BART BILLY BOB BRIAN ELVIS JOSH KRISTEN MITCH RON SETH ELVIS So, Billy, you got to be excited about this. ELVIS It's your return to sketch comedy. BILLY Right. ELVIS It's your return to series TV for the first time in years. BILLY Well, I'm excited and terrified, Elvis, to--to be honest. You know what I mean? JOSH Don't be terrified, I won't bite. BILLY No, we'll be okay. Uh, we're having a great time, and I think we're doing great stuff. JOSH It's gonna be amazing. ELVIS So you're working with--with Josh. I mean, is there any kind of clashing styles? BILLY You're Josh, right? JOSH I'm--I'm Josh. No. BILLY No. JOSH No, there's not been--a clash of styles? Uh-uh. BILLY No. JOSH Not that. BILLY We celebrate. We celebrate, we don't--we don't clash. JOSH We love stylistically committing to the same approach, and we find an entrance way through that. BILLY It's just to be funny. JOSH To be funny. BILLY So, however we get there, we get there, you know. JOSH We get there. ELVIS Okay, well, let's change up here. So politics, right? I mean, you guys have got to go political with this show to some extent, don't you? BILLY Well, the thing about doing current events, politics--it's difficult, because, well, neither one of us does a good Obama. JOSH No, I definitely don't. BILLY Obama doesn't do a good Obama. BILLY & JOSH ELVIS Yeah, I get that but, you know, isn't comedy really the way to sort of deal with social issues? I mean, you come from that comedy. BILLY Yes, yes. No, I think we'll be satirical. We're not like SNL. If SNL--something happens even on the show day, it can be in the show that night. Like, we're filming a show this week. It won't be on for a couple of months. So current events is hard for us. JOSH We got to get some black people on this show. Oh, sorry. BILLY No, I will--honey, I'll pick up the salmon. All right, Jules, see you later. Bye-bye. JOSH Hi--bye, Julie! BILLY She was gone. JOSH Okay. BILLY What's up? JOSH Elvis Mitchell. BILLY Yeah? JOSH Did you not see the way he was looking at our crew--our white, white crew? BILLY No, I--I did not notice that, no. JOSH Well, he was, a lot. Did you ever think about how totally devoid of minorities we are on this show? BILLY Did you? JOSH Well, no, not until today, but, I mean, look at us. The cast--white. The writing staff--I mean, yeah, we have the one Asian guy but it's like off-white at best. Even the--the grips and the, uh, the…microphone… BILLY Sound. JOSH Sound--even sound is white. We're like a goddamn snowstorm up in here. BILLY And you think Elvis Mitchell was making a mental note about how many minorities we have on our staff? JOSH I saw what I saw. I looked at our show through his eyes, and I could just see the way it was radiating back… BILLY Elvis Mitchell, award-winning entertainment journalist, and you think all that he sees is race? JOSH Well, no. No. BILLY Josh, if Elvis was white, would you have the same thought? JOSH No, I wouldn't. BILLY No. Isn't that a little racist? JOSH Oh, my God. I'm the problem. So…we shouldn't hire any minorities? BILLY Um… We think it's really important to get some… JOSH Uh…faces of color. BILLY Faces of color around the show. In the show. JOSH In and around the show. BILLY Right. KRISTEN That's…that's a great idea. It is. We would not want to be thought of… BILLY But, you know, it's not about what we're thought of. I don't care about the media. JOSH Yeah. BILLY It's about doing the right thing. I mean, look at our cast. KRISTEN It's mostly the two of you. BILLY Right. JOSH Yeah. BILLY But when it's the two of us and someone else, that someone else should be… JOSH Diverse. BILLY Diverse. JOSH Just a little diverse. BILLY You know? KRISTEN Uh-hmm. BILLY I mean, and not just on the cast. I'm talking about the crew too. I mean, my God. Our writing staff… MITCH Well, there is Andrew. JOSH Who's that? BILLY Who's Andrew? MITCH Andrew Tseng. The Asian guy. BILLY I love him. JOSH Kristen, whatever happened to the, uh, that makeup girl? BILLY Woman. JOSH Woman. Whatever happened to that makeup woman? KRISTEN I don't know who you're talking about. JOSH Oh, man. 40-ish? She wasn't fat. She wasn't skinny. BILLY Yeah. JOSH She definitely could drop a couple, like we all could. But, uh, she wore earrings. MITCH Yes. I know who you're talking about. She wore that purple shirt that one time. JOSH Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her. MITCH Yeah. JOSH And lipstick. MITCH Yes. I remember that. JOSH What happened? MITCH I want to say…Jamila? KRISTEN We've never had a Jamila. BILLY No. Jamila. KRISTEN Never. BILLY No. Her name was more… MITCH Normal. BILLY I was going to say "bland." MITCH Right. And she's very articulate. JOSH But not--no more than you would expect. BILLY Yeah. MITCH Oh, no, of course. She lives up to my already high expectations of how articulate she would be--that she is. KRISTEN Are you guys talking about Karen? BILLY Yes! JOSH Oh, thank God. Thank God. BILLY Yes, Karen. KRISTEN Yes. BILLY Jamila. Jesus Christ! KRISTEN The African-American woman? JOSH I don't see color, so… BILLY Was she black? KRISTEN Yeah. BILLY Oh. We, um--we had to let her go. JOSH No, what? BILLY No, why? JOSH Kristen, why would you fire her? KRISTEN I did not fire her. She was a temp and… BILLY Well, we have to get her back. She was… JOSH You got to bring her back. BILLY …the best. MITCH She was just so talented. BILLY The best. Yeah… MITCH Everything. JOSH She was--there's nobody who does the things that she does. BILLY Better. KRISTEN Really? JOSH You know what? Here's what it comes down to. Billy Crystal and I would just like to be on a show that represents America. BILLY Right, and everybody that we hire has got to be…great. KRISTEN Black? JOSH No. BILLY Great. KRISTEN Great? BILLY I mean, we--we can't hire some sort of… JOSH Uh, token minority. BILLY Yeah, token. No token, no tokens here. KRISTEN So just great people? JOSH Yeah. BILLY Great people--tokens…tokens are for the subway. You know what I mean? JOSH No, they're not anymore, actually. BILLY What? JOSH They replaced them with swipe cards. BILLY I don't know. I--I take a car. Anyway, could we work on this? KRISTEN Yeah, so…just hiring someone…not--not necessarily black. JOSH No, just… KRISTEN Maybe. JOSH A colored person, not… KRISTEN But not white. JOSH Not a colored person… KRISTEN No more white people. JOSH A person of a different shade of color than, uh… BILLY Whatever. JOSH White Jew. BILLY She knows what to do. JOSH Yeah. KRISTEN All right. BILLY Thank you. MITCH All right. KRISTEN You're welcome. MITCH Thanks. You know what we want. KRISTEN Thank you guys…for keeping it diverse. JOSH And of course, the Fusili… BILLY Fusili. JOSH Topped with arugula, fresh porcini mushrooms, shaved pecorino, and spicy turkey poison Italian sausage. BILLY I'm sorry. What--what was that last one? JOSH Which one? BILLY The last one. JOSH Ah, the Fusili. BILLY Yeah. What's in that? JOSH Aha. Arugula… BILLY Uh-huh. JOSH Uh, fresh porcini mushroom, shaved pecorino, and spicy turkey poison Italian sausage. BILLY Wow. That sounds great. Is--is it good? JOSH It's not great. It's incredible. I try some before my shift begin. KRISTEN I know, Bob. I know. I know, but the guys asked for this. BOB Well, tell the guys you're significantly over-budget. KRISTEN I know we're over-budget. BOB Significantly over-budget. KRISTEN Significantly over-budget. But… BOB Kristen, it's simple. If you want to make additional hires, you need to find savings elsewhere. Period. KRISTEN Okay. Okay. Good night, Bob. Maybe you could find some savings up your b-hole, Bob. Hmm? Do you mind that, if I take a gander up your b-hole? BOB I'm still here, Kristen. KRISTEN I know. I am looking everywhere. You got to give me credit for that. JOSH Billy? BILLY Oh, I'm sorry, Billy's not here. JOSH It's safe. BILLY He's not--I lied. JOSH Oh! BILLY Oh. I love this stuff. JOSH These are great. Where did you get these? BILLY I got it for my grandson, but my daughter said, "No guns, dad," so I kept them. JOSH Ow! BILLY Oh, did you jam? Did you hear the jam--ow, ow, ow! JOSH Yeah, how do you like that? How do you like that, big man? KRISTEN Hi. BILLY Kristen! KRISTEN Aah! Aah, no! Aah! Aah! BILLY And down she goes. Down goes Kristen. KRISTEN I was… BILLY Down goes Kristen. KRISTEN I was just--I was wondering if you guys might want to take a minute and just pop in and say hello to the new writer. JOSH Writer? No, pass. BILLY Yeah, pass-adena. JOSH Pass-trami on rye. BILLY That's a stretch. JOSH Not all of them can be gems. BILLY Yeah, said the counterfeit jeweler. JOSH That's good. That's actually really good. KRISTEN Are you sure you don't want to pop in just real quick? BILLY Yeah, we're a little busy right now. JOSH Yeah, yeah. He's busy getting killed. BILLY Aah! KRISTEN Yeah, but this is the new writer, the one we just hired. BILLY We hired a new writer? JOSH Kristen, no offense. The writers are great. They do some great work, but that room, it just… BILLY It stinks. JOSH Yeah, it really does. BILLY It smells so bad. JOSH It smells like mustard. BILLY And scalp. JOSH And sadness. BILLY Yeah, it's tragic. KRISTEN But this is the new writer. Ron. Ron. JOSH Yeah. BILLY What? KRISTEN He's African-American. BILLY Citizens of Rome. JOSH There he is! BILLY Citizens of Rome. JOSH Welcome. RON Wow, this is great. JOSH Willkommen. RON How are you, sir? BILLY Good to meet you. RON Good to meet you. JOSH Ron? So good to meet you. RON How are you? BILLY Good. JOSH You gonna do it? BILLY Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Mitch, here's your stuff. MITCH Oh. Perfect. BILLY Welcome. RON Thank you, man. BILLY Fantastic. RON I'm thrilled to be here. BILLY Stuff's hilarious. JOSH Can I just say--love your material. BILLY Loved it. RON Yeah? BILLY Yeah, funny, edgy, great. JOSH Love your material--oh, man. BILLY Great, hilarious. RON Thank you, man. What'd you read, the feature or the other thing? JOSH The, um…feature. BILLY It's so great to have you here. JOSH It's great. RON Thank you, man. I actually used to live in your old building in New York. JOSH What? RON Yeah. BILLY Seriously? JOSH His? RON Yes, sir. BILLY 325 E. 5th street? RON Yes, sir. BILLY You're kidding. I lived there when I went to NYU. It's--oh, man, it's a great old building. RON Well, it's an abandoned crack house now. BILLY Oh, really? RON Yeah. BILLY What happened--one of those big new crack chains moved in? RON Crack depot. BILLY Crack depot. Well, you know, you can't beat their prices. It's true. RON Crack-4-Less. They're very competitive. BILLY Yeah, but you know what? We had their crack for the holidays and it was disappointing. RON It's like a Chris Rock bit. Crack, man, I don't like the crack! It's all crack! MITCH Crack--Crack, Etcetera. I went down there! Crack Etcetera--one of the big--it's a big crack chain. BILLY Right. RON So, uh, I was driving in. Thought of a funny sketch. JOSH Oh, my God, already. That's incredible. MITCH Ron, typically what happens is the guys pitch stuff to me, then I take the top stuff to… BILLY Mitch, Mitch, it's--it's fine. Not today. MITCH Oh. BILLY No, we're…we're just here… RON I mean, I don't want to step on any toes. BILLY No, no, no, no. JOSH Nobody's ideas get excluded here. MITCH No, no, no, no, no. BILLY This is a total meritocracy. JOSH Ab-solutely. Absolutely. BILLY Yeah, so just tell us what you got. RON So am I good? Cool? MITCH Yeah. Hey, please. RON All right, my man… MITCH Please, please. RON So I don't have it all figured out yet--beginning, middle, and end. BILLY No worries. RON But it's--it's basically a Klansman with Tourette's. BILLY Ah! JOSH That's very funny. RON Yeah, yeah. I figured you could be the grand wizard, right? BILLY Right. 'Cause I've, like, worked my way up. RON Indeed, indeed. Absolutely. And he's like a newbie Klansman. BILLY Right, that's good. JOSH I think I actually went to high school with a girl named Newbie Klansman. BILLY Newbie Klansman, report to the principal's office. Your mother's here to take you home. RON That's great stuff, man. Yeah. BILLY Oh, that's funny. RON Thank you, man. I appreciate it. JOSH That's unbelievable, my man. RON Thank you, man. Thank you. So, yeah, man. You mind if I write that up? MITCH Do I mind? RON Yeah. MITCH No, of course, Ron. No, it's super. RON Just want to make sure, man. MITCH Super, super, super stuff. RON Cool, cool. I'll write it up then. JOSH Yeah, it's gonna kill. BILLY Oh, that's very funny. JOSH That's so funny. BILLY See, it's--it's fresh. KRISTEN We, uh--we can't have meat and cheese, uh, out here anymore. It costs too much money. And we just have--we have to find savings. I got--gotta find savings. BART The cheese isn't really all that expensive. KRISTEN Who do you work for? Me or cheese? No cheese! BILLY Coming. Hey, come on in. JOSH Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for having me. BILLY Sure--hey, listen. Make yourself at home. I'm just gonna finish stirring the soup. JOSH Perfect. BILLY But don't use the hook on the wall, the hook's broken. You may want to be careful. I just waxed the floors. Just have a seat and relax. Oh, but don't sit on that chair, that chair is broken. Ooh, I know you're a Civil War buff. I got an authentic union army jacket in the closet if you want to take a look. But you should knock first 'cause there's… JOSH BILLY Some kind of weird bear in there. He gets real horny if you surprise him. Can't wait for you to taste this soup. KRISTEN Mitch, I know. Believe me, I know. But it is these fudging budget cuts. MITCH $12, you really want to walk into a room full of writers and tell them they need to limit their lunch order to--to $12? KRISTEN I was hoping you would do it. MITCH Kristen, no. These are writers. Lunch is all these people have. You limit them to $12, you might as well kill them. KRISTEN Maybe if you tell them that most Americans have to pay for their lunches. RON Oh, good! MITCH Okay… RON You asking her about my parking space? MITCH I--no. KRISTEN Parking--parking spot? Parking spot? RON Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just wondering, 'cause all the other writers get to park right up front and, like, my space is all the way across the lot. It's, like, kind of far. MITCH Yeah. KRISTEN Well, that's--well, that's because we're only allotted a certain number of--of parking spaces, and they've all been taken. And since you're new… RON New? I've been a professional writer for six years. Now, I worked on SNL. KRISTEN That's not what I meant. Not what I meant. RON I went to Harvard. KRISTEN No, no, no, no--I meant new to this show. Because believe it or not, every single one of those parking spots costs our production $175 a month. RON Oh, no, I got it. Separate but equal. Okay. That's cool. KRISTEN Separate but equal. I am so sorry that you have to walk 500 yards to your parking spot but you know what, suck it up! MITCH Kristen. KRISTEN Suck it up, Harvard man! MITCH Easy. KRISTEN You know what, you make more money than Mitch. MITCH What? KRISTEN Yes! MITCH He does? RON What? KRISTEN Yes, he does. RON Do I? KRISTEN And you're in here complaining? RON I'll get some coffee. MITCH He makes more than me? KRISTEN Yeah. I'm sorry, Mitch, you had to find out that way. I feel really bad about it. We all made a vow to never tell you. MITCH What--how many people know about this? KRISTEN Everyone. MITCH BILLY Have you read the Klansmen with Tourette's sketch yet? JOSH I'm finishing it right now. BILLY Okay. JOSH Wow! BILLY It's hilarious. JOSH It's a… BILLY Hilarious. JOSH Honestly one of the funniest sketches I've ever read. BILLY This is a whole other level. JOSH Oh, my god, it's genius. BILLY Wow. JOSH I mean, no offense to Mitch and… BILLY No, no, no, they're all great but this dialogue… JOSH Forget about it. One joke after another. BILLY Boom, boom, boom, boom. JOSH Slam dunk. BILLY All funny. JOSH All of them. Every joke. BILLY Wow. We can't do this sketch. JOSH Not a chance, no. BILLY No, we'd get killed. JOSH Killed to death. Right to death. BILLY No--and--and, it's not that it's not funny. JOSH No, it's the opposite of not funny. BILLY Yeah. JOSH It's funny. BILLY The amount of times that we would have to say the… JOSH The, uh, the… BILLY Word. JOSH "N" word. BILLY Yeah, it's--it's… JOSH It's a lot, a lot. A lot. BILLY One would be a lot. JOSH Right. BILLY And the ending? JOSH Oh, the uh, the burning cross? BILLY No, the… JOSH Oh, the lynching joke. BILLY Not that it's not well-written. JOSH No, it's incredibly well-written. BILLY Kill the sketch. JOSH Yeah, for sure. BILLY I'll tell you--I am actually relieved. JOSH Why? BILLY Because I thought you were gonna say to me, "Come on, don't be such a pussy, Billy." JOSH What, I don't talk like an old lady. BILLY No--no--I--all right. It's more like, "Come on, Billy, grow some balls, man. Come on, Billy, grow some balls, man." JOSH Why am I a Jersey boy in 1955? I would be more like, "Come on, Billy, grow some balls." You know, like, just a little more nasal. BILLY No--no. That's not even close to you. It's more like, "Billy, we got a chance to do something special, you know. Where's the edge, man. Where's the edge?" JOSH Honestly, that was excellent. BILLY That was actually very good. JOSH Third time's a charm for you. BILLY Yeah. JOSH That was incredible. BILLY I pulled back just a little. JOSH But there's edge and then there's ahh. BILLY There's over the edge. JOSH Yeah. BILLY That's like, you know, off the cliff time. JOSH Yeah, crash and burn. BILLY That's like Thelma and Louise holding hands going off the… BILLY & JOSH Whoa! You want to tell him? BILLY Love this sketch. JOSH Love it. BILLY It's really funny, it is super sharp. And it's edgy. JOSH Maybe, dare I say, too edgy? RON Too edgy? BILLY Uh, a tad. A tad. RON Too edgy? JOSH I think--I think what William here is trying to say is that the two of us in Klan robes, copious iterations of the "N" word, um… BILLY It's tough. It's tough. JOSH 'Cause we're white. BILLY Yeah. JOSH You know, saying "N," et cetera. BILLY Right. RON But you're Klansmen. BILLY No, no, no--it's just--listen. Key and Peele, Chappelle, of course, they could get away with it. JOSH It would destroy. BILLY Sure but Josh and I…less so. JOSH J'agree. RON First off, let me--let me just say this. You guys are great at what you do, I love what you're doing here. Billy, you're obviously a legend. BILLY No. RON Far be it for me to try to tell you how to run your show. BILLY No, everybody's opinion is wanted. JOSH No--no, no, no. We are a team. BILLY Right. JOSH We are all brothers. Not brothas. BILLY Dial it back. JOSH Siblings. BILLY Dial it back. RON Listen, as the only black writer on staff, it just kinda hurts to hear that my stuff could only work on Key & Peele. BILLY & JOSH No! JOSH That's not what we're saying at all. BILLY That's not--that's not what we're saying. JOSH No, because, here's the thing. The audience, those guys who are watching it, are never gonna know that the fellow who wrote this is… RON Is black. JOSH Exactly… RON Right. BILLY Right. JOSH Black. You know, maybe…if you were to go out there and you were to say, "Hi, my name is Ron Miller…" RON Murray, actually. JOSH Murray. RON Yeah. JOSH Right. "The sketch that you are about to see, I wrote." RON But when have you ever done that? Have you ever had a writer introduce his sketch? BILLY It would be a first. JOSH We've never done that. BILLY It would be a first. JOSH But you know who else was a first? Jackie… BILLY Don't. JOSH Palance. Jack Palance. To do a one-arm pushup on the Oscars. With this man. RON Jack Palance? BILLY Yeah. JOSH From City Slickers. One and two, he came back. RON Wow. BILLY You know what--maybe if we took it a different way. Let me just pitch this. This could be funny. Uh, I'm the wizard, right? RON Yeah. BILLY I find out about the Tourette's, I can't stand him, he's loud and annoying, and I kick him out. Right, but then the rest of the Klan finds out that we're actually Jews, and they kick us out. JOSH That's funny. BILLY It could be funny. JOSH That is funny. BILLY This is why The Hangings on Friday were always before sundown. JOSH Get 'em. Get them Jews. BILLY Right. JOSH No more challah. Get that challah out of their hands. RON You guys, it's--I mean. JOSH Or--or, just spit balling here. What if we keep the original sketch as written, but instead, maybe we substitute with the word, uh, negro? RON Negro? Look, man. As a black man, if I'm watching a sketch about the Klan and they're saying Negro, I'm gonna be more offended at that than if you just kill the sketch. BILLY I got it. RON I mean, it's the KKK. They like lynching black people and they love saying nigger. BILLY Ahh! JOSH Whoa! BILLY Ah, see, just--Ron, just hearing it. Just hearing it is tough. RON That's the point, though. But look, you know what, if you guys just want to do straight up setup-punchline right up the middle, it's gonna be funny whatever you do. You guys are genius. I just get the sense from both of you that you want to do something a little more. Something important. KRISTEN So Ron quit. He sold a show to Comedy Central. BILLY It's a funny sketch. JOSH Yeah, it is. Nobody ever argued it wasn't funny. BILLY Nobody. KRISTEN And for some reason, we…we're still--we still have to pay him. Welcome back, Jamila--Karen. Karen. Welcome back, Jamila. She's--Jamila's over there. You guys look a lot alike--shut up, just shut up. BRIAN Now, fellas, you all know nobody hates them…them…African-Americans! Uh, more--more than I do. SETH What did you just say? BRIAN Nothing. SETH No--not nothing, you said something. Now what was it? BRIAN I said… SETH Say it. Say that word. BRIAN I said--African-Americans! SETH Oh, come on. BRIAN No, no--listen. SETH How much longer is this gonna be going on? BRIAN No, I know it's a problem and I'm trying to deal with it--it's just my--my Tourette's. SETH Tourette's is a Zionist conspiracy. You say that you have hate in your heart, but I, for one, am not hearing it. BRIAN No, I know--I do! Oh, Grand Wizard, brethren--I have so much hate in my heart. SETH Good, dig deep. BRIAN Oh, in fact… SETH Yeah. BRIAN I got so much hate in my heart that I think…Obamacare is working--shit! SETH Okay, all right--that is it. You are out of the Klan. BRIAN No. SETH Brothers--I'm sorry. This meeting's over. Let's go. BRIAN No, no, no--give me another chance! I can't believe I called that an African-American. Well, I guess I'll go kill a dog.