CODY DERRICK DOBKISS ERIN GUMBLE INGA JEANIE KATE KID MEGAN OFFICER ONLOOKERS PARK PEREZ PETE PETE_EIGHTEEN_YEARS_OLD PETE_FOURTEEN_YEARS_OLD PETE_TEN_YEARS_OLD PLAY RANDY ROBINSON RYAN_SEACREST SALLY THERESA WOMEN DERRICK Hey, who buys pickled eggs these days? Is it the theater crowd looking for, like, a quick bite on the way to the opera? ERIN It's mostly alcoholics. DERRICK Can I have, like, a dozen, then? Oh, God. It's... headstand season. Excuse me. RANDY Hey, ladies, I'm Randy. Do you want to see me do a headstand? You can put... your beers on my feet. DERRICK No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, ladies. I'm sorry. I'm his primary caregiver, Derrick. RANDY That's my brother, not my... Oh, head rush. How's it going? DERRICK Hi. It's not often we let him out of his cage, so this is a big deal for him. WOMEN Hi. PETE Yo. PEREZ Hey there. PETE Oh! I'm actually kind of fired up for this afo show. "Entertainment tbd." I saw the Foo Fighters in Kandahar once. Had a little connection with Dave Grohl. PEREZ You met him? PETE No, but he saw me in the crowd. He gave me one of these. PEREZ Oh. PETE Game recognizes game. PEREZ Rear D doesn't really draw the big names. RANDY Oh, sweet, dude, tbd's playing, man. What's their big song again? DERRICK Oh, you know, tbd's song. It's like... Then you go... Higher Take it. Yeah, yeah. That's right, dude. You found it in the end. RANDY Yeah. DERRICK By the way, you owe me a beer for saving you back there, okay? PEREZ What did you save him from? DERRICK Uh, well, he was doing a headstand in a bar, and he's not nine. PEREZ I don't know. Looked like a team to me. Randy breaks the ice, you drive the ship home. DERRICK No, that's not how it goes, okay? We're not a team. RANDY That's a beautiful theory, Jill. I'm gonna sit with it. Thanks. Do Pete for me. PEREZ Ooh... It's harder to peg Pete's vibe. It's buried under a dense fog of narcissism and cologne. PETE Let me break it down for you strong and silent with arms that can save you from a fire or wrap you in an embrace that can start one. PEREZ Ew. Don't wink at me. You're like my brother. PETE Not looking for a sister, Jillybean. Unless you're looking for a little... brotherly love. PEREZ You really want to take that last one back, don't you? Yeah. PETE So bad. CODY The Army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us. We take care of things at home. We are the Rear Detachment. Yes, we're soldiers. JEANIE So, I'm still working on the afo talent booking. Do you think your troops would like Kid 'n Play? CODY I don't know who that is, so yes. You may not be aware, but I've been known to favor the afo crowd with a song or two myself. I enjoy it. And I know my troops do. PARK Sergeant Major Cody sings a song every year. GUMBLE Every year. Like taxes. CODY Or Christmas. PARK Or a seasonal flu. GUMBLE Or like a Halloween, but you're, like, eight years old and your dad's drunk again... CODY This isn't over. DERRICK At ease. CODY Carry on. Everyone, this is our afo director, Jeanie Rotonto. JEANIE Pete Hill? PETE Jeanie... RANDY You guys know each other? Awesome. I mean, you seem like a nice lady. Pete's obviously the best. PETE How are you? JEANIE Not great, Pete. Not after what you did to me. PEREZ You guys, let's give 'em some space, okay? DERRICK Do not take this away from me. CODY Cool your jets, Sergeant Perez. I want to see if Sergeant Hill can pull his beans out of the fire. JEANIE We were dating, and then you got deployed and never called, wrote, e-mailed or contacted me in any way. You just bailed. RANDY Ma'am, this does not sound like Pete. It was probably some other good-looking soldier. JEANIE You put me through two years of hell. Do you know how much Adele I had to listen to? What could you possibly have to say for yourself? PETE I was in Afghanistan? DOBKISS Oh, that's weak. PEREZ You can't Afghanistan a relationship. PETE You'd be surprised what you can Afghanistan. Sorry, Officer. It's just that... there weren't any speed limits in Afghanistan. OFFICER Afghanistan? PETE Yeah. DERRICK Out. PETE That's in. It hit the edge. I was in Afghanistan. GUMBLE In. PARK In! DOBKISS So in. PETE I'm not proud, but it works. PEREZ Okay, help me out here, Pete. So, this girl seems like a great girl, and, at one point, she was actually willing to tolerate your company. Why would you walk away from that? PETE She was a good kid. She wanted to settle down. I didn't. PEREZ Of course not. You've got another... 30, 40 years of acting like you're in your 20s. RANDY Hooah. DERRICK Don't encourage. PEREZ Why wouldn't you just break up with her? PETE You mean like, "Boom, it's over"? PEREZ Yes. PETE I'm a... I'm a fade-out guy. PEREZ Huh? PETE I'm like a classic rock song. We have some fun, nice groove... DERRICK Wow. PETE ...maybe a tasty guitar solo, and then I start a nice, slow fade-out. You don't even know it's over until you're halfway into the next song. PEREZ Jeanie noticed. As I'm sure any woman with a pulse would. DERRICK No, no, no. See, we never had to worry about that. Because we were all Army brats. And since we changed posts practically every year, it allowed dj Fade-Out here to perfect his signature move. PETE Mmm... PETE TEN YEARS OLD So long, Sally. SALLY I'll write you every day, Pete! PETE FOURTEEN YEARS OLD So long, Megan. MEGAN I'll page you every day, Pete! PETE EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD Auf Wiedersehen, Inga. INGA I will e-mail you every day if y2k doesn't kill us all, Pete! PETE And they all lived happily ever after. I assume. PEREZ Common decency tells me that you need to apologize to this girl. PETE She is no saint, either. The second I got there, she started with the writing and the e-mails and the texting, and then here come the care packages and... Wow, I sound like a monster. I'll apologize. RANDY Bro, Jill was right about us. I'm researching animal facts with my wildlife index cards... DERRICK Randy, you've had those since you were eight, okay? When are you gonna get rid of 'em, pal? RANDY Never. A lot of this knowledge hasn't made it to the Internet yet. When Pete was around, we were like bonobos. DERRICK Bonobos. RANDY Yes. DERRICK Okay. RANDY We lived together. We sought food together. There's also a bunch of weird hypersexual behavior with bonobos that doesn't really apply... DERRICK Where you going with this, and how can I go the other way? RANDY When Pete left, our dynamic changed. We evolved to the hippo... and the oxpecker. DERRICK That's not how evolution works. RANDY I say teach the controversy. DERRICK What? RANDY Yes. There's no denying how well this hippo and this bird work together. DERRICK You know, I-I get it. The bird eats from the hippo's teeth. It gets free food. The hippo gets free dental. RANDY Teeth. Food. Free dental. Yes. In the scientific community, we call it symbiosis. Sym-bi-o-sis. DERRICK I know what it is, but I don't benefit from you, okay? I save you from you. I make the girls feel okay about your ridiculous headstand routine. RANDY I'm the hippo. You're the bird. It's science. DERRICK It's a free set of cards from the zoo. RANDY Fine. Maybe it's time for this bird to fly solo. DERRICK You just said you were the hippo. RANDY Maybe it's time... for this hippo to fly solo. JEANIE Hi. PEREZ Hi. Okay. We're working backwards. Hi. I'm Jill. JEANIE What you did for me was so sweet. PEREZ I'm glad you liked it. What did I do? JEANIE Pete told me you're the reason he apologized. PEREZ Someone had to teach him some manners, right? And now you can get on with your life. JEANIE Yes, we can. PEREZ Wait, what? What? JEANIE We got back together. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. PETE Yes, Jill. Thank you for making this happen. PEREZ Yeah. Mmm. DERRICK Hey, Randy, hand me the wrench. RANDY Sorry, solo hippos don't help out solo birds. I'm not even sure solo hippos help out other solo hippos. Hippos are mean. The card says. CODY Privates, a word. DOBKISS It was dead when we found it. CODY What? DOBKISS What? CODY Never mind that. Look, this is a focus group. Regarding my singing at the afo shows, how satisfied are you with my performance? One, extremely satisfied, two... Hey! This is a no-bull zone. You have my permission to speak freely. ROBINSON Well, when you do the same thing every year, people start to expect it. PARK Like birthday husband stuff. CODY Predictability is a performer's worst enemy. Makes it so damn hard to take an audience's breath away. How do I... freshen my act? GUMBLE My aunt has a housecat that she paints like a zebra. It's very aggressive with people. ROBINSON Sergeant Major, have you ever watched American Idol? CODY Still remember where I was the night Miss Kelly Clarkson won her title. ROBINSON What was Kelly's story again? CODY Simple girl from Burleson, Texas. House burnt down, not a dime to her name, but she overcame every obstacle to give the performance of a lifetime. ROBINSON That's what you need to do. DOBKISS I'll torch your house for ten percent of the insurance money. CODY I need to get the audience to invest in my narrative. Share in my struggles. PARK I've struggled. I was born in a labor camp. CODY Not now, Private Park. Uh... be in my office at 0900. Bring your imaginations and a sense of wonder. GUMBLE Yes, Sergeant Major! I have no idea what we're doing. PETE Well, I hope you're happy. PEREZ I told you to apologize, not get back together. PETE It's gonna be okay. She's about to go to Kuwait with the afo, and then we... fade out. PEREZ And then what happens when she comes back from Kuwait? PETE Who knows where I'll be then? PEREZ Everyone but you, Pete. PETE Huh? PEREZ Your post-hopping days are over. And you can't... fade out if you're not going anywhere. PETE Oh, I need to sit down. PEREZ You are sitting down. PETE I need to sit down more. What am I supposed to do here? PEREZ Two options commit to Jeanie... PETE Nope. PEREZ ...or you're a decent human being and tell her how you feel. PETE Hmm... Yeah, I'm feeling like there's a third option. She just booked us at a b and b in Vermont for leaf-peeping, fall of 2015. PEREZ Oh, God. PETE Walk me through this "decent human being" thing. CODY Okay, troops, I want that audience in the palm of my hand. Make me Kelly Clarkson. DOBKISS Well, you've milked that fake foot thing for all it's worth. What other body parts are you willing to lose? CODY You're done. PARK At the labor camp, when they separated me from my mother... CODY That sounds like a lot of you and not much me. Uh... give me something good! GUMBLE It was a cold winter's day. Your mother is supposed to drop you off at your voice lessons, but she doesn't show, because they're putting your dog down... CODY Too long. GUMBLE You beat cancer. CODY That's too short. DOBKISS Can I give it another shot, Sergeant Major? CODY No! DOBKISS Well, just because I came from nothing doesn't mean I don't have something to say. I will burn your house down for only five percent of the insurance money. CODY No. DOBKISS Three. CODY No. DOBKISS It may be too late to call it off. ROBINSON Sergeant Major, who's this? CODY Oh, that's my daughter. Love of my life. ROBINSON I think we got ourselves a narrative. Private Gumble, roll that tape. Say she's adopted. It's a better twist. ERIN Two beers, guys? RANDY Yes, but we're not together, because Derrick won't acknowledge that he's a bird and I'm a hippo so it's solo hippo patrol up in this mamma jamma! Whoa. We were bonobos. Now we're no-more-bros. Think about it. It works. ERIN Do I need to cut him off? DERRICK Wouldn't make a difference. There's no stopping this train wreck. There he goes. ERIN They're laughing. DERRICK At him. I can't watch. ERIN They don't seem to mind. DERRICK Give them time. RANDY Yep, put it right on there. DERRICK Give them more time. ERIN Maybe he's not the Hill brother who needs help. DERRICK Are you kidding? ERIN Let's, um, see what you got. DERRICK No. What are you doing? ERIN That's a chicken. DERRICK That is not a chicken. ERIN You would know. DERRICK You know what? I'm gonna do it. ERIN Okay, quick thought. You're kind of sarcastic women hate that. DERRICK They do? ERIN Also, I noticed you never smile. Try to work one in. Give me a big smile. Oh, my God. Lose the smile. Now it's creepy. DERRICK Okay. ERIN Split the difference. Go. Perfect. DERRICK Hi. I see you like... wearing jeans. I do, too. Not always. Wow. DERRICK Oh, yeah, it's the Idiot-Tron 4000. It's a prototype. He's a soft launch. KATE Friend of yours? DERRICK Well, he's... No. We don't need that guy. All right? Forget that guy. We got this. PEREZ Okay, breaking up is actually pretty simple. She may get desperate, and desperate women are not afraid to use tricks to keep their men. Show me what you got. I'm her; you're you. Go. PETE Okay, uh, let's see. Uh, Jeanie... PEREZ Uh-huh? PETE I've been thinking about us. PEREZ Mm, I've been thinking, too. About what we're gonna do tonight. All the things I've been afraid to try. PETE Oh, yeah? PEREZ Tricks, Pete! I told you there'd be tricks, right? Try this again. PETE Look, you are a great person... PEREZ Oh... PETE ...but I just don't have feelings for you. PEREZ Is that because you feel unworthy of a great person, or are you just placating me? PETE What? PEREZ What? PETE Huh? PEREZ Huh? PETE She's not gonna come back with something so complicated, all right? She's not an evil wizard. PEREZ You don't know that. PETE Really? PEREZ What if no one ever loves me? PETE Hey, hey, I gotcha. PEREZ I'm gonna stop you right there. Do you know what you did? PETE Was it the hug? PEREZ Classic mixed message. Unless it's your grandma, a hug is never totally platonic. PETE I'm doomed. PEREZ Let's try this another way. I'm you; you're her. And... Jeanie, it's over. Come on. PETE But I still love you. PEREZ Love is just an illusion that distracts us from the fact that we all die alone. Get your stuff out of my apartment by noon tomorrow, or it goes to Goodwill. I've already blocked you from every social media site I'm on. Don't make me change my number. PETE Ouch. PEREZ Yeah. Yeah. DERRICK This was my parents' wedding song. KATE Really? DERRICK No. KATE Why would you say that, then? DERRICK Because I'm a sarcastic bastard with one move. KATE Later, drunkie. DERRICK You're a drunkie. ERIN Shall I, uh... rope off a VIP area for you and a few select lady friends? RANDY Let's get out of here. DERRICK He's leaving with them? Give me a shot of bourbon. I got an idea. I don't need Randy to play off of. I can be my own idiot brother, and I can make fun of myself. ERIN Ah, that sounds like a great idea. DERRICK Hey! Ladies! You want to see me do a headstand? THERESA How drunk are you? DERRICK Drunk enough to do this. ERIN How'd it go? PETE Jeanie... PEREZ Yeah? PETE I am not in love with you, and this relationship is over. PEREZ Can I still sext you? PETE Have some self-respect. PEREZ You're being mean. PETE I am being honest. PEREZ I think I'm gonna cry. Say it. PETE Your tears aren't my problem anymore, and neither are you. Good-bye. PEREZ God, I'm good! PETE Oh, I did it. PEREZ Nice! PETE Now, is there any wiggle room on the sexting thing? PEREZ None. Never. PETE Right. Yeah, I get it. Man, she looks so hot. Bet I know what bra she's wearing, too. What if she's the one? PEREZ Get it together, all right? CODY Oh, Private Hill. Do you know where I can get some hot water and lemon? PARK Hot water and lemon?! Did you wake up today with no voice, Sergeant Major? ROBINSON But you were gonna sing tonight. How will you ever overcome this hurdle?! CODY Shh. I may not be able to. So say your prayers for me, okay? RANDY I do every night. CODY I wouldn't want the crowd to get swept up in my personal drama, so you, uh... you keep it to yourself. RANDY Okay. CODY Pass it on. DERRICK Hi... What are you doing here? ERIN Well, as a millionaire, it's hard to stay grounded. Working three jobs helps me keep it real. I'd offer you a bourbon, but we're not serving alcohol. DERRICK No, that's very good. I, uh... I learned two things last night One is that bourbon is not "good idea juice"... ERIN Oh. DERRICK …and two is that I have no game. ERIN Not everybody likes games. DERRICK What does that mean? ERIN Well, last night, I watched you fail miserably doing something most bar jerks do really well. Kind of makes me think maybe you're not a jerk. DERRICK Minority opinion around here. ERIN Prove me wrong. You don't know that that's not fake. RANDY Derrick. You look well. Better than when I came home this morning. You know you threw up in your hamper? DERRICK I know. I saw the image you posted online. RANDY You could've "liked" it. DERRICK Look, Randy, um, I was obviously wrong about what I said, okay? I need you more than you need me. RANDY You mean that, Derrick? DERRICK As long as there will be no follow-up questions, then yes. RANDY Copy. I saw you get that girl's number without me. DERRICK Yeah. RANDY Congrats. DERRICK Dude, you got spinach in your teeth. Come here. RANDY Mm-hmm. You're grooming me. Hippo and bird! Hippo and bird! DERRICK This moment is over! JEANIE Thank you. Before we bring out Kid 'n Play, I'd like to direct your attention to the screens. RYAN SEACREST Command Sergeant Major Donald Cody is a decorated war hero with 25 years of Army service. But while he did his duty, he never turned his back on his passion for singing. CODY I had no idea I could sing until the day my daughter was born. The moment I laid eyes on her, I sang with joy. DERRICK Does he actually think this is gonna work? RANDY He's so tender. RYAN SEACREST But then the sergeant major got a diagnosis that turned his purple heart blue. CODY When the doctor told me that I might not be able to sing, well... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could you... turn the camera off? GUMBLE When I told him it was vocal nodes, he said, "What can I do?" My answer... "Pray." CODY I asked my Maker for one more chance to share my gift. I don't know if he heard my prayer. Do you believe in miracles?! Look at 'em, they're so majestic. That's your land and mine... PETE Wow. I gotta say you look amazing. PEREZ You don't gotta say that. PETE I mean, hmm, can we talk? JEANIE We can do more than that. PETE Jeannie, I don't want to pick up where we left off. I... I should've broke up with you two years ago, but-but I chickened out because I didn't want to hurt you. I was selfish and dumb, and... I'm sorry. JEANIE Well, I-I'm stunned, but at least you're honest with me. Wait did she put you up to this? PETE No, she said to be way harsher. PEREZ Hey. No, I did not put him up to this. PETE She just made it clear that I needed to break up with you. PEREZ No, he was gonna let you go off to Kuwait and give you the fade-out. PETE Mm-hmm, fade-out. JEANIE Who are you?! Are you trying to steal him away from me? PEREZ Ew! No! I have zero interest in him. I have self-esteem. Not that you don't. Pete, talk! PETE She's the reason I broke up with you. PEREZ Stop talking! JEANIE Why do you care so much about his love life? PEREZ He... was in Afghanistan. CODY This night of miracles is not over. Together for the first time since late December, 2011, Kid 'n Play! PLAY What's up, Captain, what's up? PEREZ Whoop-whoop! Yeah! PETE All right, she told me not to do this, but come on in where it's warm. Come on. ONLOOKERS Ooh...! CODY Looks like a kerfuffle's stealing focus. I gotta save this show. PLAY What's up? CODY Hey, just follow my lead. KID Yo-yo-yo! PETE Oh! It's pretty cool you can use these for bloody noses. PEREZ Yeah. PETE And if I understand the ads correctly, I can swim with it, too? PEREZ Sadly, I think that's all you've learned today. PETE Oh, no, no, you were right. I should've listened to you from the beginning. Listen, you know how you say you hate me and that I disgust you and that the thought of being with me makes you physically ill? PEREZ Sure. PETE Well, the only people that talk to me like that are my brothers. So... PEREZ Hmm. PETE ...I don't know, I guess that makes you my, uh... PEREZ Your sister. PETE Well, I was gonna say "female brother," but don't listen to me, I lost a lot of blood. Anyway, thanks for helping me out. PEREZ I told you no hugs! I'm not your grandma, idiot! Oh! PETE Sisters are weird.