ANDY BILLY CLIFFORD DENIS ESME FARYN FEMALE_FLIGHT_ATTENDANT FLIGHT_ATTENDANT JIMMY JOSH KRAFFTY KRISTEN MITCH NIKKI POLICEMAN SECURITY_GUARD BILLY Good morning. SECURITY GUARD Morning, Billy. BILLY How are you today? SECURITY GUARD I'm good, how are you? BILLY Good. Keep me safe. SECURITY GUARD Okay. Have a great day. BILLY See ya. Yeah. Good guy. Oh, boy. Look how he parks. Every day, he's a little over the line. I don't think I can get in there. This is like my mother in a shoe store. "I'm a 7, dear. What size are those?" "Those are a 4." "Uh, I'll take them." This is ridiculous. God damn it. BILLY Thank you. JOSH Thank you. We got a--we got a great show for you guys tonight, so I just wanted to tell you, I met this girl the other day. Well, made love to this… BILLY Josh, before we… JOSH Yeah? BILLY Before we do that, we have to talk about parking, how he parks, or doesn't park. JOSH For the record, I literally have no idea what's happening right now. Okay, go on. BILLY Yeah, no, we--we park right next to each other in the lot right outside. JOSH Right. BILLY He gets here a little bit before me every day, so he can park partially in my spot. Here's what he does. Take a look at this. Look at that. JOSH Oh, we have pictures. BILLY I took this this morning, because he's always a little bit in my spot. JOSH BILLY And I pull in, and here's how I have to park. Oh, that's fun. Oh, that's not fun. How can I get my car in? My car. I can't get my car in. And then getting out is fun 'cause then it's this and it's like that. JOSH Well, uh, you know what? They gotta paint the lines wider. BILLY The lines wider? JOSH Yeah. BILLY No, just come in straight. It's like parking next to Marty Feldman's eyes. JOSH Oh. BILLY It's like… JOSH Marty Feldman, that's a good reference for the FX audience. That's good. BILLY I wouldn't have brought it up, but you cracked my taillight. BILLY Denis--he whispered something to you during the opening. KRISTEN Yes, he did. He whispered…he whispered something, yes. BILLY Well, what did he say? Did he mention the time slot? KRISTEN He asked me where the bathroom was--is. BILLY We're getting killed here. There's no promotion. Every place I look, I see giant eyes with worms coming out of them. Where are our giant eyes with worms coming out of them? KRISTEN Hey, Denis. DENIS Billy. BILLY Hey. DENIS The show was very funny. BILLY Really? DENIS Mm-hmm. BILLY Oh, I'm glad, I'm glad, you know, 'cause I saw you from the stage, and you looked very serious. DENIS No. BILLY I mean, very serious. DENIS Yeah, I'm not much of a laugher. Hardly ever laugh. BILLY Really? DENIS Yeah, don't enjoy it. BILLY You must be fun in bed. "I'm putting a baby in you…now." KRISTEN DENIS So listen, Billy, you're probably wondering about the time slot, and… BILLY You know, not really. It just never crossed my mind. I just, you know, leave it to you… DENIS I heard you talking about it just now. BILLY Yeah, I am. DENIS So we plan on making a decision any day now. ANDY DENIS Oh, my god! Oh, wow! Did you see that guy? Oh, god. Pew! KRISTEN BILLY Are you okay? Are you…Denis, are you ok… DENIS BILLY Oh. FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. It is now safe to turn on your electrical devices provided they remain in airplane mode. In a few minutes, our flight attendants will begin our beverage services. We will only accept credit cards at this time. We no longer take cash. BILLY FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT Thank you for travelling with Air Express. We hope you have a safe and pleasant journey. JOSH Billy! Hey. BILLY Hey, what… JOSH I…I hope you don't mind. I'm doing this to boost morale. I bought some booze. I got a keg, some Pringles. Those are literally the only things I got. BILLY No, it's a great idea. JOSH Yeah, 'cause… BILLY Okay, yeah, great. Nice of you to do this. JOSH Let me give you something. Let me… BILLY Yeah, sure, sure, sure. What do you got here? JOSH Can I give you some Cuervo? BILLY No, you know what? I-I'm not gonna drink. JOSH Have a little bit. You sure? BILLY Yeah. JOSH All right. BILLY Thanks, thanks. ANDY You're happy in general with the--with the cue cards? They're legible and… BILLY Oh, they're great. ANDY I've written some of my own jokes, if you want to take a gander at some of them. BILLY Fun, fun. ANDY Yeah. BILLY Good for you. Why don't you email them to me? ANDY I…I can't email them. They're already written on the cue cards. MITCH Kristen, it's a very simple sketch. Billy is lactose intolerant. Josh is intolerance intolerant, so Josh throws milk in Billy's face. What is so hard to understand there? KRISTEN I think what I am not getting is, who's gonna tell Billy we're throwing milk in his face? JOSH I can't believe he just sold me out on camera in front of a studio audience. I didn't even want a studio audience. CLIFFORD Do you want me to say something to him? JOSH To Billy Crystal? Do I want you to say something to Billy Crystal? CLIFFORD We have a rapport. I could… JOSH No. No, I don't want you to say anything to Billy Crystal. Why are you even here? CLIFFORD You invited me here, man. JOSH Uninvited. You're uninvited. BILLY So if you give me a 30-minute… FARYN Mm-hmm. BILLY Then 15, then I-I know when to get dressed and… FARYN Yeah, yeah, no, I… BILLY Just gives me a rhythm. That's what I like. FARYN Yeah. BILLY I'm glad you're having a good time. ANDY Hey. BILLY Oh. Yeah? ANDY Here we go. BILLY You got… ANDY The gold. Do you want--maybe take a…just take a--give 'em--take a spin. BILLY You know what? ANDY What? BILLY You look like Frank Sinatra. ANDY Chairman of the board? Really? BILLY No one's ever told you that before? ANDY No, no. No one has ever… BILLY I see it. I really see it. ANDY "Hey, baby, who likes pasta?" MITCH Hmm. KRISTEN What about this? What if you sw--flipped the roles? And instead of being afraid of milk, Josh is afraid of tennis balls. And Billy keeps throwing tennis balls at him. MITCH That's a funny, funny sketch idea, Kristen. KRISTEN ANDY I gotta hand it to you. That's a winner. JOSH Made it look like there was so much space, and I just back up and hear this little mm-bink. Just the tiniest little bink! And it's his stupid $50,000 taillight. ESME Do you know what would be more fun than that story? FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. BILLY Sir, please. I'm just trying to read. ESME Oh, my god, Mitch. That's hilarious. Intolerance intolerant? MITCH Thanks, yeah. I just thought of it. He's intolerant of intolerance, so… KRAFFTY You might want to keep an eye on Esme. I just saw her do a ton of ecstasy with Josh. KRISTEN Oh. Okay, that makes sense. JOSH FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT Tsa regulations require that you do not congregate outside of the lavatory at the front of the cabin. BILLY JOSH FLIGHT ATTENDANT JOSH BILLY Josh? JOSH Hey, Billy. BILLY Hey. JOSH Hey, I was just looking for you. BILLY And look at that. You found me. JOSH I…just want to say… BILLY What? JOSH You mean so much to me. Mm-kay? BILLY Thank you, Josh. You--you mean stuff to me too. JOSH I was mad before. I was pissed off. BILLY Mm-hmm. JOSH But what are you gonna do? BILLY You know what, Josh? I'm gonna give you a ride home. JOSH I gonna give you a ride home. BILLY What--what is that? JOSH You're making me so thirsty. 'Cause your mouth is so wet. BILLY Josh, I'm gonna give you a ride home because if I let you drive, then you could possibly die a terrible death, a terrible death. Then I would feel sad, and I'd have no show. JOSH You're a truly funny man, Billy Crystal. BILLY Thanks, Josh. Come on. Let's go. All right? JOSH Do you remember when this happened? BILLY It's happening. JOSH Yes. BILLY What did you eat at the wrap party? JOSH I had, uh, Pringles and drugs. BILLY Oh, boy. Okay. JOSH You're judging me, aren't you? You're judging me right now. BILLY No, I'm not judging you at all. JOSH Billy, you're judging me for being so up. BILLY You know, you're doing ecstasy. You know, it's a studio, not burning man. You know, and listen, I have been more messed up than you are right now. JOSH Mm-mm. BILLY Oh, yes. Yes. It's my 30th birthday, and I had not had a joint or a drink or anything for, like, six years 'cause my daughter was born, the first one, when I was 24 years old. JOSH You have kids? BILLY Two. So now comes my 30th birthday, and I figured, what the hell? You know, it's 30. So I smoke huge--two huge joints and drop a tab of organic mescaline. Have you ever done organic mescaline? JOSH Yes. BILLY You have? JOSH No. BILLY All right. So it makes you want to do one of two things take an enormous shit or jerk off. I decide to do both at the same time. JOSH Oh, no. BILLY Yeah. Oh, yeah. JOSH No. BILLY So now, picture yours truly on the floor of my bathroom writhing around. And Julie walks in, and she goes, "One at a time, pal. One at a time." All right? So we all have our moments, buddy. JOSH Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. How does Helen Keller masturbate? BILLY I don't know. How? JOSH No, I'm genuinely asking that. I was really hoping you knew. BILLY Oh, no. I hope it's nothing. JOSH It better be nothing. You're an enormously skilled driver. BILLY Nice. BILLY Oh, boy. POLICEMAN License and registration. BILLY Here you go, sir. POLICEMAN Can you step out of the car, please? BILLY Sure. JOSH Do you want me to call the cops? POLICEMAN You got a busted taillight here. BILLY Oh, the taillight. JOSH That's my fault, officer! BILLY This happened the other day, and I promise you I-I was gonna take care of it first thing in the morning. POLICEMAN Okay. BILLY Okay? POLICEMAN Listen, I'm a huge fan. BILLY Oh, thank you very much. POLICEMAN Okay? "You look mah-velous." No, that was--hold on. "You look mah-velous." BILLY It's "you look marvelous." POLICEMAN "You look marvelous." BILLY There you go. POLICEMAN Oh, really? BILLY That was actually very good. POLICEMAN Okay. BILLY It was great, actually. POLICEMAN Okay, well, make sure you get that fixed ASAP. BILLY I-I promise you. First thing… JOSH Excuse me! BILLY Oh, no. JOSH No, I'm talking now. Listen… BILLY Josh. JOSH Do you know who this is? Huh? POLICEMAN All right. JOSH This ring of any bells? City Slickers. Princess Bride. Three Amigos. BILLY I was not in that. JOSH He's on a stamp. BILLY That's wrong too. POLICEMAN Why don't you get back in the car? JOSH You're not a real cop, are you? BILLY Josh, he is a real cop. JOSH You're a man stripper. You're like Channing Tatum and company in that man stripping movie. POLICEMAN Sir. JOSH Are these tear-away pants? POLICEMAN Sir. JOSH Huh? POLICEMAN I'm gonna need you to get back in the car now. BILLY We had a little party at the studio. It was a morale booster. JOSH Someone drugged me. BILLY Josh. JOSH I drugged me. BILLY Josh, stop it. JOSH Oh. BILLY Just stop it. JOSH Hey. BILLY Stop it. JOSH Is your friend also--does he strip? POLICEMAN Excuse me. BILLY Josh. JOSH Do you strip? BILLY Hey. Stop it, or I will slap your face. POLICEMAN Please. BILLY You are heading down a Shia LaBeouf kind of road. Is that what you want? JOSH No. BILLY Just get control… JOSH I mean, he's really good in some things, like eagle eye. BILLY Just shut up, please. POLICEMAN Guys. JOSH You are so strong. BILLY Come on. JOSH You're like an ant but human-sized. BILLY Just stop it. Just st… JOSH Oh! POLICEMAN Whoa. Whoa, hey! JOSH Aah! POLICEMAN Come on. JOSH Ow! Stripper, get him off me! MITCH Oh, my Jesus, lord in heaven. BILLY What are you hitting me for, you… JOSH Who am I fighting? ESME Instant classic, right? MITCH Ugh. BILLY JOSH No! MITCH I mean, it's probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. ESME You should probably write something like this. BILLY I do. ESME And that's, like, if you want to sell stuff on Etsy. That's how it works. MITCH Okay. BILLY Hey. ESME Hi, Billy. MITCH Hi, Billy. BILLY Hey. What are you watching? MITCH Nothing. ESME Porno. He was showing me a porno. BILLY You can't get porn in here. There's a firewall. ESME How do you know that? BILLY So what is it? The dash cam video? MITCH No. ESME Yes. BILLY Oh, boy. How many hits is it up to now? ESME 91,000. BILLY Oh, boy. ESME Oh, hold on. Let me refresh. 330,000. BILLY Oh. ESME It's not that many. KRISTEN So Denis called. He wants us to come to the network for a meeting. DENIS'S ASSISTANT You guys can come in. Denis is just finishing up a meeting, but he'll be right with you. BILLY Thank you. It's like getting called into the principal's office. DENIS'S ASSISTANT Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink? BILLY No, I'm fine, thank you. DENIS'S ASSISTANT A water? JOSH I'll have a--no, thank you. Me too. DENIS'S ASSISTANT Okay. KRISTEN Nothing for me either. I'm good too. BILLY Oh, boy. You dragged me into your shit, Josh. JOSH Well, you know what? At least they're talking about our show now, right? BILLY It's not the kind of talking I like. KRISTEN You know what? Maybe it's fine. I mean, we have all had, like, a not-so-sober altercation with a cop, right? Right? JOSH Kristen, let's start having some thoughts we don't voice, okay? KRISTEN I already do that. BILLY Hi, Denis. JOSH Hey, buddy. DENIS Please sit. JOSH Hi. BILLY So Denis, nobody's more mortified about this video than me. JOSH Except me. DENIS We love it. BILLY What? JOSH Interesting. DENIS Yeah, this thing has done more to raise awareness for the show than any single piece of promotion, viral marketing, anything my team has come up with the past six months. JOSH How very, very interesting. DENIS Yes, as a matter of fact, I am going to be firing my entire team. But, um, that's not your problem. What I'd like from you guys, if you're game, is to run with it. BILLY Run with it? JOSH Okay. DENIS Yeah. BILLY How do we do that? DENIS A mea culpa tour. People love those things. You guys can go on Kimmel, Fallon, the other idiot who's not named Jimmy. BILLY You want me to take the thing that I'm most embarrassed about in my entire career and exploit it? DENIS Yes. I think we've stumbled upon something really interesting here. A comedy team who hates each other, even if it's not true in real life. BILLY No, it's not true, not true. JOSH No, it's not true at all. DENIS It's attention-grabbing. It's--it's noisy, in a good way. JOSH This is why you are so good at what you do. BILLY Fellas, if I…honestly, I have a little trouble with this. Maybe I grew up in a time where if you did something bad, you were ashamed, and you did not brag about it, and you did not exploit it. DENIS Yeah, we're the network that gave Charlie Sheen a show, so… BILLY But you know what? For me, it feels wrong. DENIS Well, as in all things, we ultimately defer to the artist. And if you're not comfortable, we don't do it. BILLY Great. DENIS I personally think it would be good for the show. But…it's your choice. JIMMY Our first guests tonight are the costars of a new sketch comedy program on FX. It's premiering sometime this fall. It's called the Billy & Josh Show. I don't know where they came up with the name either. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Crystal and Josh Gad. JIMMY Great to have you here. BILLY Thanks for having me. JIMMY You guy--you want--maybe wanna squeeze in a little bit closer? JOSH No, we're--we're okay. BILLY I'm good. We're good. JIMMY All right, so everybody has seen the dash cam video that you guys…made. I guess maybe that would be the way to put it. JOSH You know what, Jimmy? Can we skip that? Talk about…everyone's seen it, and… BILLY Well let's just talk about our show, which is coming on in the fall, which is fantastic. JIMMY With all due respect… NIKKI And none taken. JIMMY I think--I think we need to have maybe a "come to Jesus" moment. Maybe a Jewish "come to Jesus" moment. JOSH Those are my favorite kind. BILLY He was. JIMMY I was talking to Josh backstage. And, Josh, you have something you want to say to Billy? JOSH Yes, thank you, Seth. JOSH Billy…I'm…I'm sorry for doing drugs. I'm sorry for slapping you. And I'm also sorry for urinating on your car. JIMMY That's nice. BILLY You urinated on my car? JOSH A few months ago, yes. JIMMY All right. BILLY At least you didn't do it in my car. JOSH Uh…we'll talk about it later. JIMMY Well, you know… BILLY Oh, my. Wow. JIMMY I think that's very big of you to do. Billy, do you accept Josh's apology? BILLY If I say yes, will you then talk about our show? JIMMY Yes. BILLY Okay, then yes. JIMMY All right, very good. Gentlemen… JOSH How about that? JIMMY One more thing we have to do. If you could just shake hands to show that--yes. BILLY Not--no, no, no, no, no. JIMMY Hands. BILLY No. JIMMY Josh. JIMMY See? BILLY He said a handshake. JIMMY Now that's… BILLY He always goes too far. JIMMY He does. That's how you do it, President Obama. That is how you broker a peace agreement between warring nations. So there you go. How do you guys feel now? BILLY So much better. JOSH Pretty much the same. JIMMY All right, well, we will be right back… JOSH You know, the guy you have to worry about when…when it comes to drugs is Billy. JIMMY Really? JOSH Yeah. Yeah, Billy, you gotta tell the story. BILLY What story is that? JOSH Your 30th birthday, the thing you did. Tell them. Tell them the story. BILLY What the hell was that? JOSH I thought that was pretty funny. BILLY Funny? I told you that story in confidence. JOSH Yeah, well, you know what? I hit your car in confidence, and you didn't mind talking about that in front of an audience. BILLY Are you serious? It was a bit, that's all. JOSH Yeah, really funny bit. BILLY It was a bit. It was, the audience loved it. It was actually funny. It was real. JOSH My thing was a bit on Jimmy Kimmel… BILLY Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. JOSH Oh. Oh, no, that's FX. BILLY Yeah. JOSH Oh, shit. BILLY What do we do? JOSH Pick it up, and I'll say that I'm your maid and you're not here. BILLY I don't have a maid. Hello? DENIS Billy, hey, it's Denis. JOSH Hey, Denis. You have both of us. It's me, Josh. DENIS Listen, guys, unbelievable. BILLY I know, Denis, you know… JOSH Yeah. DENIS Truly hilarious. So uncomfortable. I didn't know you guys were even gonna do the bit where Josh puts you on the spot. I was laughing my ass off. BILLY Yeah, well, I thought you don't laugh, Denis. DENIS Well, I make exceptions. Listen, guys, tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find more money in the marketing budget. We're gonna promote the hell out of you. Break a leg on Conan tomorrow night, all right? BILLY & JOSH Okay. DENIS Okay, fellas? BILLY All right, thanks for calling. DENIS Great work. BILLY Thank you. JOSH Thanks, Denis. BILLY Hey, excuse me. Hey, hey, chief. Who do we call to get a car towed? Yeah, that black Mercedes SUV. It's half in my spot. It's Josh Gad's car. Just go ahead and tow him please.