CAITLIN CHARLES DAVID DIANA GABE HANS JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE ROB THAD WOMAN CAITLIN I can't believe you went down there and talked to that tattoo guy. LIZA Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I gave him a piece of my mind. CAITLIN You gave him a piece of something. LIZA What is that supposed to mean? CAITLIN I saw you, Mom. So, okay, how exactly does that work? You go down to complain but end up making out with him? I mean, gee, the Pakistani guy at the bodega gave me the wrong change. Are you gonna go give him a handy? LIZA Don't talk to me like that. CAITLIN Well, I'm sorry. But I don't know what's going on here. CAITLIN Okay, you know that your father and I are separated, and eventually I'm gonna be seeing people. CAITLIN The tattoo guy? LIZA His name is Josh. CAITLIN And you're, like, a couple? LIZA Um, sort of. CAITLIN Okay. That's the grossest thing I've ever heard. LIZA Oh, come on. Can we just-- CAITLIN No-- LIZA Let's just sit down and talk about-- CAITLIN No, Mom, you're having a midlife crisis, just like Dad, and I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I just want to go to bed. Ugh. I just thought about it again. LIZA And then she said I was having a midlife crisis. MAGGIE Your crisis was your boring life before this. LIZA Ugh, I hate this. Caitlin and I have always been so close, and now I can't talk to her about anything-- Josh, work. Maybe I could tell her about work. MAGGIE No! You know, we've been through this already. She's a teenager, and she's gonna blow your cover and blab to everybody. Keep your mouth shut and get her through college. LIZA LIZA Are you expecting anybody? MAGGIE No. LIZA Hi, who is it? DAVID It's David. CAITLIN Is that Dad? LIZA Yeah. What, are you leaving? CAITLIN Yeah, I'm just gonna stay with him for a few weeks. He's giving me a job in his office. LIZA Did you tell him about Josh? CAITLIN No, I just told him it was getting awkward around here, which it is. LIZA But you don't have to leave, Caitlin. CAITLIN I think you need to figure stuff out, and, you know, I need a job. Dad needs help in the office. It's a win-win-win. DAVID Hey! How are you? CAITLIN Hi! DAVID Oh, it's so good to see you. CAITLIN Hi, Dad. DAVID You're so thin. CAITLIN Oh. DAVID Did they feed you in India? CAITLIN No, I need dead cow, like, as soon as possible. DAVID All right, White Castle on the way home, baby. Liza, how come every time I see you, you look younger? MAGGIE You just forgot what she looked like happy. DAVID Hey, Maggie. MAGGIE Oh, lovely. DAVID Good to see you. Love the robe. When's the big fight? LIZA All right. Okay. You call me if you need anything. And remember, you can always come back. MAGGIE I second that. Come here. CAITLIN Thank you. LIZA I'm gonna miss you. CAITLIN Somehow, I don't think you'll be too lonely. DAVID What does that mean? CAITLIN Nothing. Come on, Dad. MAGGIE She'll be fine. She'll be back. LIZA Low foam skinny cap-- DIANA Shh, shh. KELSEY Rob, is there no way that we could meet in person? Discuss this face-to-face? ROB I already signed the contract with Hachette. Look, I really appreciate all you've done for me, but it's time to move on. Good luck, guys. DIANA And good luck to you, Rob. Just know that Empirical's door is always open. Screw him; send out a press release immediately that says we dumped Rob Olive. KELSEY I don't get it. Hachette already has so many Sick Lit writers. LIZA What's Sick Lit? DIANA Terminally ill teen genre. Like "Fault in Our Stars." KELSEY I spent so many hours at the desk with that guy, literally milking every chapter from him. DIANA She even came up with the title of his last best seller, "#I'm Dying." LIZA Well, maybe there's some way to get him back. DIANA Too late, Galley Cat is already reporting it. LIZA Hey. JOSH Hey, hot pants. LIZA Can you believe it? Finally gonna get a night together. JOSH And they're really good about checking IDs, so we don't have to worry about your daughter showing up. LIZA Sorry it's been so weird. JOSH Oh, it's okay. It's okay. We're weird, all right? I don't know. I kind of like it. What are you gonna do? LIZA Drink? JOSH Excellent. HANS All right, all right. Who's ready for Trivia Tuesday? JOSH Yeah! LIZA It's trivia night? HANS Free shot for every correct answer. LIZA Oh, okay. Now it get it. JOSH Yeah. HANS Petey Piranha and King Boo ride together in this multiplayer game. WOMAN "Mario Kart: Double Dash!!" HANS Correct! HANS I totally remember that game. LIZA Yeah, but you didn't remember it fast enough. JOSH I know. HANS Next question. You have to translate this emoji sentence. JOSH Oh, dude, these are my jam. HANS Eggplant, peach, two cows, house, question mark. WOMAN Let's have sex till the cows come home! HANS Correct. WOMAN Yeah! LIZA What? JOSH Damn! She's really good at this. HANS All right, next category is the '90s. LIZA All right. Now we're talking. HANS Her name was Lisa Lopes. Her nickname was-- LIZA Left Eye! HANS Correct! JOSH Yes! HANS Next question. O.J. Simpson had a house guest-- LIZA Kato Kaelin. HANS Correctamundo! Okay, here's a hard one, guys. Who was the mastermind behind the smashing of Nancy Kerrigan's-- LIZA Jeff Gillooly! HANS Wow. Amazing. WOMAN How is she getting all these? JOSH She's 40! LIZA Hey, easy with the F word, sweetie. JOSH What? HANS Two more shots for our winners. LIZA No, no. I'm okay. I've had enough. JOSH No, no. Keep 'em coming. What are you talking about, you've had enough? Oh, my God. You know what I just thought of? LIZA What? JOSH When I was born, you were in middle school. LIZA I guess so. JOSH And when I was 16, you were... You were 30! LIZA Yep, pretty much always a 14-year age difference. JOSH Oh, my God, though. You're closer to my mom's age than you are to mine. LIZA Okay, can we stop doing the math now? JOSH Yes. LIZA Okay. JOSH No more math. LIZA No more math. JOSH I don't like--ooh. LIZA Are you okay? Is something wrong? JOSH No, no, no. We're good. LIZA Okay. Okay? Okay. JOSH Nope. Nope. Oh, I know what's happening. LIZA What? JOSH I have whiskey dick. LIZA What? JOSH Whiskey dick. My 40-year-old girlfriend got my dick drunk. LIZA Sorry. Good morning. DIANA That remains to be seen. You look tired. LIZA Ah, yeah. My boyfriend and I got into some whiskey last night-- DIANA Not interested. I need you to be surgically attached to your phone for the next 48 hours. LIZA Um, okay. DIANA Laura Hillenbrand's new book is coming up for auction. The second it is released to the bidders, I will text you. You will drop everything and sign out a watermarked copy from her agent's office and hand-deliver it to Charles. LIZA That's exciting. I loved "Seabiscuit" and "Unbroken." DIANA Liza, if you want to be taken seriously, you can't just blurt out your unrequested opinion. This is not a Gallup poll. LIZA I bet "Seabiscuit" would love a Gallup poll. DIANA Honestly, it's like you have some form of literary Tourette's. LIZA Hey, how's it going? KELSEY Not good. I'm looking for the next Rob Olive. I stayed up all night reading Sick Lit books, and now I'm pretty sure I have five different kinds of cancer. You? LIZA Actually, can I ask you something? KELSEY Yeah. LIZA Has Thad ever had trouble performing? KELSEY Like a coke poke? LIZA What's a coke poke? KELSEY The worst. It's like running as hard as you can to a finish line that never, ever comes. LIZA Oh. KELSEY Sore for days. LIZA Yeah, no. That's not Josh's thing, but-- KELSEY Wait, you and Josh are back together? LIZA Yeah, we're, um--we're trying to work things out. KELSEY Oh, my God. I need a scorecard to keep up with you two. LIZA KELSEY Well, while you guys are on again, bring him to Hector and Dorf's launch tonight because their parties give everyone a boner. It's Rob Olive. And he wants to meet for lunch. ROB Kelsey, thanks for coming. KELSEY Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad we could finally meet face-to-face. ROB Look, it's important. My new story isn't coming. I'm completely stuck. KELSEY All right. What's it about? ROB A high school girl gets put on hospice care the day before her prom. It's a great premise, but it's all I got. KELSEY Okay, what if her friends bring the prom to her and have it at the hospice? ROB Oh, my God. That is genius. See? I can't do this without you. KELSEY So come back to Empirical. ROB No. I want you to come with me to Hachette. KELSEY Oh, come on. I'm sure their editorial team would just love that. ROB They're preparing you an offer as we speak. KELSEY What? ROB They know what you're making at Empirical, and they can do much better. Wait till you see this offer. KELSEY I look forward to seeing it. JOSH This is badass. What exactly is it? LIZA Hector and Dorf's new collection is inspired by Cold War-era ping-pong diplomacy. JOSH What the what, what? MAGGIE Nixon-era stuff. LIZA On the invitation, it said that the U.S. Table Tennis team were the first Americans to visit communist China back in 1971. JOSH 1971. That's the year you were born, right? LIZA 1974. Don't make me older than I am. JOSH You guys want something from the bar? LIZA Yeah. MAGGIE Please. JOSH Oh, hey. No whiskey. I promise. LIZA Okay. You see how focused he is on my age now? MAGGIE He's just joking. LIZA He's obsessed. MAGGIE Oh, come on. Let's play some ping-pong. KELSEY The Hachette offer just came in. THAD Wow. Not bad. KELSEY I just really don't want to leave Empirical. They're like my family. THAD A poor family. What? This offer's good, Kels. And I bet you can get escalating bonuses based on Rob Olive's sales. You know what? Actually, just CC me into the emails, and I'll take care of it. Tell 'em I'm your financial manager. KELSEY Thank you for looking out for me. THAD I am gonna squeeze their nuts till they're squirting money in your face. KELSEY Okay, you can't tell anyone, but Hachette just made me a big offer. LIZA What? KELSEY I know. LIZA Well, what are you gonna do? KELSEY Thad thinks I should take it. LIZA Well, you're at least gonna give Charles a chance to match the offer, right? KELSEY I think I should. I mean, he gave me my big break. I owe him my career, but then the other part of me thinks that he's always going to view me as a former assistant, you know, no matter what I do. He's never really gonna value me as an editor in my own right. LIZA Kelsey, I don't think that's true. KELSEY It's not his fault. It would be the same anywhere. You got to leave to be taken seriously. MAGGIE We're up. LAUREN Josh! There you are. Hey, hey, Thad. THAD Hey. LAUREN All right, let's skip the small talk. I need deets on the breakup. You said you never really knew Liza. Then you guys are back together. What? What is the deal? JOSH Uh, I am going to go get some dessert, actually, so-- LAUREN No, no, no. Waiter! Waiter! Hey, bring us some Tiananmen squares. THAD Oh, man. Those are really good. KELSEY Hey, babe. THAD Hey. KELSEY Josh! JOSH Hi. KELSEY Hi, Liza told me you guys are back together. I'm really happy about that. LAUREN Shh, he was just telling us about the breakup. JOSH No, I wasn't, actually. LAUREN Come on. THAD Somebody cheated. JOSH Nobody cheated. LAUREN She cheated. JOSH No. LAUREN Am I right? JOSH No, we just had our stuff. LAUREN What? Like what? JOSH Like, she was allergic to my cat. THAD You broke up over a cat? LAUREN Then why would you guys get back together? JOSH Because it died. KELSEY Your cat died? What happened? JOSH It ate some bleach, and-- KELSEY How did it get into bleach? JOSH Uh, you know, he just got up there and just got some bleach. KELSEY Oh, my God, he? It was a boy. This is so sad. THAD What kind of a cat wants bleach? JOSH You know, I, uh--I'm gonna run outside real quick. THAD Vape? Yeah, let's blaze it up, bro. JOSH No, no. I got to go. MAGGIE Yes. Is Josh taking off? LIZA Hey. Is everything okay? JOSH I think I'm just gonna call it a night. LIZA What? Why? LIZA I'm sorry. CHARLES Hi. LIZA Hi. Um, I've got the Hillenbrand manuscript. CHARLES Thank you so much for running it over so late. I hope I didn't ruin your night. LIZA Nah, I was just playing a little ping-pong. CHARLES Is that right? LIZA Yeah, but you're so lucky. I'm such a Hillenbrand fan. "Seabiscuit" was my favorite. CHARLES Well, I wish I could ask you to come in and read this with me, but that could get us both in trouble. LIZA Oh. CHARLES No, I signed a confidentiality agreement. There are probably lawyers hiding in the bushes. LIZA Okay, right. Well, I should let you get to it. Okay. CHARLES Wait, before you go, a friend of mine told me that Hachette is trying to poach Kelsey Peters. Have you heard anything about that? LIZA Okay, I'll say this. Everyone wants to feel valuable at work, and I think that it would mean a lot to Kelsey if she knew just how much you valued her, that you won't always see her as an assistant who's been promoted. CHARLES I appreciate that information, Liza, and your discretion. LIZA Okay. I guess I'll see you on Monday. CHARLES Yeah. See you Monday. LIZA Enjoy the book. CHARLES Yeah, and enjoy your night. Ping-pong. MAGGIE Hey. LIZA Hey. I thought you'd still be at the party. MAGGIE Eh, I bailed. Whatever happened with Josh? LIZA Oh, I don't know. I texted him, and he hasn't texted back. I just can't figure him out anymore. LAUREN Can't figure who out? LIZA Lauren, hi. LAUREN Hi. LIZA Uh, can I get you a robe? LAUREN Uh, no. No, thank you. I'd throw on my dress, but your roommate tore it in half like a phone book. MAGGIE Yeah. LIZA I can't believe you brought Lauren here. She could accidentally see something, a photo, who knows, and find out about my age. MAGGIE She's so self-focused. She's barely aware of her surroundings. LAUREN So where is Josh anyway? LIZA Oh, he went home early. LAUREN On a Friday night? That is not good. LIZA You don't know that. LAUREN I also date guys. LIZA No, I mean, I do feel like things have been kind of cooling down between us in the bedroom. LAUREN Yeah, no, I figured that would happen. LIZA What? LAUREN Josh is really edgy, you know? And you're, like, the nice girl. I know. I know that opposites attract, but, no offense, he's probably bored. MAGGIE Hey. LIZA No, maybe he is bored. LAUREN Of course he's bored. All of these guys have been watching porn since they guessed their parents' password. It's hard to keep their attention. You've got to work at it. LIZA Like, how? LAUREN Like, be a boss. Like, you got to get aggro with him. LIZA Okay. Uh, can you be more specific? LAUREN Do you have a leather hood? MAGGIE Uh, no, no. That's too hardcore. LAUREN Okay, all right. A penis cage? LIZA A what? LAUREN Fishnets and a finger up the butt? LIZA I think I know what I need to do. GABE Can I help you? LIZA Is that my bathrobe? GABE No. This bathrobe belongs to a young woman named Liza who my roommate Josh used to date. LIZA Okay. Is Josh home? JOSH Liza? LIZA I just want you to know, if this is over, it's okay. I understand, you didn't plan to be with a 40-year-old divorced mom. JOSH Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did I ever say-- LIZA You don't have to say anything. It's just--it's what I'm feeling. I mean, first this guy didn't want anything to do with me, and then you disappeared from the party. JOSH Okay, I'm sorry about that. LIZA Don't be sorry. You should be with someone your own age who will go aggro on you and put your penis in a cage, but that's not me. I can't pretend with you anymore. You know who I really am, and maybe that's not enough or it's too much, or just-- JOSH Shh. Hi. LIZA Hi. JOSH Okay, look. The other night, I just drank a little too much. Seriously. But tonight, everybody started asking me all these questions, and it got really weird, and I just--I left. I can't be put in that position again, babe. Like, come on, I can't lie to your friends. You know, they're my friends too. LIZA But you don't understand; I have to lie about my age at work, or I'll get fired. JOSH I mean, you could tell Kelsey. She'd be shocked, but she'd get over it. She's not gonna turn you in. Kelsey loves you. She's crazy about you. I'm crazy about you. LIZA Really? JOSH Really. GABE Ugh. LIZA I'm gonna need that bathrobe dry-cleaned. KELSEY Hey. Could I talk to you? CHARLES Yeah. Come on in. KELSEY Hi. CHARLES Hi. KELSEY First of all, I want to thank you for giving me my big break in this business. Without you believing in me, I-- CHARLES I know about the Hachette offer. KELSEY Oh. CHARLES I can't match their money, but I can offer you something that you won't get anywhere else. Your own imprint geared towards 20-somethings. You'll choose the projects. You'll have editorial control, and you can pick your team. KELSEY Are you serious? CHARLES Yeah. It's a big step up, but I think you're ready. KELSEY Thank you. CHARLES Is that a yes? KELSEY Yeah. Yes. Hi. LIZA Hi. Um, there's something that I need to tell you. Will you sit down? KELSEY No. You sit. Charles just gave me my own imprint. LIZA What? KELSEY For millennials, by millennials. I get to run it. LIZA That's fantastic! KELSEY It's gonna be huge, and I want you to be a part of it. LIZA Really? KELSEY Of course, yes! You're smart. You're young. You have great taste. I don't want to do this without you. LIZA Then I'm here for you. KELSEY We're gonna be 26-year-old bosses. Wait, you had something to tell me. LIZA Nothing. Yay! Ah! Oh, my God.