CHARLES COLIN DIANA JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MAN MAX MONTANA RICHARD WOMAN MAGGIE So all you really know is that Kelsey took an Uber to Josh's last night? LIZA Yes, after midnight. MAGGIE Well, maybe she's just crashing there. LIZA Or maybe... MAGGIE No, no, no, no. I don't think so. That's not Kelsey or Josh. LIZA I know, but, you know, a little alcohol, a little commiseration. I mean, they're both in their 20--why are we going on Barry? MAGGIE I am rerouting you. You don't need to walk past Josh's to get to the L. LIZA Well, so am I just supposed to avoid his street forever? MAGGIE Yes. Never face a painful situation when you can just skulk around it. KELSEY Oh, coffee. Oh, coffee filters. Nope. KELSEY Oh. I thought you were sleeping. JOSH Nope. Not really sleeping much these days. KELSEY I know what you mean. My brain is, like, buzzing from this Liza thing. It's so insane. JOSH Yeah, well, you're pretty much the only person in the world that understands what I've been going through. KELSEY Yeah, we're, like, in Liza recovery together. JOSH Mm, now first rule of recovery, do not use the L-word. KELSEY Got it, and the second rule? JOSH Grits. KELSEY Grits? JOSH Grits. Yeah, a little bit of cheese, some bacon. That's how you start your morning right in the mean, mountain state of West Virginia. KELSEY I'm from Texas, darlin'. You are speaking my language. JOSH Texas? What--do you two-step? KELSEY Do I two-step. You have so much to learn about me. JOSH LAUREN You did spend the night at Josh's. What is happening? KELSEY Oh, my God, this is an ambush. LAUREN Did you hook up? KELSEY We did not. I'm just staying here for a while. LAUREN What? What do you mean "staying here for a while"? KELSEY How do you even know I'm here? KELSEY You took my Uber so I followed you on the app. LAUREN Have you been here all night? LAUREN No. After, like, my 400th unanswered text, I decided to just come here and catch your walk of shame. KELSEY It's not a walk of shame. LAUREN But you're living with Josh, dude. There are so many dots to connect. Okay, he and Liza were practically engaged. What--what broke them up? LAUREN I do not know, but it had nothing to do with me. LAUREN And yet you moved in with him. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Are you sure you didn't bang him? At least a little dry humping? KELSEY Can you drop it, okay? LAUREN Got it. Boundaries, yes. So into them, mm-hmm. You can tell me tonight at the House of Yes. LAUREN House of what? LAUREN Ooh, it's this naughty, Cirque du Solei-ish dinner thing. Max finally got a night off, so I'm making him be fun, and you're coming with us. KELSEY But I... LAUREN Nope, nope, it's a House of "Yes," Kels, okay? There are no "no's" allowed. I'll see you tonight. Bring a date. Josh. MONTANA Here you go. MAGGIE Hmm, that's a work of art. MONTANA That means a lot coming from you. You're Maggie Amato, right? MAGGIE Yeah, that's me. MONTANA I love your work. Your last show, the Yves Klein homage, was life changing. I had, like, five Snapchat stories that were nothing but that show. MAGGIE Thanks, I guess. MONTANA I'm sorry to fangirl all over you. It's just very cool to meet you. MAGGIE Nice to meet you too, Montana. Sorry, I don't wanna hold up the line. MONTANA Wait, come here. Fifth one's free. MAGGIE Hmm, thanks. DIANA The reviews for Kelsey's boyfriend's book are out. LIZA Ex-boyfriend. They broke up. DIANA Mm, she'll be thrilled. Kirkus said it was "flabby and indulgent," and the "Times" didn't like it either. LIZA I wonder what "Publisher’s Weekly" said. DIANA Liza, read on your own time. That cover art needs Charles's signature ASAP. LIZA Okay. CHARLES Come in. LIZA Are you okay? CHARLES Um, my back is out. LIZA Oh, no, a spasm? CHARLES Uh, yeah. Yeah, it happens sometimes. LIZA Um, do you mind if I... CHARLES Uh, okay. LIZA I--see if I can... CHARLES Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy. LIZA I know. Is that it? CHARLES Yeah. LIZA I--oh, sorry. CHARLES Okay, okay, ow. LIZA It's okay. Sometimes if you massage the area just above it, it helps release the spasm. CHARLES Ah. Oh, yeah, that's--oh, wow, that's actually a little bit better. LIZA You need ice and Ibuprofen. Eventually, you're gonna wanna alternate heat and ice, but not today. LIZA How do you know so much about this? LIZA My, um--friend's husband has a bad back. CHARLES How old is he? CHARLES Older. In his 40s. CHARLES Is that unusual among your friends? LIZA Oh, uh, we--we don't really think about that. We just...party. CHARLES Um, can I ask you to... LIZA Yeah. CHARLES Could you please get me that Ibuprofen? Hi, Bob. No, no, no, feeling great. Uh, let's just hear the numbers. LIZA Take these. Here you go. CHARLES Thank you. CHARLES Okay. So--so we're actually up from where we were? All right, so you can work with that. Right. MAN Excuse me, can you sign for these? LIZA Oh, yeah, of course. Hey. These are for you. KELSEY Thanks, but I'm not really sure flowers are gonna make our situation any better. LIZA No, they're not from me. They're, um... uh, they're from Colin. His name was on the receipt. Diana said the reviews are awful. Can't wait to read 'em. You always said it was 200 pages too long. KELSEY Yeah, I guess so. I've got some emails to return. LIZA Yeah, okay. I'll see you in the staff meeting. KELSEY Mm-hmm. LIZA Hey, are you okay? Did you find a place to stay and...? KELSEY Yeah. I found a place. DIANA In this turbulent world full of strife and anxiety, people need a place of peace. Hygge. The Danish art of comfort, offers a cure. And the definitive guidebook has become Empirical's very own "Getting Hygge With It." Now, our author, Hans Pater Jorgen, is ending his 12-week tour here and rather than throwing a party at some Danish restaurant, I thought it would be more personal and in the spirit of Hygge to host at my home. KELSEY Isn't Hygge about being... cozy? DIANA Yeah. KELSEY I've been to your home, it's... DIANA Elegant, yes. I plan to Hygge it up. You know. So, Saturday, 7:00 sharp. There will be press, so I expect everyone to bring a plus one. CHARLES Can Millennial help the book with a online push? LIZA Oh, uh, we're doing a segment on "Strong Opinions Loosely Held," and Medium is doing a piece tying our title with Bobby Flay's new fondue cookbook. KELSEY Also, the college interns are making some memes, so maybe one of them will go viral. DIANA All right, once and for all, can someone please explain what a "meme" is? CHARLES I'm glad you asked. Um, I'm not sure I understand either. LIZA Well, the technical definition is "a cultural item that's "transmitted by repetition in a manner similar to the biological transmission of genes." DIANA No. CHARLES Can you give an example? LIZA Well, the Internet versions are, like, funny photos or little videos, but the analog version is, like, uh, "Kilroy was here." DIANA Oh. CHARLES Uh, uh, what about, uh, "keep on trucking"? LIZA Yeah. DIANA "Where's the beef?" LIZA Exactly! KELSEY What are you guys talking about? No, no, a meme is, like, a picture of a cat that says stupid things like, "I can haz cheezburger." Or Salt Bae. LIZA Right. Oh, Salt Bae. That is--it's so--that's so funny. Just whenever it's like... CHARLES Well, as long as it's good for the book, may we all have a profitable journey across the Salt Bay. DIANA Hear, hear. KELSEY You really have no idea what a meme is. I can't believe I've been so blind. MAGGIE Hey. I'm here to get my hole punched. MONTANA Hi. I was hoping you'd be back. Cappuccino? MAGGIE Please. Love the shirt. What's on the back? MONTANA It's the state of Montana, actually. I painted it. MAGGIE You're an artist? MONTANA Yeah, yeah. Not like you, but, yeah. MAGGIE Well, I think it's beautiful. MONTANA Well, thank you. MAGGIE You know, I'm working on some new paintings. You wanna come check 'em out sometime? MONTANA Are you kidding? Yes! MAGGIE Text me when you're free. MONTANA Okay. You know, the girl in the next shift is running late, but I should be getting off soon. MAGGIE Oh, I have a feeling you will be. See ya. MONTANA Bye. LIZA Who knew there were so many candle scents. Bavarian Pretzel. Mm. Library books. Nostalgic Snow. DIANA Nostalgic Snow? What is that, old snow? Isn't that water? Who cares? Throw it in. It's on sale. We need to Hygge my place up. LIZA Okay, who needs a pillow this big? DIANA Oh, that's a body pillow. You know, for girls who can't get a man. I obviously don't need one since I have Richard to cuddle with. And when I say "cuddle," I actually mean... LIZA That's nice. I miss cuddling. DIANA It's too bad about you and Josh. It's never pleasant to be dumped. LIZA I didn't get dumped. We just--you know, we wanted different things. DIANA So you chose to be alone? Really, Liza, it's always best to be honest with oneself. It's how we grow. Ooh, Mongolian lambskin. DIANA We should keep the tags on these so we can return them after the party, and by "we" I mean you. COLIN Wow. Is it possible you got more beautiful since the last time I saw you? KELSEY No. You just weren't paying attention. COLIN Well, I am now. Trust me. KELSEY That may take some time. COLIN Understood. Look, I know I was a cliché letting all that attention go to my head. Does it help to say I know I've been a total ass? And that I'm truly, truly sorry? KELSEY It's a good start. But you're gonna have to do a lot more. COLIN Like what? KELSEY I don't know. I'm gonna think of something. COLIN What is this place? KELSEY Oh, you'll see. There's Lauren and Max. Guys, you remember Colin. MAX Oh, you came to that party at my apartment. You live on Roosevelt Island, right? COLIN Uh, no. MAX Oh, sorry, you're the twin? COLIN What? LAUREN Oh, it's not your fault, baby. Kelsey has a very specific type. KELSEY No, I don't. LAUREN Mm, okay. Uh, here we go. Thad, Chad, Tram Slam, this guy. COLIN This guy? LAUREN Yeah, they're all the same. 6 foot, corn fed, sandy blonde, sensible stubble. COLIN I take it these are your exes? LAUREN Yeah, she can't help it. She's a dopple-banger. WOMAN Has anybody at this table been naughty? WOMAN Hmm. You two. Come with me. KELSEY Ooh. LAUREN WOMAN How do you like that? KELSEY I'd like it to be harder. [WHACKS] KELSEY Harder. WOMAN Do you wanna try? KELSEY I would love to. COLIN Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. COLIN Ah! LIZA Hey. JOSH Hey. LIZA Uh, you don't usually take Barry. JOSH Yeah, uh, I was trying to avoid Bedford. LIZA Yeah, me too. JOSH Yeah. LIZA So how are you? JOSH No. No, we're not doing this. RICHARD Mini-quiches are ready. LIZA Yep, I got it. RICHARD Oh, no, I don't have any star anise. LIZA Oh, here. Use, um, caraway seeds. Here you go. DIANA We're out of, uh... LIZA Oh, Havarti and Grinzola. DIANA I know this is a Hygge party, and it's supposed to be relaxing, but it's hard to be relaxed when your guest of honor is late. LIZA I'll call him. RICHARD It's easy to see why Diana leans on you so much. LIZA Yeah. RICHARD I mean, you don't have to be a therapist to know that she has some trust issues, but not with you. You're one of the very few people she has complete faith in. LIZA That's, uh... nice to hear. Hi. How's your back? CHARLES Uh, it's better. A little better. LIZA Mulled wine should help. CHARLES Thank you. That's hot. KELSEY Wow. COLIN Liza, hi. LIZA Colin. KELSEY Hello. LIZA Hi. COLIN Oh, hey, you never introduced me to your boss. KELSEY Oh, of course. Charles, this is the notorious Colin McNichol. Colin, Charles Brooks, my brilliant boss. COLIN Charles. CHARLES Colin, very nice to meet you, and, uh, I'm sorry to hear about Random House. COLIN Yeah, appreciate that. That was a surprise. KELSEY What happened? COLIN They dropped the option on my second book. KELSEY When did that happen? COLIN Yesterday. Uh, bad move on their part. It's a great idea. Can I tell you about it? CHARLES Uh, sure. COLIN So imagine if the voyages of Christopher Columbus were financed by Catherine of Aragon instead of Isabella of Spain. DIANA So I'm obsessed with the complicated relationship that women have with power. How we can be vulnerable, but predators at the same time. MONTANA Yes, the contrast is so strong. I-I really love it. MAGGIE Thanks. MONTANA If you ever need an assistant, I would be so into helping you out. I could stir your paint. I could stretch your canvas. MAGGIE Really? MONTANA Yeah. MAGGIE Well, that sounds like an offer too good to refuse. MONTANA Oh, my God, okay. MAGGIE What? MONTANA Oh, my God, I'm so sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I'm such a gigantic fan of yours. I'm just--I'm... I'm straight. [BOTH LAUGH] MAGGIE Oh. MONTANA I hope that's okay. MAGGIE That's okay. That's fine. Some of my best friends are straight. MONTANA Okay, good. Good. MAGGIE Mm... but I have a show coming up in a month, so if you're still interested, I could use the help. MONTANA Oh, my God, really? MAGGIE Yeah, yeah. MONTANA I would love that. MAGGIE Yeah, great, fantastic. Well, come here. I'll show you my stuff. MONTANA Okay. LIZA Look, I know you don't want my advice, but are you sure it's a good idea to let Colin back into your life? KELSEY What? LIZA From the minute you guys got here, he has been all over Charles. KELSEY What are you saying? LIZA I-I don't trust him. KELSEY Oh, you don't trust him. That's funny. LIZA Okay, I'm only saying this because I care about you. KELSEY You care about me? Do you really wanna do this here? LIZA Yes, I--you know what... Of course I care about you. Very deeply. That's why I wanna see you with a good guy. You discovered Colin, you supported him through the entire editing process, and the minute he got successful, he didn't have time for you. That is until he needs you again. I was married to a guy like that, and you deserve better. You deserve someone who treasures you, who--who opens doors, who walks on the outside of a sidewalk. KELSEY Okay, all right, what kind of old lady lace curtain handbook is that out of? Huh? Liza, stop pretending to have a clue about how I think or who I am. You know nothing. You don't even know what a meme is. LIZA Yes, I do. Lauren just sent me one. KELSEY That's not a meme. LIZA It has meme font. How is that not a meme. KELSEY It just isn't. LIZA Well, then what the hell is a meme? KELSEY You--you just know it when you see it! Do you have any other questions? LIZA Just one. Why are you living with Josh? KELSEY Because he needed a roommate. LIZA And you're the only person that he could find? KELSEY I am the only person that understands what he's going through. LIZA Kelsey, just wait. KELSEY Let's go. COLIN But I was right in the middle of the... KELSEY I need to go now. COLIN I'll call you. CHARLES Are, um, Kelsey and Liza fighting? DIANA Yes, apparently, Kelsey stole Liza's boyfriend. 20-something drama. You can't stop them from acting their age. COLIN I'm sure you guys will make up. KELSEY I am--I really don't think so. COLIN Well, the good news is, I think Charles is interested in the second book. I should text my agent. KELSEY Hey, can I have that cab? WOMAN Sure. KELSEY JOSH Hey, roomie! Why don't you join us? KELSEY Thanks. I'm gonna go to bed. JOSH Yo, I'll be right back. JOSH Kelsey. You okay? KELSEY Colin is an asshole. I don't know how I didn't see it. JOSH Ah, man. I'm sorry. KELSEY It's like, I don't think I can trust my instincts anymore. I-I have seriously lost my ability to judge people's character. First, I was wrong about Liza, and then... JOSH Liza, Liza, Liza! I'm so tired of talking about Liz--Whoa. Lies. Uh. Lies-uh. Lies-uh. Lies-uh-lies. JOSH I can't. KELSEY My God. Well, we should have just known all along. JOSH Oh, my God. Come on. Let's go. Get your ass out there. Yeah, that sounds good, boys. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You ready to show me some of those two-step moves of yours? KELSEY Oh, hell, yeah. JOSH Yeah?