ANYTIME_ANYWHERE BOTH CASHIER DOCTOR DOROTHY EDGAR FILMMAKER GRETCHEN JIMMY LINDSAY NARRATIVE_TITLE SONG TOW_GUY TOW_TRUCK_DRIVER WOMAN SONG ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? Gonna leave you anyway. ? NARRATIVE TITLE You’re the Worst EDGAR SONG ? I think I wanna tell you ? Well, go on, somethin' ? tell me somethin' ? ? I think I wanna tell you somethin' ? ? Well, go on, tell me somethin' ? ? I think I wanna tell you somethin' ? ? Well, go on, tell me somethin' ? ? I think I wanna tell you somethin' ? ? Tell me what? ? ? I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna ? ? Please tell me now ? ? I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna ? EDGAR ...wanna tell you somethin'. I think I wanna tell you somethin'. I think I wanna tell you somethin'. I think I wanna tell you somethin'. SONG ? I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna ? ? I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna ? EDGAR SONG ? 'Cause I'm a creator and a dominator ? ? You're not down for hittin' skins later, you perpetrator ? ? I come tight with the beat and all that ? ? So throw your hands in the air ? ? Show me what you got there ? ? 'Cause girls just wanna have fun ? ? But deep inside my heart ? ? I know girls just wanna have funds ? ? You, yeah, you make me go... ? EDGAR EDGAR I made my special heart pancakes. GRETCHEN What kind of jank-ass hearts are these? LINDSAY That one looks like a butt. EDGAR Sorry. It was kind of a rough night. But, um, this afternoon, I-I finally have my consultation with the chief of staff at the VA, and I think... LINDSAY Yeah, chiefs'll do that sometimes. Hey, can I get some sticky sauce for these pan-butts or what? JIMMY It turns out, in World War I, the official term for "PTSD" was "cowardice," and you were shot for it. GRETCHEN That is interesting. LINDSAY How are you holding up, Jimmy? When my guinea pig died, I couldn't jack off for, like, half a day. GRETCHEN I'm telling you guys-- false alarm. He truly doesn't give a shit. JIMMY Aw! It nearly had it. EDGAR Oh, shit. LINDSAY ...mommy classes Becca's always yammering about. JIMMY Edgar? Edgar? EDGAR Uh, yeah. What's up? JIMMY Big writing day ahead of me. I need you to get all my usual writing snacks from the British specialty store. Shrimp-flavored crisps, Wallington's choco-knockers, tartar biscuits, kidney jerky, and then all your standard candies-- lemingtons, fluffingtons, rum Christophers... EDGAR WOMAN I have eyes on him right now. Subject is on the move. CASHIER Can I help you? Sir? Sir? DOROTHY A British flag balloon. How did you know? EDGAR Oh, I pays attention to my girl. DOROTHY Whoa. Edgar. Hey. Edgar. Edgar, look at me. No. Edgar... EDGAR I've been thinking about you all day. I could barely sleep. DOROTHY Okay, you need your sleep. Aren't you supposed to have your big meeting thingy with the head counselor person? EDGAR I was actually thinking, instead, what if we just hung out here all day, you know, just, like, laid in bed and watched movies? Or... ignored movies. DOROTHY Edgar, stop! Why don't you want to go? You've been waiting to meet with her for months. EDGAR What if I go and this is my best last chance and they can't help me? DOROTHY Then we try something else. EDGAR What else?! I've tried booze, drugs, talk therapy, pills. DOROTHY If not for you, for me. I need you to try. Sometimes I see you look at me... ...and it kind of... it scares me. EDGAR I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dorothy. I'm sorry. DOROTHY I don't need you to apologize. I just need you to keep trying. You are brave and you're smart and you're strong, okay? And remember, when you go, you just have to be your own advocate, okay? They can fix you, but you might have to fight for it. This is the one time to not follow the rules. It's their job to help you. JIMMY Edgar, where are your pre-moistened towelettes? EDGAR I don't have any. Why? JIMMY No reason. I might need one in a few minutes. GRETCHEN Hey, look, it's your... dumbass limey biscuit and fag store. JIMMY Um, Edgar, I thought you said you couldn't get my writing snacks 'cause the store was cordoned off due to police activity. EDGAR I, uh... I-I guess they caught the guy. GRETCHEN Oh! JIMMY Aah! Oh! GRETCHEN Jesus! JIMMY You are lucky I didn't just break my wang. GRETCHEN Oh, I broke a guy's wang once. They never tell you how far back it can and can't go. JIMMY It's the sideways that's really dangerous. Oi! Eyes forward, pervert. Uh, excuse me, is this an audio tape? GRETCHEN I didn't know they still had those. I guess poor people still need something to listen to. EDGAR I like my tapes. My brother gave me these. This is my favorite because it reminds... JIMMY Oh, look! He even has them in a little tape case. Oh, my God, are we in the Smithsonian? Do obese Midwesterners gather around your car, pressing their be-churroed faces at the glass to marvel at your ancient relics from an erstwhile time of low-fidelity and inability to fast forward through songs quickly? JIMMY Agh! GRETCHEN Oh... JIMMY I swear, this is by far the worst Uber I have ever taken. SONG ? Like a feeling that feels so...? JIMMY Oh, I almost forgot-- give us your car booze. EDGAR Guys, I... I really have to get to my VA appointment. GRETCHEN JIMMY Fine, but when you're done with your stupid thing you're giving us a ride home. SONG ? And you'll slide into a something that's only tonight ? ? Being something like a feeling that feels so right... ? DOCTOR Now... EDGAR DR. HIGGINS Good. Boy, oh, boy, son, I... You know, I really got to congratulate you on your tenacity and dedication to overcoming your difficulties. You-you really... you really are an inspiration. EDGAR Overcoming? I'm, uh... Actually, I'm-I'm not doing so well. DR. HIGGINS Well, you got in to see me, and that takes grit and determination. Sometimes my own grandchildren have to make an appointment to see me. EDGAR Well, thanks. But should it take grit and determination to get help? DR. HIGGINS Exactly. Edgar, you are exactly right. Believe you me, when I think of the difficulties that our chronic underfunding has meant for our patients, it just makes my blood boil. We are making strides, though. We have a plan to stop being fax dependent before the next war. EDGAR Wait, you guys know when the next war is? DR. HIGGINS No. EDGAR Oh... DR. HIGGINS I got you! BOTH DR. HIGGINS I like you. I really like you. EDGAR I really like you. DR. HIGGINS Oh, that's so nice. You know what? What the heck. I am prepared to offer you ten sessions in our virtual reality trainer. They actually build a video game out of your trauma. It's really so fun. But scary, of course. But, more importantly, it's shown real efficacy in ameliorating battlefield trauma of your type. EDGAR Well, I-I know about that. DR. HIGGINS Yeah? EDGAR But I-I was told that study was full up. DR. HIGGINS It's our little secret. Shh. EDGAR Wow. Okay. Thank you. DR. HIGGINS Mm. EDGAR But I-I guess I don't understand-- um, what if I hadn't kept asking and asking? DR. HIGGINS Let's get you signed up, shall we? Okay. So, you are taking Paxil, Ambien, Chlordia... 11 different medications, actually. DR. HIGGINS Well, I take 15, and I never went to war. Getting old; don't do it. EDGAR Yeah, but actually, I stopped taking those. DR. HIGGINS Oh, dear. Which ones? EDGAR All of them. I stopped them all. DR. HIGGINS Okay. So... when you are back on the full course of your prescribed treatment, then we can revisit whether we can locate a place for you in one of our alternative programs. EDGAR Yeah, but they were not working for me, and this might. DR. HIGGINS If you're hostile to one of our treatments, how can I offer you another? Especially when our budget is limited, and there's so many deserving men and women? EDGAR No, I'm-I'm not hostile, I'm... Okay? I just... I don't like the side effects. They make me feel blotchy. Okay? I-It's just-it's just turning down the volume. It... It's not living. DR. HIGGINS From where I sit... we seem to be at an impasse. EDGAR No, I'm not leaving. DR. HIGGINS EDGAR You're gonna help me. It's the only reason you exist to help us. And no, no, it's not enough to be fed a one size fits all cocktail of shut up pills. DR. HIGGINS Oh, if we had shut up pills, we would have prescribed them to you by now. EDGAR Oh, okay. Okay. Aah! Aah! DR. HIGGINS Are you done? Okay. You feel free to make another appointment once you're back on your prescribed medication. Okay, hon? SONG ? Though you know, yeah... ? EDGAR Oh, sh... SONG ? We won't get another soul ? ? Just to see this night ? ? And you'll slide into a something... ? ? We're still, we're still... ? EDGAR Shit. SONG ? I know something like a feeling ? ? That feels so right ? ? Gonna... ? EDGAR Hey, Jimmy. JIMMY We're ready to go. And I sincerely hope you've got our car booze. A majority of your rating rests on this. EDGAR Uh, sorry, I-I can't come. My, um... my car broke down. JIMMY Oh, well, that's not a surprise, piece of shit with no auxiliary plug or car booze. NARRATIVE TITLE From ZERO STARS EDGAR FILMMAKER Goddamn it! Cut! Hey, man! Hey! Can you not just pick up our prop? We're gonna have to go again. EDGAR Oh, sorry. I-I didn't notice you were... FILMMAKER What? You just thought a paper boat was sailing down the river on its own? EDGAR I don't know. Don't talk to me that way! FILMMAKER Sorry. We're making this silent short for a class, and we don't have tons of film. I don't understand why we have to shoot on film anyway. I mean, I bought myself a Red with my bar mitzvah money. Anyway... He has a good look, huh? EDGAR What? EDGAR Shit! Hey, uh, that's my car. Hello. I'm here. Oh...! Hey. Hey. It's my car. I'm here. NARRATIVE TITLE ANYTIME ANYWHERE TOW TRUCK DRIVER I'm just doing my job. EDGAR Oh, I know. I know. I'm sorry. I, uh... I-I ran out of gas. TOW TRUCK DRIVER You can't just leave your car here. Sign? And you got plenty of gas. EDGAR Look, I had to pull over. I'm... I've been, um... I'm having a tough day. I drive a tow truck. Everybody's having a tough day. Please? TOW GUY You a vet? EDGAR What? How did...? TOW TRUCK DRIVER Your paperwork on the seat of your car. TOW TRUCK DRIVER Dreams? EDGAR Some real bad ones. TOW TRUCK DRIVER Hypervigilance? EDGAR I saw a sniper on the overpass. TOW TRUCK DRIVER IEDs in the trash? EDGAR Yes! Roadside trash is the worst. Why can't they just throw it away? TOW TRUCK DRIVER Suicidal thoughts? You know the stats? 22 every day. Though, in truth, there are some Vietnam dudes that are jacking up our numbers, but still. EDGAR I thought starting today, things would get better. But they don't give a shit. TOW TRUCK DRIVER Here's what you got to understand. They're not evil. None of 'em are. The military's job is to sand down our humanity just enough to where we can take a life. That's it. Afterwards, some totally separate branch gets to deal with all these purposely broken motherfuckers. Not only is that impossible with the resources, that's just impossible, period. EDGAR Yeah, well, then, what are we supposed to do? TOW TRUCK DRIVER Not wait for someone to help you. Figure out what works. My man Carter-- he hunts all the time. This big chopper pilot I know... ...he goes to yoga. And we make fun of him, but it seems to work. EDGAR TOW TRUCK DRIVER Jorge hikes the PCT once a year. I got this companion dog. I wanted a big, mean, dude, but the organization gave me this little scrub. EDGAR Mm. TOW TRUCK DRIVER He saved my life-- this guy. This other bro I know locks himself in his bedroom and stabs his closet door. I mean, he's not getting his deposit back, but once the rage passes, he's fine. I know you don't want to hear this, but the minute you stop looking for someone else to cure you, maybe you start living again. SONG ? So let's not just be this one night ? ? Slowly slide into a something ? ? That's nothing despite ? ? Being something like a feeling that feels so right ? ? I can't let it go ? ? I have to find you ? ? Cannot find you, girl ? ? I run through the streets ? ? My mind is racing ? ? Hands are shaking, yeah... ? EDGAR TOW TRUCK DRIVER Dude! Don't do that! EDGAR Oh, uh... Sorry! Sorry. I am s... sorry. SONG ? Feels so right ? ? I won't let you go after just one more night ? ? Slowly slide into a nothing ? ? That's something despite ? ? Being something like a feeling that feels so right ? ? I said it's some day... ? ? Something like a feeling ? ? That feels so right ? ? Something like a feeling ? ? I won't let you go after just one more night ? ? I won't let you go ? NARRATIVE TITLE Dreams of Tangier EDGAR SONG ? Slowly slide into a nothing ? ? That's something despite ? ? Being something like a feeling that feels so right ? ? I said something like a feeling ? ? That feels for night. ? NARRATIVE TITLE NARRATIVE TITLE NARRATIVE TITLE NARRATIVE TITLE