ANNOUNCER BILLY ESME FEMALE JAMIE JOE JOSH JULIE KRISTEN MALE MITCH SECURITY_GUARD SUGAR_RAY WILL JOSH Go on without me, partner. I'm as good as dead. BILLY I can't go. JOSH Go! You don't need to get yourself killed too. You don't need to be a hero. BILLY No, I literally can't go. You're sitting on my car keys. JOSH Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I need you to lean me over, reach under my left butt cheek, and get those keys. BILLY I'm sorry, could we…guys, could we cut just for a second? I'm sorry… JOSH I thought that was good. BILLY The last--the last line should be louder, you know? "Reach under my left butt cheek and get those keys!" JAMIE Yeah, I mean, we could do it many different ways. JOSH I just thought that we were doing this in the tone of, like, an action film, like a Bruce Willis movie or a Daniel Craig movie. BILLY Yeah, but those guys you can hear. JOSH Yeah, but James Bond doesn't scream, "Shaken, not stirred!" You know, it would kind of take away the sex appeal of that line. Plus, there will be a boom mic, from what I was told, and I'm wearing a mic? I'm pretty sure that will pick me up. JAMIE Well, let's just carry on… JOSH You know, I don't think it matters. BILLY It's your big punch line. The audience will go crazy. You know, it's funny. JOSH Whoa. What? Audience? BILLY Yeah. JOSH So I'm sorry, I thought we were doing this as a--as a film piece. I thought that's what we had discussed. BILLY No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Honestly, for me, this is--this can't be on location. This is an audience piece. They'll go crazy. Jamie, come on. Help me out here. JAMIE So where do I begin? Six years ago, I was on top of the world. I was directing big films, and I was making money…hand over fist, and…I was living in the wrong body. Okay? Billy and Josh? Uh…they're great. BILLY We're live performers, Josh. I just think that we're at our best when we're onstage. JOSH So when you guys shot City Slickers, you shot that in front of a live audience? JAMIE Josh, that's not helpful. BILLY No, all I'm saying is, I think that the opening of the show needs some juice. I just want to get some juice, you know, when we open the show so--like--like Ernie Kovacs. JOSH I don't know who that is. BILLY You don't know who Ernie Kovacs is? JAMIE Ernie Kovacs--classic TV icon. BILLY I mean, he really was a pioneer of physical comedy. JAMIE Percy Dovetonsils. BILLY The Nairobi Trio… JOSH That sounds terrible. BILLY But he would start every show in an unpredictable way, and I think we have the ability to do that. JOSH Guys…Jamie, I just feel like this whole canned laugh track feels really old-school. BILLY I feel like you're sitting on my lap. Is there a reason? JOSH It's just that I put my stuff here because this is where I wanted to sit, and then you pushed it away, but… BILLY Well, I just was--I was sitting here, you know. I don't think that this sketch will be best on location. I think we should do it in front of a live audience. JOSH And bottom line is, I just feel like we should shoot the sketch, you know, without a live audience. I think that the best idea would be to cut it. MITCH Just cut it? Cut the opening sketch? Just cut the whole sketch? JOSH It's a good compromise, I think. MITCH Is it sometimes tough to square what Billy wants with what Josh wants? Sure, but I'm the head writer, so you know, it's…it's with great power comes… SECURITY GUARD Got to park in the structure. MITCH What's that? SECURITY GUARD Got to park in the structure. MITCH Oh, no. I'm sorry. SECURITY GUARD P4 or below. MITCH I have the reserve… SECURITY GUARD You got to park P4 or below. MITCH I have a reserved space… SECURITY GUARD All full! MITCH Okay, all right. All right. SECURITY GUARD P4 and below. MITCH I got it. Okay. They must be filming something. ANNOUNCER On the next Lewis is the New Black… JOSH Hello there, Babushka. BILLY (scoffs) You again! JOSH It's been many days. Prison is a lonely place. BILLY (sighs) There's no time for the sex now, Red. The world's falling apart. California's got a drought. There are Shiites and Kurds and Kardashians running amok. I'm telling you, America's pulling money out of its ass and no place to distribute it. We're living in a shit storm! JOSH So that's a "no?" BILLY No, that's a "yes." I'm just trying to romance you. Let's do this, but stay out of my Ukraine. JOSH Ooh, I love it when you use dirty cultural references. BILLY Whoa! Hello, Chernobyl. JOSH So she's, like, one of those little tiny, tiny, rich yoga ladies. You know the kind I'm talking about? ESME Yeah. No. I hate those bitches. It's like, we get it, you're flexible, going to yoga. JOSH Right. Right. That's besides the point, but anyway, so I'm in the back of the line, she's up front, and she's like, (nasally voice) "Hi. Can I please get a nonfat vanilla soy latte with extra foam, grande, grande, 1.5 splendas, measure it out, and just a soupçon of coconut milk." ESME Oh, my god. (laughs) JOSH "Just a soupçon." (laughs) ESME She did not say "soupçon." JOSH No, she said "a splash" but… BILLY What's so funny? JOSH Oh, I was just… ESME Josh saw this chick at the commissary who was, like… BILLY Hey! JULIE Hi. BILLY How are you doing? JOSH Hey, Mrs. Crystal--you must be Mrs. Crystal. JULIE Oh, please, it's Julie. Please. BILLY Julie, Josh, Esme. JULIE It's so nice to meet you. Billy's said such nice things about you. BILLY Well, don't tell him, because I don't want him to get comfortable. JOSH (laughs) BILLY For me? Oh, thank you. Does it have the… JULIE Yes. Coconut milk, yeah. BILLY Ooh, see? I don't even have to ask. ESME Oh, my god. Josh, you have to do that… JOSH Such an honor to meet you. ESME …impression for Billy. JOSH No. No. BILLY What? ESME Billy, you're gonna 100% shit yourself when he does it. BILLY Well, shitting myself is my favorite thing. JULIE Unfortunately, it's true. JOSH TMI. BILLY I haven't done it today, so go ahead. JULIE Not today. JOSH What about my needs? I don't want to do it. ESME Do it! BILLY Come on. JULIE Come on, I bet it's good. JOSH (southern accent) Hey. I'm Maya Angelou. It's--I know why the caged bird sings 'cause he's stuck in a damn cage. ESME That wasn't… JOSH (normal voice) I'm still honing it. I do a whole thing with it. BILLY It's a little rough. ESME That wasn't what I meant… JOSH She puts the bird in the cage, and (southern accent) I know why the caged bird sings. JULIE She--sorry, I'm getting a little… BILLY That's okay. BILLY She was a good friend of ours. JULIE She was a friend of ours. JOSH No, Maya Angelou--you're crying. Oh, shit. ESME I meant the yoga lady, Josh. JOSH Yeah. BILLY The who? ESME We were just talking about it. JOSH You know what? I forgot to tell you s--I'm so dumb, dumb. Kristen needed to speak to you about some forms that she wanted you to sign. Go, go now. Leave. ESME I don't sign forms. JOSH Get--go. Did she smell like marijuana to you guys too? BILLY No. JOSH Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'll talk to her about not smoking marijuana. JULIE Listen, why don't we have Josh over for dinner? I can cook. I'll cook. I think we're free Thursday. Aren't we? BILLY No. No. JOSH Sounds great. BILLY No, Thursday--no. JOSH I'm free. BILLY No, it's the clipper playoff game. The Clippers. The guys come over. It's very intense. JOSH No way. BILLY We watch in a certain way. JOSH Well, that makes it sound even better. "The guys." I don't know who "The guys" are, but just the way you said it sounds fun. BILLY No, but it's--it's… JOSH I'd love to. Sure. Yeah. Thursday night? JULIE Yeah. Yeah. BILLY Yeah. JULIE Yeah. JOSH As the French say, très bien. JULIE (whispering) I'm sorry. BILLY What? What? JULIE I'm sorry. You want me to uninvite him? We can't do that. BILLY No, because you gave him the right address. JULIE It's gonna be fine. Come on. It's a chance for you guys to get to know each other. BILLY But, you know, it's Oklahoma City. It's Durant. It's Westbrook. It's the playoffs. JULIE Bill, I don't have the Clippers' schedule tattooed on the back of my hand. BILLY I know, but I do. That's why I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. JULIE You're gonna be fine. Just fine. You can watch the game. Just maybe you can't sacrifice a goat or whatever it is you guys do in there. BILLY First of all, it's a lamb, and we don't do it for us, we do it for the Clippers. JULIE Really? BILLY Yeah. JULIE Oh… KRISTEN Jamie? No. I don't want to talk about that. That is an area of my life I would prefer not to revisit. (clicks tongue) Ever. He was just--he was this big, handsome, strapping director, and I was just this, you know, young, impressionable PA. You know, it's just not something that I--I want to discuss. Some of the most intense, profound orgasms of my life. No. No, no. My eyes rolled so far back in my head, I saw my brain--you can do that--and it was scary and…(whispers) fantastic. MITCH Hey. Hey. So the guys cannot agree on this opening sketch, and I don't know where Jamie's head is at, so I have a feeling this is gonna be a long night. I have an entire writing staff counting on me… ESME What's the question, Mitch? MITCH Oh, um, I just--I thought it might be nice to do a coffee run. ESME Yes! That would be amazing. Can I get a dirty chai and whatever cookie looks good? MITCH Um, what I was meaning… JAMIE Guys, hi. Have you seen Kristen? MITCH No, I've been holed up in the writers' room all day. ESME But Mitch is doing a coffee run, if you want anything. MITCH No. JAMIE Mitch, send her out for coffee. She doesn't send you out for coffee. KRISTEN Ooh! JAMIE Okay? [LOUD CLATTER] KRISTEN (groans) Shit. JAMIE Oh, Kris--wait a sec, Kristen! MITCH What is that about? ESME Drama. I guess someone said they used to bang? Like, back when Jamie was a dude or whatever. Like, in the '70s, and he was, like, cheating on his wife with her. I don't know. I wasn't supes listening. MITCH Whoa. ESME Anyway, dirty chai, whatever cookie looks good, no nuts. I'm not allergic. I just hate them. MITCH Okay. JOSH Wine? That's literally the worst suggestion I've ever heard. You want me to bring Billy Crystal, who probably has everything imaginable in his house, a bottle of wine? KRISTEN It might be nice. People like wine. JOSH What if he doesn't drink wine? What if she doesn't drink wine? KRISTEN Okay. All right. How about a gift certificate? JOSH No. KRISTEN You know what? He probably already has this, but…(sighs) a security alarm system? JOSH What does that even mean? Bring, like, an ADT security person to install something in his home? KRISTEN If he doesn't already have one or maybe he's not happy with his service… JOSH I mean this in the nicest way possible, there's literally a level of autism to some of these suggestions. This is a nightmare. This is a goddamn nightmare. JAMIE Josh? Honey, are you decent? JOSH Yeah. JAMIE Hey. JOSH Hey. JAMIE Seen Kristen? JOSH Kristen? No. JAMIE Yeah. JOSH Uh-uh. No. JAMIE If you see her, just tell her I'm looking for her. Okay? JOSH Yeah. You got it. JAMIE Okay. JOSH Great seeing you. So…I feel like we haven't made any progress on the "What do I bring to Billy's house for dinner" front. Wow. It's unbelievable. This should be fun. I'm really excited about this. I actually don't know anything about basketball. I hired a TaskRabbit to teach me about hoops. But I do know a couple of things about making friends… JOSH Oh, shit. We, uh…think we should do some street parking, 'cause I feel like I'm not giving these guys enough space to get out of here. BILLY Coming! JOSH You'd think they could afford a doorbell. BILLY Hey. You made it. JOSH Hey! BILLY Hey. Good to see you. Listen, the game's about to start. The guys are out back. Plenty of food. JOSH I got you guys a little something… BILLY Oh, Josh, that's nice, but you really didn't have to do anything. JOSH No, I wanted to. BILLY Sharper image. JOSH That way, you can buy whatever you want. BILLY Oh, that's nice. JOSH 100 bucks. BILLY That's really nice. JOSH It's 100 bucks. JULIE Oh, Josh! Hi. JOSH Hey. How are you? Oh. JULIE Welcome. Come in. JOSH (as Billy) You look marvelous. BILLY Ah, I've never heard that before. JULIE If I had a nickel…(laughs) BILLY Yeah. JOSH The gift certificate is for the both of you, by the way. JULIE Oh, well, that's so sweet of you. Thank you. JOSH By the way, if I may, you have a fabulous house. JULIE Oh, thank you. Hey, do you want the tour? JOSH Sure. I would love that, yeah. JULIE Billy? BILLY What? JULIE Give Josh the full tour. BILLY Yeah, sure. After the game. I'll be happy to. JULIE No, I think he wants to see it now, right? BILLY Yeah, but the game's about to start right now in about 30 seconds… JOSH I'm good either way. BILLY Yeah, but after the game-- JULIE I think that the game can wait. BILLY No, it's a playoff game. JULIE No, there's a DVR. BILLY Yeah, there is, and you know, Joe is here, and Sugar Ray's here and… JULIE Yeah, I know, but Josh asked for the tour… JOSH I was presented with the offer. I'm good either… BILLY But the game's about to start, honey. JULIE I think it's a good idea you give him the tour. BILLY I'll put it on pause… JULIE Thank you. BILLY And then we can watch it afterwards. JULIE Thank you. JOSH Good. Great, yeah. JULIE And, um, honey? BILLY Yeah? JULIE Full tour. BILLY Yeah. JULIE Thank you. BILLY Okay. JULIE Okay. Have fun. JOSH She's delightful. BILLY So, uh, full tour. Let's start in my office, okay? JOSH Yeah. Yeah. BILLY It's--which is over here. JOSH Is it rude to ask how much a place like this goes for? BILLY Yeah. JOSH Ooh. I love the pillows. I love that it goes one green, one white. BILLY You don't want to do that. Come on. JAMIE Whatever the day--wherever the day takes--ooh. There she is. Hold on. Hold on. I'll call you back. Hey, Kristen! Could you hold that, please? (sighs) There you are. KRISTEN Hey. Oh, hey. JAMIE Finally. KRISTEN Jamie, hi. I've been…so busy. Where--have you been looking for me? JAMIE We need to talk. KRISTEN Yeah. We do. JAMIE I always thought we'd be able to pick up right where we left off. You know, it is so awkward with our history together. KRISTEN Listen, I am not still attracted to you, if that is what you were worried about. I mean, obviously, you've changed, I've changed… JAMIE Kristen. My gosh. (chuckles) Oh, gosh. KRISTEN What? JAMIE You didn't think that I was talking about you and me, did you? KRISTEN No. (forced chuckle) I didn't. No. JAMIE 'Cause I was talking about me and Billy and our history. KRISTEN Oh, that's right. You and Billy and your--yeah, I know. JAMIE Yeah. Because, Kristen, our relationship was… KRISTEN Very special. JAMIE …toxic and dysfunctional. KRISTEN And dysfunctional. Seats in coach are just so difficult to sit in. (chuckles) Excuse me. JAMIE Sure. JOSH I love the synergy of mantle on the mantel. (laughs) BILLY Yeah, mantle--well, that's a very rare piece, Josh. See, it's a softball game that we played in 1984. Only uniform he wore that wasn't a Yankee uniform. That's why it's rare, and he signed it to me. JOSH Oh, my god. BILLY It's amazing to know him. JOSH Oh, my god. BILLY Yeah. JOSH Is that seriously signed by Babe Ruth? BILLY Yeah, it's a very rare ball, that ball. Josh, that's not a bare-hand ball. JOSH I'm sorry. BILLY No. No. No. That's a white glove… WILL Billy! BILLY The oils on the hand… WILL We're sitting in there with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get started. Come on, you know they always lose when we watch on delay. Let's do this. BILLY I know. Will, Josh. Josh, Will. WILL Of course, nice to meet you. Book of Mormon. I saw it twice. It cost me 5 grand. Come on! Let's do this! Ball game! (coughing) Come on. Let's watch. BILLY Let's go. Come on. Come on. JOSH Hey. Come here. Do you ever just sit in here and think to yourself, "My god, I am Billy Crystal?" BILLY Not really. No. JOSH Never? BILLY No. JOSH That's surprising. BILLY Can we go? JOSH Sure. BILLY It's game time. Let's go. Whatever you need--food, we got everything you want. JOSH Ooh, I'd love food. JAMIE Lesbian Iron Chef, that was hilarious at the table read. MITCH No. Billy killed that. Remember? He said people wouldn't buy a guy in a dress and a…wig. JAMIE Okay. How about…Bobo Hemsworth, Good Cop Desk Cop, Germophobic Barbarian… MALE That's the pile they already threw out. JAMIE Oh, come on. Jesus Christ! FEMALE Billy said he's sick of Jesus Christ. MITCH Hey, Esme? ESME Mm-hmm? MITCH Should we get some pizza? ESME Yes. Pizza sounds amazing. ESME Hey, girl. What's up? MITCH Hey, Esme? Should we get some pizza? ESME Yeah, um, I like gluten-free crust, but, like, whatever you guys want is fine. Ugh. Nothing. Just at work. What are you doing? BILLY No. Don't foul him. Ooh! WILL Horrible call! Horrible call! His feet weren't set. BILLY The refs are killing us here. SUGAR RAY It's because we're watching on delay, Billy. BILLY I know, Ray. I know. I'm sorry. Sorry. JOE You missed the ring of condensation. You need to put it in the middle. BILLY Joe, it's in the ring. WILL Please put it in the ring right there. JOSH Hey! BILLY It's in the ring. JOSH Basketball! Playoffs! Ah! Sorry about that. I was on the phone with my agent. JOE Shh. WILL What does it matter? He's gonna hit both free throws. BILLY Durant never misses. JOSH By the way, dinner tonight was absolutely exceptional. BILLY Good. JOSH Your personal chef is an artist. BILLY Yeah, Alain's fantastic. First time anyone sent something back to him. Yeah, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. JOSH That's what I'm talking about. When he did it with the sauce on the side, it just suddenly popped… BILLY Josh, come on. We got free throws here. Come on. Come on. JOSH Yikesy-doodles. JOE Not there! BILLY Not there! Don't sit there! WILL What the…what is… JOSH Whoa. WILL What are you doing? BILLY You sat there when the Clips were on their run. You sat there. Sit there. JOSH Because where I sit determines the outcome of the game? BILLY Yeah. Yeah. JOSH Oh, look. We're winning. We're losing. We're winning. We're losing. Touchdown! SUGAR RAY Billy, control your boy. BILLY Whoa, Ray, Ray, Ray. JOSH You see the look in his eyes? I almost shit myself. JOE No, no. JOSH Sugar just turned to spice. (growls) JOE Go sit, Josh. JOSH Thought he was gonna come out of retirement. BILLY Josh, sit down. JOSH Give me a couple of… BILLY Sit down and watch the game. Just sit right there. JOSH You're being serious? BILLY Yeah. Oh, yeah. JOSH This play happened, like, ten minutes ago. WILL Sure did! This guy's killing us. BILLY I know. I know. JOE Billy, commercial. Fast-forward. BILLY Okay. Hey, listen, we're up five. Seven minutes to go. We're gonna be okay. JOSH Quick question. Who is Chris Paul, and would it be a bad thing if he were severely injured? JOE That's a bad joke. WILL Get him out. JOE No, no, no. WILL Get him out. No, I'm dead serious, Billy. That's not cool! JOE Easy. WILL It's not cool, man! BILLY I know it's not cool. Josh, would you just, please, sit there, don't talk, even in jest, don't say anything about the game, okay? JOSH I was just trying to fit in with all these legends and Will Sasso. BILLY It's okay. It's okay. JOE It's not okay. All right. JOSH I, um, I'm gonna go use the bathroom. BILLY We're back. We're back. We're back. JOSH Didn't see this on the tour. Let's see what's in here. JULIE Ahh! JOSH Oh, my god, Mrs. Crystal! I'm so sorry! JULIE Close the door! Close the door! JOSH I'm s--I'm sorry. God! God! JOSH Sorry I got to split before the end of the, uh… BILLY The guys understand. JOSH Yeah. I just got this thing in the valley… BILLY Yeah, completely. Don't worry about it. JOSH Tell all the guys that I had so much fun with them. BILLY I'll do that. JOSH And "Ahlan"… BILLY Alain. JOSH Alain. Alain, please tell Alain that dinner was exceptional. BILLY Yeah, sauce on the side. JOSH Sauce on the side. BILLY So I'll see you. All right. JOSH And Julie, would you… BILLY Josh, it is what it is, all right? JOSH It is what it is. So I'll see you tomorrow? BILLY See you tomorrow. JOSH That sounded exciting. BILLY Sure did. Listen, I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Okay. BILLY Tell me what happened! JOSH I [bleep] up. Ahh. BILLY Well, at least Josh got the full tour. MITCH Hey, so you're still learning, so it's no harm, no foul, um, but when I say things like "Hey, we should do a coffee run" or "We should get pizza," what that means is that you should do a coffee run and you should get pizza. Right? JAMIE I can't do it, Kristen. I'm done. KRISTEN You're quitting? JAMIE Yes. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Kristen, it's just that I've been through too much, I've come too far to subject myself to this bullshit. You know? I've got my ranch in Wyoming. I've got my Ghostparents III money, so life is too short. KRISTEN What are you gonna tell Billy? JAMIE Some combination of the truth and…not the truth. (chuckles) KRISTEN Yeah. (mutters) I am really sorry this didn't work out. JAMIE Really okay. It's okay, and guess what. It's actually--it's better. It's better this way. And also, I--I got a chance to see you. JAMIE So…mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. KRISTEN Ah! God! Oh, I did not mean to do that. I'm… JAMIE It's okay. I just--I don't… KRISTEN No, no. I… JAMIE It's okay. KRISTEN I did not mean to do that. JAMIE It's okay. KRISTEN I'm--oh, no. JAMIE I don't… KRISTEN I'm just--I'm gonna go get that thing. I'm so sorry. JAMIE Mm-hmm. KRISTEN Oh, god! JAMIE Okay. I mean, I know you went to bat for me, and I'm incredibly grateful, but you don't want somebody taking care of your baby who's not 100% passionate. BILLY No, no, no. You definitely want passion for the baby in a director or a nanny. JAMIE That's right. Well, that's the point. I mean, I can't be a director and a nanny. BILLY I get it. Get it. Hate to see you go, Jamie. JAMIE I hate to go. All right, well, now that we're no longer working together, can I speak to you as a friend? BILLY Of course. JAMIE Okay. You and Josh… BILLY Oh, I know. JAMIE I mean… BILLY I know. I know. I'll--I'll make it work. JAMIE Okay. I know you will. Well, take care of yourself. You look great. BILLY So do you. JAMIE Thank you. BILLY All right. Nice tits. JAMIE You too. BILLY It's an amazing show. JOSH It's unbelievable. BILLY Somebody said--people--you know, "Have you not--you've never seen Breaking Bad?" No, so I--so we watch the pilot. It's astounding. In the underwear? JOSH It's crazy. He is so good. BILLY So we start binge-watching. Five years in, like, four days, and now we're up to the finale. JOSH When he dies? How crazy is that? Right?