BARISTA BILLY BRAD DAVID ESME FEMALE_NETWORK_EXEC JAMIE JOSHJULIE KRISTEN LARRYMALE_NETWORK_EXEC MITCH NETWORK_PRESIDENT REBECCA SECURITY_GUARD VALET VICTOR WAITER BILLY Pretty good. JOSH You're good. BILLY Hey, thank you so much. You have been a great crowd. JOSH Yeah, this was our first taping, and you guys really set the bar audience-wise. BILLY Really, you were really, really great. Were there some places you could have been a little bit better? Yes. JOSH You got the jokes. It just took you a minute. BILLY Yeah. JOSH But you were really great. BILLY You were really great! JOSH Yeah, and you guys…you'll work on it. BILLY Good night, everybody! JOSH Good night, guys! JOSH Great. BILLY See you again. You want to explain to me what that was all about? JOSH What? BILLY Your little improv thing in the sketch. What was that about? JOSH Oh, yeah, that? That just popped in my head. That was funny, right? BILLY Popped into your--no, it's not funny. You implied that I groped you. JOSH Yeah, well, it got a laugh. BILLY It totally sold out my character. What is that? JOSH Billy, Billy, all due respect, your character had already gotten us lost in the woods and eaten half of the troop. I'm not sure what we're discussing… BILLY Because I'm a cannibal, not a pedophile! You have to eat. You never have to molest a child. JOSH Well--well, I don't know what to tell you. Larry thought it was funny. BILLY Larry thought it was funny? LARRY Guys, guys! That was kickass. You guys did a great job. BILLY Yeah? I'd like to kick your ass for… LARRY Why? What? BILLY Well, because you're letting him throw in lines at the end in front of a live audience, and you don't tell me anything? LARRY I don't even know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? BILLY The little line you gave him at the end suggesting that I'd cupped his balls--that was your idea? LARRY Yeah, that was funny! BILLY Wrong kind of funny! It killed the sketch! JOSH That's the nature of improv. LARRY Billy, hey, hey, guys… BILLY Oh. You're gonna explain to me the nature of improv? LARRY Could you guys hang on one second? Hang on one second, please. JOSH Yeah. LARRY I'm not comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable getting in the middle of this. BILLY You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I'll take you out of the middle of this. You're fired, you bearded prick! LARRY Thank you. I appreciate it. JOSH Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! LARRY What are you talking… JOSH What are you doing? You can't fire him. BILLY I just did. I recognized my voice. Good-bye, go sleep under the viaduct. You'll fit right in. LARRY Fine, fine. I'm gonna go do that right now. JOSH No, that's great, Billy. That's real mature. Let's do that. No, this is good. No, no, no, no, this is good. Billy, let's fire everybody. Let's just fire the director. Guys, let's fire the director. We're gonna fire props too. Let's fire the set! Let's just fire this big, yellow phone. LARRY Josh, Josh. JOSH This is bullshit. BILLY I'm excited. I'm real excited. I'm on my way to FX to hear, hopefully, the good news about my, uh, about my latest show, the Billy & Billy Show. BILLY Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! I'll have what I'm having. We got a great show. Bruno Mars is here. We'll be right back. And apparently, they love it because they're bringing me in. They don't bring you in to give you bad news. Believe me. That, they call. Or they, um, they text. What do you mean, I didn't test well? NETWORK PRESIDENT No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. You tested great. They--they love you, right? Um, the show tested…poorly--somewhat poorly. BILLY How is that possible? I am the show. NETWORK PRESIDENT And I think that maybe that's where we are running into a little bit of trouble. You're playing all the characters. You're in every scene. Um, we're worried that we run the risk of too much…you. BILLY So, uh, okay. Uh, what are you proposing? NETWORK PRESIDENT Are you familiar with Josh Gad? JOSH Comedy is like heart surgery. It gets botched all the time. All the time. But…if you keep it loose and you don't, you know, overthink it, you can…you can fix people's hearts. BARISTA I loved you in Wolf of Wall Street. JOSH Um, uh…thank you. FEMALE NETWORK EXEC Did you see Book of Mormon? BILLY Yeah, I saw it twice. FEMALE NETWORK EXEC He was one of the leads. BILLY The fat one or the gay one? NETWORK PRESIDENT No, Josh is the f--uh, he's not the gay guy. He's--that I know of. Is he? MALE NETWORK EXEC Mm… NETWORK PRESIDENT No. Uh, we're big fans. We're big fans. In fact, we think he could be…well, he could be the next you. BILLY Really? Okay, so when he's me, can I be Clooney? NETWORK PRESIDENT You know, we have a--a little wrinkle we'd like to propose. BILLY A wrinkle? NETWORK PRESIDENT Just a little wrinkle that we think will keep what we all love about the Billy & Billy Show. BILLY And wrinkle it. NETWORK PRESIDENT We think the two of you together would be a slam dunk. JOSH When I found out Billy Crystal wanted to work with me… Um, nobody was more excited than my grandparents. Obviously, you're flattered. Guy's a living legend. I was also very impressed. You know, for a guy in his position at this stage to realize how there comes a point in your career when it's time to, you know, play more of a…supporting role, it's brave. NETWORK PRESIDENT We'd love you to meet with Josh. He's a big fan. BILLY I don't work with fans. FEMALE NETWORK EXEC Hey, you know what? We have a poster we dummied up with the two of you… NETWORK PRESIDENT Don't, don't, don't, don't. Stop it. Um, see, here's the thing. Without Josh, the show doesn't meet our programming needs at this time. BILLY Hey! Oh, no. Kiss the ring. BILLY & JOSH JOSH I usually never know who I'm meeting. I don't know their faces. But you I've seen all over Starz Family recently. BILLY JOSH It's so good to see you. BILLY How are you? JOSH Oh, I'm good. I'm a little nervous. But I'm feeling good. BILLY Don't be nervous, you know--listen, I just gotta tell you. I saw Book of Mormon three times. JOSH No, you're kidding me. BILLY Yes. JOSH You must be very wealthy. BILLY Must be. Must be. Oh, fantastic. It was fantastic. JOSH Oh, it is--it is such a kick. You, sir, have got to do it. You've gotta try Broadway. You would get the bug. It is…it is so much fun. BILLY I did Broadway…with my one-man show, 700 Sundays. We won a Tony, and it's pretty much one of the highest grossing non-musicals in Broadway history. JOSH You're kidding me. BILLY No, no, no, no. JOSH Congratulations. BILLY Yeah. JOSH No, I don't… BILLY It's okay. JOSH I don't even know why I never even… BILLY It's all right. JOSH Oh. What was it about? BILLY It's a story that my dad died when I was 15. JOSH Wow, that sounds so powerful. BILLY Yeah, it was--it was, uh, good. You want to sit down? WAITER Okay, the wild berry mojito with the grilled cheese and a side of fries and with all the dipping sauces on the side in their own individual… JOSH Yeah. And I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but you guys don't have gluten-free bread, do you? WAITER We don't. I'm so sorry. JOSH It's fine. It's my cheat night. I'll get a--you know what? BILLY He's gone. JOSH I'm gonna do boodles gin. BILLY Josh? He's gone. JOSH Oh. I just needed more time. BILLY Hmm. JOSH So getting back into sketch comedy, that's gotta be really fun, right? BILLY Hmm? Oh, yeah--oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. JOSH Better than, uh, having to do another movie where you've got to play the wacky grandpa, I guess. BILLY Why would you assume I don't like playing a grandfather? I actually am a grandfather. Four times. JOSH No. No. No, that's not what I meant by that. BILLY Oh, I'm sorry. How did--how did you mean it? JOSH I was referring more to the "wacky" than the--than the "grandpa." BILLY Oh, I see. I see. Oh, I get it. Well, I'll tell you something. That wacky grandpa grossed 150 million worldwide. JOSH BILLY I'm serious. It did. JOSH That much? BILLY Mm-hmm. JOSH It's a dance the first time you meet someone. And like dancing, people over 60 are not great at it. BILLY Jerry Lewis… JOSH Yeah. BILLY Directing a movie. You're the actor. I'm Jerry Lewis. JOSH Hysterical. Okay. BILLY So in this scene, you're contemplating suicide. JOSH Okay. BILLY You're as sad as you've ever been in your life. Your lover has left you. You're in Paris. JOSH Mm-hmm. BILLY You don't know what to do with yourself. JOSH Okay. BILLY You walk out onto the ledge of your hotel. And you say to yourself, when you look down, "That's so far down to go to fall!" JOSH I don't understand the structure of the joke. JOSH Thank you. BILLY So, uh… JOSH So yeah. BILLY Great. That was great. JOSH Yes. Thank you again for dinner. I--I'm so sorry I forgot my wallet. BILLY Don't worry, you'll get the next one. Uh, black Tesla. JOSH Me too. Also a black Tesla. Please get his first, though. VALET You got it. JOSH Thank you. That wasn't great, was it? BILLY No. No. It was, uh, not one of my better meetings. JOSH Seriously, was it--was that the worst meeting you've ever had? BILLY No--Lindsay Lohan about doing the miracle worker in a dinner theater. JOSH BILLY No, it was not--it was not one of the--if I had ordered the fish, it would have been the worst meeting ever. But no, don't--no, don't worry about it. JOSH Still, I guarantee it. Mark my words. I guarantee tomorrow morning, we'll both receive phone calls from our agents saying, "He loved you." BILLY He didn't even just love you, he adored you. JOSH Oh, he absolutely adored you. He said he doesn't know where he ends and you begin. BILLY He wants to farm your stem cells and grow another you. JOSH BILLY He wants to turn you into a Buddhist, so he can represent you in your next life. JOSH He said he wants to borrow you and make a human centipede with the two of you. BILLY He wants to tattoo your face onto his face. JOSH BILLY He wants to buy adjoining burial plots, so you'll be together throughout eternity. JOSH He said he wants to suck your cock. BILLY You need, uh, valet? JOSH Yeah, that would be awesome. BILLY There you go. Hey, thanks. Thanks very much. VICTOR Hey, it's Victor from the Tesla dealership. Listen, we were wondering when you were planning to bring the car back in. The, uh, the test drive was really only supposed to last an hour or two, so we'd really appreciate it if you could return the car. BILLY I'll be home in around ten minutes. JULIE Listen, I was checking out Josh Gad on YouTube. BILLY Uh-huh. JULIE He is really funny. BILLY Uh-huh. JULIE Really funny. BILLY Right. JULIE Like, I never saw anything like this before. BILLY Hey, honey, I'm losing you. JULIE He's hilarious. BILLY I'm losing you. JULIE He was doing this bit… BILLY I gotta go. I can't hear a thing. Hanging up. JULIE Okay. BILLY BRAD Dude, how'd it go? JOSH It was fine. He deserves his place in The Comedy Hall of Fame, but the problem is is that there's a disconnect between what I want to do and what he wants to do. I would like Latinos to look at my stuff. I want, you know, a black audience. BRAD Big market. Totally. JOSH Yeah, big market. I want, um, what are they called? Um… BRAD Filipinos? JOSH Yes. Filipinos. No, they're--they're terrific. BILLY Hey, Dave, it's me. DAVID Billy? BILLY Yeah, listen, everything went fine. He's a--he's--he's a talented guy, but he's not for me. You know, the young guys or--it's all the same. They don't understand comedy the way it should be. They can't build a sketch and build a character and have a punch line. In the middle of a sketch, they'll just yell, you know, "Cock!" And they think it's funny. JOSH He's afraid of the word "cock." It's not comedy, that's--that's homophobia. BILLY I'm gonna pass. I can't see myself doing this with him. DAVID You can't. JOSH I really gotta get something, okay? I, uh, I already burned through all of my season two money from 1600 Penn. BRAD Yeah, yeah--wait, sea--there was no season two. JOSH I know. DAVID Okay, we'll pass. But you should know, they say with Josh, it's 13 on the air. BILLY They'll do 13 on the air with Josh? DAVID And you. BILLY And me. DAVID Only. BILLY Together. DAVID Both. BILLY Ah, shit. BILLY Morning. SECURITY GUARD Morning. BILLY Hey. BILLY Larry, hey. LARRY Hey, Billy. I was just, uh… BILLY Yeah. LARRY You know. BILLY Larry, listen, listen. Last night… LARRY You know what? Don't worry about it. BILLY No, no, I do worry about it 'cause it's important to me. Things were said that weren't meant. LARRY Really? BILLY Honestly. I'm so glad that we ran into each other because I don't want there to be any hard feelings. LARRY Oh. No, totally. No hard feelings at all. It's totally cool, totally cool. BILLY 'Cause it's hard, and, you know, it's one of those crazy outbursts. LARRY Oh… BILLY Crazy outbursts. LARRY Listen, man, I completely understand. You know, things are said in the heat of the moment. BILLY That weren't meant. LARRY Exactly. Exactly. BILLY I'm so glad. I am so--I'm relieved. LARRY Me too--I was seriously freaking out there for a second. If I get fired from this job, man, it's--it's…never mind. BILLY Well, Larry, you are fired. I just want to make sure that there's no hard feelings. That's all. LARRY Shit. Yeah. Okay. BILLY So we're good, right? LARRY Yeah, we're great. BILLY Great. Good morning, Sharon. How are you today? Hey, everybody. Good show last night. Proud of everybody. Really good. Hey. ESME Oh, shit. Uh, shit, shit. Billy, man. I didn't make your protein shake yet. I'm sorry. BILLY Oh, that's okay. ESME The copier, like, exploded… BILLY Mm-hmm. ESME And then there was, like, effing toner everywhere. Like, particles that I inhaled. Which is awesome, 'cause I don't have health insurance, so… BILLY Right, it's okay. ESME I mean, I know that you're supposed to have it at 11:30 'cause your nutritionist said… BILLY Don't worry about it. Don't worry about a thing. All right? I'm easy, you know that. Okay. See you later. Hi, Rebecca. REBECCA Hi. JOSH JOSH Uh, did you get my note? BILLY Note? No. JOSH Yeah, I wrote you a really long apology letter. It's on your desk. I feel…I feel absolutely horrible about what happened last night. BILLY You do not have to apologize to me. JOSH No, no, no. I do. I was a total asshole. BILLY You're not an asshole, Josh. JOSH I am. I'm a total, dirty little cock-ass. This is what I do--I find myself in really good situations, and I just… Aah! Ow! I shoot myself in the neck. BILLY The neck. JOSH Yeah, so I really don't want you to hate me. You are a hero of mine. BILLY Come on, Josh. I don't hate you. I don't hate you. JOSH Forget Paris. BILLY Stop. JOSH City slickers and… BILLY Stop. It was not your fault. It was Larry. JOSH You feel the same way? BILLY It was Larry. All right? We'll be okay. We'll figure this out. JOSH That is a relief. Yes, we will. BILLY Yeah. All righty. JOSH I never had a dad. My mom just found some sperm somewhere. I don't even know where. And…here I am. BILLY I'm thirsty. God's sakes. KRISTEN Oh, my god, that's fantastic. I'll follow up with the agent. Right away, yeah. BILLY Whoa, agent? What, is he asking for a bigger trailer now? KRISTEN Um, no, Josh actually, um…Josh had a really good thought about a possible Larry replacement. BILLY Oh, really? Oh, listen, um…if you're gonna have a meeting about directors, don't you think you should have called me? KRISTEN No, this is not a meeting. No, not a meeting. JOSH It's not a meeting. If it was a meeting, we'd have let you know. BILLY Yeah, but you didn't call me. KRISTEN There's no meeting. I would have shut the door. And the door was open. It's no meeting. JOSH I was just--I was just saying, casually saying, in a very casual manner that Beth Singer is terrific. BILLY Who is she? JOSH She's very young. BILLY Uh-huh. JOSH But she's done some unbelievable sitcom work. BILLY Really? Like what? JOSH 1600 Penn. BILLY All right, listen, with all due respect, Josh, we're gonna hire somebody who directed a show that lasted half a season? You know… JOSH Well, I mean, to be fair, we packed a lot in, though--we, I mean…we did a finale. BILLY I think we need a veteran for this show. We need somebody who really knows funny, knows how to get the best out of what--Jamie Dobbs. Jamie Dobbs would be fantastic. Jamie Dobbs was a big director in the '90s. Had hit after hit after hit. He's an improv genius. I mean, I used to go to him just to sharpen character. You worked with him. KRISTEN Jamie, yeah, I did. I worked with Jamie. Jamie Dobbs and I, we dated briefly. On and off…for a few years. Ahem. He was married. KRISTEN Oh! Uh, yeah, you know, he…he kind of fell off the map, and he hasn't worked in a really long time. BILLY Better. Better. KRISTEN Right. BILLY Better. He'll be fresh. KRISTEN I suppose. BILLY He'll be fresh. Jamie, that's our guy. KRISTEN Mm-hmm. JOSH If I may--if I may, Kris and I were just talking out of the context of the meeting, and we were both saying that, you know, it might be better to have a female perspective. BILLY I think it's better to have a funny perspective. Honestly, I mean, can we just find Jamie? This would be so exciting. KRISTEN Yeah. JOSH So that's it then? BILLY Be great. JOSH We're just gonna go with one of your friends who hasn't worked since, uh, the '90s? BILLY No, you know what? You know what? We will hire one of your friends when you make friends with some geniuses. Find Jamie, all right? KRISTEN Yes, I will. BILLY Great. JOSH Thanks for, um, having my back. KRISTEN Always. JOSH I was being sarcastic. KRISTEN I always have your back, Josh. I have always… KRISTEN God, I'm starving. JOSH Well, great. Uh, get your Jamie guy. He sounds really…sounds good. JOSH You have a colon problem. Your stomach is making noises that are abnormal at best, dangerous at worst. Get that checked out. KRISTEN JOSH You got this. Come on! BILLY Ooh. JOSH This is in you. Suck it up! Breathe. Don't just breathe out. You gotta breathe in a little bit too. BILLY I'm not breathing. JOSH Just give me two more. Two big ones. BILLY Mm-mm. JOSH Uh-huh. BILLY Mm-mm. JOSH Oh, yeah. One… BILLY Mm. KRISTEN Oh, Jamie. Hi. Oh, so good to see you. Oh, not much. I lost almost 70 pounds. I did, I…I caught a virus and just ran with it. Oh, don't tell him that. Don't say that if you don't mean it. No, I said no. I am not doing this again. I would love to go to dinner. You're not gonna go to dinner with this guy. BILLY No, it's green. It's green. I go sallow. Please, no more green. Thanks. MITCH Jamie Dobbs. BILLY Gonna be here any second. I couldn't be more excited. MITCH I mean, amazing. There's a miracle worker… BILLY Well, it's about the show. MITCH Right here. BILLY There's no "I" in Billy Crystal. Except the one in the beginning. BILLY & MITCH MITCH Very good. BILLY Yeah. MITCH Have you had a chance to read the sketches I sent? I just… BILLY Ooh, good, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, great. ESME Protein. BILLY That's not whey. JOSH I still can't believe he wouldn't even consider Beth. Totally racist against women. Right? KRISTEN I should go. Throw away this cup. JAMIE Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? KRISTEN I'm so sorry. Excuse me, that… JAMIE Kristen. KRISTEN Jamie. JAMIE Oh, my god, you look exactly the same. KRISTEN Jamie? JAMIE I've had a little work done. Listen, I know I should have called you. But I should have… KRISTEN JAMIE No, no, no. KRISTEN Jamie's here, Jamie's here. JAMIE I really should have let you in on what was going on. KRISTEN JAMIE I--I will--I will get in touch…ay-yi-yi-yi-yi. There he is. There he is! Ohh. Oh! You wonderful little man, you. Mwah! BILLY & JAMIE BILLY Uh, it's gonna be good. JOSH Totally. BILLY Yeah. JOSH And you, uh…you got your friend. BILLY Right, and you got your woman. BILLY It's, uh…it's gonna be good. JOSH Yeah. BILLY Can we stop? BILLY I'm sorry. I…I don't get this bit. I don't get it. JOSH Don't look at me. I thought this was one of the ones that you wanted to do. BILLY I thought you liked it. JOSH No, no, no, no, I--sailors, they're like clowns for me. They scare me. BILLY This funny walk… JOSH I'm fine losing it if you want to lose it. BILLY Can we? JOSH Yeah. JOSH You want to go get some coffee? BILLY Yeah. You know what I'd like better? An iced chai. JOSH Oh, the Oprah one? BILLY Oh, I love them.