BENJAMIN DONNA ENFIELD HARVEY JESSICA JUDGE KATRINA LOUIS LOUIS_AND_SCOTTIE MIKE MORRIS RACHEL SCOTTIE STEMPLE WALKER MIKE Hey. RACHEL Where did you race off to so quickly this morning? MIKE I went to see my mistress. RACHEL Mm. Mm-hmm. And what’s her name? MIKE Felony. RACHEL Really? And how would you feel if I said the same thing to you? MIKE Depends. Is she hot? RACHEL Mm-hmm. You realize you’re digging yourself in deeper now, don’t you? MIKE Well, then, it’s good that I was really out getting you this. RACHEL Minnie Mouse. MIKE I got a copy from your dad. I thought it would complement Panda. RACHEL It’s perfect. MIKE Good. Because I have a new lease on life. And I wouldn’t if it weren’t for you. RACHEL I am not the only one who helped convince Louis to let it go. MIKE I know. RACHEL So, are you going to get something for Harvey? MIKE I want to, but what do you get the man who has everything? RACHEL The same thing you got me. MIKE A picture of him dressed as a mouse? RACHEL No. Something money can’t buy. DONNA “Ugh”. What do you need? MIKE Advice. DONNA That tie has got to go. I’ve been wanting to say something for months. It’s not about the tie, is it? MIKE You know it’s not about the tie. You’re just giving me shit. DONNA We take our opportunities where they present themselves. Now, what can Donna do for you? MIKE I need the perfect gift. DONNA Mm. Who is it? Rachel? Something personal. Preferably a picture from her father. MIKE How could you possibly… DONNA Jessica? Simple and elegant or wild and crazy. The choice is yours. Louis. Oh, gosh. Doesn’t matter. Just give him anything. He’ll cry for days. MIKE What about Harvey? DONNA There is no gift for Harvey. He gets what he wants and he doesn’t want what he doesn’t get. And my knowing that is the only gift he’ll ever need from me. MIKE Donna, ever since I’ve been here… every morning, I step off that elevator, wondering if this is going to be my last day. Last week, that day came and Harvey said, “Not today.” I… I just… I need to get him something to let him know what that means to me. DONNA Okay. MIKE What? DONNA There is one thing that Harvey has been trying to get for years and he hasn’t been able to. MIKE What is it? DONNA No. It’s… It’s too personal. And I don’t see how you’re going to be able to make it happen when he couldn’t. MIKE Whatever it is, it will make the perfect gift. JESSICA Before we do anything else, I’d like to officially welcome our newest senior partner, Dana Scott. SCOTTIE I’d like to thank you all for bringing me in and I assure you I will be hitting the ground running. JESSICA Well, that’s what we like to hear. Harvey, where do we stand on Franklin Courier? HARVEY They just announced plans for the acquisition Friday. SCOTTIE I’d like to take lead on this one. JESSICA I guess the ground has been hit. It’s yours. LOUIS Shit. I am so sorry. I had an incident at Logan. Did I miss anything? JESSICA Not really. Scottie’s going to be handling the Franklin acquisition. LOUIS You’re kidding, right? Franklin’s my client. I was five minutes late. SCOTTIE Ten minutes, actually. LOUIS Well, I don’t care if I skipped the whole goddamn meeting to get a full body wax. I landed that company when they were a regional shithole. And I don’t need some interloper to come… HARVEY Scottie’s a Senior Partner, Louis. LOUIS Well, this is bullshit. SCOTTIE Then, I guess you’re saying the bylaws are bullshit. LOUIS My bylaws are a work of art. SCOTTIE I know. And the bylaws clearly state that if a Senior Partner is more than ten minutes late to a meeting, he or she has no standing. LOUIS Well, that rule doesn’t take into consideration a Partner being late due to reasons beyond his control. SCOTTIE I’m sorry. Uh, this rule shall not be abridged by any circumstance including but not limited to family illness, criminal detention, and travel delay. “For without punctuality, we are animals.” Right? LOUIS How dare you quote me to me. This isn’t over. JESSICA Yes, it is. They’re still your client, Louis. But it’s Scottie’s transaction. Moving on. MIKE Boom. HARVEY What’s this? MIKE Oh, it’s only the greatest gift you’ve ever received. HARVEY Better than mj.’s jersey from the sixty-three point game? MIKE If this folder had played in that game, it would have scored eighty points. HARVEY Okay, I don’t even know what that means. MIKE Neither do I. Just open it already? HARVEY A run of the mill corporate case. I don’t get it. MIKE Just look at the attorney of record on the other side. HARVEY a. Eliot Stemple. How did you know? MIKE I talked to Donna. She told me everything. HARVEY Define everything. MIKE Oh, I don’t know. He kicked your ass in moot court three years running at Harvard. You’re kind of upset about it. Keeps you up at night. HARVEY Yeah. Well, if she told you everything, you’d know he’s been ducking me for the past ten years. MIKE Harvey, I just told you this gift is better than M.J.’s jersey. You think I’d make that kind of claim if I couldn’t deliver on it? HARVEY What are you saying? MIKE I’m saying that a. Eliot Stemple is not ducking you today. JESSICA Louis, if this is about Franklin Courier, I’ve made my decision. LOUIS It’s not. JESSICA Okay. Then, what’s this about? LOUIS It’s about Franklin Courier. JESSICA Louis. LOUIS Jessica, I want to know where I fall on the pecking order with regard to Dana Scott. JESSICA There is no pecking order. I don’t look at things that way. LOUIS Great. That means I’m behind her because she’s banging Harvey. JESSICA I’m going to pretend I didn’t just hear that. LOUIS Well, unfortunately, I can’t pretend that you didn’t just screw me over on behalf of your partner’s girlfriend. JESSICA Louis. I didn’t screw you over. Your own bylaws did. And if the shoe were on the other foot and you’d taken the case from her, you’d be sleeping like a baby. LOUIS What does that have to do with anything? Alright. You know what? Don’t bother answering that question. As far as I’m concerned, Dana Scott is dead to me. JESSICA Louis. Did it ever occur to you that these situations may sometimes be the result of your own doing? LOUIS What on God’s green earth are you talking about? JESSICA You have an opportunity to bond with our newest Senior Partner or make a permanent enemy of her. And I’m saying in the past, you’ve generally chosen the enemy route. LOUIS Can you give me a specific? JESSICA Off the top of my head? LOUIS Mm-hmm. JESSICA Pemberton, Yates, Cohen, Duffner, Ramirez… LOUIS That’s five isolated incidents. JESSICA Robinson, Jenkins, Gardner… LOUIS Okay, okay, fine. What’s your point? JESSICA My point is, if you let this thing go, you can change the entire course of your relationship with Scottie. And who knows… maybe even redefine yourself within the firm. LOUIS Words to live by. Jessica, you may have just changed my entire outlook on life. SCOTTIE Is that a bomb? LOUIS It’s a gift. SCOTTIE You’re giving me a gift after what happened this morning? LOUIS You’re right. You did poach my client on a technicality. And worse than that, you used my own precious words against me. And normally, I’d declare war, but… SCOTTIE But what? LOUIS Uh, it’s been pointed out to me that I have certain proclivities that need to be adjusted. SCOTTIE Louis, what are you saying? LOUIS I’m saying I would like us to be friends. SCOTTIE It’s very sweet. LOUIS Thank you. SCOTTIE Thank you. LOUIS So, we’re friends? SCOTTIE Friends. LOUIS Great. Give me my files back. SCOTTIE Excuse me? LOUIS You accepted my friendship. Give me back my case. SCOTTIE Uh… Sorry, Louis. That’s not how it works. LOUIS What the hell kind of friend are you? SCOTTIE I’m a friend who is not going to give you my case fourteen seconds after you give me a scarf. LOUIS No, it’s not a scarf. It’s one of the world’s finest pashminas. SCOTTIE I don’t care if it’s the world’s only pashmina. You’re not getting this case. LOUIS Well, then, you leave me no choice but to institute Article “nineteen-point-five-slash-B”. SCOTTIE There is no Article “nineteen-point-five-slash-b”. LOUIS There is now. All new hires must be accompanied to client meetings by the existing attorney of record. SCOTTIE You son of a bitch. You just wanted to start a fight. LOUIS Excuse me? I tried to make friends with you, and you just told me to go screw myself. SCOTTIE I’m warning you, Louis. This is a fight you don’t want. LOUIS Oh, no, I want it. And I’m going to win it. And when I do, you better not go crying to your boyfriend. STEMPLE Well, look who it is. The ghost of Christmas past. Harvey Reginald Specter. HARVEY Speaking of the past, a. Eliot, fdr. called. He wants his bowtie back. STEMPLE Oh, if you’d had rebuttals like that, maybe you would have gotten past me in moot court just once. HARVEY Trust me, Archibald. I’m way past you. STEMPLE Oh, I guess you are. Look at you, huh? Tom Ford suit, thousand dollar hairdo… What happened to the skirt-chasing degenerate I knew back at Harvard? HARVEY Oh, him? He’s a name partner at a firm ten times bigger than yours. STEMPLE Bigger? Sounds like somebody’s trying to compensate for three huge losses. HARVEY Or somebody’s living in the past and too afraid to take me on in the present. STEMPLE You’re the one who’s afraid. I think you’ve got a little “ptsd.” Post-traumatic Stemple disorder. HARVEY Why don’t we go head to head right now? STEMPLE Oh, I’d love to. But unfortunately, my case is up on the docket. But let’s do this again really soon. Okay? JUDGE “ayz » Technologies versus Janus Microprocessors. MIKE Mike Ross for the plaintiff, Your Honor. STEMPLE A. Eliot Stemple for the defense. What are you doing here? MIKE Oh, I’m sorry. Did I forget to put the name of my firm on the complaint? Uh, I… I work at Pearson Specter. HARVEY That’s Specter, as in Harvey Reginald Specter. JUDGE I’m ready to hear pretrial motions. STEMPLE Motion to substitute counsel, Your Honor. JUDGE On what grounds? HARVEY On the grounds that he’s a pussy. JUDGE What’s that, Mr. Specter? HARVEY I was just wondering if he has a copy of his motion, because we never got one. STEMPLE Not with me, Your Honor. Something suddenly came up. My niece… she took ill. JUDGE Well, when your family is sick, you have to tend to them. MIKE Your Honor, Mr. Stemple may not have a copy of his motion. But we do have a copy of his family tree. He has no nieces. STEMPLE I meant “niece” figuratively. She is actually my goddaughter. HARVEY And what exactly is her name? STEMPLE Sandra Silverstein. MIKE Your Honor, that’s the same fictitious goddaughter that’s taken ill every time Mr. Stemple’s needed a continuance in the last five years. HARVEY Sounds serious. Have you tried acupuncture? STEMPLE They are completely out of line, Your Honor. JUDGE The only thing out of line is you. Mr. Stemple, not only will you not be replacing yourself, you’ll be paying the court a two thousand dollar fine. MIKE We got him. The cage match is on. Two men enter, one man leaves. HARVEY We don’t have anything yet. MIKE What? Come on. Do you need me to try the case for you, too? HARVEY Listen to me. This isn’t Thunderdome. I need you to look at every case he’s worked since law school. MIKE Relax, Harvey. I’m all over it. HARVEY You better be. Because you don’t know this guy. I’m telling you. Once it sinks in that there’s no way out of that cage, he’s going to come out swinging. MIKE You wasted a trip. Harvey’s gone for the night. STEMPLE I… I’m not here to see Harvey. I’m here to see you. Please, what I have to say is important. MIKE I’m not interested in what you have to say. STEMPLE In law school, I had nothing. Nothing. No friends, no girlfriend, no respect. The… The truth is, I was only hanging on to not flunking out by a thread. Look at me. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I’m not particularly successful. MIKE Why are you telling me this? STEMPLE I have a little piece of glory I’m holding onto. I don’t expect Harvey to care about that, but you’re still first chair. You can still let me out. And I thought that maybe you would. MIKE I’ll think about it. STEMPLE That’s all I can ask for. MIKE Except for one thing. That’s the exact same speech that your plaintiff gave Harvey, year one. STEMPLE That doesn’t mean it isn’t true. MIKE You think I’m going to let you play me? STEMPLE A man can try. MIKE Stemple, you’ve been ducking Harvey long enough. Now, you’re either going to win or you’re going to lose. But what you’re not going to do is avoid him anymore. Oh, you forgot. I looked up your family tree. You are married, you do have children, and your firm is top tier. STEMPLE Please. I hate my wife, my children are anchors, and the only reason I stay at that firm is to pay for them to leave me alone. MIKE Get the hell on the elevator, Stemple. I’m not leaving you in our office. STEMPLE Good call. SCOTTIE Eliot Stemple. That’s a blast from the past. HARVEY You should have seen his smug face when he realized he couldn’t duck me. SCOTTIE Need my help? HARVEY No, I am taking this one all for myself. SCOTTIE Harvey, it was three times. You remember what it did to you? HARVEY Yeah, I remember. But instead of offering help where it isn’t needed, you should be focused on Louis Litt. After what you did at that meeting, he’s going to come at you full bore. SCOTTIE I wouldn’t have it any other way. HARVEY You picked a fight with him on purpose. SCOTTIE Of course I did. HARVEY What happened to the whole “we need to be open and honest” thing? SCOTTIE I didn’t think we needed to be open and honest that one plus one equals two. HARVEY I get it. You don’t want to be seen as my girlfriend, so you picked a fight with the biggest, baddest prisoner in the yard. SCOTTIE I win this, I’m the partner that beat Louis Litt, not the partner sleeping with Harvey Specter. HARVEY Okay. I respect that. But Louis just did me a huge favor. and I don’t want to get caught in the middle of it. SCOTTIE I don’t need you in the middle of it. HARVEY Good. SCOTTIE Although… HARVEY What did you do? SCOTTIE Well, it’s not really what I did. It’s, um… … what you did. HARVEY What did I do? Louis, what are you doing? LOUIS Hey. I got your email last night. HARVEY Yeah. About that… LOUIS No, no. I was happy to get it. Happy to do the work. Nothing makes me happier than to spend all night helping out a friend. HARVEY You were up all night? LOUIS Caught a power nap between four thirty to four forty-five. I’ll be fine. HARVEY Well, what did you come up with? LOUIS Per your instructions, I went through eight years of Pritchard Holdings corporate returns with a fine tooth comb. HARVEY That’s a remarkably long time frame. LOUIS You ask for four, I give you eight. It’s what I do. And I caught every mistake there was to find. HARVEY Great. File the amended returns. With any luck, Jenner Pharmaceuticals will be none the wiser. LOUIS Jenner Pharmaceuticals? This suit’s against Miller Trucking. HARVEY That’s what I meant. Miller Trucking. LOUIS Ah. What are they suing them for? HARVEY Trucking. LOUIS Goddamn it. You sent that email just to screw with me. HARVEY Louis, I didn’t send the email. Scottie did. She used my computer. I didn’t even know. LOUIS Oh, bullshit. She came running to you, you played on our friendship, and just now, you had me go on about it to continue the mockery. HARVEY Look, I wasn’t mocking you. I was trying to keep you from finding out. I thought if you didn’t know, no harm would be done. LOUIS No. You know what? Harm was done. And if you value this friendship at all, you would stay out of it. Because I’m going to the mattresses against Dana Scott. HARVEY Mattresses? Have you been watching “The Godfather”? LOUIS Yeah. I’ve been trying to come up with some common ground to expand our friendship. Sue me. Tell me you finished the proposal for Franklin Courier. KATRINA No. LOUIS What do you mean, no? KATRINA I mean I didn’t do it. LOUIS What, did your mother die? Because if she didn’t, you know that… KATRINA Louis, you told me not to. LOUIS We’re at war, Bennett. Why would I do that? KATRINA I don’t know. But I got a note from you telling me that you were going to be the bigger person and let Dana Scott handle it. LOUIS The bigger person? You should have known that was not from me. SCOTTIE Good morning, Louis. Great day. Oh. You look a little tired. LOUIS I’m not tired. I don’t get tired. What do you want, Dana? SCOTTIE I’m just dropping this by. LOUIS You sent Franklin a proposal. SCOTTIE Well, I couldn’t meet them without you, so I figured that I would send this over instead. KATRINA You did this behind our backs. SCOTTIE I don’t believe in doing things behind people’s backs. That’s why I “C.C.’ed” you both on this letter. LOUIS No, you “cc.’ed” us so they’d know that it came from you and we had nothing to do with it. SCOTTIE It did come from me and you did have nothing to do with it. LOUIS Yeah. You want to play it this way? Fine. But if you think you’re going to outsmart me, you’re going to get Litt up. KATRINA Litt the hell up. SCOTTIE Litt up. Litt. Oh. Oh, my god. That is so cute. I’m going to go make fun of it on my Facebook page right now. Thank you. LOUIS Okay. We’re going to take this thing apart limb by limb so that Little Miss Bullshit wishes she’d never heard the name Louis Litt. KATRINA Louis, she’s an excellent attorney. What if we can’t find anything wrong with it? LOUIS No, we’re not going to find anything wrong with it. That’s why we’re going to take it apart… to make something wrong with it. MIKE Mr. Walker, in October of last year, you made a pitch to the Chairman of Kyoto Computers. How did that pitch go? WALKER It went amazingly, right up until when they told us there was no way they could actually buy our product. HARVEY And why was that? WALKER Because Janus threatened to withhold their microchip if Kyoto did even one dollar’s worth of business with us. STEMPLE And my next door neighbor says he saw his next door neighbor cheating on his wife. Turned out to be nothing but a vindictive lie. MIKE These are sworn affidavits from the “ceo.’s” of Kyoto, Griffon, and Howland, all backing up Mr. Walker’s claim. HARVEY This isn’t your next door neighbor, Archibald. STEMPLE Mr. Walker, the truth is that we control the market because our product is better than yours, isn’t it? WALKER No, it isn’t. STEMPLE Jake. Come on, though. The cameras are on. We’re all under oath here. MIKE We are? STEMPLE He is. And I have independent analysis and sworn testimony from other “ceo.’s” disputing everything your client just said. HARVEY Those things aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on. STEMPLE My point is that you can go to court, spend years fighting a battle you may not win, or you can take this settlement. HARVEY This is actually pretty fair. MIKE More than fair. The only thing is, he’s only trying to get us to sign it so he can use it against us in court. HARVEY Just like he did last year against Micron and the year before that against Suntech. You’re just a one-trick pony, Archibald. And once you’ve been to the show, it’s not that good. STEMPLE You’re a one-trick pony, too, Reginald. Only my trick doesn’t end with my own client suing me. HARVEY This deposition is over. STEMPLE What do you mean, it’s over? Don’t… Don’t you want Mr. Walker to know that you were just sued for malpractice? HARVEY That client dropped that suit. STEMPLE And before she did, she stated on the record that she got shafted because you had a personal vendetta against your opposing counsel. He likes to pick fights with other lawyers and he doesn’t give a shit what it does to his clients. MIKE Okay, that’s a lie. STEMPLE Is it? I think you and I both know why he took this case. Because he lost this case and this case and this case to me fifteen years ago. Go ahead. Ask him. He’s not under oath, but you’ll know if he’s lying. And these cases… they were all in moot court. Imagine what he’ll bring down on you when the stakes are real. I can tell you this much. It will be a hell of a lot more expensive than that settlement. HARVEY Stemple, we’re done. STEMPLE Reginald. You did a great job making it so I couldn’t get out of it, but you should have picked a better case to trap me in. Because we both know that my independent analyst will come up with anything that I want him to say. MIKE Did you hear what he just said? HARVEY I sure did. MIKE And if you did and I did… HARVEY Maybe it did. BENJAMIN I already had breakfast, Michael. MIKE Maybe. But that’s a bag completely filled with bacon. BENJAMIN Crispy? MIKE To quote my friend Benjamin, “If it’s not crispy, it’s not bacon.” BENJAMIN I don’t deserve it. MIKE Benjamin? BENJAMIN Michael, I can enhance the sound of a bee making pollen recorded from a satellite. MIKE How can you possibly know that? BENJAMIN It’s been done. But what I can’t do is enhance sounds that weren’t picked up by a used camcorder because this firm is too cheap to go with my recommendation of the sixty-three thousand dollar “r-rx-ninety”. MIKE You didn’t really recommend that, did you? BENJAMIN It’s also good for making independent films on weekends. MIKE Okay. Benjamin, I need this audio or we’re screwed on a huge case. BENJAMIN Michael, look at these sound waves. MIKE Okay. There’s nothing there. BENJAMIN No, nothing. And that’s after twelve hours of maximum enhancement on the tape and six Red Bulls in me. MIKE Whoa. You shouldn’t be having that many Red Bulls. BENJAMIN I did it for you, Michael. HARVEY What do we have? MIKE Uh, nothing. HARVEY Then, we go with what we got. BENJAMIN What’s he talking about? MIKE He’s saying Stemple bluffed, so now, we’re going to bluff. JUDGE What exactly are we talking about here, gentlemen? HARVEY We want access to the raw data from his independent analysis. STEMPLE And I wish I’d had a vasectomy ten years ago. But raw data is work product and he has no right to it. JUDGE The Work Product Doctrine is fairly clear on this, Mr. Specter. MIKE Except in cases of misconduct, Your Honor, which is the situation here. STEMPLE What exactly are you accusing me of? MIKE At the end of our deposition, Mr. Stemple basically boasted that he plans to fix the findings of his analyst. STEMPLE That is a lie. I never said anything of the kind. MIKE What you mean to say is, you didn’t think our microphone would pick it up. STEMPLE So, let me get this straight. They’re doctoring a tape to accuse me of doctoring a report. JUDGE Mr. Stemple, you have a history of lying to me. So, if you’re on that tape saying anything close to what they’re claiming, I’ll not only sanction you, I’ll report you to the Bar. STEMPLE I’ll give them what they want. ENFIELD I have to admit, when I read six hundred million euros, I thought it was a typo. SCOTTIE It wasn’t. ENFIELD Baltic Freight can get a bottle of Riesling from an Alsatian vineyard to a Dubai Hotel in six hours. This is a steal. LOUIS I agree. This proposal? Most riveting thing I’ve read since “Fifty Shades of Gray”. LOUIS AND SCOTTIE But… SCOTTIE But the real upside for you is that I… LOUIS We. SCOTTIE Not exactly. Structured the deal to avoid U.S. taxes. ENFIELD By setting up a subsidiary with headquarters in Cyprus. SCOTTIE Where the rate is only five point seven percent. LOUIS Uh, wait a second. Uh, doesn’t that mean they would have to build in Cyprus? SCOTTIE Mm-hmm. And I’ve already locked up a developer. ENFIELD Yeah, I see that. The… The Whitner Group. LOUIS Whoa. I’m so sorry. Did you say Whitner Group? Right now, they’re being investigated by the “ftc” for fraud. SCOTTIE What? LOUIS It was just announced this morning. SCOTTIE Well, those are bogus charges concocted by a jealous competitor who will stop at nothing… LOUIS I’m so sorry, Tom. As Dana mentioned, I was “cc.’ed” on this. But I didn’t exactly have a chance to vet it. SCOTTIE Tom. ENFIELD Our reputation is everything, Ms. Scott. We can’t be in bed with criminals. LOUIS I will have another proposal over to you within the hour. ENFIELD Thank you, Louis. LOUIS Oh, and Tom, Scottie’s new. Okay? So, just cut her some slack. Because when those training wheels pop off, she’s going to be really, really good. SCOTTIE What the hell did you do? LOUIS Oh, nothing. I just called a friend at the “ftc” SCOTTIE You made up charges against a company just to get back at me? LOUIS I did nothing of the kind. I simply alerted a friend to some possible misdoings. SCOTTIE These are people. You are hurting their business. LOUIS Oh, please. Give me a break. They’re not publicly traded. They don’t have a stock price that will fall. And if they’re as clean as you say, I’m sure they’ll be exonerated. SCOTTIE But not in time for me to get Franklin’s business. LOUIS Oh, I don’t give a shit when they’re exonerated. You’re never getting Franklin’s business. SCOTTIE You really are a dick. LOUIS I’m Moby Goddamn Dick. And you just swam in my waters. STEMPLE Per your request. This is everything. HARVEY You didn’t just come over here to deliver work product. STEMPLE I’ve got a revised settlement offer. And before you say anything, it contains a provision prohibiting me from using it against you. HARVEY After what happened today, you think I’m going to settle? STEMPLE Please, Harvey, just take a look at it. HARVEY So, now that you need something, it’s Harvey, not Reginald. STEMPLE Settling is what you do. HARVEY Not with you. And the reason I’m not going to settle with you… STEMPLE I get it. I ducked you. HARVEY I could take the losing, the gloating, and the taunting. But what I can’t take is losing to a coward who’s too afraid to stand up and try to beat me again. STEMPLE I didn’t beat you the first time. HARVEY What the hell are you talking about? STEMPLE It was rigged. I bribed the jury. HARVEY What? STEMPLE That’s why I keep ducking you. HARVEY You’re telling me you cheated all three years? STEMPLE Once I won, I was the guy who beat Harvey Specter. There was no going back. HARVEY And you think admitting that now is going to make me settle? STEMPLE I’m coming clean because it’s time to put it to bed. HARVEY Put it to bed? You going to take an ad out in “The Crimson” saying you cheated just like you did when you beat me back then? STEMPLE Harvey. HARVEY No, no, I remember it. Muhammad Ali standing over Sonny Liston. Your face on Ali, mine on Liston. Every day for a week. You know who my hero was, Eliot? STEMPLE Ali. HARVEY That’s right, you piece of shit. STEMPLE You want to know why I did that? Because you were an arrogant bastard who skated through life without a care in the world, getting everything you wanted from anyone you needed. And you know what? If I had to do it again, I would do the exact same thing. HARVEY I’m not settling. You so much as think about breaking the law on this case… I guarantee you’ll end up in jail. LOUIS Is this… DONNA Yes. LOUIS With extra… DONNA Yes. LOUIS To what do I owe this honor? DONNA Dana Scott. LOUIS No. DONNA Hear me out. You won. I’m not saying you have to give in to her. I’m saying make amends with her. LOUIS Mm. And why would I want to do that? DONNA Well, it would help if you tried putting yourself in her shoes. LOUIS The same shoes that tried walking away with my client? DONNA Louis, all I’m saying is she came here from Darby International to be Harvey’s girlfriend. I’d say that’s enough baggage to deserve you cutting her some slack. LOUIS But I did cut her some slack, Donna. I bought her the world’s finest pashmina and she wiped her ass with it in return. DONNA Okay, I got it. You’re never going to like her. Forget I said anything. LOUIS Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Did Harvey send you here? DONNA No, Louis, he didn’t. Harvey doesn’t care about this. LOUIS Why do you? DONNA Because I know Harvey, I know Scottie, and I know you. And if somebody doesn’t back down, this isn’t going to end well. LOUIS Are you saying that you or Harvey are going to hold this against me? DONNA No, Louis, I’m not saying that. LOUIS Good. Because then I’ll tell you what I told him. If our friendship is dependent on this, then we do not have a friendship at all. DONNA It’s not. I was just trying to help. HARVEY Mr. Morris, please tell the court what the raw data indicates about the two companies’ microprocessors? And I remind you you’re under oath. MORRIS Both products operate at the exact same rate. HARVEY What you’re saying is our product is just as good as theirs. MORRIS I’m saying their performance is identical. HARVEY And yet, Janus dominates the marketplace. Why is that? STEMPLE Objection. Calls for speculation. HARVEY Oh, I’ll tell you why. It has nothing to do with product superiority and everything to do with Janus bullying its competitors. STEMPLE That’s not a question, nor is it Mr. Morris’ area of expertise. HARVEY No, it isn’t. Bullying is his client’s area of expertise. No further questions. STEMPLE Mr. Morris, you just testified that the microprocessors’ performance was identical. Is it possible that they are actually identical? MORRIS Anything is possible. STEMPLE How would that be? MORRIS Either it’s a one in a billion event or one of them stole the other one’s design. STEMPLE Mm. Your Honor, based on evidence introduced by opposing counsel and Mr. Morris’ testimony, I would like to file a countersuit against “ayz” for patent infringement. HARVEY That is outrageous. STEMPLE Oh. His client stole my client’s design. I am the one who is outraged. HARVEY This case has nothing to do with patent infringement. STEMPLE It does now, Reginald. SCOTTIE Move. We need to talk. LOUIS Not now, I’m carbo loading. SCOTTIE For what? LOUIS For you. We’re still at war. SCOTTIE No, we’re not. LOUIS So, what? You’re telling me you’re waving the white flag? SCOTTIE No. I am waving this. Bylaw “nineteen-point-five-slash-b”, in clear violation of “one-thirty-nine-slash-j”. LOUIS I got ratification per “one-thirty-nine-j”. SCOTTIE There wasn’t a quorum present. LOUIS Big deal. Technical violation. SCOTTIE Not for you. You’re on the bylaw committee. And do you know what the bylaws say about a member of the committee implementing an amendment without approval? LOUIS Immediate removal. SCOTTIE So, back the hell off my case. LOUIS This won’t stand. SCOTTIE Louis, I am warning you to not keep pursuing this. I’ve beaten you before and I will beat you again. LOUIS You’ve never beaten me before. SCOTTIE Haven’t I? Who do you think it was that assigned Nigel to go against you in the dissolution talks? Meow. LOUIS You’re the devil. SCOTTIE No. I’m not the devil. I’m a strategic thinker. Louis Litt. You are hereby notified that your services are no longer needed on Franklin Courier. And if you go around me, I will invoke “one-thirty-nine-J” on your ass. MIKE He set us up. HARVEY You think I don’t know that? He made our client look like a thief. MIKE It’s not true. HARVEY It doesn’t matter if it’s not true. Now, we’re on the defensive. STEMPLE Gentlemen. That settlement offer is about to get flipped on its ass. And thank you for introducing that evidence, because it wouldn’t have been credible coming from me. HARVEY You dropped that comment on purpose. STEMPLE I knew that camcorder wouldn’t pick it up. Just like I knew you would bluff to get that data. MIKE You made us work for it or we would have seen it coming. STEMPLE He would never have seen anything coming once I fed him that bullshit about bribing the jury. I’ve got your number, Reginald. I haven’t been ducking you. I’ve just been setting you up. I took a page from your hero’s playbook. Rope-a-dope. JESSICA I heard about today. HARVEY If you hadn’t, I’m sure there’ll be an ad about it in the paper tomorrow. JESSICA What? HARVEY Stemple says he’s got my number, and it’s true. I don’t know what to do. JESSICA What are our options? HARVEY For all I know, this deal’s the best I’m ever going to get. Stemple’s been outthinking me ever since I met him. You’re the only other person who’s ever done that. I need your help. JESSICA Have I ever told you about my high school Tennis career? HARVEY I didn’t even know you played. JESSICA I was thirty-eight and three. You know who handed me every one of those losses? HARVEY Eliot Stemple? JESSICA Marsha Myers. A five-foot-nothing math geek with a twenty mile-an-hour serve. I should have left a Marsha Myers skid mark on the court and never looked back. But instead, the little bitch was a human backboard. And I think about it to this day. HARVEY You’re saying I should take the deal because I can’t beat him? JESSICA I’m saying I know what it’s like to have an Eliot Stemple. So, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an instant response. Do you want to beat him or do you want to settle? HARVEY I want to leave an Eliot Stemple skid mark. JESSICA Then, there’s your answer. If he’s got your number, then what you want to do is what he wants you to do. MIKE Harvey. I’ve been looking at Stemple’s cases. JESSICA It doesn’t matter. MIKE What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? HARVEY We’re taking the settlement. MIKE You’re just going to give up? HARVEY Jessica has a plan. Fighting is stepping into a trap. We’d be giving him exactly what he wants. MIKE Jessica was wrong. JESSICA Is that a fact? MIKE You looked at it the right way. You just came to the wrong conclusion. Stemple wants us to fight, but I know why. He was on this case long before you and I came into the picture. What he wants… what he really wants… has nothing to do with you. STEMPLE Don’t you look ready to rumble. HARVEY We’re not. We want to take your deal. With one small change. STEMPLE I’m not lowering the amount. MIKE No, don’t worry. Instead of ten million dollars, we’d like to give you a hundred million. HARVEY Because that would still cost us less than if we fought you and you got this. STEMPLE I have no idea what that is. HARVEY Yes, you do. MIKE It’s the glue that enables “ayz.” to stack more microchips than you, and you’ve been after it for a year. HARVEY And when you saw me coming, you used the opportunity to bait me into introducing evidence so that you could turn it around and manufacture a suit to get your hands on that during discovery. STEMPLE You can’t prove that. HARVEY I can. When I ask your analyst why you hired him in the first place. MIKE He’s going to say that Janus needed the technology and was willing to do anything to get it. STEMPLE You don’t know that he’ll roll over on me. HARVEY Ali versus Liston. I’m going to make him roll over on you. So, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to drop the suit, publicly admit to wrongdoing, and pay us this. STEMPLE This will cost my client a fortune. MIKE Yeah, but it’s better than being convicted of corporate espionage. HARVEY Eliot, I’m giving you a dignified way out. A chance to really put it to bed. Now, the judge is going to bang that gavel in thirty seconds. When that happens, it’s going to be too late. STEMPLE We’ll take the deal. MIKE I’m just saying, if you’re going to quote a movie, quote a movie. HARVEY I got one word wrong. MIKE Well, it changed the entire meaning of the quote. HARVEY Not to me, it didn’t. That’s what I thought the quote was. MIKE Okay, fine. You want to be disrespectful to Martin Scorsese, you go right ahead. HARVEY Martin Scorsese didn’t even write the damn movie. MIKE Wow. HARVEY If anything, it’s disrespectful to the writer. MIKE Harvey, who cares about the writer? HARVEY I guess you’re right about that. DONNA Where have you two been? HARVEY I took him to dinner. DONNA Oh. That’s never happened before. MIKE Well, he’s never beaten A. Eliot Stemple before. DONNA No, he hasn’t. MIKE I wonder what could be different about this time. DONNA I didn’t work for him then. MIKE Yeah, but didn’t he duck Harvey the whole time you did work for him? DONNA Okay, fine. You were responsible for beating Stemple, but I was the one who told you about Harvey’s shameful losses in the first place. MIKE What does he always say? DONNA Oh and everything, Donna. Oh and everything. HARVEY Are you finished? DONNA Yes, thank you. Oh. And Jessica wanted to see you as soon as you got back. HARVEY She say what it’s about? DONNA No. But I was talking to Mike. MIKE Hmm. JESSICA I heard you won. MIKE Oh, we didn’t just win. JESSICA I know. You got a Fortune Five Hundred company to publicly admit wrongdoing. That doesn’t happen every day. MIKE So, why don’t you look happy? JESSICA I am happy about the win. But I got a call from the editor of “New York Lawyer”. And they want to interview the man responsible for making that happen. MIKE And you want to give Harvey the credit. JESSICA I want you to take your name off. MIKE I already did. This case was never for me. It was for Harvey. I took my name off as first chair the second we trapped Stemple. JESSICA I appreciate that. But because of this interview, you can’t be any chair. MIKE So, you don’t want me off this case so that Harvey can get the credit. You want me off the case so I don’t get anywhere near the spotlight. JESSICA In your position, the spotlight can become an interrogation lamp pretty damn fast. MIKE I understand. No spotlight. This is always how it’s going to be, isn’t it? JESSICA I thought you knew that. MIKE I guess I did. LOUIS Hey, can I talk to you? HARVEY Sure, Louis. What can I do for you? LOUIS Um… I’m sure you heard about about Dana Scott’s throttling of me. HARVEY I haven’t. You both wanted me to stay out of it, and I did. LOUIS Right. See, after Scottie took my case, I went to Jessica. I was after blood. And she told me… She told me that I bring these things on myself. And she was right. And that got me to wondering… What would have happened if I, uh… hadn’t shown up to that meeting late? So, I went to the library and I found a copy of the bylaws. Scottie underlined six different traps. She deliberately picked a fight to embarrass me. And I want to know if you knew. HARVEY She didn’t do it to embarrass you. She wanted to beat the meanest, toughest guy at the firm. LOUIS Okay. HARVEY It’s a sign of respect. LOUIS See, the problem with that is… when that guy loses, he’s done. He is no longer the meanest, baddest guy in the firm. He’s nothing. HARVEY Okay. Louis… what do want from me? LOUIS I need you to use your power to give me this case over Scottie. HARVEY I can’t do that. LOUIS Harvey, she can survive this. I can’t. HARVEY Louis. LOUIS Listen. You came to me and said I was your friend when you needed a favor. Well, I am now coming to you saying that I need a favor in return. HARVEY The last time we talked, you said if I value our friendship at all, I’d stay out of it. LOUIS I don’t care. I know how you operate. I let it go with Mike for you. And what I’m asking for in return doesn’t even come close. So… HARVEY I do operate that way, Louis. But not with my friends. So, I’m only going to ask you this once. Are you asking as a friend, or are you calling in a chit? LOUIS I’m calling in a chit. HARVEY So be it. LOUIS Are you mad? HARVEY I’m disappointed. LOUIS Harvey, I… I didn’t mean… HARVEY You can’t have it both ways, Louis. RACHEL Hi. MIKE The furniture came. RACHEL Look. I know we said that we’d go with all my choices, but it turns out you have got pretty good taste. MIKE Yes. Yes, I do. RACHEL So? MIKE Hmm? RACHEL What do you think? MIKE I, uh… I think that I can’t believe you did all of this…in one day. RACHEL Well, I’ve been working on it since I got home. I just wanted to have all of it ready so we could celebrate your big win. Was Harvey appreciative? MIKE Yeah. Yeah, you kidding? He took me out to dinner. RACHEL Oh, dinner. Next thing you know, you’ll be getting a promotion. MIKE Mm. Yeah. Next thing. HARVEY Hey. SCOTTIE Hey, yourself. I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in. You ready to celebrate? HARVEY I’m ready for a drink. SCOTTIE Well, hurry up. Because underneath these clothes, I am entirely naked. HARVEY Scottie. SCOTTIE What’s wrong? What? You were in such a good mood earlier. What happened? HARVEY I was. SCOTTIE But? HARVEY Scottie, I need you to give Louis his transaction back. SCOTTIE What? HARVEY He figured out that you set the whole thing up and he came to me. SCOTTIE So what? What does that have to do with anything? HARVEY You can survive this. He can’t. SCOTTIE Oh, my god. Wait. So, let me get this straight. Uh, Louis tells me that if I lose, I can’t go running to my boyfriend. And then, he turns around and does the exact same thing? HARVEY Scottie, I need you to do this. SCOTTIE Does this have something to do with that favor he did you? HARVEY Yes. SCOTTIE Okay. Tell me what it is. HARVEY I can’t. SCOTTIE Guess we’re not sharing everything with each other after all. HARVEY Scottie. SCOTTIE Harvey, before you say what you’re about to say, I need to know. Am I talking to my boyfriend or am I talking to a name partner? HARVEY That depends on your answer. SCOTTIE You can’t have it both ways, Harvey. HARVEY Then, you’re talking to a name partner.