ALL BECCA BOTH EDGAR GRETCHEN JIMMY JUSTINA KILLIAN LINDSAY NARRATIVE_TITLE PAUL SONG VERNON SONG ? I wanted out again ? ? Wanted you, so fun ? ? But I did... ? GRETCHEN So you remember Jimmy,right? right? JUSTINA Oh, my God. Gretchen. GRETCHEN Tough titties, it's a free country. Anyway, I have to have this really sucky conversation with him and I don't want to at all. JUSTINA Your appointment isn't until next week.You cannot just show up places. GRETCHEN Well then, stop Foursquaring yourself every time you leave the house, like the Mayor of Thirsty Town. Also, stop using Foursquare like the Mayor of 2011. JUSTINA Okay. So you need something from Jimmy. GRETCHEN Yeah. I need his dad to have seen a cardiologist. Ha-ha, snap. JUSTINA He died? I'm so sorry. When? GRETCHEN Okay. So here's the part where you feel like total dog shit. Remember you made me open my mail? Well I did. And boom. There's his dad's obit. And I'm like, "Well, shit! How am I supposed to tell him?" So how am I supposed to tell him? JUSTINA You haven't told him? GRETCHEN No! Ew! I couldn't! He was so stoked about selling his book. And then I got busy and forgot for a couple days. But then, I was gonna tell him, and I got preoccupied by this iguana on Instagram who is just so over it. It's gonna suck so bad. JUSTINA I get it. It's tough. The idea of seeing Jimmy in pain... GRETCHEN Jimmy? No, this is gonna suck for me. We've been having hella fun lately. Boning like crazy. I tricked him into giving me backrubs, saying that it made me horny. Jokes on you, dummy. I'm horny already. Here's an idea what if I just never tell him? JUSTINA I-I don't like to tell my patients what to do, but Jesus Christ, you have to tell Jimmy his father died. GRETCHEN What if he cries, and I see the sad little boy inside? I don't want to tell him. JUSTINA I know. And I've met Jimmy-- that sounds disgusting-- but you have to. GRETCHEN Fine. I suppose you want me to pay you now. Ugh, you owe me a five spot. SONG ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? Gonna leave you anyway. ? NARRATIVE TITLE You’re the Worst JIMMY Right. Remember, the look we're going for is jocund but...profoundly tormented. Okay? GRETCHEN Uh, what's going on, Jimbo? JIMMY Jacket photo. It's a bit early. But I'm planning on going full D'Onofrio once the advance money comes in. GRETCHEN Can you take a little break? JIMMY God, no, woman! There's too much to do. Now that the starting gun on the Grand Prix has sounded, the instant that I take my foot off the proverbial gas to celebrate, shall materialize five other writers in my side mirror just ready to pass me on the Autobahn that is the publishing industry... to clumsily mix European race car metaphors. As a veteran writer girlfriend now, you know that the work is never-ending. GRETCHEN But you spent the last few months drinking and jerking it to the Lane Bryant shoe catalog. JIMMY If I have to explain this one more time it's all writing. GRETCHEN Um, I'll be quick. JIMMY GRETCHEN Listen, Jimmy... JIMMY No, I'm sorry. Look, this is gonna be a very long, arduous-- yet certainly rewarding-- journey for you, at my side, so before the madness begins, as a pre-ward, I want to take you on a restorative trip. GRETCHEN Like a cruise? Can we go on a cruise? JIMMY Um... GRETCHEN That's my dream vacation! My parents always thought it was tacky. JIMMY Okay. Well, if your idea of paradise is succumbing to Norovirus on a floating red state, then sure! GRETCHEN There-there's a water slide and-and a musical revue and if the grown-ups are busy gambling, you hang out with the other kids and just color! JIMMY Okay, I need to get back to my shoot. I have a liquid brunch with my editor, so we can plan marketing strategies. GRETCHEN Sounds fun! JIMMY Gretchen. Every mimosa is a chore. Okay? Every sip is a brick in a literary wall that I'm painting... GRETCHEN Got it. Yay! Cruise! JIMMY Okay, back to work. Props. GRETCHEN Ooh, you hungry? LINDSAY I could eat. P.A. May I help you? BOTH We're with the network. GRETCHEN So, how's your gimpy husband? LINDSAY Poor Paul. He's off the couch, but his wound keeps getting reinfected somehow. I poked around there with my fingers, and couldn't find anything. I feel guilty because of how much he suffered. GRETCHEN And because you stabbed him on purpose. LINDSAY I didn't want to kill him, I just snapped. Oops... LINDSAY Oops... GRETCHEN I knew it. Lindser! Oh, my God, I thought I was scared of you that time you yelled at that cop in Tijuana. LINDSAY You should be scared. And it was so easy. I was just like... Poking some cheese. GRETCHEN Poking some cheese? LINDSAY It's spooky. Afterwards, I kept telling myself I didn't do it, until I actually believed it. Like how Oprah can eat bread now. GRETCHEN You don't love Paul. LINDSAY That was true for Old Lindsay. New Lindsay can put any thought in her brain. Like that upside down movie with Juno and the dreidel and Tom Hardy with the tight pants. GRETCHEN LINDSAY If I can incept myself I didn't stab Paul... maybe I can incept myself into loving him. LINDSAY How are things with the Jim-dogs? GRETCHEN Oh, suck-balls. His pops croaked. LINDSAY Yawn. So what's the probs? GRETCHEN I haven't told him yet. And now my therapist is making me. LINDSAY You can't tell him, Gretch! The second those words come out of your mouth, you are no longer Jimmy's fun sex hole. You're the guys at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan who make the moms fall down. GRETCHEN You're right! That titty-sucking bitch is trying to straight "Lemonade" my relationship. What do I do? LINDSAY Get some other sucker to tell him. COLBY/TRAVIS EDGAR Colby! Travis! You two know the policy on roughhousing. I don't care if you are best friends. Ten more minutes and I'm coming in there! As I was saying, we've got a killer special. $49 for three yoga sessions, or three Pilates sessions. We also have a cutting-edge new lineup of the hottest new hybrid workouts. Piloxing Pilates and boxing, yogitsu yoga and jujitsu, spowing spinning and rowing, Zustified that's Zumba while you binge-watch Justified, it's actually not really... binge-watch Justified, it's actually not really... GRETCHEN Edgar, shut up. We need to tell you a secret. EDGAR No, no, no, no, no. I-I don't want any secrets. LINDSAY You love secrets. Secrets are your favorite thing. EDGAR No, this is a really bad time, okay? I've been stuck with processing some events, like the time we got pinned down outside of Tikrit and we had to improvise body armor with tank shrapnel. LINDSAY That's not so bad. EDGAR Or like the time I was so thirsty I shot a camel. LINDSAY 'Cause the humps have water in them? GRETCHEN Because you thought there was water in the humps? EDGAR Yeah. Turns out they don't work like that. Anyway, seriously, I-I don't have any room in my head for any more dark... GRETCHEN Jimmy's dad died and he doesn't know. EDGAR Jimmy's dad what? Oh, God. Poor Ronny, poor Jimmy, poor camel. Poor Bing Bong. Everything's bad, you guys. Everything's really, really bad. GRETCHEN So you'll tell him, yeah? Thanks.... EDGAR No, no, no way! I... I told enough people that someone that they love died. LINDSAY I have an idea. When my parents got divorced, they told us at Benihana's so we wouldn't cause a scene. The chef put a shrimp in his hat. GRETCHEN How'd that work? LINDSAY He just put a shrimp in his hat. GRETCHEN No, I mean, telling you in public. LINDSAY Oh. It totally made us not freak out as much. Except later, I drank my mom's mai tai and climbed on the table 'cause I forgot it was a grill. That's why I don't have footprints. GRETCHEN Okay. GRETCHEN So, maybe I invite a bunch of people over, and then everyone tells him together. And then he associates the sadness with you jerks, and not with me. LINDSAY That suddenly sounds bad for us. EDGAR I got to go, you guys. I'm late teaching Treadsparent. It's running on a treadmill while you watch... GRETCHEN We get it. PAUL These hand crutches were all Lindsay could find at the medical supply. LINDSAY I don't like that place. So many weird toilets. BECCA Mmm. I love sneaking an extra dessert, don't you? One's for me, one's for my baby. LINDSAY I'm not giving my dessert to your baby. Oh, right, you meant my baby. That's right, I'm still pregnant. VERNON Check it out. Looks like a normal vest with a ton of pockets, right? Wrong. Harmonica vest. Ever since I Venmo'd a year's salary to some chick in the Ukraine, I can only have hobbies that cost less than $25. Hell yeah! GRETCHEN Hey, everybody. Uh, thank you so much for coming to Jimmy's surprise/congratulations- you-sold-the-book party. Um, small change of plans, though. Jimmy's dad passed away. ALL VERNON What a major tradge, but... happens every day on my operating table. BECCA Someone dies every day on your operating table? VERNON Not literally every day, dummy. On average. PAUL Our condolences, Gretchen. We should let you two grieve in private. GRETCHEN Oh, no, no, no, no! Stay. Um, in fact...Wait, crazy idea. Um, why don't we tell him together? BECCA He doesn't know? GRETCHEN Well, it happened in England. And there's a time difference, so...Yeah, uh, so, when he comes home, I'll give the signal, you guys drop the bomb, and boom-- it's your fault. Thanks so much for doing this. Eat cheese, have fun. BECCA Can you imagine? He was almost my father-in-law. Of course, I'm much closer to the whole thing now that I'm going to have a daughter. That's right. We're having a girl. Aah! Isn't that amazing? Can't you just die how cute we're gonna be together? LINDSAY Mm. BECCA Of course, it's such a shame that our gender-reveal party was spoiled when those North Korean hackers stole Vernon's identity. PAUL Becca, we all know Vernon was a money-slave. BECCA What? No, no, no. No, that was just a story he told, because he was embarrassed. Bad passwords. KILLIAN Poor Jimmy. I lost my dad, too. GRETCHEN Your dad died? KILLIAN No. I just lost him. Last week, we were at the Beverly Center and he told me to go look at puppies while he went to Sunglass Hut. I think we both knew what was about to happen. GRETCHEN Oh, no. KILLIAN So, I've been living alone, sleeping in his bed. I'm not ready to be an adult. PAUL Contemplate the sundry ways a society handles its elderly and infirm. For instance, the noble Eskimo sets himself adrift on an iceberg. LINDSAY Mm, he's so smart. You love this smart, smart man. You love his jiggly body and square face. You really do. GRETCHEN He's here! Get ready. Gretchen, that brunch was a nightmare. The publisher just kept telling me, "When I write the book..." Plus the "bottomless" in "bottomless mimosas" means nothing if the waitress disappears for ten minutes at a time. GRETCHEN Jimmy, look who's here. JIMMY Huh. You invited people over. Is it Oscar night? Well, keep it down. I, of course, must handcuff myself to my laptop until my book is written. Good-bye, all. See you in the spring. GRETCHEN Wait, Jimmy, uh... Just stay a moment. Um, everyone's here for you. You're here to celebrate my book sale. Well, it would be positively unsporting of me to deny you the pleasure of basking in my success, even though nothing good happened to you. I never understood that impulse, really. Though we do tend to gather around a fire. GRETCHEN No, Jimmy, you don't understand, um-- Hey, everybody, could we, um... JIMMY And, Gretchen, my partner in crime, the diminutive, mole-lipped Lillian Hellman to my Dashiell Hammett. You have been so supportive. GRETCHEN No problem. Uh, the people would like to tell you something. JIMMY So, I was gonna surprise you. But I did some research. And I think I found the perfect cruise for you. It's called "The Famous Pets of Instagram Cruise." GRETCHEN What?! Sombrero Iguana? Bus Stop Goat! Cookie Pig! They're all gonna be there for me? EDGAR When are we delivering the package, you know? The top secret intel? GRETCHEN Shut up. After he buys the tickets. This is the greatest day of my life! I am gonna meet Grumpy Cat! JIMMY I sold my book! GRETCHEN We're gonna live forever! PAUL Lindsay, I got champagne in my wound. The bubbles, they sting! You have to flush it for me. LINDSAY Okay, Bear, let's go to the sink. PAUL It hurts so bad! Does it smell funny? If it smells like eggs, you have to take me back to urgent care! LINDSAY You love him. You love him. VERNON Want to get stupid? EDGAR How can you party like this when you know someone died? VERNON I work at a hospital, dude. Just 'cause a busload of dead kids rolled up, doesn't make it not Margarita Monday. ALL BECCA Congratulations, Jimmy. It is really great to see you so happy. Mm. You have always been a success in my book. Oh. GRETCHEN Okay. I picked out an ocean suite with a porthole so we can smoke and I added a meet and greet with Sarcastic Llama. They take Apple Pay. You just have to put your thumb on the thing. JIMMY They don't want me to succeed. GRETCHEN Oh, no, Jimmy, before you turn, can you just put your thumb on the thing?! JIMMY Look at them. GRETCHEN No! JIMMY Sirens singing, "Come play with us." But really they just want me to pilot my literary schooner into the rocks of do-nothingness. GRETCHEN I invited them! JIMMY Exactly! If you all didn't want me to fail, then you would've listened when I said I have to write! They're desperately afraid that I will shine so brightly, it will illuminate how dim their lives are by comparison. PAUL Congratulations, Jimmy. JIMMY Unaccepted. This is attempted criminal derailment. LINDSAY I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds jerky. JIMMY Yeah, and I'll be sure to return the favor and sabotage your eventual attempt to do something useful with your life like finish your GED or dance in your adult tap recital. LINDSAY It's Afro-funk fusion. PAUL Listen here, buster. Lindsay is my bride, she's pregnant with my offspring, and she deserves respect! LINDSAY You love him. It worked. PAUL Apologize. JIMMY I will do you one better. I'm gonna go downstairs and get my heckle file. And after I put you all in your place, once and for all, I'll be free to get to work, sans distractions. VERNON Yes. GRETCHEN Okay, everybody. Clock is ticking. Let's rip off the Band-Aid. BECCA Mm, we're going home. Vernon? VERNON But I want to get heckled. BECCA Fine, you can Uber home. But only the cheap carpool one. LINDSAY I can't wait to see him cry. Oh, no, me Da. Go tell him, Gretchen! GRETCHEN No, Edgar's gonna do it. Remember? EDGAR I-I can't. LINDSAY Just do it! EDGAR I'm dealing with some major shit. VERNON Delivering tragic news is a kind of service. To sacrifice your own comfort so they can have the gift of truth? That is true nobility. Like when I was born dead, I vividly remember the pain in the doctor's voice when he told my parents, "I have good news and I have bad news. "The good news-- "it's a boy and he's hella hung. Bad news-- dude's dead." EDGAR You're right. Jimmy deserves to know the truth. GRETCHEN Thank you. You're a hero. Now, get down there. Ooh, and remind him about the cruise afterwards. Oh, no, wait. Maybe it's too early. Yeah, hold it. Go! JIMMY More like dim... EDGAR Hey, Jimmy. JIMMY I'm afraid some of these heckles are a bit out of date. "Paul, nice It's Pat cosplay. "Edgar, I liked you better when you writing and starring in the hit musical In the Heights. Becca, heaven must be missing an angel, because an angel saw your stupid face and blew its brains out." That one's evergreen. EDGAR Uh, so you know how, uh, people come into your lives and, and they touch you? JIMMY Is this about you being molested? Boo-hoo. Every neighborhood had a handsy fishmonger. EDGAR No, Jimmy, it's about your father. JIMMY Has Gretchen been infecting you with her therapy? See, unlike Gretchen, my father is a non-entity in my life. If this is about anything, it's about my need to disprove the notion that at the core I'm just shit, which all started when I was a kid and-- Oh, my God. This is about my father. EDGAR Yeah, okay, see... JIMMY No wonder I can't take a moment to enjoy my triumph. EDGAR I-I wouldn't... JIMMY He's my true enemy! Instead of heckling my friends, I am gonna call that old twat and tear him to pieces. EDGAR Uh, no, no, J-Jimmy! JIMMY Thanks, Edgar. EDGAR Do not do that. JIMMY This is the first good idea you've ever had. EDGAR Oh, no, Bing Bong! Bing Bong! JIMMY Dad... EDGAR Oh, no. Oh, this is bad. This is bad. GRETCHEN Is he crying? It's really snotty and moany, isn't it? Bye! I'm gonna move to Arizona and sell turquoise jewelry. EDGAR No! He's gonna call his dad! GRETCHEN Wait, wait! You didn't tell him?! EDGAR Not at all. GRETCHEN Holy crap! PAUL We have to stop him. GRETCHEN Or maybe we don't. Think it through. One of the trash-bag sisters picks up. Confusion, confusion. Oy, ya daft fart. We sent the obit. Da's dead. And boom! A couple of weeks from now, I have a tan line shaped like Grumpy Cat, because she's been sitting on my lap on the cruise deck... PAUL Gretchen, you don't get to be in charge anymore! GRETCHEN What? You can't do that. LINDSAY My man takes charge. PAUL Everyone who's not currently on hobble sticks, go down there and stop him from calling his dead father! VERNON A ghost picks up the phone, I'm gonna shit my pants. EDGAR Oh, God. We're too late. VERNON Shh, what's he saying? JIMMY Hey, Ronny, it's your son. You're probably at the pub passed out in your stool over a half-eaten scotch egg in lard sauce, but I just wanted to let you know...I sold a book, Daddy. VERNON Good luck. LINDSAY Thanks for sticking up for me earlier. PAUL Of course. That's my job. LINDSAY I love you. PAUL Ow...I think my wound is weeping again. VERNON Hey, dude? Can I give you my profesh medical opinion? EDGAR Yeah. VERNON You need some help. EDGAR I know. JIMMY Hey, um... Just got off the phone with my father. Sure gave it to old Ronny. First, I jabbed him about his illiteracy and then his pulmonary oxygen absorption rate. GRETCHEN Jimmy, your dad died. JIMMY Yeah, when I heckled him so hard. This came in the mail. I'm so sorry! I'm just gonna... SONG ? I'm taking off ? ? I've closed the door ? ? As cold as stone ? ? Can't take no more ? ? To be alone ? ? Is where I go ? ? I choose to walk ? ? This lonely road ? ? Change the flow ? ? 'Cause I need the space to grow ? ? Hope you'll know ? ? I will find my way back... ?