ALL ANGRY_MP CORPORAL_CHUBOWSKI DAD DERRICK ENTIRE_PLATOON FEMALE_OFFICER FEMALE_PRIVATE JILL MALE_DRINKER_1 MALE_DRINKER_2 MALE_PRIVATE MALE_SOLDIER MAN MOM OFFICER PETE PRIVATE PRIVATE_DOBKISS PRIVATE_HUGGINS PRIVATE_PARK PRIVATE_ROBINSON PRIVATE_SWAGGLE RANDY SGT_MAJOR_CODY SOLDIERS THE_CLAYMORE WALLACE YOUNG_DERRICK YOUNG_PETE YOUNG_RANDY DAD Take care of your brothers, okay? YOUNG PETE Yes, sir. YOUNG DERRICK Bye. YOUNG RANDY Bring me back something. DAD Okay. Hands on heads. PETE Check out these pictures. These are my brothers. Real nice guys. PRIVATE I love that you're opening up to me, but I'm freaking out here! PETE Relax, bro, I got this. Yeah, we're being shot at real bad. We'd love some backup. MAN Negative. Command can't access your info, 'cause the system's down. PETE You're telling me we're screwed because your computer crashed? MAN Say again? PETE Idiots. Hey, any of you fellas got a pc? That was dumb. All right, which one of you idiots denied my backup? Oh, shoot, you're old. Like Larry King in camo. I can't punch Larry King. OFFICER I'm also a colonel. You signed on to get shot at, so get out of my face, candy-ass. PETE Huh. Maybe I can punch Larry King. Suddenly, I'm thinking consequences. FEMALE OFFICER Way to go, dumbass. You lost a rank and got booted stateside, some Rear detachment unit in Florida. PETE Rear d? Those guys aren't even real soldiers. All they do is wash tanks and mow lawns. My brothers are in Rear d. Wait a second. Florida? Oh, hell, no. DERRICK This is so stupid. We look like a couple of groupies at a One Direction concert. Thank God I talked you out of flowers. RANDY You didn't. I got him some carnations. They're man flowers. DERRICK There's no such thing as man flowers. RANDY Yeah, there are. DERRICK Is that glitter? RANDY Yeah, he just got back from war, so yeah, it's glitter. Hold this. Wow. Hey, brother. PETE Hey, Randy. DERRICK What's up, less handsome brother? How's Uncle Sam's favorite nephew? PETE Oh, cool, you're still a dick. RANDY Here we go, boys. DERRICK Randy, stop. You know I hate that. RANDY No, no. Hand-head is how we've said "I love you" since we were kids, so give me this, because we haven't been together in a year and I'm happy Pete didn't get blown up. PETE Well, I almost got blown up. RANDY But you were never scared, right? I mean, I was scared for you, but I'd think about you not being scared, and then I wouldn't be so scared anymore. DERRICK There's been a lot of this. PETE Okay. Randy? RANDY Uh-huh? PETE People were shooting at me every day. Of course I was scared. I shouldn't have said that. RANDY Now I have to reevaluate how I felt. Yeah, I'm actually getting really scared again. DERRICK No, no, you can't retroactively be scared. The human body doesn't work that way. RANDY Mine does, okay? It's coming in a wave. PETE I've literally been home a minute, I already broke Randy. Come here, buddy. Here you go. RANDY Hand-head. PETE Yeah. RANDY Upswing. Thanks, Pete. PETE Feel better? RANDY So much better. PETE Yeah. RANDY I got him. PETE Oh, you don't want some of this? DERRICK Nope. RANDY Oh, come here, man. SGT MAJOR CODY I served with your father for half my life. When he died, I swore I'd look after you and your brothers. PETE Aw... SGT MAJOR CODY Don't "aw," damn it! You were the only Hill brother that wasn't a screw up. Derrick's got no respect, hates being a soldier. ANGRY MP Where's my motorcycle, boy?! DERRICK Come on, where could I hide a bright yellow motorcycle? It was in the tree. SGT MAJOR CODY And Randy loves being a soldier. RANDY I can aim by sight alone. SGT MAJOR CODY Which is too bad. RANDY Boo-ya! Do I have to pay for that? PETE When do you get to the part about them being screwups? SGT MAJOR CODY Shut up. I didn't lose a foot in a land mine to hear you talk junk. PETE Have we ever talked without you bringing up your fake foot? SGT MAJOR CODY When your foot gets blown off, you can bring it up whenever you like. PETE You get it's weird it's a white guy's foot. SGT MAJOR CODY My size only comes in white. PETE Okay, I can't be stuck in Rear d. It's for the guys who can't cut it. SGT MAJOR CODY I'm in Rear d. PETE Let me back up. SGT MAJOR CODY Rear d maintains the base and supports the families of deployed soldiers. It's an important job. PETE Totally agree. Now, how do I get out of it? SGT MAJOR CODY You don't. PETE I'm being wasted here! This is insane! SGT MAJOR CODY How did it go from him yelling at me? I'm yelling at him. PETE This is me we're talking about, all right? 3.5 million taxpayer dollars went into training the specimen you see before you. SGT MAJOR CODY Specimen? PETE In Afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps. I caught a grenade and threw it back at the guy. You want to know who killed Bin Laden? Okay, it wasn't me, but it was a guy very much like me. SGT MAJOR CODY This is a little bell I ring when someone's being a total ass. PETE I'm just trying to make a point. SGT MAJOR CODY Oh, I get your point. You're Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Van Damme in Expendables 2. PETE Is that really the Van Damme movie you're gonna go with? You got Timecop, Kickboxer... SGT MAJOR CODY Your mission is here. You got war games coming up with an Italian platoon. PETE That is more like it. SGT MAJOR CODY More important, you gotta find this dog asap. PETE That is way less like it. Come on. SGT MAJOR CODY Name's Bogie. Belongs to one of the families on the base. And this... is his favorite toy. RANDY Come on, Pete, we're giving you a tour of the base! DERRICK Stop banging on the window, idiot. RANDY Come on, I'm gonna show you where we eat. DERRICK Do you ever not shout? PETE Can I please go back to war? This is the opposite of an Army commercial. RANDY Yeah, son! I don't know why I said that so excited, but it's pretty cool we're here together, right? PETE Uh, that's a complicated answer, buddy. DERRICK Yeah. I too am thrilled, Pete. I mean, to think just yesterday I was washing a tank without getting your take on it. RANDY Dude, the only thing that stinks is that we never get to drive these babies. Someday. DERRICK I doubt it. RANDY That should've been bolted on. JILL Private Sanchez. You too busy listening to awful music to fix your Humvee, like I asked? How many push-ups should he do, guys? 25? Do we have 50? A hundie? PETE How about 1,000? JILL What...? 1,000? Well, that's just insane. JILL 150, and thank you for getting "me gusta that booty" stuck in my head. All right, go. Hi there. I am Sergeant Perez. PETE Well, hello there. RANDY I know it seems like she's being nice, but she hates us and she's about to say something mean. PETE No. JILL I head up the other Rear d unit here... the one not full of rejects and mental patients. DERRICK Spot on, Sergeant. PETE So mean, man. RANDY Yeah. Yeah, mean. DERRICK Very well done. JILL Look, if Cody wants you three idiots here, it's fine with me. Just keep your unit out of my unit's way. RANDY "Unit." JILL See, my platoon is full of bright, dedicated soldiers. PETE I'll put my privates up against your privates any old day. RANDY Seriously? PETE That was my fault. I'm sorry. DERRICK I'm not a huge fan of double entendres, but this has been a fun exchange. PETE Point is, I'm a dedicated soldier. JILL Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? PETE Uh, it's actually in my shoulder. It's from a grenade hurts when it rains. Also when I move my arm in any direction. RANDY Ah... JILL Wow. Well... I think there's something here. PETE I'm feeling it. JILL There's not. Sanchez, you can have a little music. Here you go. PETE Boy, that never happens. RANDY That's never happened as far as I know. DERRICK Let's go meet your platoon, huh? PETE These guys? ENTIRE PLATOON Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! PETE Did he say "Bradley Cooper"? RANDY I don't want to kill Bradley Cooper. It's just a rhythm thing. ENTIRE PLATOON Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! RANDY Yah! RANDY Bradley Cooper! Bradley Cooper! PETE What is he... what are you doing? RANDY Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper... DERRICK He's actually gotten much better. RANDY Do I have to pay for that? PETE I am so screwed. MALE SOLDIER I've killed Bradley Cooper. PETE Good morning. I'm Sergeant Hill. RANDY Yeah! Pete Hill in the house! DERRICK Stop being his hype man. RANDY He just got back from war, and he's nervous. PETE In Afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps. If anyone can make you real soldiers, it's me. Now, to start with, this unit doesn't even have a motto. RANDY A motto embodies the spirit of the unit! DERRICK Shh. PRIVATE HUGGINS Ooh, how about, "Give me back those cds you borrowed, Brian." PETE That's not a motto. PRIVATE HUGGINS; But it does need to be said. PETE Let's talk about your appearance. Now, we've got a weight issue in this general area here. CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI We do. PRIVATE HUGGINS Yeah, we do! PETE Stop. Stop that. What's your name? CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Corporal George Chubowski. PETE Chubowski? Wow. Okay, you can't change. It'd be weird if you weren't big. RANDY No one likes an ironic name! DERRICK For the love of all things holy, shut up, Randy! PRIVATE ROBINSON Inside voice, boo-boo. PETE Listen up! Our mission is to find a dog. But we can skip that, unless that dog has been trained by the Taliban at a doggie Madrasa. PRIVATE ROBINSON Hmm? PETE It's an Arabic learning institution. You know what? Never mind. What we're gonna do instead is focus on war games, which is way cooler than looking for a dog. Now, let's go find a great soldier inside of each one of you. JILL ...two, three. SOLDIERS Seven! JILL One, two, three. SOLDIERS Eight! JILL One, two, three. SOLDIERS One! PETE I don't even know what that is. SOLDIERS Three! JILL One, two, three. SOLDIERS Four! JILL One, two, three. SOLDIERS Five! JILL One, two, three! SOLDIERS Six! RANDY Why you throwing elbows, Cindy?! PRIVATE PARK I'm going through a divorce! PRIVATE DOBKISS Let's go! CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI I don't need your help! PRIVATE DOBKISS Your back's like memory foam! CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Your hand's inside of me. PETE Dear God. How does that even happen? PRIVATE SWAGGLE Actually, this is the furthest I've gotten. PETE Of course it is. PRIVATE SWAGGLE A little help. PETE So it turns out there was not a great soldier inside of each of you. Except for Park, who I'm now afraid of. PRIVATE PARK Thank you. WALLACE 'Sup, grunts? You Pete? PETE I'm Sergeant Hill. WALLACE Oh... I don't have to do that. RANDY That's Wallace. He's a civilian contractor from the Washington, District of Columbia. DERRICK You don't have to say the whole thing. RANDY I do, out of respect. PETE dc, Randy. WALLACE I manage the big money operations around here, brah. I coord, I liase. PETE Wow. I've never disliked somebody so quickly before. It's exhilarating. RANDY It's Columbia. DERRICK I hate him more than you. WALLACE I also set up the war games, and the... the Italians, they don't like losing. PETE Those guys are stunning. PRIVATE PARK Hi! CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Hey. How you doing? PRIVATE PARK I love you. WALLACE Later, goon platoon. PETE I am not gonna lose to that douche and those hairless bastards. DERRICK Great speech, Patton. PETE You just got yourself an hour looking for the dog. DERRICK What? You said that was a stupid idea, and for once I agreed with you. PETE Two hours. Dobkiss! PETE Stop poking him with a stick. RANDY Why? THE CLAYMORE RANDY Yeah! First beer together in a year! PETE So, did you find Bogie? DERRICK No, I didn't, but I found a basset hound named Reggie. We solved some crimes together. RANDY Are you serious? DERRICK No. Look, you can be our boss during the day, okay? But at night, let's just be three brothers having a drink. Please? RANDY Mm-hmm! PETE Yeah. RANDY That reminds me, we went to Medieval Times for my birthday. It was so badass. DERRICK It was so embarrassing, but still... RANDY Cheers to it. No, it wasn't. DERRICK We would've told you about it if you'd ever contacted us. PETE I remember his birthday. I was in Afghanistan. DERRICK Oh, where? Afghanistan? Am I... am I saying it right? RANDY Yeah, that's right. PETE Anyway, this ied blew up a bad guy. His socks were hanging on the telephone wire. Blown clean off. RANDY Oh, boy. Here comes the wave again, guys. Sorry to ruin our first... Upswing. PETE Okay. RANDY Oh, hand-head... DERRICK All right, well, this isn't weird. I'm gonna go watch, uh, The Hurt Locker to cheer myself up. PETE I gotta go, too. RANDY Booty calls. It's a play on "duty calls," but with "booty." PETE Yeah, Randy, I got it. Yeah. RANDY You got it? I knew you'd get that. JILL Doesn't mean anything. This is the only open seat, so... PETE You sure you don't want to go sit with them? MALE DRINKER 1 How much to drink all the wax in this candle? MALE DRINKER 2 Yes, I have ten dollars on that. JILL I'm good. Look, I, um... I'm sorry... about earlier. It's just that I worked really hard to get to a position that was basically handed to you as a consolation prize. PETE Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? JILL Yes. PETE Big old nacho chip. JILL Wh-What now? PETE Wow, I shouldn't have said that. It's not because you're Hispanic. I-I thought it was gonna be funny, but it just came out hateful. JILL Want to keep... keep going? PETE Stop talking. JILL I'll wait. PETE I don't belong here. JILL You want to know why I keep doing it? Because I love being a soldier. Cheers. PETE Cheers. DERRICK All right, I got 30 shots of the worst tequila in the house. Who's with me? Oh! PETE Hey! Chill with the drinking. You got to be up at 6.00 a.m. DERRICK Oh, my God, stop acting like my boss all the time. Hey, Randy, can you believe him? Randy can't believe you. Hey, I-I got an idea. Listen. Let's run the flag, all right? Every time my brother's a huge buzz kill, let's do a shot. PETE I'm just being an adult. DERRICK Red, halt! PETE You're gonna regret this. DERRICK White! PETE I could drink you all under the table. I am just choosing not to! DERRICK Blue! This is the face of a proud American soldier. PETE Come on, guys! We got to get serious. If you're gonna be a bear, be a what? PRIVATE ROBINSON Ooh, a panda bear. PETE No, you're supposed to say grizzly. CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Pandas are very powerful. They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth. PETE The point is be the strongest bear. CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI With all due respect, pandas are very powerful. They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth. PETE Right, I get that. PRIVATE HUGGINS Panda's my spirit animal. PRIVATE SWAGGLE Does it have to be a bear? PRIVATE PARK Can it be a kitty? MALE PRIVATE It should be a scorpion with two tails. PRIVATE ROBINSON What about three tails? MALE PRIVATE That's stupid. PETE Oh, God. Hey! Where the hell are you going? DERRICK To bed. I'm hungover. PETE Get back in line, soldier! DERRICK This isn't Afghanistan. We're in Florida, okay? This is Rear d. We suck. Hey, guys, that could be our motto. ALL We suck! Hooah! PRIVATE PARK Bradley Cooper! RANDY Not now, Cindy! That was very good though. Guys, let's just knock off the negativity, please! Even if we do suck. And, Derrick, support your brother. DERRICK Why? Look, he's just here to get his stripe back so he can leave again. PETE Maybe I am! Because maybe I'm better than this. What, I should just stick around turn into a drunk with no future? RANDY Now you knock off the negativity. God, this is getting so negative! DERRICK Hey, Pete just cares about Pete, okay? Why do you think we never heard from him when he was overseas? PETE I'm sorry I was too busy getting shot at every day to worry about Randy's stupid birthday! DERRICK Well, I'm sorry I'm a giant screwup and Randy turned into the worst soldier in the history of the army! DERRICK Ow! PETE Hey! RANDY One large guillotine coming up, homeboy! I'm gonna rear naked choke you right now! PETE Stop using with the stupid mma terms! RANDY Never! You said you didn't care about my birthday! Rear naked choke hold! DERRICK Gonna get you in your sleep. RANDY You're rear naked choking me! Ooh! SGT MAJOR CODY Why are you punching their faces, Pete? Don't punch their faces! RANDY To be honest, Uncle Sergeant Major Cody, it all started when Pete said he was stronger than a panda bear. SGT MAJOR CODY What? PETE I never said I was stronger than a panda bear. DERRICK You're not. PETE I mean, sure, I could probably choke out a baby panda. RANDY Why would you do that? It's a baby! DERRICK Choking out a baby panda. RANDY The fur is so soft and supple. SGT MAJOR CODY Get out. Get out! Not you, Pete. We got to talk. PETE What, are you gonna hit me with that? SGT MAJOR CODY Oh, no, this is for my daughter's boyfriend, Da'Quan. I don't trust boys with apostrophes in their names. He's gonna pull up in my driveway, and I'm gonna turn his little ass around. Got pretty banged up over there, huh? PETE Nah, let me see, uh... Concussion, shrapnel in my back, busted wrist, but still... I just... I feel guilty I'm not over there. SGT MAJOR CODY I know, son. But taking care of the people left behind is important. Oh, sure, sometimes we find lost dogs. But if someone falls, it's our job to tell the family. Soldiers who do our job showed up at your house once. Your father was a good man. PETE Yeah, he was. SGT MAJOR CODY So start acting like him. Your troops need to know that you're one of them. Your brothers, too. Oh, hell no. Take your ass back to Kinko's, you 20-year-old bastard! I love being a dad. PETE What's up with him? DERRICK He felt bad about letting you down, so he did an hour of jumping jacks. I don't know if you've ever seen a grown man cry while doing jumping jacks. It sounds funny; it's just sad. PETE All right, look. I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. I guess I thought about what could happen, like with Dad, and figured if I was distant it would be easier on you guys. I was wrong. DERRICK Yeah, well, it felt like you didn't need us, you dick. You know, I mean, we're all we've got, so... PETE Okay, this is way too heavy for Randy to hear, but, uh... you want to know how much I needed you guys? You see these? I put these on here. And whenever I felt like I wasn't gonna make it, I'd look at them. So you guys would be the last thing that I see. DERRICK You're right. That's way too heavy for Randy. RANDY I'm sorry I disappointed you, Pete. PETE Oh, God, that's even sadder than you said. DERRICK Well actually now-now it is kind of funny. PETE Everyone just relax. That's too much. Now, I owe you guys an apology. I've been acting like I'm the only winner in the middle of a bunch of losers. Well, guess what? I am a loser, too. RANDY Thought he was going the other way with that. PETE I'm just like you guys are. A letdown. A disappointment to everyone I know. PRIVATE HUGGINS This is a terrible apology. PETE But we don't have to be losers. Do you really want to lose to that guy? We can beat them. Who do you see when you look in the mirror? PRIVATE PARK Daffy Duck. I have a picture of him taped to my mirror. PETE Okay, what-what do you see next to Daffy Duck? PRIVATE PARK Ryan Gosling. And next to him, it's another picture of Ryan Gosling but in this one he's got two kittens. PETE You see you! You, Chubowski, all of us, we're all soldiers in the Army of the United States. Who cares if we're the ones that nobody else wants? We don't need them. We have each other now. We're here together. We'll train together, we'll fight together. And we'll take care of each other. We're all we've got. We're brothers. RANDY I wish we had a motto to shout. DERRICK We do. We're brothers. ALL We are brothers! PETE Who are we? ALL We are brothers! PETE Who are we? ALL We are brothers! PETE Who are we? ALL We are brothers! PETE Let's go kick some ass! ALL Yeah! WALLACE This should take the Italians about five minutes. What the hell is that? RANDY This is the best day of my life! Yeah! PETE Move, move, move, move, move! Come on, guys, just like we practiced. PRIVATE HUGGINS Okay, good shot. JILL We too late for the fun? PETE What are you doing here? JILL I told you, I love being a soldier. Plus it's always fun seeing Wallace freak out. WALLACE I am so texting the general. PETE All right, let's do this. JILL Let's do this. PETE Take the wall, Chubowski! CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Go! WALLACE Where's my golf cart? PRIVATE ROBINSON Aw, man. FEMALE PRIVATE Darn it. PRIVATE ROBINSON I want my money back. FEMALE PRIVATE It was... We had a whole, really cool Boyz n the Hood thing. PRIVATE ROBINSON No, we did not... FEMALE PRIVATE Yeah, we did. PRIVATE ROBINSON We're not boys and we're not in the hood. PETE We're actually gonna win this thing. What do you got, brother? DERRICK I'm seeing a dog. PETE What? It's frigging Bogie. We can't go get him without the Italians taking us out. RANDY What are we gonna do, brother? WALLACE Come on, Italians. Beat these losers. RANDY Pete. Pete? PETE Form up and follow me. JILL What? PETE Here, Bogie. JILL Maybe they'll give us a time out. PETE Here, Bogie... JILL Please! RANDY Stop, Italians, we're being noble! Aw! Medic! WALLACE Yes! JILL This is so lame, man. DERRICK I know, we were about to win. JILL I can't believe I came to help and everything and you pulled this. Oh, my God! He's so cute! WALLACE Wow! Whoa! Choosing a dog over victory. Way to go, rear dummies. PETE Okay, that's it. PRIVATE PARK I got your back, Sarge. Bradley Cooper! Ooh! PETE Oh, way better than a punch. DERRICK Really nice work. RANDY Such a good soldier. PETE So precise, Cindy. PRIVATE PARK Thank you. PETE Okay. Let's go give this guy back. Come on. CORPORAL CHUBOWSKI Guys! MOM Bogie! Aw, thank you! Their dad's overseas and we miss him so much. Bogie reminds us of him. Thank you. PETE Well, this is what we do. RANDY You see? Those kids are like us. PETE We get it, Randy. DERRICK The image is very clear. RANDY 'Cause there's brothers And there's three of them. PETE Got it, buddy. DERRICK Thank you. SGT MAJOR CODY There you go. You did a good thing. You'll get to do a lot more good things like that. After you wash that tank. DERRICK Come on, the tank? PETE Really? RANDY It's our job. SGT MAJOR CODY Although it, uh... could be dirtier. RANDY Let's pop a wheelie! I'm okay, keep going.