BECCA BOTH EDGAR GREG GRETCHEN JIMMY JUSTINA KID KILLIAN LINDSAY MAN MINISTER NARRATIVE_TEXT PAUL SINGER TEACHER VERNON ZERO SINGER ? You were right ? GRETCHEN Jimmy. Hey, buddy. You okay? JIMMY Good morning. About what? God! Absolutely blotto last night. GRETCHEN You... You don't remember what I told you? JIMMY No. But tell me again. GRETCHEN Okay, seriously, dude. I think you might have a drinking problem. Like, you need to go to church basements and shit. Oh, my God. Okay, um... I am... so sorry, but, uh... Sweetheart, your dad died. JIMMY What? Papa? Oh, my God. GRETCHEN I know. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I... I don't know what to say. Do you want to talk about it? JIMMY Ha! I was kidding. I totally remembered. GRETCHEN Wait... what? You knew? JIMMY Yeah. You told me last night. You're not getting that one back. I stole one, dummy. GRETCHEN Jimmy! You do not need to steal blow jobs. JIMMY Yeah, but you know how amazing free food tastes. GRETCHEN Seriously, are you okay? Your dad died. That's a big deal. JIMMY Yes, I am absolutely fine. I feel... nothing about it. GRETCHEN Really? JIMMY Yeah. GRETCHEN Great! Oh. Phew! Thank God that's over. Huh? Hey, do you want to do, uh, one of those Korean gel masks? JIMMY Not really. GRETCHEN I got a snail one. It's supposed to be extra goopy. JIMMY Huh. SINGER ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? Gonna leave you anyway. ? NARRATIVE TEXT You’re the Worst. EDGAR I made my special heart pancakes, because we love you, Jimmy. LINDSAY We really do. GRETCHEN What kind of jank-ass hearts are these? LINDSAY That one looks like a butt. EDGAR Sorry. It was... it was kind of a rough night. Uh, but later this afternoon, I'm finally gonna have my consultation with the chief of staff at the VA. LINDSAY Yeah, chiefs'll do that sometimes. Hey, can I get some sticky sauce for these pan-butts or what? JIMMY Do you know, I actually just read something interesting about PTSD? EDGAR Oh, yeah? JIMMY Yeah, it turns out in World War I, the official term for "PTSD" was "cowardice," and you were shot for it. GRETCHEN That is interesting. LINDSAY How are you holding up, Jimmy? My guinea pig died. I couldn't jack off for, like, half a day. GRETCHEN I'm telling you guys-- false alarm. He truly doesn't give a shit. JIMMY Look, when a relationship has been virtually non-existent for 33 years, we're not talking about a major tectonic shift. Nothing has changed. I still have exactly zero off-track bettors with IBS in my daily life. GRETCHEN I almost wish I knew more dead people. I think funerals are hella sexy. JIMMY All right, everybody out. I have work to do. LINDSAY Wait! Jimmy's dad died, and he doesn't care. GRETCHEN Yes? LINDSAY I'm going to have a baby. JIMMY What's happening? Is Lindsay processing thought? GRETCHEN Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. LINDSAY And when I'm old, my kid will have a feeling about me dying. GRETCHEN Oh, my God, she's doing it. LINDSAY I want my kids to be sad when I die. GRETCHEN Yes? LINDSAY So I need to be a good... a good... JIMMY This is really happening. LINDSAY a good... ...dad. JIMMY Aah! It almost had it. GRETCHEN Oh. LINDSAY I should probably sign up for one of those stupid classes Becca's always yammering about. JIMMY Edgar? Edgar? EDGAR Uh, yeah. What's up? JIMMY Big writing day ahead of me. I need you to get all my usual writing snacks from the British specialty store. Shrimp-flavored crisps, Wallenger's choco-knockers, tartar biscuits, and then all your standard candies-- lemingtons, fluffingtons, rum Christophers, salted licorice knib knobs. JUSTINA I'm not mad, Felix. No, and when you constantly accuse me of being mad, you deny my right of actually being goddamn mad at you. No, I'm not "therapizing" you, all right? Stop saying that. Holy shit. I-I'll call you later. GRETCHEN What's up? Give me a cigarette. Who was that? What that your shitty boyfriend with his cargo shorts? JUSTINA None of your business. GRETCHEN JUSTINA What's going on? GRETCHEN So, I told Jimmy his dad died, like you told me to, and he said that he feels nothing, and then he stole a beej, which is a pretty good heckle, actually. JUSTINA Is there a question? GRETCHEN Nope. I just wanted you to know that you were wrong. You were wrong. JUSTINA Jimmy can say he's fine all he wants, but sooner or later, his dad's death is gonna hit him, and when it does, you're gonna have to be there for him. GRETCHEN When? We're going on a rad cruise. Are you saying this could come out on the rad cruise? JUSTINA Sure. Yes, it could happen on the rad cruise. What's the rad cruise? No, I don't want to know. I mean, I do want to... Never mind. GRETCHEN So you're telling me I need to help him get it all out now, just pop it like a pimple. JUSTINA No, that is not how humans work. GRETCHEN Yeah, I get it. Get him to cry, boo-hoo, there, there, we'll be done by Wheel. Of Fortune. Seven years in school? Really? JUSTINA Gretchen, Jimmy has got to go through his grieving process. All right? It's not gonna happen on your exact schedule. GRETCHEN Eh. I think I'm gonna do it my way. Thanks for nothing. JUSTINA GRETCHEN Your boyfriend... sucks. Sucks. JIMMY Simon's sisters and Kitty sprawled on the carpet, watching Top of the Pops, their bums in the air. From his perch on the coach, Simon noted that while Cynthia and Patsy had gotten quite porcine, Kitty's bottom had an almost otherworldly lift, as if in the process of being raptured for being too perfect to dwell any longer on Earth. Goddamn it! What's wrong with me? It's been hours, and I still haven't perfected the bum metaphor. KILLIAN My fingers hurt. JIMMY My dad died. KILLIAN At least you know where he is. JIMMY Edgar, I need sustenance. Where are my snacks? EDGAR Uh, sorry, Jimmy. There was some police activity near the store. KILLIAN That's my last food! GRETCHEN I've been thinking about it all day, and you really need to cry, Jimmy. My therapist says it's very... JIMMY Gretchen the sheer breadth of my labyrinthian abstruse psychological composition cannot possibly be second-handedly grasped by some Long Beach Community College graduate who deals with the... tragically maladroit all day. No offense. GRETCHEN None taken, because I do not know that word. Just give me the afternoon. We'll do some super-sad shit, you'll poop out some tears and we'll be home by Wheel. BOTH ...of Fortune. JIMMY It won't work. I feel nothing! But fine. Let's go. Work day's already a disaster. I don't know why I'm suddenly blocked. I'm rewriting the same paragraph over and over. Hey, Killswitch, while I'm out, copy edit the chapter where Simon watches Kitty bathe after the trip-hop concert. Oh, and for the love of God, finally learn how to spell "analingus," will you?! KILLIAN You never say "thank you." JIMMY That's what the money's for! LINDSAY I'm so glad we're gonna learn how to be a family. Family. PAUL But we're already a family. LINDSAY You can't just have two people in a family, Paul. Name one family that's two people. PAUL Gilmore Girls. LINDSAY We have to learn how to be good parents, so that when we're old, they'll take good care of us. Plus, you're so accident-prone. You turned into my knife, and it's taken, like, forever for your skin to grow back together. PAUL You mean heal? LINDSAY Dogs heel, Paul. Men get strong. VERNON Nerds! BECCA Oh, my God. I still can't believe you're keeping it. PAUL Oh, Rebecca, you josher. LINDSAY BECCA Such a bummer about the timing though. By the time it comes flopping out, our entire family's gonna be so babied out, your poor little lump's not gonna get any attention. LINDSAY You're just mad I didn't get all fat like you. BECCA You're barely pregnant. VERNON Yo, dingus, help me gaffle some of these brews. Becca's being a cooze and doesn't want me to drink so I actually pay attention. Anyway, pretend like you got to go drop a dook, grab, like, four of them dummies, leave 'em in the toilet tank for me, Godfather-style. Nothing gets this pimp through a dumb baby class like toilet beer. TEACHER Hello, mommies and daddies. So, last week we covered birth plans and how pretty much everyone poops during labor. So today we're gonna practice some real-life skills. Everybody come and grab a baby doll. Come on. ON-SCREEN TEXT Two Plus One Pediatric Nourishment, Care & Safety SINGER ? Snuggle wuggle ? ? Snuggle wuggle, snuggle wuggle, snuggle wuggle ? ? Snuggle wuggle ? JIMMY Emotions are dangerous, Gretchen. Think about it, the most emotional movie characters always die. Kane from Citizen Kane. The wife from Up. Table-dancing destitute on the bottom deck of the Titanic. And the ones who survive in movies RoboCop, Terminator, Chappie. GRETCHEN Those are all robots. JIMMY Yeah, exactly. No emotions. Just cold circuitry and a thirst for revenge. EDGAR I don't really know why you guys insist on sitting in the backseat. I'm not an Uber. JIMMY Yeah, damn right you're not. GRETCHEN What's that? JIMMY His rating. EDGAR One star. JIMMY Oh, almost forgot. Give us your car booze. EDGAR Guys, I really have to get to my VA appointment. GRETCHEN JIMMY Fine. But when you're done with your stupid thing, you're giving us a ride home. GRETCHEN Come on. A little wah-wah, death is sad, and then you're done. Pretend one of these is your dad's grave. JIMMY Yeah, the problem is death doesn't bother me. I'm not upset by the inevitable. It's like being upset by the weather or by an Irishman proving untrustworthy. GRETCHEN Look. Real live dead person. Come on. Maybe it'll stir something up. MINISTER ...with so many questions and so few answers. GRETCHEN Hi. Sorry. MINISTER But it would be a mistake to think of today as a sad day. GRETCHEN MINISTER Charlotte, if you would please step forward. Our Father, who art in heaven... GRETCHEN Jimmy, am I... Jimmy, am I crazy or is this funeral hella sexy? JIMMY I don't know where that fetish came from, but it is absolutely... MINISTER ...lead us not into temptation... JIMMY Oh, my God, you're right. It's like the funeral from November Rain. BOTH GRETCHEN Wait! Make sure to pull out. I can't get pregnant. Your dad might be floating around right now, looking for a body to reincarnate. JIMMY That's a good call. GRETCHEN PAUL Um... too hard. SINGER ? Berlin, Berlin ? ? She shines like a mirror ball ? ? A hot day, protégé ? ? She swings herself around the pole slow ? ? She slips out of a prom dress ? ? And all the ladies wanna be her ? ? And all the grown men wanna cry ? ? But then I only wanna kiss you ? ? Just once, maybe ? ? Twice ? ? And I could show you the town ? ? If I knew where to begin ? ? And I could show you out ? ? If I wasn't on my way in ? LINDSAY Oh! Yes! SINGER ? But Berlin, she ain't the kind of woman... ? BECCA It's not real! It's not a real baby! LINDSAY Thank you. GRETCHEN Okay, we got a little distracted at that last place. But this is it living fathers with their kids. That is some straight-up "Cat's in the Cradle" shit right there. Plus, look at my dope maze. JIMMY Usually, I'm a master of all art forms-- writing, music, quips, mixed media collage-- but, for some reason, I am creatively blocked. A sun wearing sunglasses. Doesn't even make sense. He's too bright for his own eyes? GRETCHEN It's because you need to cry it out. JIMMY Maybe you're right. MAN Jesus Christ. I don't even know what to do with you anymore! GRETCHEN And... jackpot. Go. Follow him. Maybe he'll rage-kick a garbage can, remind you of your dad. Go. JIMMY All right. I will give it a go. GRETCHEN Hey. What you workin' on, buddy? JIMMY Parenting, right? GREG I don't know what to do, man. JIMMY Mm. It's hard to communicate with them, yeah? Like you don't even recognize yourself in them. GREG I don't. JIMMY You're frustrated because he's a little clumsy, a little too artsy-fartsy, because he broke a blood vessel in his eye crying at My Girl. GREG What? No. He's legitimately a bad person. Like, my son is an awful human being. JIMMY What? GREG He set up a bunch of Facebook accounts to cyberbully me. KID Hey, this bitch is bothering me. You trying to hit on my dad, twink? GRETCHEN Jimmy, turns out this kid sucks. KID You suck! What kind of adults go to a paint-your-own-pottery place anyway? Nasty-ass pedophiles. JIMMY GRETCHEN Oh, shit! GREG Don't go... KID Shut up, Greg. GREG I wish you would call me Dad. KID Well, I wish you'd suck my dick. GRETCHEN Oh, hey, emotion check. JIMMY Actually, I think I felt something that time. GRETCHEN Really?! Jimmy! We're thawing your cold, dead heart. Hurry up! We got one more stop on the sadness tour. JIMMY Okay. Let me call an Edgar. We're ready to go. And I sincerely hope you've got our car booze. EDGAR Sorry, Jimmy, I can't come. My car broke down. JIMMY Oh, well, that's not a surprise. Piece of shit with no auxiliary plug or car booze! ON-SCREEN TEXT ZERO STARS. JIMMY All right. TEACHER Great job. Here's a Sophie giraffe for winning the skills section. LINDSAY TEACHER Oh. No, that's... Okay. LINDSAY I won a prize. PAUL You're such a natural mommy. One of the dads just told me the neatest thing babies are programmed to look like the father when they're born. Won't that be so adorable? A tiny little me suckling at your bosom? Wah, wah. BECCA Linds... that was actually quite... impressive. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I think... you were born to be a mom. LINDSAY Thanks, Bec. BECCA Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. VERNON Uh-oh! There's something's wrong with my big ol' honkers! Ah! ˇNo leche! Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. BECCA Oh. This poor dear. He is so delirious from working so many double shifts. Paul, will you drive us home? VERNON Ooh... PAUL Of course. See you at home, Mama? LINDSAY Sure, Pap... Paul. MAN Um, hi, what is this? LINDSAY What do I look like, some baby lady? MAN I'm sorry. M-My wife, she's stuck at work-- shocker. She gave me this shopping list, and, man, I have no idea what I'm doing. LINDSAY Oh. Okay. Mm. Looks like you're gonna need a Miracle Blanket, a Woombie, a Boppy-- really great neck support-- MAN Yeah... LINDSAY and, of course, Zipadee-Zip. It'll be quicker if I just do it. MAN Thank you so much. I appreciate it. JIMMY Well, Gretchen, you did it. I can't think of a place more gloomy, more soul-crushing, more quintessentially England. GRETCHEN Yeah, I thought you might want a wee English breakfast. JIMMY Excuse me? GRETCHEN Don't be a berk. You know what I'm talkin' about, Shitty Jimmy. JIMMY Are you being Ronny? GRETCHEN Today's been all abstract. It's time to personalize it. I even boned up on some British slang online. Blarmy! Knob jockeys getting married?! Next thing you know, some ringburner's gonna want to shag and marry his dachshund! JIMMY Oh. Almost felt something again. Get more personal. Uh, talk about my ceramic pony collection or the time Fiona caught me kissing a magazine cover of Boy George because I thought he was a girl. GRETCHEN Look at 'at pasty skin. Them soft girl hands. The poofy scrote never worked an honest day in his whole miserable, sodding life. JIMMY Now, you listen to me, you fat, grey void. Writing is hard! It is actual work. It's a noble, nay, spiritual endeavor that taxes both the brain... Oh, my God. This wretched idea of yours might actually be working. GRETCHEN The feeling? It's back. JIMMY Yeah, it's coming. Oh, my God. Here it comes. GRETCHEN That was the feeling? A fart? JIMMY Mm. Apparently. Well, I told you, I'm very evolved. GRETCHEN Stupid therapist. I'm warning you, this better be it. If you lose your shit on the cruise and ruin my time with Cotton Candy Raccoon, Bubble Gecko, or Sneezy Panda, I... Well, she died in a plane crash. But never mind. How do you even mess up toast? MAN Thanks so much for helping. Jesus, I'm already this overwhelmed. I don't even have a baby yet. How are you this good at it already? LINDSAY I have no idea. So now what? I'm just stuck doing this baby shit for the rest of my life? What if there are other things I'm meant to be and I never find out? Like a phlebologist or a dinosaur? MAN Once my ex and I split, I figured that was it. I was never gonna be a dad. Then I meet this cute Asian chick at the Kubrick exhibit at LACMA and suddenly she's knocked up and I get this second chance at 42. LINDSAY So you believe in second chances? MAN I didn't. But I guess I do now. LINDSAY MAN Oh, Jesus. What the hell are you doing? Are you insane? I just told you, I'm on my second chance! LINDSAY I just thought... MAN Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?! Why would you even do that? I talked to your husband! LINDSAY Shh. Okay. MAN He was so nice. We're going kayaking together sometime! LINDSAY Fine. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. MAN This isn't a singles bar where you just pick up guys! You're having a baby, you weirdo! LINDSAY Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. GRETCHEN EDGAR I got your snacks. JIMMY It's too late. I've already lost an entire day's writing. Sorry, literature. GRETCHEN Mmm, rum Christophers. They're so disgusting. I can't stop eating them. Hey, how was your thing today? EDGAR Fine. GRETCHEN Do you want to talk about it? EDGAR No. GRETCHEN Yes. Two for two. JIMMY Well, Dad, here we are, the final test. GRETCHEN That's it. Get it out. Let all the sadness out. Whoa! I thought you were crying! JIMMY No! It's amazing. I was smelling the jacket that Dad left, and it smells exactly like him-- just cigarettes, ale, beans, occupational failure. And in a rush, that feeling that we'd been searching for all day just came flying out. And, Gretchen, it wasn't sadness. It was happiness. I'm free. I am finally free! And I'm finally unstuck creatively. I found, all right, the perfect metaphor for the heft of Kitty's adolescent bottom. I'll tell you later. It's-it's too sexy. GRETCHEN Do you want to go, uh, binge-watch that six-part series on the Susan Smith case? JIMMY Yeah. Just a sec. Now that my parental nightmare is finally over, I'm gonna get rid of everything that smacks of Ronny Overly. May he rest in relative peace for someone of his arterial calcification. SINGER ? I wouldn't feel so uncertain ? ? I wouldn't feel so uncertain ? ? That when your body hit the earth ? ? It opened up and swallowed you ? ? She kept you safe in her heart's center ? ? And always tucked you in at night ? ? When you woke up nervous ? ? She said, "Baby, you're..." ?