CODY DAN DERRICK DOBKISS ERIN GUMBLE GUY MALE_COUNSELOR MALE_MARINE MAN MAN_2 PARK PATRICK PEREZ PETE RANDY ROBINSON RUIZ RUSSELL THE_SWEDE DERRICK Oh, this should end well. PETE Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! RANDY Dude, I am so pumped we got tomorrow off for Soldier Appreciation Day. Oh, I'm sorry. PETE Are we embarrassing you in front of your girlfriend? DERRICK No. Yes. And she's not my girlfriend all right? She just gave me her number. PETE Would you go talk to her? RANDY I don't get it, man. I thought that Erin liked you. DERRICK Yeah, but that's the whole point. If I go over there, I can only ruin it. PETE See? This is what you do all the time. Anything that involves risk, you just talk yourself out of. RANDY Oh, snap! You just got hit by Pete's Truth Beam, son! DERRICK I take plenty of risks, okay? PETE No, you don't. RANDY No, you don't. PETE Avoiding risk is how you ended up in the Army in the first place. You were too afraid to commit to anything that you actually liked, so you just joined the family business. RANDY Ah! The light from Pete's Truth Beam is so very bright! RANDY You know what? I'm gonna go over and talk to her, but when I get back, both of you better be dead from alcohol poisoning, okay? PETE You go get 'em, handsome. RANDY Roger that, baby. DERRICK Hi. Remember when you, uh, gave me your number then thought, "Oh, big mistake, I hope he loses that"? Well, guess what? I didn't. You want to get dinner tomorrow night? ERIN Um, my schedule's kind of tricky. Can I get back to you? DERRICK Cool beans. Why am I saying "cool beans"? Why am I talking about my talking? Is any of this charming? ERIN No. DOBKISS Derrick, check out me and my beer antlers! DERRICK I don't know these people. CODY The Army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us. We take care of things at home. We are the Rear Detachment. Yes, we're soldiers. So, you see the game last night? PETE What game? CODY Moving on from small talk. Look, I, uh, I know you've been working through some things since you got back from deployment. PETE Oh, boy, can we please not have a heavy talk on Soldier Appreciation Day? I'm-I'm wearing board shorts. CODY I told you to go talk to someone. They said you never showed up. PETE That stuff is great for people who need it, but I'm doing fine. CODY You don't want to talk to a counselor? You can talk to me. Hi, I'm a nice guy! Got any feelings? PETE Oh, God. Your nice guy is terrifying. Stop. CODY Well, maybe you'd like to talk to Foot-y, the fake foot puppet. PETE Please don't. CODY "Don't be a heel, tell me how you feel." PETE I'm gonna have to go talk to a counselor about this. CODY Look, the hour is yours, Sergeant Hill. Just get your butt there. PETE Fine, but I don't need it. Whatever I brought back, I can live with, all right? Now, can I please be dismissed so I can finally enjoy my day off? CODY Oh, about that. No. PETE Unbelievable. DERRICK We have to take these guys on a tour? CODY You're their hospitality detail. These are Korean War veterans. They were stationed on this post 60 years ago. They're here for a platoon-mate's funeral. ROBINSON Ready to hit the beach, Sergeant Major? CODY Private Gumble, you know I have shotgun. GUMBLE Yeah, just keeping it warm for you, Sergeant Major. PETE Why do they get to go to the beach? CODY It's Soldier Appreciation Day, duh. Look, you take care of these men. If they want to go to dinner at 430, you eat at 430. If they want to go to the bathroom, you make sure it happens in the bathroom. RANDY Permission to think a disrespectful word? CODY You have three seconds. After that, you gotta shake it off. RANDY Thank you, Sergeant Major. Full disclosure, the word was "balls." CODY These fellas will probably hit the rack early. If they do, you get to come to the bonfire. ROBINSON Don't worry, guys. We won't have that much fun. CODY Oh, this is my jam! RUIZ Shut the door! PATRICK Hey, where's the latrine? I gotta drain my crank. DERRICK At what age do you just start just wandering? PETE All right, we'll give 'em a quick tour, early bird dinner, they're in bed before "Final Jeopardy." DERRICK Hey, buddy, hold up. RANDY I'll take cane. PETE All right, I got hat. PATRICK Where do they keep the keys for these things? DERRICK Humvees don't use keys. They have a switch. PATRICK In Korea, we drove Jeeps. Because in Korea, we didn't need cushy seats. You know what I sat on in Korea? A big spring. DERRICK I'm sorry. Did you say were you in Korea? I didn't catch that. PATRICK In Korea, we punched guys like you in the mouth. DERRICK Okay. Okay. PETE Morning, sir. RUSSELL Oh, hey. I see you got the tires over here now. You know, 60 years ago, we had 'em, uh, over there. When'd you make the move? PETE I don't know. RUSSELL I want to take a picture of you and these capricious tires. What do you say when you want to smile? PETE What? RUSSELL Don't move! Yeah! RANDY So these are called elephant doors. Which actually brings me to another question in your day, did elephants come through here? DAN Yeah, I was in the 101st Pachyderm Division. RANDY Right! DAN Yeah. RANDY So, no, right? DAN So how do you open this? RANDY Really amazing. You just slide your Army card. Isn't that amazing? DAN What else is amazing? Like a cat crawling into a grocery bag, huh? RANDY Yeah. DAN That'd be amazing, huh? Tell me you sniff glue so I can understand your idiocy. RANDY Dan, sir, you seem kind of grumpy, so can I ask you a question? I mean no disrespect. DAN Mm. RANDY Do you have to poop? DAN Of course I have to poop. RUSSELL Uh, Sergeant Hill, would you take a picture of us in the Humvee? And make sure you're far enough back to get those mysterious moving tires in the shot. PETE Okay. Wow. This guy is 80 going on eight. DERRICK You want to trade? I've got an elderly narcissist with anger issues. RANDY Yeah, mine's a little prickly, but if I'm honest with myself, his criticisms are fair. PETE Knock if off. I'm gonna take the picture. DERRICK You got to wind the film, you idiot. Why are you doing that? PATRICK Let's do this! PETE Look out! PATRICK Yeah! RANDY God, they are gonna get in so much trouble! Wait. No! No! CODY You let a bunch of old vets steal a Humvee out from under your nose?! PETE He showed 'em how it works. DERRICK He was distracted by the camera. RANDY I was honestly impressed. It was very badass. CODY I was on the beach enjoying a party box of Chablis. Poor Sergeant Perez had to drive me home. PEREZ Doesn't Soldier Appreciation Day mean anything to you guys? DERRICK Oh, my God. RANDY Thank you for your service, Sergeant Perez. PEREZ It's my day off and I was really having a good time. I mean, I wish it wasn't such a sausage fest, but... CODY Oh, I disagree. The food was amazing! PEREZ No-No, Sergeant Major, that's... No. CODY I was just about to wrap my lips around a juicy, hot piece of meat when you idiots called! PEREZ Sergeant Major, excuse me. We need to have an immediate conversation about what a sausage fest is. PETE Yeah. CODY I know what a sausage fest is. That's when you line up the best wieners from all around the world and you go to town! PETE No. DERRICK That is absolutely incorrect. RANDY It can mean that. CODY Well, at least I didn't let a bunch of old men trick me into giving them a Hummer. DERRICK What are you doing? PETE Nothing. RANDY Oh, man, check out this video Gumble just posted. They finally did it... infinity beer. We're missing the best day ever! DERRICK Would you put that away and keep an eye out? These guys could be anywhere. RANDY Should we check in there? ERIN Hey. DERRICK Oh, boy. Look, I'll be over in a sec, all right? Don't touch me. PETE All right, fellas, let's go. RANDY Who's this beer for? Ow! PETE Really? RANDY His hands are mostly bone. PATRICK Sit your asses down! We're not going anywhere. RANDY Do it, Pete. Don't make him skeleton-spank you. ERIN Yeah, so remember how I said my schedule was, um, tricky? DERRICK I assumed there were several men in your life, so... ERIN Just one, actually. He's six. DERRICK Feet tall? ERIN He's my son. So I've got a kid! A six-year-old son. DERRICK Right! ERIN Just a little boy, he's six. DERRICK It's a six-year-old is what it is. ERIN Yeah, he, not "it." Yeah. You know what? If you want to take off, I totally get it. With most men, there's a cloud of dust at this point. DERRICK No. Uh, listen... My best friend was a six-year-old... ...when I was six. ERIN Mm-hmm. DERRICK He was also black, which is not important. But it might say something about me. Might not. ERIN Okay, um, as much as I want to hear about your progressive boyhood friendships, I should get back to work. DERRICK Right. ERIN I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you, so just... think about it. DERRICK Oh. ERIN But text me later if we're on for tomorrow night so I can book the sitter. DERRICK Um... ERIN Or not, you know. DERRICK No, no. Okay, okay. ERIN Okay. DERRICK Okay. Okay. ERIN Okay. DERRICK Okay. Okay! ERIN Okay, I don't know where this ends, so I'm just gonna take off. DERRICK Okay. ERIN Okay. DERRICK Okay. Erin has a kid. RANDY Well, Sully's dead! DERRICK What? PETE Sergeant John Sullivan... the man whose funeral they came for. RANDY They're not just here for the funeral or to have a ghost beer. May your soul rest, sire. I want to get back to Erin's situation at some point, but for now, we're gonna leave it to Patrick. You have the floor, sir. Continue. PATRICK Is he always like this? DERRICK Tip of the iceberg. PATRICK 60 years ago, something happened in this bar, something very wrong. And it's time to make it right. RANDY Let's ride! DERRICK Where, Randy? Where we gonna ride to? RANDY Specifics, please. DERRICK There you go. PATRICK You see those unit coins on the wall? That gap where one's missing? Sully earned his coin for bravery holding the perimeter at Pusan. He carried that coin with him for two tours. But one night, he got a little too friendly with the wrong Marine's girlfriend. The guy got po'd, but he didn't have the guts to tango with Sully, so he ripped his unit coin off the wall, put it between his butt cheeks, and took it to the Marine bar down the coast. That's where it's hung for the last 60 years. PETE I'm sorry... DERRICK Did you say he put it in between his butt cheeks? RANDY Did they not have pockets back then? PATRICK It's not an important detail. PETE No? DERRICK You did mention it. RANDY Was it a place of honor? DAN He defiled it. We have to get it back. PETE Do we, though? DERRICK How about a brand-new coin? RANDY Has it been washed? RUSSELL It was Sully's dying wish to get that coin back! PATRICK We didn't think you'd understand. PETE You see this? This belonged to our dad. He made me promise to give it back to him when he came home from the Gulf. I've been carrying it around ever since. DERRICK We were supposed to take turns carrying it. RANDY Never had a turn. PETE The point is, we do understand. And we're gonna help you get that coin back. PATRICK All right, we got ourselves... PETE Lock and load, baby. RANDY Let's do this! DERRICK Easy with the gung ho crap, guys. DAN What's with this gung ho? Come on. RUSSELL Gung ho! RANDY Gung ho! Hooah! PETE You know what? Why don't we switch seats? Yeah. DERRICK Do you mind if we switch? PETE Here, okay... DERRICK Okay. PETE Yeah. That's better. DERRICK Oh, this makes a lot more sense. RUSSELL Yeah. RANDY Let's ride! RUSSELL Two! Three! PETE This reminds me of Afghanistan. We had this one sergeant who only knew one song on the guitar. One night it mysteriously blew up in a training exercise I may have led. PATRICK Hmm. We had a harmonica guy in Korea. All day, every day, with that thing. I made him eat it. You ever hear a man pass a harmonica into a camp toilet? That's the sound of the blues. PETE Let me ask you something. When you first got home, were people pushing you to talk about your feelings and stuff? PATRICK My wife talks about her feelings enough for the both of us. I'm more of the strong, silent type. PETE Yeah. Yeah, me, too. DAN Ah... Sure feels good to sit. Feels good to lie down, too. I'm looking forward to death. DERRICK I like you. DAN You're going with a gal that's got a kid. Is that the story? DERRICK I'm actually still trying to figure it out. DAN Let me handle it with one word run! DERRICK I'm not gonna run... Maybe I should run. I'm gonna run. DAN It's tough enough to get one person to like you, but two? And with your personality? Forget it. DERRICK Right? It's like, why take the risk? DAN I can help you with a lot of stuff, kid. Here's a freebie never climb over a lit candle when you're getting out of the tub. DERRICK Thank you. RANDY I feel like I'm looking in a future mirror. RUSSELL I am a soldier, I'm a husband, I'm a brother, I'm a father, I'm a grandfather and... a shark aficionado. RANDY It's perfect. Except you wear hats. I'm not really a hat guy. What if that means you're not future me? Then who am I? Just a guy that hates hats? I don't want to be defined by hate. And especially hat hate! That's the worst kind of hate! RUSSELL You're spiraling, son. I do that, too. RUSSELL Name your favorite shark on the count of three. Great white! RANDY You never counted. PATRICK All right, we're almost there. Intel says that every other Saturday the Marines do field maneuvers, so there won't be any stinking jarheads in the joint. PETE I like it. PATRICK I just wish Sully were here. MALE MARINE Oo-rah! DERRICK Why, did Sully like getting his ass kicked? RANDY Marines... Even without their uniforms, they look cool. Damn... RUSSELL Damn... PATRICK Russell, you said these guys were off on a training exercise. RUSSELL Oh, that was last Saturday. Sorry, guys. Swiss cheese. PETE We need a new plan. DERRICK Well, let's just go to the beach and hang out with the other idiots. PARK Yeah! He's a freak! RUIZ He's an artist. GUMBLE And I'm America's favorite wiener boy! DERRICK If we leave now, we can be there in time to watch him puke. PATRICK I am not giving up. PETE Me, either. RANDY I got it. We'll get jobs at the hair salon next door. Okay? We'll work there for a long, long time. They'll call me Pepe, I'll be the best barber and trade haircuts for secrets. And I will get information and infiltrate their system. RUSSELL This kid makes a lot of sense. PETE You two, just... take five. RANDY I love this man. Except for that hat. RUSSELL What? RANDY Why do you have to wear a hat? Everything's so perfect except for your hat. RUSSELL Hey, hey, hey... RANDY No! RUSSELL No, look at me. See, now, you may not be a hat guy now, but if one day you need to wear one, I hope you'll be open to it. Ooh... RANDY Sorry, I just wanted to see if you were real. DERRICK Yeah, I think we're gonna go anywhere else. RANDY Sorry, sorry. RUSSELL That's all right. That's all right. RANDY Sorry, sorry, sorry... DERRICK "Haven't heard from you, so I guess we're not on for tonight. It's okay. I get it." DAN That's what you wanted. She just did the hard work for you. DERRICK Yeah, I guess. DAN You play your cards right, you'll be like me and you'll never get tied down. DERRICK So you don't have anyone back home? I got plenty of action right now. I've got a little thing going with a waitress at my diner. I sit at her station and she brings me coffee and pie. DERRICK So, she's... just your waitress. DAN No, well, she pays me special attention. Like, one time, she put down my pie and her left one bumped my shoulder. DERRICK Then why don't you just ask her out, you know? I mean, you never know, maybe her right one'll bump you, too. DAN Yeah, but then it could all go sideways and I end up with a banged-up heart and nowhere to eat pie. DERRICK Yeah, but then you're just living life trying not to get hurt. DAN What, do you like to get hurt? DERRICK No, but... DAN Well, then, why risk it? We're the smart ones. Not like those gonzos back there. They don't know when to quit. You should always be able to ask yourself, is it worth getting my ass kicked for this? Hey, well... hey... Where you going? Hey! PETE Wait, what are you doing? DERRICK Taking a risk. Any of you stupid jarheads know where an Army guy can get a beer around here? You know what Marine stands for? "Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential." I love that one. You're stupid, is what it means. PATRICK Sassmouth is making himself a decoy. PETE He's finally using his dick skills for good. PATRICK We got his back. You guys infiltrate and get the coin. RANDY This is a Marine truck. RUSSELL Private Hill... are you ready to be a hat guy? RANDY Yes, sir. DERRICK Marines? More like Mar-ron'ts Yeah, that was kind of a weak one, but I'm terrified right now. You know what's even more pathetic is the fact that I'm, like, half the size of one of y'all's biceps... RUSSELL Excuse me, kind sir. Can I have a Marine beer, as I am clearly a Marine? DERRICK Just like my grandmother used to say any time you see a Marine, you beat the... beep... out of them. She didn't cuss, 'cause she was a Christian woman. But you know what she meant. RANDY Hey. DERRICK So, uh, which one of you clowns is gonna take the first punch? DERRICK Okay, so, me then? PETE Get away from my brother! PATRICK Eat it, jarhead! GUY His old man hands are all bone! THE SWEDE Tryin' to steal the coin, oo-rah? RANDY No. Yeah, that's what you get for messing with a hat man, son! Ice it! Ice it! THE SWEDE Aah! RANDY I got the coin! Yeah! Come on! PETE Come on, come on, come on! Go! Go! Get in the Humvee! Go! PATRICK Ha! RUSSELL Hooah! RANDY Hooah! Best Soldier Appreciation Day ever! RUSSELL Ever! Sure is! DAN That was a bonehead move. But I'm proud of you. DERRICK I-I-I don't really know what I did. There's a big chunk of time missing. DAN Your cries for mercy got me thinking. Life is short. And maybe I should ask Janet for something more than just a piece of pie. DERRICK Huh. DAN Yeah. She's got a kid, too, though. That makes me a little nervous. He's 58. DERRICK Good for you. PATRICK Thanks, fella. PETE What are you giving this to me for? PATRICK I want you to put that in Sully's casket. PETE Don't you want to do it? PATRICK I'm not going to the funeral. PETE What?! After all this? I-I thought Sully was like a brother to you. PATRICK I came down here to complete the mission for him, but funerals... You see things in war... and funerals just dredge up all those memories. Some things you just learn to live with. CODY We are gathered here to celebrate the life of Sergeant John Sullivan. He defended this country and deserves to be honored the way he honored our country. Let us pause a moment to reflect upon a friend who is no longer with us. RANDY Watson, it's cold. I'm Russian, I like long stories. Sorry, forgot to pay. Swiss cheese. DERRICK You should see the other guys. Hi. I'm Derrick. MAN It's a lot better. I mean, best of all, every time I go eat with my wife, we get great parking. MAN 2 Hard to fall asleep at night. You know? It's just not the same anymore. MALE COUNSELOR Well, have you tried the stuff we talked about? PETE So... I have some stuff I don't just want to live with.