BOTH CROWD DOROTHY EDGAR GRETCHEN HONEY_NUTZ JIMMY KIDS LINDSAY MAN MINISTER NARRATIVE_TITLE NARRATOR PAUL SAM SHITSTAIN SONG GRETCHEN Oh, God. Oh, shit! JIMMY Uh-huh. GRETCHEN I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come! JIMMY Um... GRETCHEN I'm gonna come. JIMMY Why do you always announce it? GRETCHEN What? JIMMY You always announce it. GRETCHEN I do? JIMMY Always. GRETCHEN I don't know. I guess I just want everyone to be clear that, uh... JIMMY That this is Gretchen's moment. GRETCHEN Yeah. Gretchen has the floor. BOTH GRETCHEN Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. JIMMY Oh. Oh, yeah! I'm gonna... GRETCHEN No! Wait. JIMMY Jesus. What? GRETCHEN Gretchen has the floor! JIMMY I don't know what to tell you. We can, you know, both. GRETCHEN Like, at the same time? JIMMY Why not? GRETCHEN I don't know. Will it be scary? JIMMY I don't know. It might. GRETCHEN Wait, I can't...I can't stop it. JIMMY Oh, me neither. GRETCHEN I can't stop it. Here I... JIMMY BOTH GRETCHEN You were so quiet. JIMMY You had the floor. GRETCHEN Aw. JIMMY SONG ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? I'm gonna leave you anyway ? ? Gonna leave you anyway. ? NARRATIVE TITLE You're the Worst GRETCHEN Ow! JIMMY Oh, stop. It's a soft case. GRETCHEN I'm gonna take a shower. Might take a second. I'm gonna wash my legs. JIMMY You mean shave your legs? GRETCHEN No. JIMMY I'm sorry? Implying that you don't usually wash your legs? GRETCHEN No. JIMMY You don't wash your legs? GRETCHEN No way. What am I, a sucker? What, you take showers, and you don't wash your legs? GRETCHEN What am I gonna do, like, bend down and wash my legs? Who has the time? JIMMY Yesterday, you spent two hours drawing a maze. GRETCHEN Yeah. And how do you think I had time to draw that sick-ass maze? No wonder you haven't finished your book, Jimbo. Too busy washing your legs. JIMMY Yeah, it's book proposal. And it's nearly done. GRETCHEN Hey, I forgot to mention! Sam and the boys are having a big secret reunion show tonight. You want to come? JIMMY Nope. GRETCHEN It's a really important night. Free booze. JIMMY Yeah, I'll be there. GRETCHEN Mm. Love you. JIMMY What did you say? GRETCHEN Oh, my God, are you serious? W-We said it. JIMMY No way! I didn't say it! GRETCHEN Uh, the night of Becca and Vernon's party. We both said...You said it first! JIMMY I was blackout drunk! Why would you take anything I said seriously? GRETCHEN I seriously think that you may have a drinking problem. JIMMY I don't have a problem. GRETCHEN You know what, I'm not gonna let this bother me. JIMMY Maybe you have a "believing things drunk people say" problem. I told you, from the beginning, I don't believe in it. GRETCHEN But you said it. JIMMY I might also have said that I don't have an opinion on your pubic hair, or that I was gonna help Edgar with his résumé. Doesn't make them true. DOROTHY Babe. Babe? Dude with his face in my business. EDGAR Uh, what's the matter? DOROTHY Just, um, you've been doing that for, like, a half hour. EDGAR Uh, uh, attention to detail. It's an Army thing... DOROTHY When are you gonna do me already? EDGAR I like making you feel good. DOROTHY Is this your way of apologizing for backing out of moving in together? If so, forgiven. Anyway, who am I to look a gift...whore? Gift head? EDGAR Gift mouth in the mouth. DOROTHY There it is. EDGAR DOROTHY Okay. DOROTHY NARRATOR For Mary, it was one argument too many. PAUL Lindsay! Lindsay, come out here! MAN Your mother cannot stay indef... LINDSAY Oh. Okay, let me go put on my biking Spanx. PAUL No, honey. You don't understand. PAUL Being back in this house, I realized I created a life apart from you. All my hobbies, my Internet activity, my secret bank account... LINDSAY Your what now? PAUL All these separate things created malignant distance between us. LINDSAY You're throwing away all your nerd stuff? PAUL From this moment on, my sole focus will be on things we can do together. LINDSAY PAUL Ah-ah-ah. I have a very special evening planned. LINDSAY My special night? PAUL Tonight, we launch our life, truly together. As a family. LINDSAY Family. EDGAR Breakfast...tots. JIMMY This is completely... brilliant. Why have you just thought of these now? EDGAR I'm more creative when I'm upset. JIMMY Oh. EDGAR I have a problem. JIMMY Mm. Having a problem is your defining characteristic. EDGAR No, I have a real problem. Um... ever since they switched some of my meds, I've been... having a little trouble in the bedroom. JIMMY What, night screamings? Sleep-to-rage? Waking up thinking, "Why am I here? Oh, right. Yeah, I'm freeloading off Jimmy." EDGAR No. Bed-room. JIMMY Oh, my God! Jesus, man. Are you serious? EDGAR It's not like nothing happens, but more like it starts to happen, then it gets halfway there and is like... "Nope, I'm going back to bed." JIMMY I've gone years now successfully never picturing your penis. And now...there it is. Just maybe try to...kink it back into working order, huh? What have you two tried? Latex? Smooshing? Medical play? Size training? CFNM? Funneling? Hazyface? Clit negging? Ladyboy? EDGAR Nothing. Just regular. JIMMY Well, then your penis is clearly bored to death. Just try something. Maybe start with some light role-playing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try and finish my breakfast without thinking about your penis. EDGAR Béchamel? JIMMY Uh, I'm done. GRETCHEN One, two, three. JIMMY I already have... GRETCHEN Mm? JIMMY Okay. GRETCHEN Let's do Lemon Drops next. JIMMY Don't you have work? GRETCHEN Have you seen what I do? JIMMY Now that you mention it, I've never known. How does it work? Like, with Sam. Who pays you? GRETCHEN The company for which I work. JIMMY A company hired you? They interviewed you and then offered you a job? GRETCHEN Ooh, let's try cosmos next, like ladies. Cosmos. Why are you asking me questions? JIMMY It's just funny. With this insane revelation that, for some reason, you don't wash your legs. GRETCHEN No need. Water falls on them. JIMMY Oh, my God. Anyway, had you not said anything, I might have never known this fact. GRETCHEN So? Chug. JIMMY So? The unknowable is terrifying, Gretchen. That's why humanity explores. To shine a light on the frightening dark that surrounds us. Thus, immediately upon learning that you don't wash your legs-- itself unimportant-- I'm now thrust into wondering what else don't I know? GRETCHEN About me? Ooh, okay. GRETCHEN Um, I dated two of the Baldwins. I competed in the U.S. Teen Nationals for show jumping. JIMMY In horsery? GRETCHEN Yes, horsery. For ten months, I did ink work for a professional counterfeiter. I've never eaten a blueberry. They are doll eyes. Think about it. Drink. JIMMY How do I not know any of this? GRETCHEN I can't do a cartwheel. An owl tried to kill me at Bible camp. JIMMY What? GRETCHEN Big sumbitch. Sluiced right through the night air, silent as shit. I think there's still a scar if you want... JIMMY No, no, no, no. What kind of camp did you say? GRETCHEN Bible camp. See, my real problem is I was wearing a headband with a cute little mouse on it. JIMMY Gretchen, are you religious? GRETCHEN No! JIMMY GRETCHEN I consider myself more generally spiritual. Drink. Whew! I am hammered! Are you hammered? You're the best. I'm so glad you're my boyfriend. JIMMY Mm. GRETCHEN Look, I know we weren't gonna say it, but... screw it. I love you, Jimmy. JIMMY I love you. GRETCHEN I knew it. JIMMY Psyche! Nice try, dummy. JIMMY I've had five shots. I could fly a plane after five shots. Bye. GRETCHEN He doesn't remember saying it. Little punk-ass bitch. LINDSAY I've done tons of stuff drunk, and it all counts my wedding, driving school, all my dentist appointments. GRETCHEN Getting vag-fected by Paul's wriggly little jizz monsters? Ow! No! Ow! Don't pinch me! LINDSAY We are having this baby! It's a fresh start. SAM Stop! LINDSAY You bitch! GRETCHEN Quit it! SAM Stop it! SAM We're supposed to be having a meeting about the secret reunion show tonight. GRETCHEN You're early. It's still my lunch hour. I will eat those later. You're not having this baby. SAM Unfortunately, being keenly in tune with the human condition means that after hearing this idiotic shit for the past ten minutes, I have thoughts. Bitch, he does not love you. GRETCHEN Oh, goddamn it! SAM When you say "I love you," it's supposed to be romantic and/or highly sexual. SHITSTAIN Or when you're so overwhelmed by what perfection is in front of you... SAM If you say the word "Jaclyn" one more time, I will gag you with that raggedy-ass bandanna! HONEY NUTZ I've never loved anyone. I guess it's because I never felt worthy of love in return. SAM Be the CEO of your own life, Gretch. Don't wait for no one to say it to you. Every morning in the mirror, I purse my pillow lips up and stare into my apple juice eyes, and I be like, "I love you. I love you, Sam. I love you!" HONEY NUTZ "Apple juice eyes"? SAM Don't be trying to play like they ain't rich, delicious, apple juice. That's why no one loves you. Anyway, dudes don't say it with words, they say it with actions. Other bitch, get out of here. We got to talk about the show. GRETCHEN I am all over it, Sam. I have a press release ready to go. SAM It's a secret show! No press release. No industry whispers. GRETCHEN Um... then how will people find out about it? SAM Real ballers' fans find out clandestine style and shit. SHITSTAIN Fetty Wap at the El Rey. HONEY NUTZ Schoolboy Q on the roof of The Standard. SAM Young Thug at Sufjan Steven's broth restaurant. No press. All packed. GRETCHEN Okay, but that's not actually how it works. SAM Gretch! No! It has to be pure. It's a point of pride. Prove to the world we ain't never slipped. EDGAR Hello? DOROTHY Hi. I was just babysitting next door, and I got bored watching Hulu, like we millennials do. EDGAR Oh, hi. Come in. DOROTHY Geez, nice place. Reminds me of my piano teacher's house. Sometimes we sit too close to each other on the bench, and our side-butts touch. EDGAR It's ac... it's actually my friend Jimmy's house. He let me sleep here because I was homeless... DOROTHY Dude, this is fantasy. EDGAR Oh, right. Uh... Yeah, this is my house. Which I bought with a mortgage... money loan. DOROTHY Yeah, well, I just moved to town to be a YouTube star. Don't you love my widdle baby voice, Daddy? EDGAR Whoa. DOROTHY Oh, shit. Sorry. DOROTHY Hey, troopmate. What happens in the foxhole stays in the foxhole, right? Shit. Sorry. Ugh. I'm not very good at this, which is weird, because my character work is what got me very close on three different basic cable hidden camera prank shows. Let's try again. EDGAR No, no. It-It's okay. DOROTHY Is it me? Is this because I farted in front of you the other day? EDGAR Some of my new medications apparently can have libido-interfering characteristics. DOROTHY Well, can't you just get them to switch them? EDGAR They have been switching them and switching them and switching them and switching them. DOROTHY Well, your body probably just has to get used to it. I mean, they wouldn't have you on something that makes you unable to have sex forever. EDGAR Of course not. DOROTHY And, until you figure it out, there's probably a pill you could take... EDGAR No, I'm not taking another pill. I can't keep taking more pills and more pills and more pills, okay? DOROTHY Never mind. I'm sorry. EDGAR I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just hard. DOROTHY No, it's not. Bad, Dorothy. SAM This door list is as white as your ass! Where's all the goddamn people on this bitch, bitch? GRETCHEN You told me not to publicize it! SAM To normal people, stupid! Where's all the media dudes and the influencers? SHITSTAIN Our actor and athlete fans? SAM Where the hell is CP3 and Marcelo Huertas and Bradley Cooper? HONEY NUTZ Bradley Cooper loves us! We got hella wasted with dude backstage of Elephant Man. You remember that? SHITSTAIN Mm-hmm. SAM Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch? Where is Bradley Cooper?! GRETCHEN You forbade me from inviting anyone! SAM Not important people! SAM I hate you! This is sabotage! Quick! Social media tsunami! Yo. What's up, fans? It's your boy, Sam. Come down to the Smear, now. Secret show. Hella shrimps! I love you. SHITSTAIN It's no use. We only got 20 minutes! SAM I cannot have snaps of an empty-ass show all over the Internet! SAM Get bodies in here. I don't care how! Shit! HONEY NUTZ And don't forget Bradley Cooper! SONG ? Ooh, ooh... ? PAUL Lindsay. LINDSAY PAUL You look positively ethereal. LINDSAY I am so excited to open my special prize and find out what we're doing tonight. Hmm? "Red Napkin"? PAUL LINDSAY Paul, this dress doesn't have a butt. PAUL It's an apron. LINDSAY A Napron? PAUL Red Napkin is the finest in seasonal, pre-portioned meals delivered fresh, thrice weekly, that you cook at home together. LINDSAY My present is cooking? PAUL Cooking as a family. LINDSAY Family. PAUL You don't seem excited. LINDSAY I thought you were taking me out, like a fun party date. PAUL We can't party anymore. You're pregnant. Like we talked about. This is the next phase of our life. And we both want that. GRETCHEN NARRATIVE TITLE This distressed young woman wishes to address the faithful. NARRATIVE TITLE All are welcome in our church. NARRATIVE TITLE I will translate. GRETCHEN Oh. CROWD NARRATIVE TITLE Hi! Sorry. NARRATIVE TITLE I'm not crazy. NARRATIVE TITLE Well, actually, technically...Clinical depression. NARRATIVE TITLE But, I'm starting therapy next week, NARRATIVE TITLE so, that's terrifying! NARRATIVE TITLE Please get to your point, child, we have to wrap this up. NARRATIVE TITLE Pharrell is doing a pop-up sneaker shoe here at midnight. NARRATIVE TITLE Sorry. NARRATIVE TITLE After the service, if anyone would like to go across the street? NARRATIVE TITLE to watch a really talented group of guys do a music show. NARRATIVE TITLE it would maybe save my job. NARRATIVE TITLE I like your church. NARRATIVE TITLE This place was a crepe restaurant for a hot minute. NARRATIVE TITLE Knew it wouldn't last. NARRATIVE TITLE Crepes are just pancakes for assholes. NARRATIVE TITLE Also, NARRATIVE TITLE I will pay anyone who comes NARRATIVE TITLE thirty dollars cash! NARRATIVE TITLE Plus there's lots of really fresh seafood NARRATIVE TITLE shrimps, crabs, oysters, scallops... MINISTER Gracias. Gracias, mi hija. NARRATIVE TITLE Thank You. Thank You. CROWD JIMMY You speak Spanish? GRETCHEN Who doesn't speak Spanish? JIMMY Me. Edgar. GRETCHEN Look, Jimmy, if you're that freaked out, we can just unsay it, okay? Poof! Unsaid. JIMMY I'm not gonna start pretending. I might as well start pretending there's a person who lives in the clouds who cares whether we survive cancer or not. We are strangers, Gretchen. GRETCHEN Bullshit. We know each other. JIMMY Well, not really. We live together, we trust, blindly. But it's based on what? It's actual madness, willingly living with a wild animal but one with thumbs who can steal your money and hurt you emotionally. GRETCHEN So what changed? Why are you suddenly so freaked out now? JIMMY What? I don't like that. Stop doing that! GRETCHEN That's why you've been asking me questions all day? You never cared enough to ask before. Sam was right. You are showing me, not telling me. JIMMY Listen, those words-- they're like a-a verbal contract. They're a promise. And I am not ready to make that promise. GRETCHEN If "I love you" is like a promise, it's just a promise to, like, try real hard. Doesn't mean you can't fail. JIMMY It doesn't? GRETCHEN Have you met me? The only way I can stomach any of this is knowing I can just bail at any time. JIMMY We can just... bail? GRETCHEN Yeah. I always have one foot out the door. With everything. Especially with us. JIMMY So you might just suddenly bounce? GRETCHEN Any minute. JIMMY I love you. GRETCHEN Jimmy. JIMMY Come here. DOROTHY Listen, I'm sorry for earlier. I reacted badly. EDGAR Nah, you didn't. DOROTHY Yes, I did. And I'm sorry. EDGAR Thank you. DOROTHY 'Cause, honestly, your health is all that matters. We can just, like, have a nontraditional thing. EDGAR What do you mean? DOROTHY We don't have to have penetrative sex. You know, you can just go down on me for hours, like earlier. EDGAR DOROTHY Ha-ha. Or we can get one of those sex toys that looks like a dolphin. Anyway, I am in this, regardless of limitations or what we can't do anymore. Okay? EDGAR Thank you. I have to hit the restroom. DOROTHY Okay. SAM ? I'm Steph Curry rapping, getting digit, loads of paper ? ? Sippin' martinis, snuffin', huffin' giga-loads of vapor ? ? Don Draper ? ? Paper palace ? ? Your house is all papyrus ? ? House of cards falling down, round somebody killed Osiris ? ? Medicare, Medicaid ? KIDS SAM ? And all social services ? ? Nervous kid, I'll show your nervous grandma ? ? Just what nervous is ? ? Shit-talking cops like my name was Mel Gibson ? ? Sugar tits, honey dip, choosy bitches prefer Tiffany ? ? I'm so sky high while my mind's eye is boozy ? ? I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ? ? I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ? ? I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ? ? I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi. ? CROWD SAM Now, as y'all know, me and these fools were beefin'. But squabbles is normal in a family. So during that time, we wrote a song that really speaks to the soul of friendship in this incendiary cultural time. It's called "New Phone, Who Dis?" Where's that simple-ass white bitch at?! White bitch! MAN Here's the classic sound of the red-winged blackbird. PAUL For our first meal, dear wife, we are having hominy and poblano pepper posole, with a warm mushroom salad and rhubarb grits. MAN Now, the chatters of a house wren. PAUL I picked up a demi-bottle of Gewürztraminer. Obviously, you can't have any, so I SodaStreamed some sparkling water with yuzu for you-zou. MAN Eastern meadowlarks came to nest in our yard... PAUL Interesting fact, did you know an average ear of corn has an even number of rows, usually 16? And humans have 32 teeth. How's that for intra-kingdom synergy? I'm so happy I get to do this with you forever, wife. We have menus for the next six months already. Thus, there are no surprises, ever. PAUL Okay, let's see. Menu number two is jerk venison with smashed yams... LINDSAY PAUL ...and garlic-ginger okra. Yum! MAN Lastly, we have the warbles of an American goldfinch. PAUL Meal number three is gomasio-spiced parsnip soup... PAUL SONG ? When I first met you, baby ? ? You were floating ? ? Up above ? ? I thought, maybe ? ? This is it ? ? This is love ? ? I fell so hard ? ? I fell so hard... ?