ALL BOBBY BOTH CAITLIN CHARLES DIANA DORA DR_SARKISIAN GABE JERROD JOSH KELSEY LIZA MAGGIE MAN MICHAELA PADMA WOMAN LIZA Okay, not a word about anything. Final decision. MAGGIE Five minutes ago she was in the circle of trust. What just happened? LIZA Caitlin's gonna have enough cultural shock coming home without having to hear that her mother has a completely new identity. And definitely don't mention Josh. MAGGIE I don't even know what's going on with you two. LIZA Mm, things are weird now that he knows that I'm 40. MAGGIE J. Lo's in her 40s, and everybody in their right mind's trying to make it work with her. LIZA Cause she's J. Lo. MAGGIE You're as hot as J. Lo. LIZA Well, you're as hot as Megan Fox. MAGGIE Hon, let's never stop lying to each other, okay. LIZA Caitlin! ALL Hi! LIZA CAITLIN Hi! LIZA Hi, Caitlin! Oh, I've missed you so much. CAITLIN Ah, hi, Mom. Hi, Maggie. MAGGIE Hi, give me a kiss. LIZA Wow... BOTH Muah! LIZA Someone needs a shower. MAGGIE I got it. CAITLIN Mom, don't be so Western. All right. This is how human beings smell. LIZA Oh...okay. CAITLIN Mom, I know it's only 9:00 a.m., but can we order pizza? Seriously, I've been having erotic dreams about pizza. Like, I'm about to kiss a boy and then his tongue just turns into a slice. MAGGIE Well, girl, you're back in the land of Seamless where you can order the pizza and the boy. CAITLIN Yes. LIZA Honey, will you sit down for a second? I want to share something with you. CAITLIN Okay. LIZA So while you've been in India, I've been going through a bit of an identity issue. CAITLIN Mm. Gay or transitioning? LIZA What? CAITLIN Into a man? LIZA No. Why would you go there? CAITLIN Because you're tall, and Dad always said you had man hands. LIZA When did he say that? CAITLIN I wouldn't care. In India, they're known as hijras, and they're very accepted. They're even legally recognized as a third gender on their passports, so. LIZA Okay, that's good to know, but that's not my issue. CAITLIN What is it, then? LIZA The issue is... MAGGIE No. LIZA Brooklyn. CAITLIN What? LIZA Yes. Yes, that's it. I love it. I love it, and I just don't identify with New Jersey the way that I used to. LIZA Well, Mom, that's really nice, but right now I need to sleep excessively. Like, for a week. All right, can you please deliver the pizza to my bedroom? Thank you. LIZA Wow, if she was okay with a sex change, maybe this won't be such a big deal. KELSEY So I'm about to pitch a book at morning meeting. And I need your opinion. LIZA Sure. KELSEY It's a Tumblr that's being shopped around. And... You got to tell me if you think I'm crazy. KELSEY What do you think? LIZA Uh...so many things. KELSEY Come on. LIZA Wha-- Oh, my God. KELSEY It's one of the most popular Tumblrs out there, written by a woman who's a freelance writer at "Jezebel." WOMAN Oh... DIANA Excuse me. How exactly is this a book? It's pornographic Internet nonsense. KELSEY I mean, I wouldn't exactly classify oral sex as pornography unless you're trying to throw us back to the "Let's ban 'Lolita'" era. DIANA It's a list. It's not literature. KELSEY I agree, but it is a fun, silly book that will sell to a young audience, which is what we're after. Liza? LIZA Uh, yes. I mean, it's like, uh, "Goodnight Moon" for adults... With blowjobs. KELSEY Yes. DIANA Charles? CHARLES I'd at least like to see some more positive thoughts. KELSEY Oh, of course. Um... Number 69. CHARLES Okay, that's a start. DIANA You're not seriously entertaining this? CHARLES Well, it is entertaining, but I'm not sure I can see it in the place that J.D. Salinger once called home. DIANA Oh, thank God. Will I see you at the Bobby Flay meeting this afternoon? He's shopping his new cookbook. I think it's important you say hello. CHARLES Damn, I forgot to mention Bobby wanted to move the meeting to his restaurant. Um, can you make that dinner tonight? DIANA Um...I will have to check my calendar. Probably have to rearrange a bunch of things, but... Mm-hmm. CHARLES Thank you. DIANA Liza, get in here, and shut the door. LIZA Is something wrong? DIANA Charles just asked me to dinner. LIZA He did? DIANA Yes, at Bobby Flay's restaurant. We're going to meet him about his new cookbook. LIZA Oh, so it's a business dinner. DIANA Are you suggesting I think it's something more? LIZA Of course not. DIANA I need you to download the menu and wine and cocktail list, and make sure the barman knows how to make a dry negroni. LIZA Absolutely. DIANA And call Davide at Barney's. He has my sizes. I need something simple and stunning. LIZA Calling. DIANA I'm gonna show him what a perfect power couple we can be. CHARLES Nice try in there. I just don't think it's Empirical. KELSEY I don't think you realize how commercial this is. CHARLES Swing and a miss. Just, uh, just keep looking for the next Bjornberg. MAGGIE So a brunello de montalcino is aged at least four years, where a rosso de montalcino is much younger and cheaper. CAITLIN I think I like the rosso better. PADMA Are you in the wine business? MAGGIE No, I just drink a lot of it. LIZA Okay, who's over 21 here? MICHAELA Hi, Mrs. Miller. CAITLIN Hi, Mom. MAGGIE We're not drinking. We're just having a wine tasting. LIZA Mm, Caitlin, why didn't you tell me Padma and Michaela were coming for dinner? CAITLIN Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to cook. We're going out. PADMA We missed our girl. We drove in from New Jersey to surprise her. LIZA Where are you guys gonna go? CAITLIN Uh, we're meeting some of Michaela's friends from N Y U. Are you ready? MICHAELA Yeah. CAITLIN Yeah. Okay. Love you, Mom. LIZA Love you too. MICHAELA Thanks for the wine tasting. CAITLIN We won't be out too late. MAGGIE Nice to meet you. PADMA We love your art. LIZA Thank you. CAITLIN Bye, Maggie. MAGGIE Ciao. LIZA Be safe. MAGGIE Ugh, so cute. LIZA Okay, what just happened there? MAGGIE Uh, that's your daughter having a life. I suggest you do the same. LIZA Wh--excuse me? MAGGIE Go see Josh. You got to grab your moments while you can. LIZA Ugh, I think I should give him more time. MAGGIE Time to do what? Go meet somebody else? LIZA That might be for the best. I mean, I--I worry that I really may not be the person that he fell in love with MAGGIE Liza, don't reject yourself. Okay? JOSH Dude, come on. GABE No, dude, just wait— JOSH Ooh. GABE Ah! JOSH All right, stop. Stop. GABE Nope. Nope. Not mid-mission. JOSH Dude! JOSH Ah, it's Liza. GABE What? JOSH She wants to do something tonight. GABE No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The answer is no. JOSH Dude, what is your problem? GABE Wha--are you kidding me? She's a nut job. She should be locked up in some sort of cougar prison. JOSH Dude, that is-- That's not true. GABE Come on, man. She stepped on your heart. She destroyed your soul. She's a sexual grifter. JOSH Will you just give me my phone back? GABE Fine... but don't expect me to be around to pick up the pieces. GABE Can I eat the dumplings? LIZA Okay, I'm getting the three dots. Will someone please explain the dots to me? MAGGIE I think the dots are when someone's typing or thinking. LIZA Okay, now the dots went away. There's nothing. MAGGIE Oh, the dots can be very fickle. LIZA They're back. Yes! East River Bar at 9:00. Oh, I don't know. What if Caitlin comes home? MAGGIE Hm, don't worry. I'll keep her distracted. Nobody cock blocks mama. JERROD Hey, what's going on? LIZA Oh, um, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend. JERROD No worries. Mind if I wait with you? LIZA Uh, sure, but you might just have to get up when he gets here. JERROD He's not gonna, like, beat me up if he sees me talking to you, right? LIZA I don't think so, but... JERROD You looked lonely. Why are you so shy? LIZA I'm not shy. JERROD Yeah, you are. Sitting here by yourself like a little introvert. I bet people think that you're snobby, but you're really just quiet, right? LIZA Mm, you nailed me. JERROD Yeah. I like quiet girls. You know, quiet's the new sexy. LIZA Mm. JERROD So why don't you come out of that hard shell and tell me what else I should know about you? LIZA My daughter just came home from college, and I'm in my 40s. JERROD I saw my friends, so... I got to go, but take it easy. DIANA How is your habanero-glazed yellowtail? CHARLES Delicious, I think this is the first time that a client's ever wined and dined me. DIANA We need to sign more chefs. CHARLES Yeah, we do. I actually, don't know if you're aware of the statistics, but the sale of physical cookbooks-- Stronger than ever. DIANA Of course. CHARLES Yeah, it's a real bright spot out there. That's why it's worth the effort to sign Flay. DIANA I think he's gonna find the combination of us as a team hard to resist. CHARLES Yeah. That and the money. DIANA Do you ever cook for yourself, Charles? CHARLES Uh, no, not in the city, but I love to barbecue at the house in Pound Ridge. How about you? DIANA Oh, sure, yeah. I like to bake, grill, spit roast. Show me a nice piece of meat, I can't keep my hands off it. You should invite me up to Pound Ridge sometime. I'll show you what I mean. CHARLES Uh— MAN Peppercorn shrimp. DIANA Oh, that looks wonderful. CHARLES Delicious. DIANA Mm--oh. Um, Charles, I just want to say, regardless of what happens with Bobby, it has been so nice spending quality time with you. CHARLES Diana, I think you have a-- one of your, um... You have a little bit of, um— BOBBY Hey, guys. DIANA Oh. BOBBY Sorry I kept you waiting. How's dinner? DIANA Oh, simply sensational. You are a genius. CHARLES I was just telling Diana what an enormous fan I am of yours, Bobby. "Boy Meets Grill" is my Bible. DIANA Oh. Oh, my God. BOBBY Yeah, you chipped your tooth. Didn't you? Yeah, on a peppercorn? My peppercorn shrimp? DIANA You know, I have weak teeth. It's, um, my family's from England, on my mother's side. BOBBY Yeah, I--you know what. Actually, I know a dentist. She works in midtown. She works nights. I'm gonna go call her right now. CHARLES Bobby, you--Bobby. DIANA That's not necessary. I'm... so sorry. LIZA Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm saving this seat. DORA Can my ass save it for you? LIZA Uh... actually, uh, my boyfriend, he's on his way. He'll be here any minute. DORA Don't be such a bitch. LIZA I'm not being a bitch. DIANA Charles, it's very nice of you to come with me. It's really not necessary. CHARLES It's not a problem. I just want to make sure that someone's here. DIANA Such a gentleman. I feel like a toothless Cinderella. DR SARKISIAN Hello. DIANA Dr., uh, Sarkisian? DR SARKISIAN Yes. Please, come in. Is this okay? DIANA I'm--it's fine. I really have no gag reflex. DR SARKISIAN Okay, open. What did you try to do? Crack a walnut? Your wife did some damage here. CHARLES Uh, no, no, no, no. Um, not my wife, a business associate. We were having a business dinner. DR SARKISIAN Oh, I was wondering where that ring was. CHARLES Nope, single. DR SARKISIAN Same here. It's not easy to date when you work late nights. CHARLES Well, I'm sure there are lots of men who wouldn't mind waiting up for you, Dr. Sarkisian. DR SARKISIAN Unless they happen to wander into my office with a dental emergency, I'm not meeting them, and it's Lisa. CHARLES Charles. DIANA Yeah, it's re— DR SARKISIAN Please. Keep still. LIZA I just can't believe it. I knew he couldn't handle my age, but what kind of a person stands someone up and breaks up with them with a text? How about telling me you can't make it work before I get a beer spilled all over me by a bunch of drunk mean girls? MAGGIE Look, he's in his 20s. He's not so mature, and he can't process all of his emotions. You knew that was the risk in telling him the truth. LIZA Yeah, but I had to tell him. And you know what, maybe I deserved that tonight. LIZA Besides, it's one less thing I have to explain to Caitlin--who, by the way, I should never have let go out tonight by herself. MAGGIE Uh, she just spent the past six months in India. I'm pretty sure she can manage Brooklyn. LIZA Yeah, I'm gonna wait up for her. MAGGIE Muah. I'm sorry, it'll all feel better in the morning. LIZA Mm, it's fine. It's time to move on. MAGGIE Night. LIZA Ugh. LIZA How was dinner last night? DIANA About as enjoyable as a root canal. LIZA Oh, I'm sorry. How was the food? DIANA Stop grilling me, Liza! LIZA Hello, Diana Trout's office. It's a Dr. Sarkisian for you? DIANA Hello? DR SARKISIAN Diana, it's Dr. Sarkisian. I'm just checking in on you. How is that temp holding up? DIANA It seems fine so far. Thank you for your call. DR SARKISIAN Of course. My patients are like family to me. Just remember to eat soft foods for the next few days. DIANA I won't forget. Now, if you'll excuse me, I— DR SARKISIAN Can I ask you a favor? DIANA Of course. DR SARKISIAN Would you mind transferring me to Charles? DIANA Liza, transfer this call to Time Warner Cable customer service. Charles. CHARLES We got the book. DIANA What? CHARLES I think that Bobby felt so bad about everything, he's signing with us. DIANA What a night. CHARLES Good job, tooth. DIANA Good job...tooth. KELSEY Damn it. LIZA Is everything okay? KELSEY "100 Things Women Think About While Giving Blowjobs" just sold to Little Brown. LIZA You've got good instincts. KELSEY Yeah, but I hate to lose. LIZA I know the feeling. I think I lost last night. KELSEY What? Josh? LIZA Mm. KELSEY Off again? LIZA Stood me up at a bar and broke up with me with a text. KELSEY That's really lame. LIZA It's okay. KELSEY On again, off again. Classic. It's all gonna get better in our 30s. LIZA Yeah... CAITLIN So the green one, I think, would be perfect on my mom. Right? MAGGIE Oh, she's gonna love that. LIZA Hey. CAITLIN Mom! Sorry I missed you last night. You were asleep when I got home. LIZA Yeah, you guys definitely got back late. Did you have fun? CAITLIN Oh, the best time. LIZA What is it you wanted to show me? CAITLIN Oh, okay. Are you ready? LIZA Yes. CAITLIN Ta-da. CAITLIN It's "namaste" in Sanskrit, to commemorate my time in India. Isn't it gorgeous? What do you think? LIZA Where did you get that? CAITLIN Ugh, from the hottest guy. He owns this place called, um...Inkburg. Just a couple blocks from here. LIZA Did you see this? MAGGIE Oh, yeah. Mm. CAITLIN Are you mad? Please don't be mad. LIZA Uh, not at you. Excuse me. CAITLIN Mom, where are you going? Mom, you can't just go yell at the tattoo guy. JOSH Hey, you. You okay? LIZA No, I am not okay. JOSH Whoa... LIZA You gave my daughter a tattoo last night. JOSH What're you talking about? LIZA Namaste. JOSH Oh, my-- Oh, my God. I--I did not know that that was your daughter. I--there were four girls. They all came in here at the same time. I--I had no idea. LIZA Yep, right on the side boob in Sanskrit. JOSH Yeah. LIZA Marked for life. LIZA Thank you very much. And then you stood me up at a bar and broke with me with a text, which I guess I deserve, but it still made me feel like crap. JOSH Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't stand you up, and I definitely didn't break up with you. LIZA Oh, no? Sorry, can't make it work. JOSH Babe... Uh, it's, "Sorry. Can't make it. Work." You know, on account of the four girls that just barged into my shop. LIZA Have you ever heard of punctuation? I mean, I thought the meaning was pretty obvious. LIZA Well, not at the time. JOSH Yeah, I see that. LIZA So you didn't mean to break up with me? JOSH No. LIZA Good, 'cause I was really sad thinking that's what happened. JOSH Oh... I'm sorry... about everything. JOSH Is there any chance I can try and make it up to you? LIZA I only have time for a quickie apology. JOSH Mm. Quickies are my specialty.