CHARLES DIANA EMILY HEIDI JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MARYLYNNE MAX LIZA I was alone, on the verge of bankruptcy, with a daughter in college and a deadbeat husband who I finally got the guts to throw out the door. I worked at Random House right out of college for three years before I quit to raise Caitlin, My mom passed away that year, and my daughter needed me. When I was ready to go back to work, no one would give me a chance--literally nobody. Maggie had this crazy idea that I lie about my age on my resume. I was so desperate, I was ready to try anything. There were so many times that I wanted to tell you, but then we started Millennial, and I knew you needed me to be the person you believed I was. Sometimes I believed it myself. I know it was selfish, but the longer it went on, the harder it became to tell you the truth. KELSEY Why even tell me now? LIZA Because I couldn't keep deceiving the people I love most. And, Kelsey, next to my own daughter, and Maggie, you're the most precious thing in the world to me. KELSEY Wow! I feel like I'm in an episode of "Black Mirror" or something. I think that's all I can deal with for one night. We can talk more tomorrow. LIZA Yeah. We can keep talking for as long as you like. Uh...take my room. I'll sleep with Maggie. KELSEY Thanks. Good night. MAGGIE Night. LIZA Good night. "Black Mirror"? MAGGIE Beats me. LIZA Thank you. LIZA They'll probably fire me. I just hope they don't sue me. You know what? Let 'em try. It's not like I have anything to lose. MAGGIE You know, I don't know why you suddenly feel the need to unburden yourself to everyone, starting with Kelsey. You're not doing her any favors. LIZA I can't keep lying to the people I love, even if it means they're not gonna like me very much anymore. MAGGIE Sometimes lying to the people you love best is the most loving thing you can do. LIZA You should like a twisted fortune cookie. MAGGIE I accept that. [PHONE CHIMES] LIZA I gotta get Kelsey up for work. We're gonna be late for the morning meeting. MAGGIE Mm. LIZA Kelsey, we should start thinking about heading to the office. Kelsey? [POP MUSIC] LIZA Good morning. DIANA Morning. LIZA Oh, good, you're here. KELSEY Of course. Where else would I be? LIZA Well, you kinda disappeared last night. I was worried about you. KELSEY What can I help you with? LIZA Kelsey, we have to talk. I'm not gonna burden you with this secret. KELSEY Right now, I'm more concerned about how this happened. You bought that stupid labradoodle book behind my back. LIZA Emily Burns did some digging. She found out about my real age, threatened to write a story about me in "EW" unless we published her book. KELSEY I begged you not to buy that book. LIZA I know. I was just trying to protect... KELSEY Yourself. DIANA Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt your morning gossip, but Marylynne Keller, the famous Washington spin doctor, is waiting for us in the conference room to pitch her new book. She has to leave in ten minutes to be on "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, so let's move. MARYLYNNE The title of my book--"It's True Because I'm Shouting It: Confessions of a Washington Spin Doctor." Because after 20 years behind the scenes of shaping policy and perception, I'm ready to take a good, long leak. I'm ready to take you through the stories of how I shaped the narrative, from making people believe that George W. Bush just loved to "clear brush on his ranch" to the universal perception that Michelle Obama is a down-to-earth fashion plate. LIZA Well, isn't she? MARYLYNNE Well, if you think so, then it must be true. But how did that happen? MARYLYNNE Because she managed to be both down-to-earth and glamorous? MARYLYNNE And who would disagree with you? Nobody. You say something loud, you say it often, then when people contradict you, they sound like defensive babies. The bottom line: Truth... is a four-letter word. CHARLES Uh, actually, truth is a five-letter word. MARYLYNNE Not the way I spell it. It's important not to confuse the truth with the facts, and vice versa. DIANA I'm not sure I... see the difference. MARYLYNNE Okay. The reality is, a fact is a factotum. And according to Webster's, a factotum is a "jack-of-all-trades," certainly not something to trust or rely on. DIANA Those are two completely different words. MARYLYNNE You're a very attractive woman. And I love that necklace. And I don't care if you are transgender. DIANA Uh--I'm not, um... MARYLYNNE Either way, I don't care. The fact of your gender identity is irrelevant to me. DIANA I'm a woman. MARYLYNNE And I applaud that. CHARLES Marylynne, thank you so much for meeting with us. MARYLYNNE Oh, the pleasure was mine. CHARLES Thank you. MARYLYNNE Thank you. CHARLES So much. MARYLYNNE Oh, you're welcome. Thank you. CHARLES Okay. I, uh, hear the opening offer's 2 million. DIANA Assuming we want it. CHARLES It's going to be a big title for someone. Thoughts? KELSEY Very enlightening. DIANA You can't be serious! She is a one-woman reality distortion field! CHARLES Liza? LIZA I think truth is more elastic than we can imagine. But it still has value. Because without it, there is no trust. And without trust... there is no love. And that is why I have to confess something extremely difficult to a group of people that I have come to love very much... and to whom I owe so much. And whose forgiveness I wouldn't have the presumption to ask for. DIANA What? What is it? LIZA I'm not... KELSEY Going to marry... Josh. Josh... he proposed, and... Liza, I know that this has been really hard for you. DIANA Oh, for God's sake. This is a business meeting! We do not discuss our personal lives. I apologize for that, Charles. CHARLES It's fine. DIANA Liza... We need to talk. KELSEY Uh... give us a moment first. Are you crazy? LIZA No. Yes. I don't know anymore. Probably. KELSEY If you tell people that you've been lying about your age, what do you think is going to happen to Millennial? Our credibility will be destroyed, and every hater out there who would just love to see us fail will get their wish. LIZA So I just keep lying? KELSEY No. You...create your truth. I Googled you earlier, and the only thing I could find... Was this. A prized pig in Iowa named Liza Miller. LIZA I actually hired someone to make myself invisible online. KELSEY That's where you went wrong. You are who your last ten search results say you are. We need to rewrite your narrative, create some alternative facts. LAUREN Oh, this is so sad. No Twitter, no Tumblr, no Spotify playlists? LIZA I've always been a very private person. LAUREN Um, privacy is just another word for low self-esteem, okay, Liza? You don't value anything you say or do. That's why you're still an assistant. KELSEY Okay, all right, we're not here to criticize. We're here to help her... shout her truth. LAUREN Mm-hmm. Of course. We need to build your social media profile. That's what I do. When I first met Hector and Dorff, they thought Instagram was something that went up your nose, okay? Three million followers later, well... KELSEY We need to give Liza an online identity. All right? It's important for Millennial that people have a strong sense of who she is. LAUREN Okay. So who do you wanna be? A bookworm with a slutty streak? Workaholic hipster? Ooh, I know, I know, I know! Maybe you're a feisty blonde who doesn't call her friends back. Wait. No. That's Kelsey. KELSEY Lauren, I'm sorry. I had a rough week. LAUREN Oh... KELSEY Colin and I broke up. LAUREN Oh. Okay, wait--and you were gonna tell me this when? KELSEY Soon. LAUREN But you went to cry on Liza's shoulder? LIZA Actually, we've been crying on each other's shoulders. Josh and I broke up too. LAUREN Ah, I see, I see. Okay, uh-huh. So you've both been bonding over your mutual heartbreak, and you feel like you have nothing in common with a happy person? So, what--I'm odd woman out? LIZA No, of course not. KELSEY We love you. LAUREN You know, it's not like my life is perfect, okay? Max works ridiculous shifts. He comes home at crazy hours. There's not even time for sex. KELSEY I'm sorry. LAUREN Last night, I sat on his nocturnal erection while he was sleeping, okay? In some cultures, that would be considered rape. LIZA Yeah, pretty much in every culture. LAUREN Whoops. CHARLES Liza. I certainly hope that broken engagement had nothing to do with me. LIZA No. When we got down to it, it wasn't what I wanted. And I'm really focused on work right now. CHARLES That's important. LIZA Yeah. CHARLES Good night. LIZA Good night. CHARLES Uh, L-Liza? Are you a Hemingway fan? LIZA I, uh, love "The Sun Also Rises"? Not so much "The Old Man and the Sea," but "A Moveable Feast"--pretty much my bible in college. I still have dreams of moving to Paris. CHARLES Would you like to join me for something? I think you might find this interesting. LIZA Okay. CHARLES Hemingway's original draft of "Farewell to Arms"... LIZA CHARLES With his handwritten notes. LIZA Wow! CHARLES And, uh, that is the original Three Mountains Press edition of his first collection of short stories--published in Paris in 1924. LIZA "The Moveable Feast" years. Amazing! Are you thinking of buying something? CHARLES Uh, no, I'm selling. LIZA What? All this belongs to you? CHARLES No, my parents. My dad loved Hemingway. There's actually a picture of the two of them somewhere together in Sun Valley. And I wanted to come by and take one last look. LIZA That must be tough. CHARLES Uh, not at all. This is... history, and I'm... more interested in the future. LIZA Wait. Hemingway wrote love letters to Marlene Dietrich? CHARLES Yeah. That's the 1950s version of sexting. LIZA I never knew they had a thing! CHARLES They didn't, exactly, um... Hemingway once called the two of them "victims of unsynchronized passion." CHARLES Excuse me for one second. Old friends of my parents. HEIDI This is the living room. We split the cable bill. That's the kitchen. There's always Kombucha brewing, so help yourself. KELSEY Oh! HEIDI And the bedroom. KELSEY Oh... KELSEY My bedroom? HEIDI No. It's a shared bed. We could... make a pillow wall, if you want. KELSEY Josh! Hey! Hey. I saw you see me. JOSH Look, I'm sorry. I just--I need to make a clean break from Liza and her entire world, okay? I mean, I'm sure you know by now what's going on with us... KELSEY Josh. JOSH Yeah. KELSEY I know everything. JOSH You know everything? What do you think you know? KELSEY Everything. JOSH KELSEY Did you think it was funny, both of you, just to pretend to be my good friend and be just lying to me like that? JOSH No. No! I wanted to tell you, okay? Liza wouldn't let me. KELSEY God. Who is she? Like, do I even know her at all? JOSH It's like you know her... and you don't. I mean, the same thing happened to me, okay? KELSEY So what really went on that night? When you were planning to propose? JOSH No, look, um... we can be friends. Don't ask me about that night. Ever again. KELSEY Excuse me. Liza. Emily Burns is in the conference room. LIZA What? What is she doing here? KELSEY I set it up. Shit's about to go down. DIANA Excuse me? KELSEY Emily, thanks for coming in. EMILY Anytime. I am so excited about my book! KELSEY That's what I wanted to discuss with you. According to Liza, there was some kind of blackmail involved? Now, I don't know what it's about, nor do I care, but I can assure you that once our lawyers are done with you, you won't just be losing a book deal. You'll be losing your job. EMILY I can't believe you're saying this after that nice article I wrote about you guys in "EW." KELSEY That article was mostly about Colin, not Millennial. LIZA And thanks to the publicity the article generated, we're not even publishing his book. KELSEY So thanks for nothing. Oh, if you wanna play dirty, the stakes are gonna have to go way up. EMILY What do you want? KELSEY Well... Liza and I would like to be on "EW's" 29 under 29 Media List. LIZA Both of us? KELSEY Absolutely. EMILY Okay. That is crazy. The party is tonight. That list has been closed for weeks. KELSEY Unclose it. Or we're canceling your book. EMILY I guess you could tie for 29th with Tavi Gevinson. KELSEY That would be fine. EMILY You do realize this is a press event. I just wanna make sure you're both prepared to be photographed. KELSEY Absolutely. EMILY Then see you tonight! And I hope you bitches know what you're doing. KELSEY KELSEY We really staked out an important niche in the marketplace. LIZA And of course, you can't run a publishing company called Millennial unless you're a Millennial yourself. LAUREN Kelsey! KELSEY Aah! LAUREN Oh, my God, Kelsey, you look amazing! KELSEY Oh, thanks. LAUREN God, I'm so impressed! Max has something he wants to say to you. MAX Uh...we took the bench press out of your room, and it's in the hallway now. LAUREN Please come back. KELSEY Thank you, but no. It was time for me to move out. LAUREN What--where are you living? KELSEY I'll let you know. Soon. I promise. LAUREN No. What's wrong with right now? MAX Mm-mm. Boundaries. You wanna think of this as an exercise. LAUREN Okay. Okay, fine. Never mind. KELSEY Mm-hmm. LAUREN You look nice. MARYLYNNE I've gotten so many offers on the book. The tracking is incredible. It already has more preorders than the last "Harry Potter." CHARLES How is that possible? You don't have a publisher yet. MARYLYNNE Well, I can't do the math for you. The point is, Empirical's offer was not the best. But I do feel comfortable with you. CHARLES Well, and... we will have a-a great team working for you. MARYLYNNE Did you hear about the rumors on "Politico" that we're having an affair? It's so weird. CHARLES Really? Uh, t-that is strange. MARYLYNNE We should just go ahead and do it and prove the naysayers wrong. CHARLES Wouldn't that be... proving them right? MARYLYNNE I'm talking about the trolls out there who are saying it isn't true. Oh, by the way, according to my Twitter feed, it says that I'm at a conference in Beijing. So it's the perfect cover. CHARLES If you are here, how are you tweeting from Beijing? MARYLYNNE Oh, I have people. It's important to maintain a Chinese presence. CHARLES It would be great if we could, uh... confine our conversation to the book. MARYLYNNE And kissing. CHARLES Uh... no. MARYLYNNE Oh, I'm hearing yes. CHARLES Uh, no, I'm... I'm saying no. MARYLYNNE Words. You're just saying words. EMILY Okay, you are an evil genius. You just got "EW" to put their reputation on the line. They would rather die than admit they were wrong. LIZA Wrong about what? EMILY Nothing. We're all in this together now. Hey... isn't that your DILF boss? LIZA Oh, um, excuse me. Hey. CHARLES Hi. LIZA I thought you had your dinner tonight. CHARLES Uh, I did; I wanted to congratulate you on the honor. Uh, though I feel like I'm the oldest person in the room. Are you sure I'm allowed to be here if I'm over 29? LIZA Uh, so, did we get the book? CHARLES Uh, no, because I don't want to publish it. LIZA Why not? CHARLES I don't want to contribute to the idea that truth is whatever you're comfortable with. Even if it means taking a hit to the bottom line. LIZA Right. CHARLES Guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. LAUREN Hey, uh, do you mind if I steal her? "Vulture" has a few questions. CHARLES Uh, no, no, go, go. Have fun. And Liza... I'm proud of you. LIZA Thank you. CHARLES Have fun. LAUREN Wait, what's wrong? Liza, are you nervous? LIZA Uh, no, I'm great. I'm just great. LAUREN Ahh! Okay! Oh, my gosh, this list is being retweeted everywhere. And your Twitter account is blowing up. Hello, 1,235 new followers! You're welcome. KELSEY Ugh, my phone just died. Will you please call me an Uber? LAUREN Dude, no, this is your night. Okay, please, take mine. Oh, in fact, there's Abdul arriving now in the black SUV. KELSEY Good night. MAX I'll get us another car. LIZA Oh, hey, Kelsey. I just--I just want to thank you for forgiving me and for understanding that I'm still the same person that you've always known. KELSEY That in there... was business. I don't think that I can ever forgive you. You... you broke my heart. LAUREN Hey, do you know where Kelsey is living? LIZA Uh, no. Do you? LAUREN Mm-mm, no, she won't tell me. But now that she's in my Uber, we're about to find out. LIZA Oh, my God. JOSH Hey. Got these made today. Welcome, roomie.