ACTOR ACTRESS BABY BELLY_BAG CASHIER ERNIE KIM MOM MR_GUS NARRATOR OLD_PHILLIP PHILLIP PIZZA_STEVE TEEN_GUS UNCLE_GRANDPA UNCLE GRANDPA Oh boy, comics!! Huh huh. Hee hee. Hey!! Whaddya think you’re doing?! I was reading that! MR GUS Uncle Grandpa!! You need to stop getting distracted when you’re trying to complete a task! You need to keep your head on your shoulders and out of the clouds. UNCLE GRANDPA I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an expert at multi-snacking. MR GUS Don’ you mean, multi-tasking? UNCLE GRANDPA Multi-whating? Ahhh! What were we talking about again? MR GUS You’re always losing focus. Uh-buh-see!! You’re not even listening to me right now, are you?! UNCLE GRANDPA I’m sorry Mr. Gus, but my “kid-assist” alarm went off! It looks like little Phillip needs our help! Pronto!! PHILLIP Darn it! Mom!! Why is Channel 56 blocked?! I wanna watch “Attack of the Undead Blood Spiders, now!!” MOM I’m sorry dear, but you’re too young to watch that kind of garbage. Why don’t you watch that cute little show about the pink and purple horsies? PHILLIP But mom, that show’s for little girls and twisted weirdos! I’d rather sit here and stare at nothin’, than watch that kiddie crud! Humph! MOM Fine, suit yourself. UNCLE GRANDPA Hiya, Phillip! What seems to be the problem, little fella? PHILLIP Rrrrr!! That’s the problem!! I don’t wanna be a little kid anymore! If I was older I could watch any movie I want, I could stay out late, I could even drive a car if I wanted to! I hate being a kid!! I wanna be older!! UNCLE GRANDPA No problem, I can help you with that. Just a spritz of this and you’ll be fixed right up. Voila! MR GUS Uh, I think he said he wanted to be older, not a boulder. UNCLE GRANDPA Ohhh, yeah, that makes sense. You want the “older” spray. This should work. Heh heh heh, that was pretty funny. Turning him into a boulder. How’s a boulder gonna drive a car? Or watch a movie? I mean, what was I thinking! Boulder, heh. That is one classic Uncle Grandpa faux pas. MR GUS Uncle Grandpa! You need to focus on the task at hand! UNCLE GRANDPA Oh yeah! MR GUS Nyahh!! UNCLE GRANDPA Nyahh!! OLD PHILLIP Wow! You did it, I’m old! Really old! I wanna go do some old guy stuff! UNCLE GRANDPA Mr. Gus here is pretty old, maybe he can show you some stuff. MR GUS Hey! MOM Phillip…I found you some age appropriate movies you can watch while—Wahh MOM Uncle Grandpa, why does my 8 year old son look like a 300 year old man?! UNCLE GRANDPA He ages terribly? MOM Whatever you did to make him old, you need to reverse it, now!! UNCLE GRANDPA Not to worry, Phillip’s mom. He just needs to drink from the soda fountain of youth! Open wide, Belly Bag! BELLY BAG Waahhh! UNCLE GRANDPA Be right back. Hey Ernie! ERNIE Hey, Uncle Grandpa, haven’t seen you in a while. How you been? UNCLE GRANDPA Ehh, keepin’ busy. ERNIE Right on. What’ll it be for you today? UNCLE GRANDPA Actually, I just need to borrow your soda gun. ERNIE Sure thing. Here ya go. UNCLE GRANDPA Thanks! Got it! Now just take a sip from this stream of this fizzy fantasy and you’ll be young again! OLD PHILLIP But I don’t wanna be young again. UNCLE GRANDPA What was that? OLD PHILLIP I said—Look out! There’s a dinosaur! UNCLE GRANDPA Where?! Whoopsie! TEEN GUS Aw dang it, Uncle Grandpa! You got distracted and turned me into my awkward teenage self! UNCLE GRANDPA Are you trying to grow a mustache? MOM Phillip! OLD PHILLIP See ya later, kiddies! I’m goin’ for a drive! Yipee!! UNCLE GRANDPA Don’t touch my radio presets!! And don’t look in the glove box! Actually, I guess you’re old enough. MOM Uncle Grandpa! Go after him! UNCLE GRANDPA Right. Can I borrow your car keys?! OLD PHILLIP Hahahaha, I’m pretty good at this! UNCLE GRANDPA Okay, Phillip. Slow down so I can “youth-enize” you with this soda. OLD PHILLIP Uhhhh, look out! A cop! UNCLE GRANDPA Where? BABY Vwoom vwoom.. OLD PHILLIP Haha, woohoo! Now where’s the radio in this thing? Probably this big red button. Wooo! Flying is even cooler than driving! UNCLE GRANDPA How bout a cold soft drink? OLD PHILLIP Look out, a bird! UNCLE GRANDPA Where?! OLD PHILLIP Alright! UNCLE GRANDPA Phillip! OLD PHILLIP Wooo! Hot dog! I’m in the army now! UNCLE GRANDPA Oh yeah? Stand at attention for me, really still. OLD PHILLIP Huh? Why don’t you chew bazooka, Grandpa?! UNCLE GRANDPA Sounds yummy! BELLY BAG Uncle Grandpa, are you wacky!? You don’t want to taste that!! Hulp! UNCLE GRANDPA Hey, I was supposed to taste bazooka?! OLD PHILLIP Phew, being old sure takes it out of you. UNCLE GRANDPA Maybe you just need to hydrate with some soda. OLD PHILLIP No way! “Attack of the Undead Blood Spiders…2?!” And I’m actually old enough to see it!! One child—er—senior, ticket please! CASHIER Can I see your ID? OLD PHILLIP I haven’t had time to update my photo. CASHIER Uh, enjoy the movie. UNCLE GRANDPA Phiiiiiillip? Where’d you- No way! Concession combo in the lobby?! I guess I have time for a movie and some snacks. OLD PHILLIP ‘Scuse me, pardon me. This is great! I’m out past curfew, I got to drive, and I even get to watch whatever movie I want. I just wish I wasn’t so tired… ACTRESS Oh no, honey, there’s a spider in the shower! ACTOR I’ll handle it. Oh my gaaahhh!!! ACTOR Ahh!! OLD PHILLIP UNCLE GRANDPA Oh good, it’s over. Oh hey, Phillip. Didn’t fancy seeing you here. OLD PHILLIP Huh?! Wha the? Aw man, I can’t believe I slept through the whole movie. UNCLE GRANDPA Why’d you do that? OLD PHILLIP I guess 300 year olds, needs more rest than I thought. What’s the point of being older if I can’t even stay awake to watch cool movies?! Plus, my old beard is starting to attract moths. Yeah, I’m ready to drink your stream of fizzy fantasy and be young again, Uncle Grandpa. Uncle Grandpa? UNCLE GRANDPA Whoaa, moths are cool. I wonder what a young moth looks like. Neat. ERNIE Hey Uncle Grandpa, just a heads up, but the soda tank is almost gone. You’re down to your very last spray. UNCLE GRANDPA Last spray? I gotta make the next one count! OLD PHILLIP Umm, Uncle Grandpa? UNCLE GRANDPA Where? Whoopsie. OLD PHILLIP Oh no! I’m gonna be old forever! Huh? UNCLE GRANDPA Not if this Grandpa can help it! Uff! OLD PHILLIP Ahhhhh! PHILLIP Mmm, cherry flavored. Now let’s get you back home, I’m not getting any younger here. TEEN GUS Okay. I think I got your wall all patched up. UNCLE GRANDPA Sorry about your wall. I thought that was the brake. PHILLIP No worries. Thanks for the lift and the fun time, Uncle Grandpa! I’m gonna go try and enjoy being a kid now. MOM Oh Phillip, you’re a kid again! Want me to put some cartoons on for you? PHILLIP Yeah, sure, just none of that purple horsey junk. UNCLE GRANDPA Welp, there goes another satisfied customer. See pubescent Gus? Even being distracted, things always work out. TEEN GUS Except you still need to change me back to my normal age. UNCLE GRANDPA Oh yeah. Here you go. Hey! My bubblegum! I’ve been looking for that. I wonder what else is in there? NARRATOR And now, Science Time with Uncle Grandpa. UNCLE GRANDPA Hiya folks! Welcome to the show. Helping me today will be my special guest assistant, Kimmm!! How ya doing, Kimmy? KIM Well, I’m doing fine. I’m really excited t- UNCLE GRANDPA That’s right Kimmm! Today’s subject is… dissection. Dissection is the process of cutting critters open to find out what’s inside, to see what makes ‘em tick. The first thing we need is something to dissect! Follow me, Kimmm! Shh, we’re getting closer. Basketballs in their natural habitat. Got one! Now we have to prepare the specimen. Hold your nose. This stuff is really strong. Sweet dreams, you poor dumb creature. There we go! Ready for dissection. KIM Do we use this? UNCLE GRANDPA Heavens no! That is much too dangerous. No Kim, we’ll use this!! So? What do you think’s inside the basketball, Kimmm? KIM Um, air? UNCLE GRANDPA Wrong! It’s cotton candy! Here you go, honey. She’s got a real sweet tooth. What else do you think is in there? KIM Um, at this point I’m not really sure— UNCLE GRANDPA Nope! It’s a grasshopper! This must be why basketballs are so jumpy. For you, Mr. Gus. MR GUS Oh boy! A hop-dog! UNCLE GRANDPA You’re 0 for 2, Kim. Better up your game. What else do you think we’ll find in here? KIM I don’t know. Some kind of killer robot or something equally weird. UNCLE GRANDPA Nope again. It’s this stuff! KIM Eww, gross! Is that what I think it is? UNCLE GRANDPA Why, yes, it is Kim. It’s a heaping plateful of mouthwatering spaghetti and meatballs. PIZZA STEVE What?! No bread? UNCLE GRANDPA Oh yeah. Here it is! Bon appetite. PIZZA STEVE That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. KIM Uncle Grandpa! What doe any of this have to do with science?! UNCLE GRANDPA Science!? I thought this was a cooking show. NARRATOR Join us next week for more science—I mean—cooking with Uncle Grandpa.