BUSINESSWOMAN DOROTHY EDGAR GRETCHEN HOMELESS_MAN HOMELESS_MAN_2 HOMELESS_MAN_3 HOMELESS_MAN_4 JIMMY JUSTINA LINDSAY NARRATIVE_TITLE OLD_LADY PAUL POLICE_OFFICER SONG JIMMY The five most truly free moments of a human's life in ascending order-- leaving his parents' home, dumping a girl hard, deciding to eat a whole pizza, hammocks... and finishing a writing project. GRETCHEN Jimmy, did you finish your book proposal? JIMMY Your sarcasm is but an impotent fusillade of arrows plinking off the Sherman tank that is my relief. Nay, it is a Verdi aria to my brand-new cochlear implants, for it means 'tis true I indeed finished my book proposal. Also I am exceedingly drunk and cannot trust my grip on the truth. GRETCHEN "Grip." JIMMY Oh... DOROTHY Um... Uh, sorry. I just need to grab my, um... GRETCHEN JIMMY Oh, what are those? Gimme. GRETCHEN Uh, they're boring. I finally saw that psychiatrist. He put me on these. He's making me see this stupid therapist for the talky-talky. DOROTHY I always wondered, what exactly is the difference between a psychiatrist and a therapist? GRETCHEN A psychiatrist is like, "Here, take this pills, ho." A therapist is all, "Oh, tell me your shit. I couldn't make it as an actor." JIMMY I'm bored. Let's go to the bar. GRETCHEN Ugh. I have to go to that stupid therapist. Don't worry, it won't take long. I'll go in there, she'll wave her magic wand, and boom, Gretchen's 100. JIMMY Oh, you're moving out. Thank God. Make sure you leave your mattress on the curb before you go. And spray paint "unclean" on it, in Spanish. EDGAR No, Dorothy found a place. DOROTHY Thanks for letting me crash. I will leave a check for all the stuff I broke. Kidding. JIMMY Edgar, why in God's name haven't you been opening the mail? EDGAR You made mail Gretchen's, as you said, "one little chore." GRETCHEN Well, I already have one little chore. Aw, Jimmy's dick-- ya burnt. JIMMY No, he's right. "Gretchen opens the mail" is on the chore list. Right under "Jimmy takes out trash, i.e. his own butt." NARRATIVE TITLE Chore List – By Jimmy Shive-Overly EDGAR – Refill bed booze EDGAR –Laundry EDGAR – Make all beds EDGAR – Cook and clean EDGAR – Nightly perimeter sweep for raccoons, possums, and other pests/rodents EDGAR – Collect and clean all Scotch glasses JIMMY – Nap duty JIMMY - take trash out *ie. his own butt GRETCHEN – Open mail GRETCHEN Fine. I'll get to it. Never. Damn. Big day for burns. EDGAR Ooh. JIMMY Ugh. EDGAR Hey, um, I just wanted to say thank you for valuing my opinion. JIMMY I don't. Never have. Worse than a dog's opinion. What are you talking about? EDGAR Your book proposal. First of all, it's a really great start. I love the world. But I thought I'd do the 10,000-feet notes first, and then we'd go page by page, hmm? JIMMY Hmm. How about you literally throw them in the trash? The proposal went out already. EDGAR Well, then, why did you have me read it? JIMMY Because I wanted you to go, "Wow, you're so smart, Jimmy. I could never do that; I'm a stupid baby." SONG ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? Gonna leave you anyway. ? NARRATIVE TITLE You're the Worst JUSTINA I understand your frustrations, but sometimes hearing others' opinions can, at worst, make us feel more confident in our decisions. JIMMY Wow. For a therapist, you are a wretched listener. I didn't ask him for notes, because one, my proposal went out already, though I've heard nothing, which is potentially worrisome. And two, I don't even know for sure that he can read, let alone comprehend the sui generis, unabashedly erotic, multigenerational, literary family epic. JUSTINA Gretchen, you said you wanted Jimmy here because he can help tell the story of your depression. GRETCHEN Sorry, what? JUSTINA Can you tell me why you're here? GRETCHEN No. Can you? I thought the happy pills were supposed to fix me. JIMMY He had notes. What notes? The proposal is perfect. JUSTINA Talk therapy along with medication is the most effective long-term approach to managing depression. GRETCHEN You mean, beating depression. JIMMY Winning depression. GRETCHEN Oh, I like that. JUSTINA That's not a thing. GRETCHEN Winning it. JUSTINA Let's start here. Name one small thing you've been avoiding. GRETCHEN I already did one small thing this morning. Aw, rough day for Jimmy's dick. So, we done? JUSTINA We can be done, or you can do the next thing. Self-improvement is a lifelong process. GRETCHEN How is this a real profession? This feels like a scam. JUSTINA It's not a scam. GRETCHEN I calls 'em like I sees 'em. JIMMY I still don't understand why my issues are unimportant to you people. JUSTINA I want you to make a to-do list, but with just one thing on it at a time. GRETCHEN I don't have anything I need to do. You want to fight? Oh, are you trying to fight me? 'Cause we can go. Can't you just assign me the one thing? JIMMY Oh, I will. Launder your clothes. Don't wear your shoes to bed. Stop giving Killian food. Titty massages for Jimmy. That's when the girl runs her dangling titties up and down your body. It's quite nice. Wash your legs. JUSTINA What? GRETCHEN I don't wash my legs. Okay. Fine. Mail. There is a stack of mail that I have been avoiding. JUSTINA Why? GRETCHEN They always want money, or you have jury duty, or your grandma sent you a check for your birthday, and then you feel guilty that you never call her, and then you can't get out of bed for a month. Anyway... mail. Does that count for your stupid-ass...? Ugh, sorry. JUSTINA It's all right, I'm a professional. You can say anything you want in here. JIMMY Hmm. GRETCHEN Anything? Really? Does opening the mail count for your one little asshole thing, you goddamn cock? You suck-balls dumb dick? JUSTINA Sure. GRETCHEN Fine, jizz-magnet. I will open one piece of mail. JIMMY Say "whore." GRETCHEN Whore. JIMMY Whore. JUSTINA I'm regretting giving you license to say anything. Plus I do kind of want to fight you right now. GRETCHEN Too late. No take-backsies. Titty-sucking bitch. PAUL Ow. Lindsay, it hurts. LINDSAY I know. It'll be over soon. PAUL LINDSAY Well, it's not often I get to fill your holes, huh? PAUL Oh, I'm falling so far behind on my big year. Rhett Gherkins has spotted a paint-billed crake, Lindsay. A paint-billed crake! LINDSAY I know, but his wife has no tits...and looks like a Gila monster. PAUL Ow. No, don't make me laugh. Ow! I'm sorry. I'm so annoying. LINDSAY You're fine, bear. PAUL I'm a terrible patient. When I had the mumps, Mother threatened to send me to foster care. Pill time, hmm? And wash it down with this. PAUL This is so much medicine. LINDSAY Well, maybe you shouldn't have backed into my knife. PAUL It's just like me to go backing into things. I crawled in reverse until I was two. I'm so stupid. LINDSAY I'd better go refill these again. Credit card, please? PAUL I don't remember taking all that. LINDSAY You keep taking extra and you don't remember it. PAUL LINDSAY Bye, now. PAUL Please hurry back. JIMMY This is on Paul, right? LINDSAY Yes. What a poor little patient he is. I was so caught up preparing the mise en place, I didn't see him. He ran right into my knife. I didn't even push that deep. GRETCHEN Lindsay. LINDSAY How are your pancakes? GRETCHEN Are you saying that you, on purpose, like murderer-style, stabbed Paul? LINDSAY No. What? No. I loved him. GRETCHEN Love? LINDSAY Right. He's my current husband. I love him now. I do. Now I'm wishing I got the pancakes. GRETCHEN I can't believe that bitch gave me homework. No, you fix me, dummy. You know what? I'm a goddamn A.F. adult. I quit. She can suck it. EDGAR JIMMY Fine. Since you won't let it go, tell me one of your stupid notes. EDGAR Okay. Ah, macro. Uh, was the sex supposed to be erotic or disturbing? JIMMY Both. Dumb note. Next. EDGAR Yeah, I wasn't sure the "randy, Bohemian aunt" made sense as a character. JIMMY You don't make sense as a character. Very one-note. Next. EDGAR Why do Kitty and Simon install a two-way mirror? JIMMY Right, give me those. EDGAR Okay. Actually, I have to move Dorothy into her new apartment today and...I could use some help. JIMMY I'll come. EDGAR Oh, thanks, Jimmy. I've been a little rocky lately, and I could really use the support. JIMMY Oh, I'm not helping. I'm coming so that I can eviscerate your notes, one by one, to show you how dumb you are. Oh, and if you must know, they install the mirror because they're siblings. So, obviously, they can't partake in each other's tight, little bodies, but this way, at least, they can observe each other's erotic dalliances. Duh. GRETCHEN I just want you to know I am not coming back! First of all... JUSTINA I am with a patient. GRETCHEN Wait, what? GRETCHEN No, I'm angry! JUSTINA Get out. I'm so sorry. DOROTHY So, last night, guess your body adjusted to the new pills, after all. EDGAR Yeah, guess so. DOROTHY Good, because that whole thing that I said about non-penetrative sex, check, please. So, the apartment could be cute, right? If I pick up some extra Chore Monkey shifts to buy a couch, and figure out how to hide those weird pipes. The baby handprints on the ceiling are a little disconcerting, but you can't see them at night. Edgar? EDGAR Have you noticed how many more tent cities there are lately? DOROTHY Do you know any of them? Any ex-hobo girlfriends that I need to beat up? Sorry, bad time for comedy? EDGAR No, it's-it's fine. No, I'm sorry. This is your big day. DOROTHY Yeah! I am moving into a beautiful studio in WeHoCa. That's L.A.'s newest, hip neighbourhood West of Homeless Encampment. EDGAR Hey. I think it could be so cute. DOROTHY Right? I think so. Thanks. JIMMY I mean...it's obviously an idiotic note, but, gun to my head, I could show the origin of Malcolm and Sally's erotic coupling. Well, if I did that, then I'd be introducing a soupçon of narrative Anschauung, which would allow me to get inside Clementine's head when she allows the punk rock bassist she's just met urinate on her britches. This is so stupid. JUSTINA Okay. How can I help you, Gretchen? GRETCHEN Nice magazines. So boring, I almost died rather than read them. JUSTINA You obviously want very badly for me to understand something. GRETCHEN You told me there were things I could do, insinuating that I could have fixed myself any time I wanted, and that is negating my story. It is tired. It is patriarchal, and it is rape culture-y. You are basically a rape apologist. JUSTINA I don't believe you don't believe therapy can help. GRETCHEN Why don't you don't tell me more about how I don't feel? JUSTINA You really want to quit? GRETCHEN Yes. JUSTINA Okay, then. It was nice to have met you. You are memorable. You know... I'm proud of you for standing up for what you want. GRETCHEN Who are you, my mom? Joke's on you. My mom would never say that. I know you're not my mommy. Like, what if I started calling you "Mommy"? How weird would that be? JUSTINA I'm gonna go in now. Good luck, Gretchen. GRETCHEN Bitch. EDGAR I really like the adjustments. JIMMY Well, your asinine notes started a thought process of actual, usable fixes. I had to cut the scene in the cockpit of the plane where Joachim Kirschner masturbates during his bombing run on London, but the section is still highly erotic. DOROTHY Did you take out the thing with Roger spanking his nephew? JIMMY What, you let Dorothy read it?! DOROTHY I thought the sample chapters were great... JIMMY Thank you. It's so nice to hear from fans. DOROTHY ...just potentially very alienating to women. JIMMY This is literature, okay? It shall sing its own song, uncaring if sensibilities are too delicate. Anyway, it feels like we keep forgetting the proposal's in already. It's done. DOROTHY Okay. Just so many descriptions of semen on stockings. JIMMY Stockings are a sign both of the deprivation of the Second World War and how much the repressed Kitty's slutty little legs wanted semen on them! What is alienating about that? EDGAR Uh, hey. Uh...are people being generous today? HOMELESS MAN Man, I ain't got jack shit yet today. EDGAR Hmm, well, you know, I was noticing that, um, y-your sign's a little confusing. It looks like you need money for dog food for yourself. HOMELESS MAN No, I-I need money for my dog, food, and beer. EDGAR May I? HOMELESS MAN Yeah, please. Oh, that is clearer. Thanks, man. EDGAR Yeah. HOMELESS MAN 2 How's mine? EDGAR Between you and me, civvies feel super guilty around us veterans, so they've trained themselves to ignore us. So, um...uh, you know may-maybe write something funny instead. HOMELESS MAN 2 Like what? EDGAR Well, can I get a... like, a suggestion of a topic from one of you guys? You know, something light. HOMELESS MAN 3 Cookies. HOMELESS MAN 4 Demon rape. EDGAR I heard "cookies." Um... oh, all right. How about, uh, "Can only afford Hydrox, need money for Oreos." HOMELESS MAN 2 Because they're discount-ass Oreos. Yeah, that's funny. Wr-Write that. EDGAR All right. GRETCHEN To think you know how other people should think and feel. That is someone with something seriously wrong with them. That's psychopath behavior. LINDSAY So what do we do when she finally comes out? GRETCHEN We follow her home and egg her house. Duh. I had a better plan, but apparently pig's blood is, like, 12 bucks a quart. Can I have some more of those? Those are good. LINDSAY Gretchen...tell me what I may or may not have... maybe did by sorta-or- not-mistake is okay. GRETCHEN I'm not gonna absolve you for stabbing Paul. LINDSAY What?! I didn't! Are you crazy? GRETCHEN Who's watching Paul, anyway? LINDSAY He's fine. I set him up with a pile of DVDs and yummy sandwiches. PAUL Please. Please go in. Please. Please. Please go in. Last one. Please! Yes. Yes! Where's the thing? Where's the... JUSTINA LINDSAY JUSTINA What are you doing? GRETCHEN Nothing. What? Me and my girlfriend were just making out. No. Don't-- no. Okay. I don't know. Nothing. I was just gonna follow you home or whatever. JUSTINA Why? LINDSAY To egg you. GRETCHEN Not necessarily! I just wanted, you know, to prove that you don't have any right to judge me. Obviously. JUSTINA You're right. I don't. Good night. GRETCHEN Being vulnerable makes me angry! JUSTINA I get that. Being vulnerable is scary. But most people don't even try. Like my boyfriend. He never wants to talk about his stuff. He just squashes it down and keeps it all on lock. GRETCHEN Okay. So what happens to people like your boyfriend? JUSTINA Oh, no... I don't know. We'll see, I guess. Hopefully he stops wearing zip-up cargo shorts. But I know locked-down shit eventually becomes unlocked-down. Eventually, a person has to start taking responsibility for their own life. GRETCHEN See? There it is. You're-you're blaming me again. JUSTINA Calls 'em like I sees 'em. GRETCHEN LINDSAY What was that you were saying about taking responsibility? GRETCHEN Ow. JUSTINA Look, I can guide, but a patient has to do the work themselves. Eventually we all have to take responsibility for our own life. So, I'll see you next week, maybe? And don't stalk me again. 'Cause you guys suck at it. LINDSAY I am so wet right now. GRETCHEN Back off, bitch. POLICE OFFICER That part you just read, it sounds too fancy. Like, just make the language more regular. JIMMY Tristan and Iris are from upper-crust, early 20th century London. POLICE OFFICER Why can't he just say something like, "Iris, your twat's driving me up the wall"? JIMMY Okay. Anything else? BUSINESSWOMAN Shouldn't Simon and... the redhead... HOMELESS MAN 4 Kitty. BUSINESSWOMAN Yeah. Kitty. Shouldn't they end up together so people are happy? JIMMY But theirs is a taboo love forbidden by our current, ironically more repressive society. Okay. That's a good note. All right. Find a different ending, colloquialize the language in the first third, find motivation for the face-sitting, a few other tweaks. All right, thank you, everybody. Here we are. OLD LADY Also, there's too much sex. DOROTHY Edgar? What are you doing? EDGAR So, I was thinking, "From future. Time machine's broken. Need money for plutonium." Then, in parentheses, "FYI, the Cowboys win the Super Bowl next year." What do you think? DOROTHY What is going on with you? EDGAR I got out of it. But they're still here. Plus, I have useful comedic skills and a Sharpie. DOROTHY I think that it's really nice that you want to help them, but how 'bout helping your girlfriend? Isn't that why you're here? EDGAR You don't need it, not like they do. You have a place to live. DOROTHY Maybe we could get the rest of my stuff upstairs, and then we could use the boxes to help you make some signs. EDGAR Thank you. LINDSAY Paul? Sweetheart? PAUL Wha...Lindsay? Is that you? LINDSAY It is. Poor dear. PAUL LINDSAY Paul? PAUL Hmm? LINDSAY I'm sorry I was gone all day. I'm prepared to... take responsibility for that. Do you forgive me? PAUL Of course I forgive y... LINDSAY Great! PAUL LINDSAY I took responsibility, and now it's in the past. Whoosh! Gone. I'll make us Red Napkin. PAUL I love you. LINDSAY Of course. We're family. PAUL Ow. GRETCHEN Should we just give up? JIMMY Yeah, guess so. I just keep thinking about my book. GRETCHEN Therapist all up in my cabeza. We're better than this! I don't know why I'm so scared of doing some stupid, Dr. Phil bullshit task. She's the one making it seem like this Miyagi test. That's it. I'm gonna open this goddamn mail. JIMMY Then I'm gonna call my agent and tell him to pull the proposal. Maybe this isn't even the book that I want to write. Who knows? GRETCHEN Gas bill. Easy. Oh. Yeah, right, electricity. I'm not paying you. No, I don't want your stupid magazine! Nope. NARRATIVE TITLE Shitty Jimmy Dads Dead Sorry NARRATIVE TITLE Ronald C. Overly age 62 GRETCHEN No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. JIMMY Gretchen! My book! My book! The proposal sold! Ha! Suck it, Edgar and-and Dorothy and that cop, old lady, and businesswoman. I did it. Ha! I did it! GRETCHEN Oh, my God, that's-that's great. Um, have you...have you talked to your family recently? JIMMY Mwah! Hell no. I blocked all their numbers after their disastrous visit. Why? GRETCHEN Nothing. JIMMY We get the offer on Monday. God, I love being a writer! I mean, not that I'm surprised. This one felt so good, you know? I sure left it all on the page with this one. And my faith in it never wavered. Not really. Nope, never wavered at all. SONG ? My eyes are tired ? ? And I'm a liar ? ? I wish I had ace ? ? But I can re-erase. ?