BARRY_ZUCKERCORN BUSTER_BLUTH DISGRUNTLED_RIDER_1 DISGRUNTLED_RIDER_2 DISGRUNTLED_RIDER_3 DISGRUNTLED_RIDER_4 GEORGE_BLUTH_SR GEORGE_MICHAEL_BLUTH GOB_BLUTH ICE_CREAM_MAN LINDSAY_BLUTH_FUNKE LUCILLE_BLUTH MAEBY_FUNKE MARKY MICHAEL_BLUTH MURPHY_BROWN OSCAR_BLUTH PEG PRISMO_AUTOMATED_VOICE PRISON_GUARD REBEL_ALLEY RON_HOWARD SALESMAN SALESMAN_2 SALESMAN_3 SALLY_SITWELL SHAMAN STAN_SITWELL TOBIAS_FUNKE TONY_WONDER RON HOWARD Michael and the family attorney were visiting Buster in jail. BUSTER BLUTH I take it Mother's not coming. MICHAEL BLUTH Mom? No. Couldn't make it. BUSTER BLUTH Why is that? MICHAEL BLUTH She said that I can make up whatever reason I want. You tell me what is easiest on you. BUSTER BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH Hmm. No, it's too mean. MICHAEL BLUTH I think you're entitled, Buster. BUSTER BLUTH She hates you, Michael. MICHAEL BLUTH We'll use that one. Sure. BUSTER BLUTH Mm-hmm. BARRY ZUCKERCORN I think that mothersjust cannot accept the idea that they've raised someone who could do something so vile. BUSTER BLUTH BARRY ZUCKERCORN In my case twice. Well, two times allegedly. Hey, this falls under client-attorney privilege, right? BUSTER BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH Mother's disgusted by me. MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. BUSTER BLUTH She thinks I didn't just tamper with the evidence of Lucille two disappearing, she thinks I tampered with Lucille two. MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. BUSTER BLUTH She must think I'm guilty of what, murder? BUSTER BLUTH Either that or she's busy frolicking on the beach with Dusty, her trophy son. MICHAEL BLUTH Don't say that. BARRY ZUCKERCORN I should never have put that image in your mind. The good news is you thought I said the word frolicking. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay, I don't think it's that either. I think she knows more than she's letting on. Okay? Like where Lucille two actually is. BUSTER BLUTH Huh? What? MICHAEL BLUTH Think about it. She made a deal with her. Or maybe she just tricked her to-to leave town. I don't know. MICHAEL BLUTH But-But there is something going on, and I think she just needs to let that play out, even if that means you need to stay in prison a little while. PRISON GUARD No pounding! BUSTER BLUTH She holds the keys to my freedom, and she won't use it until she gets her own selfish needs met. BUSTER BLUTH Oh, it's like when she used to lock me in the bathroom for grown up selfish needs night. MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-hm. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Oh, did we have a good time. BUSTER BLUTH What? BARRY ZUCKERCORN No, it ended in tears. MICHAEL BLUTH Guys, hey, let's- let's focus a little bit. I-I'm wondering if there is a way we can get Mom to think that the D.A. is on to whatever her scheme is, you know. BARRY ZUCKERCORN MICHAEL BLUTH Like, we tell Mom that the D.A. knows where there's some evidence, and then Mom or Dad slip out and try to get rid of it. MICHAEL BLUTH And then I follow them. BUSTER BLUTH W-What evidence should we say they have, Michael? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Lucille two's head in a box? BUSTER BLUTH Spooky. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, no. Hang on. That's- It's got to be- got to be real. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Okay, so, if it's got to be real, how about the D.A. is close to locating the stair car she was last seen on. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Because I have a picture of it from a security cam or a traffic light cam. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, that's getting there. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Okay, now inside the stair car are two heads. One bald, one spiky. BUSTER BLUTH Spooky. MICHAEL BLUTH No, no, no. I loved it all the way up until the end there. I thin- I think stair car is plenty. Yeah. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Okay. MICHAEL BLUTH Listen, why don't I have the family gather at the beach cottage about three o'clock. You call me just after then. MICHAEL BLUTH You tell me that you just found out that they got the stair car evidence, and I wait for either Mom or Dad to make their next move. Any questions? BUSTER BLUTH What's the beach cottage? MICHAEL BLUTH I found out, Buster. BUSTER BLUTH Oh. BARRY ZUCKERCORN What a relief. Because I almost said "the cottage" and then I changed it to "ing on the beach." BUSTER BLUTH Yeah. BUSTER BLUTH It's frolicking. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Frolicking. RON HOWARD Now the story of a wealthy family, who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. RON HOWARD It's Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Michael group-texted his family to meet at the cottage, but accidentally included. MAEBY FUNKE You made it. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Gangie's renting this place? RON HOWARD his son. MAEBY FUNKE No, this is her place. It's been in the family forever. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH And they never told either of us, huh? MAEBY FUNKE Oh. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Says Maeby here. MAEBY FUNKE What? How dare they keep track of my height while not telling me. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-hmm. MAEBY FUNKE So. How did it go with Rebel's family? You guys seemed really buddy-buddy on Instagram. MAEBY FUNKE I also saw that that hair thing backfired, huh? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, it was great, though. You know, I mean, they're just such a nice. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Well, I don't want to use the word "family" 'cause they all like each other, but they're just such a nice group of people. I think I really do like her. MAEBY FUNKE Isn't it still weird with your dad? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Well, maybe that was just me. I mean, the main thing I'm worried about is that she might have been seeing her ex all summer. MAEBY FUNKE Your dad? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. On- on the movie set down in Mexico. MAEBY FUNKE Didn't your dad say he was down in Mexico, too? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, well they shoot a lot of things there. MAEBY FUNKE Mm-hmm. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Anyway, I'm not gonna see her for the next few days 'cause she's going down to Mexico for some reshoots. MAEBY FUNKE Reshoots?She must not be a very good actress then, huh? MAEBY FUNKE Let's hope she gets it right this time. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Well, she's not perfect, but, uh, at least she doesn't turn my stomach to see her eat an ice cream cone and. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, speaking of that. How are things going with your guy Stan? Did he ever finish that ice cream cone after I looked away? MAEBY FUNKE I don't know. I threw away all the ice cream. But not to make you jealous, turns out we are dating. MAEBY FUNKE For some reason he wants to wait till after the election to be what he likes to call "intimate." RON HOWARD In fact, Stan was waiting so there would be no scandal. STAN SITWELL You got to try this new eyebrow glue. You can eat soup again. RON HOWARD Until his own daughter joined the race. SALLY SITWELL STAN SITWELL So, have you thought about what I asked? You have to run for office. SALLY SITWELL You're the one who said we couldn't risk it with- with Lucille two missing. STAN SITWELL That's the best part. She's gone. I'm dating this woman who's a real gossip hound. STAN SITWELL Somehow she got intel that Lindsay Bluth has skipped town. But the Bluth's are running her anyway. SALLY SITWELL Oh, it would be nice to oppose Lindsay's sudden interest in building this awful border wall. STAN SITWELL Which was my idea. SALLY SITWELL SALLY SITWELL I have to say, Dad. I'm surprised you're taking such an interest in this race. STAN SITWELL Well, if you tried the new eyebrow glue, you could look surprised, too. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH So he expects sex after the election? What are you gonna do? That's in, like, two days. MAEBY FUNKE I know. I mean, I can't let the guy see me naked 'cause not to brag, but, you know, there's not a lot of 75-year-old women who got a body like this. You know? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I don't think that's bragging. MAEBY FUNKE Wow. Well, I guess you are jealous, huh? MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, I'm still waiting to hear back from Barry, so I-I don't have too much new information yet. LUCILLE BLUTH Barry's probably trying to mitigate the damage you caused by taunting Buster with a skinhead. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay, you got to blame Buster for that. I mean, say what you will about Ron Howard as a filmmaker, but the man is not a Nazi sympathizer. RON HOWARD Gee. Thanks. GOB BLUTH Well, I've heard some things about what's really going on in that Crinch movie he made. You know that anti-Christmas thing with the Whoish people? MICHAEL BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH Sure, well. I don't know what you want me to say. I offered to talk to the D.A. You shut that down. LUCILLE BLUTH Lottie Dottie Dah? She's a shark, Michael. I don't want you swimming anywhere near her. GEORGE BLUTH SR Especially after you tried to drown yourself in the bay the other day. MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-hmm. We're sticking with that, huh? MICHAEL BLUTH You know, Mom. I-If you're- if you're not gonna bail out Buster, the least you can do is go visit him. LUCILLE BLUTH And risk having a story come out that I went to a prison to visit my son before the election? That would be very bad for Lindsay's campaign. MICHAEL BLUTH So the plan is to run her even though she's not here? LUCILLE BLUTH Yes. Especially now that Sally's in the race. MICHAEL BLUTH Got it. LUCILLE BLUTH Tobias better find Lindsay before the 4th of July parade, which is on the second. MICHAEL BLUTH The 4th of July parade is on the second? LUCILLE BLUTH Yes. They moved it because they don't want the Hispanics to get even by using up all the supplies a day early like we do with Cinco. GEORGE BLUTH SR Yeah, and good luck using the 4th of July fireworks on the third, because we will have done it on the second. GOB BLUTH By the way, guys. As far as the Bluth company float goes- I bet you guys are thinking, uh, will he, won't he. GEORGE BLUTH SR Willy Wondy? MICHAEL BLUTH Who's Willy Wondy? GOB BLUTH Will he, won't he do magic on our float. LUCILLE BLUTH Won't he. GOB BLUTH Tony? Did you say Tony? LUCILLE BLUTH Won't he. GOB BLUTH Wonder. GEORGE BLUTH SR No. GOB BLUTH Wh- Why are you trying to say Tony Wonder? MICHAEL BLUTH No one's saying Tony Wonder. GOB BLUTH Stay out of it, Mike! Why are you saying Tony Wonder? Is he doing a trick or something? LUCILLE BLUTH No one's saying that or asking anything! GEORGE BLUTH SR GOB BLUTH Good. Let's keep it that way. GOB BLUTH Anyway, you're probably saying or wondering- now I'm doing it. GOB BLUTH Why I won't be doing a magic show on our float. And the answer is: GOB BLUTH because I've been asked to do so on another float. LUCILLE BLUTH GOB BLUTH It's a great company called Laguna Closet Conversions. Do you know those guys? MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-mm. GOB BLUTH It's, uh It's not what you think. They just do- They, like, convert closets to, you know, like organize and stuff. MICHAEL BLUTH Who would think anything different? RON HOWARD This geo bead did. SALESMAN So, what do we have to do to get you into a closet, huh? GOB BLUTH Wow, youyou guys don't mince words, huh? RON HOWARD After realizing his friendship with Tony Wonder was over. GOB BLUTH TONY WONDER I-I don't think we can actually hang out. I mean, I'm the flaboyant gay magician, you're like the super straight Christian magician. RON HOWARD Gob, desperate to push his feelings back into a closet, decided conversion therapy was the only answer. GOB BLUTH I guess- I guess we're different. RON HOWARD Although it's worth noting. GOB BLUTH In the same way. RON HOWARD he didn't do a lot of research. SALESMAN Plus it's really great for your resale value. How's your resale value now? RON HOWARD Gob didn't want to let on that he didn't know what resale value was gay slang for. GOB BLUTH I've never had any complaints. SALESMAN 2 Well, let's talk about you. The more we know about you, the happier you're gonna be with your results. GOB BLUTH I love Tony Wonder. GOB BLUTH Guess you want the details. Anyway, it's. RON HOWARD Gob told the closet salesmen all about his night with Tony and how devastated he was by being ghosted. GOB BLUTH GOB BLUTH my brother Michael walked in, and I had to waste my roofie on him. GOB BLUTH But he doesn't even remember. GOB BLUTH Him with my. GOB BLUTH Guess that's how we're different in the same way. SALESMAN Yeah, well, I think we should put him in the Catalina Cedar Walk-In with the pocket doors and the- and the floor lighting. RON HOWARD And that's when Gob realized his mistake. RON HOWARD But keep in mind we edited, like, an hour out of this. GOB BLUTH What are the confidentiality laws concerning people who walk into a closet store? GOB BLUTH They're kind of sane and, you know, they just, they listen and they're good- And they work for us now 'cause I bought the company. MICHAEL BLUTH Ha. Oops. Hang on. This might be him. It is. Barry. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Michael, I'm calling you. I got new info. It can be whatever you want to say I'm saying. MICHAEL BLUTH I understand, so you are saying. BARRY ZUCKERCORN I-I'm not saying anything. I didn't think I had to. MICHAEL BLUTH I see. What does that mean discovered? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Oh, they're listening, right? If they're listening just say "dog shit." MICHAEL BLUTH Mm. What you said, I would repeat. But the family is here, and I just- I want to make sure that-that I don't get it wrong. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Get it wrong? Just say "dog shit." MICHAEL BLUTH They, uh, apparently they know where the stair car is, and they might even know where Lucille two is. Which means they will talk to her and we'll get all this sorted out. MICHAEL BLUTH Did I get that right? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Well, w-with two heads in it. One spiky one and one bald one. MICHAEL BLUTH No, that's plenty. Thank you. Good job, Barry. BARRY ZUCKERCORN You know what's funny? In the 30 years that I've represented this family, that is the first time anyone has said the words "good j- MICHAEL BLUTH Well, listen. If that's all true, they might be closer to figuring all this out than we thought. RON HOWARD And now Michael had to just sit back and wait for something out of the ordinary to happen. GEORGE BLUTH SR Um. GEORGE BLUTH SR Uh, I'm gonna take off. And I'll check back on you later and we can, uh. LUCILLE BLUTH Uh, can I speak to you privately for a moment? MICHAEL BLUTH Oh. Yeah, you-you gu- You need to speak privately? LUCILLE BLUTH Oh, it's just so mundane. I don't want to bore everyone. It's just so mundane. MICHAEL BLUTH Sure. Listen, I'll get out of your hair. RON HOWARD And Michael went to stakeout the parking lot. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, Dad. Wait. You're leaving? You- MICHAEL BLUTH Hey. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You never even said, uh, hello. Or good-bye. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, well, I just. MICHAEL BLUTH Thank you. Thank you for coming out. Um. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, no. I was- I was glad to come out because I-I have some good news. Um, do you still need that 50 grand for Buster's bail, because I can get that now from the business. MICHAEL BLUTH No. No, no, no, no. I told- I told you I'm not- I'm not- I'm not gonna be taking your money. And it's- and it's 75 grand that I'm not gonna be taking 'cause the- the bail went up. Buster tried to strangle a, uh... Well, he technically did strangle a skinhead. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, very cool. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. I guess, in a way. Uh, but listen, now that we're talking about money, I just- I want to tell you how I couldn't be more proud of what you've been able to do with the Fakeblo- thing. MICHAEL BLUTH But with this kind of success, it puts a target on your back, okay? People are gonna see you, they're gonna think, "Hey, here comes the next Steve Jobs." And they're gonna want, I mean. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Jobs. MICHAEL BLUTH Jobs for sure. But they're also gonna want money. And I don't want you to just be throwing it away. Not just at family. MICHAEL BLUTH I want you to be careful with friends, too. You know. New friends. A girlfriend that might be trying to slow things down. MICHAEL BLUTH Isn't that what you- Isn't that how you described it? Isn't that what you told me? Huh? Yeah. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH With Rebel? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH She just works a lot. She's in Mexico right now. But we're- we're better than ever. Actually, you know that money that I mentioned, that was from Rebel. You know, to- to be a friend and- and support me. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, boy. There's some of that Hollywood BS. There it is. Right there. That's how they use people. MICHAEL BLUTH That's just the culture out there, and I want to make sure you don't give too much away. Make sure you don't change yourself. You don't change your look to be a part of the gang. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You talking about my hair? MICHAEL BLUTH Why'd you dye your hair? RON HOWARD George Michael couldn't tell his father that he'd attempted to dye his hair pink to push Rebel away. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, I guess, you know, so- so Rebel would think that I was cool. MICHAEL BLUTH I see. GEORGE BLUTH SR Wow, look at this. Three generations of Bluths in one place. Anybody have a camera? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Have one on my phone. MICHAEL BLUTH GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, no. It's just a figure of speech. I got to run. MICHAEL BLUTH Where you off to, Dad? I can run some errands. Need a hop on? GEORGE BLUTH SR No thanks. Personal business. Heading northward. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. I'm actually complete opposite direction. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, where you heading, Dad? MICHAEL BLUTH Uh, west. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Well, I'll- I'll hang out with you at the, uh, beach. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, uh. No. Why-Why did I say west? East is where I'm going. Northeast. Northeast, actually. It's, uh. I'm going up a search campus. MICHAEL BLUTH But I love the idea of you going to the beach. Do that, you know? Just make sure that it doesn't turn your hair red again, huh? And, Dad. Well, is gone. Okay, I got to go. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, how-how'd you know I had red hair? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Did you see it on Instagram? MICHAEL BLUTH Yes, I did. I did. I did. I just didn't want to, uh, to embarrass you. It showed up on my email this morning. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH So you use Instagram? MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-mm. Nope, no. Your- your uncle showed it to me. I'm, uh, you know me. I'm a 20th century guy. You can keep all that futuristic stuff. Okay? MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. Prismo, begin. User, Michael Bluth. Lost my keys. Okay, Prismo, reverse. PRISMO AUTOMATED VOICE I will, Michael. And how was. MICHAEL BLUTH Mom's ing cottage. Mom. Dad. PRISMO AUTOMATED VOICE with. RON HOWARD And so, a suspicious Michael took off after his father. PRISMO AUTOMATED VOICE blocked, and Gob. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH He was there. RON HOWARD While his own son. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Where are you going, Dad? RON HOWARD found himself feeling suspicious as well. RON HOWARD And Barry showed up at the cottage to make sure the scheme had worked. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Hello? BARRY ZUCKERCORN You are here. Why was Michael so stingy with the dog shit? LUCILLE BLUTH What are you doing here? Was Michael lying about talking to you on the phone just now? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Oh, no, no, no. That was me. I just wanted to see how Michael was enjoying knowing about the cottage. LUCILLE BLUTH You just want to know if we fell for Michael's and your little trap. It was a trap, wasn't it? BARRY ZUCKERCORN That's where you're wrong. Why would I do that? LUCILLE BLUTH Because he paid your bail and threatened to make trouble for you if you didn't play along. BARRY ZUCKERCORN That's where you're right. LUCILLE BLUTH I knew it. The D.A. has a picture of the stair car? LUCILLE BLUTH Like Lucille two would be stupid enough to disappear in a truck with her name on it? What kind of lie is that? BARRY ZUCKERCORN I totally agree with you. A good lie is head in a box. But they wanted to go with something real, so, we went with the evidence they actually had. LUCILLE BLUTH This is real? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Yeah. And he doesn't even want to use the best part. The two heads. One spiky, one bald. LUCILLE BLUTH Lucille two and Oscar. That idiot. I told him to keep her out of sight. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Yeah, well, speaking of out of sight, any idea where your husband is with that Winnebago? Because since I got out of prison, George is letting me stay there without him knowing it. LUCILLE BLUTH I don't know where he went. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Hmm. LUCILLE BLUTH Maybe he went to find Oscar, warn him about the picture. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Oh, you think he really did? Because I think the prosecution gave us this picture so that George or you would lead them to Lucille two. LUCILLE BLUTH Go find him. Track him down. Get to him before he finds Lucille two. I will not let that woman steal everything I've taken from her. LUCILLE BLUTH RON HOWARD George Sr. turned south on Coast highway. Unaware he was being followed by Michael. Unaware he was being followed by George Michael. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hello, come on. Hello? MAEBY FUNKE I think my phone's ringing. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Maeby. Hello? MAEBY FUNKE Hello? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH It's me. I know you're not old. Can we have a system where I don't have to wait the 40 seconds? MAEBY FUNKE Look, I have to be careful, okay? These are not tech savvy people. The other day, I turned the lounge TV on, and now that's my job. They call me "Buttons" now. Buttons. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH He's going to meet Rebel. MAEBY FUNKE Who? Your dad? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, I think you were right. I-I think they were together in Mexico. And I think that's why my dad has been so weird with me. MAEBY FUNKE Wow, I was just specu-lying. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, well, you nailed it, Buttons. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH And he probably made plans to see her this time in Mexico when I said my relationship was slowing down. MAEBY FUNKE You know, it's hard to believe because my niece always told me never to give away my social security number, but if it really is a free trip to Aruba. PEG Oh, you have to go, Buttons. MAEBY FUNKE Sign me up! Sorry, Peg's walking by. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Now you have to. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, and plus he lied to me about being at the Howard family barbecue. He was there. MAEBY FUNKE Wow, and I thought my parents were the selfish ones. At least my mom never tried to sleep with somebody I was da- Oh, wait. No. MAEBY FUNKE Steve Holt. Ah, but he's family. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH We've got to stop all the lying in this family. MAEBY FUNKE Tell me about it. I mean, you tell one little story to get a place to live. Next thing you know, you're sorting through your roommate's pills to figure out which one will kill his sex drive. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH What, you mean like estrogen? MAEBY FUNKE Wait, that's a thing? I mean, I was just day plotting. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Uh, you know, I'm gonna stop you right there. The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner you're into shit that even Gangie wouldn't do. MAEBY FUNKE The monster or the grandmother? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH The monster. But, yeah, I don't even think our grandmother would do that. MAEBY FUNKE Yeah, maybe it is too far. I guess I can just pretend like I have an illness where I, like, forget everything. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You mean like Alzheimer's? MAEBY FUNKE Wait, that's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny. RON HOWARD Gob, meanwhile, was having trouble forgetting someone himself. SALESMAN Okay? Now you're gonna be in the closet, but when you come out of the closet well now, you're dressed like The Thing from the Fantastic Four. RON HOWARD Which is why he was distracted as the closet guys helped him with his parade float illusion. GOB BLUTH Sorry. I'm-I'm still really torn up about this love affair with Tony thing. Which of course if you guys mention to anybody you're fired. SALESMAN Look, we can't change your feelings, okay? But we can change whether Tony is in your life. SALESMAN 2 After you left, we got to talking about you, and. Look, you're a magician, he's a magician. Go double magician. Two guys, one trick. Do an act together. GOB BLUTH God. GOB BLUTH Why are all the cute ones so dumb? GOB BLUTH Look, guys this is not that hard. I'm pretending to be a Christian magician. Tony's pretending to be a gay magician. We're like oil and vinegar. GOB BLUTH What trick is gonna have room for both? SALESMAN 3 Yes, everyone could be smarter, that's true. But what we meant was that we could book you and Tony to do a trick on our float. GOB BLUTH Yeah. A classic two-fister. GOB BLUTH And old-fahion will he/won't he. GOB BLUTH We're just gonna need the perfect trick. SALESMAN 2 We're wasting daylight. Let's do this. GOB BLUTH What did we decide on? So I- I wasn't sure what... RON HOWARD And soon George Sr. arrived at the border. GEORGE BLUTH SR Hello? MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, Dad. RON HOWARD Two cars ahead of. MICHAEL BLUTH Michael. I just thought I'd give you a call, see how the drive north is going. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, it's fine. You know, I took, uh, highway 5, so there's, you know, no view, but there's no traffic. MICHAEL BLUTH What's the bell? GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, there's this Salvation Army Santa Claus guy who's just going from car to car here. ICE CREAM MAN Ice cream? GEORGE BLUTH SR Well, stop screaming and get off the highway! Huh. Oh, there's an Andersen's Pea Soup, so I think I'll, um, I'm gonna take this guy, I'm gonna buy him a cup of soup. MICHAEL BLUTH That's George Michael. I got to go. I hope that I'm half the father to him that you are to me. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, you're embarrassing me. Thank you. MICHAEL BLUTH You should be. George Michael. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, Dad. Where are you? MICHAEL BLUTH I am- I am approaching Andersen's Pea soup. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, that's north. You said you were going Northeast. MICHAEL BLUTH Uh, well, I'm- I'm headed north then I'm headed east. Uh, otherwise you don't- you don't pass the Andersen's P.S. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, right. RON HOWARD Michael felt doubly guilty for not just telling a lie, but stealing one. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, what's that bell, Dad? MICHAEL BLUTH That's, uh, we got a Danish girl ringing a bell out here in front of, uh, A's Pea Soup. ICE CREAM MAN Ice cream? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Ice cream? What's that about ice cream? MICHAEL BLUTH No, thank you. Uh, nein danke. Big boy, I got to go. Okay? I'll talk to you later. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Love you. RON HOWARD And one by one, they made their way through the border crossing. BARRY ZUCKERCORN Oh, he's going to Father B's. RON HOWARD Which to Barry could only mean one thing. BARRY ZUCKERCORN I have time for an ice cream. Ice cream. RON HOWARD In fact, George Sr. was returning to property he used as a motivational retreat called Father B's for the first time in months. RON HOWARD And unseen, Michael snuck into his blind spot. MICHAEL BLUTH Of course this is where they'd hide Lucille two. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey. How'd Santa like his pea soup? GEORGE BLUTH SR Michael, uh, what are you doing here? MICHAEL BLUTH Trying to figure out why you lied to me about where you were going? GEORGE BLUTH SR I didn't want you to know where I was going. I was embarrassed. MICHAEL BLUTH Mm-hmm. Well, I would've been embarrassed, too, if I was making Buster rot in prison while I was hiding Lucille down in Mexico. GEORGE BLUTH SR I didn't- Luci- What are you talking about? MICHAEL BLUTH Dad, come on. I set you up. I told you that-that the D.A. found the stair car, and you took the bait and you had that private conversation with Mom. MICHAEL BLUTH And she said to you, "Make sure Lucille two stays hidden." Did she not say that? Tell me she didn't say that. RON HOWARD She didn't. LUCILLE BLUTH It's just so mundane. MICHAEL BLUTH Let me get out of your hair. RON HOWARD Lucille had something else on her mind. GEORGE BLUTH SR So What's up? LUCILLE BLUTH I know you said you wanted to check in on me, and I have plans with Dusty. And I didn't want you to find us together and get your feelings hurt tonight. GEORGE BLUTH SR So you want to hurt my feelings now instead? LUCILLE BLUTH Just to get it out of the way. GEORGE BLUTH SR Is that it or are you afraid I'll tear him in two? LUCILLE BLUTH Hey, if you could tear anything in two, you'd still have a shot at me. GEORGE BLUTH SR Okay. You want to see a real man. You're going to. LUCILLE BLUTH I know. I just didn't want you to see me with him. GEORGE BLUTH SR Don't cry. GEORGE BLUTH SR MICHAEL BLUTH Well, then, what are you doing down here? GEORGE BLUTH SR This is where the curse began. This is where that guy turned me into Oscar and Oscar into me. RON HOWARD Years earlier, when Oscar introduced George Sr. to Maca, the brothers had what they believed to be an ominous vision. SHAMAN The strong will become the weak. SHAMAN will become the strong owners of the land. MARKY Probably so they can build a border wall. So we separate the whites from the browns. RON HOWARD What is exactly what Lindsay's boyfriend wanted them to think. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Really are colorblind. MICHAEL BLUTH You don't believe that Maca does all this crap, do you? TOBIAS FUNKE George. GEORGE BLUTH SR You see that, right? TOBIAS FUNKE I have something for you. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, great spirit. That's why I'm here. My son doesn't believe. GEORGE BLUTH SR Please take his strength and give it to me. TOBIAS FUNKE It's me. Tobias. Fünke. TOBIAS FUNKE I'm still legally recognized as your son-in-law. MICHAEL BLUTH Why are you dressed like that? TOBIAS FUNKE Humorous anecdote. RON HOWARD Well, maybe I'll jump in here. After being kicked off Father B's land, the men finally found their way to Marky Bark's trailer. TOBIAS FUNKE Thirty. MURPHY BROWN See, I can never remember that. MURPHY BROWN Could really use some water. TOBIAS FUNKE Well, it was worth it. Now you know how to do a proper spit take. Now, if Lindsay's here, let me do the talking. TOBIAS FUNKE Hello? MARKY BARK'S MOTHER No water. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, uh, we're looking for Lindsay. MARKY BARK'S MOTHER Lindsay? That dumb blonde slut my moron son keeps calling every five minutes since she came back on Cinco de Mayo? TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, yes. My wife. MARKY BARK'S MOTHER Nice girl. But you just missed her. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, well, uh. Could we wait here until she gets back? MARKY BARK'S MOTHER Normally I would say no, but the ostriches have been making a hell of a mess this past year. How's your gag reflex? TOBIAS FUNKE Well, if you mean is my son anything like his father, he's never had any complaints. RON HOWARD And Tobias explained what happened next. RON HOWARD Uh, okay, well. So, Tobias, too, was given a job. MARKY BARK'S MOTHER The mail's been piling up. You can start at Father B's. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, no, no. I can't-I can't go there. TOBIAS FUNKE The-They held me up at gunpoint, so you'll understand if I respectfully pass on going back there. MARKY BARK'S MOTHER Look, if you're that worried about it, you can wear the ostrich suit. Mark always did. TOBIAS FUNKE Oh, fun. MARKY BARK'S MOTHER Also, if you pass out, it keep the buzzards off your eyes. TOBIAS FUNKE Double fun! TOBIAS FUNKE Tuna fish sandwich. So, I got a job delivering mail for the day. TOBIAS FUNKE Yes, yes. I suppose I could've told you that from up there. But I am glad to see you, uh, 'cause your mail certainly has been piling up. GEORGE BLUTH SR Okay. TOBIAS FUNKE And this is my last delivery, so I get to put on my human clothes. TOBIAS FUNKE Adios, muchachos. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, my Viagra. See, uh, this ceased to work. MICHAEL BLUTH Since when is viagra pink? GEORGE BLUTH SR Your mom says that uh, Medicare only does the generic. MICHAEL BLUTH You know this is estrogen. GEORGE BLUTH SR Really? MICHAEL BLUTH How long you been taking that? GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, two years. MICHAEL BLUTH Two years. Isn't that about the time that Mom was in jail and started, uh. GEORGE BLUTH SR Forwarding my mail. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. Why-Why do you think she did that? GEORGE BLUTH SR I don't- Maybe she figured that if she was gonna do hard time, I should do. MICHAEL BLUTH Soft time. Yeah. GEORGE BLUTH SR But that doesn't explain Oscar. He has my mojo and all he eats is Maca. And, actually, this particular maca that grows all over this gully. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. Down the hill from that thing, huh? GEORGE BLUTH SR Yeah. It's from when I was running the executive training camp. Boy, talk about guys high on testosterone. I wish I could get some of what they were on. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. Sounds like Oscar has. RON HOWARD Having kept a safe distance, George Michael soon arrived at Father B's ranch. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH How was the Pea Soup Andersen's pea soup, Dad? RON HOWARD And assuming that his father was inside the Winnebago with Rebel, he rang her to catch her off guard when he made his move. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, where are you? REBEL ALLEY I'm in Culver City. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I thought you were in Mexico. REBEL ALLEY Uh, no. My character's in Mexico. I'm in Culver City. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh. REBEL ALLEY I'm on set. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I see. All right, well, then. I guess all that's left to say is lights, camera... action! GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Always so lovely to hear your voice. RON HOWARD George Michael knew he had made a horrible mistake and knew he had to get out of there before anyone saw him. RON HOWARD But he couldn't get to his car unseen now that Barry had arrived. RON HOWARD With the coast clear, George Michael made for an exit to avoid running into his father... GEORGE BLUTH SR I can't believe you're that suspicious of me. RON HOWARD who was right behind him. GEORGE BLUTH SR You have to trust me. I don't know where Lucille two is. MICHAEL BLUTH Dad, you know, trust is a two-way street. Okay? MICHAEL BLUTH That's Lucille two's car. GEORGE BLUTH SR I swear to you, I didn't know she was here. MICHAEL BLUTH And you're probably not impotent either, huh? We should be following her. GEORGE BLUTH SR I- I- GEORGE BLUTH SR All right, get in the ANUSTART and I'll- I'll follow. Go. MICHAEL BLUTH Follow Lucille two. If we get her, Buster goes free. TOBIAS FUNKE Ooh, triple fun. RON HOWARD And so, Michael rushed after Lucille two's Cadillac with Tobias at the wheel. Which only made his son more desperate to lose his father. RON HOWARD And none of them saw the spike strips. BARRY ZUCKERCORN I'm okay. You know, the-the bathroom doesn't work back here, so I-I peed in a Wetzel bag. GEORGE BLUTH SR What are you doing here? BARRY ZUCKERCORN I live here. RON HOWARD And the family that was chasing itself for no reason, soon had a reason to stop. MICHAEL BLUTH George Michael? What are you doing here? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Uh. GEORGE BLUTH SR Three, four, five, six, seven, eight flat tires? BARRY ZUCKERCORN Yeah. GEORGE BLUTH SR Who do we sue? BARRY ZUCKERCORN You. Till we find out who put down the spike strips. DISGRUNTLED RIDER 4 That would be us! TOBIAS FUNKE Oh. Hi. DISGRUNTLED RIDER 1 Sorry about the spike strips, but we can't always personally patrol our land. GEORGE BLUTH SR Your land? This is Bluth land. DISGRUNTLED RIDER 2 This has been Romney land my great-grandfather settled here. Along with our 18 great-grandmothers. RON HOWARD Romney land? Like Mitt Romney? DISGRUNTLED RIDER 3 Yes, we are the Mexican Romneys. DISGRUNTLED RIDER 4 All though we used to have better signs. RON HOWARD Until, as it turns out, Oscar and his friends discovered how cold Mexico was at night. OSCAR BLUTH This is America. If they don't want us to burn signs, they shouldn't write them in Spanish. DISGRUNTLED RIDER 1 Besides, George Bluth signed it over to us. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oscar. TOBIAS FUNKE Well, that's a bit much. That's very nice. I wouldn't say I deserved an Oscar, but. GEORGE BLUTH SR Hold on. I'm George Bluth. I never signed anything like that. GEORGE BLUTH SR Now perhaps before I rediscovered my manhood in a gully, I-I would've caved. But not now. I am gonna fight you for the land. GEORGE BLUTH SR Who has a pen? RON HOWARD On the next Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Gob and his new conversion buddies labor to design the perfect trick. GOB BLUTH And then we have the other one. Kind of like he said. Gay equals straight. GOB BLUTH Glittery, glittery. GOB BLUTH GOB BLUTH I need two closets! GOB BLUTH Two guys coming out of the closet! How hard is that to understand? GOB BLUTH Oh, you've got to, got to. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. You're a dear. GOB BLUTH One of them is gonna be well organized like this. The other one is just gonna be shredded all apart like this. GOB BLUTH There. Ah, that's good. That's good. GOB BLUTH It's garbage! It's all garbage! RON HOWARD Wow, that's gonna be a great show.