ASTOUNDED_MAN_5 BORDER_PATROL_AGENT BUSTER_BLUTH COP CROWD DOCTOR_NORMAN DRIVER FRIENDLY_INSTRUCTOR GEORGE_BLUTH_SR GEORGE_MICHAEL_BLUTH GOB_BLUTH HERBERT_LOVE HOUSEKEEPER_1 HOUSEKEEPER_2 JOHN_BEARD LIEUTENANT_TODDLER LINDSAY_BLUTH_FUNKE LISA LUCILLE_2 LUCILLE_BLUTH LUCILLE_TWOS_BROTHER MAEBY_FUNKE MICHAEL_BLUTH NEWSCASTER_3 PERFECTO_TELLES POSTMAN REALTOR REBEL_ALLEY RON_HOWARD SALLY_SITWELL STEVE_HOLT STORE_VENDOR SWIMMING_INSTRUCTOR TOBIAS_FUNKE TONY MICHAEL BLUTH All right. RON HOWARD Michael Bluth had been away from his family for two months, and his life had never seemed better. ASTOUNDED MAN 5 Oh! Head in the sand! RON HOWARD While living in a penthouse made famous for providing access to any information in the world, except for its own name. RON HOWARD He had found friends. MICHAEL BLUTH Jim. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, nice return there. RON HOWARD Been retrained for the modern workplace. MICHAEL BLUTH It's just one space after a period? LISA That's okay. Let's try it again. MICHAEL BLUTH I know. RON HOWARD And was learning new skills every day. MICHAEL BLUTH Hello. Hello, hi, sorry I'm late. Konnichiwa. FRIENDLY INSTRUCTOR How you doing? FRIENDLY INSTRUCTOR So, is your family joining you? MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. No. No. They will not be joining. Um, but um, maybe just, one of their kids can take a swing at me, huh? RON HOWARD And while he believed he had finally put his family behind him. FRIENDLY INSTRUCTOR Yeah, this class is really geared more to self-defense for the family, not. MICHAEL BLUTH Not from the family. RON HOWARD There were clearly some unresolved issues. MICHAEL BLUTH FRIENDLY INSTRUCTOR I get that. MICHAEL BLUTH Do you have any family on family stuff? MICHAEL BLUTH Okay, a few years ago, I would have given you the same look. RON HOWARD In those few years, Michael's life had changed quite a bit. RON HOWARD After borrowing money from a flirtatious family friend. MICHAEL BLUTH Just till I get on my feet. RON HOWARD Whose vertigo made it hard for her to stand on her own feet. MICHAEL BLUTH Bye-bye. Whoop! LUCILLE 2 RON HOWARD Michael finally started his own housing business. At the worst possible time. NEWSCASTER 3 The collapse of the California housing market is taking a personal toll. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, that's not a great sign. RON HOWARD But Michael soon had another business opportunity. MICHAEL BLUTH Am I a producer? RON HOWARD Well, it's a movie about the whole family. Although, the real heartbeat of this thing is father-son dynamic. RON HOWARD Which put Michael off the project. MICHAEL BLUTH Ron, I-I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this. RON HOWARD until a chance run-in with actress Rebel Alley. REBEL ALLEY MICHAEL BLUTH Sorry. Oops. I'm sorry. REBEL ALLEY Where's a movie producer when you need one, right? RON HOWARD put him back on it. MICHAEL BLUTH I'm a movie producer. RON HOWARD And having found his new leading lady. MICHAEL BLUTH I could just put your name in for something. I do know Ron Howard. RON HOWARD who turned out to be Ron Howard's daughter. REBEL ALLEY RON HOWARD Michael was soon acting like a movie producer, too. MICHAEL BLUTH RON HOWARD Michael's son, meanwhile, was starting a business of his own. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH See that's important RON HOWARD After claiming to have invented a new privacy software. MAEBY FUNKE So it's privacy software that's also anti-piracy? MAEBY FUNKE Do you have a way of doing this? This could be huge. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Just a boolean driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call hacker traps. It's called Fakeblock. RON HOWARD Not exactly. But it did do this. RON HOWARD And word of the white lie soon spread. REBEL ALLEY How does your privacy software work? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH It's private. RON HOWARD Garnering attention from the same actress. REBEL ALLEY Rebel Alley. RON HOWARD to whom he gave a fake name. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH George Mi- Harris. RON HOWARD And soon George Michael was acting like a well, a movie producer, too. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You wanna come in? REBEL ALLEY Yeah. RON HOWARD By the way, she was raised by a different mother than Ron's other kids. RON HOWARD A whole different thing over there. RON HOWARD Anyway, with Maeby in charge of the business, George Michael soon found himself in debt. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Uh. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Maeby, we can't afford this. And my software isn't even ready. RON HOWARD Although, he found at least one area to save money. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Maeby, you're fired. RON HOWARD And though Michael was losing Rebel to her mystery man. HOUSEKEEPER 2 Is too big. She likes small. RON HOWARD he soon got some good news. MAEBY FUNKE You're dating Rebel Alley? MICHAEL BLUTH Do you know the other guy that she's dating? MAEBY FUNKE No. I know it's over. She is dumping him. RON HOWARD Which he promptly acted on. MICHAEL BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH I just stole this fair young miss from a big-shot George Maharr. RON HOWARD But it wouldn't be long before Michael discovered who George. RON HOWARD Maharris really was. MICHAEL BLUTH RON HOWARD Something he kept to himself when his son admitted. MICHAEL BLUTH Wow. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I think it might be over. MICHAEL BLUTH Great. MICHAEL BLUTH pain fades slowly. RON HOWARD But Michael knew. MICHAEL BLUTH Quickly. RON HOWARD But Michael knew he'd have to end it, too. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH What about you? Tell me about your girlfriend. And you're producing this movie now. MICHAEL BLUTH I think they're both over. Wasn't meant to be. LUCILLE TWOS BROTHER You owe my sister $700,000. RON HOWARD This combined with a threat from Lucille Two's brother. MICHAEL BLUTH Ow! Ow! LUCILLE TWOS BROTHER I'll chase you down and find you, Michael. You can't hide in a gorilla suit from me. RON HOWARD That one's kind of hard to explain. RON HOWARD Sent Michael to a night of drinking in a desperate proposal to get his $700,000 debt forgiven. LUCILLE 2 What are you doing? MICHAEL BLUTH I'm gonna have sex with you. For money. RON HOWARD That perhaps overestimated his value. At least according to the latest Balboa Bachelor Auction totals. RON HOWARD And returning from a night with Lucille Two, which also ended poorly, Michael ran into a brother. MICHAEL BLUTH I went to go see Lucille Two and I lost control. I did something that I wish I could forget. RON HOWARD who had also done something he wanted Michael to forget. TONY Was that wax? RON HOWARD Which is how he ended up drugged. and passed out on the floor of the model home. MICHAEL BLUTH I know. GOB BLUTH Come on.Forget. Forget Michael. Forget. GOB BLUTH So easy to forget. RON HOWARD where he peacefully slept. RON HOWARD Deterring at least one badly needed buyer. REALTOR Come on in the kitchen. Now I know some of the neighbors are not to be desired. REALTOR Oh! One got in. You know, I have lots of other properties I'd be happy to show you. RON HOWARD And missing a visit from Predator Entrapment host John Beard, who had arrived to retrieve some hidden cameras RON HOWARD now that it looked like his predator hole had been fished out. JOHN BEARD Looks like his predator hole is fished out. RON HOWARD It would be another full night before a still foggy Michael would come up with a way to work off his $700,000 debt. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, Lucille Two. MICHAEL BLUTH I was hoping that we could talk about how I can repay you that loan. RON HOWARD That he'd forgotten he'd already come up with. RON HOWARD But it was the next call, to the woman he believed his son had broken up with that Michael would pause for a bit. MICHAEL BLUTH Rebel. I need to come over. The thing with the other guy, we don't ever have to talk about that ever again. REBEL ALLEY You can come over later, okay? Goodbye. RON HOWARD But there would have to be at least one more conversation. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Who was that? REBEL ALLEY No one. RON HOWARD Michael Bluth left for his date with Rebel. Surprised to find people working on what he thought was holiday. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, there. Boy, you guys don't miss a day, huh? RON HOWARD But Michael had missed two. MICHAEL BLUTH What, are you tenting the place? STEVE HOLT Yeah. Oh, hey, Michael. Yeah. We're just kind of getting everything prepped right now. STEVE HOLT Not sure if Maeby's in there or Tobias or something? STEVE HOLT Mind if we use the stairs? Gob said he heard something in the attic. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, yeah, uh, well. MICHAEL BLUTH hopefully, it's not my father. STEVE HOLT George Sr.! MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. This bug guy really knows our family. RON HOWARD So Michael went to find the source of the noise, and soon came across a reminder of a simpler time and his dream of taking his son on a scuba diving trip. RON HOWARD He'd started the boy young getting him trained in underwater communication. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR All right. Let's go over one thing. Underwater communication. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR Are you okay? Yes, I'm okay. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. I've always wanted to ask you that underwater. RON HOWARD But soon the sign language turned to some more pressing threats. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR Out of oxygen. Now that's one you're gonna need to know. MICHAEL BLUTH Mhm. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR As well as- who remembers "shark"? Huh? MICHAEL BLUTH Sure, that's easy. Yeah. Huh? SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR Manta ray. But don't do that around the shark. They eat them. You got boats. MICHAEL BLUTH SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR Jellyfish. Propeller. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR And electric eel. Ouch! Okay, what do you say? Let's hit the pool. Who's ready? RON HOWARD Ironically, it was this final threat that did young George Michael in. MICHAEL BLUTH I am. MICHAEL BLUTH You all set, son? MICHAEL BLUTH George Michael? George Michael? Hey, pal. MICHAEL BLUTH Here we go. RON HOWARD Michael soon found reminders of other scuba attempts they'd made. MICHAEL BLUTH Huh? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, yeah. MICHAEL BLUTH That was great. You conquered the pool. MICHAEL BLUTH I think you're ready for the ocean, GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I thought we were going to the reef. MICHAEL BLUTH We are. It's in the ocean. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I thought it was a restaurant by the pool. MICHAEL BLUTH Why did you think I said, "Watch out for the crabs"? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Why did you think I said, "I always get a hamburger at those places." MICHAEL BLUTH I thought you were kidding. MICHAEL BLUTH Buddy? Hey. George Michael? Oh. You've done it again. MICHAEL BLUTH There. MICHAEL BLUTH Deep breath, buddy. RON HOWARD And Michael found himself caught off guard by the fact that his son had grown right out of his childhood. RON HOWARD And by the brother who had squeezed himself right into it. BUSTER BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, God. MICHAEL BLUTH Jesus, stop. Buster? Buster? RON HOWARD Fortunately, this wasn't Michael's first "scuba scare" scare. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, Buster, pal? Shh. MICHAEL BLUTH Here we go. BUSTER BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah! Okay. Hey! Michael. Hi. BUSTER BLUTH Am I that much of a monster, Michael? Even to you? MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. Not at all. I- I just, I wasn't expecting uh, you know, a man to be sitting in a- a Scuba Jr. leaping out at me up in the attic. That's all. That's all. BUSTER BLUTH I guess that is a little strange. You should've seen your face. MICHAEL BLUTH Woo! MICHAEL BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, yeah, well. Oh, God! BUSTER BLUTH You looked like a little girl. BUSTER BLUTH BUSTER BLUTH MICHAEL BLUTH Look at that. Got a new hand? BUSTER BLUTH No, I just took the skin off. It's in the dryer. MICHAEL BLUTH All right. Buddy, you cannot be up here. Okay? BUSTER BLUTH The tent thing, I know. I mean, thank God I found some scuba equipment because they are fumigating. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. MICHAEL BLUTH The skin really muffles the sound on that. BUSTER BLUTH There's another suit over there. It's a smaller size, though. MICHAEL BLUTH Uh Th- that's my son's. We never got a chance to use it. BUSTER BLUTH Oh. Probably too young to be around the fumes. MICHAEL BLUTH No, pal. We-We were gonna use this scuba gear for-for scuba diving, you know? BUSTER BLUTH Hmm. MICHAEL BLUTH Underwater. Not to hang out in a poison cloud. BUSTER BLUTH Mm? MICHAEL BLUTH Just some father-son bonding we never got to do. BUSTER BLUTH Hm. MICHAEL BLUTH Put it on the long list of regrets. BUSTER BLUTH Well, I have plenty of those with Mom. MICHAEL BLUTH Have you? BUSTER BLUTH We used to always want to play dress-up. Her as Jackie O., me as John-John. MICHAEL BLUTH Mm. BUSTER BLUTH But we- No, I guess we did get to do that a couple of times. MICHAEL BLUTH I'm sure that. BUSTER BLUTH So I guess that isn't regret. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. Nope. It should be. BUSTER BLUTH Mm-hmm. MICHAEL BLUTH So, w-why are you here at the house? BUSTER BLUTH Mom said she asked you to look after me. MICHAEL BLUTH No. She actually didn't. MICHAEL BLUTH And-And I can't look after you. A-- A- And you cannot be here. BUSTER BLUTH Well, you can't say I can't be here and say you're not looking after me. Pick a lane, Michael! MICHAEL BLUTH I can't believe she did that with-without any consideration for what's going on in my life. MICHAEL BLUTH Hope I never do that to my own uh. MICHAEL BLUTH Um. BUSTER BLUTH Mom? MICHAEL BLUTH Son. I hope I never do that to my own son. BUSTER BLUTH Oh. RON HOWARD And perhaps it was in this moment that Michael realized he couldn't date Rebel anymore. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. Sorry. I got own problems I got to deal with. BUSTER BLUTH Well, I guess I'm a problem. Now I'm a problem. A little help; the tank's kind of heavy. MICHAEL BLUTH No, you're not a problem. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, no. I got you. Well, you found the flippers too, huh? BUSTER BLUTH No, I don't need help. MICHAEL BLUTH You don't need help or you do? BUSTER BLUTH I don't know. Pick a lane, Michael. Pick a lane. MICHAEL BLUTH You picked a lane, Buster. BUSTER BLUTH No, no, you pick a lane! MICHAEL BLUTH Come on, don't yell at me. Ow ow ow ow! Release that. Release that! Release it! BUSTER BLUTH You pick a lane. I picked a lane. RON HOWARD Now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything. And the one son who had no choice, but to keep them all together. RON HOWARD It's Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Michael arrived at Rebel Alley's apartment, determined to be honest with the enemy. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey. What're you doing here? RON HOWARD And almost immediately found himself helplessly doing the opposite. MICHAEL BLUTH I'm dating Rebel Alley. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I'm dating Rebel Alley. MICHAEL BLUTH It's like we're identical. RON HOWARD There are some moments that are hard to take back. RON HOWARD Moments that create too great a shift in dynamics. RON HOWARD An earthquake in a family that shatters both members notions of themselves. MICHAEL BLUTH Whe- RON HOWARD Like when you punch your dad. MICHAEL BLUTH I was going to get out of it. RON HOWARD And as they both began to absorb the weight of what had just happened. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, I hope I didn't. MICHAEL BLUTH It's forgotten. RON HOWARD they both acted as if they hadn't. MICHAEL BLUTH And um, and you- I mean, I hope that I wou- GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, it's in the past. MICHAEL BLUTH I'll let you get back to it. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yes, great, thank you. Um I was just leaving, actually. MICHAEL BLUTH Yes, me too. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I thought you. MICHAEL BLUTH I am now. MICHAEL BLUTH And was going to earlier. MICHAEL BLUTH Ciao. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Bella. MICHAEL BLUTH Big misunderstanding so um, listen uh, can you call? Otherwise, I'll just assume that we're good. Okay. Are we good? All right. Bye-bye. RON HOWARD Michael returned to the penthouse, eager to downplay what had happened with his son. RON HOWARD Michael was equally eager to avoid Lucille Two. HOUSEKEEPER 1 Goodbye, Mrs. RON HOWARD whom he believed to be in her apartment. MICHAEL BLUTH Why? MICHAEL BLUTH It's like the Weinmar Republic in that place. MICHAEL BLUTH Ooh! RON HOWARD When his phone finally rang. MICHAEL BLUTH Don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, hey! MICHAEL BLUTH I've been looking for you. LUCILLE 2 Hi! It's Lucille Two, I've been looking for you. MICHAEL BLUTH Hey, uh, Lucille, yeah, uh, I-I, I called you before, um I'm right across the um... uh street. Or city. Street, really. Our city. LUCILLE 2 I know you haven't forgotten about me. LUCILLE 2 Right now is the perfect time to do something about it. LUCILLE 2 After all, I'm sure you don't want to reach for your checkbook So I thought of something else we could do together. MICHAEL BLUTH Uh, the- but we keep missing each other, uh. MICHAEL BLUTH I'd b- I'd much rather do the checkbook. MICHAEL BLUTH But I am driving away right now, so if you actually come out onto your balcony, you might even be able to see me driving. In fact, I think I see you. Is that you? Can I see you? LUCILLE 2 I can give you a little time and you know, I mean. I can make a real change. RON HOWARD Michael couldn't be sure that she was out on her deck. MICHAEL BLUTH Sorry we keep missing each other. Are you avoiding me? Hahaha. Love you. RON HOWARD And while he had second thoughts about writing. RON HOWARD he couldn't risk her coming out that door. MICHAEL BLUTH Hi. LIEUTENANT TODDLER She still out? MICHAEL BLUTH No, no. She's-she's, uh, she's still in there, but I gotta. MICHAEL BLUTH She's kind of obsessed with me, so I gotta. RON HOWARD But she wasn't in her apartment. Because moments earlier, a still very upset George Michael called a cousin, who was in that very apartment. MAEBY FUNKE What do you want George Maharris? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I'm sorry about that. I'm done being George Maharris. I need to talk to you. MAEBY FUNKE Look, this isn't a great time, okay? I'm kind of doing a little scrub down. MAEBY FUNKE Nobody can know I was here, having a little smooch with my boyfriend. RON HOWARD A boyfriend she was briefly seen at Lucille Two's apartment with. RON HOWARD While she believed him to be an undercover cop posing as a teenager. MAEBY FUNKE Seņor? PERFECTO TELLES I'm 17. RON HOWARD but who actually turned out. MAEBY FUNKE To be a teenager, posing as an undercover cop, posing as a teenager. MAEBY FUNKE It's hard to explain. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH No, that actually happened to, like, two of my neighbors in Sudden Valley. MAEBY FUNKE Well, they're not putting me in Sudden Valley. I'll tell you that much. MAEBY FUNKE That's why I'm here, picking up anything I left behind that might be incriminating. You know? MAEBY FUNKE Just panties, leggings, corsets, the sex knobs, MAEBY FUNKE and one of those double-headed bondage things with the curly choke leash. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH That's probably a landline. MAEBY FUNKE Ew! Gross! She put her ear on that? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I need to talk to you. It's about my dad. But I-I'm just pulling up to the penthouse to see if he's here, so. MAEBY FUNKE W-Wait, wait, you're at the penthouse? No, no, no. Don't come up here. This place is crawling with cops. I'll meet you down there in a second. I just got to figure out how to get out of here without being noticed. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Okay, I'll meet you in the courtyard. HOUSEKEEPER 1 "For my doll?" MAEBY FUNKE Woah! MAEBY FUNKE Wow. MAEBY FUNKE You really snuck in. MAEBY FUNKE Hey, you know what might look cute on you, instead of that smock? MAEBY FUNKE Also, do you have any scissors? MICHAEL BLUTH It's like the Weimar Republic in that place. RON HOWARD And moments later. MICHAEL BLUTH Don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up. RON HOWARD And soon the cousins met up in the courtyard downstairs. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Hey. MAEBY FUNKE Hey. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You were at Gangie's penthouse? MAEBY FUNKE Lucille 2. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Wh... MAEBY FUNKE You drive her car. How do you still not know who that is? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I punched my dad. MAEBY FUNKE Wow. Uncle Michael? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. MAEBY FUNKE Wow. You're really just burning bridges all over the place, aren't you? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I don't know what to do. MAEBY FUNKE Well, for starters, you can post it on Dad Fights. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Wait, that's a thing? Just, like, a bunch of guys punching their dads or? MAEBY FUNKE Yeah, well, you're supposed to say, "Guess what, Dad?" first, but then some of the dads were catching on and they were just wailing on their kids. MAEBY FUNKE You can watch those clips on "That's What, Son." GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Well, my dad didn't hit me back, which is even worse. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Still, I mean, he knew I was the other man. For God knows how long. MAEBY FUNKE Well, it couldn't have been for too long. He didn't seem to know when I told him. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You told him I was dating Rebel? MAEBY FUNKE Well, technically I said she was dumping her boyfriend, but yeah. I was kind of hoping something like this would happen. MAEBY FUNKE Hey, you had just fired me, okay? And I was. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Mad. MAEBY FUNKE Bored. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I guess I need to apologize to him or something. MAEBY FUNKE Well, if he said it was nothing and now you apologize, you're gonna make it something. MAEBY FUNKE I mean, what did Gangie always say? "Forget, but never forgive." GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH You think she meant to say it that way? MAEBY FUNKE Yeah. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Do you think "a friend in need is no friend indeed" was also on purpose? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Or what about "they should take all the rapists and all the murderers and put them all together on an island." MAEBY FUNKE "and all the murderers can be raped and all the rapists can be murdered." GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH "until you only have either two rapists left or your down to one raped murderer but who cares about-" MAEBY FUNKE "until you only have either two rapists left or your down to one murderer and who cares about-" MAEBY FUNKE Oh, was it one raped murderer? GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH I've heard her say it both ways. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah. I mean, in all likelihood, the guy would be raped. I-I should call him and say I'm sorry. MAEBY FUNKE Look, if you apologize to him, it's going to make him feel horrible. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH MAEBY FUNKE So I think you should do it. GEORGE MICHAEL BLUTH RON HOWARD And so, Michael left another message, careful not to make his son feel horrible with an apology of his own. MICHAEL BLUTH I uh I wanted to hit you back. Uh- Sorry, I wanted to make one thing clear. Um, she uh, she does not know that, that we are father/son. That-That-That, that I was your, your father. That-that I am your father. Okay? I will not apologize for that. Okay? Or anything, really. MICHAEL BLUTH So, no pressure to call me back, but if, if you want, you know, hit me back. Okay? Well- Again. Sorry. MICHAEL BLUTH Okay. Bye. RON HOWARD And while listening to make sure the coast was clear, Michael noticed something he'd missed before. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Sorry to bother you. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Apparently Lucille Austero has missed a couple speaking engagements, we're just trying to find her. MICHAEL BLUTH She-She's not in there? I thought I heard her in there. LIEUTENANT TODDLER No, it must have been her housekeeper. No one's seen her in a couple days. LUCILLE 2 Unbelievable. MICHAEL BLUTH Huh. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Yeah. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, I just talked to her on the phone, so she's somewhere. If you'll excuse me. LIEUTENANT TODDLER You Michael Bluth? MICHAEL BLUTH I am Michael Bluth. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Did you write this note? MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, that's one of mine. Who are you? LIEUTENANT TODDLER Uh, Newport Beach Police Department, Lieutenant Toddler. MICHAEL BLUTH Ah. MICHAEL BLUTH Officer. Yeah, hi. I was hoping you were a cop. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Hi. MICHAEL BLUTH Always wanted to be a cop. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Uh huh. MICHAEL BLUTH But they, they just, they don't, they don't pay fair. LIEUTENANT TODDLER I do okay. MICHAEL BLUTH Hmm? Yeah, I'm sure you do. But, you know, you-you probably- You haven't had to pay for a meal in years, though. Huh? MICHAEL BLUTH I mean, I'm sure that you offer, yeah? LIEUTENANT TODDLER Do you talk to Ms. Austero often? MICHAEL BLUTH I do not. Not often, no, I barely know her. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Really? 'Cause it says right here that you love her. MICHAEL BLUTH It does, doesn't it. Yeah. MICHAEL BLUTH You know, it's the way that I say goodbye. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Hmm. MICHAEL BLUTH Um, because you never know um, if you're never gonna see someone again, you know? You should know that, you-you see people actually die. I saw-I've seen one person die. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Mm-hmm. MICHAEL BLUTH A postman, uh, was not my favorite day of the year to say the least. And he is the one that taught me about loving each other. POSTMAN Love each other. MICHAEL BLUTH Uh, a-and I guess it's just sort of my way of keeping him alive. RON HOWARD No, it was not. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Is your mother here? MICHAEL BLUTH My mother? No. I'm, I'm all grown up, Toddler. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Okay, because my partner was here yesterday, talked to someone who said that she lived here. LIEUTENANT TODDLER It was a woman with red hair. RON HOWARD In fact, it was cis male George Sr. Who, after discovering he had almost no testosterone at all DOCTOR NORMAN You have almost no testosterone at all. On the plus side, your estrogen levels are that of a very healthy woman in the throws of her menses. RON HOWARD was frightened and confused and eager to hide from the world. GEORGE BLUTH SR I don't allow men in my apartment without my husband present. RON HOWARD But George Sr. soon realized his impression of a woman wasn't going to win him any awards. RON HOWARD So he took off in his trailer for Mexico to forget his shameful mistakes. GEORGE BLUTH SR RON HOWARD His son, Gob, meanwhile, was also in Mexico. GOB BLUTH Hey, there. Friend of mine left me a note. Um. GOB BLUTH In my handwriting. GOB BLUTH And he said you might be able to set me up with the pill that makes the memories go away. Like a... like a "shame-wow." RON HOWARD A request he'd made over 500 times. GOB BLUTH See, I did something a little out of character. GOB BLUTH And, um, the window's kind of closing in on, you know, before it lodges in the long term, what do you call it, um- GOB BLUTH What do you call it? GOB BLUTH Brains. GOB BLUTH Long term brains. RON HOWARD But the store vendor had seen Gob more times than he was able to forget. GOB BLUTH Yeah, make a call. STORE VENDOR Policia. GOB BLUTH Yes, definitely, definitely check with policia. GOB BLUTH Wish her a happy five, by the way. You guys get that here, or is that just out in the states? GOB BLUTH Getting in on it. GOB BLUTH Happy Five. GEORGE BLUTH SR Oh, thank you. How's your Five treating you? GOB BLUTH Dad? RON HOWARD And that's when he ran into his father? GEORGE BLUTH SR Gob. GEORGE BLUTH SR Gob, what're you-What're you doing here? GOB BLUTH Here? I'm just getting some. GOB BLUTH boner pills and this guy says I don't need them. He knows from boner- Anyway, what're you doing here? GEORGE BLUTH SR Me, too, I don't need them. RON HOWARD And then Gob had an idea. GOB BLUTH What do you say you and I. RON HOWARD A horrible idea. GOB BLUTH our way through Mexico? RON HOWARD Of course, this wouldn't be an option for George Sr. which is why he replied- GEORGE BLUTH SR Mexico won't be able to walk for a week. GOB BLUTH Two full weeks! RON HOWARD But Michael knew none of this. MICHAEL BLUTH That's impossible. My mother's got brown hair. LIEUTENANT TODDLER You don't know anyone with red hair? MICHAEL BLUTH No, I don't know anyone- Well, I know, I know- I'm just ending something right now with a woman who has red hair, Rebel Alley. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Oh, Ron Howard's daughter. MICHAEL BLUTH That's the one. And Ron's got red hair. So, I guess that's two people I know with red hair. MICHAEL BLUTH And of course, I'm holding a wig that is made of red hair. So that's those two and the wig, I think that's got it- MICHAEL BLUTH And my sister has recently gotten the red hair. But she's nuts. So. RON HOWARD Actually, Lindsay had been hiding her identity with that very wig while dating a right wing candidate whose position she opposed. LUCILLE 2 And try this on. Isn't that funny? I used to wear that with the Captain. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall. HERBERT LOVE What the hell? RON HOWARD and was returning to chamber. HERBERT LOVE Better for my back anyway. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Thank you. RON HOWARD But soon, photos of Herbert Love with a mystery red head were used to blackmail her. SALLY SITWELL Of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE God, that was a photo booth? RON HOWARD So, it was only once she ditched the red hair. LUCILLE BLUTH I'm a Bluth and so are you. RON HOWARD that she joined the opposition. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Wall! Put Up This Wall! CROWD Put Up This Wall! RON HOWARD Unfortunately, her candidate encountered some new opposition. HERBERT LOVE Give my speech! Oh, hey, it's the Blind Side monster. BUSTER BLUTH COP Unconscious black male. RON HOWARD And having discovered that he dropped out of the race. COP I said, aggressively come at me, sir! RON HOWARD Lindsay's political enthusiasm waned. MICHAEL BLUTH So, I have no idea where she is, but, uh, my mother is at Austerity, it's a rehab clinic. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Actually, we checked the rehab and your mother wasn't there. RON HOWARD In fact, when Lucille Two first went missing, MICHAEL BLUTH Wasn't there? RON HOWARD Lucille One took the opportunity to compel her therapist to change her status again, to outpatient. RON HOWARD Bypassing both the Austerity Clinic red tape as well as its security. LIEUTENANT TODDLER And she was remanded to the care of your brother-in-law, Tobias Fungi? MICHAEL BLUTH LIEUTENANT TODDLER You don't happen to know the license plate of the car he drives, do you? MICHAEL BLUTH His license plate number? No, I don't. I mean, I barely know my own license plate number, much less my brother-in- MICHAEL BLUTH It's A-N-U-S and then for some reason T-A-R-T. LIEUTENANT TODDLER A new start. MICHAEL BLUTH Well, if you saw it written out, I don't think that you would- Let me try this one on you. A-N-A-L-R-A-P- MICHAEL BLUTH Well, it doesn't matter. Listen, I've got to go. I don't know where my mother and-and Tobias are, excuse me, but they're clearly up to something. They're not going to be easy to get back, either. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Well, Ms. Austero isn't quite a missing person yet. LIEUTENANT TODDLER We are particularly interested in talking to Byron, who she apparently had a relationship with. MICHAEL BLUTH It's Buster, uh, and that's-that's why I know that-that they're up to something, 'cause the last time that I saw Buster was um. MICHAEL BLUTH Oh, God! BUSTER BLUTH RON HOWARD And, resentful of his family, Michael came up with a plan to make them come back. MICHAEL BLUTH Tell me how this missing person thing works, exactly? LIEUTENANT TODDLER You wanna report him a missing person? MICHAEL BLUTH I might. LIEUTENANT TODDLER You'd call it in, but not until he's been gone for 72 hours. MICHAEL BLUTH Hmm. I think it's worth the wait. MICHAEL BLUTH Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's what we'll do, 'cause you find Buster, you're gonna find Lucille. LIEUTENANT TODDLER Which one? MICHAEL BLUTH I don't think he cares. MICHAEL BLUTH See you later. MICHAEL BLUTH Thank you for your service. MICHAEL BLUTH Love you. RON HOWARD On the next Arrested Development. RON HOWARD Lindsay arrives at the border she had just called for a wall to protect. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Okay. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE BORDER PATROL AGENT See your pasaportes. DRIVER He wants your passport. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Oh, I didn't bring it with me. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE I'm American. How do you say, "I'm American" in Mexican. DRIVER Soy Americano. LINDSAY BLUTH FUNKE Hmm. That does sound good. Ask him for two. RON HOWARD Lindsay was proud that she thought to include the driver. RON HOWARD And Lucille and her therapist arrive at their beachside casita. LUCILLE BLUTH Look at them. Dancing on the beach like they own the place. TOBIAS FUNKE Good. We'll use that. I want to laser in on that anger. TOBIAS FUNKE Look out at the ocean. Tell me, what does it make you think? TOBIAS FUNKE I feel I should be running up, maybe I just will. TOBIAS FUNKE Let the world see the real me. LUCILLE BLUTH I feel like men run away from me. LUCILLE BLUTH I've been deserted. Is that my fault? Is it because of my anger? LUCILLE BLUTH When I see a squirrely little fruitcake like that one skipping into the ocean, I think, "Why do I hate him so much? LUCILLE BLUTH "That little bald one there with the fringed cut-offs who- Oh, It's you. TOBIAS FUNKE