BELLY_BAG COSTUME_BOY EVIL_WIZARD FAMILY GIRL GIRL_1 KIDS LAUNDRY_DUDE LITTLE_BOY LITTLE_GIRL MR_GUS PATRONS PATRON_MAN PATRON_WOMAN PEOPLE PERSON PIZZA_STEVE RIDE_ATTENDANT RIDE_ATTENDENAT RIDE_ATTENDENT UNCLE_GRANDPA UNCLE GRANDPA Welcome one and all to the grand opening of the highly anticipated, long awaited, never underestimated, um, not deflated, always gyrated, Uncle Grandpa Land!! Come on in friends, and experience the world’s fastest built amusement park! PEOPLE MR GUS Sure is a lot of people. UNCLE GRANDPA Yeah, maybe I should’ve charged admission. KIDS PIZZA STEVE Gotta say, Uncle G, I’m impressed. And I’m not even referring to myself this time. UNCLE GRANDPA You’re talking about all these bricks on the ground, right? Well, we used over 15 thousand bricks to pave the streets of Uncle Grandpa Land, and each one was hand-crafted and imported from Miami. Spared no expense. But honestly, I could talk about bricks all day. UNCLE GRANDPA What I wanna know is what ride you guys are gonna go on on first? Cause I was thinking of hitting up Uncle Grandpa’s RV-Safari! FAMILY BELLY BAG Ooo, I’m gonna try the Belly Bag Sag! PEOPLE Yeah!! Ughh! MR GUS Personally, I’ve been looking forward to “Mr. Gus’s Bench Experience.” PIZZA STEVE Pftt! Those are all lame, baby rides. The cool dudes know where the real action is. Pizza Steve’s Scream Supreme! UNCLE GRANDPA Wow, Pizza Steve. That there ride is a perfect representation of you and the extreme lifestyle you choose to live. Okay, guys! Let’s make like a brick and split! PIZZA STEVE All right, time for Pizza Steve to stop living a lie and finally experience true joy! Watch out! Step aside, buddy. That’s right. Celebrity slice coming through! RIDE ATTENDANT Whoa. Stop right there, little baby. PIZZA STEVE Baby?! RIDE ATTENDENT This ride is not for little babies, so go prove you’re not a little baby, little baby. PIZZA STEVE Excuse me? In case you weren’t aware, this roller coaster is based on me, Pizza Steve! And my radical way of living. So if you’ll kindly move your greasy face, I’d like to get on my ride! Good timing, boys. Take this ill-informed clown away! What?! What do you think you’re doing?! I’m Pizza Steve! You can’t do this to me! MR GUS Holy smokes!! What an experience!! Hehe, I think I might ride this again. Ooo, Riveting! PIZZA STEVE Mr. Gus, Mr. Gus! I need you to pick me up and throw me really hard over that fence over there because there’s this guy— MR GUS Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there! You had me at “throw you really hard.” I’d be glad to. PIZZA STEVE Sweet! But you gotta be gentle! MR GUS I can be gentle. PIZZA STEVE Not really what I had in mind, but I guess it’ll do. MR GUS Bon voyage! PIZZA STEVE Ha hah!! I’m totally gonna make it over that fence! Ya know, it’s times like these that make me realize how smart I really am. Oh no. Losing momentum! Ahh!!!! Oof! I only wanted to love. RIDE ATTENDANT PIZZA STEVE Nya-oooooowwo!!! Hey, Belly Bag! BELLY BAG Oh, hi Pizza Steve. Isn’t this park great?! PIZZA STEVE Ya, it’s just wonderful. Listen, I thought I’d come by to congratulate you. BELLY BAG Really? For what? PIZZA STEVE Cause you’ve just been selected to go on a ride with your favorite pal, Pizza Steve!! Pretty awesome, right? BELLY BAG Well, that does sound like fun, but I’ve been waiting in line all day for one of those Nasty Turkey Legs. PIZZA STEVE Ohh! Don’t be so selfish, Belly Bag! You’re coming with me, and you’re gonna love it. BELLY BAG But, but! The turkey legs! PIZZA STEVE Look at him, so smug. He thinks he won? He didn’t win! Pizza Steve’s gonna win. BELLY BAG Um, what exactly is this about, Pizza Steve? PIZZA STEVE Huh? Oh, nothing. Just super stoked about going on a sweet ride with my friend. Now go over there and don’t act like you know me. BELLY BAG Hello! One, please. RIDE ATTENDANT Hmm. Gotta check if you’re tall enough to ride first. Welp, you barely made it. Enjoy the ride. PIZZA STEVE Yes!! All right, Belly Bag! Get yer keester on that coaster! BELLY BAG Wait, what?! PERSON BELLY BAG That’s the ride you want me to get on?! No way, Jose! Too rich for my blood. PIZZA STEVE Belly Bag, what’re you doing?! Turn around, the ride’s back there! No!! Stop!! BELLY BAG Now this is more my speed! KIDS PIZZA STEVE But, this is a kid’s ride! BELLY BAG Yay!! PIZZA STEVE No!! KIDS PIZZA STEVE Ahh!! Oh, you just think you’re Pizza Steve’s gift to theme parks, don’t you?! Huh? Hold the anchovies… what’s this? I think I’ve got a plan. GIRL Hey Jimmy! RIDE ATTENDENAT Oh boy, oh boy, churros!! Gimmie Gimmie! GIRL Uh, I was wondering if you’re not busy Saturday night? I was gonna have a quiet evening at home, maybe watch a sci-fi movie or something. Maybe you’d like to come over? RIDE ATTENDANT Geez, Stephanie. Can’t you take a hint? I don’t go out with nerds! PIZZA STEVE Yes! Perfect opportunity to strike! Pizzee Steevzieee, you a vicious little baby! You got that sneaky juice! GIRL Maybe some other time then? I really feel like we’ve got a connection. I mean, I keep turning down offers from other guys hoping one day you and I might be able to go out. PIZZA STEVE RIDE ATTENDANT What the-?! Not the chiggity churros!! Come back!! GIRL Oh no! Jimmy! Oh gosh, let me help you! RIDE ATTENDANT No! Only thing that can help are these chiggity churros! Nom nom nom! GIRL Okay, I can overlook a lot of things, but this churro thing is a little gross. RIDE ATTENDANT Oh, ch-ch-chiggity churros! GIRL Ew. PIZZA STEVE Aw yeah son. Now that—is what I am talking about. UNCLE GRANDPA To prevent injury and death, make sure your lap thing-y is down and snug on your belly. Right, Pizza Steve? PIZZA STEVE Huh? Ya, whatever. Easy! Oh no! KIDS PIZZA STEVE Ahh!! I made a mistake!! This is so not cool! My beautiful cheese! Ahhh!! Ahhh!! Make it stop!! Ahhh!! LITTLE GIRL Hi, Uncle Grandpa! UNCLE GRANDPA Good mornin! COSTUME BOY Uh, it’s hot in this head. LITTLE BOY UNCLE GRANDPA You hear that, Mr. Gus’s? Sounds like everyone at Uncle Grandpa Land Is having a great time. PIZZA STEVE Help me!! UNCLE GRANDPA Yep! A terrifyingly great time. PIZZA STEVE Someone please stop this ride! Oh man, this is my chance to stop the ride. Hnnnh! Hold on tight Pizza Steve! What did I do to deserve this?! This was my ride!! PIZZA STEVE Based on my extreme lifestyle. UNCLE GRANDPA I wonder what Pizza Steve thought of his roller coaster? PIZZA STEVE UNCLE GRANDPA Pizza Steve! What do you say, ready for another go-around? PIZZA STEVE I’d love to Uncle G, but I’m too short for this one. UNCLE GRANDPA Actually, you’re plenty tall, buddy! Let’s go! PIZZA STEVE No. Please no!! Ahh!!! UNCLE GRANDPA Cowabunga mornin’! EVIL WIZARD Behold! I am Evil Wizard! Here to barrage you with unmitigated eevil! EVIL WIZARD Nothing can prepare you for my evil wrath! All of your nightmares will—eh. Nothing? Fine. Let’s see, which one of these poor suckers should feel my evil wrath? Nah. EVIL WIZARD No thank you. Ugh, you wish. Bingo! Now this pathetic loser is what I’m talking about! Let’s see…hah! This oughta do the trick! I’ve gotta admit, I love being evil. LAUNDRY DUDE Huh? Weird. Oh well, I’m over it. Guess I should wear something clean. Hnnh! What the?! Hnnh! I don’t get it, what’s going on? EVIL WIZARD LAUNDRY DUDE Huh? Who’re you? EVIL WIZARD Look at you! You are such an ignoramus! Evil Wizard strikes again! LAUNDRY DUDE Hnnh! PATRONS PATRON WOMAN Ooo, he’s good.ok PATRON MAN Uh-I gotta get this on video! PATRON WOMAN Here’s my number.! Let’s go dancin’sometime! EVIL WIZARD Wait, wait, wha-what?! I mean, technically I should get credit here. Well, whatever. Like I need the approval of a bunch of lame-o’s that hang out in a laundry mat. PEOPLE EVIL WIZARD Well, at least I ruined his sweater. Oh no! I almost forgot about my 4 o’clock Power Yoga Class! GIRL 1 Bye, Tina! Great session today. EVIL WIZARD Bye, Rachel! Bye, Diane! See you guys at the Farmer’s Market this weekend! Namaste! Really feels good to be at one with my inner evil.