've got this covered. DEBRIE BARDEAUX I- No, no, no, I'm shy. LUCILLE BLUTH Just get her up there. DEBRIE BARDEAUX I'm shy. I'm shy. RON HOWARD And so the parade finally began. Although finally might not be the right word, because it was still two days before the fourth of July. And one day before the big fireworks show on the third. JOHN BEARD Welcome to the third annual, second of July, Fourth of July parade. JONI BEARD To start the festivities, please welcome the Milford Academy marching band, known throughout the state as California's quietest marching band. JOHN BEARD Let's all be perfectly still, and see if we can hear them. MICHAEL BLUTH There you are. RON HOWARD And Michael finally caught up with his mother. MICHAEL BLUTH Hello mother. LUCILLE BLUTH Michael, please tell me you're back, no one new has been arrested and that your father is on the way, but first a kiss. MICHAEL BLUTH LUCILLE BLUTH There are cameras everywhere. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, that- something that you ought to have thought off with regard to Lucille Two and Oscar in Mexico. LUCILLE BLUTH I can't believe they were so stupid as to flee town in the stair car. MICHAEL BLUTH Mom, come on. You knew, that Lucille Two was with Oscar, and you let your son sit in prison instead of telling anyone. LUCILLE BLUTH Knew? Michael, I can't- I mean, the thought that I wouldn't run to the DA the moment- MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, come on, please. LUCILLE BLUTH The tis- The tissue. MICHAEL BLUTH You haven't needed a tissue since Nixon resigned. I think that you asked Oscar to take her out of town, didn't you? I think that you needed her out of the country, so that you could, what? Plunder her business? LUCILLE BLUTH Now listen. Nobody was hurt, everybody is getting what they deserve. MICHAEL BLUTH Buster's in prison. LUCILLE BLUTH No. He's in the parade, he's just playing a prisoner. LUCILLE BLUTH At least that's what it looks like to everyone here. LUCILLE BLUTH Look, I did what I have to do to save this family. There are things you don't understand. But he'll be out soon. I did three years in prison because of Buster. He can do a few weeks for me. MICHAEL BLUTH Well guess what? He's gonna be out a little bit sooner than you think, because I'm gonna go to Lotty Dotty, and I'm gonna call her on this photo. LUCILLE BLUTH Michael, you stay away from that DA. She's a killer despite what she may seem. So, there's nothing you can do. LUCILLE BLUTH The DA's office is closed until after the fifth. Now please. We're family. You stay out of my life, I'll stay out of yours. MICHAEL BLUTH Hm. LOTTY DOTTY Thank you. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, I guess there is nothing that I can do then. JOHN BEARD You know, I have to believe, I'm- I'm not sure that the- JONI BEARD Yes. I've just been given the signal, that the band has finished playing. JOHN BEARD Ah, well, that's terrific, I'm sure they were great, let's- Let's give them all a big hand. JONI BEARD Oh, might be too late for that, looks like their van just pulled out. They will be neither seen nor heard next year. RON HOWARD As it turned out, Lotty Dotty was heavily guarded. And that's when Michael, who had done some light unicycling in college, came up with a plan that just might make it seem like he was part of the parade. LOTTY DOTTY MICHAEL BLUTH Hi, excuse me. do you mind if I, if I just- RON HOWARD Although, a less complicated plan emerged. PARADE CLOWN MICHAEL BLUTH Um... JONI BEARD Looks like the DA guards are leaving their post to tend to him. MICHAEL BLUTH This is gonna be less humiliating. All right, excuse me Lotty. Mrs. Dotty, I'm Michael Bluth. Do you mind if I just parade with you for a like just a minute? PARADE CLOWN LOTTY DOTTY Oh, you must be Buster's brother, hop in. MICHAEL BLUTH I am Buster's brother, yes. LOTTY DOTTY Oh, so how can I help you? And please make sure to wave. MICHAEL BLUTH Huh? Yes, hi. Um, so, does the DA's office make a regular practice of holding people under suspicion of murder and victims that are clearly still alive, huh? LOTTY DOTTY LOTTY DOTTY We're not holding on murder charges, it's a tampering case right? MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah well, if there's no crime then what has he tampered with? Lucille Austero is clearly alive after the moment that she disappeared, you know, that- that's my uncle Oscar, my- my mother just confirmed it. LOTTY DOTTY Oh, and we couldn't find him either, so, the missing victim and the alibi and what we thought was the scene of the crime. MICHAEL BLUTH Yes. All here, all in one picture. LOTTY DOTTY Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. I mean what can I do? How can make this right? MICHAEL BLUTH Well, you gotta- you gotta release my brother from prison. LOTTY DOTTY We did. MICHAEL BLUTH You did? LOTTY DOTTY I mean, he has to be processed out. But he wanted to be in the parade. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh. Well, he looks to be enjoying himself. Okay, well, I'm glad that we talked this through though. You know, this is um- LOTTY DOTTY I'm so glad I've met you. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. LOTTY DOTTY I guess I should say I'm lucky I didn't have to face you in a court of law. MICHAEL BLUTH Maybe someday we will. LOTTY DOTTY Yeah, I mean, if it turns out that's not really Oscar and Lucille in the picture. MICHAEL BLUTH Right, yes. And you find a crime scene. LOTTY DOTTY MICHAEL BLUTH I- I- I've injured a clown. You don't wanna hurt a clown, so I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna help the clown. Goodbye. LOTTY DOTTY Be careful. JOHN BEARD Next up, is a double closet sexuality switch two hander float illusion, brought to you by our friends at Laguna Closets. RON HOWARD But with Tony still missing, Gob, hurt and alone, was forced to use his weakest talent. GOB BLUTH GOB BLUTH Hey, does anyone have a dog? I. RON HOWARD Thinking on his feet. GOB BLUTH No? Oh, forget it. So I guess, happy fourth. Naw, well, I guess. JOHN BEARD Well, the magician just seems to standing there, doing nothing. JONI BEARD Uh, you'll get used to it. PARADE SPECTATOR 5 C'mon, show us some magic! RON HOWARD It appeared that Tony had missed the parade, but whether he did so intentionally was something Gob was just beginning to wonder. TONY WONDER Did somebody say, "wonder"? GOB BLUTH Tony. TONY WONDER You sinner! He's Gob the Christian magician. GOB BLUTH And he's Tony Wonder, the hot gay one. GOB BLUTH And as a Christian magician, I know that gay people can change. PARADE SPECTATOR 3 Boo! TONY WONDER And as the hot gay one. I know we can't. Girlfriend. GOB BLUTH Except, in the world of magic! TONY WONDER Magic. RON HOWARD And so the two men began their double closet sexuality switch two hander float illusion. Surrounded by paid protesters meant to depict both sides of a culture war that kind of ended a few years ago, didn't it? GOB BLUTH Tony. Here we go. JOHN BEARD Well, it looks like the straight magician is going into a messy closet. And the gay magician, well, he's going into one that's neat as a pen. GOB BLUTH Kinda thought that you weren't gonna show. TONY WONDER Hey man, look I know you're still upset, all right? I screwed up, okay? I know we were supposed to hang out and see each other on the fourth of May and take Forget-Me-Nows. I just chickened out man. Plus there wasn't a fourth of May this year. GOB BLUTH Crowd! TONY WONDER Look, I feel bad about the whole thing. I mean you said this was an important gig, and I figured I had to show. GOB BLUTH Yeah, well the truth is, this was never about the gig. I did this whole thing just to see you one last time. TONY WONDER Wow. Well the truth is for me, I kinda did the same thing for you. I mean, I just wanted the chance to see you one last time and say goodbye. TONY WONDER Crowd! GOB BLUTH If you really feel that way, maybe we don't have to say goodbye. GOB BLUTH TONY WONDER What do you mean? GOB BLUTH I mean the problem was, like you said that we couldn't be together, without branding each other's taint. TONY WONDER No, it's- eh, tainting each others brand, but same diff. GOB BLUTH Diff. TONY WONDER Same- GOB BLUTH Same- TONY WONDER Same diff- GOB BLUTH But if you- Oh. GOB BLUTH Oh, I thought you were gonna, you're gonna say one more? TONY WONDER No, it's okay, we don't have to always be in sync, I mean- Crowd! GOB BLUTH Crowd! GOB BLUTH But what I'm saying is that if this trick shows off like I think, and the yahoos in the stands don't realize that all we're doing is just folding some clothes and slipping through our trap doors and crawling under the floats to switch closets. Then- TONY WONDER Right, and you come sacheting out like Ms. Barry Zuckerkorn. GOB BLUTH And you're as straight as Bob Loblaw at a high school prom. TONY WONDER I don't know who that is. GOB BLUTH Oh, he's an attorney we were forced to use one year and he. I guess he likes 'em young. But uh, we pull this off and we got a show, man. We can hit the road together. You know, just hotels and. TONY WONDER Right. Right. GOB BLUTH Share a room or. TONY WONDER Yeah, um. TONY WONDER There's only one problem with your plan, I don't have a trapdoor in here. GOB BLUTH What? GOB BLUTH Well, come on! So we're just two men, who went into a closet and changed coats? GOB BLUTH All right, well this is an audience of people too stupid to get out of town on a holiday weekend. They're not gonna expect this thing to take a twist. RON HOWARD But another twist had been planned that Gob knew nothing about. GOB BLUTH So, we'll just, you know, well, pull one from the old magic playbook. We'll sell it with our smiles. By the way, I can't wait to see you out there. GOB BLUTH Same! GOB BLUTH Who's straight now? GOB BLUTH I wonder if my friend straightened out his act. GOB BLUTH Tony, get out here, man. GOB BLUTH Tony? GOB BLUTH What the? JOHN BEARD Laguna Closet Conversion wants me to make it clear that, quote, their conversion service is not what you think. They convert closets like, organize. RON HOWARD And George Sr. caught up with his wife. LUCILLE BLUTH I'd offer you a seat, but this is a new purse. JOHN BEARD I can't imagine who would think otherwise. GEORGE BLUTH SR I'm actually good here. RON HOWARD And after talking politics. GEORGE BLUTH SR So did we, we get Lindsay? LUCILLE BLUTH If you squint, we may just get away with this, George. GEORGE BLUTH SR You know, it might be the- the last drop of the estrogen speaking, but I uh, I lost the land in Mexico. LUCILLE BLUTH What? How? GEORGE BLUTH SR I, I missed some payments, and then uh, the- the Mexican Romney’s, they showed up and they took it back and they said, no refundo. And they speak English, they're- they're Mexican, but they are Romney’s. LUCILLE BLUTH George, without that land, our whole plan falls apart. GEORGE BLUTH SR I know. LUCILLE BLUTH The Chinese will expect Lindsay to support a wall we can't afford to build. GEORGE BLUTH SR Right. LUCILLE BLUTH She has to lose. GEORGE BLUTH SR She has to lose. LUCILLE BLUTH Yeah. Damn it George, why didn't you tell me that at the cottage? GEORGE BLUTH SR I- it happened in Mexico. LUCILLE BLUTH I mean, when you came back. GEORGE BLUTH SR I just, I just came back. I was parking the Winni. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find five open spaces on parade day? JOHN BEARD Well, here now is congressional candidate Lindsay Bluth. LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, no. Here comes her float. People are going to love it. RON HOWARD In fact, Debrie, fearful and self conscious, was hiding from the crowd. Ironically embodying the person she was meant to impersonate. LUCILLE BLUTH She does capture Lindsay. JONI BEARD I'm not sure what she's- uh, trying to say John. JOHN BEARD She wants to keep Muslims out of America? JONI BEARD Or in? JOHN BEARD Well, they're certainly getting a rise out of this crowd. RON HOWARD It was a message that was easily interpreted through the lens of one's particular bias. PARADE SPECTATOR 1 She's a Muslim. PARADE SPECTATOR 2 She's disrespecting Muslims. PARADE SPECTATOR 3 She's a ghost. PARADE SPECTATOR 4 She's disrespecting ghosts. RON HOWARD But equally hated by all. LUCILLE BLUTH We may just get away with this, George. RON HOWARD And George Michael arrived looking to finally be honest with his father. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh! George Michael. George Michael. Hey. Hi. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Dad. Hey. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Hey, hey, listen um, you know that picture of the two people on the stair car? MICHAEL BLUTH Do I know it? I just used it to get Buster out, okay? MICHAEL BLUTH I didn't go through channels, I didn't ask Barry, I just fixed it. You know, you got to be straight with people, nothing bad can ever come of that. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH That's me and Maeby. MICHAEL BLUTH What is me and Maeby? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH In the picture. MICHAEL BLUTH This is a, bald man and a woman with spiky black hair. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Well, I'm not proud of this, but we.. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH We were wearing the Ron Howard-Brian Grazer wigs from the Imagine gift shop. MICHAEL BLUTH That's you? Why would you do that? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH We were playing. MICHAEL BLUTH What were you playing, Ron and Brian? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Go to Mexico. MICHAEL BLUTH What's that? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Ron and Brian go to Mexico. MICHAEL BLUTH Was the name of the game? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH We were bored, you don't get it. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, I knew it was a bad idea to spend my Imagine bucks on those wigs. MICHAEL BLUTH You've got the stair car though, the cops were looking for it, you found it? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH W- It was right next to the house after Cinco. Dad, listen I think you better go to the DA and be straight with her about this. MICHAEL BLUTH Should I tell her that my son and my niece were Ron and Brian? GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Go to Mexico. MICHAEL BLUTH Go to Mexico? No. I'm not telling her that, she seems uh, very happy now, and- and- and Buster is almost free. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH I'm sorry dad, I shouldn't have told you the truth. MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. MICHAEL BLUTH But I do think that we should make a one time exception to the rule, always be straight with everyone, hm? I mean honesty is always the best policy, but uh- GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH It's just not the only one. MICHAEL BLUTH It's one of a bunch. RON HOWARD But unfortunately for Michael, the man who was supposed to be with Lucille Two in Mexico wasn't that far away after all. And had a plan of his own to make it seem like he too was part of the parade. GEORGEMICHAEL BLUTH Okay. RON HOWARD A plan that we've decided to present in the style to which it harkens back. RON HOWARD It was. RON HOWARD On the next Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Maeby finds the man she had previously tried to get away from, horribly injured. MAEBY FUNKE Let me through. Let me through, I know him. I never got the chance to tell him. I never even got the chance to tell him. MAEBY FUNKE It's over, I'm breaking up with you. MAEBY FUNKE Oh, and I need your keys. RON HOWARD Buster, unaware that he has only a few days left in jail. BUSTER BLUTH What's happening? RON HOWARD is also unaware, he's part of a prison break. OSCAR BLUTH It's uh, part of the act. BUSTER BLUTH Oh. Anything for the kids. RON HOWARD And risks 30 years for the crime. OSCAR BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH The parade really starts thinning out around here. RON HOWARD Gob, abandoned and confused, can't get back in the closet. JOHN BEARD It seems as if the Christiany fellow is now a gay man, and by the looks of things. he'll be staying that way. GOB BLUTH Tony! GOB BLUTH Tony! JOHN BEARD What a surprise. JONI BEARD Not to me. GOB BLUTH Tony! RON HOWARD Sally, all but sure to win, visits Stan in the hospital. SALLY SITWELL It's called "safety hair." SALLY SITWELL Practically undetectable. They tell me John Travolta wears his even when it isn't tailing. STAN SITWELL No, no, no. Some clown throws so much as a peach pit at your clanks and everybody knows. No, you want to keep me safe, lets build that wall. Those Bluths are dangerous, I'm telling you. SALLY SITWELL Yeah, I guess they do have us by the short wigs. RON HOWARD And Tobias, desperately tries not to lose his most recent Lindsay. TOBIAS FUNKE Help! Please, we need a doctor, it's an emergency. Hi, it's us again. Help! Did you redo the floors here? Help, we need a doctor. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh boy, it's okay, she's usually on pain pills. DOCTOR I'm gonna call it. Looks like she's been stiff for about 18 hours. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, no, no, she's very much alive, she just crashed through a papier-mâché wall. DEBRIE BARDEAUX I was under the impression that if you're carried in, they put you immediately on the morphine drip. TOBIAS FUNKE That's what we've been told before. DOCTOR It's okay, look, we prioritize according to need. TOBIAS FUNKE Off course, here. DOCTOR Oh. Okay. I- TOBIAS FUNKE TOBIAS FUNKE Help! Please! It's a higher priority emergency. Help! Oh, bullshit you didn't redo these floors, they look amazing. TOBIAS FUNKE Help! DOCTOR Gotta stop coming up this way.